I resigned from my NICU job here in Small Town and have gotten several offers in College Town. So, it appears as though I'm moving back to that dreadful city. I tried to work closer to my parents so that I could live with them, but they took forever to get back to me, jobs are still pending review. Meanwhile, I have had several decent job offers in College Town and so now I'm looking at houses there.
This is exhausting. I've cried more in the past two weeks than I have my year here. I thought I was sick of this place and that it would be easy to leave, but nobody makes you feel more appreciated than when they know you are for sure leaving. Nurses and practitioners that used to get mad at me for small mistakes in critical situations (that didn't effect the outcome, nor did they really matter they are just their preferences), were all hugging me and telling me that I was a great nurse.
T hat got me thinking that so much of our identity at the hospital is simply being a "good nurse", "good CNA", "good doctor", or "good _________". Fill in the blank with whatever your title is and that's your new identity as a person within those walls. It's a difficult thing to be seen as your job title instead of as you as a person, but I guess that's all they know me as. Many of the night shifters have expressed how much they'll miss me, so that was really nice. I signed off with my parents for the last time and told them to keep in touch on our NICU Facebook page. I've cried, hugged more people than I thought possible, and I was blessed to be able to run into most everyone I wanted to say goodbye to and found the rest on Facebook.
My last week at work was wonderful. I got to do all of my favorite things, say goodbye to mass amounts of people, and my unit threw me a going away party. I felt so special and so loved. G-d orchestrated the night to let me help with breastfeeding, let parents give a bath to a little baby that dad hadn't gotten to help bathe before, I went on a delivery, got to visit with the L&D, postpartum, newborn nursery, and women's center ladies. I also got to snuggle all of my favorite little babies that are on the unit. It's crazy to think of how much I've learned this last year to be able to help teach our newer nurses some of the skills they haven't done yet. I've started to realize how much extra they taught me because I was asking to learn and do more. My charge nurse that let me have that 1:1 baby that ended up dying really took me under her wing and tried to get me as much experience as possible.
I'm going to miss our people, our babies, and this town. I've really enjoyed living here and have just now gotten to the point of having friends (because they are new and actually go do stuff with me). This decision was so difficult and going through with the move is crazy difficult. However, the pro con list is sufficient enough to sway me to try another beginning closer to my family. Mostly, the decision has come down to grandpa just having a few months because he's been doing so poorly, and my grandmother being overbearing. I love her, but I definitely need boundaries and to be allowed to be an independent adult. Now I'm off to learn all the doctors and nurse practitioners at new hospitals. I am looking for a house when I didn't think I would have to move for another year. I am moving back to College Town when I swore I would never do so because of the past I left behind there. I am praying that I don't run into the guys or their families. I am also praying that as I try to incorporate myself into new units, that I am accepted, make friends, and that I'm able to keep up with the 2 part-time jobs that I've chosen so that I can work towards L&D experience, while not losing my NICU skills and the baby snuggles I've come so accustomed to. I was so excited and happy to move down here and it's so difficult to leave.
I pray the L-rd guide me, protect me, and cover me with his grace. This is a scary road, and I hope it gets me closer to the goals I have for myself and ultimately the plans G-d has for me.
On the bright side, I've tried many of the churches there, have my couple of favorites, I know the good and bad areas of town to live in, and have some friends there. It's not going to be completely new and scary. I just need a security system with cameras, a new face and name, and now furniture because I sold all mine! It'll be nice to move somewhere and have a basis of living there, a basis of my job duties and skills, and a slight social circle. I'm terrified of the flashbacks and nightmares that have already started and of running into the guys and their families. Exboyfriend's sister works on the floor that I will be starting to work in the NICU at and that terrifies me. She didn't like me before and she sure as hell won't like me now that I've submitted police reports and sexual assault allegations against her brother. I'm praying she got a new job somewhere else and that I will never see her. I don't know what I would do if I ever did run into her and I'm seriously considering using a nickname while I'm working there. I pray the Good L-rd wipes her memory of me and that I'm just some new person on the floor.
Showing posts with label pray. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pray. Show all posts
Thursday, July 6, 2017
Friday, June 24, 2016
Legit Panic Attack
I was taking a shower today, after running around my house getting everything in it's place, when I started being bombarded with memories. Bad memories.
I started asking G-d, "Why me? What did I do? How is this my lot in life? Why do I have to deal with this? Why did you not just let me die?" etc., etc.
About two questions in, I could feel my heart pounding, breath getting shallow and quick, eyes went into tunnel vision. I felt like I was going to pass out, but I couldn't calm the anger and the hurt. The next 30 minutes consisted of me yelling, praying, sobbing, shaking, hyperventilating, and shaving my legs... all at the same time. How do I manage to be such a great multi-tasker? I have no idea.
I keep thinking about what I want to say, in case my reports ever go to trial. I want to say so much, but I know I will freeze on the stand and my brain will freeze if I begin to draft my victim impact statements now but boy, can I scream everything I need to say when I'm in the shower!
Exboyfriend's town called a couple days ago telling me they had gotten a report from College Town that I had been sexually assaulted (raped) in their town. College town had no jurisdiction in Exboyfriend's town and so it had to be transferred.
I've been dealing with that for a week. At first I was nervous about how this would effect him, then I remembered how much his actions have effected me and my whole life. He forever changed the course of my life with his poor choices that weekend. Oh, I wish I would have kicked him, fought him, and called the cops right then. Unfortunately, I was completely in shock. I was paralyzed and in a daze that whole weekend.
Because of Exboyfriend, I met Exfiance. He didn't introduce me, but I was going out a lot, looking for a good time to get away from the terrors living and replaying themselves in my head constantly.
It's crazy to think that one person can make you hate yourself. They can make you hate your body, your memory, your life, and hate the fact that you wake up each morning to fight another losing battle of a day. They can make you hate yourself enough that you stop feeding your body, you start taking pills, smoking, cutting, or otherwise abusing the very vessel that holds the essence of who you are. One person's choices can make you fight to not pick up the bottle, not down the pills, not pull the trigger, and not crash into a ditch.
So now, I am here. A shell of who I used to be. I can never me back. I can never have the same ability to see the best in people. I can never have the same easy smile and no assumptions that people are only out to hurt me. I can never feel pure, whole, and complete. I can never erase the memories. Who knows if I have some disease that I won't be able to get rid of in addition to the rest of it.
It makes me wonder why we, as a collective people, fight so hard to keep people from suicide. Not saying I would do it, but I understand what it is like for me to not want to wake up another day. Why do we insist on saving those who so clearly see no point in being here on this earth? Why do we call the police if someone is talking about suicide at home/work or place patients on a 72-hour hold at hospitals if they come to us saying they want to die? Why do we put people on antidepressants? Which can potentially make the suicidal ideations worse and help give the people enough energy to go through with the suicide. If people are so miserable with the hand they were dealt or produced for themselves, why are we holding them earth side?
This doesn't mean that I don't support getting professional help and trying to reach out to those having a hard time, but why make people live if they have no quality of life and are sick of being here? There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish that I could have helped Country Boy, but if there was a chance for him to have been able to reach out for help, he didn't extend that plea to me. He had a plan and he carried it out. For him, there was no use in living in a world without his dad. He had too much pain to bear on his own and he couldn't figure out how to share it. Meanwhile, I have a lot of pain (in my own opinion) and even with sharing it, I feel I am constantly drowning. Today, with my panic attack, it showed that my head is no longer staying above the water. The stress of reporting, painful memories, moving, not being able to work, having bills that I cannot pay, and stress I can't even describe is overwhelming me.
It's so hard to surrender your anxieties to the L-rd when your life is stripped from your grasp. It's so hard to ask for help when nobody can hear you from the depths of your chasm. I know I have no control over my life, but I feel like I'm in a car with a sleeping, drunk driver and the car is swerving on it's own. However, the ride sucks so badly I hope it crashes soon so that the drive will come to an end, I don't even care about making it to wherever I thought we were headed.
I started asking G-d, "Why me? What did I do? How is this my lot in life? Why do I have to deal with this? Why did you not just let me die?" etc., etc.
About two questions in, I could feel my heart pounding, breath getting shallow and quick, eyes went into tunnel vision. I felt like I was going to pass out, but I couldn't calm the anger and the hurt. The next 30 minutes consisted of me yelling, praying, sobbing, shaking, hyperventilating, and shaving my legs... all at the same time. How do I manage to be such a great multi-tasker? I have no idea.
I keep thinking about what I want to say, in case my reports ever go to trial. I want to say so much, but I know I will freeze on the stand and my brain will freeze if I begin to draft my victim impact statements now but boy, can I scream everything I need to say when I'm in the shower!
Exboyfriend's town called a couple days ago telling me they had gotten a report from College Town that I had been sexually assaulted (raped) in their town. College town had no jurisdiction in Exboyfriend's town and so it had to be transferred.
I've been dealing with that for a week. At first I was nervous about how this would effect him, then I remembered how much his actions have effected me and my whole life. He forever changed the course of my life with his poor choices that weekend. Oh, I wish I would have kicked him, fought him, and called the cops right then. Unfortunately, I was completely in shock. I was paralyzed and in a daze that whole weekend.
Because of Exboyfriend, I met Exfiance. He didn't introduce me, but I was going out a lot, looking for a good time to get away from the terrors living and replaying themselves in my head constantly.
It's crazy to think that one person can make you hate yourself. They can make you hate your body, your memory, your life, and hate the fact that you wake up each morning to fight another losing battle of a day. They can make you hate yourself enough that you stop feeding your body, you start taking pills, smoking, cutting, or otherwise abusing the very vessel that holds the essence of who you are. One person's choices can make you fight to not pick up the bottle, not down the pills, not pull the trigger, and not crash into a ditch.
So now, I am here. A shell of who I used to be. I can never me back. I can never have the same ability to see the best in people. I can never have the same easy smile and no assumptions that people are only out to hurt me. I can never feel pure, whole, and complete. I can never erase the memories. Who knows if I have some disease that I won't be able to get rid of in addition to the rest of it.
It makes me wonder why we, as a collective people, fight so hard to keep people from suicide. Not saying I would do it, but I understand what it is like for me to not want to wake up another day. Why do we insist on saving those who so clearly see no point in being here on this earth? Why do we call the police if someone is talking about suicide at home/work or place patients on a 72-hour hold at hospitals if they come to us saying they want to die? Why do we put people on antidepressants? Which can potentially make the suicidal ideations worse and help give the people enough energy to go through with the suicide. If people are so miserable with the hand they were dealt or produced for themselves, why are we holding them earth side?
This doesn't mean that I don't support getting professional help and trying to reach out to those having a hard time, but why make people live if they have no quality of life and are sick of being here? There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish that I could have helped Country Boy, but if there was a chance for him to have been able to reach out for help, he didn't extend that plea to me. He had a plan and he carried it out. For him, there was no use in living in a world without his dad. He had too much pain to bear on his own and he couldn't figure out how to share it. Meanwhile, I have a lot of pain (in my own opinion) and even with sharing it, I feel I am constantly drowning. Today, with my panic attack, it showed that my head is no longer staying above the water. The stress of reporting, painful memories, moving, not being able to work, having bills that I cannot pay, and stress I can't even describe is overwhelming me.
It's so hard to surrender your anxieties to the L-rd when your life is stripped from your grasp. It's so hard to ask for help when nobody can hear you from the depths of your chasm. I know I have no control over my life, but I feel like I'm in a car with a sleeping, drunk driver and the car is swerving on it's own. However, the ride sucks so badly I hope it crashes soon so that the drive will come to an end, I don't even care about making it to wherever I thought we were headed.
Monday, April 25, 2016
Making Happy Anniversaries
Today marks the first year anniversary of me getting my SANE exam.
It may not seem like much, but today marks the one year anniversary of me starting to fight for me.
Today is a good anniversary.
So, as I sit at home celebrating alone, I remember how far I've come and how far I have yet to grow. I can see good in most days instead of living in my dark pit of despair. I look forward to little bits in my future, thought I'm not sure how life is going to turn out. I pray that my life gets better and more joyful. I guess we'll see.
Until then, raise a glass and celebrate with me! I'm strong and growing and have survived some pretty shitty stuff. I made it a year longer on this Earth.
It may not seem like much, but today marks the one year anniversary of me starting to fight for me.
Today is a good anniversary.
So, as I sit at home celebrating alone, I remember how far I've come and how far I have yet to grow. I can see good in most days instead of living in my dark pit of despair. I look forward to little bits in my future, thought I'm not sure how life is going to turn out. I pray that my life gets better and more joyful. I guess we'll see.
Until then, raise a glass and celebrate with me! I'm strong and growing and have survived some pretty shitty stuff. I made it a year longer on this Earth.
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Miraculous First Day of OB!!!
Guys, I had such a fantastic day today!!!
So, our first day was supposed to be yesterday, but there was a second snow day. Needless to say, my much needed counseling session was cancelled and rescheduled next Tuesday... It's going to be rough. I wanted a snow day, but only for Monday. I got so sad when counseling and my first day of OB clinical was cancelled! Oh no!!!
Regardless, when we showed up today, there was a super low census. They were sending nurses home left and right. There was only one woman laboring, less than a handful of women in Mom/Baby, and NICU has a short supply of babies. This is in a hospital known for having the busiest Labor Delivery/Mom Baby/NICU and all other woman related portion of the hospital in our half of the state. They fly and transport people to this hospital from several other states because they are a great hospital. So, to have such a low census and also request for students to be paired with nurses was not ideal at all.
As is typically the case, I was the odd man out. The other students were able to be put in their assigned area for the day. The other girl who was supposed to be with me in Mom/Baby ended up being able to make up her NICU day from yesterday. I wanted that to happen because she really wanted to go there and I've already been there the past couple of summers. Praise the L-rd! Anyway, I was the last one and it took about 20 minutes to even find a baby or patient for me to be able to see.
I ended up getting pulled into a circumcision! Yay! I have wanted to see one for a really long time and we had missed the one earlier today and that bummed me out. Naturally, I prayed about it. L-rd, can I please see a circumcision during my time here in OB clinicals. Then I didn't even give it another thought. Little did I know He was going to answer that prayer today! And not even 30-45 minutes after I had requested that in my heart. Praise you L-rd for answering even the smallest of prayers.
With that baby having to stay in the nursery for a couple hours, I got to also practice my newborn assessment and it was way easier than I expected. Granted, the baby had no abnormals and I had a nurse helping me assess and then chart the whole time. Check that off the list of stuff I am supposed to do for clinicals. Yay! Plus, the NNP that performed the circumcision was so sweet and her and the nurse assisting pulled me right in and explained everything they were doing. They were so incredibly sweet.
As I was sitting there charting the assessment, my instructor came in to check on me and saw there was nothing going on and the baby was fixin' to get discharged. "You want to see a placenta?" She asked. "Hell ya I do!" Of course, I didn't say those exact words, I just said "Ya!" but you know what I mean. So, I got to discover the placenta, look at all of the components of it, touch it (through gloves), and talk about some of the complications that can occur with the placenta. Then, after we talked about it and held it, she asked if I wanted to practice IV's. What kind of a question is that? Of course I do! So, I started two IV's on a placenta. No big deal. Just kidding, it's a HUGE deal!
Then we had dinner, since it's the evening clincal group. After dinner, I had nowhere to go. The baby I had watched got discharged. The unit I was supposed to be on had patients leaving and so they were down to 2-3 patients and didn't want a student. So my instructor set me up with a computer and asked me to research some points that I thought were interesting to share with the rest of the group. After brainstorming, I picked nursing interventions for babies withdrawing from alcohol after being born and nursing interventions related to STI's in pregnancy/L&D. I got through finding the info for withdrawal babies when my intructor busts into the room and says, "Hurry up and come with me! I might have found you a procedure to come and watch. It's not much, but it's better than research."
Well okay! Off we go RUNNING down the hall to get me changed into hospital scrubs so I can go into the OR. We get me all decked out in the funky hair net/hat thing, shoe booties, and greens (scrubs) and I am ushered into the OR.
My instructor was yelling from the door, "Hurry up! Take off your clothes! Throw these on! Let's go, let's go! I hear voices!!!" According to my friend in the same clinical group, it sounded hilarious from outside the locker room because my friend had no idea what was going on, she just heard my instructor telling me to hurry up and strip down. Oh goodness, that made for a funny post-conference.
Anyway, I got all dressed up and made it into the OR and stood there for about 15 minutes waiting for the patient and doc to get there. No big deal, I'm good at standing in corners looking awkward.
A lady came up to me randomly and asked, "So are you the nursing student?" I said I was. Then she started quizzing me on what to do in a certain situation and why. I answered, correctly according to her, but she gave further rationale and what interventions she did. Turns out, that was the doctor! I was floored because she was so nice. But wait, it gets so much better!
As they were prepping the patient, the doctor had me come closer to her, then literally pushed me closer to the patient and told me, "the only way you learn is if you get up real close and watch everything". She said it nice, the words are easy to mistake for not being said nice, though. Of course, I know that getting up closer will help me see, but we are taught to stay in the corner and try to see around the people who are actually trying to do their jobs.
Well, the OB got all geared up in sterile gown and gloves then turned to me and told me to go scrub in! WHAT?!? Am I allowed to do this? She must have been reading my mind because she asked the nurse (who was the patient's nurse and the charge for her section of the women's ward) and the nurse said it was totally fine. Off I go, all sorts of excited, and I scrub in really carefully, making sure I don't cause problems for the patient. I go in and they gown me up in sterile gown and gloves and talk me through everything! All of this to allow me to hold a retractor (this one looked like the bottom half of a speculum that was detached and the OR tech was holding the top portion so that I was able to see everything the doctor was doing). She kept stopping and moving to the side so that I could see the problem she was working on, her stitches, how to make sure the problem was fixed and everything! She talked me through it all and she was just absolutely amazing. I also got to watch as they intubated her and the doctor and anesthesiologist made sure I got to look down the patients throat to be able to see her "windpipes" when they were intubating the patient at the beginning. I had even mentioned that I wanted to become a midwife and the doctor asked, "A certified nurse midwife, right? Because you'd get clocked if you want to be a lay-midwife!"
Me: "Ya, a CNM."
Doc: "Okay, good!"
Haha, if I were to be a lay midwife I could have saved a lot of time and money and have been working for a few years already!
When the surgery finished and the patient was getting wheeled back, the doc encouraged me to follow the nurse and ask questions. I did, but mostly I just helped get the patient hooked up in PACU. The nurse seemed to like the help, maybe. I don't know. I get confused because I can't tell if students are a gigantic pain in their ass and just an extra thing to keep track of during the day, or if they actually like us being with them if we are able to help. Whatever. She and the anesthesiologist seemed pretty impressed that I was able to help hook the patient up, but I don't know why because I still don't know what I'm doing but I offered to hook up leads, hook up the BP cuff, take a temp, and talked with the patient as she came down off her anesthesia. Regardless, it was great.
When I walked back to the nurse's station, I ran into two of my classmate. They, and all of the other nurses, were asking me how it was and what happened and everyone was so excited to hear about what I had gotten to do. How did they hear all of this? I don't know!
From there I went straight to post conference, where I was late because of said surgery, and they stopped post-conference and had me tell them all about it because they had heard some of what happened!
How did they know??? Good heavens, it's like they knew about all of it before I even got to the hospital today!
Anyway, I told the story, keeping the scrubbing in part out in case I wasn't supposed to do that. Then my instructor added it in! I asked if I was in trouble and she said "Absolutely not! That is amazing that the doctor let you do that! Plus, doc so-and-so pulled me aside afterwards and she absolutely loves you!" I'm almost certain my jaw dropped and I got so excited and giddy I don't remember much else of post-conference.
I've been on cloud 9 ever since the circumcision and yet G-d keep blessing me more and more!
I absolutely loved that doctor. I loved the nurses and surgical techs I was able to work with. I am so incredibly grateful for this whole amazing adventure I had today. There were a lot of times, thinking back on today, that I could have been grumpy or upset because I had nowhere to go and no plan for me. Well, G-d had a plan. I did not get sad or upset or grumpy all day and He continued to bless me, time and time again. It's almost like it was a mini-testing season with amazing rewards that were given nearly immediately to me.
Today was the best day I've had in nearly a year or longer! The day after I was so bummed, discouraged, and sobbing (for 20-30 minutes last night), G-d blesses me with such an amazing experience as today was. I'm am blown away and so very humble at this moment.
Recap: circumcision, newborn assessment, placenta, IV's in placenta, dinner (unremarkable), research (slight bummer), and then getting pulled to go into a surgery, then... SCRUBBING IN TO SAID SURGERY!!!
So incredible and such a blessing filled day. I'm in awe of the way G-d works in my life. I needed a booster and this was exactly what I needed. It shows I was right for fighting to stay in OB this semester, instead of pushing it off until next semester as was suggested in counseling. This is my passion, within my passion of nursing. This is where I feel I belong. This is where my heart is happy and I make sense in this world. I feel G-d made my heart to want to serve women in this season of their life.
Thank you L-rd for your many miracles and behind-the-scenes workings. Praise you L-rd for giving me joy in the midst of this long season of darkness.
So, our first day was supposed to be yesterday, but there was a second snow day. Needless to say, my much needed counseling session was cancelled and rescheduled next Tuesday... It's going to be rough. I wanted a snow day, but only for Monday. I got so sad when counseling and my first day of OB clinical was cancelled! Oh no!!!
Regardless, when we showed up today, there was a super low census. They were sending nurses home left and right. There was only one woman laboring, less than a handful of women in Mom/Baby, and NICU has a short supply of babies. This is in a hospital known for having the busiest Labor Delivery/Mom Baby/NICU and all other woman related portion of the hospital in our half of the state. They fly and transport people to this hospital from several other states because they are a great hospital. So, to have such a low census and also request for students to be paired with nurses was not ideal at all.
As is typically the case, I was the odd man out. The other students were able to be put in their assigned area for the day. The other girl who was supposed to be with me in Mom/Baby ended up being able to make up her NICU day from yesterday. I wanted that to happen because she really wanted to go there and I've already been there the past couple of summers. Praise the L-rd! Anyway, I was the last one and it took about 20 minutes to even find a baby or patient for me to be able to see.
I ended up getting pulled into a circumcision! Yay! I have wanted to see one for a really long time and we had missed the one earlier today and that bummed me out. Naturally, I prayed about it. L-rd, can I please see a circumcision during my time here in OB clinicals. Then I didn't even give it another thought. Little did I know He was going to answer that prayer today! And not even 30-45 minutes after I had requested that in my heart. Praise you L-rd for answering even the smallest of prayers.
With that baby having to stay in the nursery for a couple hours, I got to also practice my newborn assessment and it was way easier than I expected. Granted, the baby had no abnormals and I had a nurse helping me assess and then chart the whole time. Check that off the list of stuff I am supposed to do for clinicals. Yay! Plus, the NNP that performed the circumcision was so sweet and her and the nurse assisting pulled me right in and explained everything they were doing. They were so incredibly sweet.
As I was sitting there charting the assessment, my instructor came in to check on me and saw there was nothing going on and the baby was fixin' to get discharged. "You want to see a placenta?" She asked. "Hell ya I do!" Of course, I didn't say those exact words, I just said "Ya!" but you know what I mean. So, I got to discover the placenta, look at all of the components of it, touch it (through gloves), and talk about some of the complications that can occur with the placenta. Then, after we talked about it and held it, she asked if I wanted to practice IV's. What kind of a question is that? Of course I do! So, I started two IV's on a placenta. No big deal. Just kidding, it's a HUGE deal!
Then we had dinner, since it's the evening clincal group. After dinner, I had nowhere to go. The baby I had watched got discharged. The unit I was supposed to be on had patients leaving and so they were down to 2-3 patients and didn't want a student. So my instructor set me up with a computer and asked me to research some points that I thought were interesting to share with the rest of the group. After brainstorming, I picked nursing interventions for babies withdrawing from alcohol after being born and nursing interventions related to STI's in pregnancy/L&D. I got through finding the info for withdrawal babies when my intructor busts into the room and says, "Hurry up and come with me! I might have found you a procedure to come and watch. It's not much, but it's better than research."
Well okay! Off we go RUNNING down the hall to get me changed into hospital scrubs so I can go into the OR. We get me all decked out in the funky hair net/hat thing, shoe booties, and greens (scrubs) and I am ushered into the OR.
My instructor was yelling from the door, "Hurry up! Take off your clothes! Throw these on! Let's go, let's go! I hear voices!!!" According to my friend in the same clinical group, it sounded hilarious from outside the locker room because my friend had no idea what was going on, she just heard my instructor telling me to hurry up and strip down. Oh goodness, that made for a funny post-conference.
Anyway, I got all dressed up and made it into the OR and stood there for about 15 minutes waiting for the patient and doc to get there. No big deal, I'm good at standing in corners looking awkward.
A lady came up to me randomly and asked, "So are you the nursing student?" I said I was. Then she started quizzing me on what to do in a certain situation and why. I answered, correctly according to her, but she gave further rationale and what interventions she did. Turns out, that was the doctor! I was floored because she was so nice. But wait, it gets so much better!
As they were prepping the patient, the doctor had me come closer to her, then literally pushed me closer to the patient and told me, "the only way you learn is if you get up real close and watch everything". She said it nice, the words are easy to mistake for not being said nice, though. Of course, I know that getting up closer will help me see, but we are taught to stay in the corner and try to see around the people who are actually trying to do their jobs.
Well, the OB got all geared up in sterile gown and gloves then turned to me and told me to go scrub in! WHAT?!? Am I allowed to do this? She must have been reading my mind because she asked the nurse (who was the patient's nurse and the charge for her section of the women's ward) and the nurse said it was totally fine. Off I go, all sorts of excited, and I scrub in really carefully, making sure I don't cause problems for the patient. I go in and they gown me up in sterile gown and gloves and talk me through everything! All of this to allow me to hold a retractor (this one looked like the bottom half of a speculum that was detached and the OR tech was holding the top portion so that I was able to see everything the doctor was doing). She kept stopping and moving to the side so that I could see the problem she was working on, her stitches, how to make sure the problem was fixed and everything! She talked me through it all and she was just absolutely amazing. I also got to watch as they intubated her and the doctor and anesthesiologist made sure I got to look down the patients throat to be able to see her "windpipes" when they were intubating the patient at the beginning. I had even mentioned that I wanted to become a midwife and the doctor asked, "A certified nurse midwife, right? Because you'd get clocked if you want to be a lay-midwife!"
Me: "Ya, a CNM."
Doc: "Okay, good!"
Haha, if I were to be a lay midwife I could have saved a lot of time and money and have been working for a few years already!
When the surgery finished and the patient was getting wheeled back, the doc encouraged me to follow the nurse and ask questions. I did, but mostly I just helped get the patient hooked up in PACU. The nurse seemed to like the help, maybe. I don't know. I get confused because I can't tell if students are a gigantic pain in their ass and just an extra thing to keep track of during the day, or if they actually like us being with them if we are able to help. Whatever. She and the anesthesiologist seemed pretty impressed that I was able to help hook the patient up, but I don't know why because I still don't know what I'm doing but I offered to hook up leads, hook up the BP cuff, take a temp, and talked with the patient as she came down off her anesthesia. Regardless, it was great.
When I walked back to the nurse's station, I ran into two of my classmate. They, and all of the other nurses, were asking me how it was and what happened and everyone was so excited to hear about what I had gotten to do. How did they hear all of this? I don't know!
From there I went straight to post conference, where I was late because of said surgery, and they stopped post-conference and had me tell them all about it because they had heard some of what happened!
How did they know??? Good heavens, it's like they knew about all of it before I even got to the hospital today!
Anyway, I told the story, keeping the scrubbing in part out in case I wasn't supposed to do that. Then my instructor added it in! I asked if I was in trouble and she said "Absolutely not! That is amazing that the doctor let you do that! Plus, doc so-and-so pulled me aside afterwards and she absolutely loves you!" I'm almost certain my jaw dropped and I got so excited and giddy I don't remember much else of post-conference.
I've been on cloud 9 ever since the circumcision and yet G-d keep blessing me more and more!
I absolutely loved that doctor. I loved the nurses and surgical techs I was able to work with. I am so incredibly grateful for this whole amazing adventure I had today. There were a lot of times, thinking back on today, that I could have been grumpy or upset because I had nowhere to go and no plan for me. Well, G-d had a plan. I did not get sad or upset or grumpy all day and He continued to bless me, time and time again. It's almost like it was a mini-testing season with amazing rewards that were given nearly immediately to me.
Today was the best day I've had in nearly a year or longer! The day after I was so bummed, discouraged, and sobbing (for 20-30 minutes last night), G-d blesses me with such an amazing experience as today was. I'm am blown away and so very humble at this moment.
Recap: circumcision, newborn assessment, placenta, IV's in placenta, dinner (unremarkable), research (slight bummer), and then getting pulled to go into a surgery, then... SCRUBBING IN TO SAID SURGERY!!!
So incredible and such a blessing filled day. I'm in awe of the way G-d works in my life. I needed a booster and this was exactly what I needed. It shows I was right for fighting to stay in OB this semester, instead of pushing it off until next semester as was suggested in counseling. This is my passion, within my passion of nursing. This is where I feel I belong. This is where my heart is happy and I make sense in this world. I feel G-d made my heart to want to serve women in this season of their life.
Thank you L-rd for your many miracles and behind-the-scenes workings. Praise you L-rd for giving me joy in the midst of this long season of darkness.
Friday, January 22, 2016
Rebound
As you guys know, exfiance and I still talk. Since that's kind of a long name, let's call him Jacob (no, that's not his actual name). Yesterday, he went to counseling because we had a bet, he lost it, and his forfeit was to go to counseling. I believe he needed to go when he was a child but he just never did. He had trauma growing up, similar to what happened to me but also vastly different. Regardless, trauma needs counseling most of the time and he certainly does.
I guess he and his counselor talked about me and why the two of us broke up. Jacob ended up calling me last night and telling me that he believes I was never really "in love" with him because he was just a rebound and distraction from my first rape. It has occurred to me that he may have been a rebound, but I had feelings for him. However, when he continually lied to me, that's when the love dwindled away because I had been loving him for the lies, not for him actually showing me his past scars. I think he may have started as a rebound, but I developed true love for him. Having him tell me he didn't think I ever loved him hurt. It hurt a lot.
While we were going out, there were times that he would compare me to his dead wife. He would say she was pretty, but I think you're prettier. Or he would tell me what she did to calm him down or what she did that he liked. Little things they developed like a counting game with squeezing each other's hands just to let the other one know they were there and thinking about them regardless of whether they were driving, fighting, whatever. At one point, he told me he loved me probably more than his wife. I didn't think much of it and I highly doubted it, but it stuck in my mind. Last night, he told me he didn't love me nearly as much as he had loved his wife. He covered it up by saying they grew up together, knew each other for way longer, and went through much more together than he and I had. Okay, this makes sense, I guess but it hurt to hear it. I mean, who says that? I would suspect he would love her more, but you don't say that to someone! Especially someone who is barely surviving and doesn't feel loved by anyone right now, especially friends or guys.
We keep talking and venting about our counseling sessions. I don't know why, but we do. In fact, we're having deeper conversations than we did when we were dating. It's really frustrating, actually. Anywho, he asked how I have been doing. I told him the following story:
Yesterday, I started my OB class and I have been excited about this class since I started college! I absolutely love watching births and seeing pregnant women and babies and everything that has to do with moms and babies. We started watching a birth in class (a video) and my eyes started tearing up. These weren't happy tears at a baby being born, these were tears of pain because the woman had her feet in stirrups and it reminded me of my SANE exam.
The next birth video was in a birthing center and my eyes teared up again and they almost spilled over. The video ended and I watched the wall for most of it because I was on the verge of sobbing. I couldn't catch my breath, I was hyperventilating, my heart was pounding, I was sad that I don't believe I will ever have babies, and I'm disappointed I was having so many troubles in a class that I have so been looking forward to forever! I want to be a midwife for goodness sake!!!
Whew, so that video ended and I kinda kept my composure. Lecture continued and we watched a third video towards the end. This was a water birth at home. About a minute into the video, my eye were filled with tears, I was having all the symptoms that I had in the second video and the tears started spilling. I jumped from my seat (which was in the back right next to the door, thank the L-rd) and I nearly ran to the bathroom. I got in there and there were other people. I washed my hands to make it seem like I was okay, but I absolutely wasn't. Then, all of a sudden, Beauty comes walking out of a stall. I dried my hands, looked up and said "hey! it's you!" The concern on her face was evident, she asked if I was okay. I said I was fine, booked it out of that bathroom and speed walked to the bathroom in the back of the building. Oh my goodness, I lost it! I was in a stall, sitting on the toilet, trying to keep my sobs as silent as possible and cried for about 5 minutes. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop shaking, I was losing my mind and it was terrifying! I waited for the other girls to leave, emmerged from my sanctuary and washed my hands, splashed cold water on my face a few times, and composed myself enough to go back to class. I zoned out for the rest of class just so that my body could sit there to keep my friends from wondering if I was okay.
On the phone with Jacob (exfiance) later that night, I explained all of this to him. He was kinda sweet about it and the most important thing is he listens to my rambling about my lack of coping with life right now. He asked me a few questions and we got to a point where I was explaining that I haven't been sleeping more than a couple hours each night because I can't fall asleep and I keep having flashbacks about him, exboyfriend and Country Boy. We discussed Country Boy's suicide and Jacob told me that I shouldn't be sad about him committing suicide. He said that me being sad and crying about it is selfish. I know it's selfish, but at the same time I need to be able to cope with what happened because it affected me terribly. You don't tell people not to cry or be sad if something happened in their life or they had a friend/family member die! You just don't do that!!! I ended up getting really mad, but Jacob just kept talking and I kept crying.
He ended by reverting to saying that I never loved him. He said he's not mad because he knows I have been in "survival mode" (according to my counselor because of the severe PTSD). He says he's proud of me for getting good grades and continuing with school even though my brain isn't functioning properly and barely surviving right now. He told me he thinks I'm a "badass bitch" because I keep on going even though most people would be staying in bed all the time and they would have given up a long time ago. He's proud of me for not killing myself and for not cutting in a few weeks. He says he's proud of me for getting help and for dealing with all of the troubles in my life without telling people about them.
I think that's one of the hardest things to do. If you have a broken leg or some reason to get surgery, people understand you taking time to recover and build yourself back up. They usually respect your privacy and the fact you need space. They are also more likely to want to help you with food, cleaning, groceries, etc because they know you may need help. The thing with rape is, you can't tell everyone. Well, you could, but it's likely to cause you more problems than it is to help you at all. I have chosen to tell a couple friends for support, but the vast majority of the people in my life (most of my friends, bosses, professors/instructors, patients, extended family, and even my dad) have no idea what's wrong with me. They see that I'm changing, withdrawing, sad, grumpy, and all around not being myself, but they don't know why. So, they tell me to suck it up and then get angry when they are not top priority on my list. But what am I supposed to do? I was burned out with all of the needy people in my life before any of this bad stuff happened. What am I supposed to do now that it is all I can do to wake up in the morning and consider getting out of bed?
We went on to talk about one of Jacob's friends from back in the day passing away this week. He tarted talking about a bunch of other friends that had died through his life, including his "father figure" who he really looked up to. Turns out, the father figure guy had a nephew that had committed suicide about the same time Country Boy did. They both also had the same name. We realized this all for the first time last night. Jacob had helped his father figure get the kid down from his noose once he was found. So Jacob asked for a picture of Country Boy to see if it was the same kid. He was freaking out last night saying it was so creepy and weirding him out that my friend that died might have been the same guy that he helped get down after the other kid's suicide. After I sent him the picture today, he said they weren't the same kid. It's a little bit of a relief.
Jacob also found out that Country Boy ended up being buried. About a month after he had died, I went to the place where his funeral was held (after clinical that day and I was in my whites), but they told me he had been cremated. Well, turns out Jacob called the funeral home and he was told Country Boy had been buried there. Okay, looks like I'm going there to see his grave tomorrow.
Jacob and I closed the conversation with him saying he'd pray that I would be able to sleep at a decent time last night. He called back like 2 minutes later saying: "Hey, I know this is going to sound weird, these aren't my words and I don't know what I'm saying, but do you remember the guy that you told me about? You know, the one that Satan made a bet with G-d that the guy wouldn't stay good, so G-d allowed him to be tested by Satan just to see if he would stay good?"
Me: "Job?"
Him: "Yeah! Well, while I was praying, I got this feeling that you are that guy. You are being tested. Now, this is going to sound really weird and I don't understand the words, but you are supposed to stand fast with your religion. Don't give up and keep doing what you're doing"
Me: "Okay, I'll try to keep my faith."
That was it. He doesn't talk like that ever. He's been reading a devotional book he got from me based off of the Love Dare book, but it's the year-long one. It still has challenges each week, but it also has a lesson and verse for each day. I'm surprised he's still doing it. I'm even more surprised he's gone to counseling and says he's going to keep going. We'll see. I don't foresee us getting back together, ever. I feel like the L-rd told me that he will change, but I won't see the fruits of this (my) labor but the story ends well for him. I hope it ends well for me too, but I guess we'll see.
Well, y'all keep on keepin' on. Stick with the faith and know that the L-rd is working, even if you feel like your whole life is going up in smoke. G-d is working on a billion things for every one thing He lets you have a glimpse of. I believe that's true for me too. Blessings guys.
P.S.
His prayer, along with mine, actually worked. Maybe it was psychological, but I think the L-rd helped me a lot. I fell asleep within about 10 minutes of hanging up from the second phone call.
I guess he and his counselor talked about me and why the two of us broke up. Jacob ended up calling me last night and telling me that he believes I was never really "in love" with him because he was just a rebound and distraction from my first rape. It has occurred to me that he may have been a rebound, but I had feelings for him. However, when he continually lied to me, that's when the love dwindled away because I had been loving him for the lies, not for him actually showing me his past scars. I think he may have started as a rebound, but I developed true love for him. Having him tell me he didn't think I ever loved him hurt. It hurt a lot.
While we were going out, there were times that he would compare me to his dead wife. He would say she was pretty, but I think you're prettier. Or he would tell me what she did to calm him down or what she did that he liked. Little things they developed like a counting game with squeezing each other's hands just to let the other one know they were there and thinking about them regardless of whether they were driving, fighting, whatever. At one point, he told me he loved me probably more than his wife. I didn't think much of it and I highly doubted it, but it stuck in my mind. Last night, he told me he didn't love me nearly as much as he had loved his wife. He covered it up by saying they grew up together, knew each other for way longer, and went through much more together than he and I had. Okay, this makes sense, I guess but it hurt to hear it. I mean, who says that? I would suspect he would love her more, but you don't say that to someone! Especially someone who is barely surviving and doesn't feel loved by anyone right now, especially friends or guys.
We keep talking and venting about our counseling sessions. I don't know why, but we do. In fact, we're having deeper conversations than we did when we were dating. It's really frustrating, actually. Anywho, he asked how I have been doing. I told him the following story:
Yesterday, I started my OB class and I have been excited about this class since I started college! I absolutely love watching births and seeing pregnant women and babies and everything that has to do with moms and babies. We started watching a birth in class (a video) and my eyes started tearing up. These weren't happy tears at a baby being born, these were tears of pain because the woman had her feet in stirrups and it reminded me of my SANE exam.
The next birth video was in a birthing center and my eyes teared up again and they almost spilled over. The video ended and I watched the wall for most of it because I was on the verge of sobbing. I couldn't catch my breath, I was hyperventilating, my heart was pounding, I was sad that I don't believe I will ever have babies, and I'm disappointed I was having so many troubles in a class that I have so been looking forward to forever! I want to be a midwife for goodness sake!!!
Whew, so that video ended and I kinda kept my composure. Lecture continued and we watched a third video towards the end. This was a water birth at home. About a minute into the video, my eye were filled with tears, I was having all the symptoms that I had in the second video and the tears started spilling. I jumped from my seat (which was in the back right next to the door, thank the L-rd) and I nearly ran to the bathroom. I got in there and there were other people. I washed my hands to make it seem like I was okay, but I absolutely wasn't. Then, all of a sudden, Beauty comes walking out of a stall. I dried my hands, looked up and said "hey! it's you!" The concern on her face was evident, she asked if I was okay. I said I was fine, booked it out of that bathroom and speed walked to the bathroom in the back of the building. Oh my goodness, I lost it! I was in a stall, sitting on the toilet, trying to keep my sobs as silent as possible and cried for about 5 minutes. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop shaking, I was losing my mind and it was terrifying! I waited for the other girls to leave, emmerged from my sanctuary and washed my hands, splashed cold water on my face a few times, and composed myself enough to go back to class. I zoned out for the rest of class just so that my body could sit there to keep my friends from wondering if I was okay.
On the phone with Jacob (exfiance) later that night, I explained all of this to him. He was kinda sweet about it and the most important thing is he listens to my rambling about my lack of coping with life right now. He asked me a few questions and we got to a point where I was explaining that I haven't been sleeping more than a couple hours each night because I can't fall asleep and I keep having flashbacks about him, exboyfriend and Country Boy. We discussed Country Boy's suicide and Jacob told me that I shouldn't be sad about him committing suicide. He said that me being sad and crying about it is selfish. I know it's selfish, but at the same time I need to be able to cope with what happened because it affected me terribly. You don't tell people not to cry or be sad if something happened in their life or they had a friend/family member die! You just don't do that!!! I ended up getting really mad, but Jacob just kept talking and I kept crying.
He ended by reverting to saying that I never loved him. He said he's not mad because he knows I have been in "survival mode" (according to my counselor because of the severe PTSD). He says he's proud of me for getting good grades and continuing with school even though my brain isn't functioning properly and barely surviving right now. He told me he thinks I'm a "badass bitch" because I keep on going even though most people would be staying in bed all the time and they would have given up a long time ago. He's proud of me for not killing myself and for not cutting in a few weeks. He says he's proud of me for getting help and for dealing with all of the troubles in my life without telling people about them.
I think that's one of the hardest things to do. If you have a broken leg or some reason to get surgery, people understand you taking time to recover and build yourself back up. They usually respect your privacy and the fact you need space. They are also more likely to want to help you with food, cleaning, groceries, etc because they know you may need help. The thing with rape is, you can't tell everyone. Well, you could, but it's likely to cause you more problems than it is to help you at all. I have chosen to tell a couple friends for support, but the vast majority of the people in my life (most of my friends, bosses, professors/instructors, patients, extended family, and even my dad) have no idea what's wrong with me. They see that I'm changing, withdrawing, sad, grumpy, and all around not being myself, but they don't know why. So, they tell me to suck it up and then get angry when they are not top priority on my list. But what am I supposed to do? I was burned out with all of the needy people in my life before any of this bad stuff happened. What am I supposed to do now that it is all I can do to wake up in the morning and consider getting out of bed?
We went on to talk about one of Jacob's friends from back in the day passing away this week. He tarted talking about a bunch of other friends that had died through his life, including his "father figure" who he really looked up to. Turns out, the father figure guy had a nephew that had committed suicide about the same time Country Boy did. They both also had the same name. We realized this all for the first time last night. Jacob had helped his father figure get the kid down from his noose once he was found. So Jacob asked for a picture of Country Boy to see if it was the same kid. He was freaking out last night saying it was so creepy and weirding him out that my friend that died might have been the same guy that he helped get down after the other kid's suicide. After I sent him the picture today, he said they weren't the same kid. It's a little bit of a relief.
Jacob also found out that Country Boy ended up being buried. About a month after he had died, I went to the place where his funeral was held (after clinical that day and I was in my whites), but they told me he had been cremated. Well, turns out Jacob called the funeral home and he was told Country Boy had been buried there. Okay, looks like I'm going there to see his grave tomorrow.
Jacob and I closed the conversation with him saying he'd pray that I would be able to sleep at a decent time last night. He called back like 2 minutes later saying: "Hey, I know this is going to sound weird, these aren't my words and I don't know what I'm saying, but do you remember the guy that you told me about? You know, the one that Satan made a bet with G-d that the guy wouldn't stay good, so G-d allowed him to be tested by Satan just to see if he would stay good?"
Me: "Job?"
Him: "Yeah! Well, while I was praying, I got this feeling that you are that guy. You are being tested. Now, this is going to sound really weird and I don't understand the words, but you are supposed to stand fast with your religion. Don't give up and keep doing what you're doing"
Me: "Okay, I'll try to keep my faith."
That was it. He doesn't talk like that ever. He's been reading a devotional book he got from me based off of the Love Dare book, but it's the year-long one. It still has challenges each week, but it also has a lesson and verse for each day. I'm surprised he's still doing it. I'm even more surprised he's gone to counseling and says he's going to keep going. We'll see. I don't foresee us getting back together, ever. I feel like the L-rd told me that he will change, but I won't see the fruits of this (my) labor but the story ends well for him. I hope it ends well for me too, but I guess we'll see.
Well, y'all keep on keepin' on. Stick with the faith and know that the L-rd is working, even if you feel like your whole life is going up in smoke. G-d is working on a billion things for every one thing He lets you have a glimpse of. I believe that's true for me too. Blessings guys.
P.S.
His prayer, along with mine, actually worked. Maybe it was psychological, but I think the L-rd helped me a lot. I fell asleep within about 10 minutes of hanging up from the second phone call.
Monday, January 18, 2016
Bipolar Rollercoaster of a Breakup
For those of you that have been following, this break-up has been really tough on me, but there are good things about it.
Today I went to visit Brother at work. He works at a hookah shop and lots of people go through there in a day, but I probably wouldn't date any of them because nearly 98% probably smoke weed. Anyway, I got a compliment on my hair from one guy. Another guy came in to look around and ended up staying for about an hour talking with my brother and I. Brother said he was into me because he was trying to tell me all of his good qualities by working it "subtly" into conversation. I noticed that he was blushing, super smiley and giggly, and when he left he introduced himself to my brother an I with handshakes (I mean, who does that in college?) and after hearing my name he repeated it. He was so stinkin' cute but I won't ever pursue it because he's got a lot of red flags popping up already for him from my end. Another co-worker mentioned that Brother's manager wants to date me and all of the coworkers he works with make a point to ask when we will start dating. Plus, Brother's roommate has had a crush on me since we met two and a half years ago.
Again, I will not be allowing any of these guys to start relationships with me but it makes me feel so pretty and desirable by complete strangers. It's a confidence booster that I needed after two guys who didn't tell me I looked good after spending 3 hours to do my hair and make-up and get new clothes to look good for them. Well guys, turns out I'm kinda a catch!
When guys learn I like to shoot guns, fish, camp (real camping in tents, not "glamping" in an RV), riding horses, fixing cars, welding, cows, etc. they typically think I'm a bad-ass! The guys I dated did not. Being a church girl is typically an exciting thing. Being an almost baby nurse is typically an exciting and admirable thing. Also, it turns out I'm a frickin' fantastic girlfriend! I'll also be a great mom. The guys I dated didn't care about any of this, but most other guys I meet think this is all super exciting stuff!
Maybe G-d is just showing me that these two guys weren't the end-all-be-all for me. Maybe He's showing me that I'm desirable and there may be a guy who falls in love with everything that I am because some people think I'm great. Not to toot my own horn, but I am pretty great. Yes, I have a lot of faults and a lot of shortcomings, but I have a lot of positive attributes too.
Thank you L-rd for today being a huge confidence booster. Please protect me from now on and bring a great guy into my life. (More on the kind of guy I think I might want later, or maybe never because the list is way too long).
Oh, roommate and puppy came back today. I have been so lonely this whole month and a half of Winter Break but they're back! I'm sad break is over and I'm starting my last semester of nursing school, but I love school and I love peds/ob. I'm hoping that this semester isn't as terrible as everyone says it is. Here's to praying that I get to enjoy my last semester of nursing school instead of barely surviving with life so that school doesn't even matter (which is how 2015 turned out). Please, oh L-rd, let 2016 be better than 2015 ended up for me!!!
If this post doesn't show the ups and downs of life and bipolar disorder after the last post, I don't know what will.
- I'm feeling stronger than I have in over a year, and probably stronger than I ever have been.
- I'm finally getting counseling (tomorrow) without anyone around to make fun of me for going. In fact, exfiance and I had a bet that he just lost and he gets to start counseling on Thursday. He was the one making fun of me for going before and now he has no place to talk.
- I'm learning to speak my mind instead of protect other people's feelings.
- I'm feeling free for the first time in a very long time. This makes me happy, some days.
- The main thing that is making me happy since this break-up is... SO MANY GUYS ARE FLIRTING WITH ME!
Today I went to visit Brother at work. He works at a hookah shop and lots of people go through there in a day, but I probably wouldn't date any of them because nearly 98% probably smoke weed. Anyway, I got a compliment on my hair from one guy. Another guy came in to look around and ended up staying for about an hour talking with my brother and I. Brother said he was into me because he was trying to tell me all of his good qualities by working it "subtly" into conversation. I noticed that he was blushing, super smiley and giggly, and when he left he introduced himself to my brother an I with handshakes (I mean, who does that in college?) and after hearing my name he repeated it. He was so stinkin' cute but I won't ever pursue it because he's got a lot of red flags popping up already for him from my end. Another co-worker mentioned that Brother's manager wants to date me and all of the coworkers he works with make a point to ask when we will start dating. Plus, Brother's roommate has had a crush on me since we met two and a half years ago.
Again, I will not be allowing any of these guys to start relationships with me but it makes me feel so pretty and desirable by complete strangers. It's a confidence booster that I needed after two guys who didn't tell me I looked good after spending 3 hours to do my hair and make-up and get new clothes to look good for them. Well guys, turns out I'm kinda a catch!
When guys learn I like to shoot guns, fish, camp (real camping in tents, not "glamping" in an RV), riding horses, fixing cars, welding, cows, etc. they typically think I'm a bad-ass! The guys I dated did not. Being a church girl is typically an exciting thing. Being an almost baby nurse is typically an exciting and admirable thing. Also, it turns out I'm a frickin' fantastic girlfriend! I'll also be a great mom. The guys I dated didn't care about any of this, but most other guys I meet think this is all super exciting stuff!
Maybe G-d is just showing me that these two guys weren't the end-all-be-all for me. Maybe He's showing me that I'm desirable and there may be a guy who falls in love with everything that I am because some people think I'm great. Not to toot my own horn, but I am pretty great. Yes, I have a lot of faults and a lot of shortcomings, but I have a lot of positive attributes too.
Thank you L-rd for today being a huge confidence booster. Please protect me from now on and bring a great guy into my life. (More on the kind of guy I think I might want later, or maybe never because the list is way too long).
Oh, roommate and puppy came back today. I have been so lonely this whole month and a half of Winter Break but they're back! I'm sad break is over and I'm starting my last semester of nursing school, but I love school and I love peds/ob. I'm hoping that this semester isn't as terrible as everyone says it is. Here's to praying that I get to enjoy my last semester of nursing school instead of barely surviving with life so that school doesn't even matter (which is how 2015 turned out). Please, oh L-rd, let 2016 be better than 2015 ended up for me!!!
If this post doesn't show the ups and downs of life and bipolar disorder after the last post, I don't know what will.
Saturday, January 16, 2016
Loneliness Ensues
Exfiance and I had been talking since the breakup a few weeks ago. I ended that last night. Well, I called him to see if he would go to some places that brought back a lot of flashbacks. Desensitization therapy, kinda. He said he would so I met him at the first place. He didn't want to go in right away, he wanted to talk for awhile. So, I got in his truck an we talked. It's been the same thing over and over since the breakup. He says he misses me and wants to fix us. I tell him it's too late. He says it's not. Blah, blah, blah. We have this conversation almost every day.
Last night, we went to two of my hundreds of bad places and spent nearly 4 hours in his truck talking and maybe 10 minutes in one store. Then we started talking in front of the other one but never went in. He finally yelled at me. I was waiting for it because he has yelled at me for everything we've ever "discussed" in the course of our relationship. He says it's my dad's fault that we broke up and that I broke up with him out of no where. On my end, I agree that my dad not approving the engagement was what finally tipped me over the edge, but that's not what put the final nail in the coffin. I have been explaining to exfiance that he needed to treat me better, put down his phone when I'm out with him, talk to me, open up about stuff, tell me the truth about stuff, stop lying to me, stop putting me down every chance he gets, stop making fun of me to his friends (WHILE I'M THERE!), and just being a decent person to me in general. FROM THE VERY BEGINNING! I have given him so many chances. He kept telling me he would change and try to be good to me but that was just to get me to be back in a relationship with him. Then he would go right back to being mean to me.
I finally told him that last night. I don't know where the strength came from, but after two places and him yelling at me for about 4 hours and continually trying to kiss me, I had had enough. I flat out told him that I was done. I told him that I had been trying to be friends with him, but he was always pushing the relationship. He didn't respect me enough to stop trying to kiss me when we were no longer going out, he wouldn't stop grabbing my butt, he wouldn't stop doing the things that angered me in the relationship even though he says he's changed and he's totally different now. Bullshit. He started selling himself to me saying "let's just try it for a month, or to the end of this month, or for 3 days. Give me 3 days and I'll show you I'm different. Give me 24 hours, or 12 hours!" He just kept talking and talking the way he does when he is selling (hussling) people in the mall at the kiosk he now works at.
I told him that I tried the friend thing, but maybe we should just stop talking cold turkey. He started using his same manipulative tactics that I now recognize from the other times I've tried to leave. This time, however, I saw through it all. I see that he wants me but he doesn't see my value. He wants to put me in a box and he wants me to do whatever he wants. He thinks I'll cower and let him control me.
He drove off pissed off beyond belief last night. His go-to emotion has always been anger and it used to make me feel bad. Now, I say what I mean. No more beating around the bush, saying stuff "nice" so that he won't blow up. Nope, I laid it all out, very few words, and I let him be angry with me. I showed no emotion and had none to really show anyway. I felt so strong and freed at the end of that when he was driving away and I was getting in my car. I apologized for calling him into town for such a stupid reason, and I told him that we were no more. I had given him some books that I used when I was trying to get our relationship to work and I asked for them all back. He kept one saying it would be an excuse to come and see me again. He can have it because it was probably $3 and I'll just get another one if I even think I want to read it again.
I'm done.
I've learned a lot though! I've seen firsthand accounts of a manipulative relationship. I've learned that if my family doesn't like him then that's a red flag. However, they liked exboyfriend and we all know how that ended. If someone has a lot of dramatic stories, that is a red flag. When someone wants to isolate you and tells you to tell your friends and family to fuck off if they don't like the relationship, that's a huge problem. Unfortunately, I've learned that not everyone is as truthful as I try to be. Many people do bad things and rationalize it to themselves that the other person made them do it. That's not healthy. I've learned that I am stronger than I believed I was. I don't deserve manipulative relationships. I don't deserve being forced into a physical relationship and guys worth while won't force physical stuff on you. They will wait and respect what you want. I've also learned that many friendships aren't as deep as I thought they were. Many people can't handle the stuff I have to live through because of my poor choices. I have learned that when I cannot handle things, I need to be able to go to a trusted person so that they can provide outside advice on the situation. If it is bad from their point of view, then maybe I'm not being crazy and something is actually wrong. I've also learned that I am able to handle this stuff on my own, with the help of the L-rd because people cannot handle my baggage.
Do you guys remember best friend from when I first started blogging? We had a crush on each other and I was nervous about him asking me out. We went out for about 3 weeks, where I completely avoided him that whole time, and then I broke up with him. He started texting me a couple months ago. Lately, I told him what had happened with exboyfriend and exfiance. He is being so sweet and supportive, like a friend should. He has a girlfriend and I don't want to take him from her, but I forgot how much I missed him. He gives me hope that there is a decent guy out there for me. He was always respectful of my boundaries and always just wanted to talk and get to know me deeper. He didn't rush the physical stuff. He was my friend first for several years before he tried to get anywhere else with me. Even then, he was my friend first and boyfriend second. I miss him so terribly but I am so glad the the L-rd has brought him back as my friend. I pray that I find a guy like him again. Those guys usually get married really quick, though, because girls come and snatch them up really quick.
Oh well, here's to hoping the L-rd has someone with a lot of grace, kindness, goodness, respect, love, forgiveness, and understanding. Someone who can handle all my crazy and love me for my heart.
Why did I not wait for a guy like that? Why did I settle twice and land myself in a ditch?
Last night, we went to two of my hundreds of bad places and spent nearly 4 hours in his truck talking and maybe 10 minutes in one store. Then we started talking in front of the other one but never went in. He finally yelled at me. I was waiting for it because he has yelled at me for everything we've ever "discussed" in the course of our relationship. He says it's my dad's fault that we broke up and that I broke up with him out of no where. On my end, I agree that my dad not approving the engagement was what finally tipped me over the edge, but that's not what put the final nail in the coffin. I have been explaining to exfiance that he needed to treat me better, put down his phone when I'm out with him, talk to me, open up about stuff, tell me the truth about stuff, stop lying to me, stop putting me down every chance he gets, stop making fun of me to his friends (WHILE I'M THERE!), and just being a decent person to me in general. FROM THE VERY BEGINNING! I have given him so many chances. He kept telling me he would change and try to be good to me but that was just to get me to be back in a relationship with him. Then he would go right back to being mean to me.
I finally told him that last night. I don't know where the strength came from, but after two places and him yelling at me for about 4 hours and continually trying to kiss me, I had had enough. I flat out told him that I was done. I told him that I had been trying to be friends with him, but he was always pushing the relationship. He didn't respect me enough to stop trying to kiss me when we were no longer going out, he wouldn't stop grabbing my butt, he wouldn't stop doing the things that angered me in the relationship even though he says he's changed and he's totally different now. Bullshit. He started selling himself to me saying "let's just try it for a month, or to the end of this month, or for 3 days. Give me 3 days and I'll show you I'm different. Give me 24 hours, or 12 hours!" He just kept talking and talking the way he does when he is selling (hussling) people in the mall at the kiosk he now works at.
I told him that I tried the friend thing, but maybe we should just stop talking cold turkey. He started using his same manipulative tactics that I now recognize from the other times I've tried to leave. This time, however, I saw through it all. I see that he wants me but he doesn't see my value. He wants to put me in a box and he wants me to do whatever he wants. He thinks I'll cower and let him control me.
He drove off pissed off beyond belief last night. His go-to emotion has always been anger and it used to make me feel bad. Now, I say what I mean. No more beating around the bush, saying stuff "nice" so that he won't blow up. Nope, I laid it all out, very few words, and I let him be angry with me. I showed no emotion and had none to really show anyway. I felt so strong and freed at the end of that when he was driving away and I was getting in my car. I apologized for calling him into town for such a stupid reason, and I told him that we were no more. I had given him some books that I used when I was trying to get our relationship to work and I asked for them all back. He kept one saying it would be an excuse to come and see me again. He can have it because it was probably $3 and I'll just get another one if I even think I want to read it again.
I'm done.
I've learned a lot though! I've seen firsthand accounts of a manipulative relationship. I've learned that if my family doesn't like him then that's a red flag. However, they liked exboyfriend and we all know how that ended. If someone has a lot of dramatic stories, that is a red flag. When someone wants to isolate you and tells you to tell your friends and family to fuck off if they don't like the relationship, that's a huge problem. Unfortunately, I've learned that not everyone is as truthful as I try to be. Many people do bad things and rationalize it to themselves that the other person made them do it. That's not healthy. I've learned that I am stronger than I believed I was. I don't deserve manipulative relationships. I don't deserve being forced into a physical relationship and guys worth while won't force physical stuff on you. They will wait and respect what you want. I've also learned that many friendships aren't as deep as I thought they were. Many people can't handle the stuff I have to live through because of my poor choices. I have learned that when I cannot handle things, I need to be able to go to a trusted person so that they can provide outside advice on the situation. If it is bad from their point of view, then maybe I'm not being crazy and something is actually wrong. I've also learned that I am able to handle this stuff on my own, with the help of the L-rd because people cannot handle my baggage.
Do you guys remember best friend from when I first started blogging? We had a crush on each other and I was nervous about him asking me out. We went out for about 3 weeks, where I completely avoided him that whole time, and then I broke up with him. He started texting me a couple months ago. Lately, I told him what had happened with exboyfriend and exfiance. He is being so sweet and supportive, like a friend should. He has a girlfriend and I don't want to take him from her, but I forgot how much I missed him. He gives me hope that there is a decent guy out there for me. He was always respectful of my boundaries and always just wanted to talk and get to know me deeper. He didn't rush the physical stuff. He was my friend first for several years before he tried to get anywhere else with me. Even then, he was my friend first and boyfriend second. I miss him so terribly but I am so glad the the L-rd has brought him back as my friend. I pray that I find a guy like him again. Those guys usually get married really quick, though, because girls come and snatch them up really quick.
Oh well, here's to hoping the L-rd has someone with a lot of grace, kindness, goodness, respect, love, forgiveness, and understanding. Someone who can handle all my crazy and love me for my heart.
Why did I not wait for a guy like that? Why did I settle twice and land myself in a ditch?
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