For a good chunk of the last decade, I have been wondering what it would be like to be in a relationship, and I had been desiring to be married. Recently, as in the past few days, I have realized that I am coming into my own skin as a single girl.
I went through 2, count them 2, relationships and both were in 2015. Well, there was this "trial run" with Best Friend, but I don't fully count that...
If you have read any of my posts, you would know that most of them are about the grieving process and healing after these terrible "relationships". Along with the struggles of the pieces left after I left my two boyfriends, you may see that I still struggle with the desire to be in a relationship, get married, and somehow find someone to love and have companionship in life.
Lately, however, I have been getting used to my time alone. I have friends at work, family to call when I'm lonely, and my alone time is fairly nice and something I often enjoy in the day or two directly after working.
Nearly a year after finding freedom from the evilness that engulfed my life for nearly a year, I am finding peace from being alone. There are moments where I am a bit lonely, but it is not nearly as difficult as it had been when I first moved to Small Town, away from my friends and family in Home State.
I can often remain happy, or at least content, until I am reminded of the girls who get the opportunity to marry a guy who treats them with respect and waits until marriage to sleep with her. I get sad that my reality is so very different.
Yet, I am grateful that I have strength to move somewhere that is several states away, by MYSELF. I have been through things, and with people, that should have and tried to kill me. I made it out of those things alive. I have a life, by myself, between living with my parents and making a future for myself. I know what it is like to be so very alone that I wander around a store, just to be around people. I also know what it is like to be able to depend on myself to make it in this world, in a world where my generation can't even get their own driver's license at the age of 21 without having their parents present, because their parents have done everything for them for the entirety of their lives. I am brave, and strong, and smart, and a survivor, and despite everything, the L-rd has allowed my heart to remain tender enough to cry with parents over the difficulty of their baby's condition. My heart aches for girls who have had to deal with my ex-boyfriends and the fact that these girls have lived a similar reality. My heart still breaks for people going through any type of tough situation, whether I have been through it or not.
I have learned that pride is something that is okay when done in the right way. I am so very proud and grateful for the way the L-rd has brought me through my traumas and difficult life circumstances. I still get upset and I'm still angry at what was done, but my heart has not hardened and I am presently content with my survival abilities up to this point.
For right now, I am okay being single and I feel that is an important milestone to be able to reach, for me.
Showing posts with label life circumstances. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life circumstances. Show all posts
Friday, November 11, 2016
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
Don't Let the Stories Die
I recently found myself making lists of things I wanted to do. I was making lists because I was terribly bored and attempting to find fun things to do in town. Also, the lists get my mind to focus on something other than Netflix for a couple hours every once in a while.
During this list-making obsession, I decided I needed to read some "fun" books again. Oh how I love to read!... for fun. Give me a textbook about med/surg nursing and I will either fall asleep the moment it is opened or decide that my house, my mom's house, my brother's frat house, and every single vehicle in my line of vision needs to be cleaned spotless. I'm not normally a tidy or clean person, so you can see how "Pulling a Monica" (I know it's used incorrectly from how Friends uses it, but you know what I mean... she's the clean freak!) would be quite worrisome for my friends and family.
So, after my unit meeting today, I went off and signed myself up at the library. We have a surprising number of libraries in town (5-6) considering how small this town is. Even College Town didn't have this many and it was a bigger city! Anywho, I picked up some books after not finding the ones I was after. While wondering through the many isles of unopened adventures and make-believe lands, my eye caught on a book by Sally Hepworth called The Secrets of Midwives. Naturally, this sounds like a book I need to read! Does it not?
I began the book when I woke from a nap at midnight and I'm already halfway done with it at 0500. This author is an incredible writer and the story really has me engaged. I can imagine myself in each of the lives it depicts, and as being the midwife in these situations. By the way, the book is about a grandmother, mom, and granddaughter; three generations of women who are all midwives and how their various life circumstances intertwine.
What I was not expecting, however, is an underlying story plot of domestic violence. Which, of course, brought me crashing back to earth, to reality, to my story.
When I read, or journal, or blog for that matter, I often find myself wishing I were better at writing so that I could write books. I want desperately to somehow have my story mean something. For the things I lived through to make a greater impact on the world than people hearing I am recovering from rape, domestic violence, and the complex PTSD that followed. I want people to be able to somehow find hope and perhaps be able to avoid situations like mine, by reading or hearing about my story.
I don't want my circumstances and memories to simply fade away and die with me. I figure, if someone has to survive shit like this, those stories need to be remembered and used as warnings for others before it's too late. Before they say yes to a date that they should be wary of. Before they get in to deep with a person who is digging in their evil tentacles from the very moment they meet. Before a person even begins dating, way back in middle school, so they are taught what is absolutely not okay so that the next generations of children have some sort of hope of having higher standards for what dating and love is actually supposed to be, not the sick and twisted version I and so many other have to suffer through.
Today my desire to continue on to be a Nurse Midwife is stronger than ever, as is my desire to potentially find a way to tell my story in a fictional way. Maybe, BedpanAlley could be a published writer of both midwifery, neonatal care, and fictional books someday... Y'all, it'll take a miracle, but how many other miracles have occurred already for me? I'm not even supposed to be here today.
Folks, regardless of where you are in your journey, or whether we walk similar paths or not, I think some of our hardest sufferings, along with our greatest triumphs, deserve to be remembered. Think about maybe keeping a journal to chronicle such events. Perhaps I'm overly sentimental, or odd, or whatever, but I don't think such things should die with us. I enjoy listening or reading about the things my grandparents got to experience, and I often listen with a heavy heart as they explain the pains hey endured. However, it brings a sense of understanding and greater closeness between us. It also helps the new generations not forget the happenings of the past. We lose so much by not looking back. Look at midwifery and obstetrical care: many providers have lost the ability to deliver breech presenting babies. We've lost the basic knowledge of how to build fires and keep them banked for the night so that we don't freeze in our sleep... Many of us have lost the ability to hunt, or if we do hunt we don't do it without a gun or pre-made, specialized bow. Moral of the story: you have stories, don't let them die with you. Tell them to someone who will pass them on or write them in a journal. We don't necessarily need to pass on our Facebook and Instagram accounts, but pass on the deep, meaningful and very real occurrences, both happy and sad, that occur in your life.
During this list-making obsession, I decided I needed to read some "fun" books again. Oh how I love to read!... for fun. Give me a textbook about med/surg nursing and I will either fall asleep the moment it is opened or decide that my house, my mom's house, my brother's frat house, and every single vehicle in my line of vision needs to be cleaned spotless. I'm not normally a tidy or clean person, so you can see how "Pulling a Monica" (I know it's used incorrectly from how Friends uses it, but you know what I mean... she's the clean freak!) would be quite worrisome for my friends and family.
So, after my unit meeting today, I went off and signed myself up at the library. We have a surprising number of libraries in town (5-6) considering how small this town is. Even College Town didn't have this many and it was a bigger city! Anywho, I picked up some books after not finding the ones I was after. While wondering through the many isles of unopened adventures and make-believe lands, my eye caught on a book by Sally Hepworth called The Secrets of Midwives. Naturally, this sounds like a book I need to read! Does it not?
I began the book when I woke from a nap at midnight and I'm already halfway done with it at 0500. This author is an incredible writer and the story really has me engaged. I can imagine myself in each of the lives it depicts, and as being the midwife in these situations. By the way, the book is about a grandmother, mom, and granddaughter; three generations of women who are all midwives and how their various life circumstances intertwine.
What I was not expecting, however, is an underlying story plot of domestic violence. Which, of course, brought me crashing back to earth, to reality, to my story.
When I read, or journal, or blog for that matter, I often find myself wishing I were better at writing so that I could write books. I want desperately to somehow have my story mean something. For the things I lived through to make a greater impact on the world than people hearing I am recovering from rape, domestic violence, and the complex PTSD that followed. I want people to be able to somehow find hope and perhaps be able to avoid situations like mine, by reading or hearing about my story.
I don't want my circumstances and memories to simply fade away and die with me. I figure, if someone has to survive shit like this, those stories need to be remembered and used as warnings for others before it's too late. Before they say yes to a date that they should be wary of. Before they get in to deep with a person who is digging in their evil tentacles from the very moment they meet. Before a person even begins dating, way back in middle school, so they are taught what is absolutely not okay so that the next generations of children have some sort of hope of having higher standards for what dating and love is actually supposed to be, not the sick and twisted version I and so many other have to suffer through.
Today my desire to continue on to be a Nurse Midwife is stronger than ever, as is my desire to potentially find a way to tell my story in a fictional way. Maybe, BedpanAlley could be a published writer of both midwifery, neonatal care, and fictional books someday... Y'all, it'll take a miracle, but how many other miracles have occurred already for me? I'm not even supposed to be here today.
Folks, regardless of where you are in your journey, or whether we walk similar paths or not, I think some of our hardest sufferings, along with our greatest triumphs, deserve to be remembered. Think about maybe keeping a journal to chronicle such events. Perhaps I'm overly sentimental, or odd, or whatever, but I don't think such things should die with us. I enjoy listening or reading about the things my grandparents got to experience, and I often listen with a heavy heart as they explain the pains hey endured. However, it brings a sense of understanding and greater closeness between us. It also helps the new generations not forget the happenings of the past. We lose so much by not looking back. Look at midwifery and obstetrical care: many providers have lost the ability to deliver breech presenting babies. We've lost the basic knowledge of how to build fires and keep them banked for the night so that we don't freeze in our sleep... Many of us have lost the ability to hunt, or if we do hunt we don't do it without a gun or pre-made, specialized bow. Moral of the story: you have stories, don't let them die with you. Tell them to someone who will pass them on or write them in a journal. We don't necessarily need to pass on our Facebook and Instagram accounts, but pass on the deep, meaningful and very real occurrences, both happy and sad, that occur in your life.
Sunday, February 14, 2016
I Ignored the Call
He called me tonight. Exfiance called me. He left texts asking me to call him back but I ignored them all and called my brother and then my mom. It's Valentine's Day for goodness sake! Why can he not just leave me alone?!?
Main point is: I ignored the call.
It was hard. Believe it or not, it was probably one of the hardest things I've had to do so far.
My brother didn't answer right away when I called him, but my mom did. She told me to text exfiance and tell him to stop contacting me. During that conversation, Brother called me and I told Brother everything was fine but that exfiance had tried to call me. He offered to come spend the night at my house to protect me, but that he wouldn't be here for a few hours because he needed to go to the gym before he came over. Well, okay, we'll see. I'm fine right now, but I may end up calling him to have him come over.
The cops are on speed dial and only a click away right now though, just in case exfiance tries to come over tonight. He answered my "don't text me anymore because I'll get a restraining order" text with saying that he "couldn't believe I was being like this and he just wanted to tell me something."
Well, then just fucking say it! Tell me over fucking text without me having to ask a billion and five questions! Leave a fucking voicemail and let me know what this "important" information you have for me is! Besides that, leave me the fuck alone!!! Just STOP!!!!! Let me have a little bit of peace.
He doesn't know I'm going to the cops soon. He doesn't know that my story will be a part of a case and his name will be all over it. He doesn't know that maybe, just maybe, this will be the final straw that finally puts him in prison where he cannot get out for awhile. L-rd, let me get into contact with the other girls so that maybe we an have a solid case against him! Please, oh L-rd, let this prayer be heard and answered with miracles.
I was already struggling today. I spent about an hour on the phone with my mom recalling that this is about the time that exboyfriend started controlling me and talked me into kissing him after about a month of trying to guilt me into it. He had recently told me that he had been talking to me and exroommate's cousin about dating both of us but he liked me better so cut ties with her unexpectedly. Sure, that left him with no major problems, but it filled my life with drama because I had become friends with the cousin and it was my roommate's family that he messed up. He ruined so many relationships for me because of talking to both of us, and leading us both on at the same time. Between him and exroommate's mom, they ruined my life. I had no idea the events that transpired about this time last year would lead to the hardest point in my life.
Who knew I would regret waking up each morning because I met him? Because I met her? Who knew I would wish to have amnesia just so I wouldn't be haunted by the ever-present memory of his actions that night and the next day? Who knew I would wish to have been taken from this world years ago so that I could have been able to die pure instead of so messed up that I'm not even hamburger meat anymore?
Who knew it could even get worse? That it could get so much worse that I start to remember the terrible first relationship as something I would rather be in (with exboyfriend), instead of ever living through the second (with exfiance)?
It makes no sense as to why this is my life. I don't understand why these are my burdens to bear and why I am forced to suffer in this death sentence. Let's be real, none of us are getting out alive. But why is this my path in life? What did I do to deserve this? Would it not be more kind to just put me out of my misery and let me die? Why make me continue on and fight this impossible, never-ending fight for life?
He called tonight. I panicked. Despite the panic, I did not answer. However, my mind will not be quieted tonight. Every sound, every creak, everything I hear will be met with my startle response.
This is part of my burden.
This is a part of my pain.
It will not end.
This is my life from now on.
Main point is: I ignored the call.
It was hard. Believe it or not, it was probably one of the hardest things I've had to do so far.
My brother didn't answer right away when I called him, but my mom did. She told me to text exfiance and tell him to stop contacting me. During that conversation, Brother called me and I told Brother everything was fine but that exfiance had tried to call me. He offered to come spend the night at my house to protect me, but that he wouldn't be here for a few hours because he needed to go to the gym before he came over. Well, okay, we'll see. I'm fine right now, but I may end up calling him to have him come over.
The cops are on speed dial and only a click away right now though, just in case exfiance tries to come over tonight. He answered my "don't text me anymore because I'll get a restraining order" text with saying that he "couldn't believe I was being like this and he just wanted to tell me something."
Well, then just fucking say it! Tell me over fucking text without me having to ask a billion and five questions! Leave a fucking voicemail and let me know what this "important" information you have for me is! Besides that, leave me the fuck alone!!! Just STOP!!!!! Let me have a little bit of peace.
He doesn't know I'm going to the cops soon. He doesn't know that my story will be a part of a case and his name will be all over it. He doesn't know that maybe, just maybe, this will be the final straw that finally puts him in prison where he cannot get out for awhile. L-rd, let me get into contact with the other girls so that maybe we an have a solid case against him! Please, oh L-rd, let this prayer be heard and answered with miracles.
I was already struggling today. I spent about an hour on the phone with my mom recalling that this is about the time that exboyfriend started controlling me and talked me into kissing him after about a month of trying to guilt me into it. He had recently told me that he had been talking to me and exroommate's cousin about dating both of us but he liked me better so cut ties with her unexpectedly. Sure, that left him with no major problems, but it filled my life with drama because I had become friends with the cousin and it was my roommate's family that he messed up. He ruined so many relationships for me because of talking to both of us, and leading us both on at the same time. Between him and exroommate's mom, they ruined my life. I had no idea the events that transpired about this time last year would lead to the hardest point in my life.
Who knew I would regret waking up each morning because I met him? Because I met her? Who knew I would wish to have amnesia just so I wouldn't be haunted by the ever-present memory of his actions that night and the next day? Who knew I would wish to have been taken from this world years ago so that I could have been able to die pure instead of so messed up that I'm not even hamburger meat anymore?
Who knew it could even get worse? That it could get so much worse that I start to remember the terrible first relationship as something I would rather be in (with exboyfriend), instead of ever living through the second (with exfiance)?
It makes no sense as to why this is my life. I don't understand why these are my burdens to bear and why I am forced to suffer in this death sentence. Let's be real, none of us are getting out alive. But why is this my path in life? What did I do to deserve this? Would it not be more kind to just put me out of my misery and let me die? Why make me continue on and fight this impossible, never-ending fight for life?
He called tonight. I panicked. Despite the panic, I did not answer. However, my mind will not be quieted tonight. Every sound, every creak, everything I hear will be met with my startle response.
This is part of my burden.
This is a part of my pain.
It will not end.
This is my life from now on.
Sunday, December 6, 2015
Wedding of a Friend
A friend of mine got married today to a really sweet girl. He is from my Messianic Congregation and I don't know how he met her, but she's been attending the congregation for awhile now too.
I truly hope they have a great life and I pray that their marriage is blessed.
With all the well wishes, I can't help but grieve the dreams of mine that were dashed. Little did I know my life would change so drastically in a year. It was New Year's Day at about 0100 in the morning that I met exboyfriend. I didn't know he would take my first kiss. I didn't know that my world would be shattered. I didn't know that my dreams of any type of a Happily Ever After would go up in flames just a few short months later.
I truly do try to be happy for my friends who get to live in their happy little fairy tales while I am getting beat to death by the reality of the turn my life took because a guy that I was introduced to along the way refused to keep his hands and other appendages to himself. I thought it was bad watching friends get married when I was single. This is so much worse.
I don't believe in fairy tale endings. I am a very grounded person and I have no illusions that married life will be unicorns and rainbows like many of my friends tend to believe. So, why then was this the path that I have to walk? Why is it that I was given this burden? Why is my dream of a simple life burnt to the ground when all I've ever tried to do is be kind and try to follow the L-rd.
I'm slipping from Him lately. It's hard to see His light at the end of the tunnel when there are so many goblins and trolls along my journey to get to Him.
I miss who I used to be. I wish I would have never met him and I wish my life was the way it was a year ago. If it was, I know I could survive. Right now, it's dicey to know if I'll wake up in the morning or not.
I truly hope they have a great life and I pray that their marriage is blessed.
With all the well wishes, I can't help but grieve the dreams of mine that were dashed. Little did I know my life would change so drastically in a year. It was New Year's Day at about 0100 in the morning that I met exboyfriend. I didn't know he would take my first kiss. I didn't know that my world would be shattered. I didn't know that my dreams of any type of a Happily Ever After would go up in flames just a few short months later.
I truly do try to be happy for my friends who get to live in their happy little fairy tales while I am getting beat to death by the reality of the turn my life took because a guy that I was introduced to along the way refused to keep his hands and other appendages to himself. I thought it was bad watching friends get married when I was single. This is so much worse.
I don't believe in fairy tale endings. I am a very grounded person and I have no illusions that married life will be unicorns and rainbows like many of my friends tend to believe. So, why then was this the path that I have to walk? Why is it that I was given this burden? Why is my dream of a simple life burnt to the ground when all I've ever tried to do is be kind and try to follow the L-rd.
I'm slipping from Him lately. It's hard to see His light at the end of the tunnel when there are so many goblins and trolls along my journey to get to Him.
I miss who I used to be. I wish I would have never met him and I wish my life was the way it was a year ago. If it was, I know I could survive. Right now, it's dicey to know if I'll wake up in the morning or not.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Lying is the Easy Part
"Are you okay" - Beauty (I have talked about her before but she just now got a nickname. She's my super pretty friend from freshman year dorms who made it into nursing school with me.)
"Ya." - Me when I'm really thinking no.
My weekend went fine. On Friday I visited my old neighborhood and all my neighbors were hanging out watching football. They asked what my boyfriend's name was (just wondering if I had one) and I told them I tried having a bf for a little bit but decided that was a bad idea (in a joking manner). I was psycho-analyzed Saturday at shul then visited my Brother. He pretty much pointed out I am probably going to turn out to be a cat-lady which sucks because I'm allergic to cats so they would likely suffocate me in my sleep. Sunday went by without a hitch until I had to go to work. They called me off then called back 20 minutes later with a "Just kidding! We just decided we need you." Fan-frickin-tastic, I have a test tomorrow I need to study for!!! I hardly got a break all night. The first four hours consisted of me keeping an Alzheimer's patient from escaping and the nurses (he had 2 because 1 was training for the floor but was already an established nurse) waited until the charge nurse had to call security on the patient because he was getting aggressive. After they got him some Ativan I was floated to another floor to watch 4 patients. They were more or less spazzing out, having panic attacks, and asking for sleeping meds repeatedly from different staff members because the nurse had already exhausted his meds.
From that crazy night I went home, changed, then headed to school for a test. I thought I did okay until we took a group test so that we could see how we did and get a couple extra points towards our test grade. After we did that I figured out that I pretty much failed the test...
After class my friends dragged me to lunch at a place downtown because we had been planning to go out and catch up before I had been having a bad day. The food was okay but the conversation got weird because they asked about each other's relationships and then asked me how my roommate was "because that's the relationship I'm in right now". Their words, not mine. Good news, Beauty is planning her post-grad life with her boyfriend and likely soon-to-be fiance. Big Red is fixin' to get engaged once her boyfriend sells his motorcycle. Everybody's lives are moving on and people have such big plans and it's plain to see that I don't. I don't have a relationship, exciting life plans, or any other noteworthy conversational pieces to share. That's normal for me and I can typically cope with that until it's pointed out hundreds of times in a weekend by all the people I love.
So, when Beauty asked me if I was okay yesterday after lunch and today during class I said I was. I wanted to tell her no. I wanted to tell her that my depression is getting deeper and deeper. I want to explain what is going on in my head and the pain in my heart and the fact that life is such a struggle for me right now. I wanted to tell her, but she wouldn't understand. Therefore, it's simply easier to lie.
"Ya." - Me when I'm really thinking no.
My weekend went fine. On Friday I visited my old neighborhood and all my neighbors were hanging out watching football. They asked what my boyfriend's name was (just wondering if I had one) and I told them I tried having a bf for a little bit but decided that was a bad idea (in a joking manner). I was psycho-analyzed Saturday at shul then visited my Brother. He pretty much pointed out I am probably going to turn out to be a cat-lady which sucks because I'm allergic to cats so they would likely suffocate me in my sleep. Sunday went by without a hitch until I had to go to work. They called me off then called back 20 minutes later with a "Just kidding! We just decided we need you." Fan-frickin-tastic, I have a test tomorrow I need to study for!!! I hardly got a break all night. The first four hours consisted of me keeping an Alzheimer's patient from escaping and the nurses (he had 2 because 1 was training for the floor but was already an established nurse) waited until the charge nurse had to call security on the patient because he was getting aggressive. After they got him some Ativan I was floated to another floor to watch 4 patients. They were more or less spazzing out, having panic attacks, and asking for sleeping meds repeatedly from different staff members because the nurse had already exhausted his meds.
From that crazy night I went home, changed, then headed to school for a test. I thought I did okay until we took a group test so that we could see how we did and get a couple extra points towards our test grade. After we did that I figured out that I pretty much failed the test...
After class my friends dragged me to lunch at a place downtown because we had been planning to go out and catch up before I had been having a bad day. The food was okay but the conversation got weird because they asked about each other's relationships and then asked me how my roommate was "because that's the relationship I'm in right now". Their words, not mine. Good news, Beauty is planning her post-grad life with her boyfriend and likely soon-to-be fiance. Big Red is fixin' to get engaged once her boyfriend sells his motorcycle. Everybody's lives are moving on and people have such big plans and it's plain to see that I don't. I don't have a relationship, exciting life plans, or any other noteworthy conversational pieces to share. That's normal for me and I can typically cope with that until it's pointed out hundreds of times in a weekend by all the people I love.
So, when Beauty asked me if I was okay yesterday after lunch and today during class I said I was. I wanted to tell her no. I wanted to tell her that my depression is getting deeper and deeper. I want to explain what is going on in my head and the pain in my heart and the fact that life is such a struggle for me right now. I wanted to tell her, but she wouldn't understand. Therefore, it's simply easier to lie.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Heavy Heart and An Empty Room
Brother moved out yesterday after we got in a huge fight. I knew he was moving out, thus the reason for me packing the night before, but he came back yesterday to begin collecting all of his things and we just had it out. The yelling match only lasted for about 15 minutes until he concluded that he, "just couldn't handle this anymore." He proceeded to slam the door in my face and take a shower. At that point I hopped in my car and drove the hour and a half back to Home-base. I waited for my mom to get home from shul and we just talked for about 6 hours. Praise the L-rd that I live so close to home but not close enough to be there every night.
Guys, I cried that entire car ride. Let me tell you, when you are angry and bawling, it's really hard to see how fast you're going. Thankfully G-d was watching out for me and didn't let me get a ticket but I was going about 90 mph at one point in a 65-75 mph zone.
It feels like I lost my brother though. That is what hurts the most. When we were little kids, we fought, but it was just little things. You know, my brother would poke me so I would scream at him. He would like a girl so I would tease him until he punched me... Normal sibling stuff. Now, it takes nothing for us to be in a room and go from laughing to yelling. Just the most random little things set either of us off. He got really aggressive ever since his testosterone hit full gear and his voice dropped. I was informed by my mom that a few years ago I started to get weepy and I was able to be set off a lot easier. I'm thinking that's when all of my estrogen's decided to take over. Stupid hormones. I am praying that this is only a phase and that we can be pals again like we used to but right now I'm not seeing the light.
Tonight, my brother's room is completely empty and my heart is following with emptiness and this deep deep longing for him to come back. I fear for his safety living with boys who are drinking and partying almost every night. They skip class and think it's funny to fail classes. Some of them are sleeping around with random girls and doing "recreational" drugs. Depending on who you ask, cocaine could be a "recreational drug." I don't even know where he lives because I don't want to go meet his roommates and he doesn't even really want me to know where he lives.
Why does it feel like my life is falling apart? This blog was supposed to be about the funny things that happen or good-to-know tips about nursing school and college life. Instead, I just come here to complain and pour out my heart.
Guys, I cried that entire car ride. Let me tell you, when you are angry and bawling, it's really hard to see how fast you're going. Thankfully G-d was watching out for me and didn't let me get a ticket but I was going about 90 mph at one point in a 65-75 mph zone.
It feels like I lost my brother though. That is what hurts the most. When we were little kids, we fought, but it was just little things. You know, my brother would poke me so I would scream at him. He would like a girl so I would tease him until he punched me... Normal sibling stuff. Now, it takes nothing for us to be in a room and go from laughing to yelling. Just the most random little things set either of us off. He got really aggressive ever since his testosterone hit full gear and his voice dropped. I was informed by my mom that a few years ago I started to get weepy and I was able to be set off a lot easier. I'm thinking that's when all of my estrogen's decided to take over. Stupid hormones. I am praying that this is only a phase and that we can be pals again like we used to but right now I'm not seeing the light.
Tonight, my brother's room is completely empty and my heart is following with emptiness and this deep deep longing for him to come back. I fear for his safety living with boys who are drinking and partying almost every night. They skip class and think it's funny to fail classes. Some of them are sleeping around with random girls and doing "recreational" drugs. Depending on who you ask, cocaine could be a "recreational drug." I don't even know where he lives because I don't want to go meet his roommates and he doesn't even really want me to know where he lives.
Why does it feel like my life is falling apart? This blog was supposed to be about the funny things that happen or good-to-know tips about nursing school and college life. Instead, I just come here to complain and pour out my heart.
Friday, May 9, 2014
I've been laughing all afternoon...
My brother is moving out tomorrow... well, he moves out officially tomorrow, he's already staying there tonight. Not really a huge deal, he warned me a number of months ago. He is breaking our agreement for the lease but that's another story.
So, he brought a buddy over to help him load his mattress today. We sat around talking for a little bit, loaded the mattress, not a big deal. At the end of their visit, our conversation stumbles across a path I did not know existed. My brother mentioned that he was moving out because I kicked him out. I did not recall ever doing such a thing which made him really defensive. "You kicked me out!" I asked him what I said and when. He was unable to answer that question and just kept replying that I kicked him out. He didn't say how or when or anything else besides he is moving out because I forced him to leave. I am thinking that he told that story to all of his friends and got mad because I called him out on it in front of another friend. They both proceeded to leave and left me all alone.
I was super mad. Like, super beyond angry. I don't know that I've ever been so mad at him or at a certain set of circumstances. So, I decided to be "productive." I pulled a Miranda Lambert (reference "Baggage Claim" and "Gunpowder and Lead" and really many of her songs to get an idea of what I was acting like). I started packing all of his stuff. Sure, he'll probably be mad and shocked tomorrow but hey, you want to tell people I'm kicking you out? Then fine! I will make sure that your belongings are ready to go first thing in the morning and you can leave me behind in a cloud of dust to figure out this mess you have now left me in. Now I have to find a roommate and pay YOUR rent that you agreed to pay when I signed the lease (because you were a minor at the time) but are now skipping out on. He said he would help with his part of the rent until the lease is up but I don't see that happening.
Needless to say, I went a little nuts. However, I finally understand why women (people) throw all of the boyfriend's/husband's things on the front lawn when they do something soooooooo stupid that it warrants them getting kicked out of their own house. I came pretty close to that myself but G-d didn't let me remember that people do that while I still had the energy to do anything. So, it's all just piled up in the living room.
I didn't even need a gun because sometimes that isn't as effective as going insane on someone and letting them sort through their own feelings. Just don't do us wrong though because we love with all that we are but when you cross us... Boy howdy you better be getting ready for WAR. I love him but this just took it too far. I feel like I have turned 73 cheeks to him to keep getting slapped. I think I have forgiven him and helped him even when he has done me wrong (thought I probably haven't done it right). But I am not going to be a doormat that he can use as the butt of every joke with his friends. I won't take his rumors quietly.What's more is that he wants me to meet his friends. That was before he informed me that he has been spreading rumors so that I now seem like some terrible, awful, evil, mean sister. I ain't meeting his friends just so that they can have dinner conversation about how I seem compared with Brother's account of me. That just ain't gonna happen!
The struggles of college and siblings...
More on the roommate front later. Actually, I hope to inform y'all about it tomorrow.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Never thought this day would come...
No I'm not talking about getting married, having kids, or any number of "normal" things that would fit under this category. I'm talking about getting to be a mentor.
Today, I was called up by a dear family friend. We helped develop a church together, and my mom has been her hairstylist for probably over a decade. Anyway, she called today, asking me to give her daughter advice. I am so honored that she would think of me to speak into her child's life. I have had people speak into my life before and it can be powerful, either good or bad. To be asked to advise somebody's baby (okay, she's 14, but everybody is somebody's baby) is a huge responsibility. Plus, she knows just about everybody in the world because she is so kind, she could have asked anyone. Instead, she called me even though my family left the church we attended together close to 4 years ago.
This whole thing has got me thinking about what I should say to her daughter, and what I should be speaking over my friends, family, and the children I babysit. Of course, it isn't the same for everybody, but it reminds me of the song, "The Words I Would Say," by Sidewalk Prophets. It's chorus goes:
Be strong in the Lord and
never give up hope.
You're gonna do great things
I already know
God's got his hand on you so
don't live life in fear
forgive and forget
but don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say
These words are so true! Folks, we need to be encouraging and lifting up our brothers and sisters in the Messiah. Speak life over each other instead of gossiping behind their back. Pray over each other so that we may be strengthened. Let's face it, life is tough. Since life is tough, we need to build each other up in all ways and cease the process of tearing others down, whether they are believers or not. Only then can we all stand strong and really reach the poor and hurting.
My challenge for you all: pray about someone in your life who may be struggling. If the L-rd lays someone on your heart, even if they normally seem happy or strong face-to-face, talk to them. Ask them if you can pray with them for anything. Encourage opening up the conversation and share your heart. Let them know of some of your struggles so that they will be comfortable opening up to you about theirs.
The lady that called me did that for me when my family lost our house. It was really rough on me. Not only had we lost our house, but we left the church we had been at for 10+ years, we were helping start a new church, and nothing was going right. One day, as we were working at the new church, she asked me how I was. I said I was doing fine. She looked into my eyes and asked me, "How are you really?" Just thinking about it makes me start to tear up and I don't cry a whole lot. Knowing that she new my struggles and knowing that she didn't want the down-pat "church" answer touched me. She could see past my business face and the strength that I hide behind to know that I was crumbling. To this day I don't think she knows how much that moment has meant to me. During that short conversation, I felt like I belonged. I have never, ever felt that way. Here I go with the waterworks... Still to this day I don't feel like I belong anywhere, but I can remember what it felt like to have a true sister in the L-rd be able to see past my facade into my world of hurt and actually care. I know people care, but they usually just take the, "I'm fine," response and go on with their business. She didn't. G-d helped to pull me through one of my bad days of depression through her and her sincerity. So, we need to do that for each other.
Stand with me and start asking people how they are doing. Don't just ask them just to receive the normal, easy response. Look at them and ask again, "How are you really doing?" It's hard to keep it from sounding like you're being sarcastic, but practice and pray about it.
Today, I was called up by a dear family friend. We helped develop a church together, and my mom has been her hairstylist for probably over a decade. Anyway, she called today, asking me to give her daughter advice. I am so honored that she would think of me to speak into her child's life. I have had people speak into my life before and it can be powerful, either good or bad. To be asked to advise somebody's baby (okay, she's 14, but everybody is somebody's baby) is a huge responsibility. Plus, she knows just about everybody in the world because she is so kind, she could have asked anyone. Instead, she called me even though my family left the church we attended together close to 4 years ago.
This whole thing has got me thinking about what I should say to her daughter, and what I should be speaking over my friends, family, and the children I babysit. Of course, it isn't the same for everybody, but it reminds me of the song, "The Words I Would Say," by Sidewalk Prophets. It's chorus goes:
Be strong in the Lord and
never give up hope.
You're gonna do great things
I already know
God's got his hand on you so
don't live life in fear
forgive and forget
but don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say
These words are so true! Folks, we need to be encouraging and lifting up our brothers and sisters in the Messiah. Speak life over each other instead of gossiping behind their back. Pray over each other so that we may be strengthened. Let's face it, life is tough. Since life is tough, we need to build each other up in all ways and cease the process of tearing others down, whether they are believers or not. Only then can we all stand strong and really reach the poor and hurting.
My challenge for you all: pray about someone in your life who may be struggling. If the L-rd lays someone on your heart, even if they normally seem happy or strong face-to-face, talk to them. Ask them if you can pray with them for anything. Encourage opening up the conversation and share your heart. Let them know of some of your struggles so that they will be comfortable opening up to you about theirs.
The lady that called me did that for me when my family lost our house. It was really rough on me. Not only had we lost our house, but we left the church we had been at for 10+ years, we were helping start a new church, and nothing was going right. One day, as we were working at the new church, she asked me how I was. I said I was doing fine. She looked into my eyes and asked me, "How are you really?" Just thinking about it makes me start to tear up and I don't cry a whole lot. Knowing that she new my struggles and knowing that she didn't want the down-pat "church" answer touched me. She could see past my business face and the strength that I hide behind to know that I was crumbling. To this day I don't think she knows how much that moment has meant to me. During that short conversation, I felt like I belonged. I have never, ever felt that way. Here I go with the waterworks... Still to this day I don't feel like I belong anywhere, but I can remember what it felt like to have a true sister in the L-rd be able to see past my facade into my world of hurt and actually care. I know people care, but they usually just take the, "I'm fine," response and go on with their business. She didn't. G-d helped to pull me through one of my bad days of depression through her and her sincerity. So, we need to do that for each other.
Stand with me and start asking people how they are doing. Don't just ask them just to receive the normal, easy response. Look at them and ask again, "How are you really doing?" It's hard to keep it from sounding like you're being sarcastic, but practice and pray about it.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Minor Shock
I just ordered textbooks for the nursing program and it came out to over $1100! I almost had a heart attack and I'm still in shock. Why is this so expensive? It would be nice if all of the nursing students got together and one class of students bought all the books then they passed them down to incoming students for a small fee. When the books are deemed "outdated" by the school then the students who actually own them can sell them on amazon or something because there is always someone using those books. Let's beat the system people! I am going to find someone in the incoming class to use my book next year and I will charge them maybe $50 to use the whole lot of them and then they will give them back at the end of the year so I can find another person to use them the next year. I will do this all 3 years and make just a tiny bit of money but it will save so much money for the other people! Co-op folks! We're all being forced into this ridiculous system of buying overpriced books anyway so let's work with each other and find a way around their ridiculous prices.
Sorry I'm getting so worked up, I don't like spending so much money on anything let alone silly books that would have been cheaper if I didn't have to buy from the bookstore just so that I can use my student account instead of my credit card (which is pretty much maxed out all the time now). Plus I am frustrated with other life circumstances right now that I cannot talk about right now. I called my mom last night to talk with her, but she had to go. She promised to call back but she must have fallen asleep.
In happier news, I bought some new music when I finally got my paycheck and I love it! Addison Road is one of my favorite bands and I just got both of their albums on amazon. Definitely check them out. Stories, This Could Be Our Day, and so many other songs have been on repeat for the past few days. I found them on Pandora and I couldn't be happier with the purchase to finally have their music for myself.
Daily Thanksgiving: My coffee date went well yesterday and my friend brought to my attention some interesting things about my country boy's situation. She is so honest and doesn't beat around the bush. It's hard to hear sometimes, but she is good for me, I think. She brings a new perspective to my struggles and isn't afraid to hurt my feelings or offend me. I got to talk to my mom. I was pretty productive yesterday and still had time to relax and watch my shows. I get to volunteer tonight and I found out how to volunteer to go hold babies!!!
Sorry I'm getting so worked up, I don't like spending so much money on anything let alone silly books that would have been cheaper if I didn't have to buy from the bookstore just so that I can use my student account instead of my credit card (which is pretty much maxed out all the time now). Plus I am frustrated with other life circumstances right now that I cannot talk about right now. I called my mom last night to talk with her, but she had to go. She promised to call back but she must have fallen asleep.
In happier news, I bought some new music when I finally got my paycheck and I love it! Addison Road is one of my favorite bands and I just got both of their albums on amazon. Definitely check them out. Stories, This Could Be Our Day, and so many other songs have been on repeat for the past few days. I found them on Pandora and I couldn't be happier with the purchase to finally have their music for myself.
Daily Thanksgiving: My coffee date went well yesterday and my friend brought to my attention some interesting things about my country boy's situation. She is so honest and doesn't beat around the bush. It's hard to hear sometimes, but she is good for me, I think. She brings a new perspective to my struggles and isn't afraid to hurt my feelings or offend me. I got to talk to my mom. I was pretty productive yesterday and still had time to relax and watch my shows. I get to volunteer tonight and I found out how to volunteer to go hold babies!!!
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