Lab Results

So, I went to the doctor... eh, I chose a nurse practitioner in the same group as my doctor because I wasn't quite ready to see my doctor (a dude) and explain my crap to a guy. So, I explained to her, and the student she had with her, a small part of my past, in very gentle wording. Mostly, I only told her that I have a history of trauma. She was so sweet and understanding!

She offered to let me wait for the pap smear, in case that was too triggering, because I told her that I was having flashbacks to my SANE exam. But I went ahead and did it, just to get it all over with, and asked her to talk to me like I'm a student. We had giggles through the exam as she explained it hilariously and was so kind and gentle. Seriously, this woman was absolutely amazing and I was absolutely put at ease and it was very therapeutic.

I also told her I needed to probably get my labs done to see if I got any diseases from the two ding-bats that couldn't keep certain members to themselves. I also asked that my results be put in an envelope and that I NOT be called if they were positive, until I could go to counseling and read over the results.

The whole staff was so understanding about it! I had to call the billing guy, but he was so sweet and easy going about it. I went back the next day, after they were in, and got the envelope and took it straight to my counselor.

I cried the entire way from the doctor's office to my counselor's office... I had been psyching myself up and having "symptoms" all week. I was just sure I was going to have positive results showing that I had diseases.

Well, my counselor saw the envelope in my hand and asked if those were it. I handed it over and she said "okay, let's just get this over with quick!" (She was very kind about it and just wanted me to not fret about it anymore.

So, she read over the results, had to interpret the lab results (because they kept them in medical terms instead of layman's terms (so silly, good thing I'm a nurse!). And she read it, disease by disease to me...

Every thing was negative. *huge sigh of relief*

Then I started crying again and couldn't stop. They were tears of relief, and gratitude, and my stress and lost sleep over the past 2.5 years were all in vain and I am so very grateful. I know that for many who are victims of assault and abuse, that is not the case. It fills me with rage and disgust that certain people go around spreading incurable diseases with little to no remorse and they spread such diseases via force.

Anyway, I digress.

Blessings guys,
BA

Ridiculously Stupid Cycle

Guys, I'm freaking out today. I was doing okay for the first time a couple days ago and now I'm headed back into the sad part of my cycle. I'm freaking out because I'm terrified I have an STD.

I know, I shouldn't be worrying and then refuse to go get tested. Thing is, I didn't want the contact that spreads STDs. It wasn't my choice. I could choose for the guys to have protection. I didn't choose any of it. That makes me angry. If I had a choice in any part of the matter at all, then I wouldn't be in this predicament.

I'm angry because I didn't get a choice. I'm angry because if I do have one, then I feel like my life is over because I don't want a husband to get it, if I have anything, and I damn sure don't want kids to get it. So then marriage and children are out of the picture for me.

That was my nightmare last night. That I had an STD.

I know I should go get tested but I'm terrified that it will be the end of my life and dreams.



I'm hoping I can just get to counseling tomorrow. I look forward to having it twice a week because I'm not doing well going so far out between sessions. I feel better the first few days and then I start sinking again about mid-way through the week once it gets to about Thursday or Friday and then my weekends are shit.

On a positive note, I got a snow day today. I really needed it. I'm just hoping I get to start clinicals tomorrow because it'll be the first day of OB clinicals and I'm on the Mom/Baby floor. Yay!

Labs Came Back

Do y'all remember how I told you I got my blood drawn (twice) when I went to the nurse practitioner (NP) the other day? They finally called back and told me everything was normal. That means:

I have no STD's... DUH!!! I pretty much told the NP that but she didn't believe me.
My thyroid is okay.
They said nothing about me being anemic but I would like copies of all my labs so that I can look over my CBC and whatever else she ordered for myself. Yay for nursing school teaching me what labs mean!

Meanwhile, we have no leads of what is wrong with me so I am going to an ultrasound tomorrow afternoon, after clinicals, to see if they can find anything.

I might inform you guys of my symptoms at a later date but I've only told my mom, NP, and one friend who we share darn near everything with each other and normally I wouldn't even tell my mom let alone anyone else! I'm just that private, sorry. However, I am working on sharing more with more people. I will tell you, however, I am legitimately concerned I have cancer because we had a family friend who had many of the same symptoms and she had breast cancer. I have no lumps, but I'm still very concerned.

I told Boyfriend, before I went to the NP, that I thought I had cancer and he just laughed and hugged me. Awww! I think he'll do just fine and I actually felt comforted. My mom had already received the call of me crying without her knowing it, though, about a week or two before I told him because I really wasn't going to tell him unless they found something. There must be something wrong with my filter though, because it just spilled out. I didn't tell him why I was going, but just that I thought I had cancer. He's great, and getting even better, at talking me down from freaking out.