So, I went to the doctor... eh, I chose a nurse practitioner in the same group as my doctor because I wasn't quite ready to see my doctor (a dude) and explain my crap to a guy. So, I explained to her, and the student she had with her, a small part of my past, in very gentle wording. Mostly, I only told her that I have a history of trauma. She was so sweet and understanding!
She offered to let me wait for the pap smear, in case that was too triggering, because I told her that I was having flashbacks to my SANE exam. But I went ahead and did it, just to get it all over with, and asked her to talk to me like I'm a student. We had giggles through the exam as she explained it hilariously and was so kind and gentle. Seriously, this woman was absolutely amazing and I was absolutely put at ease and it was very therapeutic.
I also told her I needed to probably get my labs done to see if I got any diseases from the two ding-bats that couldn't keep certain members to themselves. I also asked that my results be put in an envelope and that I NOT be called if they were positive, until I could go to counseling and read over the results.
The whole staff was so understanding about it! I had to call the billing guy, but he was so sweet and easy going about it. I went back the next day, after they were in, and got the envelope and took it straight to my counselor.
I cried the entire way from the doctor's office to my counselor's office... I had been psyching myself up and having "symptoms" all week. I was just sure I was going to have positive results showing that I had diseases.
Well, my counselor saw the envelope in my hand and asked if those were it. I handed it over and she said "okay, let's just get this over with quick!" (She was very kind about it and just wanted me to not fret about it anymore.
So, she read over the results, had to interpret the lab results (because they kept them in medical terms instead of layman's terms (so silly, good thing I'm a nurse!). And she read it, disease by disease to me...
Every thing was negative. *huge sigh of relief*
Then I started crying again and couldn't stop. They were tears of relief, and gratitude, and my stress and lost sleep over the past 2.5 years were all in vain and I am so very grateful. I know that for many who are victims of assault and abuse, that is not the case. It fills me with rage and disgust that certain people go around spreading incurable diseases with little to no remorse and they spread such diseases via force.
Anyway, I digress.
Blessings guys,
BA
Showing posts with label anxious. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxious. Show all posts
Saturday, November 18, 2017
Saturday, June 10, 2017
LIfe in Slow Motion
I had that follow up skype peer review interview thing... it went okay. It was the same questions, same lady from the first interview, just add in one of the floor nurses. Like, really? Plus, I sat on my end of the skype call for 20 minutes before the interview started because I was told to connect 10 minutes early and it took awhile for them to connect. Minor irk, I'll be fine.
It seems to me, however, that once I start interviewing with one hospital in the system, that it suddenly shuts me down for any of the other hospitals in that system. I have interviewed in College Town, which then made the recruiter from Home Town (in the same system but different recruiter/hospital) not contact me anymore. That's ridiculous! The recruiter for the paper charting hospital at least talked to me about location, but I need to go ahead and call her back and ask her to get me more interviews at higher acuity places.
This whole process is absolutely ridiculous and they take frickin forever to get back to you with anything. Application -> recruiter call? 1.5 weeks. Recruiter call -> interview? 1.5-2 weeks... Interview -> job offer??? Uh, probably never!!!
Grandpa is doing okay. Major family drama went down because one of his sisters (he's one of 10 kids...) came to visit him. His family hates grandma... ummm, lots of people do but that's a different story. Anyway, his sister had tried to call him for 2 weeks to let him know she was coming into town. However, when grandpa went into the hospital with confusion, where we learned of his cancer, grandma stole his phone and routed all of his calls to her phone so that nobody would get to talk to him. Why? Because grandma is mean. Don't take this lightly. She has narcissistic personality disorder and she's got the meanest, evilest version of it. She does things just to try to kill people slowly and try to torture them until they give in and keel over dead. I kid you not. (More storied about her in another post. She takes too long to talk about and I've got loads of crazy stories on her just from this last week.)
Anyway, this particular sister of grandpa's will tell her off! Haha, so funny. BUT I MISSED ALL OF IT! Anywho, since grandpa wasn't getting any calls and they were all sent straight to grandma's phone, my great aunt ended up strolling into the house unannounced. My mom said that my grandma's jaw dropped to the floor! AND I MISSED IT ALL!!! Damn it!
Regardless, grandpa is losing a bunch of weight, not drinking enough, not eating, and my grandma just keeps him from having food by telling him he doesn't need to be eating. Poor guy. I just wish he could have time alone from her! Just let him live with me!!!
Work is okay. I finally have an end date. With that came a call from HR in the middle of my nap. Ugh, I answered a call from the hospital, while mostly asleep, to hear a very loud, overly cheering lady essentially passively aggressively yelling at me for breaking my 2 year contract. She kept reiterating that I signed on for 2 years, so the hospital gave me $3500. I kid you not, she probably told me that it was $3500 like 8 times in 2 minutes. Yes, I know what I signed on for! She was being really rude, while trying to sound nice, all the way up until I told her I have to leave because my grandpa is sick. She sounded slightly sorry and then had to start fumbling around for words. Long story short, she asked how I wanted to pay it back. I told her to go ahead and have accounting call me and we can talk about it. They haven't called, or maybe they did and didn't leave a message. You would think that a hospital, that has half of their employees working night shift, would understand that they need to not call in the middle of the day and that they should leave a message if they want to get any business done. This hospital is severely pissing me off. Whatever, I'm leaving, it'll be okay eventually.
I can see the L-rd working, but I'm only seeing the surface. I want to see the behind-the-scenes takes. I want to see how this all plays out and how everything gets worked out. *sigh* Tis not the way G-d works. Yay for faith building... I know it's a good thing, it's just that growing pains are painful and there's no Tylenol for spiritual "discomfort".
It seems to me, however, that once I start interviewing with one hospital in the system, that it suddenly shuts me down for any of the other hospitals in that system. I have interviewed in College Town, which then made the recruiter from Home Town (in the same system but different recruiter/hospital) not contact me anymore. That's ridiculous! The recruiter for the paper charting hospital at least talked to me about location, but I need to go ahead and call her back and ask her to get me more interviews at higher acuity places.
This whole process is absolutely ridiculous and they take frickin forever to get back to you with anything. Application -> recruiter call? 1.5 weeks. Recruiter call -> interview? 1.5-2 weeks... Interview -> job offer??? Uh, probably never!!!
Grandpa is doing okay. Major family drama went down because one of his sisters (he's one of 10 kids...) came to visit him. His family hates grandma... ummm, lots of people do but that's a different story. Anyway, his sister had tried to call him for 2 weeks to let him know she was coming into town. However, when grandpa went into the hospital with confusion, where we learned of his cancer, grandma stole his phone and routed all of his calls to her phone so that nobody would get to talk to him. Why? Because grandma is mean. Don't take this lightly. She has narcissistic personality disorder and she's got the meanest, evilest version of it. She does things just to try to kill people slowly and try to torture them until they give in and keel over dead. I kid you not. (More storied about her in another post. She takes too long to talk about and I've got loads of crazy stories on her just from this last week.)
Anyway, this particular sister of grandpa's will tell her off! Haha, so funny. BUT I MISSED ALL OF IT! Anywho, since grandpa wasn't getting any calls and they were all sent straight to grandma's phone, my great aunt ended up strolling into the house unannounced. My mom said that my grandma's jaw dropped to the floor! AND I MISSED IT ALL!!! Damn it!
Regardless, grandpa is losing a bunch of weight, not drinking enough, not eating, and my grandma just keeps him from having food by telling him he doesn't need to be eating. Poor guy. I just wish he could have time alone from her! Just let him live with me!!!
Work is okay. I finally have an end date. With that came a call from HR in the middle of my nap. Ugh, I answered a call from the hospital, while mostly asleep, to hear a very loud, overly cheering lady essentially passively aggressively yelling at me for breaking my 2 year contract. She kept reiterating that I signed on for 2 years, so the hospital gave me $3500. I kid you not, she probably told me that it was $3500 like 8 times in 2 minutes. Yes, I know what I signed on for! She was being really rude, while trying to sound nice, all the way up until I told her I have to leave because my grandpa is sick. She sounded slightly sorry and then had to start fumbling around for words. Long story short, she asked how I wanted to pay it back. I told her to go ahead and have accounting call me and we can talk about it. They haven't called, or maybe they did and didn't leave a message. You would think that a hospital, that has half of their employees working night shift, would understand that they need to not call in the middle of the day and that they should leave a message if they want to get any business done. This hospital is severely pissing me off. Whatever, I'm leaving, it'll be okay eventually.
I can see the L-rd working, but I'm only seeing the surface. I want to see the behind-the-scenes takes. I want to see how this all plays out and how everything gets worked out. *sigh* Tis not the way G-d works. Yay for faith building... I know it's a good thing, it's just that growing pains are painful and there's no Tylenol for spiritual "discomfort".
Friday, September 20, 2013
Short Story
Okay, I know I'm ridiculously wordy and I think that is because I don't know what info to include in stories and what to leave out. So, I am going to try to make this a short post/story today. Ready?
My week: Pop quiz in Patho and in BHA. Got 50% on Patho pop quiz and 20% on BHA's. Pharm test and Patho quiz due today, both online. Study for 3 days. Pharm test completed with at least 6 wrong (more to be graded by prof.), lowest figured grade is C. Patho quiz = 19/30. I QUIT!!! What was I thinking?
My week: Pop quiz in Patho and in BHA. Got 50% on Patho pop quiz and 20% on BHA's. Pharm test and Patho quiz due today, both online. Study for 3 days. Pharm test completed with at least 6 wrong (more to be graded by prof.), lowest figured grade is C. Patho quiz = 19/30. I QUIT!!! What was I thinking?
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Popcorn?
I just got invited to go to the movies... by a boy... I have to pick the movie, but this is proving to be a slight dilemma.
Tomorrow I work with my girls so I will talk it over with them a bit.
I'll let you guys know what happens.
Still feel free to give some input. Please, feel free.
Tomorrow I work with my girls so I will talk it over with them a bit.
I'll let you guys know what happens.
Still feel free to give some input. Please, feel free.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Return of My Cynicism
I just researched "cynic" just to see if I was spelling it right, but I found this definition on Google: "Cynicism, in its original form, refers to the beliefs of an ancient
school of Greek philosophers known as the Cynics. Their philosophy was
that the purpose of life was to live a life of Virtue in agreement with
Nature."
Ya, that's definitely not me. I go under the newer definition of cynicism (also found on Google):
Anyway, gone was the week or so of being slightly calmer than normal because my cynicism has returned with a vengeance! It seems like I'm going through the whole wedding cycle again, which is weird because the normal triggers that typically have to take place have not taken place. Maybe its the fact that I'm writing a paper about college student's views on marriage and how it is beneficial to remain single, at least until school is completed and your career is up and running. Right now though, I am finding myself not wanting to be married, or even dating at all. But, coupled with my sudden disdain for the thought of me being married is that little inkling of hope that I will someday be a mother and have children of my own. I will not be a single mother who just gets knocked up in order to have offspring so how do I get around being married but still have children? Maybe I will just give up the thought of children and just focus on helping other women have their babies instead. Then, I still get to hold babies and I don't have to get hitched. Unfortunately, I have a sinking suspicion that this proposal will not provide happiness or get rid of my desires. Maybe marriage won't be so bad, but right now it makes my stomach ill. Not because I'm scared of living with someone for the rest of my life, or because I'm terrified of letting someone know all of me (my thoughts, my life, my everything) though that is a little scary. Right now, I can't pinpoint why I am so opposed to me marrying someone, but this thought of no marriage is getting stronger.
Again, questions are circling through my mind like: Does G-d even have someone for me? Would I even be able to have children? Would I be a good mother? Can I make it through nursing school, let alone midwifery school?
Why am I not able to just trust that G-d will take care of everything!?! I'm so frustrated with myself that I tell G-d I trust Him to orchestrate my life, but then I take the reigns right back and I begin to tell him what I want from life, in a husband, and random things throughout the day. Why? I'm not Him, I don't know what's best for me. Maybe He needs me to finish nursing school in 4.5 or 5 years instead of the 4 year program I am trying for. Maybe He doesn't even want me to be a nurse. I don't know. Perhaps I need to stay single and not be a mother for whatever reason. It sucks constantly not knowing what life is going to be like, where I am going, or what's going to happen. But it's in those times that my faith is strengthened and life is the smoothest when I finally surrender and let G-d do what He is going to do. How do I get back to the state of surrender? How do I stay in that state instead of trying to control everything again?
Ya, that's definitely not me. I go under the newer definition of cynicism (also found on Google):
- Believing that people are motivated by self-interest; distrustful of human sincerity or integrity.
- Doubtful as to whether something will happen or is worthwhile.
Anyway, gone was the week or so of being slightly calmer than normal because my cynicism has returned with a vengeance! It seems like I'm going through the whole wedding cycle again, which is weird because the normal triggers that typically have to take place have not taken place. Maybe its the fact that I'm writing a paper about college student's views on marriage and how it is beneficial to remain single, at least until school is completed and your career is up and running. Right now though, I am finding myself not wanting to be married, or even dating at all. But, coupled with my sudden disdain for the thought of me being married is that little inkling of hope that I will someday be a mother and have children of my own. I will not be a single mother who just gets knocked up in order to have offspring so how do I get around being married but still have children? Maybe I will just give up the thought of children and just focus on helping other women have their babies instead. Then, I still get to hold babies and I don't have to get hitched. Unfortunately, I have a sinking suspicion that this proposal will not provide happiness or get rid of my desires. Maybe marriage won't be so bad, but right now it makes my stomach ill. Not because I'm scared of living with someone for the rest of my life, or because I'm terrified of letting someone know all of me (my thoughts, my life, my everything) though that is a little scary. Right now, I can't pinpoint why I am so opposed to me marrying someone, but this thought of no marriage is getting stronger.
Again, questions are circling through my mind like: Does G-d even have someone for me? Would I even be able to have children? Would I be a good mother? Can I make it through nursing school, let alone midwifery school?
Why am I not able to just trust that G-d will take care of everything!?! I'm so frustrated with myself that I tell G-d I trust Him to orchestrate my life, but then I take the reigns right back and I begin to tell him what I want from life, in a husband, and random things throughout the day. Why? I'm not Him, I don't know what's best for me. Maybe He needs me to finish nursing school in 4.5 or 5 years instead of the 4 year program I am trying for. Maybe He doesn't even want me to be a nurse. I don't know. Perhaps I need to stay single and not be a mother for whatever reason. It sucks constantly not knowing what life is going to be like, where I am going, or what's going to happen. But it's in those times that my faith is strengthened and life is the smoothest when I finally surrender and let G-d do what He is going to do. How do I get back to the state of surrender? How do I stay in that state instead of trying to control everything again?
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Freshman Year Is Nearly Complete!
With all of my classes completed, now I just have to turn in my English paper and take my three finals and then I am free!!! Of course, the freedom only lasts for a week and I won't really be completely free because I have to study for the HESI... but I won't have any actual school for a little bit which is so very nice. Praise the L-rd!
Today I went and volunteered at a free medical clinic as a CNA and I absolutely loved it. I had such a good time. My main job is to call a patient back, get their vitals, history, medications, and what they are in the office for. Then I let the doctor know that the patient is there and that's it. The rest of the time we stand around talking and doing other stuff. Tonight I learned about a month long EMT course and a two week long course (only 2 classes a week) after that to become certified for IV's. Seeing as I wanted to be an EMT first instead of becoming a CNA, I am so excited about this possibility, but I don't have time nor money for the class... So, we will see if it's something G-d wants me to do or not. The frustrating thing about finding this kind of information is that I wanted to be an EMT first, but then got my CNA. So now I am at a crossroads because I am already licensed and I paid for one class, which was nearly $1000! Now, I find a class that I was originally interested in, so do I shell out another $1000 to get that license as well? Did I just waste $1000 getting a now useless license? Now I probably can't even get reimbursed for the CNA course because the administrators did not get my paperwork done in time and nobody is letting me know what's going on with anything. But that is also partly my fault for not pestering them more so that I could actually be made a priority in order to get what I needed. So very frustrating!
Daily Thanksgiving: I'm done with classes. I got to volunteer. My paper was peer reviewed and found to be "excellent" (paraphrasing) by the girl who read it. Opportunities are being presented for lots of stuff in my life, I just have to wait on G-d to tell me if I should act on it or not.
Today I went and volunteered at a free medical clinic as a CNA and I absolutely loved it. I had such a good time. My main job is to call a patient back, get their vitals, history, medications, and what they are in the office for. Then I let the doctor know that the patient is there and that's it. The rest of the time we stand around talking and doing other stuff. Tonight I learned about a month long EMT course and a two week long course (only 2 classes a week) after that to become certified for IV's. Seeing as I wanted to be an EMT first instead of becoming a CNA, I am so excited about this possibility, but I don't have time nor money for the class... So, we will see if it's something G-d wants me to do or not. The frustrating thing about finding this kind of information is that I wanted to be an EMT first, but then got my CNA. So now I am at a crossroads because I am already licensed and I paid for one class, which was nearly $1000! Now, I find a class that I was originally interested in, so do I shell out another $1000 to get that license as well? Did I just waste $1000 getting a now useless license? Now I probably can't even get reimbursed for the CNA course because the administrators did not get my paperwork done in time and nobody is letting me know what's going on with anything. But that is also partly my fault for not pestering them more so that I could actually be made a priority in order to get what I needed. So very frustrating!
Daily Thanksgiving: I'm done with classes. I got to volunteer. My paper was peer reviewed and found to be "excellent" (paraphrasing) by the girl who read it. Opportunities are being presented for lots of stuff in my life, I just have to wait on G-d to tell me if I should act on it or not.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Super Simple
I'm staying simple today because I'm exhausted and ready for bed!
So, here are my Daily Thanksgivings: I had an excellent day at work today. My residents are making work more fun, now that I am finally getting slightly faster. Also, G-d is making work much easier for me. Today's weather was absolutely gorgeous! I was able to talk to one of my friends about something that I had been scared to talk about, and it actually went really well and I disguised it as a joke, but they got the message. Praise the L-rd for that!!!
Also, 3 weeks of school left before summer! I know I am using a lot of exclamation points, but it's just a good day. I am so ready to be done with school and I am ready to no longer be a freshman. L-rd willing, I will only have 3 years left until I'm a nurse, but we will see how that goes...
How are y'all doing? Any exciting news? Any advice for the HESI coming up here shortly? Are any of you fixin' to take it this summer too? (Lots of questions I know, but join in the conversation, I would love to hear from you and we can freak out about grades and nursing school together!)
So, here are my Daily Thanksgivings: I had an excellent day at work today. My residents are making work more fun, now that I am finally getting slightly faster. Also, G-d is making work much easier for me. Today's weather was absolutely gorgeous! I was able to talk to one of my friends about something that I had been scared to talk about, and it actually went really well and I disguised it as a joke, but they got the message. Praise the L-rd for that!!!
Also, 3 weeks of school left before summer! I know I am using a lot of exclamation points, but it's just a good day. I am so ready to be done with school and I am ready to no longer be a freshman. L-rd willing, I will only have 3 years left until I'm a nurse, but we will see how that goes...
How are y'all doing? Any exciting news? Any advice for the HESI coming up here shortly? Are any of you fixin' to take it this summer too? (Lots of questions I know, but join in the conversation, I would love to hear from you and we can freak out about grades and nursing school together!)
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Apartment Hunting
This is a difficult job because it is so time consuming. While it is exciting, it is also a tedious and exhausting process, but hopefully we will find a great apartment and get to move in this summer! It's kind of frustrating though because really nice places pop up in my search and I can't wait until I can afford a nicer place, but that will not be for a very, very long time. Probably like 8 years... Thank you loans and student debt!
I am so excited though. I will get to have a shotgun of my very own in my room and I will be a big girl living without parental ties. Right now I have everything that I can't use at school at home with my parents, but after this summer, that will no longer be the case. Too bad I can't just live with them because I would have good food and no rent or bills to pay, but that just won't work right now. Maybe I can live with them while I am completing my Midwife courses!
Anyway, Shabbat Shalom! I hope y'all have a good day of rest and I hope you actually get to rest and thank G-d for this beautiful day.
Daily Thanksgiving: It's Shabbat! I get to rest and relax and do a whole lot of nothing after my very busy, stressful week.
I am so excited though. I will get to have a shotgun of my very own in my room and I will be a big girl living without parental ties. Right now I have everything that I can't use at school at home with my parents, but after this summer, that will no longer be the case. Too bad I can't just live with them because I would have good food and no rent or bills to pay, but that just won't work right now. Maybe I can live with them while I am completing my Midwife courses!
Anyway, Shabbat Shalom! I hope y'all have a good day of rest and I hope you actually get to rest and thank G-d for this beautiful day.
Daily Thanksgiving: It's Shabbat! I get to rest and relax and do a whole lot of nothing after my very busy, stressful week.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
3 Tests Completed
I just finished my final test. It was in anatomy and I'm not so sure I did very well. All three tests are leaving me pessimistic about grades, but that is largely my fault for not studying more in the past few weeks. L-rd willing, I will get decent grades, but that will take a miracle from G-d! Now I get to go to English, with an incomplete paper... It's only peer review and my friends are in that class so they can read it for me, but it's still just frustrating and slightly worrisome not being prepared for class.
In other news, we were talking about clinical psychological disorders in psych, and it turns out I had 11/11 of the symptoms at one point and now I'm down to 7/11 symptoms. I know that this doesn't mean that I definitely had clinical depression, but it makes me feel better that it wasn't just all in my head and I wasn't the only person who has ever experienced it. Also, I have anxiety, but it's only minor anxiety. Both of these things are hereditary in my family so I am sure there will be more battles with both anxiety and depression, but for the time being I'm doin' alright.
I'll check in later tonight after I go to the gym for the first time in a week! It's been two weeks since the stair hike and my friends are going again on Saturday, but it's supposed to be cold and I feel really bad for making them wait for so long at the top. Likely I will go next week by myself, but we will see.
Also, I am going with my potential roommates to go look at apartments tomorrow and I am so beyond stoked!!! It makes my heart happy to think about living on my own... then I think about leaving my parents for the rest of my life and that makes me sad. Then I get anxious about bills and how I am going to afford everything... But, for right now, my heart is happy about the future and I am glad I have someone who asked to live with me so I don't feel like such a huge burden!
In other news, we were talking about clinical psychological disorders in psych, and it turns out I had 11/11 of the symptoms at one point and now I'm down to 7/11 symptoms. I know that this doesn't mean that I definitely had clinical depression, but it makes me feel better that it wasn't just all in my head and I wasn't the only person who has ever experienced it. Also, I have anxiety, but it's only minor anxiety. Both of these things are hereditary in my family so I am sure there will be more battles with both anxiety and depression, but for the time being I'm doin' alright.
I'll check in later tonight after I go to the gym for the first time in a week! It's been two weeks since the stair hike and my friends are going again on Saturday, but it's supposed to be cold and I feel really bad for making them wait for so long at the top. Likely I will go next week by myself, but we will see.
Also, I am going with my potential roommates to go look at apartments tomorrow and I am so beyond stoked!!! It makes my heart happy to think about living on my own... then I think about leaving my parents for the rest of my life and that makes me sad. Then I get anxious about bills and how I am going to afford everything... But, for right now, my heart is happy about the future and I am glad I have someone who asked to live with me so I don't feel like such a huge burden!
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
1 Quiz and 1 Test Down...
1 quiz and 1 test down this week... just 2 more tests and a paper to do and then this week is done.
I took my anatomy lab practical today and I'm really not thinking that I did well. Unfortunately, last week when I had that pointless snow day (because we had less than an inch of snow!), I was supposed to have anatomy lab. That lab was supposed to be about the digestive system. Guess what the test was on? Yes, I did go to the lab make-up, but the instructors teach very differently and I didn't study the cadaver the way I should have. Anyway, the cadaver was tagged for like 7 questions on this test! Talk about freaking me out. I guessed on every single one of those question because I didn't learn that material or the cadaver. So, I think I'm going to get a C on this test which seals my fate of not getting an A or an A- in anatomy. I will likely have to settle for a B or maybe even a C in the class. Am I displaying narcicistic anxiety? Yes, I certainly am because I flip out over grades. When I ended up getting an A- in anatomy last semester, I cried. Not just a little tear drop or two. No, I had another full-fledged bout with depression that lasted about two weeks. No joke! It took half of my winter break to get over that "-" being on my transcripts. I never used to be like this, but when I moved out, I didn't know who I was. School had always been something that I didn't have to try at but I was super good at it. Now, I am nothing, nobody. I don't know what I'm doing or how to get where I need to go because I don't know where I'm going.
Regardless, my first test is done and I can breathe slightly easier.
Daily Thanksgiving: I had a fairly uneventful day. One of my two anatomy tests are done and my psych test is tomorrow. I had a take-home quiz this week instead of having to bomb another quiz in chem. Tomorrow is Wednesday which means I am already half-way done with this week (seeing as I only have school Monday thru Thursday). I got to have breakfast with a very close girl friend of mine and we got to gush about boys. I still find it uncomfortable to talk about this kind of stuff, but I think it's helping me wrap my head around what happened. Also, I got to hang out with my guy friend and he helped me study. Now that I think about it, this day was a pretty good one because G-d got me through in one piece and He is allowing me to survive college!
I took my anatomy lab practical today and I'm really not thinking that I did well. Unfortunately, last week when I had that pointless snow day (because we had less than an inch of snow!), I was supposed to have anatomy lab. That lab was supposed to be about the digestive system. Guess what the test was on? Yes, I did go to the lab make-up, but the instructors teach very differently and I didn't study the cadaver the way I should have. Anyway, the cadaver was tagged for like 7 questions on this test! Talk about freaking me out. I guessed on every single one of those question because I didn't learn that material or the cadaver. So, I think I'm going to get a C on this test which seals my fate of not getting an A or an A- in anatomy. I will likely have to settle for a B or maybe even a C in the class. Am I displaying narcicistic anxiety? Yes, I certainly am because I flip out over grades. When I ended up getting an A- in anatomy last semester, I cried. Not just a little tear drop or two. No, I had another full-fledged bout with depression that lasted about two weeks. No joke! It took half of my winter break to get over that "-" being on my transcripts. I never used to be like this, but when I moved out, I didn't know who I was. School had always been something that I didn't have to try at but I was super good at it. Now, I am nothing, nobody. I don't know what I'm doing or how to get where I need to go because I don't know where I'm going.
Regardless, my first test is done and I can breathe slightly easier.
Daily Thanksgiving: I had a fairly uneventful day. One of my two anatomy tests are done and my psych test is tomorrow. I had a take-home quiz this week instead of having to bomb another quiz in chem. Tomorrow is Wednesday which means I am already half-way done with this week (seeing as I only have school Monday thru Thursday). I got to have breakfast with a very close girl friend of mine and we got to gush about boys. I still find it uncomfortable to talk about this kind of stuff, but I think it's helping me wrap my head around what happened. Also, I got to hang out with my guy friend and he helped me study. Now that I think about it, this day was a pretty good one because G-d got me through in one piece and He is allowing me to survive college!
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Super Great Day
First of all, my guy friend that I have a thing for, and he has a thing for me (recently verified by himself) got disclosed yesterday. Super scary, but so cute. He looked so nervous you don't even know, but it was adorable! He said he didn't care what happened either way, if I liked him back or not because he knew of my past and how bad it hurts me when guy friends ask me out and then stop talking to me when I don't reciprocate. So he went on to say that nothing would change if I didn't "feel" the same way about him. Then he said that he kinda sorta likes me... a lot. (He said it just like that.) But he was so nervous and anxious and scared. Then, being the awkward person I am, I gave him a hug and changed the subject... I know! He must have been dying inside. Not to worry though, he had the courage to bring it up once, so he just brought it up again later that night. That's when I told him that I'm diggin' him too, but I'm just not ready to date yet. So, we are now in a pre-dating phase that I had no idea existed, but there is so much about people I had no clue about. Science and algebra are my niche, people are way too far outside of my line of understanding. Even science is starting to become more difficult (A&P) and so my world is slipping away!
Today, I had an awesome day at work! I was paired with a CNA that is notorious for being super rude and mean to new girls, but I had no problem with her. I also cut the time I take to give someone a shower in half from 30 mins to 15 mins! I toiletted almost as many people as her and we were two hours ahead so I got to color with my residents while we were waiting for the next group of CNA's to come in. Plus, my LPN was so ridiculously sweet today and the CNA on the adjoining floor kept asking if I was okay and if I needed help. I am starting to make friends! Likely it is out of pity right now, but that's cool because someday I will be able to help new girls get on their feet in this very difficult job atmosphere.
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d blessed me with an amazing day at work when I was expecting a really rough day. I was paired with a sweet LPN and the CNA was gracious to me. No more stressing about this relationship with my guy friend, for right now anyway, because he had the courage to come out and ask me about it. He asked me even though he knows I hate talking about "feelings" and mushy, gross, heart stuff (not the anatomy heart, because anatomy and cadavers I can do, ironically enough). We were ahead at work and I get to go sleep. Also, I just got back from a very productive 2.5 hour study session with a good friend of mine, who just happens to have the same schedule as me (except for a lab because I change mine, but I didn't know her when I made my schedule, it's crazy). Anyway, she is a great teacher and we are praying that we do well on our crazy amount of tests and other huge assignments that we have this week. Oh, and she is thinking about moving in with me next year!!! So many good things going on.
My cup runneth over...
My heart is super happy...
Today, I had an awesome day at work! I was paired with a CNA that is notorious for being super rude and mean to new girls, but I had no problem with her. I also cut the time I take to give someone a shower in half from 30 mins to 15 mins! I toiletted almost as many people as her and we were two hours ahead so I got to color with my residents while we were waiting for the next group of CNA's to come in. Plus, my LPN was so ridiculously sweet today and the CNA on the adjoining floor kept asking if I was okay and if I needed help. I am starting to make friends! Likely it is out of pity right now, but that's cool because someday I will be able to help new girls get on their feet in this very difficult job atmosphere.
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d blessed me with an amazing day at work when I was expecting a really rough day. I was paired with a sweet LPN and the CNA was gracious to me. No more stressing about this relationship with my guy friend, for right now anyway, because he had the courage to come out and ask me about it. He asked me even though he knows I hate talking about "feelings" and mushy, gross, heart stuff (not the anatomy heart, because anatomy and cadavers I can do, ironically enough). We were ahead at work and I get to go sleep. Also, I just got back from a very productive 2.5 hour study session with a good friend of mine, who just happens to have the same schedule as me (except for a lab because I change mine, but I didn't know her when I made my schedule, it's crazy). Anyway, she is a great teacher and we are praying that we do well on our crazy amount of tests and other huge assignments that we have this week. Oh, and she is thinking about moving in with me next year!!! So many good things going on.
My cup runneth over...
My heart is super happy...
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Update From Yesterday
So, my birthday turned out decent. Nobody knew about it, that I know of, so that was good. Also, my classes weren't terrible, they just dragged on all day. However, yesterday is a success in my book and I am very glad I didn't make a big deal about turning 19. That number bothers me, because I just got used to writing 18 on stuff... Oh well.
The crush I have is still there despite the various ways I have tried to lose these "feelings". Feelings is such a gross word. Anyway, I still have not decided what I am going to do about it and I am still waiting on the L-rd to direct my decision.
School is back in full swing even though my brain is still stuck on break, but I am getting through the week and enjoying the lack of homework I have to complete thanks to my hard effort over break!
Daily Thanksgiving from yesterday: Nobody knew about my birthday (except my family). It rained here. Saturday I may be going on a hike that I am very excited about, which is good because I usually don't get excited about hikes or physical activities at all.
More to come about today later.
How are you doing today?
The crush I have is still there despite the various ways I have tried to lose these "feelings". Feelings is such a gross word. Anyway, I still have not decided what I am going to do about it and I am still waiting on the L-rd to direct my decision.
School is back in full swing even though my brain is still stuck on break, but I am getting through the week and enjoying the lack of homework I have to complete thanks to my hard effort over break!
Daily Thanksgiving from yesterday: Nobody knew about my birthday (except my family). It rained here. Saturday I may be going on a hike that I am very excited about, which is good because I usually don't get excited about hikes or physical activities at all.
More to come about today later.
How are you doing today?
Friday, March 22, 2013
RA Interview
I just got done with my RA interview... but I don't think it was the best one they may have sat through. Oh gosh, I don't know. I would love to be an RA for the nursing floor, but I don't know how well/poorly I do in interviews so I don't know how this is going to be.
If I get the job, it is because G-d wanted me to have the job anyway so we shall see what He wants!
My spring break is actually here, I have nothing else I absolutely have to do!
If I get the job, it is because G-d wanted me to have the job anyway so we shall see what He wants!
My spring break is actually here, I have nothing else I absolutely have to do!
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
My Mind Won't Shut Up!!!
Normally I do not even like to say shut up, to me it is a "four-letter word". In this case, however, I think it is appropriate. I can't sleep well. I take magnesium, which usually helps me fall asleep and sleep peacefully through the night, but my mind won't turn off anymore. Last night, I stayed up until about 11 p.m. (very unusual for me now) working on anatomy (which was getting it done early! Also very unusual). By the time I fell asleep it was close to midnight or later. Then I woke up at about 6 a.m. and could not fall back asleep even though I usually sleep through a couple snooze cycles.
Yesterday in psych we learned about Freud's theories about anxiety and I fit to a "T" in the neurotic anxiety category. I have tried to change by focusing on positives, doing my daily thanksgivings, stopping myself from being sooooooo cynical and I am hanging out with my friends much more. With all of these things I figured my stress would go down and I would stop worrying about every little thing, especially before it happened. Unfortunately, my little experiment did not go as planned. Now I am sleepless, staying up to think about the guy I have developed a thing for, I worry about how awful I am as a CNA and now my poor grades are creeping into my head as well. I also believe my depression is coming back, with reinforcement. Folks, I am not sure what to do...
Let's change the subject though, this Debbie Downer thing is getting me worked up just a little bit. I went out to lunch yesterday with my mentor. She is only a year ahead of me but she gives me faith counseling and nursing school advice. At the end of lunch she asked me if there were any guys in my life which was so weird because she knows I don't understand the whole cute guy, attraction, dating thing. But it was nice to share with someone who was excited for me to be reciprocating "feelings" (I hate that word, it makes me want to cast up my breakfast) for this guy. I told her I wasn't ready to date and didn't plan on dating until junior year. To this she quickly rebuked my need to plan (and worry) about my entire life before I have even gotten anywhere. I think she is right. I cannot plan everything because, ultimately, G-d is in control of all things. I have little to nothing to do with how my life plays out, He already knows what happens and how the story ends. On the other hand, I don't want to date anyone that is not looking for marriage and is not totally in love with G-d first and foremost. Getting my heart broken is something I desperately want to avoid and I figured that by praying that I don't date anyone until my husband comes along, I would avoid the whole breakup mess. Breaking up would just cast me into a deeper depression than I would know how to handle and it breaks friends up. Again my neurotic anxiety is surfacing. Funny how that works, huh?
Daily Thanksgiving: Today I am thankful I got to have lunch with my friend yesterday. I was able to pass my chem test, with just a C, but it was a high C (78%). Next time, I plan to study much more and work towards an A in anatomy and chemistry because I really need to raise my grades. I am thankful for the fact that G-d holds me in His hands and never lets me go. I know that He is with me even in my darkest hour, and I seem to have a lot of those. He has also protected me from so many boys that would have been so very bad for me and he gives me wisdom, and sometimes ignorance, in order to preserve me.
"Bless the L-rd, oh my soul. Worship His holy name. Sing like never before, oh my soul. I'll worship Your holy name." (It's from a song and seemed fitting.)
Yesterday in psych we learned about Freud's theories about anxiety and I fit to a "T" in the neurotic anxiety category. I have tried to change by focusing on positives, doing my daily thanksgivings, stopping myself from being sooooooo cynical and I am hanging out with my friends much more. With all of these things I figured my stress would go down and I would stop worrying about every little thing, especially before it happened. Unfortunately, my little experiment did not go as planned. Now I am sleepless, staying up to think about the guy I have developed a thing for, I worry about how awful I am as a CNA and now my poor grades are creeping into my head as well. I also believe my depression is coming back, with reinforcement. Folks, I am not sure what to do...
Let's change the subject though, this Debbie Downer thing is getting me worked up just a little bit. I went out to lunch yesterday with my mentor. She is only a year ahead of me but she gives me faith counseling and nursing school advice. At the end of lunch she asked me if there were any guys in my life which was so weird because she knows I don't understand the whole cute guy, attraction, dating thing. But it was nice to share with someone who was excited for me to be reciprocating "feelings" (I hate that word, it makes me want to cast up my breakfast) for this guy. I told her I wasn't ready to date and didn't plan on dating until junior year. To this she quickly rebuked my need to plan (and worry) about my entire life before I have even gotten anywhere. I think she is right. I cannot plan everything because, ultimately, G-d is in control of all things. I have little to nothing to do with how my life plays out, He already knows what happens and how the story ends. On the other hand, I don't want to date anyone that is not looking for marriage and is not totally in love with G-d first and foremost. Getting my heart broken is something I desperately want to avoid and I figured that by praying that I don't date anyone until my husband comes along, I would avoid the whole breakup mess. Breaking up would just cast me into a deeper depression than I would know how to handle and it breaks friends up. Again my neurotic anxiety is surfacing. Funny how that works, huh?
Daily Thanksgiving: Today I am thankful I got to have lunch with my friend yesterday. I was able to pass my chem test, with just a C, but it was a high C (78%). Next time, I plan to study much more and work towards an A in anatomy and chemistry because I really need to raise my grades. I am thankful for the fact that G-d holds me in His hands and never lets me go. I know that He is with me even in my darkest hour, and I seem to have a lot of those. He has also protected me from so many boys that would have been so very bad for me and he gives me wisdom, and sometimes ignorance, in order to preserve me.
"Bless the L-rd, oh my soul. Worship His holy name. Sing like never before, oh my soul. I'll worship Your holy name." (It's from a song and seemed fitting.)
Monday, February 11, 2013
Moving On!
So I got approved for my dorm room change today! That means I can move out of my toxic living environment, into one of peace and solitude (only by choice). My praise today is the fact that I got approved for the room that I wanted, my first choice in fact. Now I just have to inform my roommates of me moving out. Then just get through the next 3.5 years where they will likely be in the nursing program, and therefore ALL of my classes from here on out... Oh, how I will need strength, grace and love in these next years! L-rd willing that I get into the nursing program at this university. I have heard it is one of the top nursing programs in the state and even in the country!
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Homesick
For all of you that have ever been away from home, I'm sure you know what homesickness is. It's brutal! I just got back to my dorm today from spending the weekend with my family, but I cannot seem to get over this overwhelming sense of sadness that I am not with them. It seems so strange that I used to live at home all of the time, and now I hardly get to be with my family. I am very blessed that my university is only an hour away, but I still miss my family greatly. I would love to sleep at home all the time, have my mom's cooking and still be getting the same education at this college. Unfortunately, that is just not how it works. This raises the question: How am I supposed to grow up and move out? How am I supposed to get married? Leaving my family seems like I am abandoning them or something. They spend so much of their life caring for me, then I just up and leave? That doesn't seem right. I know they did it, and almost everyone in history has had to do that at some point, but I cannot wrap my head around this. It makes my heart hurt and then brings back my depression for a good few days.
Today, I am so very grateful to have such a loving family. One that I cannot separate myself from. My parents both had abusive families, but Ad-nai has blessed me so greatly with such amazing parents and a great brother (even though he is awfully ornery lately). My parents have supported me all my life, always looking out for what's best for me. (I can't even see what I'm typing right now through this blurry mess. I used to not cry very much, but it seems that between the huge amount of stress I encounter on a daily basis, and my homesickness, all I ever do is call my mom on the edge of tears. This brings another problem because I try to pretend I am not crying in order to avoid worrying her, but I think she knows...) G-d has even blessed me with pseudo extended family. My dad's father passed away when I was young (I had only met him a few times.) But G-d always provides someone else to step into that role. We do not talk at all to my mom's parents, but still I have even more pseudo grandparents. This is true for aunt, uncles, cousins and beyond! Plus, the one biological grandparent we do talk to, my Mema (dad's mom), is absolutely amazing! I could go on and on about her. She is a NICU nurse, so very kind, and I am the spittin' image of her (with brown hair, instead of blonde). I believe family is one of the biggest blessings G-d gives to us, whether they are our family by blood or not.
Today, I am so very grateful to have such a loving family. One that I cannot separate myself from. My parents both had abusive families, but Ad-nai has blessed me so greatly with such amazing parents and a great brother (even though he is awfully ornery lately). My parents have supported me all my life, always looking out for what's best for me. (I can't even see what I'm typing right now through this blurry mess. I used to not cry very much, but it seems that between the huge amount of stress I encounter on a daily basis, and my homesickness, all I ever do is call my mom on the edge of tears. This brings another problem because I try to pretend I am not crying in order to avoid worrying her, but I think she knows...) G-d has even blessed me with pseudo extended family. My dad's father passed away when I was young (I had only met him a few times.) But G-d always provides someone else to step into that role. We do not talk at all to my mom's parents, but still I have even more pseudo grandparents. This is true for aunt, uncles, cousins and beyond! Plus, the one biological grandparent we do talk to, my Mema (dad's mom), is absolutely amazing! I could go on and on about her. She is a NICU nurse, so very kind, and I am the spittin' image of her (with brown hair, instead of blonde). I believe family is one of the biggest blessings G-d gives to us, whether they are our family by blood or not.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Hurt Feelers
Being a tomboy, raised around mostly guys, and also by a dad who is very masculine and a mother who is super tomboyish herself, I have developed many "male" outlooks on certain situations. When, however, my "feelers" get hurt (my dad's way of saying hurt feelings), I can be crushed. This is because it takes a lot to hurt me enough to get to that point. All through my childhood I have been called fat, ugly, and a few other choice words. I have been excluded most of my life, to the point where I can hardly remember being included with people. These times of pain have made me much stronger and I am glad that I have gone through them because of the lessons I have learned.
With all of this said, I have recently had my feelers hurt almost worse than any other time in my life. I cannot really get into it, but it really stings when someone says they do not want you around to someone else, and it gets back to you...
Needless to say, I will get through this. G-d will get me through this because without Him, I would have been crushed and finished long ago. There is a lesson to be learned, a scar that needs to be healed and grace that will abound through Him alone.
With all of this said, I have recently had my feelers hurt almost worse than any other time in my life. I cannot really get into it, but it really stings when someone says they do not want you around to someone else, and it gets back to you...
Needless to say, I will get through this. G-d will get me through this because without Him, I would have been crushed and finished long ago. There is a lesson to be learned, a scar that needs to be healed and grace that will abound through Him alone.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Extreme Introvert Here
I do not like to make others uncomfortable... most of the time. Sometimes it's just plain funny, but I usually only do that to joke around. Any-who... I have dealt with the fact that sometimes people are not comfortable with me around. Maybe it is because I am very secluded, I do not talk much (if at all), I do not need to be around others 24/7 and I actually enjoy spending most of my time alone. Due to these tendencies to be alone, dorm life is highly incompatible. Dorms just make you LIVE at school. I wake up, and I see the school right out my window. I go to meals and see more school buildings. I come back to my dorm room after class, and work on home work (a.k.a. more school). School brings hundreds and thousands of people with it. Do you see the conflict? I am a self proclaimed loner who is very content being introverted. This much time around people causes anxiety problems for me in turn causing health problems.
This fits in with me not liking others to be uncomfortable because sometimes my friends do not understand that I am not ignoring them, nor do I dislike them. I just need a lot of alone time. Seeing as I need so much alone time, they become uncomfortable that I do not want to hang out or talk every waking second of my life. Sorry guys, I am just a weird, really shy, highly introverted person. Hanging out is something I truly enjoy, but I need it in moderation.
So readers, if you have a friend like me, do not take it personally. Let them know that you do not find it offensive that they do not talk to you but maybe once a week or even once a month. We really do like you guys! We often find friends who are extreme extroverts that consequently talk a lot. We like this feature because you keep the conversation going when we really have no clue how you have so much to say. Keep talking and don't be confused if we only get together every once in awhile. We do like to be invited and we do enjoy the company of others, we just don't need very much time with people to be fulfilled in the social aspects of our lives.
This fits in with me not liking others to be uncomfortable because sometimes my friends do not understand that I am not ignoring them, nor do I dislike them. I just need a lot of alone time. Seeing as I need so much alone time, they become uncomfortable that I do not want to hang out or talk every waking second of my life. Sorry guys, I am just a weird, really shy, highly introverted person. Hanging out is something I truly enjoy, but I need it in moderation.
So readers, if you have a friend like me, do not take it personally. Let them know that you do not find it offensive that they do not talk to you but maybe once a week or even once a month. We really do like you guys! We often find friends who are extreme extroverts that consequently talk a lot. We like this feature because you keep the conversation going when we really have no clue how you have so much to say. Keep talking and don't be confused if we only get together every once in awhile. We do like to be invited and we do enjoy the company of others, we just don't need very much time with people to be fulfilled in the social aspects of our lives.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Oh the Weekend!
Oh the beauty of college, only four days of school and a three day weekend! I do not know how I ever managed to go to school all day five days a week. I am really diggin' this maximum of three classes, set your own schedule, have extended weekends every week thing. Ahhh.
If only the classes could stay as easy as they are the first week of school...
I have counted up my quizzes, tests, lab practicals, papers due and other assignments for the semester. It came to a whopping total of 47 assignments (including finals). 15 weeks to go, then the first year of college will be under my belt. With this end, however, comes the joys of the HESI-A to try to get into nursing school and several months of anxiety for this very anxious girl.
Well, sweet dreams all! I get the privilege of working tomorrow. Truly such a blessing! :) (Please forgive my little smiley face there, I usually do not use those but it seemed appropriate.)
If only the classes could stay as easy as they are the first week of school...
I have counted up my quizzes, tests, lab practicals, papers due and other assignments for the semester. It came to a whopping total of 47 assignments (including finals). 15 weeks to go, then the first year of college will be under my belt. With this end, however, comes the joys of the HESI-A to try to get into nursing school and several months of anxiety for this very anxious girl.
Well, sweet dreams all! I get the privilege of working tomorrow. Truly such a blessing! :) (Please forgive my little smiley face there, I usually do not use those but it seemed appropriate.)
Monday, January 21, 2013
First Day Back
For anyone that has had the privilege of going to school, you know the first day back is exciting, perhaps exhausting, and maybe a tad stressful. Speaking for myself, the first day back to my second semester of college is quite daunting. I am very grateful I get to go to school, don't get me wrong. The thing is, I enjoy being with my family! Winter break was a whole five weeks of lounging around, hanging out with people I have known most-if not all- of my life. School brings the great uncertainty of people. Strangers in my classes, strangers sitting around me at meals, and my dorm mates are still kind of strangers. I do not mean to whine or complain, I have just always had a difficult time adjusting to tons of change. G-d always gets me through though, providing in every situation.
So, here we go tomorrow. A brand new day. The first day of my second semester of college. Hey, I am half way through my first year and well on my way to becoming a nurse!
So, here we go tomorrow. A brand new day. The first day of my second semester of college. Hey, I am half way through my first year and well on my way to becoming a nurse!
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