Guys, I'm freaking out today. I was doing okay for the first time a couple days ago and now I'm headed back into the sad part of my cycle. I'm freaking out because I'm terrified I have an STD.
I know, I shouldn't be worrying and then refuse to go get tested. Thing is, I didn't want the contact that spreads STDs. It wasn't my choice. I could choose for the guys to have protection. I didn't choose any of it. That makes me angry. If I had a choice in any part of the matter at all, then I wouldn't be in this predicament.
I'm angry because I didn't get a choice. I'm angry because if I do have one, then I feel like my life is over because I don't want a husband to get it, if I have anything, and I damn sure don't want kids to get it. So then marriage and children are out of the picture for me.
That was my nightmare last night. That I had an STD.
I know I should go get tested but I'm terrified that it will be the end of my life and dreams.
I'm hoping I can just get to counseling tomorrow. I look forward to having it twice a week because I'm not doing well going so far out between sessions. I feel better the first few days and then I start sinking again about mid-way through the week once it gets to about Thursday or Friday and then my weekends are shit.
On a positive note, I got a snow day today. I really needed it. I'm just hoping I get to start clinicals tomorrow because it'll be the first day of OB clinicals and I'm on the Mom/Baby floor. Yay!
Showing posts with label snow day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label snow day. Show all posts
Monday, February 1, 2016
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
In such a short time
In the short amount of time that I was "home" for Thanksgiving, re-experienced many things I vowed to not revisit anymore. They aren't big things, but still not pleasant.
The first was visiting my church of 10 years, the one I grew up in. It is also the one that "kicked" our family out because we had differing opinions. They actually didn't kick us out, they just put us down and refused to cease making fun of our ideas and findings while they took a man's word on what G-d means instead of talking to Him about it. If y'all haven't figured it out yet, I don't take too kindly to people raggin' on me when I can't fight back because I was 10 and all the old ladies were underestimating my ability to make my own decisions. Anyway, my brother was driving us and he decided to stop by the church. It was awkward. Only out old youth pastor was there, at first. For the initial 45 minutes that my brother and I were there, the youth pastor talked only to my brother (unless I interjected). It hurt, however, I did not cry or feel like crying after the visit. Normally I do because I suspected that he and his wife never cared for me and all of my past visits have confirmed this suspicion. I finally feel like I don't have to go back, nor do I want to go back ever again. This is healing and this is moving on with my life. No more focusing on the past and my hurt. I will learn from what has happened, but the bitterness is nearly gone and my experiences are allowing me to branch out to the outsiders that I encounter in my everyday life.
Also, I started reading for fun again! I love books. I read a whole book in a day. I also figured out how to get library books onto my iPad without ever leaving my house. What a beautiful invention! Someday, I hope that they increase the amount of ebooks online to be checked out from my local libraries because when I graduate and have some free time, I will likely go through all of them in a matter of months. Unfortunately, no books looked interesting except for romance novels. I have learned in the past that these make me quite bitter and angry for several months. Now, I should not be upset because G-d has protected my heart on so many occasions from being broken in frivolous relationships that would have clearly been dangerous. On the other hand, I tend to throw myself pity parties during/after reading these types of books because I find myself wanting that sort of attention. I want love and a guy to look at me and think: hey, I love this girl so much I want to spend the rest of my life with her. In reality, I think I want the assurance that there is someone committed to me and we pledge and make a binding contract to stay together. Does this really mean that we will live a long happy life married to only each other and be madly in love until we die in each others arms while sleeping one night because we are extremely old and G-d decides to take us home? (run-on, I know. They get worse as my thoughts begin to spill uninterrupted) Absolutely not. I have seen marriages with a firm foundation based on G-d be broken because of unexpected death or a poor decision to sleep with another person in a moment of inappropriate passion and bad judgement. I have witnessed the pain and total brokenness of families and the faces of distraught children over these matters. Marriages that were seen as the model for the church and were expected to go the distance have crumbled. Lives were shattered and pain is left with the rubble.
Having said all that, is it worth it to even desire marriage? I am a pessimist and an analyst. One of my many motto's is: Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. In order to prepare for the worst, I imagine and observe as many bad scenarios as possible so that I can formulate plans of action to avoid or weather the storms that will occur. So, I see the bad that can come from a situation and expect it. I plan for people taking advantage of me (in marriage, friendships, and everywhere). I assume that people get enough of me so that I don't push myself onto people to avoid them becoming burnt out with me. I try to avoid situations that can lead to pain and therefore often just stay at home and refuse human contact. Even still, I have this desire to have a boyfriend. Folks, if you are confused then I apologize, but this even has me at a loss for words. I want something but I don't want it all at the same time. It's like my "heart" and my head are having a war because I know dating is dangerous (logical reasoning from my head) but my heart is wanting to be loved and to feel butterflies and I want to see someone get tongue tied because they find me beautiful and worthy of their love and affection. I want a beau and a husband and children and a family of my own. Yet, the thought of this is terrifying because so much can go wrong.
I started journaling questions that I ask G-d. Recently it's regarding the purpose of marriage, the reason of life, what I am supposed to be doing, and my purpose. Also, why does the Bible mention things like David was handsome and Esther was the most beautiful woman in the land if it also tells us to not see a person's exterior as much as we focus on their actions and what those tell us about their heart? This started because I still have no idea of the purpose of marriage. I asked my friend, who is Catholic, what marriage means to her. She went on and on about how she wants the Cinderella charmed life. I told her that I felt G-d was telling me that there is more and that there is a deeper purpose. She refuted the idea and told me that I over-think everything. While this is true, I don't think I would have this nagging thought that there is something more if there is not something the Ruach Hakodesh (Holy Spirit) is trying to get me to understand. It's such a frustrating feeling but it's also good because I know that He is trying to talk to me and reveal something monumental to me. I'll keep you updated on what He shows me.
Well, enough procrastinating. I have to go start and finish my paper. Major writer's block for academic writings today.
I had a group presentation and it went really well today. We talked about euthanasia... Not a fun subject. My campus also closed down due to weather issues. We were hoping for a snow day all day because the roads were awful. All of a sudden, during other group presentations, someone announces randomly that school was cancelled! (We have a text message system through the school that alerts us of campus closings and everything.) Then they said that the snow day did not start until after our class finished about an hour later. Such disappointment!!! Anyway, I almost had a snow day and nearly got out of my group presentation. Unfortunately, it did not come in time. C'est la vie.
The first was visiting my church of 10 years, the one I grew up in. It is also the one that "kicked" our family out because we had differing opinions. They actually didn't kick us out, they just put us down and refused to cease making fun of our ideas and findings while they took a man's word on what G-d means instead of talking to Him about it. If y'all haven't figured it out yet, I don't take too kindly to people raggin' on me when I can't fight back because I was 10 and all the old ladies were underestimating my ability to make my own decisions. Anyway, my brother was driving us and he decided to stop by the church. It was awkward. Only out old youth pastor was there, at first. For the initial 45 minutes that my brother and I were there, the youth pastor talked only to my brother (unless I interjected). It hurt, however, I did not cry or feel like crying after the visit. Normally I do because I suspected that he and his wife never cared for me and all of my past visits have confirmed this suspicion. I finally feel like I don't have to go back, nor do I want to go back ever again. This is healing and this is moving on with my life. No more focusing on the past and my hurt. I will learn from what has happened, but the bitterness is nearly gone and my experiences are allowing me to branch out to the outsiders that I encounter in my everyday life.
Also, I started reading for fun again! I love books. I read a whole book in a day. I also figured out how to get library books onto my iPad without ever leaving my house. What a beautiful invention! Someday, I hope that they increase the amount of ebooks online to be checked out from my local libraries because when I graduate and have some free time, I will likely go through all of them in a matter of months. Unfortunately, no books looked interesting except for romance novels. I have learned in the past that these make me quite bitter and angry for several months. Now, I should not be upset because G-d has protected my heart on so many occasions from being broken in frivolous relationships that would have clearly been dangerous. On the other hand, I tend to throw myself pity parties during/after reading these types of books because I find myself wanting that sort of attention. I want love and a guy to look at me and think: hey, I love this girl so much I want to spend the rest of my life with her. In reality, I think I want the assurance that there is someone committed to me and we pledge and make a binding contract to stay together. Does this really mean that we will live a long happy life married to only each other and be madly in love until we die in each others arms while sleeping one night because we are extremely old and G-d decides to take us home? (run-on, I know. They get worse as my thoughts begin to spill uninterrupted) Absolutely not. I have seen marriages with a firm foundation based on G-d be broken because of unexpected death or a poor decision to sleep with another person in a moment of inappropriate passion and bad judgement. I have witnessed the pain and total brokenness of families and the faces of distraught children over these matters. Marriages that were seen as the model for the church and were expected to go the distance have crumbled. Lives were shattered and pain is left with the rubble.
Having said all that, is it worth it to even desire marriage? I am a pessimist and an analyst. One of my many motto's is: Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. In order to prepare for the worst, I imagine and observe as many bad scenarios as possible so that I can formulate plans of action to avoid or weather the storms that will occur. So, I see the bad that can come from a situation and expect it. I plan for people taking advantage of me (in marriage, friendships, and everywhere). I assume that people get enough of me so that I don't push myself onto people to avoid them becoming burnt out with me. I try to avoid situations that can lead to pain and therefore often just stay at home and refuse human contact. Even still, I have this desire to have a boyfriend. Folks, if you are confused then I apologize, but this even has me at a loss for words. I want something but I don't want it all at the same time. It's like my "heart" and my head are having a war because I know dating is dangerous (logical reasoning from my head) but my heart is wanting to be loved and to feel butterflies and I want to see someone get tongue tied because they find me beautiful and worthy of their love and affection. I want a beau and a husband and children and a family of my own. Yet, the thought of this is terrifying because so much can go wrong.
I started journaling questions that I ask G-d. Recently it's regarding the purpose of marriage, the reason of life, what I am supposed to be doing, and my purpose. Also, why does the Bible mention things like David was handsome and Esther was the most beautiful woman in the land if it also tells us to not see a person's exterior as much as we focus on their actions and what those tell us about their heart? This started because I still have no idea of the purpose of marriage. I asked my friend, who is Catholic, what marriage means to her. She went on and on about how she wants the Cinderella charmed life. I told her that I felt G-d was telling me that there is more and that there is a deeper purpose. She refuted the idea and told me that I over-think everything. While this is true, I don't think I would have this nagging thought that there is something more if there is not something the Ruach Hakodesh (Holy Spirit) is trying to get me to understand. It's such a frustrating feeling but it's also good because I know that He is trying to talk to me and reveal something monumental to me. I'll keep you updated on what He shows me.
Well, enough procrastinating. I have to go start and finish my paper. Major writer's block for academic writings today.
I had a group presentation and it went really well today. We talked about euthanasia... Not a fun subject. My campus also closed down due to weather issues. We were hoping for a snow day all day because the roads were awful. All of a sudden, during other group presentations, someone announces randomly that school was cancelled! (We have a text message system through the school that alerts us of campus closings and everything.) Then they said that the snow day did not start until after our class finished about an hour later. Such disappointment!!! Anyway, I almost had a snow day and nearly got out of my group presentation. Unfortunately, it did not come in time. C'est la vie.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
1 Quiz and 1 Test Down...
1 quiz and 1 test down this week... just 2 more tests and a paper to do and then this week is done.
I took my anatomy lab practical today and I'm really not thinking that I did well. Unfortunately, last week when I had that pointless snow day (because we had less than an inch of snow!), I was supposed to have anatomy lab. That lab was supposed to be about the digestive system. Guess what the test was on? Yes, I did go to the lab make-up, but the instructors teach very differently and I didn't study the cadaver the way I should have. Anyway, the cadaver was tagged for like 7 questions on this test! Talk about freaking me out. I guessed on every single one of those question because I didn't learn that material or the cadaver. So, I think I'm going to get a C on this test which seals my fate of not getting an A or an A- in anatomy. I will likely have to settle for a B or maybe even a C in the class. Am I displaying narcicistic anxiety? Yes, I certainly am because I flip out over grades. When I ended up getting an A- in anatomy last semester, I cried. Not just a little tear drop or two. No, I had another full-fledged bout with depression that lasted about two weeks. No joke! It took half of my winter break to get over that "-" being on my transcripts. I never used to be like this, but when I moved out, I didn't know who I was. School had always been something that I didn't have to try at but I was super good at it. Now, I am nothing, nobody. I don't know what I'm doing or how to get where I need to go because I don't know where I'm going.
Regardless, my first test is done and I can breathe slightly easier.
Daily Thanksgiving: I had a fairly uneventful day. One of my two anatomy tests are done and my psych test is tomorrow. I had a take-home quiz this week instead of having to bomb another quiz in chem. Tomorrow is Wednesday which means I am already half-way done with this week (seeing as I only have school Monday thru Thursday). I got to have breakfast with a very close girl friend of mine and we got to gush about boys. I still find it uncomfortable to talk about this kind of stuff, but I think it's helping me wrap my head around what happened. Also, I got to hang out with my guy friend and he helped me study. Now that I think about it, this day was a pretty good one because G-d got me through in one piece and He is allowing me to survive college!
I took my anatomy lab practical today and I'm really not thinking that I did well. Unfortunately, last week when I had that pointless snow day (because we had less than an inch of snow!), I was supposed to have anatomy lab. That lab was supposed to be about the digestive system. Guess what the test was on? Yes, I did go to the lab make-up, but the instructors teach very differently and I didn't study the cadaver the way I should have. Anyway, the cadaver was tagged for like 7 questions on this test! Talk about freaking me out. I guessed on every single one of those question because I didn't learn that material or the cadaver. So, I think I'm going to get a C on this test which seals my fate of not getting an A or an A- in anatomy. I will likely have to settle for a B or maybe even a C in the class. Am I displaying narcicistic anxiety? Yes, I certainly am because I flip out over grades. When I ended up getting an A- in anatomy last semester, I cried. Not just a little tear drop or two. No, I had another full-fledged bout with depression that lasted about two weeks. No joke! It took half of my winter break to get over that "-" being on my transcripts. I never used to be like this, but when I moved out, I didn't know who I was. School had always been something that I didn't have to try at but I was super good at it. Now, I am nothing, nobody. I don't know what I'm doing or how to get where I need to go because I don't know where I'm going.
Regardless, my first test is done and I can breathe slightly easier.
Daily Thanksgiving: I had a fairly uneventful day. One of my two anatomy tests are done and my psych test is tomorrow. I had a take-home quiz this week instead of having to bomb another quiz in chem. Tomorrow is Wednesday which means I am already half-way done with this week (seeing as I only have school Monday thru Thursday). I got to have breakfast with a very close girl friend of mine and we got to gush about boys. I still find it uncomfortable to talk about this kind of stuff, but I think it's helping me wrap my head around what happened. Also, I got to hang out with my guy friend and he helped me study. Now that I think about it, this day was a pretty good one because G-d got me through in one piece and He is allowing me to survive college!
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
No Snow, Snow Day
Today campus was closed for a second snow day this year! Here's the kicker though, we barely have a centimeter of snow! I think they closed school because of the high wind, but it still seems silly to not have terrible amounts of snow but to still call it a snow day. Whatever! I love that I got my homework done in advance and didn't have to go to class. Unfortunately, it means that I have to make up my anatomy lab, but that probably won't be too bad.
Three tests next week, a paper, and a chem quiz. Plus I have an interview for a scholarship tomorrow and a chem lab quiz on Thursday, but it's really more of a test. The following week, I have one more test, and then the last stretch of school before finals! I am so ready to be done with school, I can't hardly believe I'm almost done with my first year of college. It has been crazy, but so fun and definitely worth all the stress, tears, and struggles. L-rd willing, I will still be saying college was worth it when I graduate in about 3 years.
Also, since I didn't get the RA job, I was stressing out about where to live and who I could room with. Yesterday, my friend that I used to be in a dorm suite with asked if I wanted to live with her! I'm super excited because we got along, we know how to live with each other and she is not someone who is constantly up in my business. She pushes me to do better with people, not procrastinate, and also pushes me to be more athletic (but I am finally starting to enjoy it on my own anyway). Hopefully we can find an apartment that we can afford and L-rd willing we will have a good year next year.
On a totally un-related note, I have decided to do the stair hike again this Saturday. Yes, I will think this is a bad decision again when I show up, but I really enjoy the feeling I have when I get to the top and I need to be able to climb it in under an hour. I am bound and determined to be able to climb this thing close to 30 or 45 minutes by the end of summer. That means practicing at the gym and every Saturday I possibly can.
My love life: Who are we kidding, I don't have a love life.
Daily Thanksgiving: I got a snow day! I was super productive with homework, laundry and straightening my dorm room. I now have a roommate for next year and school is almost done for the year. Also, I got into the community college so that I can take microbio over the summer and drop a 17 credit hour semester down to 13!!! Today, I have so much to be thankful for. Everyday we have so much to be thankful for, today I just have a huge list that is coming to mind.
My tip of the day for nursing school: Look at your necessary classes for your degree early on and plan which classes to take during the summer. If your school offers interim classes that give you 3 credit hours for one week of intense schooling, definitely do it! If you can take summer courses and whittle away at your heavier semesters, definitely do it! Anything to take less classes in one semester is best so that you can study more and keep your grades up without going insane. Trust me, you will go insane anyways, but it's all worth it.
Three tests next week, a paper, and a chem quiz. Plus I have an interview for a scholarship tomorrow and a chem lab quiz on Thursday, but it's really more of a test. The following week, I have one more test, and then the last stretch of school before finals! I am so ready to be done with school, I can't hardly believe I'm almost done with my first year of college. It has been crazy, but so fun and definitely worth all the stress, tears, and struggles. L-rd willing, I will still be saying college was worth it when I graduate in about 3 years.
Also, since I didn't get the RA job, I was stressing out about where to live and who I could room with. Yesterday, my friend that I used to be in a dorm suite with asked if I wanted to live with her! I'm super excited because we got along, we know how to live with each other and she is not someone who is constantly up in my business. She pushes me to do better with people, not procrastinate, and also pushes me to be more athletic (but I am finally starting to enjoy it on my own anyway). Hopefully we can find an apartment that we can afford and L-rd willing we will have a good year next year.
On a totally un-related note, I have decided to do the stair hike again this Saturday. Yes, I will think this is a bad decision again when I show up, but I really enjoy the feeling I have when I get to the top and I need to be able to climb it in under an hour. I am bound and determined to be able to climb this thing close to 30 or 45 minutes by the end of summer. That means practicing at the gym and every Saturday I possibly can.
My love life: Who are we kidding, I don't have a love life.
Daily Thanksgiving: I got a snow day! I was super productive with homework, laundry and straightening my dorm room. I now have a roommate for next year and school is almost done for the year. Also, I got into the community college so that I can take microbio over the summer and drop a 17 credit hour semester down to 13!!! Today, I have so much to be thankful for. Everyday we have so much to be thankful for, today I just have a huge list that is coming to mind.
My tip of the day for nursing school: Look at your necessary classes for your degree early on and plan which classes to take during the summer. If your school offers interim classes that give you 3 credit hours for one week of intense schooling, definitely do it! If you can take summer courses and whittle away at your heavier semesters, definitely do it! Anything to take less classes in one semester is best so that you can study more and keep your grades up without going insane. Trust me, you will go insane anyways, but it's all worth it.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
College Snow Day!!!
I woke up, knowing school was delayed. Then, school texted me saying school is cancelled. This is a good day, the first college snow day of my career!
Last night, I fell asleep listening to a bunch of people having a snow-ball fight down on the turf. A bunch of my friends also went "backwards laundry basket sledding". I didn't necessarily think I would say this, but college is so fun! We get even 3 inches, and people turn into children again. Or, if given bubbles, playdough, coloring books, or any number of children's entertainment items, we go nuts. I love that because I am the same way, but my "friends" used to look at me like I needed some serious help, because I am normally so serious. There are now people who understand me here, I have never really had that (except with adults) and I love it.
Daily Thanksgiving: So far (it's only 8 a.m.), and I have been up for about an hour), I am thankful for snow, and the fact that G-d answered my prayers for a snow day. Also, I am thankful for silly college students that are mature normally, but act like kids the second anything happens that reminds them of childhood.
Last night, I fell asleep listening to a bunch of people having a snow-ball fight down on the turf. A bunch of my friends also went "backwards laundry basket sledding". I didn't necessarily think I would say this, but college is so fun! We get even 3 inches, and people turn into children again. Or, if given bubbles, playdough, coloring books, or any number of children's entertainment items, we go nuts. I love that because I am the same way, but my "friends" used to look at me like I needed some serious help, because I am normally so serious. There are now people who understand me here, I have never really had that (except with adults) and I love it.
Daily Thanksgiving: So far (it's only 8 a.m.), and I have been up for about an hour), I am thankful for snow, and the fact that G-d answered my prayers for a snow day. Also, I am thankful for silly college students that are mature normally, but act like kids the second anything happens that reminds them of childhood.
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