Decisions for My Future

Today I got a call from Big Time Hospital that I have been wanting for months. Unfortunately, I already took a job at Small Town Hospital due to family connections... the HR lady sounded really disappointed. I'm really disappointed.

The pros and cons keep going on and on in my head. The little hospital will provide me with an in already, I have friends and will make many others, I have family in the nearby vicinity, and housing costs vs. pay ratio is in my favor. However, the cons to little town hospital are that the new grad program is not as in depth, our sickest babies get shipped to big town hospital, and family is in the nearby vicinity.

Yes, I know family is in the pros and cons list. The side of the family in this particular state is full of undiagnosed bipolar (type 2) people, who are being treated for depression. This means that they go manic when they are on a new med and then they stop taking said med once they feel like they are on top of the world. Good heavens, family functions are quite the event to be at and witness various people in their varying degrees of bipolar fluctuations!

Anywho, the pros for Big Time Hospital include: better pay, intensive new grad program, higher acuity NICU, bigger town, more attractions in the city, prettier part of the state, closer to the beach, being a part of a major health care system, being farther away from family than a 20 minutes commute (or seeing them at small town hospital for work every day...). Cons include: higher cost of living, bigger town = too many people, these hospitals are in the major city (no country living for me), I have no aquaintances, I don't even have the job yet the call was just to schedule an interview, and I have no family around that would be closer than a 4-6 hour drive.

Now, I talked to the lady and she said I could potentially always just apply there after I have a few years under my belt. I think that will help me secure the basics before learning the more in depth ICU care like long-term vents, and various higher tech stuff. I miss out on the new grad education, but I learn better hands-on anyway. Plus, with my immediate family having fallen apart this weekend (I'll update you in a later post), I think it would be good to have some kind of support to go and talk to. Best part about it, my Mema is part of the care team for the babies so I don't even have to worry about breaking HIPAA rules as long as it is out of the vicinity of others hearing. I can tell her everything and she gets it because she'll be right there next to me. I also have my great-aunt who is the DON (director of nursing) for the floor and I'm going to talk to her about getting some time in Labor and Delivery and cross-training there.

You know, the more I talk this out with you, the better I'm coming to realize that Small Town Hospital is closer to where I need to be. People have a small-town attitude there, and not the hoity-toity nonsense that comes with Big Town. I can go to Big Town to visit, but don't have to stay there. Then, if I decide to be a travel nurse, I could always do an assignment there just to see how it is and then I'll be getting paid more too!

Thanks pal, you helped me turn my minor disappointment into a silver lining. Plus, it's great to know that Big Town Hospital thought highly enough of me to even give me a call for an interview. That means that I didn't get this job just because of family connections. Instead, I got it based on the fact that they actually think I can do it.

Thank you L-rd!

Life Goes On

I survived both/all three? first year anniversaries from my assaults. I write both, because it was over two days. I put three, because there were three assaults.

Anywho, I survived them. Yesterday was hard, but I made myself eat (dinner...), I used my essential oils, I had a glass of wine, Roomie and I made a list of 10 reasons why I am better off without exboyfriend, I bought myself flowers, and I skipped the class I could (peds) and did the things I absolutely had to do (world religions). Then, after all that, I woke up this morning. I may have struggled yesterday, and today, but now my two days of anniversaries are done and life will go on for awhile longer... unfortunately.

Today in counseling, we discussed how I probably don't need to be going in very much anymore. I'm cutting down to once a week next week. I know that counseling is only supposed to be temporary, to get you able to survive in life alone again, but I'm sad that this season is coming to a close. Counselor asked what else I felt like I needed to work on and I couldn't think of anything. I mentioned self-esteem, but we determined I am way better in that department than I was ever before in my life... I brought up rational thought and confidence, and we determined I was growing well in those areas as well... I'm becoming more assertive, setting boundaries, and I'm learning how to cope with my traumatic past. She told me she thinks I'm graduated from PTSD to post-traumatic growth. Look it up, I guess it's a real thing.

I saw it mentioned on some documentary that I woke up to, because I sleep with my television on. The psychiatrist on the documentary was saying that post-traumatic growth is being able to be better than baseline after your healing begins after a trauma.

So, imagine your life at baseline. You have a traumatic event and it plummets you past the deepest valley you could ever imagine for yourself. You are suspected to be in post-traumatic growth when you slowly work back up to your baseline (before your trauma) but then somehow surpass that level.

I was reading somewhere online that mentioned that post-traumatic growth can be suspected (that sounds negative, but it's actually a really good thing) when: you find joy in the smaller things in life, stressful things don't phase you as much, you can reflect on your traumatic experiences and they don't completely floor you, you are happy again or happier than you were before (because you understand the value of life), and there were others but I cannot find the article nor can I fully remember. But, whatever the points were, I met them all!

Yes, each day is still full of triggers and many days are a huge struggle, but I get through them and don't stay in bed all day! I am beginning to look forward for my future again, and I am beginning to forgive myself and understand that I could have done nothing to make the situation better. It wasn't my fault. This understanding is still very much a struggle most days, but I'm believing it more days than not.

I have a hope. I have a future. I have a life to live and people to prove wrong. I have guys to give the biggest middle finger to of living a life they told me I could never live.

Counselor and I discussed how I feel guilty but also relieved to say that I hate these guys. I hate what they did to me. I hate that they ruined my life. I hate that they have no traumatic aftermath and I have no permanent healing ever, for the rest of my life!

These fuckers destroyed my life, fucked up my brain, invaded my body in the most brutal of ways, and my life will never be the same. I'll never be innocent again. I will never get back what they stole. There is a good chance I will never get justice.

So, living my life the way they told me I never could is my best payback. L-rd, give me a loving, kind, gracious, wonderful husband that shows me the way ladies and people are supposed to be loved! L-rd, provide me with the sweetest, most beautiful, kind, smart, wonderful, blessed children! L-rd, bless me in my nursing career and pave the way for me wherever I may go! Open doors that I never dreamed were possible, even when I was completely "pure" and not polluted by the pure evil these assholes forced upon me. L-rd, show Satan that he does not win by blessing my life and allowing me to live ridiculously joyfully and happy for the rest of my life! L-rd, redeem me and give me justice! Most of all, L-rd, do not turn your back on me. Do not leave me or forget me. Remember the things I've had to survive and give me years of peach, joy, happiness, excitement (only good excitement), love, contentment, and absolute bliss.

Baruch HaShem! Bless you L-rd for all you've done for me so far and heal my heart, my body, and my mind oh L-rd.

Ultrasound Results

I would like to start out saying that I went to a nurse practitioner hoping for more "nursey" care because I have had bad experiences with doctors in the past. This may not have been a wise choice. I understand that she is busy but after being intensely peppered with questions for 5 minutes, being belittled in that short time, then having results read on my voicemail by a receptionist and requesting to talk to the NP and her refusing to talk to me and only answering questions through an MA, I am beyond frustrated. Sorry for the long-winded run-on but that's how I talk when I get super excited or super frustrated. I am so frustrated.

Anyway, I got the results and the NP says that I have a "simple cyst" on my right ovary and that I will need to get another ultrasound in 2-3 months. That is the exact sentence she gave the receptionist (who has a very heavy accent, might I add, and it was barely discernable) to tell me. Freaking out, because I have no idea what that means, I call back and ask to speak to the NP. No, I'm not allowed to right then but they will put a note in my chart and the MA offered to answer what questions she could and then she would have the NP call me later. The answers were not comforting at all and only left me with more questions. Why are you guys waiting so long? Is this serious? Why is nothing else happening? Why is such a passive approach being taken when this could effect my Childbearing abilities? I mean, it's my frickin' ovary!!!

I called Mom to let her know and so I could lose it a little bit. She suggested calling Mema because Mema has been a nurse for awhile and she focuses on Post Partum and NICU. Why didn't I even think of that?! So after explaining everything that's going on, she told me that it might make having kids a little harder because of the ovulation cycle going from one ovary to the other, but she says I will likely be able to have kids because it's just one ovary being effected. She told me what else to look for and what symptoms to expect. She just explained everything and calmed me down so well and in nurse talk and true nurse fashion. Mema is just so fantastic, I am so blessed!

Next day the same MA calls back that I had talked to the previous day and she tells me the NP won't talk to me and she reiterates what the NP had already had read to me the day before on my voicemail. At this point I am beyond livid. Needless to say, I should have cancelled my Well Woman exam right then but I had left class to take the call and didn't want to waste any more time fighting with them. I'll do that another day, though, because she is obviously too busy to have me as a patient. I will also be filling out a review for her because it was not okay the way she treated me.


Do y'all remember me telling you that I thought I may have type 2 Bipolar disorder? Well, one of my cousins was recently diagnoses with it and then one of my dad's cousins (one of his favorites, no less) was recently diagnosed with it too after years of searching for answers and treatment. Mema tells me that in our family, it is passed from father to daughter and mother to son. She suspects I have it because I told her my symptoms and how I went hypomanic after finally taking some herbs to treat my depression. I may end up passing it on to my son, if I have sons, and I want 2-3.

Knowing medical/health stuff is such a blessing but occasionally it's a bit of a downer. Still, I would rather know and then be able to better plan from there than go in blind and wonder what certain outcomes meant.

Intense Weekend, I Could Have Died

I spilled the beans to Boyfriend yesterday about the ultrasound. I am not sure if I started it the right way, but I said everything I wanted to say and left out what I shouldn't have said, like about breaking up with him if it's really bad.

He took it like a champ. I think he saw that I was terrified and he knows I don't cry (hardly ever and NEVER in front of anyone else) but a couple tears threatened to stream down my face. He hugged me and I was able to hide it, so I thought, but he told me it was okay for me to cry. He's a worrier too, and I am not used to relying on anyone else for strength, but somehow I can with him and he stayed strong for me and encouraged me. He told me that we would go through this together and I believe that he will/would stick with me through whatever this is. That's new for me. I'm used to being the strength for my friends and for being there for them through/at doctor appointments and scary life things. I am not equipped to let someone else do that for me but I had one friend come with me to my ultrasound and I spilled my fears to her afterwards. I laid it all out on the table with Boyfriend. Mom has gotten all of the information from the very beginning for stuff that I never talk to anyone about.

When I was on my way to his new house this weekend with Roommate in the passenger's seat next to me, we hit black ice. We were on a paved country highway, I was going about 10 mph under the speed limit and we had just passed a few on-coming cars on the two lane highway (one lane each way). I corrected the car successfully about 3-4 times before we did a 180 and ended up in a ditch backwards. If we had been 10 feet further down the road we would have rolled the car and fell off a 15 foot drop off. If we had been a minute earlier we would have hit the oncoming car and I could have killed both of us and whoever was in that car. If we had been a minute later, we would have gotten hit by a semi truck. Roommate's step-dad and cousin were at their house and they came pulled us out. If they had been looking out of their window, they could have watch the entire thing! That's how close we were to them. Praise the L-rd for His hand on us and the scare of a lifetime but support seconds away. When I got back to their house I decided not to continue on to boyfriend's house and the L-rd whispered to my heart that He wasn't going to let me die just yet. With the health scare I am currently going through, that was surprisingly comforting for the moment and I was able to sleep through the night really well when I hadn't hardly slept the night before.

Last night at work I kind of helped save my patient's life! He was on an IV of 125 mL/hr and had not voided for about 12-18 hours because the doctor had the catheter pulled the day before. This is not logical to me but whatever. The pt has dementia and was combative. When I arrived he started coughing with a really wet cough and spitting out what he coughed up. The nurse was notified and he kept suctioning the pt but did nothing besides that. I had just learned about fluid overload in class so I already had my suspicions. Almost every patient on the floor last night was off the wall! There were bed alarms going off all the time and a bunch of sitter patients without sitters because we just didn't have enough staff and yet we were over staffed according to hospital parameters.

As the night progressed I kept pointing out the cough to my nurse and I kept sitting the patient up so that he could clear his throat, but he should have been NPO because he can't swallow right now. I pointed that out and it was dismissed. At about 0400 I checked the pt's O2 sat because I was curious how he was doing, even though I had just taken vitals an hour before. His O2 was 75%! I called the nurse and was told to slap 2L on him. He went up to 86% so I called again. Half an hour later another nurse comes in and tells me to turn it up. 4L only got him to 89% for a moment and then he started desat-ing really quickly. I run to grab a non-rebreather and cranked it up to 15L but that still only held him at 86-89% with me telling him to cough over and over.

Also at about 0400 we did a bladder scan and it showed he had 1000 mL+ of urine in his bladder. The nurse was called but he didn't come in until 0500. 1600 mL drained in a matter of minutes! The nurse was not in for the rest of the night to check on him even though I had continued to report things and the other CNA's (all of which are nursing students and there were 3 more CNA's in addition to me) told him they thought the pt was fluid overloaded. Nothing got done. When the day shift nurse came on she started to do stuff but quickly got pulled away to another emergency so the day CNA/sitter came in and we took over. She is a student nurse too so we called respiratory therapy and the RT that came up was impressed that two CNA's/Nursing Students handled everything the way that we had and we had gotten to the bottom of it when our nurses were too busy with other stuff.

Thinking back, I should have reported a lot more to my RN or gone to the charge, but it didn't occur to me to do so in the moment. I take a lot of the blame for my pt last night decompensating so much, but if I had not been in nursing school and hadn't checked his O2 an hour after vitals (normally spaced 4 hours apart) then it would have been so much worse. So, I go back and forth between believing it was my fault and being frustrated that I was not listened to. I will trust myself more next time and try to better advocate for my patient. He made it through the night and I am so beyond grateful that the L-rd taught me everything I needed to know in class before experiencing what I did last night. I'll have to tell my professor and clinical instructor about it tomorrow.

Talking to mom this morning, I learned she was diagnosed with endometriosis at about my age. I don't know why she didn't tell me before today, it would have been a handy bit of info about a month ago when I called her with my symptoms... Oh well. She told me she wasn't supposed to be able to have kids. I asked if that made her happy when she found out she was pregnant with me because I had grown up feeling guilty and thinking that I ruined her big life plans because she had a baby and then got married because I was born. She told me she was so excited and very shocked because she didn't think it could happen. I've been crying all day because it was the first time I realized that she wanted me from the very beginning and I have no reason to feel guilty about being born. I don't think I've cried so much since Country Boy died and that's be a year on March 30. Well, except maybe when I had a breakdown last semester and started hyperventilating, but that was still about Country Boy. I cried hardcore for at least 2 hours that day and then it was a pretty constant threat of the damn breaking and me crying at any point after that for a couple days.

She wanted me from the very start. She says I am a miracle because wasn't supposed to get pregnant. Then the doctors wanted her to abort because they thought I had a brain tumor and I wasn't supposed to live past 2. I've been in countless situations where I was supposed to die but I always come out without a scratch. Not even a single broken bone (well, my clavicle was broken when I was born but it fixed up real quick and I can't even tell). I could have died in the near crash this weekend but didn't. The L-rd kept me alive through at least 5 suicide attempts and the last one I had taken 50 pills that were either half ibuprofen and half acetaminophen or all acetaminophen, I can't remember. I know that 10 acetaminophen ended a girl, who was my age when I tried it, in the hospital and she was sicker than a dog when she was brought into the ER. The worst thing that happened to me is that I would sleep for about 14 hours and then wake up really tired.

I don't know why G-d is keeping me around, nor do I understand why He performs so many huge miracles for me all the time, but I'm sure glad He does. He whispered to my heart that he has big plans for me but in true G-d fashion, He won't tell me what those are. That makes me laugh though, every time.





Oh, and Nurse Dee, I don't know if you got my comment on your comment awhile back but I sure wish I could hug you. I don't like giving hugs but I give them to special people. We don't know each other in person, but you are such a blessing to me. Thank you for your continued encouragement and sound advice! I think I have found the balance, for now, between being a little bit worried and keeping busy. I will keep you updated and I will email you if something happens that I need extra support on. Thank you Nurse Dee, I truly appreciate your kindness and support through this past year or two. It means so much to me.

Labs Came Back

Do y'all remember how I told you I got my blood drawn (twice) when I went to the nurse practitioner (NP) the other day? They finally called back and told me everything was normal. That means:

I have no STD's... DUH!!! I pretty much told the NP that but she didn't believe me.
My thyroid is okay.
They said nothing about me being anemic but I would like copies of all my labs so that I can look over my CBC and whatever else she ordered for myself. Yay for nursing school teaching me what labs mean!

Meanwhile, we have no leads of what is wrong with me so I am going to an ultrasound tomorrow afternoon, after clinicals, to see if they can find anything.

I might inform you guys of my symptoms at a later date but I've only told my mom, NP, and one friend who we share darn near everything with each other and normally I wouldn't even tell my mom let alone anyone else! I'm just that private, sorry. However, I am working on sharing more with more people. I will tell you, however, I am legitimately concerned I have cancer because we had a family friend who had many of the same symptoms and she had breast cancer. I have no lumps, but I'm still very concerned.

I told Boyfriend, before I went to the NP, that I thought I had cancer and he just laughed and hugged me. Awww! I think he'll do just fine and I actually felt comforted. My mom had already received the call of me crying without her knowing it, though, about a week or two before I told him because I really wasn't going to tell him unless they found something. There must be something wrong with my filter though, because it just spilled out. I didn't tell him why I was going, but just that I thought I had cancer. He's great, and getting even better, at talking me down from freaking out.

Death Folder

Since about middle school, I have been thinking about how I would want my funeral executed, if I would want artificial life support, etc, etc. Until last weekends funeral, I had not really discussed much of this with my parents. Since then I have decided to put together a death folder. I've already made a Pinterest board with basics of my funeral ceremony and I started documenting my accounts, passwords, and other information that may be important in the case of my demise.

Why am I planning for my death before I have even turned 21? I have no clue but I have always felt this pull to make sure it was planned, so I am preparing everything and getting it to my parent's house and my brother.

So far I have a will that I made from a template from the internet, a letter describing my wishes for my funeral, and a paper with the usernames and passwords to all my accounts. That's it. I need to sign a DNR and get the other legal stuff taken care of but that sounds terribly boring and time-consuming. It'll get done, hopefully by summer.

Any ideas of what else to put in it? I plan on writing a letter to my parents and brother. Then I can add on other letters if there happens to be a special guy in my life or anyone else I believe truly needs a letter.

Confessions of a College Prude, Part 1

So I recently tried hookah. Before you go off and tell me it's a bad idea and causes cancer and blah, blah, blah, just wait because I know. I glanced at the evidence based articles before and after. They all say it's a bad idea. Okay, I know.

Anyway, I tried it because I am full of bad ideas and my brother and his roommates have all the stuff. I find it pointless. We only had the "herbal" stuff in it so there is not supposed to be a high or anything and I didn't get high. There wasn't tobacco or weed in it either, don't worry. I'm just confused why it's even a thing if there is no drug effect.

I am not supporting the use of illegal or legal drugs just to get "high" or whatever other effect they may have besides for medical purposes (yes, I know that is worded poorly, but I only advocate using prescription drugs for their intended purposes and not abusing them. That's what I wanted to say but couldn't...) But, why spend all this money just to have smoke enter your lungs?

Maybe it is just me, but I don't like doing things that don't have an apparent purpose. Therefore, personally, smoking hookah does not seem logical. If you have weed in it then you will get high. Okay, it makes sense why people do that. If you have tobacco in it then... you get a little buzz? I don't know why you do tobacco, but people have been smoking cigars/cigarettes for years so there must be something that they like in those so okay, they are getting some kind of physiological effect. Are they having no "drug" in the hookah and partaking in the smoking just to do tricks with their exhaled smoke? This seems pointless. Again, I'm not trying to attack anyone, I'm just trying to understand reasoning.

Any information that you are willing to contribute to my knowledge will be greatly appreciated!

Joys of Night Shift

As I've recently mentioned, I am now working in the hospital! Actually, I'm in a float pool between a few hospitals and I work primarily as a patient sitter.

I like this new job. Actually, I was scared about it because when I first got my CNA job in the long term are facility, life SUCKED! Oh man, they hazed me and I had to get used to patients with sun-downers and dementia and all sorts of other nuances that come with elderly care. This new job, however, allows me to typically focus on just one patient. Occasionally, I have multiple patients, but still it is never really more than 4-5.

Last night I was in charge of two patients. Both were conked out pretty hard because they had busy days and a few nights of hardly any sleep preceeding that. Yay! That means loads of time to read. Seriously, have I mentioned how much I love this job? On top of all that I get a differential for being float pool, a differential for working over night, and holiday pay of time and a half. Dude, is this for real?!

Anywho, last night was fine. I had to sit in the hall between both patient's rooms and there was another cluster of three patients requiring another sitter directly next to mine. Super! I got to have company all night long. We were talking most of the night when we started to hear some odd noises in one of the patient rooms. Neither of us were assigned to that particular room, but it just happened to be in our territory. We ignored the sounds because it didn't sound like the pt was in pain or scared or needed anything. As time went on, however, we started hearing grunts. They got louder and some groans were mixed in. Sheets were heard rustling and the patient got louder and louder. My CNA buddy and I peeked in and the patient was (in her words) "jerking off"!!! Oh my goodness! He knew we were outside the door because he called to us periodically throughout our shift for water or help going to the bathroom or what-have-you.

I wish I could un-hear that whole thing. My innocence is being stolen from me and I can't do anything to prevent it. I can't get it back and I seriously think I'm scarred from this whole experience.

Yikes. Well, at least I have not yet encountered patients any more physically intimate than just making out (they were dementia patients). Good news, though, I had some serious comic relief last night after I got over the initial shock and laughed so ridiculously hard for about 10 minutes I was crying.  Plus, I now have all sorts of fun stories and memories to make me laugh for a lifetime and I've only been a CNA for a year and a half. Just wait until I've been a nurse for my whole life!

Millions of Applications

Guys, I got a new job!!! It has been a crazy day. Let's start the story with last Wednesday.

Last Wednesday I decided to check my CNA email after not having checked it for a couple of weeks and I haven't worked there in almost a month. Turns out I got an email asking me to come in for an interview. No big deal, because I have filled out an application for literally hundreds of CNA positions in the past year and a half in an attempt to get into the hospital. So I replied and got a spot for Monday (today).

I go in today, the interview is going well. Turns out that one of the interviewers started out as a CNA at a dementia care facility while she was attending nursing school, just like me! At the end of the interview she said that she couldn't think of any reason why I wouldn't get the job. "I mean, you pretty much have the job." What!?! I have never had an interview end with a job offer!

A couple of hours later HR contacted me and emailed me the new hire paperwork and that's it. That's the whole story. I got an interview and a new job all in one day. I never thought much of the request for an interview but oh man, I'm just floored. One of the interviewer (the lady that was a CNA with dementia pts) even gave me a hug at the end! Ya, it was amazing.

I will be a patient sitter in the floar pool between a couple of hospitals. This is a CNA job and they will also be training me to be a CNA on the floor too, just in case they need CNA's instead of just sitters. I will be able to go onto just about any floor besides peds, Mother/Baby, and NICU but that's okay. I will also be working nights which I'm slightly concerned about with school and my school scheduling... but maybe they will let me move to days soon.

The only thing that could make this day better would be to hear from my NICU interview and have them offer me a summer job in the NICU... Miracles happen daily for me and for everyone, you just have to be looking.

Praise the L-rd! He got me a job I didn't even expect and I am so excited for the many opportunities I will be given with this job and being able to go to almost every floor in the hospital.

Summer is Approaching!

To finish this whole posting fest off, let's end on some super exciting news!

This summer has the potential to be absolutely amazing.

My Mema is a NICU nurse. Her sister, also a nurse, is the manager or something of one of the NICU's down where my Mema lives. Mema has talked to her sister and she has offered me the opportunity to go down and shadow some of the NICU nurses on the unit to see if that is actually something I want to do when I graduate!!! Oh my goodness, YES! I am so excited for this opportunity I cannot even express it. G-d blesses me in the most wonderful ways it's completely mind boggling. So, I hope to go stay with my Mema for a few weeks and maybe even shadow her a day or two. I would be so honored to be able to follow her and watch her be in her element because nursing is where I feel the most comfortable and where I feel I actually make sense. I know that's super cheesy, but I don't fit in hardly anywhere, unless I'm in the nursing role. That's what G-d has put on my heart and I am blessed to have found where I am most comfortable.

My Mema is also taking us camping this summer! We are going with both of my dad's brothers and their families the way we used to when I was little. I haven't been able to go for the past few years due to work, but I am totally going this year. I love camping and can't wait to go fishing and be in the water with all of the E. coli, fish pee, and other fun stuff seen in the wild. I'm not even being sarcastic, I know it sounds weird, but my mind is constantly stuck on the science stuff...

I'm also down 11 lbs. now and hope to be able to wear shorts and tank tops on this camping trip. I finally have a destination to set my goal for for weight loss. I want to be tan, able to wear a normal bathing suit, and ready for all sorts of fun this summer.

I'm praying that the L-rd blesses me with a hospital job. If not, then I'll just work a few days a week, just enough to pay bills and have some spending money, and then I am going to rest and have fun the rest of my break. For the past several years I have not had the luxury of having a fun summer, but I am bound and determined to have a good time this year.

I want to go tubing down a river, hiking, swimming with the kids I nanny for, maybe on a road trip to the beach, camping (a lot), and anything else that sounds fun at a particular moment. I also need a list of really great books. Do y'all have any suggestions?

Several Rants, So I Broke Them Up

Folks, I have so much to say it's ridiculous. In order to decrease confusion r/t my long-windedness, I have decided to makes several posts, each labeled with their main topic. That way, you can easily navigate the page and not read my whole entire weeks novel just to get past what you weren't interested in, to get to what you were...

I apologize for today because this blog has turned into more of a diary as apposed to an actually helpful nursing blog. I'm hoping that useful stuff will happen to me regarding nursing school soon, starting next semester, but this semester is all about theory and YAWN!

So, the formatting on my actual blog may be kinda strange. Don't pay attention to the times it says that the posts were posted because I am trying to put this one first, which requires me to do some finagling with the times. Also, I love the word finagling.

Let's get this party started! A lot happened to me this week...

MTV's "Scrubbing In"

I have not personally seen this show because I do not have cable. However, several people are saying that it is highly offensive to nurses and it is perpetuating a negative stereotype of the profession. So, I advise watching the show whether it is on t.v. or on the internet somehow in order to make your own about the show. If you find that it is offensive to nurses, please, sign this petition to get the show cancelled. If not, then don't worry about it. :)

I believe in taking a stand for what you believe in but I also believe that everyone should make their own informed decisions. I also believe that nurses deserve respect because they do so much that is behind the scenes, nobody can possibly understand all that they do for their patients.

Dansko Shoe Giveaway!

Dansko shoes are amazing. Period. If you know nurses, they likely have a pair or two. Hairdressers (my mom is one) love them, too. Really, anyone who has to be on their feet ever, should probably wear these shoes because 1) they help save your feet, legs, back, and well-being, 2) they have cute styles, 3) their warranty and customer service rock! I'm all about good customer service.

Click here and fill out the little survey. This will enter you for the chance to win a free pair of shoes that are normally very expensive, but totally worth the investment.

Syringes!!!

Guys, we got to play with syringes and injections today!!! Oh man, you have no idea how excited I am especially because we didn't even know that we would get to do that today. We didn't really get to give any injections, we just practiced reconstituting a powdered injection. I worked with my 2 best gals who will be named N and E for now. E was one of the pre-nursing students that I met last year because they lived in the dorm room next to my guy friends. N is a girl that I met the first day of class and the three of us just kinda stick together now, it's perfect! I just wish N was in our lab group for BHA, but she is in the same lab room at the same time so I'm sure we can all work together anyway.

Back to the subject: they were trying to get the liquid out of one vial to put it into the vial containing the powdered "medicine" (it was fake just to help us practice) but they didn't know how to get the liquid out because you can't just pull it out with the syringe due to the lack of pressure because the vial is completely sealed. Long story short, I talked them through putting air into the syringe and then into the vial to get the liquid moved. Then, I talked them through the safety cap when they handed me the original cap. I proceeded to explain why you don't put the original cap on and 30 seconds later the teacher explained it to the class (he hadn't heard me). They both looked at me and started laughing because I knew all this stuff. Folks, I felt so smart being able to talk them through that simple little task. With this fun little exercise and actually beginning assessment lab yesterday, I am on cloud 9 right now with nursing school and as the knowledge increases, I get more and more excited for what comes next. I know it gets harder, but it will get more fun and exciting too.

I hope you guys like getting the updates about all of these silly little things that happen during nursing school because I looked through so many blogs looking for info like this but I didn't find anything. I know I am not so great at telling stories, but hey, it just reinforces that I need to be a nurse and not a writer, right? Give me feedback please about if you like what I'm writing or if you want me to go over other things. I appreciate any help anyone is willing to give me. :)

Nursing School is Finally Starting to Sink in!!!

Today was the first day of Basic Health Assessment lab. Let me tell you, I am finally starting to realize that I am in nursing school. The first two weeks was all talk and it makes it seem like I'm in the wrong career path. Finally having BHA lab for the first time, though, has reassured me that this occupation suits me. We learned all about stuff I had already learned in CNA school and what I had learned at the medical clinic I volunteer at, so it wasn't a whole lot of new info and it wasn't particularly exciting. That is okay by me, though, because it just makes school that much easier right now. Anywho, I am starting to do nursing stuff and we are learning assessment. CNA's don't do assessment which means that I am finally breaking free from being "just an aide."

Now, let's talk about that. I have heard so many people refer to nurses as "just a nurse." Even more people refer to aides as "just an aide." I have even caught myself doing it when I am talking about my own career or when someone asks me if I'm a nurse, I respond: "No, I'm just an aide." Folks, this should not be. My CNA schooling was only a month long course, but in that month I learned so much! I learned (and continue to learn) even more every day. Plus, I deal with the poop, pee, vomit, behaviors, punching, yelling, screaming, biting, scratching, and torture that is the care role of a Nurse Aide. Don't get me wrong, I do love the people I care for, but being a CNA is not even a little bit easy, especially in a nursing home where you are paid significantly less than you would be in a hospital setting. So to be referring to any aide as "just a CNA," is not giving our job and our title justice. How much more truth is there to saying that about an actual RN? Nursing school is BRUTAL!!! Learning how to be a nurse after graduation can be just as bad if not worse. Therefore, please work with me to stop ourselves from referring to ourselves or any other nurses as "just a nurse." We don't say, "he's just an engineer" or "they're just a dentist" or "she's just a lawyer," so why should we say "they're just a nurse?" (I was not trying to attach a specific gender to any particular occupation, I apologize if I sounded like ladies cannot be engineers or guys cannot be lawyers, that was not my intention.)

Off to do my homework: completing an assessment at home... My poor brother gets to be assessed every week, but he's a good guinea pig.

Daily Thanksgiving: My BHA and Foundations of Nursing teachers (same lady) is so adorable, funny, and kind. Also, I was able to make it into her BHA lab instead of having a different instructor for lab! She is allowing us to take open book tests online too!!! Ya, that took away a ton of stress (I dislike tests, I'm not so good at them.) Today is over and tomorrow I have 2 simple classes. The third week of school is blowing by! If only the bad stuff could always go by this quickly but the fun stuff could slow down so I can savor it... G-d has showed me 2 churches to go to and I am going to start the 2nd church this week. It is a college group and so I hope it is talking about deeper stuff that is more relevant to us instead of the typical, simpler Sunday morning messages I keep getting (I go Saturday nights but it's the same message.)

So true!

I ain't bashing other professions (everybody works hard for their money), I just thought the description of my job and future nurse work was spot on!


Also, I found a blog with a cute post of 10 nursing diagnosis for student nurses. Read it if you get a chance. All of them are so true and it's only my 3rd week of nursing school... The only thing that is not correct for me is anything about coffee. I don't drink coffee, but I may be picking up that habit somewhere down the road when schooling gets crazier.

Incredible Words of Encouragement

I went out to dinner the other night with a dear friend and my mentor. She also just happens to be the lady that I babysit for. My goodness she is such a blessing!

She takes time out of her ridiculously busy schedule to ask me to dinner and sit talking with me for 2 hours. Not to mention, the drive to come to this dinner is 30 minutes from her home. Never have I really had someone speak over my life like she has. She encourages me, makes me cry with her kindness, and lets me know when I'm being silly and need to not do something. For someone who does not trust easily, I very much trust her (as much as I can trust a person) and I feel I would do anything for her. In fact, I almost postponed going to college so that I could stay at her house and help her with her 4 amazing kids through a very difficult journey for their family. If you don't have someone like this in your life, you need to start praying for them now! G-d speaks straight to my heart through her so much I can't even tell you. I don't even mention things in my life and somehow He tells her and she brings it up and talks me through it. She is my mentor, a very dear friend and someone I aspire to be like when I grow up.

Something she has recently brought to my attention is the fact that I don't trust anyone/anything, I worry (even more than I thought, surprising, I know!), and I am at my best when I am serving (as observed by others, not just me).

The trust thing was new for me. It encompasses why I refuse the flu shot. I don't trust that this silly vaccine, that comes out every year, is supposed to do me any good. In fact, there is some data suggesting that it is actually harmful. So, what's the truth? I don't want to get it, but my G-d is bigger than anyone trying to harm me, so if it is required, is it worth it to just get the stupid shot? If it is meant for harm, G-d can make it completely unharmful. Even knowing this, is it okay to submit and accept the vaccine just to get a different job in a hospital? I would only do it until I can move somewhere else that is still allowing us to make our decisions freely and not bullying us into injecting toxins and "inactive" viruses into our arms or snuffing said "inactive" viruses up our nose in the name of health. This is America after all, but less and less is able to be up to us... Still, I understand that I chose this profession and that means possibly accepting all of the terms of the job, including this flu shot. I'm still at a fork in this road. I have no clue what to do because I hate to back down after fighting so hard to not get the shot. Not because of pride, just because I don't trust that this vaccine is in my best interest. More on this later...

In other news, school starts in a week and this week is packed for me! I work 7 shifts (3 doubles and an evening shift) at my CNA job and I also begin my new IT job on campus this week. I also have to order books and pray that they come in before I have to start my classes because I was thinking I would get my financial aid refund check this last Friday but that didn't happen... So, I'm freaking out about rent, books, and the millions of other things I have to do this week to get ready for this next crazy semester of school.

Thoughtful Thursday! “Giving Birth Is A Natural Process…”

Thoughtful Thursday! “Giving Birth Is A Natural Process…”

Very true. Still doesn't firm up my beliefs about birth control yet, though.

Why am I even thinking about birth control? I don't even have a boyfriend yet...

Thoughtful Thursday! “…There’s A Beautiful Natural Birth Going On Here….”

Thoughtful Thursday! “…There’s A Beautiful Natural Birth Going On Here….”

1) Does this not happen often enough that it is somewhat of a special occasion when it does?

2) I am actually very happy that the OB was so cool about having a natural birth and even showed support for a natural birth by doing this.

3) I wonder how I would have responded... It seems like such a stressful, private moment to bring a kid into the world. Would I want a whole huge bunch of people standing in the room staring at the wrong end of me?

The Days When I'm Not a Nurse: How to be the Perfect Patient (a link up)

The Days When I'm Not a Nurse: How to be the Perfect Patient (a link up): This month's theme is actually inspired by one of my favorite readers' comments in May's nurse link up. She said, "I thin...


Another cute post. Yes, I am procrastinating, that's why you are getting more posts today. I actually have 2 tests today and a comprehensive final on Friday, none of which I am ready for and all of them are for Micro. I'll keep you posted on grades, but I don't think I can pass Micro with anything better than a B because of my slacking and life circumstances (i.e. the fire evacuation and moving). But, no excuses! My grades are my fault and I am very bless that G-d got them up to where they are.

Enjoy!