All Sorts of Relationsips

Should I give the good or bad news first? I guess they're both sort of good, but one you have to put a spin on to find it to be a silver lining.

Okay, negative one first.

I "broke up" with Jersey today. She's been a massive thorn in my side for months now and she does not calm down her aggressiveness. After several hours of writing out what I want to say, several nights of venting to Roomie, and a handful of counseling sessions wasted, it finally happened. She kept bugging me for a meeting to "talk things out". Well, okay, I will "talk things out" but I refuse to be friends with Jersey anymore.

We set a time for an appointment to talk on the phone. I told her that I get 10 minutes to talk where she doesn't get to interrupt me. I got done with my spiel in about 5-7 minutes, told her she could go for it for 10 minutes and then that was it. She hung up, saying she needed to go to lab. She was crying and asked for specific examples for some of the reasons I gave for why I was not going to be her friend anymore. I refused because I was not going to get into the typical argument she likes to start up.

We took Roomie's dog for an hour long hike and I came back to a text from Jersey asking for the letter. What letter? The letter I wrote to send to her... What the hell? I wrote notes, but there was no letter. So, she asked for that and she wanted me to mail it. She told me it was so that she could "better reflect on the points that I made so that she could become a better person." That is the biggest load of shit I've ever heard. I again refused to do as she asked and that's when all of her bullshit came out. I was waiting for it!!! I did not give the letter to her in the first place because I know how she tries to pick the little details out and then attempt to excuse it away. She also has a tendency to show things like that to all of her friends in order to gain sympathy. Well, she'll just have to go fishing for sympathy without my notes. I saved them though, in my counseling binder. I want to remember how strong I was.

It was a hard thing to do. I am not one to burn bridges or try to hurt others. However, I'm not going to cower and let her walk all over me anymore. I tried to blow it off but she wasn't going to let it go. Okay, fine. You don't want to let it go and you want to ignore my feelings and how your actions effect anyone else? I won't ignore the way my actions effect you, but I will absolutely cut you out of my life.

She ended up texting me something to the effect of, "my last words for you is that karma is a bitch." Actually, that's exactly what the text said. Oh honey, don't even. This phone call was Justice being served because you see no wrong in any of your actions. I don't believe in karma, but do not mess with me and expect anything to improve for you.

You do not fuck with me.

I will no longer be walked on.

So, the good news from that whole story is that Jersey knows we are no longer friends. There is no hope and I am not going to talk to her anymore. I spoke my peace and I'm done with her. I blocked her on Facebook, snapchat, and from texting/calling me. I cannot block her from class, but she knows that it's done. If she asks to talk to me I'm going to tell her no and that I have other things I have to go to. I said what I needed to say and she had a chance to do the same. That was it, and I told her that was her last chance.



In happy news, I had a date!!! Dating is scary, but especially after meeting nothing but bad guys, even through friends and family recommendations. This guy has been talking with me for weeks. I finally agreed to meet him in a public place and it went well. I'm not so good at small talk, and I brought down the conversation a few times, but we had a lot of laughs and some random, exciting adventures.

We started by going to Bass Pro. We walked across the parking lot to dinner and to grab a beer because I told him I wouldn't ride in a vehicle with him. During dinner, he asked why I won't let him drive me, I told him that exfiance essentially kidnapped me at one point. Which did actually happen. After that, he understood that my pain goes deeper than typical girls simply being upset with their exes. He didn't pry anymore into that aspect of my life and the night went on. After dinner, he asked what I wanted to do. After a few minutes of discussion, I decided I wanted to see puppies. So, we drove separately to the mall and saw some puppies!

We spent a couple hours in the mall, just visiting random stores. At one point we ended up going prom dress shopping and I almost convinced him to try one on! I took him to every girly store in the mall, just to see how much of a fit he would throw and he didn't throw a single one!!! He smelled candles with me at the candle place, he looked at puppies with me, looked at dresses, and we even went shoe shopping. I told him I had never been but he was all game. Granted, I lasted a solid 30 seconds in the shoe place before I got bored, so we left pretty quick. Regardless, he handled the entire date, and my weird conversations and odd activity requests really well.

At the end of the date, he walked me to my car and asked for a second date. I think he was trying for a kiss, but I didn't let him get too close. We agreed to keep talking and I told him another date would be fun, but he didn't get a kiss that night. He probably won't for awhile, if we decide that it's a relationship worth pursuing. That'll be a rough discussion because I'm headed away and I carry a lot of baggage still.

So, I have a relationship potentially starting while another was cut clean off. Odd thing is, I feel free after the friend "break-up" just like I feel more free after break-ups with the toxic guys I've kicked to the curb.

Y'all, I'm growing!

Loneliness Ensues

Exfiance and I had been talking since the breakup a few weeks ago. I ended that last night. Well, I called him to see if he would go to some places that brought back a lot of flashbacks. Desensitization therapy, kinda. He said he would so I met him at the first place. He didn't want to go in right away, he wanted to talk for awhile. So, I got in his truck an we talked. It's been the same thing over and over since the breakup. He says he misses me and wants to fix us. I tell him it's too late. He says it's not. Blah, blah, blah. We have this conversation almost every day.

Last night, we went to two of my hundreds of bad places and spent nearly 4 hours in his truck talking and maybe 10 minutes in one store. Then we started talking in front of the other one but never went in. He finally yelled at me. I was waiting for it because he has yelled at me for everything we've ever "discussed" in the course of our relationship. He says it's my dad's fault that we broke up and that I broke up with him out of no where. On my end, I agree that my dad not approving the engagement was what finally tipped me over the edge, but that's not what put the final nail in the coffin. I have been explaining to exfiance that he needed to treat me better, put down his phone when I'm out with him, talk to me, open up about stuff, tell me the truth about stuff, stop lying to me, stop putting me down every chance he gets, stop making fun of me to his friends (WHILE I'M THERE!), and just being a decent person to me in general. FROM THE VERY BEGINNING! I have given him so many chances. He kept telling me he would change and try to be good to me but that was just to get me to be back in a relationship with him. Then he would go right back to being mean to me.

I finally told him that last night. I don't know where the strength came from, but after two places and him yelling at me for about 4 hours and continually trying to kiss me, I had had enough. I flat out told him that I was done. I told him that I had been trying to be friends with him, but he was always pushing the relationship. He didn't respect me enough to stop trying to kiss me when we were no longer going out, he wouldn't stop grabbing my butt, he wouldn't stop doing the things that angered me in the relationship even though he says he's changed and he's totally different now. Bullshit. He started selling himself to me saying "let's just try it for a month, or to the end of this month, or for 3 days. Give me 3 days and I'll show you I'm different. Give me 24 hours, or 12 hours!" He just kept talking and talking the way he does when he is selling (hussling) people in the mall at the kiosk he now works at.

I told him that I tried the friend thing, but maybe we should just stop talking cold turkey. He started using his same manipulative tactics that I now recognize from the other times I've tried to leave. This time, however, I saw through it all. I see that he wants me but he doesn't see my value. He wants to put me in a box and he wants me to do whatever he wants. He thinks I'll cower and let him control me.

He drove off pissed off beyond belief last night. His go-to emotion has always been anger and it used to make me feel bad. Now, I say what I mean. No more beating around the bush, saying stuff "nice" so that he won't blow up. Nope, I laid it all out, very few words, and I let him be angry with me. I showed no emotion and had none to really show anyway. I felt so strong and freed at the end of that when he was driving away and I was getting in my car. I apologized for calling him into town for such a stupid reason, and I told him that we were no more. I had given him some books that I used when I was trying to get our relationship to work and I asked for them all back. He kept one saying it would be an excuse to come and see me again. He can have it because it was probably $3 and I'll just get another one if I even think I want to read it again.

I'm done.

I've learned a lot though! I've seen firsthand accounts of a manipulative relationship. I've learned that if my family doesn't like him then that's a red flag. However, they liked exboyfriend and we all know how that ended. If someone has a lot of dramatic stories, that is a red flag. When someone wants to isolate you and tells you to tell your friends and family to fuck off if they don't like the relationship, that's a huge problem. Unfortunately, I've learned that not everyone is as truthful as I try to be. Many people do bad things and rationalize it to themselves that the other person made them do it. That's not healthy. I've learned that I am stronger than I believed I was. I don't deserve manipulative relationships. I don't deserve being forced into a physical relationship and guys worth while won't force physical stuff on you. They will wait and respect what you want. I've also learned that many friendships aren't as deep as I thought they were. Many people can't handle the stuff I have to live through because of my poor choices. I have learned that when I cannot handle things, I need to be able to go to a trusted person so that they can provide outside advice on the situation. If it is bad from their point of view, then maybe I'm not being crazy and something is actually wrong. I've also learned that I am able to handle this stuff on my own, with the help of the L-rd because people cannot handle my baggage.

Do you guys remember best friend from when I first started blogging? We had a crush on each other and I was nervous about him asking me out. We went out for about 3 weeks, where I completely avoided him that whole time, and then I broke up with him. He started texting me a couple months ago. Lately, I told him what had happened with exboyfriend and exfiance. He is being so sweet and supportive, like a friend should. He has a girlfriend and I don't want to take him from her, but I forgot how much I missed him. He gives me hope that there is a decent guy out there for me. He was always respectful of my boundaries and always just wanted to talk and get to know me deeper. He didn't rush the physical stuff. He was my friend first for several years before he tried to get anywhere else with me. Even then, he was my friend first and boyfriend second. I miss him so terribly but I am so glad the the L-rd has brought him back as my friend. I pray that I find a guy like him again. Those guys usually get married really quick, though, because girls come and snatch them up really quick.

Oh well, here's to hoping the L-rd has someone with a lot of grace, kindness, goodness, respect, love, forgiveness, and understanding. Someone who can handle all my crazy and love me for my heart.

Why did I not wait for a guy like that? Why did I settle twice and land myself in a ditch?