Life Goes On

I survived both/all three? first year anniversaries from my assaults. I write both, because it was over two days. I put three, because there were three assaults.

Anywho, I survived them. Yesterday was hard, but I made myself eat (dinner...), I used my essential oils, I had a glass of wine, Roomie and I made a list of 10 reasons why I am better off without exboyfriend, I bought myself flowers, and I skipped the class I could (peds) and did the things I absolutely had to do (world religions). Then, after all that, I woke up this morning. I may have struggled yesterday, and today, but now my two days of anniversaries are done and life will go on for awhile longer... unfortunately.

Today in counseling, we discussed how I probably don't need to be going in very much anymore. I'm cutting down to once a week next week. I know that counseling is only supposed to be temporary, to get you able to survive in life alone again, but I'm sad that this season is coming to a close. Counselor asked what else I felt like I needed to work on and I couldn't think of anything. I mentioned self-esteem, but we determined I am way better in that department than I was ever before in my life... I brought up rational thought and confidence, and we determined I was growing well in those areas as well... I'm becoming more assertive, setting boundaries, and I'm learning how to cope with my traumatic past. She told me she thinks I'm graduated from PTSD to post-traumatic growth. Look it up, I guess it's a real thing.

I saw it mentioned on some documentary that I woke up to, because I sleep with my television on. The psychiatrist on the documentary was saying that post-traumatic growth is being able to be better than baseline after your healing begins after a trauma.

So, imagine your life at baseline. You have a traumatic event and it plummets you past the deepest valley you could ever imagine for yourself. You are suspected to be in post-traumatic growth when you slowly work back up to your baseline (before your trauma) but then somehow surpass that level.

I was reading somewhere online that mentioned that post-traumatic growth can be suspected (that sounds negative, but it's actually a really good thing) when: you find joy in the smaller things in life, stressful things don't phase you as much, you can reflect on your traumatic experiences and they don't completely floor you, you are happy again or happier than you were before (because you understand the value of life), and there were others but I cannot find the article nor can I fully remember. But, whatever the points were, I met them all!

Yes, each day is still full of triggers and many days are a huge struggle, but I get through them and don't stay in bed all day! I am beginning to look forward for my future again, and I am beginning to forgive myself and understand that I could have done nothing to make the situation better. It wasn't my fault. This understanding is still very much a struggle most days, but I'm believing it more days than not.

I have a hope. I have a future. I have a life to live and people to prove wrong. I have guys to give the biggest middle finger to of living a life they told me I could never live.

Counselor and I discussed how I feel guilty but also relieved to say that I hate these guys. I hate what they did to me. I hate that they ruined my life. I hate that they have no traumatic aftermath and I have no permanent healing ever, for the rest of my life!

These fuckers destroyed my life, fucked up my brain, invaded my body in the most brutal of ways, and my life will never be the same. I'll never be innocent again. I will never get back what they stole. There is a good chance I will never get justice.

So, living my life the way they told me I never could is my best payback. L-rd, give me a loving, kind, gracious, wonderful husband that shows me the way ladies and people are supposed to be loved! L-rd, provide me with the sweetest, most beautiful, kind, smart, wonderful, blessed children! L-rd, bless me in my nursing career and pave the way for me wherever I may go! Open doors that I never dreamed were possible, even when I was completely "pure" and not polluted by the pure evil these assholes forced upon me. L-rd, show Satan that he does not win by blessing my life and allowing me to live ridiculously joyfully and happy for the rest of my life! L-rd, redeem me and give me justice! Most of all, L-rd, do not turn your back on me. Do not leave me or forget me. Remember the things I've had to survive and give me years of peach, joy, happiness, excitement (only good excitement), love, contentment, and absolute bliss.

Baruch HaShem! Bless you L-rd for all you've done for me so far and heal my heart, my body, and my mind oh L-rd.

Painful Memories

Tomorrow marks the anniversary of ex-boyfriend's first assault on me. A year ago, I was excited on this night. It was a Friday, I believe and I was probably at his new house watching a movie with him. Actually, he went to bed early so we were probably back in his bed, falling asleep or already sleeping by now.

He didn't try to touch me this night. I was still blissfully ignorant of the danger lurking within him.

The most he probably did was try to grab my butt or my boobs while he made out with me. I was uncomfortable sleeping in his bed, but he wouldn't let me sleep out on the couch. I was also dumb enough to believe that sleeping over would be okay. I was naive enough to believe that I was safe with him.



I've been wrestling with terrible thoughts in my head. For as long as I can remember, I was told to love those who hurt you and hate nobody but Satan.

I've been struggling to wrap my head around the evil that was done to my body and the fact that these guys think that they did nothing wrong.

I have been struggling to keep my mind from saying that "I hate them."

I hate what they've done to me. I hate that they have no fucking clue that my life is ruined. I hate that if the news ever got out that they did these things to me, nobody will believe me and they will blame me for making up stories. I hate that the law is on their side in this backwards legal system. I hate that they will likely have no punishment because what could potentially happen in the best case scenario for me or worst case scenario for them? NOTHING! Absolutely, fucking nothing.

Justice is bullshit. The legal system is not working for victims, it helps nobody but those who have broken the law. So, what's the point in reporting? There is none.


I'm so fucking over this shit. I can't sleep. My mind is being bombarded with the evil acts these assholes have done to me. The only comfort I have is absolutely nothing. There is no comfort. There is no justice. There is nothing I, or anyone, can do to right these wrongs.

L-rd, give me peace and comfort in the coming months as all of my anniversaries come to bombard me and swallow me whole. Quiet my heart and give me restful sleep. Allow me to somehow forget these evil guys. Somehow, in the coming judgement, bring me justice, oh L-rd. Give me something to tell me that the suffering I have unfortunately survived this last year is not in vain. Oh L-rd, redeem me and punish those who have wronged me and invaded my body. Ad-nai, forgive my past trangressions and remember what has happened. L-rd, remember those who love you and deliver me from the evil bestowed upon me.

Why was this given to me? What did I do that warranted that type of punishment? Or, what kind of sick test was that?!? WHY???



Ironically, tomorrow's pediatric lecture is on childhood abuse and will most likely mention sexual assault because that seems to be a popular topic in that stupid class. As such, I am not going. I refuse to go. The peds instructor makes sick jokes about rape, suicide, abuse, and other "hot button" topics that immediately make me cry. How will I handle such topics from now on? I will just refuse to go to class! Fuck you, lady. L-rd willing, you've never lived through these terrible things. As someone who survived multiple suicide attempts, is living through grieving a friend's suicide, having been abused by boyfriends, and raped by two separate guys on numerous occasions, YOU HAVE NO PLACE TO TALK!!!

No decent person makes jokes about abuse, rape, or suicide. Don't fuck with those topics. If you have to talk about them, and I think it's important to discuss them, then you treat them with the respect and seriousness they deserve. Get people who are experts and who are tender to the issues to come and teach the lecture, if that is required.

Don't fucking mess with me and don't tell me you know when you don't lady (peds professor and Jersey.)

Some of you, out there in the blog-o-sphere, unfortunately understand the pain of living through traumatic events. Though we have not lived the same life, I am sorry for your suffering. We can't fully comprehend each others pain and journey, but I know what it is like to live my trauma and I am sorry for anyone who has to live through their own. For anything you've been through, I am, from the bottom of my heart, sorry.

For those of you who haven't, I am so very glad that you haven't. I do not wish this on anyone. Having said that, please do not tell those of us who are survivors of trauma that you know what we are going through. If you say anything, tell us that you are sorry and then slap that pity look right off your face. We don't need pity. We are still a person, just like anyone else. Unfortunately, we were dealt a hand in life where we were forced to be a bit stronger than the average person. That does not mean we need pity. Giving us that fucking pity look and babying us after we tell you only makes the situation worse. Don't distance yourself from us or treat us differently besides avoiding the triggers we ask you to avoid. Besides that, treat us normally, but silently give us more patience as we heal.

Rebound

As you guys know, exfiance and I still talk. Since that's kind of a long name, let's call him Jacob (no, that's not his actual name). Yesterday, he went to counseling because we had a bet, he lost it, and his forfeit was to go to counseling. I believe he needed to go when he was a child but he just never did. He had trauma growing up, similar to what happened to me but also vastly different. Regardless, trauma needs counseling most of the time and he certainly does.

I guess he and his counselor talked about me and why the two of us broke up. Jacob ended up calling me last night and telling me that he believes I was never really "in love" with him because he was just a rebound and distraction from my first rape. It has occurred to me that he may have been a rebound, but I had feelings for him. However, when he continually lied to me, that's when the love dwindled away because I had been loving him for the lies, not for him actually showing me his past scars. I think he may have started as a rebound, but I developed true love for him. Having him tell me he didn't think I ever loved him hurt. It hurt a lot.

While we were going out, there were times that he would compare me to his dead wife. He would say she was pretty, but I think you're prettier. Or he would tell me what she did to calm him down or what she did that he liked. Little things they developed like a counting game with squeezing each other's hands just to let the other one know they were there and thinking about them regardless of whether they were driving, fighting, whatever. At one point, he told me he loved me probably more than his wife. I didn't think much of it and I highly doubted it, but it stuck in my mind. Last night, he told me he didn't love me nearly as much as he had loved his wife. He covered it up by saying they grew up together, knew each other for way longer, and went through much more together than he and I had. Okay, this makes sense, I guess but it hurt to hear it. I mean, who says that? I would suspect he would love her more, but you don't say that to someone! Especially someone who is barely surviving and doesn't feel loved by anyone right now, especially friends or guys.

We keep talking and venting about our counseling sessions. I don't know why, but we do. In fact, we're having deeper conversations than we did when we were dating. It's really frustrating, actually. Anywho, he asked how I have been doing. I told him the following story:

Yesterday, I started my OB class and I have been excited about this class since I started college! I absolutely love watching births and seeing pregnant women and babies and everything that has to do with moms and babies. We started watching a birth in class (a video) and my eyes started tearing up. These weren't happy tears at a baby being born, these were tears of pain because the woman had her feet in stirrups and it reminded me of my SANE exam.

The next birth video was in a birthing center and my eyes teared up again and they almost spilled over. The video ended and I watched the wall for most of it because I was on the verge of sobbing. I couldn't catch my breath, I was hyperventilating, my heart was pounding, I was sad that I don't believe I will ever have babies, and I'm disappointed I was having so many troubles in a class that I have so been looking forward to forever! I want to be a midwife for goodness sake!!!

Whew, so that video ended and I kinda kept my composure. Lecture continued and we watched a third video towards the end. This was a water birth at home. About a minute into the video, my eye were filled with tears, I was having all the symptoms that I had in the second video and the tears started spilling. I jumped from my seat (which was in the back right next to the door, thank the L-rd) and I nearly ran to the bathroom. I got in there and there were other people. I washed my hands to make it seem like I was okay, but I absolutely wasn't. Then, all of a sudden, Beauty comes walking out of a stall. I dried my hands, looked up and said "hey! it's you!" The concern on her face was evident, she asked if I was okay. I said I was fine, booked it out of that bathroom and speed walked to the bathroom in the back of the building. Oh my goodness, I lost it! I was in a stall, sitting on the toilet, trying to keep my sobs as silent as possible and cried for about 5 minutes. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop shaking, I was losing my mind and it was terrifying! I waited for the other girls to leave, emmerged from my sanctuary and washed my hands, splashed cold water on my face a few times, and composed myself enough to go back to class. I zoned out for the rest of class just so that my body could sit there to keep my friends from wondering if I was okay.



On the phone with Jacob (exfiance) later that night, I explained all of this to him. He was kinda sweet about it and the most important thing is he listens to my rambling about my lack of coping with life right now. He asked me a few questions and we got to a point where I was explaining that I haven't been sleeping more than a couple hours each night because I can't fall asleep and I keep having flashbacks about him, exboyfriend and Country Boy. We discussed Country Boy's suicide and Jacob told me that I shouldn't be sad about him committing suicide. He said that me being sad and crying about it is selfish. I know it's selfish, but at the same time I need to be able to cope with what happened because it affected me terribly. You don't tell people not to cry or be sad if something happened in their life or they had a friend/family member die! You just don't do that!!! I ended up getting really mad, but Jacob just kept talking and I kept crying.

He ended by reverting to saying that I never loved him. He said he's not mad because he knows I have been in "survival mode" (according to my counselor because of the severe PTSD). He says he's proud of me for getting good grades and continuing with school even though my brain isn't functioning properly and barely surviving right now. He told me he thinks I'm a "badass bitch" because I keep on going even though most people would be staying in bed all the time and they would have given up a long time ago. He's proud of me for not killing myself and for not cutting in a few weeks. He says he's proud of me for getting help and for dealing with all of the troubles in my life without telling people about them.

I think that's one of the hardest things to do. If you have a broken leg or some reason to get surgery, people understand you taking time to recover and build yourself back up. They usually respect your privacy and the fact you need space. They are also more likely to want to help you with food, cleaning, groceries, etc because they know you may need help. The thing with rape is, you can't tell everyone. Well, you could, but it's likely to cause you more problems than it is to help you at all. I have chosen to tell a couple friends for support, but the vast majority of the people in my life (most of my friends, bosses, professors/instructors, patients, extended family, and even my dad) have no idea what's wrong with me. They see that I'm changing, withdrawing, sad, grumpy, and all around not being myself, but they don't know why. So, they tell me to suck it up and then get angry when they are not top priority on my list. But what am I supposed to do? I was burned out with all of the needy people in my life before any of this bad stuff happened. What am I supposed to do now that it is all I can do to wake up in the morning and consider getting out of bed?

We went on to talk about one of Jacob's friends from back in the day passing away this week. He tarted talking about a bunch of other friends that had died through his life, including his "father figure" who he really looked up to. Turns out, the father figure guy had a nephew that had committed suicide about the same time Country Boy did. They both also had the same name. We realized this all for the first time last night. Jacob had helped his father figure get the kid down from his noose once he was found. So Jacob asked for a picture of Country Boy to see if it was the same kid. He was freaking out last night saying it was so creepy and weirding him out that my friend that died might have been the same guy that he helped get down after the other kid's suicide. After I sent him the picture today, he said they weren't the same kid. It's a little bit of a relief.

Jacob also found out that Country Boy ended up being buried. About a month after he had died, I went to the place where his funeral was held (after clinical that day and I was in my whites), but they told me he had been cremated. Well, turns out Jacob called the funeral home and he was told Country Boy had been buried there. Okay, looks like I'm going there to see his grave tomorrow.

Jacob and I closed the conversation with him saying he'd pray that I would be able to sleep at a decent time last night. He called back like 2 minutes later saying: "Hey, I know this is going to sound weird, these aren't my words and I don't know what I'm saying, but do you remember the guy that you told me about? You know, the one that Satan made a bet with G-d that the guy wouldn't stay good, so G-d allowed him to be tested by Satan just to see if he would stay good?"

Me: "Job?"

Him: "Yeah! Well, while I was praying, I got this feeling that you are that guy. You are being tested. Now, this is going to sound really weird and I don't understand the words, but you are supposed to stand fast with your religion. Don't give up and keep doing what you're doing"

Me: "Okay, I'll try to keep my faith."

That was it. He doesn't talk like that ever. He's been reading a devotional book he got from me based off of the Love Dare book, but it's the year-long one. It still has challenges each week, but it also has a lesson and verse for each day. I'm surprised he's still doing it. I'm even more surprised he's gone to counseling and says he's going to keep going. We'll see. I don't foresee us getting back together, ever. I feel like the L-rd told me that he will change, but I won't see the fruits of this (my) labor but the story ends well for him. I hope it ends well for me too, but I guess we'll see.


Well, y'all keep on keepin' on. Stick with the faith and know that the L-rd is working, even if you feel like your whole life is going up in smoke. G-d is working on a billion things for every one thing He lets you have a glimpse of. I believe that's true for me too. Blessings guys.

P.S.
His prayer, along with mine, actually worked. Maybe it was psychological, but I think the L-rd helped me a lot. I fell asleep within about 10 minutes of hanging up from the second phone call.

Forgiveness?

I have found, in the past few years, it is easier to forgive others than it is to forgive myself.

I keep waking up with panic attacks because I feel like I have failed my future husband, G-d, and myself. I feel unlovable and ruined. The nightmares and flashbacks are becoming too much for me. I keep playing what has happened in the past year, over and over again in my head. I could have fought harder. I could have prevented so many problems by breaking up with these boys when I had originally wanted to, if only I had had the guts and the strength to do it. I am quite convinced that I have made too many mistakes to be able to have any kind of a future like the one that I wanted so badly.

I wanted a sweet guy, who waited for marriage before having sex. I don't deserve that anymore because I allowed my body to be used by guys other than my husband. I wanted to save my first kiss for my wedding day and I blew that on a guy who was 5 years older than me because I was feeling pressured and didn't stand up for myself the way I needed to. Granted, I have learned a lot, but at a steep price.

I have lost the little sanity I was born with, and I feel as though I've been trampled.

I keep going back and forth between wondering if what happened to me was my fault, or if I did all I needed to and was able to at the time, to protect myself and my purity.

I am downright disgusted with myself and the way I have turned out.

Counseling starts Tuesday but I'm scared that I won't be able to work out all that I need to in the time I have a counselor. Maybe light will be shed and it will show me that all of these things were my fault. Maybe it will prove to me that believing these guys had any control over their actions was futile and I deserve to be locked away.

My nausea is back full force and I've almost lost my stomach a few times today. I can't escape my life, especially in my dreams. I keep breaking down and sobbing because I feel as though I have no hope left in a future, let alone a happy future. Flashbacks are constant and no longer just intermittent. Nightmares are guaranteed every night once I finally fall asleep around 3-4 a.m. from exhaustion. But I was with panic attacks around 9-10 a.m.

My head hurts from the whiplash I give myself by believing everything was my fault and then knowing that I had no control over these guys. They had their talons in deep and made me believe I made them enter my body. That's what they've told me. I was told it was my fault because I didn't say "no" seriously enough. It doesn't matter that I repeatedly said it and tried to push them away.

I don't think I'll ever be able to sleep normally again. If I ever do get married, will sex even be enjoyable? Or will it be a source of too much pain that I push my husband away and avoid it all together?

Should I even hope that I find a husband? If I were a guy, I wouldn't want me. Especially if I were the guy that I wanted before I was ruined and I found a girl like how I am presently.

I am unworthy, broken, dirty, impure, unlovable, and completely damaged goods. Maybe this is the Adversary saying mean things to me, but it's believable.

Some days, I want to know what a jury would say. Would they say that I am making stories up so that I can hopefully clear my concience? Or would they understand that I am telling the truth and see that I never wanted any of this? Would they see the hours of being yelled at over the phone for not being willing to "try" sex because I was waiting for marriage, only to be fed drinks all night until I was unable to walk and puking? Would they say it was my fault because I wasn't smarter that night and I kept drinking? Would they believe him when he says I started it? Would they believe me that I had told him a million times I never wanted to, but then woke up next to him, completely naked, next to him in a hotel? Would they believe it was my fault? Is it my fault?

The dozens of times he came onto me after that and I said flat out "no" several times, but he still "went in", do those count in my favor or his? Were those my fault too? Does pushing him away but not being strong enough to actually be able to get him off of me count for him or me? Why does he believe all of these are my fault because he was "thinking with his penis"? Are they my fault?

Why was I allowed to be able to meet him? Why would the L-rd allow this to happen again? More than that, I don't believe it was G-d's fault, I believe I made so many foolish choices that this is all on me. I believe He cares for me and tries to protect me, but where was He all those nights? Was He watching when I tried my best to keep my pants on as these guys ripped them off? Or did He turn His head? I believe I was set apart for Him, but if I was, why was I not protected? Am I that bad that I was banished to be able to be used by any guy that just had a hankering to get his rocks off? Why is this supposed to be my fate? Why was I not allowed to die when I wanted to in the 8th grade? If I had been allowed to, I wouldn't have had to live through this. What did I do that this is justifiable punishment for my sins?

WHY ME??? What did I do?

Loneliness Ensues

Exfiance and I had been talking since the breakup a few weeks ago. I ended that last night. Well, I called him to see if he would go to some places that brought back a lot of flashbacks. Desensitization therapy, kinda. He said he would so I met him at the first place. He didn't want to go in right away, he wanted to talk for awhile. So, I got in his truck an we talked. It's been the same thing over and over since the breakup. He says he misses me and wants to fix us. I tell him it's too late. He says it's not. Blah, blah, blah. We have this conversation almost every day.

Last night, we went to two of my hundreds of bad places and spent nearly 4 hours in his truck talking and maybe 10 minutes in one store. Then we started talking in front of the other one but never went in. He finally yelled at me. I was waiting for it because he has yelled at me for everything we've ever "discussed" in the course of our relationship. He says it's my dad's fault that we broke up and that I broke up with him out of no where. On my end, I agree that my dad not approving the engagement was what finally tipped me over the edge, but that's not what put the final nail in the coffin. I have been explaining to exfiance that he needed to treat me better, put down his phone when I'm out with him, talk to me, open up about stuff, tell me the truth about stuff, stop lying to me, stop putting me down every chance he gets, stop making fun of me to his friends (WHILE I'M THERE!), and just being a decent person to me in general. FROM THE VERY BEGINNING! I have given him so many chances. He kept telling me he would change and try to be good to me but that was just to get me to be back in a relationship with him. Then he would go right back to being mean to me.

I finally told him that last night. I don't know where the strength came from, but after two places and him yelling at me for about 4 hours and continually trying to kiss me, I had had enough. I flat out told him that I was done. I told him that I had been trying to be friends with him, but he was always pushing the relationship. He didn't respect me enough to stop trying to kiss me when we were no longer going out, he wouldn't stop grabbing my butt, he wouldn't stop doing the things that angered me in the relationship even though he says he's changed and he's totally different now. Bullshit. He started selling himself to me saying "let's just try it for a month, or to the end of this month, or for 3 days. Give me 3 days and I'll show you I'm different. Give me 24 hours, or 12 hours!" He just kept talking and talking the way he does when he is selling (hussling) people in the mall at the kiosk he now works at.

I told him that I tried the friend thing, but maybe we should just stop talking cold turkey. He started using his same manipulative tactics that I now recognize from the other times I've tried to leave. This time, however, I saw through it all. I see that he wants me but he doesn't see my value. He wants to put me in a box and he wants me to do whatever he wants. He thinks I'll cower and let him control me.

He drove off pissed off beyond belief last night. His go-to emotion has always been anger and it used to make me feel bad. Now, I say what I mean. No more beating around the bush, saying stuff "nice" so that he won't blow up. Nope, I laid it all out, very few words, and I let him be angry with me. I showed no emotion and had none to really show anyway. I felt so strong and freed at the end of that when he was driving away and I was getting in my car. I apologized for calling him into town for such a stupid reason, and I told him that we were no more. I had given him some books that I used when I was trying to get our relationship to work and I asked for them all back. He kept one saying it would be an excuse to come and see me again. He can have it because it was probably $3 and I'll just get another one if I even think I want to read it again.

I'm done.

I've learned a lot though! I've seen firsthand accounts of a manipulative relationship. I've learned that if my family doesn't like him then that's a red flag. However, they liked exboyfriend and we all know how that ended. If someone has a lot of dramatic stories, that is a red flag. When someone wants to isolate you and tells you to tell your friends and family to fuck off if they don't like the relationship, that's a huge problem. Unfortunately, I've learned that not everyone is as truthful as I try to be. Many people do bad things and rationalize it to themselves that the other person made them do it. That's not healthy. I've learned that I am stronger than I believed I was. I don't deserve manipulative relationships. I don't deserve being forced into a physical relationship and guys worth while won't force physical stuff on you. They will wait and respect what you want. I've also learned that many friendships aren't as deep as I thought they were. Many people can't handle the stuff I have to live through because of my poor choices. I have learned that when I cannot handle things, I need to be able to go to a trusted person so that they can provide outside advice on the situation. If it is bad from their point of view, then maybe I'm not being crazy and something is actually wrong. I've also learned that I am able to handle this stuff on my own, with the help of the L-rd because people cannot handle my baggage.

Do you guys remember best friend from when I first started blogging? We had a crush on each other and I was nervous about him asking me out. We went out for about 3 weeks, where I completely avoided him that whole time, and then I broke up with him. He started texting me a couple months ago. Lately, I told him what had happened with exboyfriend and exfiance. He is being so sweet and supportive, like a friend should. He has a girlfriend and I don't want to take him from her, but I forgot how much I missed him. He gives me hope that there is a decent guy out there for me. He was always respectful of my boundaries and always just wanted to talk and get to know me deeper. He didn't rush the physical stuff. He was my friend first for several years before he tried to get anywhere else with me. Even then, he was my friend first and boyfriend second. I miss him so terribly but I am so glad the the L-rd has brought him back as my friend. I pray that I find a guy like him again. Those guys usually get married really quick, though, because girls come and snatch them up really quick.

Oh well, here's to hoping the L-rd has someone with a lot of grace, kindness, goodness, respect, love, forgiveness, and understanding. Someone who can handle all my crazy and love me for my heart.

Why did I not wait for a guy like that? Why did I settle twice and land myself in a ditch?

New Year, New Me

A lot of people start the new year saying this. It's usually bullshit. The new changes (like exercising more, taking people for granted less, etc, etc) typically don't last long. There will be a couple weeks of solid effort because the person goes back to their normal habits. That's okay. We're all here and we are who we are. So, it's good to start new years off with good intentions, even if those good intentions don't last until February or whatever your second month of the year happens to be.

Since the beginning of this year, I have been fighting to remain alone. EXfiance keeps texting and calling (only calls occasionally) asking me how "we" can "fix" us. I tell him time and time again that "we" do not get to get "fixed" anymore. I tried fixing us when we were still a thing and he didn't think that was important because he didn't think I would actually walk away. Well, buddy, too bad for you that I'm stronger than you thought I was.

He told me he's gonna go get counseling because I've been pestering him about getting counseling for a long time now. We'll see if he actually goes consistently, or if this is another lie. Regardless, I'm not getting back together with him. I'm sick of getting dragged through mud, tar, broken glass, gravel, and a whole host of bacteria just to be left on the side of the road naked and mostly dead (metaphorically).

My job ended on Christmas. My relationship ended a couple days before that. 2016 was a year to start clean. I'm not doing typical New Year's resolutions, I'm just working to help myself right now.

I started exercising with Bikini Body Mommy again, but only lasted two days.

I have gained 10-15 lbs since the break-up.

However, on a very positive note, I got an appointment to start counseling again. This time I am going through an organization that specializes in domestic abuse (I don't think this applies to me) and rape (this part does apply to me). I talked with my counselor today and she told me the first day involves paperwork for about 30 minutes and then we go right into a session. I'm hoping it doesn't take three sessions of babbling to get me to a point where we are actually working on anything.


I find myself wishing the L-rd would punish these guys for what they did. Damn, if that means it was my fault then punish me. But if it wasn't me, then I want them to understand that what they did was wrong. I don't believe in karma or in seeking revenge. The Bible, however, says that G-d deals justly and gives good to those who are good and bad to those who are bad. I've gotten a lot of bad being with the not-so-good guys in my life. Things are starting to get better but it's taking a lot of time.

Mostly, I want to know that not pressing charges was an okay thing to do. I need to know that if I happened to get up in front of a jury and they heard my side and the guys' sides, that the jury would let me know that it wasn't my fault. I also want apologies.

I want them, the guys, to tell me that they're sorry for what happened. Not sorry that I broke up with them or got mad. No, sorry that I have to deal with the nightmares, panic attacks, pieces of my family that they left behind, the knowledge that I will never get to go to my marriage bed pure. Most of all, I want them to understand how hard it is to live with the fact that these fuckers couldn't keep their dicks to themselves and caused this much damage to the point where I don't want to live anymore. I want them to understand that. It's not just an "oops my penis entered your body, my bad" kind of a situation. This is a, "you couldn't control yourself or see past your own desires at one point in time and now I want to die" kind of a situation. I want them to understand that what may seem like a little mistake to them is something that causes so much pain in others. I bear the brunt of it, but now my mom, brother, and a few friends have to share in the knowledge that a very sweet girl was stupid enough to have this done to her twice.

I know that multiple rapes are not very scarce. I am not saying other girls are stupid for getting raped twice. I'm saying that I feel stupid for allowing it to happen twice to me because I could have prevented it.

I want to know that the L-rd has better things in store and that He says that I'm clean. I want my memories of these two guys erased and the pain to be no more. I want to not have to live this life anymore.

I'm so very tired.

If you guys remember, I met Exboyfriend last year on New Year's Day right around 2 a.m. at a New Year's Eve dance. Funny to think that so much shit has happened to one person in a year. Other people go through more, but it's just something I watch from the sidelines. It's something else entirely to go through this personally.

So, for all of you starting new years out there, I know I'm a little late but I hope you guys have a good 2016. I pray that you guys have healthy years, full of love and laughter. I want you guys to find joy in your every day life and have some fun with those you love. Make time for friends and family. If you don't feel good, take a few days to rest and get yourself better. Keep up on you so that the rest of us can enjoy time with you when you're feeling better. Many of you have struggled with health issues, personal problems, and a whole host of troubles this last year; I'm right there with you. Don't think I don't remember you guys and your sufferings too (if you told them to me or wrote them in your blogs), I'm just reliving my troubles again. Sorry about that.

Blessings guys.

Life Lessons Learned

I was reading my devotions and praying the other night, when the L-rd gave me an epiphany: closed doors, missed chances, failed relationships, opportunities that go awry, and all the other things that don't go our way in life are actually the L-rd guiding us. Through these things, He also shows us how bad a situation could be so that we learn from that, then He typically gives us what He had planned for us all along. By letting us see the bad before giving us good, He lets us understand why we need to be grateful for all that happens to us.

Growing up, I shared a bedroom with my brother until I had finished 4th grade and he had finished 3rd in a very small, 2-bedroom apartment. My mom used to pray with us on the way to school each day and ask the L-rd that He would keep our family from becoming complacent and taking our blessings for granted. We lived in an apartment while both of my parents worked several jobs so that they could send us to a Christian school and pay our tuition. We ended up moving into a house where my brother and I got our own rooms and then we had to go to a public school. That made me appreciate the house much more and being blessed to be able to go to a Christian school for several years. Thank you L-rd for these things!

At the beginning of this last summer, my old roommate told me she didn't want to live with me, but gave me no explanation and didn't talk to me while I was in another state with Mema. So, I scrambled, looking for an apartment on short notice. I was used to paying about $700-$750 a month for my rent and bills. I texted my current roommate and she offered to let me live with her and she told me she was freaking out about finding someone but that I texted and asked about it at the exact perfect time. After praying about wanting to pay about $500, she asked how much I was willing to pay. I told her about $700 was typical for me so I could do the $700. She came back and said she could only afford $500 and her parents were okay with both of us paying that little while they picked up the rest of the bills! Oh my gosh! So, even though I had a huge falling out with ex-roommate and her family, the L-rd blessed me and showed me that they are not company that I should have been keeping anyway. This falling out happened just after I broke up with EXboyfriend because he had raped me... so it's way better this way. That is only visible in hindsight though, I was devastated at the time!

I had a NICU job opportunity as a CNA awhile ago and my initial plans didn't match up with their needs so they passed on me, but then my plans changed to something that would have totally worked out for them. However, it was too late by that point. Shortly after that, I got my job as a CNA in the float pool. G-d allowed me to see real-life what we were learning about in class each time I went to work and allowed me to get better grades and a better understanding by these hands-on experiences. I also got to meet so many nurses on each floor and I feel like the most popular person when I show up to work because I have so many people stopping me and saying high to me at school, clinicals, and at work because of this job. I love it!

My relationships ending have shown me that I am worth much more than what I typically settle for with people. I pray that the L-rd has someone for me who is sweet, patient, forgiving, able to be a voice of reason for me, and able to handle my many hypomanic and depressive cycles... That's the true test. He needs to be accepted by my family and friends and not push my boundaries like every guy has tried to before.

Here's to hoping for and expecting the L-rd to work absolutely incredible miracles in my life after I ran myself deep into the ground with too many mistakes to count and too much brokenness to measure. Here's to thanking the L-rd for Divine Interventions in my life, even when things seem to be going well, because He can see past people's fake facades and their attempts at manipulating me. Praise the L-rd for keeping me!

What are you grateful for? What things in your life have not ended up how you wanted/expected, only for the L-rd to show you something so much better? What are you asking Him for today? More importantly, what are you thanking Him for?

Wedding of a Friend

A friend of mine got married today to a really sweet girl. He is from my Messianic Congregation and I don't know how he met her, but she's been attending the congregation for awhile now too.

I truly hope they have a great life and I pray that their marriage is blessed.

With all the well wishes, I can't help but grieve the dreams of mine that were dashed. Little did I know my life would change so drastically in a year. It was New Year's Day at about 0100 in the morning that I met exboyfriend. I didn't know he would take my first kiss. I didn't know that my world would be shattered. I didn't know that my dreams of any type of a Happily Ever After would go up in flames just a few short months later.

I truly do try to be happy for my friends who get to live in their happy little fairy tales while I am getting beat to death by the reality of the turn my life took because a guy that I was introduced to along the way refused to keep his hands and other appendages to himself. I thought it was bad watching friends get married when I was single. This is so much worse.

I don't believe in fairy tale endings. I am a very grounded person and I have no illusions that married life will be unicorns and rainbows like many of my friends tend to believe. So, why then was this the path that I have to walk? Why is it that I was given this burden? Why is my dream of a simple life burnt to the ground when all I've ever tried to do is be kind and try to follow the L-rd.

I'm slipping from Him lately. It's hard to see His light at the end of the tunnel when there are so many goblins and trolls along my journey to get to Him.

I miss who I used to be. I wish I would have never met him and I wish my life was the way it was a year ago. If it was, I know I could survive. Right now, it's dicey to know if I'll wake up in the morning or not.

Life of Adventure

When praying about fiance at the beginning of our relationship, the L-rd whispered to my heart we would have adventures, he would give me a life of adventure. This prayer occurred shortly after engagement which was a mere couple of months into our relationship.

This whisper was not a lie. We have had so many ups and downs I wonder most days if I am going crazy or not.

He came home early from work a couple weeks ago on the premise that he thought I was having problems and he wanted to help "fix" us and me. I have repeatedly told him that fixing people is G-d's job and I cannot be fixed in a conversation or two. He disagrees but we've been working through my Country Boy and exboyfriend stuff all summer and I feel like I've made very little progress. Mostly, I just need downtime to heal and start to make my life mine again. I don't feel like I have any control over anything anymore. Granted, how much do any of us control anything that happens to us? Is it not all in G-d's hands? So, I am learning to let go.

Today in church we talked about living a life of adventure. We learned about how the pastor and the church elders/employees feel that G-d is about to move in powerful ways and we are supposed to surrender and let the L-rd have at it. I completely agree, G-d is in control and it is silly for us to try to plan or control anything because everything happens on His time frame, not ours.

If you recall, I had tons of plans for the past two years to go work with Mema in her NICU because I was already offered a job there. She was going to let me pay low rent in exchange for help around the house and we could help each other out with job stuff and whatnot. Those plans went up in smoke this summer. I no longer have any idea of where I will work after graduation, where I will live, what state I will end up in, or even if I will work in the NICU.

If I cannot have kids, I do not want to work with babies (NICU/L&D) because I know I will get burnt out, cynical, and way depressed if I work with babies when I cannot have any. Lately, I have not even wanted to have children or be married because I don't want to drag other children into this world to go through terrible things. I have experienced some rough stuff, but so many other people go through so much more. I cannot bear witness to my children going through such hard life circumstances. I cannot even live through them myself.

I came to this conclusion after watching my mom struggle with my life choices and consequences and happenings the past few months. From her finding out about suicide attempts and self harm at the beginning of the summer, to her watching me go through rape stuff, she is having a hard time with my issues almost worse than I am. I don't want to go through that or watch my kids go through that. So, what do I do to fix such a potential situation? I simply avoid having children. Bam, no issue. If fiance and I do not happen to make it, I'm not saying we will or won't, but I will not try for another relationship. If I stay alone then I don't have to worry about having another person to care for and be concerned about, I will simply have to worry about myself and my work. Yes, it may be a lonely life, but honestly, I've gone through enough for a lifetime or two, I don't need to have anything else happen. I just wanted an easy, simple, pure life. That was stolen in a matter of months and I no longer strive to go for the dreams I had at the beginning of this past April. I just want to be done.

So, I am continually being pulled from listening to the L-rd as He confirms His whispers to me time and time again, to listening to the world/friends/parents/etc when they tell me to cut it off with fiance. How do I know what the L-rd meant by adventure? How do I know when to throw in the towel? I don't know what to do!!!!!

I'm getting burned out at work but I have to go in tonight. I desperately want another job but I don't have time to go through the training involved in getting a different job. What do I do? I'm struggling today, I don't want to do school, or work, or anything but sleep.

It is now Rosh Hashanah! (Jewish New Year!) So, shanah tovah! (Good year, it's like Happy New Year) May you be inscribed in the Book of Life and have a good year.

Another thing the L-rd keeps bringing to me is the thought of restoration. I want so badly to be restored and for fiance to be restored. We are both broken and the only way any of us can be fixed is to have the L-rd, the Creator, fix us. That was part of the message in church today too. Surrendering and being restored and allowing ourselves to be continually created by the One who created and continues to create us for His glory. So many days I wish I could go back in time and avoid all of this, but what if this can all be used for beauty? G-d's beauty. I want so badly to have beauty from these ashes, but I don't know how that can ever come about. Between my mistakes and the things that have happened, I don't feel worthy, I feel so dirty and beyond repair. I now understand the grief and cry in so many worship songs where I just didn't before. Songs that talk about us needing to surrender didn't make much sense before, now I get it.

Living with Regret

At one point or another, we all do something we regret. It could be taking a candy bar from the store, saying something that ends up hurting someone else, or going back on a personal promise made to G-d. I think I've done them all, but the last one is really getting to me. I kissed a boy before my wedding day.

Now, this isn't really a big deal. It was just a kiss and it's not like I dropped my pants and gave the guy my everything. Even then, it wouldn't be the end of the world. So why am I losing sleep over this small act? Why is it that I can have a lovely weekend with the boy, kissing him every once in awhile, and think nothing of it while I'm with him. Yet, as soon as I get in the car, my heart sinks to the floor and I am left with this nagging pain in my gut. I am faced with a whisper saying that I gave my first kiss away because I wasn't strong enough to maintain my boundaries. This is the voice of the enemy, but I cannot silence him because I have strayed from the L-rd. I have wandered outside of His flock in search of a love that only He can give and now I've given a piece of myself that I was saving for my husband.

No doubt the L-rd forgives. L-rd willing, my future husband will forgive me as well. Still, I cannot help but wish I could go back in the past and change that moment. Go back and not have given it away. But alas, G-d allows us to learn from our mistakes and move forward into the next set of mistakes. We are blessed to have a teaching G-d who also forgives when we mess up. Now I just wonder how to fix this. I don't know if I can.

My fear is of breaking hearts. I am terrified that life will become awkward and difficult in my small town situation with my life so intertwined with his. This is why I don't date, I can't handle hurting anyone else so I stay even if I hurt in the process.

I have to confess that I almost started cutting the other night. This is not healthy. I didn't do it, but the urge was stronger than I've felt since before my extremely rough season in 8th grade. My nausea and dizziness have resurfaced and my happiness (not joy, just superficial happiness) has disappeared. In it's wake, I am left hurting and scared. This happiness was just a momentary false front from the excitement that a boy was showing interest in me. I should not be depending on this in order to feel wanted, but I fell for it again. (P.S. I talked to Boyfriend and Beauty about the cutting ideations. I'm not going down that road again.)

Sweetness Turned Bitter

This weekend was really eye-opening. It was a little bit crazy. My head is still spinning and my heart is a little bit broken. Let's explore why, shall we?

Friday I went on another date with the new fella. I was sick so we mainly just drove around town. He stopped and helped some people who had gotten their car stuck on a back-road but they weren't listening to his advice, even though he is a mechanic, and so we left. He was supposed to sign the papers for his house that day but they ended up pushing that back for the billionth time but he got the keys to his house. Oh, and Roommate's sugar glider died while she was babysitting. I found him dead when I got back from the date. I feel really bad because that is the second small animal that has died on my watch in the past few months. He was doing okay until I went to feed him and he was super lethargic so I think he might have had a really bad electrolyte imbalance or an infection of some sort.

Saturday he had to work in the morning so he swung by and picked me up after work. He helped me get the dead critter out of his cage and get him all comfy for burial. Then I cleaned up the cage and took it all with us out to Roommate's house (which is near his place). We drove out to his current place. I met his grandparents. They took us to lunch and then we went out and saw his new place. It's a really nice house and his grandparents are so adorable! Then he brought me back into town and we went to Brother's house so they could meet, the local feed/clothing store, the home improvement store to look at paint and appliances for his house. That was kinda funny because people kept asking me if I needed help but I'm not even the one buying the house or the appliances. I think they thought we were engaged or married because I had my purity rings on my left hand ring finger... He took me to dinner and we played pool for awhile. Then I had him take me home because I was exhausted and I wanted him to be able to have a decent chance at sleep. But I swung by brother's house so I could talk the day over with him real quick.

When he brought me to Roommate's mom's house to drop off the critter, New Fella was acting really weird. He told me that he had taken Roommate's cousin on a couple dates and didn't want to see her so I let him stay in the car. There was a family gathering in the house and the cousin was there. When I walked in I was getting death glares but I ignored them because I didn't think I had done anything wrong. Little did I know, New Fella started talking to me the same time he started talking to Roommate's cousin. He took her on a couple dates right before he started taking me on dates. He explained all of this in the car ride on the way back to town (45 minute drive) and all of the puzzle pieces started falling into place. He kept saying things to me on the first couple dates that were just off but I brushed them aside because he had been drinking the night we met. Turns out he was just confusing the two of us.

Oh, but it gets better! Right after he explains all of this to me, we go walking around the feed store. Guess who we run into in the store! Go ahead, guess! The cousin's mom. Guess who we parked next to... The cousin's mom and the cousin's dad was in the truck! Guess who just so happened to be driving the exact way we needed to be going to get to Brother's house... You're so smart, the same people! New Fella was flustered and super red all over. I thought it was funny at the time, but the more I think about it and talk with Roommate, the more it bugs me. Why was she so convinced the relationship was going so well that she called him her boyfriend after only a couple of dates? I know what it is like to be the other girl in this situation and I got so mad! You know who did it to me? If you've been reading and maybe keeping track with my roundabout thought process, you'll know that's what Country Boy did before I stopped talking to me and he died shortly after that. I don't need trouble with Roommate's family and his grandmother works with Roommate's mom at the town bank. I went to a dance New Year's Eve and I get dropped into a huge, dramatic ordeal after only talking with this boy for maybe three weeks. Is this the L-rd telling me it's a no-go? The L-rd already told me it wouldn't last and I prayed for signs for the New Fella (NF) because that's what NF goes off of instead of prayer and hearing from the L-rd.

Recap of why Saturday was rough: Sugar Glider died and I had to take it to Roommate's house to be buried. This uncovered huge drama with the cousin.

Today (Sunday) I slept in and then he came back into town to go to an antique store with his cousin and the cousin's girlfriend. It was pretty fun! But we were clicking so well and now something feels wrong. It all just feels wrong which sucks because it was going really well. It was easy to talk about liking each other. It was easy to hold hands and just chill. It was easy to share some of my secrets with him. We agree and give the same answers to so many questions that we ask each other to get to know each other. It was easy but it just feels heavy now.

I need to talk with him and explain my situation but I have a hard time bringing up these tough conversations. Things were getting good, we were meeting each others friends and families. We were discussing hypothetical children and fake weddings. I am currently helping him situate his house and get it decorated.

If this is the end I don't want to wait forever for another guy to come along. I have been praying for years, I have gone through some pretty heavy stuff to get to this point and I was so excited that I am happy. I am the traditional kind of happy because I finally met a guy that has a ton of things in common with me and we mesh so much better than Country Boy and I did. I finally felt cherished by a human guy and I just started to understand why people act funny when they find a significant other.

Even though I don't want to wait forever for another guy, I also don't know that this is completely right. It's hard feeling like I have something that I've wanted for so long dangled in front of my face only to have it snatched right back after only a couple of weeks. It's hard to know that I will have to blindly trust the L-rd to either bring me someone else or allow me to be single for another frickin' long season of life, it feels like this is my millionth long and tough season of trusting. I'm heavy with disappointment and yet I am still talking with New Fella as if everything were okay because I haven't gotten enough courage built up to bring up the hard stuff.

Shiftin' Gears

I'm going to start with a confession. Several really, but the main one is that I like to shift really fast in my manual car when I am stressed. For some reason it helps me blow off some steam. I don't go fast enough that I get a "fast driving award" (my uncle's name for a speeding ticket), I just shift faster than all of the automatic cars next to me and I feel like a boss!

So, coming home from my parent's house yesterday, I was frustrated because I had been on the highway for about an hour in traffic, then I got stuck behind some joker who decided to go 10 mph under the speed limit and then just had to get off on MY exit. Yes, I know how selfish and irrational that is, but don't tell me you don't have them thoughts too! Anywho, we were then both turning left. Fortunately, there were two separate turning lanes. I get past them just to meet them again at another red light. L-rd, what are you doing to me? I'm just trying to get home so that I can change to get to church on time!!! As my blood started boiling at this silly red light, I crank up the tunes and get ready for green. When that green light came I was first through the intersection until some little blue car that looked like it was actually supposed to be able to go that fast passed me up. We were so far in front of anyone else that it didn't matter anymore and so I got up to speed and just kept driving as normal. Awhile later I needed into the lane they were in. I noticed that they slowed from their racing pace and the passenger was waving out of the moon roof. I figured they were waving at the car next to them, so I didn't think anything of it when they stuck their arm out the window and brought it back in about 4 times. When I got to my turn off, they slowed their car, got next to mine and rolled down the passenger window! Oh my gosh! I don't know what they were doing, but they were some cute guys and I'm hopin' they were surprised that it was a girl in a redneck lookin' SUV shiftin' as smooth and as quick as I was. I don't know about flirting in any capacity, but they way that guy was lookin' at me, I'm thinkin' he may have been flirt-waving at me... They may have also been waving at me because they beat me. I don't know.

Anyway, I am hoping it was the first reason because it made me feel pretty darn cool that my little car almost beat their actual racing car and then they realized that I'm a girl. I didn't wave back because I was so shocked, but I gave the guy riding shotgun a bit of a smile.

I can't believe I almost forgot to tell y'all that story!

Another confession is that it made me feel pretty good after my break up. This whole relationship has made me feel so unstable. I knew I have chronic depression, severe anxiety, and possibly some other psychological problems and I knew that that was something I would need to work on before I ever started anything with anyone, regardless of how well they knew me beforehand. Along with everything else that I ignored about a month and a half ago, I ignored that. So, when I was strapped into this roller-coaster with another human, I realized how nuts I actually am instead of being able to down-play it the way I normally do. Now that we've broken up, and even during our time "together," I was wondering if I would ever be able to have an actual relationship that leads to a marriage and the rest of my life spent with someone. I still don't know if that is possible, but I am still highly unnerved because I learned so much about myself and it's not good stuff. I never realized how selfish, unstable, weird, nerdy, selfish, quirky, difficult, selfish, lonely, independent, selfish, judgmental, hypocritical, selfish, and ridiculous I am. Yes, I threw selfish in there several times, but even that is a conservative estimate of how selfish I actually am. Those are also just the easy examples that come to mind right now, there is a laundry list of thousands of terrible personality traits I discovered about myself. It's been a rough month and a half. Good news, though, I was wondering if G-d had been telling me to get rid of my kissing policy, turns out He hasn't. So, I am so glad that I didn't do that in this relationship. He was just being quite to see what I would do... I don't like it when He does that...

I listened to the World...

Let's take just a moment to realize all that the L-rd does for us and all that He leads us through. He has led me through countless months of depression, episodes of anxiety, stressful exam weeks, bad grades, doubt, illness/injuries, bad friendships, and so much more that I can't even recall at this point. Not to mention, He is constantly working in ways that we may never be able to see. He protects us, lets us make little mistakes and then fixes them or teaches us to live with the consequences. He blesses us with circumstances to learn from, faith building opportunities, and even times when the blessings aren't in disguise. Oh how I long for some more "see-able" blessings, but I know they are there even when I am so self-involved I am unable to notice them all around.

Now, let's talk advice. I'm not going to shell any out. Let's just discuss where we get our advice from. I would like to tell myself that I listen to G-d for advice. In reality, I call my parents to ask them. I then take their input and compare it to what my friends say. Then, I weigh my options and take that back to my parents. This, of course, must be discussed with the social circle again and maybe even on Facebook. By the end of the decision making spiral, I'm past the point to make the decision and no conclusion has been decided upon.

Guess what happens when I actually do make a decision using this method. You're probably right, it turns out VERY BADLY!!! Actually, it can often result in catastrophic issues. Well, y'all know I exaggerate slightly, right? I do. This catastrophic occurrence may be fixable, but it is darn near impossible to fix without G-d taking over my whole mess. His grace and love have fixed my life more times than I can even imagine.

Why do I do this? I know that my life will be in all sorts of shambles when I use this decision making process, but I cannot convince myself to just take it to Him to begin with.

I keep listening to the World lately. That's why I bring this up. My World even includes my mom, trusted family friends, mentors, and other people I considered wise and trusted. However, it is not their fault that my life is currently more than I can handle. Yes, they gave me foolish advice but G-d had told me years ago what I needed to do. I made the dumbest decision and went against that. Now my bad decisions are causing me multiple panic attacks a day (I had 5 in one 3 hour class), I am stressed to the max, my focus is non-existent (which is really like being in the negatives because it didn't exist before), and I'm angry all the time. Most of this anger is at myself for being such a foolish girl and the rest of it is pure sinful anger at nothing at all. I'm quickly spiraling into a worse and worse situation.

Regardless of this mess I'm still digging myself into, G-d gives me moments of peace when I choose to go to Him for protection, grace, calm, relief and Shalom. He knows I screwed up. He also knows how this whole thing will end and how to get me through it. His love abounds and it is completely unfathomable. My mind is blown at how Great, Awesome, Wonderful, Loving, Merciful, Gracious, Incredible, and *insert more/better adjectives for G-d here* Ad-nai truly is. In the midst of my terrible store, I am filled with love and calm. This is especially amazing because I don't even feel this calm and peaceful when I'm not going through "Life's Storms" (or the storms I create for myself).

Praise the L-rd for His forgiveness and patience! Praise the L-rd simply because He is who He is despite who we are.

Never thought this day would come...

No I'm not talking about getting married, having kids, or any number of "normal" things that would fit under this category. I'm talking about getting to be a mentor.

Today, I was called up by a dear family friend. We helped develop a church together, and my mom has been her hairstylist for probably over a decade. Anyway, she called today, asking me to give her daughter advice. I am so honored that she would think of me to speak into her child's life. I have had people speak into my life before and it can be powerful, either good or bad. To be asked to advise somebody's baby (okay, she's 14, but everybody is somebody's baby) is a huge responsibility. Plus, she knows just about everybody in the world because she is so kind, she could have asked anyone. Instead, she called me even though my family left the church we attended together close to 4 years ago.

This whole thing has got me thinking about what I should say to her daughter, and what I should be speaking over my friends, family, and the children I babysit. Of course, it isn't the same for everybody, but it reminds me of the song, "The Words I Would Say," by Sidewalk Prophets. It's chorus goes:

Be strong in the Lord and
never give up hope.
You're gonna do great things
I already know
God's got his hand on you so
don't live life in fear
forgive and forget
but don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say


These words are so true! Folks, we need to be encouraging and lifting up our brothers and sisters in the Messiah. Speak life over each other instead of gossiping behind their back. Pray over each other so that we may be strengthened. Let's face it, life is tough. Since life is tough, we need to build each other up in all ways and cease the process of tearing others down, whether they are believers or not. Only then can we all stand strong and really reach the poor and hurting.


My challenge for you all: pray about someone in your life who may be struggling. If the L-rd lays someone on your heart, even if they normally seem happy or strong face-to-face, talk to them. Ask them if you can pray with them for anything. Encourage opening up the conversation and share your heart. Let them know of some of your struggles so that they will be comfortable opening up to you about theirs.

The lady that called me did that for me when my family lost our house. It was really rough on me. Not only had we lost our house, but we left the church we had been at for 10+ years, we were helping start a new church, and nothing was going right. One day, as we were working at the new church, she asked me how I was. I said I was doing fine. She looked into my eyes and asked me, "How are you really?" Just thinking about it makes me start to tear up and I don't cry a whole lot. Knowing that she new my struggles and knowing that she didn't want the down-pat "church" answer touched me. She could see past my business face and the strength that I hide behind to know that I was crumbling. To this day I don't think she knows how much that moment has meant to me. During that short conversation, I felt like I belonged. I have never, ever felt that way. Here I go with the waterworks... Still to this day I don't feel like I belong anywhere, but I can remember what it felt like to have a true sister in the L-rd be able to see past my facade into my world of hurt and actually care. I know people care, but they usually just take the, "I'm fine," response and go on with their business. She didn't. G-d helped to pull me through one of my bad days of depression through her and her sincerity. So, we need to do that for each other.


Stand with me and start asking people how they are doing. Don't just ask them just to receive the normal, easy response. Look at them and ask again, "How are you really doing?" It's hard to keep it from sounding like you're being sarcastic, but practice and pray about it.

Super Simple

I'm staying simple today because I'm exhausted and ready for bed!

So, here are my Daily Thanksgivings: I had an excellent day at work today. My residents are making work more fun, now that I am finally getting slightly faster. Also, G-d is making work much easier for me. Today's weather was absolutely gorgeous! I was able to talk to one of my friends about something that I had been scared to talk about, and it actually went really well and I disguised it as a joke, but they got the message. Praise the L-rd for that!!!

Also, 3 weeks of school left before summer! I know I am using a lot of exclamation points, but it's just a good day. I am so ready to be done with school and I am ready to no longer be a freshman. L-rd willing, I will only have 3 years left until I'm a nurse, but we will see how that goes...

How are y'all doing? Any exciting news? Any advice for the HESI coming up here shortly? Are any of you fixin' to take it this summer too? (Lots of questions I know, but join in the conversation, I would love to hear from you and we can freak out about grades and nursing school together!)