Exfiance and I had been talking since the breakup a few weeks ago. I ended that last night. Well, I called him to see if he would go to some places that brought back a lot of flashbacks. Desensitization therapy, kinda. He said he would so I met him at the first place. He didn't want to go in right away, he wanted to talk for awhile. So, I got in his truck an we talked. It's been the same thing over and over since the breakup. He says he misses me and wants to fix us. I tell him it's too late. He says it's not. Blah, blah, blah. We have this conversation almost every day.
Last night, we went to two of my hundreds of bad places and spent nearly 4 hours in his truck talking and maybe 10 minutes in one store. Then we started talking in front of the other one but never went in. He finally yelled at me. I was waiting for it because he has yelled at me for everything we've ever "discussed" in the course of our relationship. He says it's my dad's fault that we broke up and that I broke up with him out of no where. On my end, I agree that my dad not approving the engagement was what finally tipped me over the edge, but that's not what put the final nail in the coffin. I have been explaining to exfiance that he needed to treat me better, put down his phone when I'm out with him, talk to me, open up about stuff, tell me the truth about stuff, stop lying to me, stop putting me down every chance he gets, stop making fun of me to his friends (WHILE I'M THERE!), and just being a decent person to me in general. FROM THE VERY BEGINNING! I have given him so many chances. He kept telling me he would change and try to be good to me but that was just to get me to be back in a relationship with him. Then he would go right back to being mean to me.
I finally told him that last night. I don't know where the strength came from, but after two places and him yelling at me for about 4 hours and continually trying to kiss me, I had had enough. I flat out told him that I was done. I told him that I had been trying to be friends with him, but he was always pushing the relationship. He didn't respect me enough to stop trying to kiss me when we were no longer going out, he wouldn't stop grabbing my butt, he wouldn't stop doing the things that angered me in the relationship even though he says he's changed and he's totally different now. Bullshit. He started selling himself to me saying "let's just try it for a month, or to the end of this month, or for 3 days. Give me 3 days and I'll show you I'm different. Give me 24 hours, or 12 hours!" He just kept talking and talking the way he does when he is selling (hussling) people in the mall at the kiosk he now works at.
I told him that I tried the friend thing, but maybe we should just stop talking cold turkey. He started using his same manipulative tactics that I now recognize from the other times I've tried to leave. This time, however, I saw through it all. I see that he wants me but he doesn't see my value. He wants to put me in a box and he wants me to do whatever he wants. He thinks I'll cower and let him control me.
He drove off pissed off beyond belief last night. His go-to emotion has always been anger and it used to make me feel bad. Now, I say what I mean. No more beating around the bush, saying stuff "nice" so that he won't blow up. Nope, I laid it all out, very few words, and I let him be angry with me. I showed no emotion and had none to really show anyway. I felt so strong and freed at the end of that when he was driving away and I was getting in my car. I apologized for calling him into town for such a stupid reason, and I told him that we were no more. I had given him some books that I used when I was trying to get our relationship to work and I asked for them all back. He kept one saying it would be an excuse to come and see me again. He can have it because it was probably $3 and I'll just get another one if I even think I want to read it again.
I'm done.
I've learned a lot though! I've seen firsthand accounts of a manipulative relationship. I've learned that if my family doesn't like him then that's a red flag. However, they liked exboyfriend and we all know how that ended. If someone has a lot of dramatic stories, that is a red flag. When someone wants to isolate you and tells you to tell your friends and family to fuck off if they don't like the relationship, that's a huge problem. Unfortunately, I've learned that not everyone is as truthful as I try to be. Many people do bad things and rationalize it to themselves that the other person made them do it. That's not healthy. I've learned that I am stronger than I believed I was. I don't deserve manipulative relationships. I don't deserve being forced into a physical relationship and guys worth while won't force physical stuff on you. They will wait and respect what you want. I've also learned that many friendships aren't as deep as I thought they were. Many people can't handle the stuff I have to live through because of my poor choices. I have learned that when I cannot handle things, I need to be able to go to a trusted person so that they can provide outside advice on the situation. If it is bad from their point of view, then maybe I'm not being crazy and something is actually wrong. I've also learned that I am able to handle this stuff on my own, with the help of the L-rd because people cannot handle my baggage.
Do you guys remember best friend from when I first started blogging? We had a crush on each other and I was nervous about him asking me out. We went out for about 3 weeks, where I completely avoided him that whole time, and then I broke up with him. He started texting me a couple months ago. Lately, I told him what had happened with exboyfriend and exfiance. He is being so sweet and supportive, like a friend should. He has a girlfriend and I don't want to take him from her, but I forgot how much I missed him. He gives me hope that there is a decent guy out there for me. He was always respectful of my boundaries and always just wanted to talk and get to know me deeper. He didn't rush the physical stuff. He was my friend first for several years before he tried to get anywhere else with me. Even then, he was my friend first and boyfriend second. I miss him so terribly but I am so glad the the L-rd has brought him back as my friend. I pray that I find a guy like him again. Those guys usually get married really quick, though, because girls come and snatch them up really quick.
Oh well, here's to hoping the L-rd has someone with a lot of grace, kindness, goodness, respect, love, forgiveness, and understanding. Someone who can handle all my crazy and love me for my heart.
Why did I not wait for a guy like that? Why did I settle twice and land myself in a ditch?
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