Should I give the good or bad news first? I guess they're both sort of good, but one you have to put a spin on to find it to be a silver lining.
Okay, negative one first.
I "broke up" with Jersey today. She's been a massive thorn in my side for months now and she does not calm down her aggressiveness. After several hours of writing out what I want to say, several nights of venting to Roomie, and a handful of counseling sessions wasted, it finally happened. She kept bugging me for a meeting to "talk things out". Well, okay, I will "talk things out" but I refuse to be friends with Jersey anymore.
We set a time for an appointment to talk on the phone. I told her that I get 10 minutes to talk where she doesn't get to interrupt me. I got done with my spiel in about 5-7 minutes, told her she could go for it for 10 minutes and then that was it. She hung up, saying she needed to go to lab. She was crying and asked for specific examples for some of the reasons I gave for why I was not going to be her friend anymore. I refused because I was not going to get into the typical argument she likes to start up.
We took Roomie's dog for an hour long hike and I came back to a text from Jersey asking for the letter. What letter? The letter I wrote to send to her... What the hell? I wrote notes, but there was no letter. So, she asked for that and she wanted me to mail it. She told me it was so that she could "better reflect on the points that I made so that she could become a better person." That is the biggest load of shit I've ever heard. I again refused to do as she asked and that's when all of her bullshit came out. I was waiting for it!!! I did not give the letter to her in the first place because I know how she tries to pick the little details out and then attempt to excuse it away. She also has a tendency to show things like that to all of her friends in order to gain sympathy. Well, she'll just have to go fishing for sympathy without my notes. I saved them though, in my counseling binder. I want to remember how strong I was.
It was a hard thing to do. I am not one to burn bridges or try to hurt others. However, I'm not going to cower and let her walk all over me anymore. I tried to blow it off but she wasn't going to let it go. Okay, fine. You don't want to let it go and you want to ignore my feelings and how your actions effect anyone else? I won't ignore the way my actions effect you, but I will absolutely cut you out of my life.
She ended up texting me something to the effect of, "my last words for you is that karma is a bitch." Actually, that's exactly what the text said. Oh honey, don't even. This phone call was Justice being served because you see no wrong in any of your actions. I don't believe in karma, but do not mess with me and expect anything to improve for you.
You do not fuck with me.
I will no longer be walked on.
So, the good news from that whole story is that Jersey knows we are no longer friends. There is no hope and I am not going to talk to her anymore. I spoke my peace and I'm done with her. I blocked her on Facebook, snapchat, and from texting/calling me. I cannot block her from class, but she knows that it's done. If she asks to talk to me I'm going to tell her no and that I have other things I have to go to. I said what I needed to say and she had a chance to do the same. That was it, and I told her that was her last chance.
In happy news, I had a date!!! Dating is scary, but especially after meeting nothing but bad guys, even through friends and family recommendations. This guy has been talking with me for weeks. I finally agreed to meet him in a public place and it went well. I'm not so good at small talk, and I brought down the conversation a few times, but we had a lot of laughs and some random, exciting adventures.
We started by going to Bass Pro. We walked across the parking lot to dinner and to grab a beer because I told him I wouldn't ride in a vehicle with him. During dinner, he asked why I won't let him drive me, I told him that exfiance essentially kidnapped me at one point. Which did actually happen. After that, he understood that my pain goes deeper than typical girls simply being upset with their exes. He didn't pry anymore into that aspect of my life and the night went on. After dinner, he asked what I wanted to do. After a few minutes of discussion, I decided I wanted to see puppies. So, we drove separately to the mall and saw some puppies!
We spent a couple hours in the mall, just visiting random stores. At one point we ended up going prom dress shopping and I almost convinced him to try one on! I took him to every girly store in the mall, just to see how much of a fit he would throw and he didn't throw a single one!!! He smelled candles with me at the candle place, he looked at puppies with me, looked at dresses, and we even went shoe shopping. I told him I had never been but he was all game. Granted, I lasted a solid 30 seconds in the shoe place before I got bored, so we left pretty quick. Regardless, he handled the entire date, and my weird conversations and odd activity requests really well.
At the end of the date, he walked me to my car and asked for a second date. I think he was trying for a kiss, but I didn't let him get too close. We agreed to keep talking and I told him another date would be fun, but he didn't get a kiss that night. He probably won't for awhile, if we decide that it's a relationship worth pursuing. That'll be a rough discussion because I'm headed away and I carry a lot of baggage still.
So, I have a relationship potentially starting while another was cut clean off. Odd thing is, I feel free after the friend "break-up" just like I feel more free after break-ups with the toxic guys I've kicked to the curb.
Y'all, I'm growing!
Showing posts with label growth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label growth. Show all posts
Saturday, April 9, 2016
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Serious Struggles = Breakdown on Phone with Mother
Guys I was having a rough 24 hours yesterday. Actually, it all happened in about 18 hours, but whatever.
About a week and a half ago (on a Friday) I get a call to say that I don't have to work Sunday. They call me back the following Friday to say, "Hey, you have to come in now." Nobody asked if I had plans or studying or anything else going on since they gave me the day off. So, naturally, I steamed about it for a few days and went in anyway. Work was fine but I was the only float for all 4 courts so I was bounced around pretty heavily all night. Then, I got to go home. By the time I walked into my apartment door it was 10 p.m. and I had loads of homework to do.
Now, let me remind you that the facility recently changed their key policy from allowing every employee to have their own set of keys, to now requiring you to check keys out because they took them away from us. Why? A power trip by a whole set of new managers. As part of this policy, if you forget to check your keys back in and put them in the box, you have to drive all the way back to work to return to them before you get written up.
Guess what I found in my pocket as I was taking off my shoes at home? You guessed it you smart person! I found my keys. If I hadn't been so exhausted, I think I probably would have punch a hole in the wall because I was livid. Anger doesn't even begin to describe it. I was mad at myself for being so stupid for not returning my keys and I was even angrier at the facility and manager who thought this stupid policy would be a good idea.
So, a 30 minuted drive there and back later, I had cooled off slightly. G-d, in His infinite love and kindness, allowed me to hit all green lights even when other cars were waiting at intersections and nobody was traveling the way I was. He allowed me to be irrationally angry at a situation that doesn't really matter in the scheme of things and even helped me to cool down. He also kept me from the millions of cops that I saw because I was speeding a bit due to the rage boiling over inside of me. I don't think I've ever been so surprised by how G-d's worked in my life than I was that night.
After about 3 hours of homework, I woke up asleep at my computer. 5 hours later, I'm being woken up by about 12 alarms distributed throughout my room to ensure that I do, in fact, wake up and don't sleep through them. Went to class, no big deal.
Then, at my IT job, everything that could go wrong did. I rode on the elevator to the wrong floor while trying to take a computer to a teacher. That computer didn't work so I called my partner but accidentally ended up calling my boss. I ran upstairs, grabbed another one, took the stupid elevator again and went to the wrong floor, AGAIN! At some point I had to reimage a computer. Each time, it takes 30 minutes, and I had to do it twice because I thought I did it wrong. After talking to my partner, he confirmed it. (It turns out that computer was just broken too, so that made me feel a little bit better, but it was a whole day after that incident.)
So, after all of that nonesense, I went home and called my mom instead of going to the gym. We talked about my dating policies because I have recently been reconsidering my kissing thing but I don't know if that's just because I'm listening to country music or if it's because G-d is testing me or maybe He didn't even encourage me to make that policy. I don't know. So, we talked about her experiences and I asked questions I never thought I would ask ever, let alone to my mom... At some point I broke down and she encouraged me to have a boyfriend "just because they're fun and it would help you to understand more social cues." Seriously, that's what she said. We all know I'm not developed past a 5th grade social status, but I don't know that jumping into a random relationship would help that any.
The reason that came up though, is because I had breakfast with my best friend. This best friend is the same one that asked me out last year. I hadn't seen him in several months and when I did it was weird because he and my other friend were unpleased with each other so then I felt like I was running interference. But my crush that had been so difficult to get over suddenly hit me like a train at dinner. It was so weird. Plus, the waitress thought we were dating so she only gave us one ticket and he paid for me and that was really weird for me. So I brought all that to my mom and that made me start crying because I don't know what's happening. When I don't know what's happening in my own head/heart, I freak out and seriously question all of my life decisions.
Lately, G-d keeps showing me blog posts and random articles through Facebook, or some really unexpected places, about dating through a G-dly person's perspective. One such article can be found here. I strongly suggest that you read it because I thought I was some independent, strong-willed girl that didn't listen to Hollywood's fairy tales and the silliness that Disney movies try to feed us about "love". Turns out that I'm influenced heavily and it is not allowing me to hear G-d's voice about what He wants for me as a person that can potentially date. For now, I'm throwing out all of my past rules and I'm starting from scratch with what I pray is G-d's voice, ONLY. I guess we'll see where that leads because I'm totally in the dark. Also, it's making me freak out a bit more, but it's not as unsettling because I know G-d is in control and I'm not holding on for dear life. It's a faith exercise.
Speaking of exercise, I went to the gym a lot last week and got down to 5 pound lost total so far. This week, however, is not fairing so well with the exercising establishment because I'm plumb exhausted and a bit lazy this week. Hopefully I will find some motivation to go to the gym again. I'm getting better at distance running for longer times and also faster running. It makes me feel to much better to go do something that makes me sweat and gets my anxiousness out in a more productive way that causing me heart palpitations and mild panic attacks.
I think that's all I have for now. I should probably go study...
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d totally understands me even in my irrational anger. He is changing me for the better and stretching me in ways I didn't think were possible. I've lost 5 pounds and feel a bit better about myself. I'm looking forward to being able to run a whole mile in under 8 minute.
About a week and a half ago (on a Friday) I get a call to say that I don't have to work Sunday. They call me back the following Friday to say, "Hey, you have to come in now." Nobody asked if I had plans or studying or anything else going on since they gave me the day off. So, naturally, I steamed about it for a few days and went in anyway. Work was fine but I was the only float for all 4 courts so I was bounced around pretty heavily all night. Then, I got to go home. By the time I walked into my apartment door it was 10 p.m. and I had loads of homework to do.
Now, let me remind you that the facility recently changed their key policy from allowing every employee to have their own set of keys, to now requiring you to check keys out because they took them away from us. Why? A power trip by a whole set of new managers. As part of this policy, if you forget to check your keys back in and put them in the box, you have to drive all the way back to work to return to them before you get written up.
Guess what I found in my pocket as I was taking off my shoes at home? You guessed it you smart person! I found my keys. If I hadn't been so exhausted, I think I probably would have punch a hole in the wall because I was livid. Anger doesn't even begin to describe it. I was mad at myself for being so stupid for not returning my keys and I was even angrier at the facility and manager who thought this stupid policy would be a good idea.
So, a 30 minuted drive there and back later, I had cooled off slightly. G-d, in His infinite love and kindness, allowed me to hit all green lights even when other cars were waiting at intersections and nobody was traveling the way I was. He allowed me to be irrationally angry at a situation that doesn't really matter in the scheme of things and even helped me to cool down. He also kept me from the millions of cops that I saw because I was speeding a bit due to the rage boiling over inside of me. I don't think I've ever been so surprised by how G-d's worked in my life than I was that night.
After about 3 hours of homework, I woke up asleep at my computer. 5 hours later, I'm being woken up by about 12 alarms distributed throughout my room to ensure that I do, in fact, wake up and don't sleep through them. Went to class, no big deal.
Then, at my IT job, everything that could go wrong did. I rode on the elevator to the wrong floor while trying to take a computer to a teacher. That computer didn't work so I called my partner but accidentally ended up calling my boss. I ran upstairs, grabbed another one, took the stupid elevator again and went to the wrong floor, AGAIN! At some point I had to reimage a computer. Each time, it takes 30 minutes, and I had to do it twice because I thought I did it wrong. After talking to my partner, he confirmed it. (It turns out that computer was just broken too, so that made me feel a little bit better, but it was a whole day after that incident.)
So, after all of that nonesense, I went home and called my mom instead of going to the gym. We talked about my dating policies because I have recently been reconsidering my kissing thing but I don't know if that's just because I'm listening to country music or if it's because G-d is testing me or maybe He didn't even encourage me to make that policy. I don't know. So, we talked about her experiences and I asked questions I never thought I would ask ever, let alone to my mom... At some point I broke down and she encouraged me to have a boyfriend "just because they're fun and it would help you to understand more social cues." Seriously, that's what she said. We all know I'm not developed past a 5th grade social status, but I don't know that jumping into a random relationship would help that any.
The reason that came up though, is because I had breakfast with my best friend. This best friend is the same one that asked me out last year. I hadn't seen him in several months and when I did it was weird because he and my other friend were unpleased with each other so then I felt like I was running interference. But my crush that had been so difficult to get over suddenly hit me like a train at dinner. It was so weird. Plus, the waitress thought we were dating so she only gave us one ticket and he paid for me and that was really weird for me. So I brought all that to my mom and that made me start crying because I don't know what's happening. When I don't know what's happening in my own head/heart, I freak out and seriously question all of my life decisions.
Lately, G-d keeps showing me blog posts and random articles through Facebook, or some really unexpected places, about dating through a G-dly person's perspective. One such article can be found here. I strongly suggest that you read it because I thought I was some independent, strong-willed girl that didn't listen to Hollywood's fairy tales and the silliness that Disney movies try to feed us about "love". Turns out that I'm influenced heavily and it is not allowing me to hear G-d's voice about what He wants for me as a person that can potentially date. For now, I'm throwing out all of my past rules and I'm starting from scratch with what I pray is G-d's voice, ONLY. I guess we'll see where that leads because I'm totally in the dark. Also, it's making me freak out a bit more, but it's not as unsettling because I know G-d is in control and I'm not holding on for dear life. It's a faith exercise.
Speaking of exercise, I went to the gym a lot last week and got down to 5 pound lost total so far. This week, however, is not fairing so well with the exercising establishment because I'm plumb exhausted and a bit lazy this week. Hopefully I will find some motivation to go to the gym again. I'm getting better at distance running for longer times and also faster running. It makes me feel to much better to go do something that makes me sweat and gets my anxiousness out in a more productive way that causing me heart palpitations and mild panic attacks.
I think that's all I have for now. I should probably go study...
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d totally understands me even in my irrational anger. He is changing me for the better and stretching me in ways I didn't think were possible. I've lost 5 pounds and feel a bit better about myself. I'm looking forward to being able to run a whole mile in under 8 minute.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Scholarship
I got a call a couple days ago about a possible scholarship award. They said they had moved my application from one scholarship to another because I fit it better and now I have an interview! It would be such a blessing to get this scholarship because it is really big and I don't know how else I will be able to pay for next year. L-rd willing, I will be able to get this scholarship, plus the RA position.
By the way, I still have no headway on what I am going to do about this guy that may have a thing for me. The more I talk to people, the more unclear I get. When I talk to G-d I don't really seem to be getting the big signs that I am looking for either and I am not quite sure how to listen to His still, quiet voice. I don't know what to do!!! And this is really frustrating that I cannot get a straight answer. Some people know my plans and they say that G-d will let whatever happen happen. Yes, I know G-d will let whatever happens happen, but that does not let me know if I should go ahead in a relationship or not. Other people tell me that it is just part of the "college experience" to date people and it should be fun to have a boyfriend. To me, dating is not a hobby or an experience. Dating, in my opinion, is like a trial for marriage. It should be taken seriously and used to get to know a person before you get hitched because marriage is a lifetime commitment. It should be fun, don't get me wrong, but dating is not just something to do just for the fun of it. So, I am back to square one, not knowing if my plans are truly the ones set up by myself and G-d, or if He is telling me to go ahead and scratch my plans to go for something better. To tell you the truth, I don't know how I got all of my plans and requirements and if I stick with them, there is a HUGE chance I will never, ever, ever date anyone. Therefore, I will never be able to get married. This is one of those days where I would love to sit down and have coffee with G-d. Well, tea for me because I get heart palpatations from caffiene or too much sugar... But I just want Him to hug me and tell me it's going to be alright and I need Him to tell me what to do. If only I could have coffee with Him, maybe I would have peace and reassurance in what I need to do.
This reminds me, I have not been treating Him right lately. He has not been my top priority, I have been my top priority. That is probably why my depression is coming back, that is likely why I feel helpless, and it is also why I am down in the dumps even though my life seems to be turning around and getting "better". To tell you the truth, I have not been reading the Word every night like I normally do, I have not been going to any churches or congregations at all, I haven't been watching anything online either. I have put Him on the backburner because I figured school is right now and G-d will always be there. While it is true He will always be there, we have the choice of whether to nourish and build the relationship with Him, or to let it dwindle. When we build the relationship with Him, He takes care of our entire life and allows everything to fall into place. However, when we let the relationship dwindle or take push it aside, we push Him out of our life and He lets us "drive" on our own for a little bit. Obviously not completely, because if I were driving completely by myself, I would not be alive anylonger. But He lets us think we are taking the wheel so that we can realize that we are helpless. So, my grades are not doing well, work is extremely difficult, I can't hear Him because there is too much inbetween us (all of it on my side of the me and G-d connection), and the Enemy now has a ton of footholds in my life because I am not surrendered to Ad-nai completely. This is a miserable place to be. Again, it makes me want to go to coffee and apologize and begin to build our relationship back up, but that is not how it works. So, I will begin again, asking for forgiveness and working to put Him first. Now I understand why so many people fall away from the faith when they go to college. It is so easy to let church or congregation slide, to let fun things infiltrate your free time and to avoid things you know as right when the world is offering entertainment and "good" feelings.
Daily Thanksgiving: I am so very grateful for G-d's forgiveness. His love is overwhelming and even though I know I messed up willingly, He takes me back once I admit that I was in the wrong and work towards getting closer to Him. I am grateful that He allows us to make mistakes because it means that He allows us to have complete free will. Many days I wish He would just tell me what to do, but where would faith come into play? He allows us to fall so that He may build us up for His glory. I am grateful that He has kept me safe and that He has chosen me to live this life. I am also grateful that the biggest problem in my life right now, is figuring out whether or not I should date someone. In reality, this is not a big problem at all, I just overthink everything and make a mountain out of a mole hill. I am also thankful that G-d is working with me on that...
For those of you who pray to the One true G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob: please pray for favor in my RA position attempt and also for favor for the scholarship. I am asking for favor for the largest scholarship award they allow because I really need that plus the RA position to get headway in paying for next year. Also, please pray for my acceptance into the nursing program and a really good score on the HESI.
Does anyone else have any thanksgivings, prayer requests, or anything to add to my above rants? I would love to know what you think about dating and our/your relationship with G-d! Please private message me or comment below. :)
By the way, I still have no headway on what I am going to do about this guy that may have a thing for me. The more I talk to people, the more unclear I get. When I talk to G-d I don't really seem to be getting the big signs that I am looking for either and I am not quite sure how to listen to His still, quiet voice. I don't know what to do!!! And this is really frustrating that I cannot get a straight answer. Some people know my plans and they say that G-d will let whatever happen happen. Yes, I know G-d will let whatever happens happen, but that does not let me know if I should go ahead in a relationship or not. Other people tell me that it is just part of the "college experience" to date people and it should be fun to have a boyfriend. To me, dating is not a hobby or an experience. Dating, in my opinion, is like a trial for marriage. It should be taken seriously and used to get to know a person before you get hitched because marriage is a lifetime commitment. It should be fun, don't get me wrong, but dating is not just something to do just for the fun of it. So, I am back to square one, not knowing if my plans are truly the ones set up by myself and G-d, or if He is telling me to go ahead and scratch my plans to go for something better. To tell you the truth, I don't know how I got all of my plans and requirements and if I stick with them, there is a HUGE chance I will never, ever, ever date anyone. Therefore, I will never be able to get married. This is one of those days where I would love to sit down and have coffee with G-d. Well, tea for me because I get heart palpatations from caffiene or too much sugar... But I just want Him to hug me and tell me it's going to be alright and I need Him to tell me what to do. If only I could have coffee with Him, maybe I would have peace and reassurance in what I need to do.
This reminds me, I have not been treating Him right lately. He has not been my top priority, I have been my top priority. That is probably why my depression is coming back, that is likely why I feel helpless, and it is also why I am down in the dumps even though my life seems to be turning around and getting "better". To tell you the truth, I have not been reading the Word every night like I normally do, I have not been going to any churches or congregations at all, I haven't been watching anything online either. I have put Him on the backburner because I figured school is right now and G-d will always be there. While it is true He will always be there, we have the choice of whether to nourish and build the relationship with Him, or to let it dwindle. When we build the relationship with Him, He takes care of our entire life and allows everything to fall into place. However, when we let the relationship dwindle or take push it aside, we push Him out of our life and He lets us "drive" on our own for a little bit. Obviously not completely, because if I were driving completely by myself, I would not be alive anylonger. But He lets us think we are taking the wheel so that we can realize that we are helpless. So, my grades are not doing well, work is extremely difficult, I can't hear Him because there is too much inbetween us (all of it on my side of the me and G-d connection), and the Enemy now has a ton of footholds in my life because I am not surrendered to Ad-nai completely. This is a miserable place to be. Again, it makes me want to go to coffee and apologize and begin to build our relationship back up, but that is not how it works. So, I will begin again, asking for forgiveness and working to put Him first. Now I understand why so many people fall away from the faith when they go to college. It is so easy to let church or congregation slide, to let fun things infiltrate your free time and to avoid things you know as right when the world is offering entertainment and "good" feelings.
Daily Thanksgiving: I am so very grateful for G-d's forgiveness. His love is overwhelming and even though I know I messed up willingly, He takes me back once I admit that I was in the wrong and work towards getting closer to Him. I am grateful that He allows us to make mistakes because it means that He allows us to have complete free will. Many days I wish He would just tell me what to do, but where would faith come into play? He allows us to fall so that He may build us up for His glory. I am grateful that He has kept me safe and that He has chosen me to live this life. I am also grateful that the biggest problem in my life right now, is figuring out whether or not I should date someone. In reality, this is not a big problem at all, I just overthink everything and make a mountain out of a mole hill. I am also thankful that G-d is working with me on that...
For those of you who pray to the One true G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob: please pray for favor in my RA position attempt and also for favor for the scholarship. I am asking for favor for the largest scholarship award they allow because I really need that plus the RA position to get headway in paying for next year. Also, please pray for my acceptance into the nursing program and a really good score on the HESI.
Does anyone else have any thanksgivings, prayer requests, or anything to add to my above rants? I would love to know what you think about dating and our/your relationship with G-d! Please private message me or comment below. :)
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Test Results
In college, tests usually end up being scheduled all in the same week or two. I don't really know why this is, but it is a pattern I have discovered. Last week and the week before just happened to be my testing weeks. As you may know, I got a C on my A&P Lab test, a B on my A&P Lecture, a B on my Chem test and I finally got my grade back for psych... I got 104% with no extra credit offered!!! It wasn't even a typo, the teacher just decided that 6 questions were not properly worded, so she gave the entire class (of nearly 400, I think) 12 extra points. This was my first A of the semester (even without the extra points) on a test and it felt really good. Somehow, it doesn't seem as though I deserve it because I did not study nearly enough for the test, and the whole thing is multiple choice. But I am so very glad with the results because my other grades were really getting me down. This is a start, not a great one, but it's not nearly as bad as it could have been. Now, just to finish off the week... I have psych left today since I went to Chem this morning. Then I have A&P, English and Chem lab tomorrow. 11.5 weeks remaining in the semester, out of 18 (including spring break and finals week). We are making head-way guys!
My struggle to nicer talk update: I am struggling with this not because I gossip, but because I let others "vent" and gossip to me. I am also not to the point where I have stopped my sarcastic remarks to my friends. Everyone knows it is all fun and games, and most of us use sarcasm, but I don't want to be speaking anything but life to my friends. This may be a really difficult habit to break because we have morphed as a friend group to really shy and timid people, to being super comfortable with each other so we can poke fun at each others faults or shortcomings. While this may be fun, it is not right for me to do as a believer in Yeshua (Jesus' Hebrew name) because we are called to be children of light. In order to do this, we must be respectful and build each other up, speaking life over them, complimenting them, pulling them aside to talk about shortcomings that may affect the person/group, etc. When I started doing daily thanksgivings, it was really hard, I did not normally look for the good in life because I saw so much "going wrong". But once I got into the habit of looking for thanksgivings, I became more positive and happy. This was a crazy transformation because I struggle(d) with depression. Of coarse, I still have seasons of depression, but it is usually because I am not following the L-rd's plans, or I am rebelling in some way. Perhaps speaking life over my friends, and everyone else, will bring some sort of positive effect for them and maybe even for myself. I still need an accountability partner though... Maybe if I am accountable to all of you, it will work even better! Congratulations, you are all now helping me to live a more Messiah-like life! Don't be afraid to tell me when I am not speaking properly about others. Just be honest. Honesty seems even easier when you cannot see me and I cannot see you doesn't it?
I also want to start talking more positively. My friends compared me to the "grumpy cat" that usually has a frown and says some negative (yet funny) comment about most everything that is enjoyable. I know I complain quite a bit, even though it's not nearly as much as I used to. This is unacceptable for me to do. G-d blesses me with so much, how is it that my friends do not see the joy that comes from my relationship with Ad-nai? Obviously, I am living improperly, because my friends should see the love and excitement I have for G-d. I should be known for this joy and love, not for my depression, negative remarks, and sarcasm. I want to be known for being kind, gentle, loving, gracious, thankful, enjoyable, and positive. This has to change and I plan on allowing G-d to work with me on it.
Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful that I got an amazing grade on my first psych test. I am also thankful I paid off my balance from moving to a more expensive dorm room. G-d took care of both of those because I definitely could have managed extra cash or more than 100% on a test (that does not offer extra credit points). Today, I am feeling so blessed and at peace. I know I am blessed everyday, today is just one of those times I am able to really notice every single blessing and the overwhelming Shalom (peace and many other meanings, you should look it up) encompassing me like a hug. I am also thankful that G-d is pointing out my flaws. He disciplines and works on those He loves, as long as they are willing, right? Maybe I am learning how to listen to His whispers in my life, teaching me to live properly for Him. I sure hope so because I do not like living improperly especially when my friends know I am a believer. I want to make sure my life reflects His beauty in all aspects. I am thankful for His correction.
My struggle to nicer talk update: I am struggling with this not because I gossip, but because I let others "vent" and gossip to me. I am also not to the point where I have stopped my sarcastic remarks to my friends. Everyone knows it is all fun and games, and most of us use sarcasm, but I don't want to be speaking anything but life to my friends. This may be a really difficult habit to break because we have morphed as a friend group to really shy and timid people, to being super comfortable with each other so we can poke fun at each others faults or shortcomings. While this may be fun, it is not right for me to do as a believer in Yeshua (Jesus' Hebrew name) because we are called to be children of light. In order to do this, we must be respectful and build each other up, speaking life over them, complimenting them, pulling them aside to talk about shortcomings that may affect the person/group, etc. When I started doing daily thanksgivings, it was really hard, I did not normally look for the good in life because I saw so much "going wrong". But once I got into the habit of looking for thanksgivings, I became more positive and happy. This was a crazy transformation because I struggle(d) with depression. Of coarse, I still have seasons of depression, but it is usually because I am not following the L-rd's plans, or I am rebelling in some way. Perhaps speaking life over my friends, and everyone else, will bring some sort of positive effect for them and maybe even for myself. I still need an accountability partner though... Maybe if I am accountable to all of you, it will work even better! Congratulations, you are all now helping me to live a more Messiah-like life! Don't be afraid to tell me when I am not speaking properly about others. Just be honest. Honesty seems even easier when you cannot see me and I cannot see you doesn't it?
I also want to start talking more positively. My friends compared me to the "grumpy cat" that usually has a frown and says some negative (yet funny) comment about most everything that is enjoyable. I know I complain quite a bit, even though it's not nearly as much as I used to. This is unacceptable for me to do. G-d blesses me with so much, how is it that my friends do not see the joy that comes from my relationship with Ad-nai? Obviously, I am living improperly, because my friends should see the love and excitement I have for G-d. I should be known for this joy and love, not for my depression, negative remarks, and sarcasm. I want to be known for being kind, gentle, loving, gracious, thankful, enjoyable, and positive. This has to change and I plan on allowing G-d to work with me on it.
Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful that I got an amazing grade on my first psych test. I am also thankful I paid off my balance from moving to a more expensive dorm room. G-d took care of both of those because I definitely could have managed extra cash or more than 100% on a test (that does not offer extra credit points). Today, I am feeling so blessed and at peace. I know I am blessed everyday, today is just one of those times I am able to really notice every single blessing and the overwhelming Shalom (peace and many other meanings, you should look it up) encompassing me like a hug. I am also thankful that G-d is pointing out my flaws. He disciplines and works on those He loves, as long as they are willing, right? Maybe I am learning how to listen to His whispers in my life, teaching me to live properly for Him. I sure hope so because I do not like living improperly especially when my friends know I am a believer. I want to make sure my life reflects His beauty in all aspects. I am thankful for His correction.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Short Tangent
Do you guys mind if I have a minor meltdown here online?
I am going insane with all my friends getting married and having babies. My best friend (the one that asked me out in middle school) got married our senior year of high school (last year). Plus, his wife just had a baby a month or so ago. They were married for a little over a year, so everything was squared away there, but still! One of my friends got married this summer. Another friend got married today. Not to mention, so many others who are having babies (married or not) or getting married here shortly. Is this phenomenon weird for anyone else? As soon as high school is over (sometimes before high school is done), everyone has the urge to get hitched. What's up with that? Marriage is cool and all, I just need a little warning is all. I learned about my best friends marriage, and baby, through his sisters posts on Facebook, which plumb breaks my heart. One friend texted me when she got engaged, so I had some warning for her. But the friend that got married today didn't tell anyone anything. She just up and posted she was married on FB and announced they would have a ceremony come spring.
I am starting to be able to better deal with my friends getting married while I do not have a boyfriend yet or any plans to get married. This used to be a very touchy and sore subject for me. But I just need a little heads up. A bit of notice is all. Perhaps a little notice would allow me some time to digest the information and go through my processing cycle (which just happens to be a lot like the grief cycle as of yet). Just a little bit of time to hear the news, be sad, then slightly angry, then depressed, then I can move on to accept it... eventually. These cycles usually last a few months though. G-d is really working on me with this sadness about marriage thing. After my friend got married this summer, I have not had another bout with this ugly mess of me during the "marriage cycle". But it still stings. I know it stems from self-pity, which is really a slap in G-d's face, and He is allowing me to grow tremendously. This growth doesn't make it go away completely though and I want to be real with you guys because maybe someone out there experiences this kind of stuff too. I don't know if anyone does or not though, so I post it just in-case.
Regardless, I am grateful I have never had a boyfriend because I think all of this would be a lot harder on me if I had one (either currently or at some time in the past). All of this news about my best friend would have been much harder to swallow because it would have been my ex-boyfriend instead of a boy I merely hung out with a ton for about three years. Never-the-less, it still breaks my heart I couldn't find out from him. It sucks I can't meet his wife and his new baby boy, but c'est la vie.
Sorry about the length, my short tangent morphed into a full-fledged rant! That seems to happen a lot with me, huh? Well, I really appreciate you reading, or just allowing me to vent (even if you don't read it).
I am going insane with all my friends getting married and having babies. My best friend (the one that asked me out in middle school) got married our senior year of high school (last year). Plus, his wife just had a baby a month or so ago. They were married for a little over a year, so everything was squared away there, but still! One of my friends got married this summer. Another friend got married today. Not to mention, so many others who are having babies (married or not) or getting married here shortly. Is this phenomenon weird for anyone else? As soon as high school is over (sometimes before high school is done), everyone has the urge to get hitched. What's up with that? Marriage is cool and all, I just need a little warning is all. I learned about my best friends marriage, and baby, through his sisters posts on Facebook, which plumb breaks my heart. One friend texted me when she got engaged, so I had some warning for her. But the friend that got married today didn't tell anyone anything. She just up and posted she was married on FB and announced they would have a ceremony come spring.
I am starting to be able to better deal with my friends getting married while I do not have a boyfriend yet or any plans to get married. This used to be a very touchy and sore subject for me. But I just need a little heads up. A bit of notice is all. Perhaps a little notice would allow me some time to digest the information and go through my processing cycle (which just happens to be a lot like the grief cycle as of yet). Just a little bit of time to hear the news, be sad, then slightly angry, then depressed, then I can move on to accept it... eventually. These cycles usually last a few months though. G-d is really working on me with this sadness about marriage thing. After my friend got married this summer, I have not had another bout with this ugly mess of me during the "marriage cycle". But it still stings. I know it stems from self-pity, which is really a slap in G-d's face, and He is allowing me to grow tremendously. This growth doesn't make it go away completely though and I want to be real with you guys because maybe someone out there experiences this kind of stuff too. I don't know if anyone does or not though, so I post it just in-case.
Regardless, I am grateful I have never had a boyfriend because I think all of this would be a lot harder on me if I had one (either currently or at some time in the past). All of this news about my best friend would have been much harder to swallow because it would have been my ex-boyfriend instead of a boy I merely hung out with a ton for about three years. Never-the-less, it still breaks my heart I couldn't find out from him. It sucks I can't meet his wife and his new baby boy, but c'est la vie.
Sorry about the length, my short tangent morphed into a full-fledged rant! That seems to happen a lot with me, huh? Well, I really appreciate you reading, or just allowing me to vent (even if you don't read it).
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