Comedic Relief?

I got a friend request on Facebook the other day from someone I didn't recognize. Looking through the little bit that was shown on their profile without us being friends, left me still confused as to who this person was.

I looked at the birthday and it matched Exfiance's birthday day, but it showed a different year... I looked at the name and the first name was his, but the last had been changed... There was only a profile picture taken through a windshield looking out onto fields of wild grass, and a cover photo of a motorcycle. I did not recognize the vehicle in the profile picture, nor did I recognize the motor cycle.

Something about the friend request struck me as odd, from the very beginning. As I did my short little search, more and more pointed to this being an obviously fake account, likely set up by A**hole Exfiance.

I never imagined his search for me would ever cease. I'm sure he's curious about what I'm doing, where I am, and how I'm doing without him.

You know what? I'm doing just fine right now, besides the stress of the fucking flu shot and minor stresses that plague every newly graduated college student (bills, chores, student loans, new job, etc). I have bouts of memories, but the L-rd brings me peace. I have struggles with insecurities, still, but I am also more confident than I think I've been in my whole life.

G-d is restoring me from the shell of a person I was a mere year ago, or even 4 months ago. He is filling in the cracks with gold and showing the bits of value I always had.

Praise the L-rd I'm smarter than I look. I can't believe he thought I would be so stupid that I would accept a friend request from 1) someone I didn't know, 2) that someone has his same first name and birthday and 3) pictures that do not show who the account is for... for real dumbass? You think I'm that dumb? After I went to the police, around your back, filed the report, called you on a recorded line, and broke up with you 4 times... while learning how to block you on every communication line you thought you could use. After all of that you think I'm going to be dumb enough to accept your dumbass, non-creative, completely unhidden friend request just because it has a different last name and different birth year?

Good heavens.

New Job

Folks, I finally started my new job. I love it!

I have spent the majority of my life, waiting to get to this job, to this point. I am graduated from nursing school, I'm employed at a wonderful hospital, and I have my dream job. Yes, this may change, but for right now I am excited!

I understand I wrote my other post sounding quite angry about my past and the abuse that occurred along with the lack of legal help that is available. It's utter bullshit. However, I'm angry at the injustices and excited for my new phase of life, all at the same time.

I am cleansed of friends that didn't work at our friendship, while I was expected to bend over backward to help them and make them happy. Sorry, but that's not how friendships are going to work with me.

So, after graduation, I cleared out my snapchat and Facebook friend lists. I have cleansed as much as I can, so that I am not followed by the negativity that surrounded those particular relationships. It was freeing while simultaneously making me very lonely. After some time, I have learned to grow accustomed to the quiet and lack of people surrounding me all the time. I'm growing up, and learning how to fit into the adult world while many of my nursing school friends are still in their college mindset, which just so happened to be their high school mindset carried over into the higher education system.

I'm seriously worried for the well-being of the world because our future is looking bleak with the abysmal characteristics of the next generation coming into adulthood. Oh boy, it's going to be a bumpy ride, at best.

While shitty things are brewing for society, to be released in the near future, I'm gonna go find me a house, on my own private island. Preferably somewhere warm, and I'll have my own private beach. Y'all can come get me if everyone calms the fuck down and figures out to behave like decent human beings... but I don't suppose that's gonna happen before I die.


Going back to the happy post, I love my job. I had 2 days in the nursery, to be able to see assessments for healthy, mostly "normal" babies who don't require NICU care directly after delivery. It was a great experience and I actually really like working the nursery, I may end up requesting that I float over to that unit or try to pick up extra shifts there. I love giving babies baths, having all those babies snuggled up, teaching moms to breastfeed, and diapers aren't even a chore because they are so tiny! However, I got to be in the NICU yesterday for a full day and that's still where my heart is. I love teaching babies to eat, getting them all settled and parents knowing that their baby is well-cared for. It's hard seeing parents freaked out, but there are little things to be able to do to comfort them.

All Sorts of Relationsips

Should I give the good or bad news first? I guess they're both sort of good, but one you have to put a spin on to find it to be a silver lining.

Okay, negative one first.

I "broke up" with Jersey today. She's been a massive thorn in my side for months now and she does not calm down her aggressiveness. After several hours of writing out what I want to say, several nights of venting to Roomie, and a handful of counseling sessions wasted, it finally happened. She kept bugging me for a meeting to "talk things out". Well, okay, I will "talk things out" but I refuse to be friends with Jersey anymore.

We set a time for an appointment to talk on the phone. I told her that I get 10 minutes to talk where she doesn't get to interrupt me. I got done with my spiel in about 5-7 minutes, told her she could go for it for 10 minutes and then that was it. She hung up, saying she needed to go to lab. She was crying and asked for specific examples for some of the reasons I gave for why I was not going to be her friend anymore. I refused because I was not going to get into the typical argument she likes to start up.

We took Roomie's dog for an hour long hike and I came back to a text from Jersey asking for the letter. What letter? The letter I wrote to send to her... What the hell? I wrote notes, but there was no letter. So, she asked for that and she wanted me to mail it. She told me it was so that she could "better reflect on the points that I made so that she could become a better person." That is the biggest load of shit I've ever heard. I again refused to do as she asked and that's when all of her bullshit came out. I was waiting for it!!! I did not give the letter to her in the first place because I know how she tries to pick the little details out and then attempt to excuse it away. She also has a tendency to show things like that to all of her friends in order to gain sympathy. Well, she'll just have to go fishing for sympathy without my notes. I saved them though, in my counseling binder. I want to remember how strong I was.

It was a hard thing to do. I am not one to burn bridges or try to hurt others. However, I'm not going to cower and let her walk all over me anymore. I tried to blow it off but she wasn't going to let it go. Okay, fine. You don't want to let it go and you want to ignore my feelings and how your actions effect anyone else? I won't ignore the way my actions effect you, but I will absolutely cut you out of my life.

She ended up texting me something to the effect of, "my last words for you is that karma is a bitch." Actually, that's exactly what the text said. Oh honey, don't even. This phone call was Justice being served because you see no wrong in any of your actions. I don't believe in karma, but do not mess with me and expect anything to improve for you.

You do not fuck with me.

I will no longer be walked on.

So, the good news from that whole story is that Jersey knows we are no longer friends. There is no hope and I am not going to talk to her anymore. I spoke my peace and I'm done with her. I blocked her on Facebook, snapchat, and from texting/calling me. I cannot block her from class, but she knows that it's done. If she asks to talk to me I'm going to tell her no and that I have other things I have to go to. I said what I needed to say and she had a chance to do the same. That was it, and I told her that was her last chance.



In happy news, I had a date!!! Dating is scary, but especially after meeting nothing but bad guys, even through friends and family recommendations. This guy has been talking with me for weeks. I finally agreed to meet him in a public place and it went well. I'm not so good at small talk, and I brought down the conversation a few times, but we had a lot of laughs and some random, exciting adventures.

We started by going to Bass Pro. We walked across the parking lot to dinner and to grab a beer because I told him I wouldn't ride in a vehicle with him. During dinner, he asked why I won't let him drive me, I told him that exfiance essentially kidnapped me at one point. Which did actually happen. After that, he understood that my pain goes deeper than typical girls simply being upset with their exes. He didn't pry anymore into that aspect of my life and the night went on. After dinner, he asked what I wanted to do. After a few minutes of discussion, I decided I wanted to see puppies. So, we drove separately to the mall and saw some puppies!

We spent a couple hours in the mall, just visiting random stores. At one point we ended up going prom dress shopping and I almost convinced him to try one on! I took him to every girly store in the mall, just to see how much of a fit he would throw and he didn't throw a single one!!! He smelled candles with me at the candle place, he looked at puppies with me, looked at dresses, and we even went shoe shopping. I told him I had never been but he was all game. Granted, I lasted a solid 30 seconds in the shoe place before I got bored, so we left pretty quick. Regardless, he handled the entire date, and my weird conversations and odd activity requests really well.

At the end of the date, he walked me to my car and asked for a second date. I think he was trying for a kiss, but I didn't let him get too close. We agreed to keep talking and I told him another date would be fun, but he didn't get a kiss that night. He probably won't for awhile, if we decide that it's a relationship worth pursuing. That'll be a rough discussion because I'm headed away and I carry a lot of baggage still.

So, I have a relationship potentially starting while another was cut clean off. Odd thing is, I feel free after the friend "break-up" just like I feel more free after break-ups with the toxic guys I've kicked to the curb.

Y'all, I'm growing!

I'm Over It, So It's Over

*****Warning: improper language and graphic stories follow. Proceed with caution!*****

I broke up with fiance... again.

Yes, we did just get "engaged" for the third(?) time, and he just had a birthday. However, when you are over it, you are over it. I, if you haven't guessed, am over it. But wait! It gets better.

For months now I have been probing fiance about different subjects. Some stuff he will give straight answers to, some he will not. In fact, most of his past remains in the dark for me because he won't talk to me about it. He says it brings back bad memories. Well, no shit. For a lot of people, the past brings up bad memories, but the fact that you told me your wife died on date #2 and you refuse more and more to talk about her anymore is worrisome. Plus, I think you're lying about her being dead. I think you just had a tough break up and that was it. I don't believe she is actually dead because your story keeps changing and I found a girl on Facebook with her same fucking name and she is still posting as of New Year's Eve, but she was supposed to have died in 2013. Ya, okay buddy.

I broke up with him the day after his real birthday and a few days after his birthday dinner/public proposal (a.k.a. proposal #3). This also happened to be the day before Exboyfriend's birthday and a few days before Christmas. So, he was having a shitty Christmas week.

Despite having broken up with him then, we talked nearly every day through texting and also calls to each other each night or every other night. I didn't want this, but he keeps going on an on about how he can't live without me. Bullshit.

He ended up spending New Year's Eve with me, then New Year's Day and the night after. 2 nights and about 2.5 days together. We were doing well. He took me out to eat and he actually talked to me instead of being on his phone like he normally had been while we had been dating. He was being sweeter. But as New Year's Eve night went on, he went from not kissing me (as I had requested) and keeping his hands to designated "safe" areas on my body, to kissing me whenever the hell he felt like it and allowing his hands to wander again. In mere fucking hours people!

He keeps telling me he's changed and that he's trying to keep me happy, but it's all bullshit. There's no frickin' way he's actually changing because he reverts back to not respecting me nor my body within minutes of seeing me in person. He tells me it's just because I turn him on and then he's not responsible for his actions. So what? I'm supposed to live with being continually raped and assaulted for the rest of my fucking life? HELL NO! I will not be treated that way.

While he was over, he told me we "had sex 14 times". Funny thing is, I don't recall consenting to those. A few of the times he coerced me and yelled at me until I gave in. The rest of the times he took off my pants, even though I told him no repeatedly, then he played with himself and played with me and then he would get on top saying he wouldn't go in. Then he would proceed to invade me body because he "couldn't control himself". Alright fucker, maybe I can't control my fingers calling the fucking police and getting you arrested. Oops, wouldn't that be a shame?

I've tried to break up with him 4 times now. The first time he yelled at me and asked if that was really what I wanted, especially after he had just handed over $9000 for an engagement ring. The second time was when I asked for a break and he said that means breaking up but then we agreed to not speak for about a month or two and then he broke that within about 6 hours. The next time, we broke up, we still talked and he went out drinking three nights in a row. Typically driving to my place to "talk" after he was black out drunk and definitely not in a safe mental capacity to be driving. Then we got back together on day 3-4 with him promising to be better and work on us. This time, I'm fucking over it.

You know what he told me yesterday? The first ring was fake. I had called him out on it the first time I tried to break up with him. I told him it had CZ stamped on the inside (for cubic zirconium, which is a fake diamond). He told me that the guy at the jewelry store must have lied to him then because he had paid $9000. I asked where he got it from and he told me a jewelry store downtown next to 7-11 (gas station). Curious, I called around asking if anyone had sold to fiance. None of them had. Red flag! However, I ignored it and didn't press the matter further with fiance so as to not piss him off. That ring was then stolen when he was up at work, but he didn't seem too upset about it. He had it in his truck because he was going to get it resized, so he said. He had had my ring for about 4-5 months though, saying the whole time he just hadn't gotten around to it yet. Whatever.

When he proposed at his birthday dinner, however, it was with a different ring. This time, he made a point to keep it in a box with the name of the jewelry store's name on it and showed me the online ad for it. Yesterday, after I asked him what the real deal with the different rings were, he finally told me the truth. Apparently he wanted to marry me right away because he supposedly loved me so much then. However, he found a ring for $9000 and couldn't afford it right then. So, he went to fucking Walmart and bought a $200 fake ring in hopes that he could trade it out for a real one once he got the money to afford the one he wanted to get me. He said I "deserve the biggest rock in the world but he didn't have the money at the time and he didn't think I would notice." Well asshole, date someone dumber than me then! Unfortunately for you, I am significantly smarter than I look and I pay attention to details.

I yelled at him for nearly 20 minutes last night telling him that he should have been honest about everything upfront, he should have saved money to buy me a decent ring instead of half-assing it and getting me a fake one while he throws thousands down to buy himself a new truck and all the trimmings to make it look cool. I also yelled at him for manipulating me with that fake fucking ring telling me it cost thousands of dollars when it absolutely didn't, then he brought that up when we fought after the first break-up attempt. He manipulated me the entire 8 months and I'm letting him have it now. I'm no longer holding back because I have been shaken and devastated by the way he just walked all over me, ruined me, took advantage of me and used my body however he wanted to. I'm angry that I didn't have the strength to walk away the first time I wanted to because then it would have only been a couple of time of abuse/assault/rape instead of now 14 or more times.

Wow, I'm such an idiot. I knew that something as wrong, but I was bound and determined to give him a chance and try to make it work because I believed the best in him. All that did for me is run me into the ground, get me taken advantage of so many times I can't recall the last 8 months because I have blocked them from memory, and it ruined my plans of any kind of a happy life. Because of him and Exboyfriend, I have no desire to date, get married, or have children because nothing good has ever come from dating for me. Plus, I have seen nothing good come out of marriage in any of the relationships I am around.

I have a theory that the assholes (male or female) of the world have detectors and find the decent, or even wonderful, people of the world and they decide to take over the good people and enslave them in marriage. This burns out many of the good people and make the assholes look and feel like there is little to nothing wrong with them because they found love so they must be a catch. Now, is this true for everyone? Not likely. Am I jaded and cynical and ridiculously pissed off? Absolutely. Right now, life is the hardest it's been for me probably ever.

I had dreams of finding a guy, dating without kissing. Getting married and going into my marriage as a virgin. I had dreams of having children. Being a nurse while also raising children at home. Then proceeding on to a very happy life. All of my plans were destroyed in an instant. Exboyfriend and Exfiance both got kisses from me. Both attempted to steal my virginity and I think they have. I do not want to get married. I definitely don't want children because I'm terrified that what happened to me will happen to them. I see no happiness in the foreseeable future for me. Yes, G-d knows what will happen in my life, but if I were a guy, I wouldn't want me. I wouldn't want someone who was so stupid as to fall into getting raped by two guys. Not only that, the first guy raped me twice in a weekend because I was too dumb to leave when I had originally wanted to. Then the second guy raped me too many times to count and I just stayed with him hoping that he actually loved me and we would eventually work it out. I am a complete fucking moron and should not be desired by anyone. I have been ruined and crushed beyond human repair. If the L-rd repairs me, it's going to damn near require an entirely new inner me, a whole new body, and a complete memory wipe.

I'm so over it. I have never been so angry at myself or anyone else in my life. I told him to stop talking to me for at least a month, but I'm fixing to block his number and block him on Facebook so that he won't be able to reach me ever again. If I need to, I'm about ready to get a fucking restraining order if I ever see him show up at my house.

Best thing yet, I have dealt with all of these things on my own for months because my friends and family have been pushed away by him and I was too stupid to see that. So, now I'm completely on my own and so very angry.

In the midst of my anger last night, about 20 minutes after fiance confessed about the stupid ring lies he told me, I heard a whisper in my heart to forgive. I got a few moments of peace after that, but I couldn't sleep last night and my anger has returned fresh this morning and stuck around me all day. I don't know how I'll survive this.

Lies Are Building

I don't know if you guys remember or not, but when fiance asked me to marry him the first time, he didn't ask my dad for permission first. This was one thing I asked him to do because I feel it shows respect to my dad to ask for my hand. Fast-forward about 5-6 months and he finally asked my dad Thursday night.

Now, dad has unmedicated and unofficially diagnosed bipolar disorder (type 2) as evidence by my DSM-V book and the fact that a lot of his side of the family has it. I'm talking most everyone has it. Anyway, fiance called my dad telling him he wanted to meet up to talk. Dad immediately called me and flipped the fuck out! Sorry for the bad language, there is a lot of anger in my heart. Yes, I still believe in the L-rd and I'm sure he's not happy with my language but I digress and I'm terribly sorry for the bad words. Anyway, dad told him he could marry me.

Next day, dad called and started yelling at me again. He went on and on while I sat crying silently on the other end. My mom called during my "talk" with him and I called her back when he was done. Mom was so great about calming me down, telling me to ignore dad and just get ready and be happy for the special night with fiance. I proceeded to yell and vent about my entire family being bat shit crazy for another 45 minutes. I know I'm not supposed to call people that are mentally ill crazy, even if I am too, but they are. I don't call others, well I really try not to call others crazy because I know these are things they can't help. But honestly, my family and I really need to get on some meds and get this shit sorted out because I'm sick of having nobody on my side because they are all so consumed in their feelings and they leave and stop talking to people when they get mad at the dumbest things. Dad could have told fiance his true feelings. Instead, he told fiance yes and yelled at me because he regretted that decision.

That night, I had a birthday dinner planned for the fiance. We went to a nice dinner. I had gone dress shopping with his mom so that I could find a really pretty dress to wear for him. I did my hair and make up and I was looking really good. Fiance talked to the staff at the restaurant and planned for them to come and sing happy birthday to him, but instead of just that, he was planning to ask me again to marry him in public.

I said yes and he gave me a new ring because the other one got stolen.

The past few days have consisted of me going home to my parent's house where my dad proceeded to ignore me and refuse to talk to my mom or I. They are now planning to separate in the spring because dad thinks life would be better without us because apparently my brother and I stress him out too much. Fiance and I are fighting because of what he told dad when he went up to talk with him. Fiance thinks it's bullshit that I told him that my dad has been yelling at my mom and I for the past few days when dad told fiance he could ask me to marry him. I think it's bullshit too but what do I do? Fiance says the only time he wants to dump me is when my family is being a pain in he ass and not wanting us to get married. Right now, I don't even really want to get married. I'm over this nonsense.

To make it better, I asked about his "dead" wife. He won't give me any straight answers about when she died or where she is buried and I'm angry that he gets so defensive when I do ask because I think that means he might be lying. I went through his Facebook the other day because it was his birthday and I was just looking at the birthday wished. Then, posts started getting more interesting. He told me he's only had one girlfriend besides his wife and me. When I was going through his page, he kept talking about other girlfriends, like 3-4 by name and others without naming them directly. The girl he also said was dead has been posting on her Facebook page up until the end of November of this year. He told me she's been dead for at least 2-3 years. So, I plan on asking him where she is buried, when she died, and what her last name was. The pictures of her that he showed me look an awful lot like this other girl that I found that is alive. I sent a message to her without any specifics in it yet, to see if she would even be willing to talk to me about him. So, we will see. I tried to talk to him when he was over at my place last night but he told me he just doesn't like talking about it. However, I do better asking him over the phone for some reason, then I can have a paper with all of my questions on it too to help guide me. Then, if he's lying, I plan on sending the ring back in the mail and never talking to him again. Whether I take legal pursuit for the other bad things he's done to me or not will remain unknown for right now. I plan on talking to his other "girlfriends" to see why they broke up with him and what happened in their relationships to see if we may all need to ban together for legal action.

So, that is how I went from happiness to complete and utter disparity and anger in a matter of minutes.

Mental Illness

Today I read a post/article about having friends and loved ones that struggle with mental illness.

11 Things Those Who Love A Person With Mental Illness Should Know

I actually found it so helpful and true that I sent it to fiance, but I so wished I could send it to all of my friends and family.

I was going through Pinterest one night at work because I was sad and sometimes it helps me to go through the depression posts on Pinterest because it lets me know that what I experience and think isn't isolated to just myself. It also helps me put words to my tendencies and feelings because sometimes it's hard to describe what I'm going through and what is happening in my head to other people.

Through this search, I found that I am not the only one that goes through isolation because their friends start asking what's wrong and they keep digging. This digging then leads to them asking me to stop talking to them about what is happening in my head because they can't handle the fraction of a percent of the darkness I share with them. I'm not alone in this. Apparently, it happens quite frequently.

So, just a note to those of you who have friends and family (everybody): don't ask if you aren't prepared to actually help and continue to hear about the darknesses and struggles in the lives of those around you. I keep having friends who see me struggling and they think they can somehow help me. Guys, I've struggled with this most of my life and I have not come across a person or thing that can help me yet. G-d helps a lot, but life happens and my head gets messed up again. That's just how it works. However, I am sick of friends and family thinking they can save me, but after a little bit, they realize they can't even deal with my struggles and so they leave me or ask me to stop talking to them. This is absolutely devastating to me and to the others that go through this.

1. Don't get close and ask people questions if you are not entirely prepared to be able to stick with them and truly help them. They deal with their darkness just fine without you, they've likely done it for a long time. 
2. Don't ask them questions, give them hope of having support, and then ditch them when you start to hear just a little bit of what they have to deal with. That's cruel.
3. Don't think that they be "fixed" by something you do. 
4. Don't give them unsolicited advice. They know what to do, they know what works best for them. It's not good to tell them (us) what to do because you don't live our life. You have a friend with chronic major depression and you have gone through a slight bout of depression? That doesn't mean you know how to "fix" this for them. Everyone goes through their mental illnesses in unique ways. You can absolutely be there for them and give advice if they ask, but don't tell them what to do.
5. Don't ask them why they don't take meds, go to the doctor, or go to therapy. Professional help is good, but don't tell us what to do, that can make us shut down and when we don't do what you tell us to do, we know you're more likely to ditch us anyway.
6. Don't force them to talk if they don't want to talk. Chances are, they've been burned before so they are wary of opening up to anyone else because they have seen the ugliness that that brings about in your life and theirs. So, i they don't want to talk, then don't force it.
7. Don't dig. This goes along the same lines as the last one. But if they say they are fine and you know it's a lie, just leave it. I know that personally, it is easier to deal with my darkness alone and not fess up to being upset, than it is to say I'm having a bad day and then have to explain it to whoever asked.
8. Don't use them. Don't use them as an excuse. Don't overextend them just because you know they will help, this can make depression and a whole host of other mental illnesses worse for the sufferer. Don't use them as an example. Just don't.
9. Don't tell them to just get over it. No, we cannot just "get over it". If we could, don't you think we would have? Living with mental illness is not something we enjoy, it's way harder for us than it is for you to watch us, I promise.
10. Don't think we don't know it's hard for you. I've watched people struggle with mental illness and it's rough. I understand wanting to help them but not knowing how. I know what it is like to wish that they were back to their normal self, the person that I adore and know. 
11. Don't play the victim. It may be hard for you to hear what we go through, but you don't have to live it and you're only hearing and seeing a tiny bit of what occurs in our heads.
12. Don't take their moods personally. Sad days are going to happen regardless of whether you are there or not. Just accept that we will have bad days that have nothing to do with you even if we are with you all day.
13. Don't call them crazy. That's just mean. We aren't crazy, we are just have brains that don't control their hormones at proper levels so then we have "off" days. We aren't crazy.
14. Don't assume they don't know how to handle their mental illness. Oftentimes, they've dealt with their problems for a long time. Even if they haven't, they will find ways that help them or other ways that may make them worse.
15. Sometimes, just sometimes, it's okay to let them have a bad day. It's okay, it's going to happen. Even if they seem like they've been getting better, bad days will happen again. Occassionally, it's alright to just let them happen. Make sure they are safe, without digging or hurting their feelings, and then ask them if they want company or to talk. Ask them if you can help in someway. If they say no, don't take it personally. If they say yes, be prepared for tough stuff and make sure you stick around and support them how they need.
16. Don't make excuses to stay away from them. Are you finding yourself having a rough time dealing with what they are telling you? Don't just ditch them and don't bullshit your way out of spending time with them. You can be honest with them that what they are experiencing is difficult. Let them know that you cannot imagine going through what they are going through. Then, most importantly, reassure them that you won't leave them, no matter how hard it might be for you. Most importantly, keep the promise that you won't leave them by not leaving them. That doesn't mean stay with them 24/7, but just maintain the friendship and keep talking with them.
17. Don't act weird around us, we're people too. We have feelings and personalities and we are usually fantastic to get to know! We might just have difficulties with brain chemistry or something. Be patient with us and remember who we are on our good days.
18. Be patient. There are days when I don't get out of bed all day except to pee. I actually have had weekends where I sleep for a solid 3-4 days except for peeing. Leave us be and we will come out when we are ready. Sometimes we need to do other stress relieving things. I happen to take drives. I'll drive for hours to clear my head, be alone, and also listen to music. That's okay, let us do that if it helps. Sometimes I walk around stores for hours on end, just wandering. Sometimes playing piano helps or certain types of crafts. Occasionally, just being able to veg out with a children's movie is enough to help me through some of the bad times. Just let it be and we will ask for help or company when we are ready.
19. Know that we value you. We understand that we are hard to be around, hard to be friends with, and difficult to love. We really do, I promise. Stick around because we appreciate you getting to know us in the first place and we would love for you to stick around with us. Hug us (after you ask if you can) if we seem to be having a hard time. We may not always verbalize it, but thank you for being with us through our ups and downs.
20. Take care of yourself too. If we are saying things that stress you out, make sure you get some stress relief for yourself. Please, don't share our stories with others unless we tell you that you can. But make sure to take care of yourself so that the temptation to leave us is not as strong and you don't get burned out from being friends with us. We love you, we worry about you too which is why we usually don't want to share our burdens with you. We know it's a lot and we don't want to dump the heaviness in our hearts and the darkness in our minds onto you.

A lot of these are kind of duplicates but I find it important for people to know. Mental illness can sometimes make us blunt, or difficult, or sensitive, or numb, or any number of combinations of strange traits. Mostly, you help us just by being with us, even when you don't say anything. My friends know I love coloring and watching kid movies when I'm having bad days. So, they break out the coloring books and turn on a kid movie to help me out. Other times, they walk me around the mall and have lunch with me while keeping their side of the conversation going so that I don't have to be the one to talk when my head is in a major fog. Still other times, they let me go home and sleep, then send me funny videos and pictures on Facebook. All of these little things help me know that they see me struggling, but they respect me enough to meet me where I'm at and they let me call the shots with how I cope with the situation at that time. This is so important to me and I appreciate it more than they will ever understand.

Never Thought I Would Be Here

Since the break-up, SANE exam, and various other stressful events that have recently taken place in my life, I have been encouraged to start seeing a counselor. I went for the first day today and it was more of a "screening" to see what therapist that would fit my needs the best.

I was classified as a crisis.

Due to this, I have bypassed the wait list and will have at least 6 sessions before I am re-evaluated to determine if I need more intensive therapy or if I have been making enough progress.

I am now in therapy.

My nursing school also has drives for supplies, food, and toiletries for different organizations and causes. Recently, they started a drive for toiletries for the local sexual assault organization that I had been talking with for counseling and help through this whole process of the SANE exam and various other issues related to the assault.

I cannot escape this and the memories and flashbacks!

I opened up my Facebook today and was met with a video titled: "This Man Logged On To Facebook And His Rapist Appeared Under 'People You May Know'" Granted, I was already friends with EXboyfriend, but I cannot outrun this event that happened in my life.

For the past several days, I have spent my time coloring in children's coloring books and watching Veggie Tales. I spent $60 to buy all three seasons of Veggie Tales from Amazon... but that's beside the point.

Deep breath.

Deep breath.

Deep breath.

Not my family, Not my life

I'm just going to start by saying I HATE Halloween. I cannot stand it. If there were a stronger word in my vocabulary than hate, despise, or the like then I would use it. In fact, I think that my strong dislike for this day deserves its very own word that should be made up right now. Problem is, I am not super creative so I can't come up with a word... Just pretend that it is really strong and clever. Thanks!

Anyway, back to the title. The lady that I babysat (notice past tense) for in the past just got married. Understand that I nearly put off college to remain at home with her to take care of her children because her husband cheated on her and pretty much abandoned her and her four children, one of which was a newborn at the time. I adored this family. I had prayed for them for such a long time and I felt like I belonged as their babysitter/nanny. It's been about three years since he first left and about a year and a half or two years since their divorce was finalized. Her children melt my heart and they came up with their own nickname for me. We are also on the basis of telling each other that we love each other because we share intimate areas of our lives and hearts with each other. This story only scrapes the surface of how much I truly care for this family.

About a week or two ago, she got married. Yes, I am happy for her because she seems really happy. They only dated for a couple of months but they have known each other for years through church. Actually, I knew him at church too because that's how I met this lady to begin with. So, even though their dating only lasted a few months and their engagement about a month, they have known each other for awhile. I was kind of hoping to be a bridesmaid at her wedding, but they had a teensy wedding in her parent's backyard and nobody was really invited. Plus, it's not fair that I would assume she would ask me. It's also not fair of me to assume that I am such an integral part of her family. Still, it breaks my heart that I don't ever get to babysit or see them anymore. I call these children my kids. All my friends know that I have had 4 kids since I was 16 because those are my kids! Yet, I haven't seen them since June, except on Facebook.

I guess I'm a bit jealous that I am no longer in the picture and yet her life is moving on. I miss them and I stay stuck on the past while this lady and her family (and everyone else in the world) continue to move on with their lives. Wow, I sound narcissistic. Really, I don't think I am that important that her world would come to a halt just because I was not there, but I have a tough time with any kind of change. I am happy that she seems happy. I pray that she finds joy in this new phase of her life and I pray that the kids are held by the L-rd through their time dealing with their parent's divorce. I want happiness and joy and love for them all, I just don't understand why it's so hard to watch this all from the outside.

I think I need to shut off my Facebook, it just seems to depress me the more I go on it. I also need to get out of the past. I keep wishing life was the way it was before, but that's just not how life or time works.

L-rd willing y'all won't get yourself too scared this Halloween season. A few more hours in my time zone and then I have survived Halloween 2014!!! May your remaining time be easy to cope with and not at all scary.

Blessings!
BedpanAlley

Fantastic Weekend Review

Hey y'all, how was your weekend? I hope it was fun, or at least relaxing.

Mine was super fun. After going to the barbeque that I kinda initiated... I got to spend nearly an entire day with my Mema. Oh goodness, I LOVE her!!! We drove about 2 hours to go look at the leaves that are changing colors and scoped out some camping spots for next summer with the whole extended family. Super exciting and it killed my back sitting for nearly 5 hours cramped in a car. That's one of the only times I wish I had a little bit shorter legs. That and the fact that I'm taller than most guys... Therefore I tower over the cutie pies I may/may not crush on and I would like to find a guy that's a bit taller than me. I don't know why that's a thing, but I want to feel petite and feminine next to a guy and not like a frickin' giant.

Anywho, I also got to ride horses for about an hour and the horse kept running! Oh my goodness I should have shortened those stirrups. Since I didn't, but bum is a bit sore because I couldn't stand in the stirrups to prevent bouncing up and down about a foot with each horse step. I almost felt like I was going to get thrown too because I was not prepared for the horse to start running, he just took off!

Well, Roommate's mom loves taking pictures. I HATE being in pictures. I loose the argument with her every time because I just adore her! So, I took a picture with Roommate Mama's boyfriend (of 10 years). He's awesome. Really, they have an amazing family. Later that night this picture was posted on the boyfriend's Facebook page. About 5 minutes later he gets a call. Keep in mind it is about 9 at night and where we're from, it's not okay to call after 9 unless it's an emergency. The call was from his nephew and the nephew was asking who I was. He told the boyfriend I was "hot" and some other very flattering descriptive phrases that I was not informed about. Haha, that made me feel significantly better after them silly high school boys told me to try harder. I wasn't even wearing make-up in the picture and my hair was all wind-blown from having ridden horses. So, while I should not be so easily upset and encouraged by these little comments, I am just now coming into being noticed by guys and noticing them back. Plus, the guy that was diggin' on me is a few years older and has a bigger pool of girls and still thought I was worth a "double take". Good thing it was dark when they told me because I was blushing all over!

My brother got a girlfriend. Have I told you about that yet? She got him to smoke pot less and he doesn't drink as much, so that's good. He took the new girlfriend to meet my mama over the weekend without warning mom that the girlfriend was coming. Nobody is telling me anything besides the fact that it went okay. I'm kinda hoping that there are some better stories than that but I guess I'll just have to dig some more this week.

I'm gonna go try to be productive today. We'll see how far that gets me. Also, I think I need to come up with better nicknames for Roommates family... Maybe that's what I'll do today.

Facebook Official

My relationship was never Facebook Official. I wanted to spare us both the drama associated with the relationship change status updates that everyone and their mothers get at the announcement of the relationship beginning and end. Plus, I knew in my heart that I was going against G-d's plan and that we probably wouldn't stick together to marriage. However, Best Friend (now also ex-boyfriend) has taken to posting on social media about wounds not healing, time needed to sort through broken hearts, and a million other things leading everyone to believe he was crushed.

I feel like the biggest jerk in the world because I get to read this knowing I broke my best friend. So there's that.

Personally, I don't post much to social media because I'm not that interesting, I don't have witty comments, and people need to not be bothering themselves with my business. Yes, I am a huge hypocrite because I post everything on this blog that should be making it into my diary, if I had one. However, you people do not really know who I am or where I come from so this is almost like a diary. Also, this blog was supposed to be about nursing school and I was meaning to give you the scoop on things that I questioned that nobody seemed to write about. Now that I'm in nursing school, all the little tidbits I was curious about have escaped my mind and I don't know what it is that you may/may not need to know. Not to mention, nursing school is rough and I haven't gotten super close to people. Don't get me wrong, I have friends, but I am not really connecting to any of them very strongly. So, I come on here and pretend that y'all are my bestest friends in the whole world and I imagine that you want to hear ever little dumb thought that passes through my head. The good news for you is that you don't have to read it if you don't want to :) That's pretty much a win-win because I think I have a bunch of close pals and you don't have to listen/read if you don't want to!



I love all y'all, but hey, I need some more friends...

"Proof That Every Country Song Was Exactly The Same In 2013"

This is a post I found on Facebook from a singer/songwriter I follow. I think it's pretty funny because it's pretty accurate and I LOVE country music. The only thing is: they keep showing the same 5 artists and don't venture out to the hundreds of others that are out there, so it will naturally talk about the same things. Plus, life in small towns revolve around girls in tight jeans (I'm not proud of that), alcohol, trucks, calling girls "girl", dirt roads, and rivers/ponds. That is country life in a nutshell + farming. But, it makes there point and it got me laughing!

Check it out here.

It's also on my Pinterest feed.

"Good Work!"...?

The other day I was scrolling through Facebook, just procrastinating. I happened upon a picture of a guy I used to go to church with (and had a minor 4 year crush on) who had pictures of himself and his new girlfriend. There are so many problems with this, it's just not even funny.

First of all, he was dating a girl who also goes to the church he belongs to. They dated for a few months and were seriously considering marriage. Why? I don't know. A massive reason probably has to do with the fact that they both go to Christian colleges and they have known each other since they were like 3 and now they are approaching 20. All of a sudden, they break up. The church they attend consists of 150 people, on a good day and they push maybe 100 on normal Sundays. Good news is that they are both living at college right now. He is at a seminary college in Florida and she is attending some Christian college in another state so they are apart and their relationship was basically over Facebook, Skype, and the occasional school break when they would come home. Anyway, they broke up.

Remember how I said I had a 4 year crush on the kid until about 4 years ago? It turns out that he had had a crush on me too! Little bugger never hinted at it or made a move, but he told my brother... HE TOLD MY BROTHER!!! and every other person in the whole church! Why on earth would anyone ever do something like that? Everyone knows that rumors spread faster'n wild fire in a church. Also, his dad was the children's pastor. Guess what I got to be for our Christmas play when I was about 10. I was Mary while this guy was Joseph. I should have seen it. How embarrassing! The whole church knew that he liked me and he used his dad to get us married for our big production. Please forgive me, I just realized this whole scheme as I was typing. It never occurred to me in the last 8 years and just hit me like a ton of bricks. So, that happened.

The real reason for this whole spiel? One of the comments on his picture of his new girlfriend was, "Wow dude, good work! She is gorgeous!"

Do I really need to explain? We are not trophies!!! Guys work to see our hearts, but we are not some object to be congratulated over just because we are pretty. That kid that commented does not know if she is smart, kind, gracious, prayerful, generous, funny, or anything besides the fact that she is good looking. When did we, as girls, become just arm candy instead of a valued partner in the journey of life? When did we stop being equal and helpful to guys and turned into an award or something that causes the guy's friends to be jealous?

I need to go, I can feel my blood pressure rising. But girls, have pride in the wonderful heart G-d has put inside you. Develop your relationship with G-d first. Then, find a boy who appreciates that aspect of you and then comes to appreciate your physical beauty, all in due time. Also, make sure you stand up for yourself. If he, or his friends, start to see you as an object as opposed to an equal human being, stand up for yourself!

Maybe I'm blowing this all out of proportion and I'm getting caught up in my feminist ways.

Ladies, I know you can make your own decisions so take my opinions with a grain of salt. Just make sure you're decisions line up with what the Good Book says and life won't be easy, but it'll be significantly easier than it could be.


Also, Victoria's Secret Fashion Show takes place tonight. That's another novel in itself and I don't have time for that.

Good night y'all.

My Week of Weird Texts

So, you know country boy texted me yesterday out of the blue. Guess who texted me today? I bet you would never guess ever... It was one of my old roommates. This particular former roommate was not one who I had huge problems with, but we are not on friend terms any longer. Today, however, she texted me randomly asking me how summer was, what I was up to, if I would be moving in with my brother, what he was going to me majoring in, and (this was the real reason for texting) if I had gotten into nursing school. I answered all of them saying that my brother and I would probably move in together (we already have) and I skipped the nursing school question. So she asked me if I had gotten into nursing school again. I didn't respond to that one and it's been like 2 hours so far...

I think people are convinced I am stupid. A girl who doesn't talk to me for months texts me to see if I got into the nursing program because I blocked her on Facebook. The boy who is talking about getting back with his girlfriend on Facebook is trying to get me to date him.

I promise, I am far from stupid. I may have my foolish moments, but those are few and far between. G-d gave me brains, He gave me wisdom, and He gave me strength. No body is going to be messing with me any longer. They may have gotten away with it in the past, but I'm through letting people dump their bad days and anger on me, especially when I haven't done anything! I am not blaming myself for every bad thing that happens in my life because I don't cause all of the problems. In fact, I fix a lot of them and I take responsibility when I do cause them. I am drawing my boundaries here and I am not being a doormat any longer.