Today was a rough day. Work was not bad, I had a nice preceptor. I learned a lot, and orientation is going well, considering it was only my 3rd day. However, I swear that every trigger I have was hit today.
Dealt with domestic violence reports all morning. Talked about the local domestic violence safe house/counseling program that I was able to go to for counseling. That discussion took me by surprise. I didn't tell anyone that's where I went, but first thing we did in the morning was order a consult so that one of our mom's could be referred to that program. Knife to the heart.
Dirty jokes at the nurse's station almost had me in tears. Deep breaths as I suffocate in the wide open.
We had a baby born from a sexual assault. Another jab.
My friend's nephew died by suicide today because he couldn't handle life after his dad had passed away a few months ago. Flashback to Country Boy, and my heart nearly stopped.
First thing that came on t.v. was a show about a girl who was being abused by her boyfriend, and it almost sounded just like my story with ex-fiance. What are you doing to me L-rd???
I change the channel to find something a little less triggering and one of ex-boyfriend's favorite movies comes on. Just let it be done, let me escape this life.
From the people, to the smells, to the sounds and songs, to the jokes, and everything else that happened today; I was bombarded with triggers. I excused myself during some of the conversations to go get my aromatherapy, but it wasn't the one that is strong enough to get me out of my flashbacks. I don't know if I will be able to work postpartum if this is going to keep up.
A couple days ago I had a drink with a friend and learned that ex-fiance (who told me he was moving to another state "because I called the cops")is actually still here. I haven't even started the other job where ex-boyfriend has family working, who know me and probably despise me now. That probably won't be a good situation if they are still working there.
I don't know what I was thinking!!! How am I supposed to be able to survive living here, with all of my past a part of my every day journey to the bottom of a deep chasm that I had climbed out of when I moved to Small Town last year.
Survival was barely feasible there, 8 hours away from this place. What on earth would make me believe I could survive by facing my dark past at every turn of every day?
Showing posts with label flashbacks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label flashbacks. Show all posts
Sunday, August 13, 2017
Thursday, January 19, 2017
New Year of 2017!
Some of you may wonder what I've been up to for the past couple months...
Well, not much besides working. Work is getting better, mostly because I decided to stop bitching about problems that I can't fix, and working on either 1) fixing or 2) avoiding the problems I can. I know avoidance doesn't sound good, but sometimes it's okay. For instance, if there is a particular charge nurse that you do not work well with, it is okay to not sign up for her nights. Whether to simply give yourself a break or to not have to worry about being around her, or both. However, things with her are better, still awkward, but slightly better. I think she's trying to be nicer to everyone.
We have four new girls coming onto night shift in the next few months. One was a med/surg nurse for awhile and the others are new grads, I believe. Ummm, is it just me or does this seem like a bad idea? They are already upset about so many "inexperienced" girls being on the staffing sheet, let's add in a bunch of other complete newbies! I'm not saying we shouldn't give these new girls a chance, I'm just nervous that we don't have near enough experience on the night shift. If they are considering me "experienced", then we have a major issue.
I lost my first baby. Not lose as in misplace, I'm talking lose as in the baby went back to be with Jesus. It was a bitter sweet experience because those babies had a very small chance of survival, for how early they were and the start they had. And, if they had survived, their quality of life would have been terrible. I cried. I was holding it together until my ICU nurse turned NICU nurse friend started crying as she asked if I was okay. I kept baby alive for 10 hours, without sitting down/drinking/eating once in that amount of time.
There were constant drip changes, tests, blood gases, vent changes, glucose tests, IV insertions, bagging, and various other cared during that time. These babies, they were twins, fought so hard. The doctor was called constantly throughout the night and finally came in as all cares were maxed out. Doctor came in, for the third time that night, and he asked the parents if they wanted to pull support. We discontinued and capped off IV's and umbilical lines. We removed all wires we could, without putting the baby through more pain, and we gently swaddled them in the most beautiful blankets we could find. Finally, we removed their ET tubes and handed the babies to shocked parents.
Our worlds can change in an instant. In one moment, we can be excited for new babies, and picking out baby clothes, beds, and the like. In the very next breath, mere infants can float straight up to the Good L-rd's open arms.
That was my first night of 4. Following the 4 nights, I hopped on a bus headed to Home Town and visited a hot springs location with my mom. That week was so wonderful. We have 3 nights and 4 days at the hot springs, threw in a massage (my first massage ever), and had tons of time to talk over life while relaxing in the warm water. Yep, I'm gonna start getting more massages regularly. I'm working on self-care lately. I'm attempting to get an exercise plan and a workout buddy, but we'll see how far I get with that.
Well, that's all I've got for now. It's been 2 years since I met exboyfriend, and it's been over a year since I ever saw exfiance (except when he found me at that bar and the Angry Canadian from nursing school told him off for me.
Flashbacks come more in waves like memories would as opposed to the overwhelming drownings I used to live through on a minute by minute basis. These memories haunt me every day, but I am learning to survive and breathe through the waves and ground myself more efficiently.
Life rolls on and I am getting farther and farther from those guys. Man alive, I can't believe we're already about a month into the new year. Time is just flying by now that school is done.
Well, not much besides working. Work is getting better, mostly because I decided to stop bitching about problems that I can't fix, and working on either 1) fixing or 2) avoiding the problems I can. I know avoidance doesn't sound good, but sometimes it's okay. For instance, if there is a particular charge nurse that you do not work well with, it is okay to not sign up for her nights. Whether to simply give yourself a break or to not have to worry about being around her, or both. However, things with her are better, still awkward, but slightly better. I think she's trying to be nicer to everyone.
We have four new girls coming onto night shift in the next few months. One was a med/surg nurse for awhile and the others are new grads, I believe. Ummm, is it just me or does this seem like a bad idea? They are already upset about so many "inexperienced" girls being on the staffing sheet, let's add in a bunch of other complete newbies! I'm not saying we shouldn't give these new girls a chance, I'm just nervous that we don't have near enough experience on the night shift. If they are considering me "experienced", then we have a major issue.
I lost my first baby. Not lose as in misplace, I'm talking lose as in the baby went back to be with Jesus. It was a bitter sweet experience because those babies had a very small chance of survival, for how early they were and the start they had. And, if they had survived, their quality of life would have been terrible. I cried. I was holding it together until my ICU nurse turned NICU nurse friend started crying as she asked if I was okay. I kept baby alive for 10 hours, without sitting down/drinking/eating once in that amount of time.
There were constant drip changes, tests, blood gases, vent changes, glucose tests, IV insertions, bagging, and various other cared during that time. These babies, they were twins, fought so hard. The doctor was called constantly throughout the night and finally came in as all cares were maxed out. Doctor came in, for the third time that night, and he asked the parents if they wanted to pull support. We discontinued and capped off IV's and umbilical lines. We removed all wires we could, without putting the baby through more pain, and we gently swaddled them in the most beautiful blankets we could find. Finally, we removed their ET tubes and handed the babies to shocked parents.
Our worlds can change in an instant. In one moment, we can be excited for new babies, and picking out baby clothes, beds, and the like. In the very next breath, mere infants can float straight up to the Good L-rd's open arms.
That was my first night of 4. Following the 4 nights, I hopped on a bus headed to Home Town and visited a hot springs location with my mom. That week was so wonderful. We have 3 nights and 4 days at the hot springs, threw in a massage (my first massage ever), and had tons of time to talk over life while relaxing in the warm water. Yep, I'm gonna start getting more massages regularly. I'm working on self-care lately. I'm attempting to get an exercise plan and a workout buddy, but we'll see how far I get with that.
Well, that's all I've got for now. It's been 2 years since I met exboyfriend, and it's been over a year since I ever saw exfiance (except when he found me at that bar and the Angry Canadian from nursing school told him off for me.
Flashbacks come more in waves like memories would as opposed to the overwhelming drownings I used to live through on a minute by minute basis. These memories haunt me every day, but I am learning to survive and breathe through the waves and ground myself more efficiently.
Life rolls on and I am getting farther and farther from those guys. Man alive, I can't believe we're already about a month into the new year. Time is just flying by now that school is done.
Monday, June 20, 2016
Odd Feeling
I've been feeling strange for quite some time now. It's hard to explain, but it's one of those things that you can just sense you, yourself, are "off".
Looking through Facebook tonight, because I have very little to do in Small Town without a current graduate nurse permit... anywho, it occured to me that I have had to train myself to live in the present moment for the last several months. Actually, about a year and a half now. Don't get me wrong, I'm excellent at "tuning out" and dissociating. However, my dreams of the future have been dampened dramatically to trying to focus on the "here and now" so that I can get myself through each new hour that I am left breathing here on this planet.
There are still days I wake up startled from nightmares.
I still have several panic attacks a week/month (on a good month).
My eating and self-care is not nearly where it needs to be.
Flashbacks still occur several times every hour.
I don't like people at the door, it freaks me out.
Even in a different state, the sight of trucks freak me the fuck out. Doesn't matter if they're red, green, purple, neon orange, any color of the damn rainbow; they freak me out... again...
Ragardless, these things have become my new normal. Flashbacks and nightmares and trucks still frighten me to my core, but I am not as notably shaken to everyone else because I've been battling this shit for over a year now.
For a year I haven't been able to dream for my future. I can't think about a time when I'll be completely free of these burdens because that day will never come, until the day I die. The suicidal thoughts have subsided a bit. I've been able to cut down on my self-harm and the way I used to take mass amounts of Benadryl, Tylenol, and Ibuprofen to self-sedate my brain into sleep for a few days. Most days, I am able to get myself something to eat and I'm drinking more water than wine, again.
Still, my hopes for a future are essentially nonexistent at this point. On one level, it's a little nice to not keep getting my hopes up, just to have them crushed year after year. On a deeper level, of me as a 22-year-old young "lady" (quotes because let's be honest, I'm a complete tomboy besides these past few months of ridiculous whiny posts) still wants to be able to dream about G-d providing a husband for me, a white gown and walking down the aisle. Someday having children, continuing on with my nursing education, teaching my children how to live with lots of animals and teaching them about the various things in life. This, teaching them about life, is usually where I shift into reverse and convince myself a future needs to not happen.
Getting to the point in my imagination that there is a husband and there are children is a long, long process. It used to be something to look forward to, ponder, and pray about. Now, it feels like pulling teeth and I find myself begging the Good L-rd to have someone who is patient and kind enough to be able to handle my crap baggage. Then it slows even more because I get to thinking about how being with me would not be fair to a single soul. That's about the time that all past roommates and all the negative comments about how badly I suck start playing through my mind...
Anyway, in the off chance I get to the point where I think about the things to teach my imaginary children, I come to a complete stop when I think about them being any older than an infant. How can I handle them going to a sleep over where I'm not there? What if the friend has older siblings? Are those older siblings supervised? What happens when we have to have the "sex talk"? Do I tell them about what happened to me? Will that cause trauma? Will that make them over-paranoid? When they are in high school/college, will they be able to stay safe from the horrors inflicted upon me? Will I have days where I stay in bed and call my mom or mother-in-law to deal with the kids because I simply can't? How do I explain to them the days when I'm weepy, dissociated, sad, numb, or completely unable to function? How is this fair to kids? How would this be fair to a husband?
How the hell is any of this shit fair to me? I didn't ask for any of these assaults.
A year and a half ago, I was going about life, excited to be a nurse and to see what my future had in store. One absolute shitty year changed it all for me.
I'm still taking my life hour-by-hour, sometimes I work myself up to a day-by-day mentality. Those days, where I'm not living hour-by-hour, are surprisingly my "good" days.
Maybe someday I'll get to a point where I can dream about a future. Maybe, someday, I'll have a future.
June 12 was supposed to be my "wedding day". Haha, that was the date I picked for the wedding of exfiance and I. That day came and went and it was one of the best, most freeing days I've had in a long time. It was a day where I woke up knowing that I dodged a bomb. No, he was not bullet to dodge, he was a fucking bomb!!! I'm by no means completely safe, and I have a long way to go before I am healed, but I am free. Praise the L-rd for that.
Looking through Facebook tonight, because I have very little to do in Small Town without a current graduate nurse permit... anywho, it occured to me that I have had to train myself to live in the present moment for the last several months. Actually, about a year and a half now. Don't get me wrong, I'm excellent at "tuning out" and dissociating. However, my dreams of the future have been dampened dramatically to trying to focus on the "here and now" so that I can get myself through each new hour that I am left breathing here on this planet.
There are still days I wake up startled from nightmares.
I still have several panic attacks a week/month (on a good month).
My eating and self-care is not nearly where it needs to be.
Flashbacks still occur several times every hour.
I don't like people at the door, it freaks me out.
Even in a different state, the sight of trucks freak me the fuck out. Doesn't matter if they're red, green, purple, neon orange, any color of the damn rainbow; they freak me out... again...
Ragardless, these things have become my new normal. Flashbacks and nightmares and trucks still frighten me to my core, but I am not as notably shaken to everyone else because I've been battling this shit for over a year now.
For a year I haven't been able to dream for my future. I can't think about a time when I'll be completely free of these burdens because that day will never come, until the day I die. The suicidal thoughts have subsided a bit. I've been able to cut down on my self-harm and the way I used to take mass amounts of Benadryl, Tylenol, and Ibuprofen to self-sedate my brain into sleep for a few days. Most days, I am able to get myself something to eat and I'm drinking more water than wine, again.
Still, my hopes for a future are essentially nonexistent at this point. On one level, it's a little nice to not keep getting my hopes up, just to have them crushed year after year. On a deeper level, of me as a 22-year-old young "lady" (quotes because let's be honest, I'm a complete tomboy besides these past few months of ridiculous whiny posts) still wants to be able to dream about G-d providing a husband for me, a white gown and walking down the aisle. Someday having children, continuing on with my nursing education, teaching my children how to live with lots of animals and teaching them about the various things in life. This, teaching them about life, is usually where I shift into reverse and convince myself a future needs to not happen.
Getting to the point in my imagination that there is a husband and there are children is a long, long process. It used to be something to look forward to, ponder, and pray about. Now, it feels like pulling teeth and I find myself begging the Good L-rd to have someone who is patient and kind enough to be able to handle my crap baggage. Then it slows even more because I get to thinking about how being with me would not be fair to a single soul. That's about the time that all past roommates and all the negative comments about how badly I suck start playing through my mind...
Anyway, in the off chance I get to the point where I think about the things to teach my imaginary children, I come to a complete stop when I think about them being any older than an infant. How can I handle them going to a sleep over where I'm not there? What if the friend has older siblings? Are those older siblings supervised? What happens when we have to have the "sex talk"? Do I tell them about what happened to me? Will that cause trauma? Will that make them over-paranoid? When they are in high school/college, will they be able to stay safe from the horrors inflicted upon me? Will I have days where I stay in bed and call my mom or mother-in-law to deal with the kids because I simply can't? How do I explain to them the days when I'm weepy, dissociated, sad, numb, or completely unable to function? How is this fair to kids? How would this be fair to a husband?
How the hell is any of this shit fair to me? I didn't ask for any of these assaults.
A year and a half ago, I was going about life, excited to be a nurse and to see what my future had in store. One absolute shitty year changed it all for me.
I'm still taking my life hour-by-hour, sometimes I work myself up to a day-by-day mentality. Those days, where I'm not living hour-by-hour, are surprisingly my "good" days.
Maybe someday I'll get to a point where I can dream about a future. Maybe, someday, I'll have a future.
June 12 was supposed to be my "wedding day". Haha, that was the date I picked for the wedding of exfiance and I. That day came and went and it was one of the best, most freeing days I've had in a long time. It was a day where I woke up knowing that I dodged a bomb. No, he was not bullet to dodge, he was a fucking bomb!!! I'm by no means completely safe, and I have a long way to go before I am healed, but I am free. Praise the L-rd for that.
Thursday, June 16, 2016
Life As a New Grad Nurse...???
There are seasons in my life where everything seems to be going wrong. When I say "wrong" I mean, life suffocates me and it's all I can do to crawl to the bathroom in the event that I have to pee. I spend days in bed sleeping, don't need to eat, drinking something like water only happens to get down the pills, and I am paralyzed.
There are other seasons, where, for the first time in a very long time, I will have weeks of good days and I may be excited about life for awhile. Times when I see the fruition of the L-rd's work and I suddenly believe that life will work out and cooperate for a bit.
Then, there are days like today... My short bit of life right before and following graduation were wonderful. I was full of hope, some anxiety but it was more nervous excitement than true anxiety, I was able to smile, I felt lighter, I was graduating nursing school! I had a job! I was moving to Small Town and I'm getting away from the town that has produced nothing but pain for me the past year or two. I was leaving the boys that destroyed my sense of self and I would not have to worry about seeing their trucks on the road any longer. I don't have to worry about seeing them at a bar or when I go out to supper with friends. I don't have to be concerned that I'll bump into one of their friends when I go out bowling or to the grocery store. There was a light at the end of my deep, dark, looooooooong tunnel and I was nearing it!
I am nearer to the light, but it's gotten a bit dim today. I haven't started work and I've been down here for nearly two weeks. I've been graduated from nursing school for over a month and still no money coming in. Without work, I haven't been able to meet new people. A highlight in my day involves going to the grocery store across the street because they help every single customer out to their car so I get to talk to the person that helps me out. This is my socialization. I've spent time with my Mema and other family who is down here, but everyone seems to be so busy! They keep asking me how my license is coming and it's irritating to only be able to say that I'm still waiting on the board of nursing for the state. I JUST WANT TO START WORKING!!!
I go on vacation in about a week and a half and really want to work before I go on that vacation.
Through nursing school, everyone tells you how scary it is to wait to take the NCLEX. They tell you how scary it is waiting for the results. They tell you how hard the first year of nursing is, but they explain that it will still be rewarding and exciting.
Nobody tells you about the month or two in between nursing school and the NCLEX/working where life seems to stand still. It's a struggle if you do have a job because you are now college educated, working your college job... Or, you might be like me, who took a semester off of work for various reasons, and now you're waiting on the governmental agency to get their shit together so that you can begin your life!!! I'm going nuts!
Thing is, I've had so many friends text me disappointed about not having a job yet, not being able to work, being scared about how they will pay their bills, worried that they aren't good enough to be a nurse because the local hospitals won't hire them because of the mass influx in new grads, and we're all terrified. Nobody told us about this season of self-doubt, depression, anxiousness, feelings of failure, frustration at the system, and disappointment in ourselves for even feeling these things.
Most of us are having a terribly difficult time. I slept until 12:30 p.m. today and haven't left my bed yet because I have no motivation to do anything. I don't feel needed, I don't have friends to be able to see, I don't have money to be able to go do anything, and I can't see a purpose to get dressed or complete any task. Couple that with my nightmare I had last night (I'll tell you about it in my next post) and the flashbacks that are coming back in full force, I'm struggling. Now, I'm not as bad as I have been. This is the point where I can still turn my depressive episode around. All I have to do is find the energy and desire.
There are other seasons, where, for the first time in a very long time, I will have weeks of good days and I may be excited about life for awhile. Times when I see the fruition of the L-rd's work and I suddenly believe that life will work out and cooperate for a bit.
Then, there are days like today... My short bit of life right before and following graduation were wonderful. I was full of hope, some anxiety but it was more nervous excitement than true anxiety, I was able to smile, I felt lighter, I was graduating nursing school! I had a job! I was moving to Small Town and I'm getting away from the town that has produced nothing but pain for me the past year or two. I was leaving the boys that destroyed my sense of self and I would not have to worry about seeing their trucks on the road any longer. I don't have to worry about seeing them at a bar or when I go out to supper with friends. I don't have to be concerned that I'll bump into one of their friends when I go out bowling or to the grocery store. There was a light at the end of my deep, dark, looooooooong tunnel and I was nearing it!
I am nearer to the light, but it's gotten a bit dim today. I haven't started work and I've been down here for nearly two weeks. I've been graduated from nursing school for over a month and still no money coming in. Without work, I haven't been able to meet new people. A highlight in my day involves going to the grocery store across the street because they help every single customer out to their car so I get to talk to the person that helps me out. This is my socialization. I've spent time with my Mema and other family who is down here, but everyone seems to be so busy! They keep asking me how my license is coming and it's irritating to only be able to say that I'm still waiting on the board of nursing for the state. I JUST WANT TO START WORKING!!!
I go on vacation in about a week and a half and really want to work before I go on that vacation.
Through nursing school, everyone tells you how scary it is to wait to take the NCLEX. They tell you how scary it is waiting for the results. They tell you how hard the first year of nursing is, but they explain that it will still be rewarding and exciting.
Nobody tells you about the month or two in between nursing school and the NCLEX/working where life seems to stand still. It's a struggle if you do have a job because you are now college educated, working your college job... Or, you might be like me, who took a semester off of work for various reasons, and now you're waiting on the governmental agency to get their shit together so that you can begin your life!!! I'm going nuts!
Thing is, I've had so many friends text me disappointed about not having a job yet, not being able to work, being scared about how they will pay their bills, worried that they aren't good enough to be a nurse because the local hospitals won't hire them because of the mass influx in new grads, and we're all terrified. Nobody told us about this season of self-doubt, depression, anxiousness, feelings of failure, frustration at the system, and disappointment in ourselves for even feeling these things.
Most of us are having a terribly difficult time. I slept until 12:30 p.m. today and haven't left my bed yet because I have no motivation to do anything. I don't feel needed, I don't have friends to be able to see, I don't have money to be able to go do anything, and I can't see a purpose to get dressed or complete any task. Couple that with my nightmare I had last night (I'll tell you about it in my next post) and the flashbacks that are coming back in full force, I'm struggling. Now, I'm not as bad as I have been. This is the point where I can still turn my depressive episode around. All I have to do is find the energy and desire.
Sunday, April 17, 2016
Painful Memories
Tomorrow marks the anniversary of ex-boyfriend's first assault on me. A year ago, I was excited on this night. It was a Friday, I believe and I was probably at his new house watching a movie with him. Actually, he went to bed early so we were probably back in his bed, falling asleep or already sleeping by now.
He didn't try to touch me this night. I was still blissfully ignorant of the danger lurking within him.
The most he probably did was try to grab my butt or my boobs while he made out with me. I was uncomfortable sleeping in his bed, but he wouldn't let me sleep out on the couch. I was also dumb enough to believe that sleeping over would be okay. I was naive enough to believe that I was safe with him.
I've been wrestling with terrible thoughts in my head. For as long as I can remember, I was told to love those who hurt you and hate nobody but Satan.
I've been struggling to wrap my head around the evil that was done to my body and the fact that these guys think that they did nothing wrong.
I have been struggling to keep my mind from saying that "I hate them."
I hate what they've done to me. I hate that they have no fucking clue that my life is ruined. I hate that if the news ever got out that they did these things to me, nobody will believe me and they will blame me for making up stories. I hate that the law is on their side in this backwards legal system. I hate that they will likely have no punishment because what could potentially happen in the best case scenario for me or worst case scenario for them? NOTHING! Absolutely, fucking nothing.
Justice is bullshit. The legal system is not working for victims, it helps nobody but those who have broken the law. So, what's the point in reporting? There is none.
I'm so fucking over this shit. I can't sleep. My mind is being bombarded with the evil acts these assholes have done to me. The only comfort I have is absolutely nothing. There is no comfort. There is no justice. There is nothing I, or anyone, can do to right these wrongs.
L-rd, give me peace and comfort in the coming months as all of my anniversaries come to bombard me and swallow me whole. Quiet my heart and give me restful sleep. Allow me to somehow forget these evil guys. Somehow, in the coming judgement, bring me justice, oh L-rd. Give me something to tell me that the suffering I have unfortunately survived this last year is not in vain. Oh L-rd, redeem me and punish those who have wronged me and invaded my body. Ad-nai, forgive my past trangressions and remember what has happened. L-rd, remember those who love you and deliver me from the evil bestowed upon me.
Why was this given to me? What did I do that warranted that type of punishment? Or, what kind of sick test was that?!? WHY???
Ironically, tomorrow's pediatric lecture is on childhood abuse and will most likely mention sexual assault because that seems to be a popular topic in that stupid class. As such, I am not going. I refuse to go. The peds instructor makes sick jokes about rape, suicide, abuse, and other "hot button" topics that immediately make me cry. How will I handle such topics from now on? I will just refuse to go to class! Fuck you, lady. L-rd willing, you've never lived through these terrible things. As someone who survived multiple suicide attempts, is living through grieving a friend's suicide, having been abused by boyfriends, and raped by two separate guys on numerous occasions, YOU HAVE NO PLACE TO TALK!!!
No decent person makes jokes about abuse, rape, or suicide. Don't fuck with those topics. If you have to talk about them, and I think it's important to discuss them, then you treat them with the respect and seriousness they deserve. Get people who are experts and who are tender to the issues to come and teach the lecture, if that is required.
Don't fucking mess with me and don't tell me you know when you don't lady (peds professor and Jersey.)
Some of you, out there in the blog-o-sphere, unfortunately understand the pain of living through traumatic events. Though we have not lived the same life, I am sorry for your suffering. We can't fully comprehend each others pain and journey, but I know what it is like to live my trauma and I am sorry for anyone who has to live through their own. For anything you've been through, I am, from the bottom of my heart, sorry.
For those of you who haven't, I am so very glad that you haven't. I do not wish this on anyone. Having said that, please do not tell those of us who are survivors of trauma that you know what we are going through. If you say anything, tell us that you are sorry and then slap that pity look right off your face. We don't need pity. We are still a person, just like anyone else. Unfortunately, we were dealt a hand in life where we were forced to be a bit stronger than the average person. That does not mean we need pity. Giving us that fucking pity look and babying us after we tell you only makes the situation worse. Don't distance yourself from us or treat us differently besides avoiding the triggers we ask you to avoid. Besides that, treat us normally, but silently give us more patience as we heal.
He didn't try to touch me this night. I was still blissfully ignorant of the danger lurking within him.
The most he probably did was try to grab my butt or my boobs while he made out with me. I was uncomfortable sleeping in his bed, but he wouldn't let me sleep out on the couch. I was also dumb enough to believe that sleeping over would be okay. I was naive enough to believe that I was safe with him.
I've been wrestling with terrible thoughts in my head. For as long as I can remember, I was told to love those who hurt you and hate nobody but Satan.
I've been struggling to wrap my head around the evil that was done to my body and the fact that these guys think that they did nothing wrong.
I have been struggling to keep my mind from saying that "I hate them."
I hate what they've done to me. I hate that they have no fucking clue that my life is ruined. I hate that if the news ever got out that they did these things to me, nobody will believe me and they will blame me for making up stories. I hate that the law is on their side in this backwards legal system. I hate that they will likely have no punishment because what could potentially happen in the best case scenario for me or worst case scenario for them? NOTHING! Absolutely, fucking nothing.
Justice is bullshit. The legal system is not working for victims, it helps nobody but those who have broken the law. So, what's the point in reporting? There is none.
I'm so fucking over this shit. I can't sleep. My mind is being bombarded with the evil acts these assholes have done to me. The only comfort I have is absolutely nothing. There is no comfort. There is no justice. There is nothing I, or anyone, can do to right these wrongs.
L-rd, give me peace and comfort in the coming months as all of my anniversaries come to bombard me and swallow me whole. Quiet my heart and give me restful sleep. Allow me to somehow forget these evil guys. Somehow, in the coming judgement, bring me justice, oh L-rd. Give me something to tell me that the suffering I have unfortunately survived this last year is not in vain. Oh L-rd, redeem me and punish those who have wronged me and invaded my body. Ad-nai, forgive my past trangressions and remember what has happened. L-rd, remember those who love you and deliver me from the evil bestowed upon me.
Why was this given to me? What did I do that warranted that type of punishment? Or, what kind of sick test was that?!? WHY???
Ironically, tomorrow's pediatric lecture is on childhood abuse and will most likely mention sexual assault because that seems to be a popular topic in that stupid class. As such, I am not going. I refuse to go. The peds instructor makes sick jokes about rape, suicide, abuse, and other "hot button" topics that immediately make me cry. How will I handle such topics from now on? I will just refuse to go to class! Fuck you, lady. L-rd willing, you've never lived through these terrible things. As someone who survived multiple suicide attempts, is living through grieving a friend's suicide, having been abused by boyfriends, and raped by two separate guys on numerous occasions, YOU HAVE NO PLACE TO TALK!!!
No decent person makes jokes about abuse, rape, or suicide. Don't fuck with those topics. If you have to talk about them, and I think it's important to discuss them, then you treat them with the respect and seriousness they deserve. Get people who are experts and who are tender to the issues to come and teach the lecture, if that is required.
Don't fucking mess with me and don't tell me you know when you don't lady (peds professor and Jersey.)
Some of you, out there in the blog-o-sphere, unfortunately understand the pain of living through traumatic events. Though we have not lived the same life, I am sorry for your suffering. We can't fully comprehend each others pain and journey, but I know what it is like to live my trauma and I am sorry for anyone who has to live through their own. For anything you've been through, I am, from the bottom of my heart, sorry.
For those of you who haven't, I am so very glad that you haven't. I do not wish this on anyone. Having said that, please do not tell those of us who are survivors of trauma that you know what we are going through. If you say anything, tell us that you are sorry and then slap that pity look right off your face. We don't need pity. We are still a person, just like anyone else. Unfortunately, we were dealt a hand in life where we were forced to be a bit stronger than the average person. That does not mean we need pity. Giving us that fucking pity look and babying us after we tell you only makes the situation worse. Don't distance yourself from us or treat us differently besides avoiding the triggers we ask you to avoid. Besides that, treat us normally, but silently give us more patience as we heal.
Sunday, March 20, 2016
***Probably Don't Want to Read This One***
*****This post is going to be all anger and some really bad language. Just don't read it if you don't want, it's going to be bad.*****
I hate sex. I hate it, I HATE IT, I HATE IT!!!
Yes, it is supposed to be some beautiful thing that brings about closeness in a relationship with your spouse and it results in babies occasionally.
You know what else it does? It ruins lives when forced upon someone.
Now, something that I was so excited to share with my husband and only my husband has been used to completely ruin my life and desecrate my body. It fucked up my brain and has utterly ruined my life.
I will never be okay.
Have I had sex? I don't know because I didn't choose to allow that to be done to my body!!!
Am I a virgin? I have no fucking clue because a penis has been in my vagina, but I DID NOT want it there!!!
I don't even know what I am. I don't know what I can be classified as. I don't know how to proceed to answer these seemingly simple questions because how to you answer when these things have been forced upon you?
Guys don't like the answer of "I don't know" to the question of if I've had sex or if I'm a virgin. Honestly, what the fuck am I supposed to say? How do I be honest and yet keep the pain from my past concealed for awhile longer?
I hate sex.
When i find a nice guy to simply talk to, it seems futile because they want sex because they've gotten it from other girls.
I hate sex.
I hate sex because it left my parents with me. Because of sex and some damn sperm finding my mom's egg, I'm here and they had to get married. Messed up life plans, stuck them together, and fucked it all up.
I hate sex.
I can't watch most movies, read many books, even drive down the street without flashbacks.
I hate sex.
I have nightmares and crying spells, even on my best days, because of some guys fucking penis being shoved into me.
I hate sex.
I HATE SEX!
I HATE SEX!!!
I hate sex. I hate it, I HATE IT, I HATE IT!!!
Yes, it is supposed to be some beautiful thing that brings about closeness in a relationship with your spouse and it results in babies occasionally.
You know what else it does? It ruins lives when forced upon someone.
Now, something that I was so excited to share with my husband and only my husband has been used to completely ruin my life and desecrate my body. It fucked up my brain and has utterly ruined my life.
I will never be okay.
Have I had sex? I don't know because I didn't choose to allow that to be done to my body!!!
Am I a virgin? I have no fucking clue because a penis has been in my vagina, but I DID NOT want it there!!!
I don't even know what I am. I don't know what I can be classified as. I don't know how to proceed to answer these seemingly simple questions because how to you answer when these things have been forced upon you?
Guys don't like the answer of "I don't know" to the question of if I've had sex or if I'm a virgin. Honestly, what the fuck am I supposed to say? How do I be honest and yet keep the pain from my past concealed for awhile longer?
I hate sex.
When i find a nice guy to simply talk to, it seems futile because they want sex because they've gotten it from other girls.
I hate sex.
I hate sex because it left my parents with me. Because of sex and some damn sperm finding my mom's egg, I'm here and they had to get married. Messed up life plans, stuck them together, and fucked it all up.
I hate sex.
I can't watch most movies, read many books, even drive down the street without flashbacks.
I hate sex.
I have nightmares and crying spells, even on my best days, because of some guys fucking penis being shoved into me.
I hate sex.
I HATE SEX!
I HATE SEX!!!
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Ups and Downs
Roomie's boyfriend turns out to be pretty cool. I'm keeping my distance from everyone right now.
Brother got a 1 a.m. text from me freaking out because nobody is ever going to want me and my brain hates me so it's bringing up all of the terrible things from my past to show me, all at once, in an attempt to kill me slowly. It's not working.
I finished a bottle and a quarter of wine off today once I got home. I'm hoping I'll fall asleep soon.
I have homework but I honestly don't care because my brain isn't even working right now.
Counseling went about how I thought it was going to. Crying and increased flashbacks/nightmares are normal at this point. I'm normal. It's okay for me to be frustrated, but I made a lot of progress in a really short amount of time and now it's time to regress again.
Great.
I'm tired but I'm gonna go for a walk.
Brother got a 1 a.m. text from me freaking out because nobody is ever going to want me and my brain hates me so it's bringing up all of the terrible things from my past to show me, all at once, in an attempt to kill me slowly. It's not working.
I finished a bottle and a quarter of wine off today once I got home. I'm hoping I'll fall asleep soon.
I have homework but I honestly don't care because my brain isn't even working right now.
Counseling went about how I thought it was going to. Crying and increased flashbacks/nightmares are normal at this point. I'm normal. It's okay for me to be frustrated, but I made a lot of progress in a really short amount of time and now it's time to regress again.
Great.
I'm tired but I'm gonna go for a walk.
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Let's be real for a second...
Something I found horrifying when I started nursing school, was that many nurses end up having substance abuse problems. As a new nursing student they teach you all the harm smoking, drinking, and other drugs can cause to a body. Good heavens, it seems like smoking is a risk factor for damn near every cancer, disease, and ailment known to man. Likewise, alcohol and street drugs (including marijuana, though that is debatably "street" depending on which state you're in...) are also risk factors for so many ailments that the three things cannot even be a test question because the answer would be "all of the above" or you'd have to select all options on a "select all that apply" question.
Learning these, and then hearing that nurses become dependent and/or abuse alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs (street and prescription) was absolutely shaking to my foundation. Keep in mind that I was under the legal drinking age and had not ever been drunk or had a drink for the first year and a half of nursing school and the whole year I spent on prereqs. That's about 2.5 years of college without drinking while those around me drank whether of age or underage.
I was also in a glorious little bubble where the hymns at church speaking of suffering meant that I suffered at the hands of friends ignoring me for a couple of days because they didn't like what I was wearing, or they happened to be PMS-ing that day and had it in them to focus all of their evil menstrual rage in my direction. This happens for males and females alike, don't worry.
As I went through more and more college, and became old enough to be "legal," it became acceptable for me to responsibly consume ethanol (drinking alcohol). You learn pretty quick that it calms down your mind, dancing is more fun (or actually possible with someone as uptight as I am), and life slows down and relaxes for a moment. Is this healthy? I think it is okay in moderation. The danger zone comes into effect when it is your daily routine, you have to drink in order to "wake up" in the morning, or you begin to use alcohol to get through anything you may be going through in life. These are excessive. Quite frankly, there is a very fine line between okay and absolutely not okay. It is even easier to cross over said line and take it to an unhealthy level.
It is frowned upon for anyone to smoke, let alone doctors/nurses/other healthcare professionals. However, if you talk to those who smoke, nicotine provides and instant period of relaxation. They can be having a mental breakdown or they could have experienced a hugely traumatic event and smoke a cigarette and then they can breathe and calm down for awhile. Do cigarettes have carcinogens, increase you risk of having a stroke, and cause powerful addiction talons to dig themselves into your life and drain the money and life right out of you? Yes, they probably do. However, keep in mind why people begin smoking in the first place. You don't know what life struggles they face and what kind of things have happened in their life collectively to bring them to the place they are now. This is difficult to remember when the 30 year smoker is demanding another nicotine patch after an hour of putting on the first one while they are also asking you (the nurse or health professional) for a cigarette.
Prescription drugs and "street drugs" can be seen similarly. They can provide a high and an escape from reality.
The thing with all of these substances is that they are very dangerous and problematic for those that use the substance. It doesn't matter if it is alcohol, tobacco, prescription drugs, street drugs, or any other type of mind altering substance. These things can be very dangerous and addicting. However, before you judge someone for smoking, drinking, or using, remember you don't know their story.
I have at least a triple threat of alcoholism and substance abuse because: 1) I am the daughter of an alcoholic and have a long, extensive family history of alcoholism, 2) I am going into nursing which is a terribly difficult career and lifestyle choice, and 3) I have been raped, sexually assaulted, and severely abused (mental, physical, sexual, and psychological [pretty much all of them]) for a year with boys and longer with others in my life that I will left unmentioned. I am also the daughter of a smoker with a long, extensive family history of smoking and other substance abuse.
I have the deck stacked against me. My mind never shuts off. Maybe some of you know what this is like, but I pray none of you do know this pain and the daily struggle of fighting through the constant noise in your head to just get out of bed and possibly get food or water each day. Don't even go into needing to be a sister, solid daughter that helps, a student, and the other various roles I've had to fill. I will admit to having the occasional margarita with friends after class, during happy hour. We are stressed, we are looking for opportunities to hang out and decrease some of our tension. This is enough to want to take some time and quiet our brains. Add in anything else (being a parent, having family/friend drama, trauma, abuse, and anything else) and you have exponentially increased the desire to have a drink and calm down.
It can be easy for anyone on this earth to feel stressed enough, at one point or another, to desire a way of release. Each person has a way they find that tension relief. All I ask is that you don't judge when people are under your care that have smoked, have a history of alcohol use, or a problem with using. Yes, these things are self-inflicted and they cause so many of the problems we see in hospitals. It is easy to blame a behavior instead of understanding the reasoning behind a person's behavior. Having been through what I've lived through, I have had my mind opened to being so much more understanding to those who use or have a history of using substances. Hell, some nights, the only thing that will shut my brain up for a solid 5 minutes is having a drink and appetizers with friends that I trust.
Don't get me wrong. I do not condone drinking and driving, smoking, using drugs, or getting prescriptions to fulfill a person's desire for prescription drugs. I am not supporting abusing substances in any way. I'm just saying, you don't know why someone started using. Chances are, they understand how bad their substance is for them, but you don't know what is going on in their life or what is happening in their head. My head is a constant "war zone" of sorts. I can't explain exactly what happens, but I have constant flashbacks of the guys that have hurt me, my friend committing suicide, the voice telling me I am unwanted/unlovable/worthy of death or lifelong solitude, and a myriad of other terrible experiences. In the world, you can use music or physically move to change your surroundings. When the bad things that happened to you are constantly replaying in your mind and dreams, you have no way of controlling the thoughts that bombard you whether you are awake or asleep.
You don't know the abuses, the pain, or the circumstances anyone has had to live you. You don't know. There is no way to actually be able to completely convey what a person has lived through.
My point: Please, just don't judge anyone.
Learning these, and then hearing that nurses become dependent and/or abuse alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs (street and prescription) was absolutely shaking to my foundation. Keep in mind that I was under the legal drinking age and had not ever been drunk or had a drink for the first year and a half of nursing school and the whole year I spent on prereqs. That's about 2.5 years of college without drinking while those around me drank whether of age or underage.
I was also in a glorious little bubble where the hymns at church speaking of suffering meant that I suffered at the hands of friends ignoring me for a couple of days because they didn't like what I was wearing, or they happened to be PMS-ing that day and had it in them to focus all of their evil menstrual rage in my direction. This happens for males and females alike, don't worry.
As I went through more and more college, and became old enough to be "legal," it became acceptable for me to responsibly consume ethanol (drinking alcohol). You learn pretty quick that it calms down your mind, dancing is more fun (or actually possible with someone as uptight as I am), and life slows down and relaxes for a moment. Is this healthy? I think it is okay in moderation. The danger zone comes into effect when it is your daily routine, you have to drink in order to "wake up" in the morning, or you begin to use alcohol to get through anything you may be going through in life. These are excessive. Quite frankly, there is a very fine line between okay and absolutely not okay. It is even easier to cross over said line and take it to an unhealthy level.
It is frowned upon for anyone to smoke, let alone doctors/nurses/other healthcare professionals. However, if you talk to those who smoke, nicotine provides and instant period of relaxation. They can be having a mental breakdown or they could have experienced a hugely traumatic event and smoke a cigarette and then they can breathe and calm down for awhile. Do cigarettes have carcinogens, increase you risk of having a stroke, and cause powerful addiction talons to dig themselves into your life and drain the money and life right out of you? Yes, they probably do. However, keep in mind why people begin smoking in the first place. You don't know what life struggles they face and what kind of things have happened in their life collectively to bring them to the place they are now. This is difficult to remember when the 30 year smoker is demanding another nicotine patch after an hour of putting on the first one while they are also asking you (the nurse or health professional) for a cigarette.
Prescription drugs and "street drugs" can be seen similarly. They can provide a high and an escape from reality.
The thing with all of these substances is that they are very dangerous and problematic for those that use the substance. It doesn't matter if it is alcohol, tobacco, prescription drugs, street drugs, or any other type of mind altering substance. These things can be very dangerous and addicting. However, before you judge someone for smoking, drinking, or using, remember you don't know their story.
I have at least a triple threat of alcoholism and substance abuse because: 1) I am the daughter of an alcoholic and have a long, extensive family history of alcoholism, 2) I am going into nursing which is a terribly difficult career and lifestyle choice, and 3) I have been raped, sexually assaulted, and severely abused (mental, physical, sexual, and psychological [pretty much all of them]) for a year with boys and longer with others in my life that I will left unmentioned. I am also the daughter of a smoker with a long, extensive family history of smoking and other substance abuse.
I have the deck stacked against me. My mind never shuts off. Maybe some of you know what this is like, but I pray none of you do know this pain and the daily struggle of fighting through the constant noise in your head to just get out of bed and possibly get food or water each day. Don't even go into needing to be a sister, solid daughter that helps, a student, and the other various roles I've had to fill. I will admit to having the occasional margarita with friends after class, during happy hour. We are stressed, we are looking for opportunities to hang out and decrease some of our tension. This is enough to want to take some time and quiet our brains. Add in anything else (being a parent, having family/friend drama, trauma, abuse, and anything else) and you have exponentially increased the desire to have a drink and calm down.
It can be easy for anyone on this earth to feel stressed enough, at one point or another, to desire a way of release. Each person has a way they find that tension relief. All I ask is that you don't judge when people are under your care that have smoked, have a history of alcohol use, or a problem with using. Yes, these things are self-inflicted and they cause so many of the problems we see in hospitals. It is easy to blame a behavior instead of understanding the reasoning behind a person's behavior. Having been through what I've lived through, I have had my mind opened to being so much more understanding to those who use or have a history of using substances. Hell, some nights, the only thing that will shut my brain up for a solid 5 minutes is having a drink and appetizers with friends that I trust.
Don't get me wrong. I do not condone drinking and driving, smoking, using drugs, or getting prescriptions to fulfill a person's desire for prescription drugs. I am not supporting abusing substances in any way. I'm just saying, you don't know why someone started using. Chances are, they understand how bad their substance is for them, but you don't know what is going on in their life or what is happening in their head. My head is a constant "war zone" of sorts. I can't explain exactly what happens, but I have constant flashbacks of the guys that have hurt me, my friend committing suicide, the voice telling me I am unwanted/unlovable/worthy of death or lifelong solitude, and a myriad of other terrible experiences. In the world, you can use music or physically move to change your surroundings. When the bad things that happened to you are constantly replaying in your mind and dreams, you have no way of controlling the thoughts that bombard you whether you are awake or asleep.
You don't know the abuses, the pain, or the circumstances anyone has had to live you. You don't know. There is no way to actually be able to completely convey what a person has lived through.
My point: Please, just don't judge anyone.
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Forgiveness?
I have found, in the past few years, it is easier to forgive others than it is to forgive myself.
I keep waking up with panic attacks because I feel like I have failed my future husband, G-d, and myself. I feel unlovable and ruined. The nightmares and flashbacks are becoming too much for me. I keep playing what has happened in the past year, over and over again in my head. I could have fought harder. I could have prevented so many problems by breaking up with these boys when I had originally wanted to, if only I had had the guts and the strength to do it. I am quite convinced that I have made too many mistakes to be able to have any kind of a future like the one that I wanted so badly.
I wanted a sweet guy, who waited for marriage before having sex. I don't deserve that anymore because I allowed my body to be used by guys other than my husband. I wanted to save my first kiss for my wedding day and I blew that on a guy who was 5 years older than me because I was feeling pressured and didn't stand up for myself the way I needed to. Granted, I have learned a lot, but at a steep price.
I have lost the little sanity I was born with, and I feel as though I've been trampled.
I keep going back and forth between wondering if what happened to me was my fault, or if I did all I needed to and was able to at the time, to protect myself and my purity.
I am downright disgusted with myself and the way I have turned out.
Counseling starts Tuesday but I'm scared that I won't be able to work out all that I need to in the time I have a counselor. Maybe light will be shed and it will show me that all of these things were my fault. Maybe it will prove to me that believing these guys had any control over their actions was futile and I deserve to be locked away.
My nausea is back full force and I've almost lost my stomach a few times today. I can't escape my life, especially in my dreams. I keep breaking down and sobbing because I feel as though I have no hope left in a future, let alone a happy future. Flashbacks are constant and no longer just intermittent. Nightmares are guaranteed every night once I finally fall asleep around 3-4 a.m. from exhaustion. But I was with panic attacks around 9-10 a.m.
My head hurts from the whiplash I give myself by believing everything was my fault and then knowing that I had no control over these guys. They had their talons in deep and made me believe I made them enter my body. That's what they've told me. I was told it was my fault because I didn't say "no" seriously enough. It doesn't matter that I repeatedly said it and tried to push them away.
I don't think I'll ever be able to sleep normally again. If I ever do get married, will sex even be enjoyable? Or will it be a source of too much pain that I push my husband away and avoid it all together?
Should I even hope that I find a husband? If I were a guy, I wouldn't want me. Especially if I were the guy that I wanted before I was ruined and I found a girl like how I am presently.
I am unworthy, broken, dirty, impure, unlovable, and completely damaged goods. Maybe this is the Adversary saying mean things to me, but it's believable.
Some days, I want to know what a jury would say. Would they say that I am making stories up so that I can hopefully clear my concience? Or would they understand that I am telling the truth and see that I never wanted any of this? Would they see the hours of being yelled at over the phone for not being willing to "try" sex because I was waiting for marriage, only to be fed drinks all night until I was unable to walk and puking? Would they say it was my fault because I wasn't smarter that night and I kept drinking? Would they believe him when he says I started it? Would they believe me that I had told him a million times I never wanted to, but then woke up next to him, completely naked, next to him in a hotel? Would they believe it was my fault? Is it my fault?
The dozens of times he came onto me after that and I said flat out "no" several times, but he still "went in", do those count in my favor or his? Were those my fault too? Does pushing him away but not being strong enough to actually be able to get him off of me count for him or me? Why does he believe all of these are my fault because he was "thinking with his penis"? Are they my fault?
Why was I allowed to be able to meet him? Why would the L-rd allow this to happen again? More than that, I don't believe it was G-d's fault, I believe I made so many foolish choices that this is all on me. I believe He cares for me and tries to protect me, but where was He all those nights? Was He watching when I tried my best to keep my pants on as these guys ripped them off? Or did He turn His head? I believe I was set apart for Him, but if I was, why was I not protected? Am I that bad that I was banished to be able to be used by any guy that just had a hankering to get his rocks off? Why is this supposed to be my fate? Why was I not allowed to die when I wanted to in the 8th grade? If I had been allowed to, I wouldn't have had to live through this. What did I do that this is justifiable punishment for my sins?
WHY ME??? What did I do?
I keep waking up with panic attacks because I feel like I have failed my future husband, G-d, and myself. I feel unlovable and ruined. The nightmares and flashbacks are becoming too much for me. I keep playing what has happened in the past year, over and over again in my head. I could have fought harder. I could have prevented so many problems by breaking up with these boys when I had originally wanted to, if only I had had the guts and the strength to do it. I am quite convinced that I have made too many mistakes to be able to have any kind of a future like the one that I wanted so badly.
I wanted a sweet guy, who waited for marriage before having sex. I don't deserve that anymore because I allowed my body to be used by guys other than my husband. I wanted to save my first kiss for my wedding day and I blew that on a guy who was 5 years older than me because I was feeling pressured and didn't stand up for myself the way I needed to. Granted, I have learned a lot, but at a steep price.
I have lost the little sanity I was born with, and I feel as though I've been trampled.
I keep going back and forth between wondering if what happened to me was my fault, or if I did all I needed to and was able to at the time, to protect myself and my purity.
I am downright disgusted with myself and the way I have turned out.
Counseling starts Tuesday but I'm scared that I won't be able to work out all that I need to in the time I have a counselor. Maybe light will be shed and it will show me that all of these things were my fault. Maybe it will prove to me that believing these guys had any control over their actions was futile and I deserve to be locked away.
My nausea is back full force and I've almost lost my stomach a few times today. I can't escape my life, especially in my dreams. I keep breaking down and sobbing because I feel as though I have no hope left in a future, let alone a happy future. Flashbacks are constant and no longer just intermittent. Nightmares are guaranteed every night once I finally fall asleep around 3-4 a.m. from exhaustion. But I was with panic attacks around 9-10 a.m.
My head hurts from the whiplash I give myself by believing everything was my fault and then knowing that I had no control over these guys. They had their talons in deep and made me believe I made them enter my body. That's what they've told me. I was told it was my fault because I didn't say "no" seriously enough. It doesn't matter that I repeatedly said it and tried to push them away.
I don't think I'll ever be able to sleep normally again. If I ever do get married, will sex even be enjoyable? Or will it be a source of too much pain that I push my husband away and avoid it all together?
Should I even hope that I find a husband? If I were a guy, I wouldn't want me. Especially if I were the guy that I wanted before I was ruined and I found a girl like how I am presently.
I am unworthy, broken, dirty, impure, unlovable, and completely damaged goods. Maybe this is the Adversary saying mean things to me, but it's believable.
Some days, I want to know what a jury would say. Would they say that I am making stories up so that I can hopefully clear my concience? Or would they understand that I am telling the truth and see that I never wanted any of this? Would they see the hours of being yelled at over the phone for not being willing to "try" sex because I was waiting for marriage, only to be fed drinks all night until I was unable to walk and puking? Would they say it was my fault because I wasn't smarter that night and I kept drinking? Would they believe him when he says I started it? Would they believe me that I had told him a million times I never wanted to, but then woke up next to him, completely naked, next to him in a hotel? Would they believe it was my fault? Is it my fault?
The dozens of times he came onto me after that and I said flat out "no" several times, but he still "went in", do those count in my favor or his? Were those my fault too? Does pushing him away but not being strong enough to actually be able to get him off of me count for him or me? Why does he believe all of these are my fault because he was "thinking with his penis"? Are they my fault?
Why was I allowed to be able to meet him? Why would the L-rd allow this to happen again? More than that, I don't believe it was G-d's fault, I believe I made so many foolish choices that this is all on me. I believe He cares for me and tries to protect me, but where was He all those nights? Was He watching when I tried my best to keep my pants on as these guys ripped them off? Or did He turn His head? I believe I was set apart for Him, but if I was, why was I not protected? Am I that bad that I was banished to be able to be used by any guy that just had a hankering to get his rocks off? Why is this supposed to be my fate? Why was I not allowed to die when I wanted to in the 8th grade? If I had been allowed to, I wouldn't have had to live through this. What did I do that this is justifiable punishment for my sins?
WHY ME??? What did I do?
Saturday, January 16, 2016
Loneliness Ensues
Exfiance and I had been talking since the breakup a few weeks ago. I ended that last night. Well, I called him to see if he would go to some places that brought back a lot of flashbacks. Desensitization therapy, kinda. He said he would so I met him at the first place. He didn't want to go in right away, he wanted to talk for awhile. So, I got in his truck an we talked. It's been the same thing over and over since the breakup. He says he misses me and wants to fix us. I tell him it's too late. He says it's not. Blah, blah, blah. We have this conversation almost every day.
Last night, we went to two of my hundreds of bad places and spent nearly 4 hours in his truck talking and maybe 10 minutes in one store. Then we started talking in front of the other one but never went in. He finally yelled at me. I was waiting for it because he has yelled at me for everything we've ever "discussed" in the course of our relationship. He says it's my dad's fault that we broke up and that I broke up with him out of no where. On my end, I agree that my dad not approving the engagement was what finally tipped me over the edge, but that's not what put the final nail in the coffin. I have been explaining to exfiance that he needed to treat me better, put down his phone when I'm out with him, talk to me, open up about stuff, tell me the truth about stuff, stop lying to me, stop putting me down every chance he gets, stop making fun of me to his friends (WHILE I'M THERE!), and just being a decent person to me in general. FROM THE VERY BEGINNING! I have given him so many chances. He kept telling me he would change and try to be good to me but that was just to get me to be back in a relationship with him. Then he would go right back to being mean to me.
I finally told him that last night. I don't know where the strength came from, but after two places and him yelling at me for about 4 hours and continually trying to kiss me, I had had enough. I flat out told him that I was done. I told him that I had been trying to be friends with him, but he was always pushing the relationship. He didn't respect me enough to stop trying to kiss me when we were no longer going out, he wouldn't stop grabbing my butt, he wouldn't stop doing the things that angered me in the relationship even though he says he's changed and he's totally different now. Bullshit. He started selling himself to me saying "let's just try it for a month, or to the end of this month, or for 3 days. Give me 3 days and I'll show you I'm different. Give me 24 hours, or 12 hours!" He just kept talking and talking the way he does when he is selling (hussling) people in the mall at the kiosk he now works at.
I told him that I tried the friend thing, but maybe we should just stop talking cold turkey. He started using his same manipulative tactics that I now recognize from the other times I've tried to leave. This time, however, I saw through it all. I see that he wants me but he doesn't see my value. He wants to put me in a box and he wants me to do whatever he wants. He thinks I'll cower and let him control me.
He drove off pissed off beyond belief last night. His go-to emotion has always been anger and it used to make me feel bad. Now, I say what I mean. No more beating around the bush, saying stuff "nice" so that he won't blow up. Nope, I laid it all out, very few words, and I let him be angry with me. I showed no emotion and had none to really show anyway. I felt so strong and freed at the end of that when he was driving away and I was getting in my car. I apologized for calling him into town for such a stupid reason, and I told him that we were no more. I had given him some books that I used when I was trying to get our relationship to work and I asked for them all back. He kept one saying it would be an excuse to come and see me again. He can have it because it was probably $3 and I'll just get another one if I even think I want to read it again.
I'm done.
I've learned a lot though! I've seen firsthand accounts of a manipulative relationship. I've learned that if my family doesn't like him then that's a red flag. However, they liked exboyfriend and we all know how that ended. If someone has a lot of dramatic stories, that is a red flag. When someone wants to isolate you and tells you to tell your friends and family to fuck off if they don't like the relationship, that's a huge problem. Unfortunately, I've learned that not everyone is as truthful as I try to be. Many people do bad things and rationalize it to themselves that the other person made them do it. That's not healthy. I've learned that I am stronger than I believed I was. I don't deserve manipulative relationships. I don't deserve being forced into a physical relationship and guys worth while won't force physical stuff on you. They will wait and respect what you want. I've also learned that many friendships aren't as deep as I thought they were. Many people can't handle the stuff I have to live through because of my poor choices. I have learned that when I cannot handle things, I need to be able to go to a trusted person so that they can provide outside advice on the situation. If it is bad from their point of view, then maybe I'm not being crazy and something is actually wrong. I've also learned that I am able to handle this stuff on my own, with the help of the L-rd because people cannot handle my baggage.
Do you guys remember best friend from when I first started blogging? We had a crush on each other and I was nervous about him asking me out. We went out for about 3 weeks, where I completely avoided him that whole time, and then I broke up with him. He started texting me a couple months ago. Lately, I told him what had happened with exboyfriend and exfiance. He is being so sweet and supportive, like a friend should. He has a girlfriend and I don't want to take him from her, but I forgot how much I missed him. He gives me hope that there is a decent guy out there for me. He was always respectful of my boundaries and always just wanted to talk and get to know me deeper. He didn't rush the physical stuff. He was my friend first for several years before he tried to get anywhere else with me. Even then, he was my friend first and boyfriend second. I miss him so terribly but I am so glad the the L-rd has brought him back as my friend. I pray that I find a guy like him again. Those guys usually get married really quick, though, because girls come and snatch them up really quick.
Oh well, here's to hoping the L-rd has someone with a lot of grace, kindness, goodness, respect, love, forgiveness, and understanding. Someone who can handle all my crazy and love me for my heart.
Why did I not wait for a guy like that? Why did I settle twice and land myself in a ditch?
Last night, we went to two of my hundreds of bad places and spent nearly 4 hours in his truck talking and maybe 10 minutes in one store. Then we started talking in front of the other one but never went in. He finally yelled at me. I was waiting for it because he has yelled at me for everything we've ever "discussed" in the course of our relationship. He says it's my dad's fault that we broke up and that I broke up with him out of no where. On my end, I agree that my dad not approving the engagement was what finally tipped me over the edge, but that's not what put the final nail in the coffin. I have been explaining to exfiance that he needed to treat me better, put down his phone when I'm out with him, talk to me, open up about stuff, tell me the truth about stuff, stop lying to me, stop putting me down every chance he gets, stop making fun of me to his friends (WHILE I'M THERE!), and just being a decent person to me in general. FROM THE VERY BEGINNING! I have given him so many chances. He kept telling me he would change and try to be good to me but that was just to get me to be back in a relationship with him. Then he would go right back to being mean to me.
I finally told him that last night. I don't know where the strength came from, but after two places and him yelling at me for about 4 hours and continually trying to kiss me, I had had enough. I flat out told him that I was done. I told him that I had been trying to be friends with him, but he was always pushing the relationship. He didn't respect me enough to stop trying to kiss me when we were no longer going out, he wouldn't stop grabbing my butt, he wouldn't stop doing the things that angered me in the relationship even though he says he's changed and he's totally different now. Bullshit. He started selling himself to me saying "let's just try it for a month, or to the end of this month, or for 3 days. Give me 3 days and I'll show you I'm different. Give me 24 hours, or 12 hours!" He just kept talking and talking the way he does when he is selling (hussling) people in the mall at the kiosk he now works at.
I told him that I tried the friend thing, but maybe we should just stop talking cold turkey. He started using his same manipulative tactics that I now recognize from the other times I've tried to leave. This time, however, I saw through it all. I see that he wants me but he doesn't see my value. He wants to put me in a box and he wants me to do whatever he wants. He thinks I'll cower and let him control me.
He drove off pissed off beyond belief last night. His go-to emotion has always been anger and it used to make me feel bad. Now, I say what I mean. No more beating around the bush, saying stuff "nice" so that he won't blow up. Nope, I laid it all out, very few words, and I let him be angry with me. I showed no emotion and had none to really show anyway. I felt so strong and freed at the end of that when he was driving away and I was getting in my car. I apologized for calling him into town for such a stupid reason, and I told him that we were no more. I had given him some books that I used when I was trying to get our relationship to work and I asked for them all back. He kept one saying it would be an excuse to come and see me again. He can have it because it was probably $3 and I'll just get another one if I even think I want to read it again.
I'm done.
I've learned a lot though! I've seen firsthand accounts of a manipulative relationship. I've learned that if my family doesn't like him then that's a red flag. However, they liked exboyfriend and we all know how that ended. If someone has a lot of dramatic stories, that is a red flag. When someone wants to isolate you and tells you to tell your friends and family to fuck off if they don't like the relationship, that's a huge problem. Unfortunately, I've learned that not everyone is as truthful as I try to be. Many people do bad things and rationalize it to themselves that the other person made them do it. That's not healthy. I've learned that I am stronger than I believed I was. I don't deserve manipulative relationships. I don't deserve being forced into a physical relationship and guys worth while won't force physical stuff on you. They will wait and respect what you want. I've also learned that many friendships aren't as deep as I thought they were. Many people can't handle the stuff I have to live through because of my poor choices. I have learned that when I cannot handle things, I need to be able to go to a trusted person so that they can provide outside advice on the situation. If it is bad from their point of view, then maybe I'm not being crazy and something is actually wrong. I've also learned that I am able to handle this stuff on my own, with the help of the L-rd because people cannot handle my baggage.
Do you guys remember best friend from when I first started blogging? We had a crush on each other and I was nervous about him asking me out. We went out for about 3 weeks, where I completely avoided him that whole time, and then I broke up with him. He started texting me a couple months ago. Lately, I told him what had happened with exboyfriend and exfiance. He is being so sweet and supportive, like a friend should. He has a girlfriend and I don't want to take him from her, but I forgot how much I missed him. He gives me hope that there is a decent guy out there for me. He was always respectful of my boundaries and always just wanted to talk and get to know me deeper. He didn't rush the physical stuff. He was my friend first for several years before he tried to get anywhere else with me. Even then, he was my friend first and boyfriend second. I miss him so terribly but I am so glad the the L-rd has brought him back as my friend. I pray that I find a guy like him again. Those guys usually get married really quick, though, because girls come and snatch them up really quick.
Oh well, here's to hoping the L-rd has someone with a lot of grace, kindness, goodness, respect, love, forgiveness, and understanding. Someone who can handle all my crazy and love me for my heart.
Why did I not wait for a guy like that? Why did I settle twice and land myself in a ditch?
Friday, November 6, 2015
It Was Supposed to Get Better
They said
it would go away. They said that, with time, the memory would grow fainter, the
nightmares would come way less frequently, and the flashbacks would cease. THEY lied. It’s been 6 months, I still
get nightmares, the memory still jumps into my head several times a day, and
the flashbacks occur multiple times a day and seem to be getting worse.
Also, talking with a person who was
raped over 11 years ago, it doesn’t go away. The nightmares creep back into
your nights so your relief from the memories you get bombarded with is no
longer able to help you. The sensitivity to dirty jokes, certain movie scenes,
and general situational depression turned chronic does not stop. None of these
things go away.
A family member of mine was gang
raped as a young child. After 4.5 decades, she still has nightmares and
problems with it.
This nonsense will never go away.
Why do victims get false hope
instilled by the professionals in charge of helping them through it and after
it? Now, I don’t think it is on purpose, but it sucks having the hope that we will
survive and potentially “get better” when in all reality, we will deal with
this for the rest of our lives.
Monday, September 21, 2015
The Break
In lieu of LOTS of recent fights with the fiance, I suggested a break. I learned a couple of things today: 1) many of us, including myself, do not believe in breaks (I knew this before but right now, I feel it is appropriate) 2) there are great misunderstandings between genders as to what a "break" in a relationship is.
Do you guys watch Friends? I hope you do, it's a delightful show. Anyway, Ross and Rachel start dating and they start having a lot of problems. Rachel decides she needs a break. To her, this means they simply do not talk for awhile. For Ross, a break means that the relationship is on pause but it is like a break-up so he can now go see/sleep with other people. And so he does... and then Rachel is devastated and hurt and angry. This whole fiasco is simply because of the differences in understanding between genders.
To me, a break is where the relationship is still intact, but the couple is simply not talking to each other for a time so that they can hopefully both do some thinking and reevaluating. To fiance, a break means that we are broken up. I cleared the air and explained what I was actually wanting in addition to calling it a break but he got all sorts of upset and angry because he thought I was breaking up with him (for the third time). Now, I get why he would be hurt, especially with it being the third time, but I feel like I was clear when I told him what I was expecting a break to be and what I needed from this time. After the air was clear and he was understanding that we are simply not talking for a few days/weeks we hung up the phone and that was that.
Not even 5 hours later, and as I was writing this post in rage, he called. The terms of the break was that I would call him when I have thought about my stuff and after I was ready to talk to him whenever that happened to be in the next few weeks. He called and told me he couldn't live without me. It's going to take some time for him to prove that to me because I am tired of not being treated right. However, I move forward with cautious optimism. I pray that our relationship works, but I know that I am strong and self-sufficient and I do not need a man. They are a blessing, and we learn a lot by being tied to another human being in such a way as marriage, but being single has it's blessings too.
Interesting turn of events, I really wasn't expecting any of that. I was literally just about to start on the last paragraph (starting with: "not even 5 hours later"; but it wasn't going to be written to start out that way...) and he called.
Y'all, please pray for me and pray for fiance. We need tender hearts to be able to serve each other and listen to the L-rd. We both need the L-rd, desperately.
Meanwhile, I could desperately use a break from school. I am beyond stressed out, my days are running together, and I have so many assignments due all the time! I ended up dropping my sexual assault class because I was getting nightmares and flashbacks. Needless to say, the Professor and Dean approved the dropping of the course. So, I now have more time!
New Roommate is so absolutely supportive. She listened to me rant and rave and be sad and depressed and angry and everything for about 2-3 hours today. She just sits there and listens and encourages me. She knows everything that has happened, watches me when I can't leave my bed for days on end, and she still has such a tender spot to try to help me through all of this by allowing me to ask her for what I need her to do. Oftentimes, I simply ask her to listen. Sometimes I ask her for advice and she helps to "nurse" me back to being semi-mentally healthy by helping me find ways to stay busy, encouraging me to spend time out of the house doing activities I enjoy, making sure I am eating and she even assessed my self-harm ideation status because she knows I've had a rough past, even though she didn't know how rough until she asked if I had ever had those thoughts. I am almost certain she has no idea I have tried to kill myself on several occasions back in 8th grade. Guys, she is so sweet and tender and I don't want to ruin her with my cynicism and anger at the world and at life. However, I am so beyond grateful for the way G-d has allowed her and I to meet each others needs when we both needed roommates and how we've been able to pour into each others lives with the love and G-dly advice only Believers can give to each other. Now, she is Catholic and I am Messianic Jewish, but we serve the same G-d and believe in the same Messiah. We are called to love each other and that is certainly what I plan to do because I absolutely adore her!
Do you guys watch Friends? I hope you do, it's a delightful show. Anyway, Ross and Rachel start dating and they start having a lot of problems. Rachel decides she needs a break. To her, this means they simply do not talk for awhile. For Ross, a break means that the relationship is on pause but it is like a break-up so he can now go see/sleep with other people. And so he does... and then Rachel is devastated and hurt and angry. This whole fiasco is simply because of the differences in understanding between genders.
To me, a break is where the relationship is still intact, but the couple is simply not talking to each other for a time so that they can hopefully both do some thinking and reevaluating. To fiance, a break means that we are broken up. I cleared the air and explained what I was actually wanting in addition to calling it a break but he got all sorts of upset and angry because he thought I was breaking up with him (for the third time). Now, I get why he would be hurt, especially with it being the third time, but I feel like I was clear when I told him what I was expecting a break to be and what I needed from this time. After the air was clear and he was understanding that we are simply not talking for a few days/weeks we hung up the phone and that was that.
Not even 5 hours later, and as I was writing this post in rage, he called. The terms of the break was that I would call him when I have thought about my stuff and after I was ready to talk to him whenever that happened to be in the next few weeks. He called and told me he couldn't live without me. It's going to take some time for him to prove that to me because I am tired of not being treated right. However, I move forward with cautious optimism. I pray that our relationship works, but I know that I am strong and self-sufficient and I do not need a man. They are a blessing, and we learn a lot by being tied to another human being in such a way as marriage, but being single has it's blessings too.
Interesting turn of events, I really wasn't expecting any of that. I was literally just about to start on the last paragraph (starting with: "not even 5 hours later"; but it wasn't going to be written to start out that way...) and he called.
Y'all, please pray for me and pray for fiance. We need tender hearts to be able to serve each other and listen to the L-rd. We both need the L-rd, desperately.
Meanwhile, I could desperately use a break from school. I am beyond stressed out, my days are running together, and I have so many assignments due all the time! I ended up dropping my sexual assault class because I was getting nightmares and flashbacks. Needless to say, the Professor and Dean approved the dropping of the course. So, I now have more time!
New Roommate is so absolutely supportive. She listened to me rant and rave and be sad and depressed and angry and everything for about 2-3 hours today. She just sits there and listens and encourages me. She knows everything that has happened, watches me when I can't leave my bed for days on end, and she still has such a tender spot to try to help me through all of this by allowing me to ask her for what I need her to do. Oftentimes, I simply ask her to listen. Sometimes I ask her for advice and she helps to "nurse" me back to being semi-mentally healthy by helping me find ways to stay busy, encouraging me to spend time out of the house doing activities I enjoy, making sure I am eating and she even assessed my self-harm ideation status because she knows I've had a rough past, even though she didn't know how rough until she asked if I had ever had those thoughts. I am almost certain she has no idea I have tried to kill myself on several occasions back in 8th grade. Guys, she is so sweet and tender and I don't want to ruin her with my cynicism and anger at the world and at life. However, I am so beyond grateful for the way G-d has allowed her and I to meet each others needs when we both needed roommates and how we've been able to pour into each others lives with the love and G-dly advice only Believers can give to each other. Now, she is Catholic and I am Messianic Jewish, but we serve the same G-d and believe in the same Messiah. We are called to love each other and that is certainly what I plan to do because I absolutely adore her!
Sunday, June 21, 2015
And the Plot Thickens
For about two months now, I have been barely surviving. Mid April I was sexually assaulted/raped by my first ever "real" boyfriend. School and life went on while I felt I was stuck. I still feel stuck and like I'm just going through the motions.
About a month ago I met a new boy who I thought was great. Things are turning with him...
About two weeks ago I got a breakup sounding text with an ultimatum from Roommate telling me that she "couldn't live like this". She was talking about me. When I asked her what was going on and we talked it all out, turns out she's been making a lot of assumptions about what I was doing. Her mom called me and chewed me out for about 12 minutes. Then Roommate and I talked the next day. Stories are not adding up and the mom said really hurtful things. Keep in mind, Roommate's mom is the one who introduced me to Rapist and now she is mad at me for the time I was in a relationship with me. Does that make any sense? NO! They are getting mad at me for not changing and fixing my behavior for the past five months but they haven't been telling me anything until one time so how I was supposed to know I was doing anything wrong? Plus, they say I've changed. I have changed, rape does that to a person. I am also not taking nonesense from people anymore. I'm sick of getting walked all over and being expected to just take it. I was playing wife to Roommate (cooking her dinner, doing little errands for her, helping with family projects like gutting a basement, etc.). So yes, I've changed because she wasn't returning the favor. How was I supposed to know that was something I'd get yelled at because she expected me to be a spouse while getting nothing in return. WE'RE NOT MARRIED! We were roommates who's goal was to split living expenses so we can hopefully survive college. The relationship was not supposed to be a one-way street of me bending over backwards when I have my own life that I need to deal with. She's mad about me not making dinner? I'm mad about not being respected and having to answer to her for everything I do while she can do what she wants whenever she wants. Long story short, after the text, she stopped texting for about a week while I was with Mema shadowing in the NICU again. I scrambled to find a new roommate because the original one obviously didn't want to live with me anymore. When I got back, that's when Roommate's mom called me to see what was going on because Roommate wasn't answering any of the serious texts I was texting her even though they were all apologies and wondering what was going wrong. When I told the mom that I had found another roommate she got all angry and started yelling at me because now she was going to have to pay the other half of her daughter's bills. Well lady, you don't really have to. Plus, she's the one who decided she didn't want to live with me, I offered but she wants to live alone. I just took it though. I'm learning to be an adult and it sucks because some adults don't even know how to adult.
Wednesday I got in my first car accident after a really, really rough night at work. Dad yelled at me when he found out when I was hoping for just a little support or even a "are you okay". So, I may or may not have back-sassed him just a little bit in hopes that I was standing up for myself. I think I was. New Boyfriend drove 2 hours to come up to where I crashed so that he could tow my car to my dad's mechanic shop. Next day I went to a super sketchy part of town and pulled the parts of a wrecked version of my car all by myself. Now there were lots of miracles in this whole ordeal. The car I hit was not damaged and the guy was so sweet about everything (he was probably a dad/grandpa). My car had minimal damage, it looked bad, but I was able to help my dad and we fixed it with the help of his body work friend. The car I found at a scrap yard to pull parts from was the exact same color and car as my own and it was even in better condition. Not only that, but it had shown up the day before so I was almost the first one to get parts from it. Praise the L-rd! There's no way His hand is not on this, guiding me through, even though I messed up. I didn't even cry at the crash, nor did I feel I needed to. I worked my way through all my problems and the car is nearly back to working order we just have to finish putting the radiator in it and I'll be able to drive it again.
Friday I went to the local amusement park with New Boyfriend and a couple of his friends (Boyfriend from now on, previous Boyfriend will now be referred to as ExBF). When he got to the door to pick me up, he asked me to change because he didn't like that I was wearing my long boy's shorts as a swim suit. I told him he could go alone if he didn't want me wearing that because I wasn't going to change. He said no, let's go, so we did. At the park we left most valuables in the car and took my backpack with just a few things in it. I almost brought my wallet but they told me to leave it in the car. I accidentally packed my phone. After a few water rides, we went back to where we had left the backpack and they got their cigarettes. I don't smoke, but they do. We did one more ride and weren't gone for more than 30 minutes but the backpack was gone when we got back. It was in a heavy traffic area with a bunch of other backpacks around so I don't know why/how they targeted mine. We went to lost and found, nothing. I realized after a couple hours that my phone was in there and not in the car. That is bumming me out the most. I had a couple pictures of myself after my SANE (rape) exam because my nurse was so sweet and had given me a snoopy band-aid that made me feel a little better. Silly, I know. But that picture was a symbol of strength for me because I sought help after a really traumatic event. I also had some other pictures on there that I wanted because they were of my crunched car from two days before, a couple of my boyfriend that I liked, and just other pictures. Plus, I feel violated all over again because someone has access to all of that info. I mean, they probably wiped the phone without looking through it, but come on! Do I really need more stuff going wrong in my life? Even after the backpack was stolen and I was grumpy, I pushed that aside so the others could hopefully have fun. They were upset too because they had their military ID's in it and some cash. But boyfriend and I had a couple fights. He texted me yesterday once I got a my old phone working with my same number (because the stolen phone was only a couple months old) and he told me sorry. I just don't understand why he does not nice things and then apologizes for it the next day but when he notices I'm mad the day he makes me angry, he acts like I'm being dramatic. I'm done hiding my feelings and my hurt. I tell him straight out that he's being mean. I feel like such a girl for getting mad at him, I've never been like this, but I'm sick of being a doormat and someone that others can yell at and still expect me to take it with a smile and then do whatever they want to do. I'm not Burger King, you can't have it your way with me. Yes, I will compromise and talk things through, but I'm not compromising my beliefs or myself anymore.
To top it all off, both parents come to me with their marriage problems. They always have. I don't know how I became the family therapist, but it's been like this since I was about 5-6. Except then, the marriage was much happier. Now, they are both talking about how they don't know how they can stay together. That's fine, if they want to live on their own, that's ok. I'm an adult, that isn't going to cause me great harm like it would have when I was a kid. Plus, I've seen them both very unhappy for a very long time. However, when they make personal attacks on the other one, I can get mad at mom and tell her to fix it. She will apologize and move on. Dad, not so much. I hate personal attacks.
Life would be hard enough dealing with a breakup, but it's not just a breakup. My world is crumbling down around me, my relationships are burning without me knowing how or why, events in my life keep making me question whether I can survive anymore. Yesterday I lost it. My mom and I had just gone to get my old phone reactivated and I broke after weeks and weeks of just plugging along. I vented to her about ExBF, Boyfriend, ex-Roommate, the wreck, the theft, my phone, the fight with dad, their marriage problems, and probably some other stuff that I can't remember right now. I just wanted a simple life. I just wanted to graduate, wait to kiss a boy until my wedding day, maybe have a few kids if the L-rd allowed me to get married to a simple and sweet man, and have minimal drama. Well, that is not the outcome of my life. I've had more drama than I can deal with in a lifetime all packed into about two month's time and there is more in my past that I still have to deal with.
My flashbacks had gone away, I thought I was doing better. Nope. Flashbacks have come back and they are even about Country Boy, not just ExBF now.
I don't know how to live anymore. I would never do anything to end my own life, but I'm ready to never leave my bed again. I don't want to go out, I don't want to put on this fake smile, I don't want the memories/the hurt/the pain anymore. I don't trust anyone anymore. I'm so over everything. G-d remains constant in my life and I know I've fallen away from Him. I'm not outside His reach, in fact, I'm still in His hands, but how do I go on? Breathing is hard, I don't have the energy to do anything, I'm not hungry anymore, and I have little will to do anything. I don't think life should be this hard and yet I know others are going through more and they still find joy and happiness in the midst of their terrible circumstances. So why then, can I not handle these little things?
About a month ago I met a new boy who I thought was great. Things are turning with him...
About two weeks ago I got a breakup sounding text with an ultimatum from Roommate telling me that she "couldn't live like this". She was talking about me. When I asked her what was going on and we talked it all out, turns out she's been making a lot of assumptions about what I was doing. Her mom called me and chewed me out for about 12 minutes. Then Roommate and I talked the next day. Stories are not adding up and the mom said really hurtful things. Keep in mind, Roommate's mom is the one who introduced me to Rapist and now she is mad at me for the time I was in a relationship with me. Does that make any sense? NO! They are getting mad at me for not changing and fixing my behavior for the past five months but they haven't been telling me anything until one time so how I was supposed to know I was doing anything wrong? Plus, they say I've changed. I have changed, rape does that to a person. I am also not taking nonesense from people anymore. I'm sick of getting walked all over and being expected to just take it. I was playing wife to Roommate (cooking her dinner, doing little errands for her, helping with family projects like gutting a basement, etc.). So yes, I've changed because she wasn't returning the favor. How was I supposed to know that was something I'd get yelled at because she expected me to be a spouse while getting nothing in return. WE'RE NOT MARRIED! We were roommates who's goal was to split living expenses so we can hopefully survive college. The relationship was not supposed to be a one-way street of me bending over backwards when I have my own life that I need to deal with. She's mad about me not making dinner? I'm mad about not being respected and having to answer to her for everything I do while she can do what she wants whenever she wants. Long story short, after the text, she stopped texting for about a week while I was with Mema shadowing in the NICU again. I scrambled to find a new roommate because the original one obviously didn't want to live with me anymore. When I got back, that's when Roommate's mom called me to see what was going on because Roommate wasn't answering any of the serious texts I was texting her even though they were all apologies and wondering what was going wrong. When I told the mom that I had found another roommate she got all angry and started yelling at me because now she was going to have to pay the other half of her daughter's bills. Well lady, you don't really have to. Plus, she's the one who decided she didn't want to live with me, I offered but she wants to live alone. I just took it though. I'm learning to be an adult and it sucks because some adults don't even know how to adult.
Wednesday I got in my first car accident after a really, really rough night at work. Dad yelled at me when he found out when I was hoping for just a little support or even a "are you okay". So, I may or may not have back-sassed him just a little bit in hopes that I was standing up for myself. I think I was. New Boyfriend drove 2 hours to come up to where I crashed so that he could tow my car to my dad's mechanic shop. Next day I went to a super sketchy part of town and pulled the parts of a wrecked version of my car all by myself. Now there were lots of miracles in this whole ordeal. The car I hit was not damaged and the guy was so sweet about everything (he was probably a dad/grandpa). My car had minimal damage, it looked bad, but I was able to help my dad and we fixed it with the help of his body work friend. The car I found at a scrap yard to pull parts from was the exact same color and car as my own and it was even in better condition. Not only that, but it had shown up the day before so I was almost the first one to get parts from it. Praise the L-rd! There's no way His hand is not on this, guiding me through, even though I messed up. I didn't even cry at the crash, nor did I feel I needed to. I worked my way through all my problems and the car is nearly back to working order we just have to finish putting the radiator in it and I'll be able to drive it again.
Friday I went to the local amusement park with New Boyfriend and a couple of his friends (Boyfriend from now on, previous Boyfriend will now be referred to as ExBF). When he got to the door to pick me up, he asked me to change because he didn't like that I was wearing my long boy's shorts as a swim suit. I told him he could go alone if he didn't want me wearing that because I wasn't going to change. He said no, let's go, so we did. At the park we left most valuables in the car and took my backpack with just a few things in it. I almost brought my wallet but they told me to leave it in the car. I accidentally packed my phone. After a few water rides, we went back to where we had left the backpack and they got their cigarettes. I don't smoke, but they do. We did one more ride and weren't gone for more than 30 minutes but the backpack was gone when we got back. It was in a heavy traffic area with a bunch of other backpacks around so I don't know why/how they targeted mine. We went to lost and found, nothing. I realized after a couple hours that my phone was in there and not in the car. That is bumming me out the most. I had a couple pictures of myself after my SANE (rape) exam because my nurse was so sweet and had given me a snoopy band-aid that made me feel a little better. Silly, I know. But that picture was a symbol of strength for me because I sought help after a really traumatic event. I also had some other pictures on there that I wanted because they were of my crunched car from two days before, a couple of my boyfriend that I liked, and just other pictures. Plus, I feel violated all over again because someone has access to all of that info. I mean, they probably wiped the phone without looking through it, but come on! Do I really need more stuff going wrong in my life? Even after the backpack was stolen and I was grumpy, I pushed that aside so the others could hopefully have fun. They were upset too because they had their military ID's in it and some cash. But boyfriend and I had a couple fights. He texted me yesterday once I got a my old phone working with my same number (because the stolen phone was only a couple months old) and he told me sorry. I just don't understand why he does not nice things and then apologizes for it the next day but when he notices I'm mad the day he makes me angry, he acts like I'm being dramatic. I'm done hiding my feelings and my hurt. I tell him straight out that he's being mean. I feel like such a girl for getting mad at him, I've never been like this, but I'm sick of being a doormat and someone that others can yell at and still expect me to take it with a smile and then do whatever they want to do. I'm not Burger King, you can't have it your way with me. Yes, I will compromise and talk things through, but I'm not compromising my beliefs or myself anymore.
To top it all off, both parents come to me with their marriage problems. They always have. I don't know how I became the family therapist, but it's been like this since I was about 5-6. Except then, the marriage was much happier. Now, they are both talking about how they don't know how they can stay together. That's fine, if they want to live on their own, that's ok. I'm an adult, that isn't going to cause me great harm like it would have when I was a kid. Plus, I've seen them both very unhappy for a very long time. However, when they make personal attacks on the other one, I can get mad at mom and tell her to fix it. She will apologize and move on. Dad, not so much. I hate personal attacks.
Life would be hard enough dealing with a breakup, but it's not just a breakup. My world is crumbling down around me, my relationships are burning without me knowing how or why, events in my life keep making me question whether I can survive anymore. Yesterday I lost it. My mom and I had just gone to get my old phone reactivated and I broke after weeks and weeks of just plugging along. I vented to her about ExBF, Boyfriend, ex-Roommate, the wreck, the theft, my phone, the fight with dad, their marriage problems, and probably some other stuff that I can't remember right now. I just wanted a simple life. I just wanted to graduate, wait to kiss a boy until my wedding day, maybe have a few kids if the L-rd allowed me to get married to a simple and sweet man, and have minimal drama. Well, that is not the outcome of my life. I've had more drama than I can deal with in a lifetime all packed into about two month's time and there is more in my past that I still have to deal with.
My flashbacks had gone away, I thought I was doing better. Nope. Flashbacks have come back and they are even about Country Boy, not just ExBF now.
I don't know how to live anymore. I would never do anything to end my own life, but I'm ready to never leave my bed again. I don't want to go out, I don't want to put on this fake smile, I don't want the memories/the hurt/the pain anymore. I don't trust anyone anymore. I'm so over everything. G-d remains constant in my life and I know I've fallen away from Him. I'm not outside His reach, in fact, I'm still in His hands, but how do I go on? Breathing is hard, I don't have the energy to do anything, I'm not hungry anymore, and I have little will to do anything. I don't think life should be this hard and yet I know others are going through more and they still find joy and happiness in the midst of their terrible circumstances. So why then, can I not handle these little things?
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Never Thought I Would Be Here
Since the break-up, SANE exam, and various other stressful events that have recently taken place in my life, I have been encouraged to start seeing a counselor. I went for the first day today and it was more of a "screening" to see what therapist that would fit my needs the best.
I was classified as a crisis.
Due to this, I have bypassed the wait list and will have at least 6 sessions before I am re-evaluated to determine if I need more intensive therapy or if I have been making enough progress.
I am now in therapy.
My nursing school also has drives for supplies, food, and toiletries for different organizations and causes. Recently, they started a drive for toiletries for the local sexual assault organization that I had been talking with for counseling and help through this whole process of the SANE exam and various other issues related to the assault.
I cannot escape this and the memories and flashbacks!
I opened up my Facebook today and was met with a video titled: "This Man Logged On To Facebook And His Rapist Appeared Under 'People You May Know'" Granted, I was already friends with EXboyfriend, but I cannot outrun this event that happened in my life.
For the past several days, I have spent my time coloring in children's coloring books and watching Veggie Tales. I spent $60 to buy all three seasons of Veggie Tales from Amazon... but that's beside the point.
Deep breath.
Deep breath.
Deep breath.
I was classified as a crisis.
Due to this, I have bypassed the wait list and will have at least 6 sessions before I am re-evaluated to determine if I need more intensive therapy or if I have been making enough progress.
I am now in therapy.
My nursing school also has drives for supplies, food, and toiletries for different organizations and causes. Recently, they started a drive for toiletries for the local sexual assault organization that I had been talking with for counseling and help through this whole process of the SANE exam and various other issues related to the assault.
I cannot escape this and the memories and flashbacks!
I opened up my Facebook today and was met with a video titled: "This Man Logged On To Facebook And His Rapist Appeared Under 'People You May Know'" Granted, I was already friends with EXboyfriend, but I cannot outrun this event that happened in my life.
For the past several days, I have spent my time coloring in children's coloring books and watching Veggie Tales. I spent $60 to buy all three seasons of Veggie Tales from Amazon... but that's beside the point.
Deep breath.
Deep breath.
Deep breath.
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