A Calling to What?

My recurring theme this past couple of weeks is that I'm called for something more. What is this something more? I have no clue.

Several times now, in many different contexts, and with people that do not know each other, comes the remembrance of Moses. People keep saying that Moses was called. He brought along Aaron (I can't spell Aaron without thinking of the "Substitute Teacher" video on YouTube.)

Anyway, these several people remind me that Moses was called out of nowhere. He was convinced he was not worthy of such a calling. He was convinced that he was ill-equipped and unsuitable to be able to carry out what G-d called him to do. There is also a possibility that he had some sort of problems speaking. It's always stuck out to me that he was given Aaron, because the scriptures say he had a speech impediment. Whether this was constant for him, or something that was aggravated by the stress of going in front of Pharaoh and mass amounts of people, I do not know. All I do know is that the Bible specifically mentions this "problem" he faced.

Here I am, not having had the privilege of speaking to G-d through a burning bush, but having countless people tell me that I am on the cusp of G-d doing something special through me. Even people I've never talked to or really ever met! I feel like G-d has me on the edge of something, but it's not clear to me yet what this new thing is.

I've been applying to volunteer at nearly every church and organization I can find in my nearby area. Nobody is emailing me back... at all... I can't even find a 20's/young singles group to attend because everyone is done for the summer. *facepalm*

Someday it'll make sense. Someday, everything will click into place and I'll get a better idea of what I'm supposed to be doing. Someday, I will be able to laugh at the impatience that I'm experiencing and go through on a semi-regular basis.

This season of waiting, praying, and wondering is not new. G-d suggests I do something, I begin praying for it and working towards what I think may be open doors... many of those doors do not open. Then, when I least expect it, a door opens and everything falls into place.

I do believe I have exhausted just about every obvious door and most of the "creatively found" doors... I'm not certain how much more I can try to apply to before something sticks and works out...

I'll keep y'all posted.

New Steps

Tonight I went to a friend's house. This sweet girl is a girl I work with. She is incredibly kind and friendly and everybody loves her.

I spent the night, just talking with her. Not talking of things of much consequence, and another friend from work stopped by, but I left feeling slightly more filled. I wonder how she does that. She knows she is able to build people up in the things she does and says, and I don't understand how it is that she is able to do such a thing, while being conscious of it, and still remaining humble. I like it. I'm a little jealous that it's not something that I really do, but I'm glad that she is able to do that for others.

I'm still working on figuring out the gifts G-d's given me. It might be closer to a mentoring role than me being charismatic and friends with everyone...

In related/unrelated news, this week in counseling I didn't cry. I normally do, to the point of it being concerning how much I cry. So, to walk out with a smile on my face, and to do more giggling than sniffing, was a great day.

My sweet counselor said some things that really made me start thinking. I had mentioned to her that I wanted to start mentoring middle school and high school aged girls. I also keep mentioning to her when I feel the L-rd is nudging me to share my story, or teach a bible study, or step back from a different bible study... and she prayerfully encourages me and we process what I think I'm being led to do, against what might be me trying to regress or avoid. She's wonderful and I am so grateful to have someone that is able to know my back story, who has faith to be able to guide me in things of faith, and all the while she is teaching me how to process life and G-d for when I might not be in counseling with her anymore.

So, I told her I felt like I wanted to mentor teens/young adults. Through the course of the conversation, she mentioned that she's thought about having me teach the Sexual Trauma Support Group (that I am presently in) with her, in the future. Now, I don't know if it will be a thing that ever actually works out, but I don't think that she's lying about that thought crossing her mind. My whole life I have believed that I have nothing to say, nothing to contribute. However, in the few times that I find myself contributing, people around me come back later (usually after knowing me for a few years) and they mention how quiet and reserved I am, but how deep and insightful my words tend to be.

I'm starting to believe them.

Who knows? Maybe one day I will teach a bible study. Maybe one day I will teach a kid's class, a middle/high school sermon, or perhaps even nursing students (eventually?). Perhaps, someday, I might have something worth saying to teach people. For right now, I am just working on walking beside them and sharing little snippets from my short 23 (almost 24) years on this earth.