Christian Lingo

If you know of anyone who goes to church, I'm sure you are familiar with the Christian Lingo. Church-goers say things about "forgiveness", "redemption", "mercy", "grace", a "broken past", "difficult seasons", etc, etc, etc.

Now, G-d does do all of these things! However, it's a pet peeve of mine, when I go to church or a bible study, and these are the only words out of the person's mouth but they don't go into any of the nitty gritty stuff. They don't tell you what G-d brought them through, or forgave them from, or how He showed them mercy and grace. 

Is the Bible not made up of hundreds of stories? G-d doesn't just say "forgiven, mercy, redeemed, forgiven, blah, blah, blah," over and over again. He gives us examples! He gives us stories! He lets us see what thing happened, how He worked, and what the results were.

In this way, He helps give us examples of how life worked out for others and He talks on most life issues.

Recently, I went to a bible study where our guest speaker talked for 45 minutes without saying a thing. She repeated "love" and "redeemed" and "broken past" and the other few words in the list above over and over for 45 minutes. We periodically listened to a podcast that had more of the same and listened to a couple songs that, you guessed it, repeated the same words.

I left frustrated.

In the car, at 9:30 p.m., I called my mom for a debriefing on the way home because I was confused. In the process of my drive home, she and I hashed it all and I realized that I had heard nothing. Nothing of this teachers life, no stories, no meat and potatoes, no information whatsoever. It was like going to a mall and getting suckers into one of those kiosks in the middle where the salesperson will talk to you with the same 6 words over and over for 45 minutes and you feel like you've lost weeks of your life. There was no learning, no help, no encouragement because there was no substance.

Growing up, I experienced this many times. I think it's a large reason why people stop going to church, stop going to Bible studies, and stop trying to learn about the L-rd. Yes, it's hard to fight past the crap to be able to get to actual information that can be any type of help and can bring excitement to the learner. However, if you work to get to the interesting stuff, and keep fighting for learning worth while things, it is so worth it! There is such blessing to be discovered!

And, for those of you that fight to get to the meat and potatoes of the Word and of G-d's teachings, share that learning with others!!! We don't have to leave the teaching to pastors, t.v. teachers, and random preachers. Anyone who is willing to learn can be willing to share with others. Obviously, make sure that you are sharing truths only, but you could be responsible for helping keep another person from letting their faith fade because they don't have the energy to wade through the crap.

Keep on my friends.

I'll keep you posted with what it is that I'm learning. So far I've filled up almost 1/3 of a notebook in less than a week. So far I'm studying women in the bible and it is shocking how many of them experienced abuse, trauma, suffering, and other heartaches. It's shocking to me that these types of stories are not shared!!! Especially in a time when the #metoo movement is so prevalent and girls/women/everyone are looking for support and love through their journey to healing after trauma.

Overwhelmed

As you have read over the past several months, I have been feeling this call for me to begin sharing my story. I feel like I am meant to share bits of my story, in order to hopefully either prevent others from walking the same road I've walked, or to help others who are healing by walking along side them and being able to connect with them in that way. There are countless other ways that stories can be used, like showing G-d's great power and redemption and love for us... etc.

During this time, after G-d whispered that He wanted me to begin to share, I began "researching" what it meant to share a story... personal story... Trying to get a handle on what it would mean to share my story. After weeks of torturing myself and over-thinking things (I mean, I never do that... Ha, that's a joke, I'm a pro over-thinker!), I kinda just coasted and stopped my intensive search for understanding on this matter. When I began to forget about this mission G-d gave me, that's when He began bringing the answers to me instead of me going to find them!

Side note: it is important to seek answers. When G-d gives you a mission, ask Him how He wants you to fulfill it! It seems so simple, right? He wants you to do something, of course He'll know how you need to go about doing things to accomplish the task at hand. Now, while this is true, He won't always show/tell you what/how to do things right away. There may be days, weeks, months, or even years of waiting. The seasons of waiting are important, wonderful, and incredibly difficult oftentimes. This is where the true growth comes from. If G-d just gave you the end result without the suffering (my word, not His) in the middle, then where would we have chances to increase our faith and trust? When would we get a chance to hear Him in the whisper or watch Him part the Red Sea? If there is no time or chance for Him to work in our lives, how will we learn to recognize His hand at work? It's all about the process, not just about the goal and end. In the waiting, continue to seek Him, to ask Him about what it is you're supposed to be doing, and LISTEN! You have to remain active and don't just expect a miracle without putting in some sort of leg work and showing a little bit of faith.

For me, with my story, it was in the least expected ways that He began to weave the theme of "story" throughout my life for several weeks. In the bible study I was in, suddenly the whole bible study began discussing the importance of sharing your story and what it can show about G-d and how it can help others. I began another bible study with some ladies and the book was solely stories of some amazing women that have walked difficult roads (Surprised by the Healer by Linda Dillow and Juli Slattery). The bible study focused on our stories. I did not continue on with the study, but I appreciate where they are coming from and trying to accomplish. My group therapy is all about our stories! We have stories within our bigger picture story and us being able to connect within all of these layers. I was getting bombarded with these things from all angles for weeks and weeks!!!


Through all of this, I have been incredibly blessed by some stories, and incredibly taken aback by others. There are times where I can feel so bonded with certain people over the bits of their story that they share. Whereas other stories can build up walls and cause friction between friends. It's a fine line learning to share enough in vulnerability and sharing as a means of a verbal dumping (*aka: verbal diarrhea*). On the one had, vulnerability shows a place of growth, the beginning of healing, and an earnest desire for the person to move forward from that dark place. In the verbal dumping, the person cannot stop sharing. They tend to share far too many details, cannot and will not accept encouragement of gentle counseling related to the stories they share. This type of sharing is best done with a counselor because it is a form of processing where your mind and heart are still trying to simply remember the details and the person sharing is not really able to move forward from that place yet. Sharing in this was does not benefit the sharer nor the person listening because there is no lesson to be learned (on the surface), there is no help to be rendered, and there is not a desire or willingness to move on from simply remembering what has happened.

While sharing, even in this verbal dumping phase (can also occur via writing, L-rd knows y'all have read my verbal dumpings several times!), is important on the road to healing, it is a dangerous place to be. This place is an area that can continue to cause further hurt to the sharer because of a lack of boundaries. Lack of boundaries to know who to share these things with and who to keep these things from. There is a danger in sharing with others because the other person can become severely impacted by what they learn! These things can cause a sort of secondary trauma to the listener, if the listener is not legitimately and professionally trained. Due to the disparities of why things are dangerous to different parties involved, huge walls can be built. The listener will begin to back away, clam up, and have a difficult time being around the sharer. The sharer, sensing this, can begin to internalize this imposed isolation as being their fault and they may believe they deserve to be isolated because of the things they've experienced (I'm not speaking from experience or anything...). This can begin a terrible cycle of self sabotage and isolation when community can be so very healing.

However, like I said before, it's all a process. Without the trial and error of sharing ith the wrong people, how are you going to be able to test boundaries and learn what is okay to share, when is the right time, and who deserves to hear certain aspects of your story (and go slowly with the sharing!!!). There is beauty in the process, and great things to be gained from the suffering of going through it. Don't cause suffering trying to bring about the process of healing and learning these things. I assure you, the process will take place all without you forcing anything. But go about it prayerfully, and while listening to the L-rd. You guys know, that's a process unto itself.



While I was processing all of these things about story sharing, learning safe was to share and what it looks like to verbally dump, and beginning to understand why we need healing to be a process, I had an interesting theme come up.

I just so happened to be on the receiving end of my friend's story. I was attempting to lovingly counsel her in a strictly friendly way, using my tiny little bit of nursing counseling skills with my ability to comfort. However, despite whatever I said, or did to encourage her, or how I responded, none of it was to any use. She didn't accept comfort. She didn't want to be encouraged to change her life. She did not want any counsel, G-dly or otherwise. She didn't want anything but a listening ear, and I think that was even optional. What she needed, was to simply talk. This was a classic example of a verbal dump. My offered help was shot down, and none too lightly. She asked for advice and input, but would promptly refuse it.

Throughout all of this encouragement, counseling, listening, and attempt to help her solve the problems she asked for advice for, she kept saying she keeps asking for a miracle. She says things like: if only G-d would perform a miracle (and she gave specific examples of what she wanted the miracle[s] to be), then her life would be better. If only things happened the way she required, without her changing her life choices or lifestyle at all, then she would be able to believe in G-d and her life would be able to be turned around. She wants community, but doesn't want to wake up a little early to go to church, or take time to go to a bible study, or do anything to go an find people to add to her social circle. She wants to be married to a wonderful man, who is pure and kind and patient and gracious, but she does not want to give up the dating culture she has cultivated for herself. She wants a marriage, convinced that marriage will solve all of her problems and make her happier than she ever imagined, but she refuses to make steps to make herself marry-able, upstanding, desirable for a man who would be willing to settle down, and she refuses to make any lifestyle changes whatsoever.

As frustrating as this sounds, do we not all do it? If only G-d kept me from sexual abuse, terrible boyfriends, and gave me the husband/life I wanted when I wanted it, then my life would be better. If only He would bring a miracle about, then I would be able to change my heart and my life will follow. If only this had happened, then life could get better and I would be happy and there would be no further problems in my life.

Lies!

We all know G-d could perform a miracle and drop a guy into your lap and this guy could treat you like a queen. He could be pure and kind and gracious and forgiving and absolutely wonderful beyond belief! However, if you have not worked with the L-rd to fix your life, then don't expect it to be solved because home-boy is now in the picture. If you have unhealthy coping skills that are causing major problems in your life (i.e. drinking to deal with stress and bad days, smoking, sleeping with guys to feel better when you're feeling down, etc.), these things will only pop back up when you face those problems when within the marriage. Don't think those problems won't come back to bite you and when that happens, you will be highly likely to be tempted by your previous "coping skills". When tempted, if it has not been addressed and worked through (even if only partially) before the miracle marriage takes place, then there is a very slim chance that the habit will just have been broken by a marriage. And, when such a "coping skill" is reverted back to within a marriage, how wil that effect your spouse? If you cope with feeling bad about yourself by sleeping with the next guy that you think is cute and that feeds you some lines about how adorable you are, how will that (sex with another guy) effect your spouse and your marriage? This problem will come up again and just being married will not fix it nor will it automatically cause you to depend on your spouse for full validation for that problem.

Do you guys see what I'm saying?

Now, this is all fine and dandy, but I felt like G-d was saying something more about this. I still demand miracles sometimes. How dumb am I? I can't demand G-d to do anything! He'll just laugh at me and do whatever it is that He wanted to do anyway. All in a loving way, of course.

Upon further prayer and much thought, especially when in the shower and driving, it occurred to me that most miracles occurred after some sort of step of faith. Ruth followed Naomi to Naomi's home country before she (Ruth) was given opportunities to get to know Boaz before they married. The Israelites walked to the Red Sea and just kept walking into it as G-d worked to part the waters. Likewise, those carrying the Ark of the Covenant walked into the river (Jordan River?) as G-d stopped up the river and allowed His people to cross over into Canaan. Esther went to the king, without a summoning by him, in a step of faith to protect her people from Haman, when she knew good and well that she could be walking to her death. How many countless other miracles requires some sort of step of faith?!? I could go on for days!!! Of course, there are always exceptions and situations where this is not seen, but it seems to be a pattern that some sort of faith needs to be shown so that faith can be stretched and grown!



I believe that me being here is a miracle. There are too many instances in my story where I could have died at the hands of others, or by circumstances I inflicted upon myself. L-rd knows I tried hard enough, several times, to simply be rid of the world. I could be stuck in anger and denial at what has happened to me, but G-d has shown me grace beyond measures and more love than ever imaginable. Because of this, He has allowed my story to continue on towards healing, instead of Hm allowing me to be stuck in the trauma. He brought me from dumping, to sharing and walking with others. That certainly does not happen for everyone. I want to continue to see the miracles He works in my life and I cannot wait to see all that He redeems in my story, so I will continue to walk in faith. Right now, this means potentially beginning a bible study and organizing women to come and walk alongside each other. I see miracles every day, and my faith grows with each of these instances.

I am blessed beyond measure.



With much love, continue on towards your miracles my friends,
BA

Meanings of Words

Growing up, most people get vocabulary lessons, word lists where you have to learn spellings nd definitions. Am I right? Am I the only one that ever got these?

Throughout childhood, you can learn words, the spellings (hopefully, but praise the L-rd for autocorrect and google!), and you can learn the dictionary's definitions of words.

As I've grown, and matured, and started continued living life, I have begun to understand the meanings of more and more words.

Examples:

• grief
• weeping
• pain
• suffering
• anguish
• abuse
• torment
• anxiety
• depression
• regret
• flashbacks
• poor relationships
• trauma

These are just a few examples. Now, more recent definitions of words I've just now come to understand include:

• forgiveness
• grace
• mercy
• redemption
• faithfulness
• compassion
• rejoice
• wisdom

Worship songs have come to mean different things to me now. Songs that used to be okayish and fun to sing are beginning to cause me to weep, and be still, and nearly fall to my knees with understanding (it's hard to fall to your knees when driving... just sayin'). I'm beginning to personalize and accept the redemption G-d is bringing forth with my story. I will struggle, I will wrestle, and I will fall backwards as I attempt to move forward in my healing. It's all normal. It's a part of being a human and growing and learning how to love the Good L-rd along with learning to love who He made you to be. 

I sure hope that my love and excitement for the L-rd continues to grow. I hope that someday, my story can be of help and that maybe I can bring encouragement. My hope is that I can understand and experience the love and excitement that David, Moses, Abraham, Ruth, Sarah, and so many others have experienced. I want to love the L-rd and search after Him the way Peter, Paul, Matthew, John have shown us to do. I want passion and enthusiasm. I want to know and experience love, marriage, community, connection with people, and multitudes of other wonderful words. I want to know healing and freedom and peace. 

I want to keep learning. 

My vocabulary lessons are not over.

New Steps

Tonight I went to a friend's house. This sweet girl is a girl I work with. She is incredibly kind and friendly and everybody loves her.

I spent the night, just talking with her. Not talking of things of much consequence, and another friend from work stopped by, but I left feeling slightly more filled. I wonder how she does that. She knows she is able to build people up in the things she does and says, and I don't understand how it is that she is able to do such a thing, while being conscious of it, and still remaining humble. I like it. I'm a little jealous that it's not something that I really do, but I'm glad that she is able to do that for others.

I'm still working on figuring out the gifts G-d's given me. It might be closer to a mentoring role than me being charismatic and friends with everyone...

In related/unrelated news, this week in counseling I didn't cry. I normally do, to the point of it being concerning how much I cry. So, to walk out with a smile on my face, and to do more giggling than sniffing, was a great day.

My sweet counselor said some things that really made me start thinking. I had mentioned to her that I wanted to start mentoring middle school and high school aged girls. I also keep mentioning to her when I feel the L-rd is nudging me to share my story, or teach a bible study, or step back from a different bible study... and she prayerfully encourages me and we process what I think I'm being led to do, against what might be me trying to regress or avoid. She's wonderful and I am so grateful to have someone that is able to know my back story, who has faith to be able to guide me in things of faith, and all the while she is teaching me how to process life and G-d for when I might not be in counseling with her anymore.

So, I told her I felt like I wanted to mentor teens/young adults. Through the course of the conversation, she mentioned that she's thought about having me teach the Sexual Trauma Support Group (that I am presently in) with her, in the future. Now, I don't know if it will be a thing that ever actually works out, but I don't think that she's lying about that thought crossing her mind. My whole life I have believed that I have nothing to say, nothing to contribute. However, in the few times that I find myself contributing, people around me come back later (usually after knowing me for a few years) and they mention how quiet and reserved I am, but how deep and insightful my words tend to be.

I'm starting to believe them.

Who knows? Maybe one day I will teach a bible study. Maybe one day I will teach a kid's class, a middle/high school sermon, or perhaps even nursing students (eventually?). Perhaps, someday, I might have something worth saying to teach people. For right now, I am just working on walking beside them and sharing little snippets from my short 23 (almost 24) years on this earth.

Chicago

I recently got the opportunity to go with Big Red (a very petite little redhead) and Beauty to Chicago. They are friends from nursing school that have now moved away from College Town and we decided to go be adventurous.

For those that may/may not know, I love the Divergent series and the Hunger Games series. These movies had just released their first movies when I was newly going through the after effects of my first sexual assault from exboyfriend and the problems following Country Boy's suicide.

At first, I could not handle these movies. They are intense. Divergent has a scene where Tris is attacked by 3 guys who attempt to throw her into this cavern to her death. Tris also experiences the aftermath of a friend committing suicide.

After a couple of tries of watching the movies (yes, it took me multiple times of watching a few minutes at a time before I could get through the movies. However, once I got through them, I began to watch them over and over. I felt comforted by them, but could not peg why such dark movies meant so much to me and were able to comfort me so well.

After months and months of thinking about it, I came to this conclusion: I felt like Tris and Katniss.

They were experiencing constant war; I was fighting an epic battle of my own. They were outcasts with something to fight for; I too felt like an outcast with things to do in my life and something to fight for. They experienced much heartache, trauma, and flashbacks; sound familiar to anything I have written about? These young women survived, against all odds, terrible circumstances. I survived a friend's suicide, multiple sexual assaults/rapes, self harm, suicide attempts, domestic violence, loss of friends, college (against all odds, and nursing school was difficult without the addition of my PTSD), and yet I continued on.

When Big Red first suggested taking a trip, I didn't want to go. I didn't want to spend the money and go be triggered for a solid 4 days with no relief (as I knew would happen). I didn't want to do anything. It was proposed in one of my seasons of depression and exhaustion. Working two jobs, navigating the ups and downs associated with getting into counseling again, and struggling with friendships that had had their ups and downs that I still haven't fully healed from.

Eventually I agreed to go. One night I got this sudden wander lust and one of my bucket list destinations just so happened to be Chicago. Big Red had suggested 2 places and I immediately jumped on the "Chicago train". As we proceeded to plan, buy tickets, and get things in order, I realized (slowly) that Chicago is where the Divergent stories took place!

We started picking places we wanted to go and I chose the John Hancock Building (360 Chicago now) and the Navy Pier. The Pier is where Tris dominated capture the flag by climbing up the ferris wheel and Tris ziplines with the Dauntless Born initiates from the top of the John Hancock building (I think, don't quote me on that). Whatever, the John Hancock building had AMAZING views of the Pier and the rest of Chicago, especially at night, which is when we went.

My mom had often described her college experience as a very "romantic" time in her life. She came from a family that did not go to college, where she grew up without food most days. When she went to college, she was so excited and in unbelief that she had made it that far.

I never understood that feeling, until I got to Chicago. It felt like coming home. Not because I'm from there, or because I had ever been there, but it seemed like a place that had provided a backdrop to a story that got me through so many rough times. Basically, I'm secretly super sentimental and I was processing how far I had come from the time I first started attempting to watch Divergent and the Hunger Games Series to get to the point where I am now.

I did not share this reason for wanting to go to the Navy Pier, or Chicago for that matter, until my last night there with my friends. There was a time that I relied on them too much for support in my immediate post-trauma period, and I ended up overwhelming Beauty. When I had originally told Big Red what had happened to me, she cried in the middle of the mall as strangers strolled by and stared at us. Big Red does not cry, and I made her cry. Because of these experiences, I felt like I needed to avoid telling people my story. I didn't want to burden anyone with this overwhelming, crushing pain. It broke my heart to feel like I had hurt others because I shared my story with them. Looking back, I told Beauty far too much and "word vomited" my pain onto her. As far as Big Red goes, she was simply hurt because I had been hurt so horrifically and she was joining with me to feel that pain. She was mourning the injustices forced upon me. I didn't break her, she was validating how unfair it was for anyone, let alone her friend, to have to go through that. Especially from my first ever boyfriends.

I am now learning to be vulnerable and to share, without over-sharing. By sharing my reasoning for wanting to go to Chicago and see the Navy Pier after they had already agreed to go, they were able to share in my gratefulness and growth. They joined in my gladness because they had walked the most raw parts of my journey with me.

I can see G-d moving in my life friends. It's been awhile since I had been able to see it, but He's showing up so clearly I'm often dumbfounded.

Full Moon Madness

It's been 2-3 nights since the huge full moon occurred. Regardless, the children in the Big House have not gotten said memo. I only had two babies last night and they were being so naughty!!!

I was running behind all night long and not for lack of trying. One kid takes frickin forever to assess and feed because there are often unforseen complications such as him puking every. single. assessment. because he gets so worked up and upset that he doesn't even make sound when crying and thus provides enough pressure on his stomach to then throw up. *Ugh, buddy, let's talk about this!* This phrase is uttered more times than should be allowed in an attempt to get him to chill out. Surprisingly, he's more cooperative for me than for anyone else. *facepalm*

My other kid was on a vent, but absolutely delightful. He's so sweet and his family is so kind and calm. I adore this family/kid. However, he's getting sick. So, after being late from my first kid taking waaaaaay too long to eat and not having a tube to be able to tube the rest of the feed, I started in on this kid. Shortly after sitting down to begin charting on both little pip-squeaks, the NNP came in and I got informed the kid needed blood cultures taken stat. Which means IV sticks to get a totally sterile sample of blood, besides whatever terrible thing has decided to begin growing in this poor little kid's body. First IV got placed no problem, but no blood return to be able to get for cultures. So on to second IV. Got that, no problem and got blood. Antibiotics started and I'm already late for the first kid's second assessment/feeding.

*sigh*

The whole night ran behind after that. Try as I might, I could not get caught up on charting completely until day shift arrived. I was 10 minutes to clock out so that I could chart everything that happened.



I finally got home, got showered, and dressed into new pj's straight out of the dryer. Called in my puppy to sleep with me for the day and as soon as I laid down and petted her, I realized she was covered in some mysterious, dried, likely-dead-animal's guts type substance. So, at 10 a.m. after a frustrating night-shift, I walked my backyard twice in hopes of finding whatever it is she rolled in. Then proceeded to give her a bath. She was pissed, but hey, I'm not letting her gallivant about in my house and all over my bed in some dead creatures guts. GROSS!

Dog's bath done, another change of pajamas, scrubbing my arms up to my elbows and aromatherapy diffuser turned on, I fell asleep.

I woke up 5 hours later, and 2 hours earlier than I needed to, because of nightmares. Nightmares about work, nightmares about family, nightmares about past events. My subconscious must be trying to tell me something, but I'm not getting overworked. I think it was just a stressful shift, my family all bailed on me (except for mom) in every way possible (Thanksgiving, both rape cases, you name it), and I'm still battling memories of exboyfriend and exfiance. I would have worded the last few sentences differently, I don't normally use rape in such a blunt term when talking about those two assholes and the countless number of times I have been abused at their hands, but I'm in a no-nonsense kind of mood right now.

Tomorrow night is Newbie's Night Out with the other new girls on my unit. I'm so excited I can't even tell you! I've been looking forward to this night, and attempting to plan it for months. I kid you not. So, for it to be so close is a wonderful feeling. I'll let you know how it goes!

Good news about last night's shift is that I have made friends (work friend status) with the respiratory therapists, many of the NNP's, and so many others besides the regular nurses. Plus, I got to have my favorite charge nurse on last night!!! I tell you what, she makes the shift so much better, just by being there. But she listens when I have concerns, she believes my "nursing judgement" which is little more than babysitter judgement at this point, and she helps us out. She agreed to help me out with tonight's assignments and not putting my two kids together until first kid learns to not take so long and second kid starts to feel better. I wish she were charge again tonight... ah well, I'm making friends with people the other "regular" staff has difficulties with. Thing is, they have difficulties with a lot of people, and I think it's because of the "regular" staff, not the others. Ya know what I mean? That's how it rolls with a clique mentality. Meanwhile, I'll be friends with everyone and people on other units have already begun requesting me by name. So I'm good with that.

Struggle of This New Nurse

As my orientation season begins to wrap up, I can't help but think about how I felt when I started, and also how I'm not sure I can do it on my own. So far I can get the basics down, but there is always someone watching me and right next to me.

When I need another syringe, they are right there supervising and will run and get it. They are there to answer my millions of questions, without me ever having to leave the baby's bedside. They help one mom breastfeed as I assess and situate the next baby on my assignment list. They make milk, give baths, and do all of the cares that I cannot seem to fit into my work list because I am still slow in the tasks I do as I begin to figure out my muscle memory and routines. They help remind me when I have a med to give, I need to look at labs, and they help me be able to talk to the providers (NNP and neonatalogists) so that I do not get eaten alive just yet.

As I begin to get down the basics, I'm finding more and more that I am so far from knowing how to be a nurse on my own. Orientation for me ends at the end of September. I finished my last day shift orientation yesterday and I begin night shift orientation on Sunday...

To say "the struggle is real" is an understatement.

As I go about learning the ins and outs of a "typical" day, I have found some serious things I struggle with:

1. Breastfeeding. I don't have children. I don't know what it is like to breastfeed. I try to learn what I can from the nurses I am precepting under, but I feel terribly unqualified. When parents and grandparents of the babies ask if I have kids, I have to shamefully respond that I do not. That is followed with them asking how old I am and how much schooling I have left... Apparently the make-up I decided to start wearing so parents wouldn't be freaked out with how young I am, isn't working at all.
2. Families. The baby's families scare me. For every sweet, loving, adoring, easy family, there is an equally "different" family just down the hall. The kind of family that tells you they were a NICU nurse at the hospital I work at, but after further investigation you learn they were in the float pool and only floated the NICU one night to act as our unit secretary because we were severely short-staffed. There are families where we worry if the parents are on too many pain killers because they are falling asleep holding their 3 pound baby and asking the same question over and over. There are the families that we wonder about the safety of the mom because the dad is overbearing and there are signs of domestic violence. Parents who don't seem interested in the child. Women who tell the staff they will be adopting a baby that is in our NICU, throw a fit when they are not allowed to see said baby because we have no paperwork to say they will be the kid's guardian, and then we find out later there was never a plan for this lady to ever be involved in the care of the kid. Now, many of these situations are simply the stories from the nurses I've worked with, but I have experienced some of them between the few hospitals I worked at in Home State and now Small Town Hospital. Parents/family members scare me!  They blame us for what has happened to the baby even when the kid would have died if we didn't come help. They get upset with us for a positive drug screen in a 2 hour old infant, but I know we aren't the ones doing drugs through the pregnancy... I get that many of them are scare, and coping (though not always effectively coping), and they are in a situation that was unexpected and stressful. I get that. But I need serious practice with the parents and family members.
3. Time management. As soon as I feel like I get caught up, a kid pukes, poops, pees, or the family comes in and puts me right back to being behind. Through in a child needing a bath and bed change and I don't know how I will ever do it without having my preceptor there to help me out.
4. Remembering all of the "little" things. Little things like checking the med list for the babies every time I do an assessment so that I'm not late with antibiotics. Knowing how to give certain medications... Knowing who to ask for, how to ask, and what to do when I am needing a certain supply. Remembering the normal vital ranges and care tasks for babies when I am still so used to adult numbers and cares. 
5. Staying out of the cliques. Now, this one is a little different for me because I already have a target on my back. My grandmother (Mema) works in the NICU at my hospital. She has been there for years and years and years. My great aunt (Mema's sister) is the DON of the floor containing the NICU, L&D, the women's med/surg specialty floor, newborn nursery, and other various similar care departments. She is also the one who does the hiring and runs the meetings... So, you can see how many of the girls on the floor could be concerned and upset with me working there. Throw in the fact that night-shift NICU crew is known throughout the hospital for being ridiculously "cliquey" and I already starting with a handful of major disadvantages. So, while I need to work on time-management and all of these other things so that I can be "on-time" with all of the tasks I need to do, I am so very grateful that I am slow and always having something to do to stay busy because it keeps me from even being in a place where I could have downtime to have to talk with the girls. Maybe, by the time I get to a place where I am okay at being a NICU nurse, I will be so used to being busy that I will remain out of the clique scene all-together and nobody will ever know that there is another way for it to be.

So, here I am, about to be pushed off a cliff. Time to see if I will sink or swim.

Pioneer Woman in the Works

I got to help butcher a cow this weekend! I didn't think I would have the stomach for it, but I actually really enjoyed the whole process. Granted, I wasn't there for the killing, skinning, or de-gutting of the poor guy, but I finally saw how hamburger, roasts, and steaks are made from the different parts of the cow. Roommate and I have been given free reign of the brain so we're going to dissect it one of these days and I got to pick out the spinal cord, several arteries, and all sorts of fun A&P stuff. So cool!

Y'all should also know that the cow wasn't supposed to be killed this early in the season, but he got kicked by one of the horses at Roommate's Grandpa's ranch (the one we go riding at), so he was put out of his pain. Sometimes, if the break is low enough, they can heal and they'll end up making really tender beef. This break was really high, though, and would never heal correctly so the cow would end up dying slowly if he hadn't been killed. That's me rationalizing the whole death a little bit, but that doesn't help me a whole lot. Mostly, it was made easier just being separated from the killing and only dealing with the meat. That's why surgeons partition off the patient's face, to help compartmentalize their job from the actual person they're working on.

Tonight I talked myself into preparing a whole trout. It was already gutted from the store, but I took off the fins, decapitated it, and figured out how to get the scales off. Then I baked a couple up and they were actually pretty tasty! I even learned how to de-bone the thing after it was already cooked.

It's scary, but I might be able to be one of those domestic ladies someday... I might even be able to live on a cattle ranch and be able to slaughter my own chickens someday... That's gonna take a lot of time, but I think I'm pretty well cut out for this pioneer woman stuff!

Halfway Finished!

I just finished my third semester of nursing school! This is only including the nursing program classes and not the two semesters I took of prereqs before this. Anyway, 3 down and only 3 to go! This translates into about a year and a half left of classes, L-rd willing I do not get behind or have to retake any of them.

This semester was cake, though. I had Mental Health Nursing, Nursing Research, and Statistics for Nursing. Catching a theme? Next semester is going to be rough, especially following something so easy as this semester has been. I went to school for 3 hours Monday and Tuesday then went to clinicals on Wednesday. Clinicals weren't like normal hospital clinicals though. There were no care plans to write the night before and we literally sat around watching television while waiting for a client (patient) to approach us wanting to have a "therapeutic conversation". That's the kind of conversation where you ask them why they are there, they explain, then you ask "so, how does that make you feel?" I don't do feelings. Clinicals, where you are not running around and passing meds, was a real struggle. I like to have some type of schedule and something to do. Mental health clinicals had neither of those two things and I had to talk about feelings. Yuck! It almost makes me want to gag.

Anyway, I passed and now I get about a month off for winter break! Praise the L-rd!

Tech Support, this is BedpanAlley...

I got to work in one of our academic buildings today after my shift in the library because someone was sick. Guys, I LOVED it! Let's start off by mentioning that I opened as IT support in the library this morning. We had a power surge a few hours after opening and that causes a surprising amount of problems for computers and technology campus-wide. In the library I had a lot of trouble shooting and I thought I broke one of the printers that cost a billion dollars (I'm exaggerating here). It turns out that I didn't, it just needed to be shown who is boss. Well, I just restarted it... After that shift, I went over to our main IT help desk in one of the nearby academic buildings. They were still fixing a lot of problems by the time I left at 4:30 p.m. However, I learned a ton and I got a walkie talkie over there. I missed having a radio from my cashiering job, they really are fun and convenient.

So, my day went really well and I like my boss even more because every time I would ask a question over the radio, he would meet me there without even asking for his help just to make sure that I had help should I need it. He is super nice, nicer than any of my bosses from any previous job. Well, that's not counting the lady I babysit for, or any of the families I have babysat for really because I love them all like they were my own family. I hope I get more training in that IT position so that I can be there next semester. That's how they usually do it, but I just get so excited for it to actually come and I get so excited to learn all this new, great stuff. After days like today, I feel so much smarter but I also realize how much I didn't know and how much there still is to learn. Perhaps someday I can be one of the student managers. Until then, I am content working in the slow-paced library and learning little baby bits over time because if I had many more days like today, my brain may explode from the huge increase in knowledge from class and from work!

That brings me to something I discovered today: I am really strange to those just getting to know me. I had heard it before but never understood the magnitude of my strangeness before today. My boss' wife is a NICU nurse at a local hospital that I had a CNA position offer for so he knows some of the nursing stuff, not much, but a little I think. He asked me how classes were and, being the crazy person that I am, I started telling him about how much fun I had reconstituting the fake powdered medicine in one of my classes and also went on about how I love playing with needles and vials of "medicine." My coworker was also in on the conversation and those two guys just smiled and looked at me like I needed to be locked up and given huge amounts of crazy pills. Maybe it's because my face lights up and I start talking really fast because I'm excited about it, or maybe it's the fact that I told them I love playing with needles. I don't know. I do know, however, that I get this look a lot. I can't help it that I share stuff that excited me about school and I want people to share what they are excited about too. I love when things finally pertain to my career choice and I think it's neat that I can love going to class because of the little things like this that make my week. Perhaps I do need to keep the fact that I love needles on the DL, but for right now, I just can't manage keeping that inside. I bet telling them that I get my blood drawn just to watch the needle go into my arm and to see the blood that used to be inside of me was most likely a tad much. But hey, at least I'm genuine, honest, and excited to be going into nursing. I don't want to be a nurse for the money, 3 work days a week, or for the ability to travel the country for a huge increase in pay. No, I want to be a nurse to care for the sick, injured, and dying in order to help them through this stage in their life with as much dignity and comfort as possible. I want to be a way for G-d's healing and love to reach those who are hurting and in need.

Daily Thanksgiving: I got training for one of the higher IT level positions. I learned a ton and had really nice teachers that called me for help and were patient when I didn't know what to do. I was paired with an amazing student manager who is a great teacher and explained everything with great amounts of grace and patience. (Are you noticing a pattern with the patience?) G-d revealed to me that I am crazy, but it's a good kind of crazy that will give me the purpose I need to continue on as a nurse. I have amazing bosses at my new IT job! That's a big one with me. My mom is also coming down tomorrow for a quick little visit before I go to my doctor's appointment tomorrow (more on that later.) We are getting so much rain here it's not even funny. I love the rain though! However, we had several fires this year and a few last year which is causing a lot of problems now that it is raining. So, if we could get prayer that no more people be killed and that no damage is done to the houses in the burn scars, that would be great!




BTW, the title is how we answer the phone. I know I wouldn't have known that so I'm just trying to help you guys out. :)

Strange Turn of Events

So, country boy told me he was waiting for a text from me these past few weeks, so I decided to text him first tonight. We had a really odd conversation at first, not much was said. Then, by the end of the whole thing he was asking if we could hang out again. If we do, we are going to be hanging out as pals, but I have to figure out what we are going to do. What should we do? Remember, I am BROKE beyond belief. Good news: we are in an area where fishing is a definite possibility, we have rivers to play in, we could go muddin' if it rains that day, or we could find something else to do... Bad news: it against my rules to be alone with a guy (I have been down that road and it is a bad decision every time), I don't have a fishing pole, I don't hang out outside of my house and I have no idea what I even like to do let alone what there is to do around here. Folks, I'm recruiting you for advice. I really need some input. I need something from y'all, anything. Insult me (if you have to), tell me it's a bad idea or suggest something that we could do. My dear readers, save me from myself here. Remember, I am still at an age where my pre-frontal cortex is not fully developed which means that I am bad at making decisions. So, HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE, please help me.

Just got another strange text but I don't have the energy to even go on a spiel about that...

Daily Thanksgiving: My cynical day got better, then it got weirder. However, it started out really bad and got better so that's a huge bonus. I am so very grateful that today is over and tomorrow starts a new day and I can start over with a clean slate. I went to a really easy meeting at work. We talked about C. diff with our facility's pharmacist and she used a lot of microbiology and A&P terms. So, I was super stoked that I followed her whole presentation and knew the answers to all but one of her questions. Guys, I'm learning something and I see that it will actually be relevant to my career as a nurse!!! I love to learn and I get all nerdy about it so forgive that little outburst of geekiness, but learning gets me more excited than boys... that's probably a huge problem...