My recurring theme this past couple of weeks is that I'm called for something more. What is this something more? I have no clue.
Several times now, in many different contexts, and with people that do not know each other, comes the remembrance of Moses. People keep saying that Moses was called. He brought along Aaron (I can't spell Aaron without thinking of the "Substitute Teacher" video on YouTube.)
Anyway, these several people remind me that Moses was called out of nowhere. He was convinced he was not worthy of such a calling. He was convinced that he was ill-equipped and unsuitable to be able to carry out what G-d called him to do. There is also a possibility that he had some sort of problems speaking. It's always stuck out to me that he was given Aaron, because the scriptures say he had a speech impediment. Whether this was constant for him, or something that was aggravated by the stress of going in front of Pharaoh and mass amounts of people, I do not know. All I do know is that the Bible specifically mentions this "problem" he faced.
Here I am, not having had the privilege of speaking to G-d through a burning bush, but having countless people tell me that I am on the cusp of G-d doing something special through me. Even people I've never talked to or really ever met! I feel like G-d has me on the edge of something, but it's not clear to me yet what this new thing is.
I've been applying to volunteer at nearly every church and organization I can find in my nearby area. Nobody is emailing me back... at all... I can't even find a 20's/young singles group to attend because everyone is done for the summer. *facepalm*
Someday it'll make sense. Someday, everything will click into place and I'll get a better idea of what I'm supposed to be doing. Someday, I will be able to laugh at the impatience that I'm experiencing and go through on a semi-regular basis.
This season of waiting, praying, and wondering is not new. G-d suggests I do something, I begin praying for it and working towards what I think may be open doors... many of those doors do not open. Then, when I least expect it, a door opens and everything falls into place.
I do believe I have exhausted just about every obvious door and most of the "creatively found" doors... I'm not certain how much more I can try to apply to before something sticks and works out...
I'll keep y'all posted.
Showing posts with label G-d's plan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label G-d's plan. Show all posts
Monday, May 14, 2018
Friday, April 6, 2018
"This Was Supposed to Happen"
Ever since my first instance of sexual abuse, I have begun to take "encouragement" from people differently. I have struggled with things they intend as being caring, and often become angry. While I try to listen and accept what they are saying with grace, there is often misinformation and ignorance behind these words.
One of the worst offenses for me comes with the phrases:
"G-d meant for this to happen."
"He only gives certain things to people that He knows can handle it."
"This was meant to be a way to help shape you for further life purposes."
{fill in from your experiences}
While I agree that G-d can bring forth beauty from ashes and healing from unimaginable pain, I truly do not believe that He causes things like trauma to happen.
Often, I have heard from pastors, rabbis, teachers, and mentors that G-d does not cause bad things to happen. Yet, in the very next week's sermon, they teach about how G-d causes things to happen so that you might be taught lessons and these just so happen to occur as hard times, traumatic instances, and sins.
These two separate teachings sound like contradictions to me.
He might allow them to happen, but He does not cause them to happen. G-d cannot cause sin to occur, nor does He tempt us. He does not cause traumatic instances, death, or destruction to occur. It's not who He is! G-d is wholly good, ALL of the time. Isn't that what we are taught from the same stage that is instructing us that we screwed up to allow devastation befall us?
With this argument that G-d does not cause bad things, my mind is drawn to the story of Job. G-d did not cause Job's children to die. Nor did G-d cause Job's servants and livestock to perish. G-d did not steal away Job''s wealth, happiness, health, or destroy his life. What we see in this story is something that continues to shock me and cause turmoil, because G-d essentially allowed Satan to have full control over the circumstances befalling Job. Then factor in that this occurs in what seems to be a BET of Job's faithfulness. However, G-d did not cause a single thing to happen to Job, only Satan did that. G-d allowed it all to happen, within very precise boundaries that He gave Satan.
I don't know about you, but it bothers me to my core that G-d does not completely protect us. However, He does only allow things to happen to us that He knows we can bear. Still, HE DOES NOT CAUSE US HARM!!!
Am I getting my point across?
This is why, when people tell me that G-d only gives us what we can handle, and He meant for us to go through certain traumas, it is incredibly offensive to me. In these times, the words coming out of their mouths are telling me that G-d chose my abuser, gave him the idea to sexually assault and rape me, and that all of this was in His (G-d's) plan for my life.
THAT'S TOTAL CRAP!
It is not the picture we are given in the Bible. It is not the teachings that are given from the mouth of G-d. And I completely understand why people walk away from G-d after traumatic life happenings, if these are the only things they are taught about G-d!
I understand that people do not say these "encouraging" things out of malice, or hatred, or from a place of trying to harm others. However, it is still not G-dly encouragement nor is it truth. I get that my personal offense is taken, basically, due to an issue with semantics and the way these leaders and teachers use their words. Not all survivors are able to process the sermons in this way, though, and so they simply hear that their abuse was their fault according to religion and religious leaders. How can anyone come into the healing and peace of G-d if they believe G-d caused them this anguish and that He and His people hold the survivor at fault for what has happened?
Recently I watched a video of a pastor telling people not to ask "Why me L-rd?" He recounts a sermon he had taught about brokenness, trials, and life struggles. He encourages his flock to not ask G-d "why me" when going through seasons of difficulty because G-d chose them for that difficulty. That He uses these things to teach people how to be people that G-d needs them to be. While I appreciate the heart and meaning behind this message, I think we often get trauma mixed up with seasons of teaching and the trials that are meant to teach us things. No wonder there is so much shame in the body of believers! This teachings tells survivors of horrendous evils that it was their fault that a particular thing happened because: they weren't strong enough, G-d wanted something bad to happen to them, they weren't good enough, their life is destined to be a life of pain, and they deserved the things that happened to them. Along side them (teachers, pastors, etc), and often reinforcing the teaching of these things, are people who have not necessarily been through such traumas.
Sometimes G-d does want to teach us things, but sometimes Satan plants an idea in somebody's mind and they carry out an evil act against another. The key here is to not get the 2 mixed up, and to allow people to come forward freely to talk about their pains, seasons of struggling, traumatic experiences, what they've survived, and what they are going through.
The other thing that really bugged me about this particular pastor's teaching, is that he is essentially cutting off a major form of intimacy and communication with our creator. When looking at the story of Job, Daniel, David, the disciples, Naomi, Ruth, Esther, and countless others, we see them questioning the circumstances and teachings in their lives. QUESTIONING DOES NOT NECESSARILY NEGATE FAITH!
We all wonder why things happen. We wonder why G-d allows certain things to take place and we question the meaning of our lives. When we are able to bring our questions about life and life events to the One who is overseeing all that happens, even in our deepest most intimate places, we are able to hope for answers.
We will not always get answers, and we aren't always supposed to. But sometimes, G-d gives us an answer, an explanation, or He allows us to see how His hand is playing a part in our life. For me, I am beginning to see how my ability to empathize with others has grown exponentially because of what I've experienced. I am learning that what I say matters and the patterns I see in my life have value to others that are on journeys to healing, as I still am. I am learning how to better walk beside people near me in their lives and struggles and to offer encouragement and friendly "counseling" (more of a listening ear). My heart has softened to the pain of others. I have moved from a place of sympathy to a place of empathy to a place of wanting to ease other's burdens, if by merely being a presence while they walk a very difficult path.
Personally, I still wrestle with G-d and ask Him why I was allowed to be abused, assaulted, raped, and cast aside. I ask Him why I was taught about life in the ways that I was, as a child. I question why I was allowed to be so traumatized, when I simply lived life according to the rules I was taught in church and what I believed He had taught me thus far. Why He didn't intervene in any of the countless times I was taken advantage of, held down, coerced, manipulated, and otherwise hurt. I also inquire as to why He didn't allow these guys to be persecuted when I went to the police. Why the judge decided exfiance wasn't dangerous enough to get a restraining order against to keep me safer and on the spectrum of being able to have police backup should he breech my boundaries (which he has many times since).
I don't think I will ever get answers for these things. However, I have not been punished for asking them. G-d allowed me to wrestle with Him, to yell and fight and punch and get it all out. Then He held me in His arms and allowed me to have peace. He gave me peace. He brought me close to His heart. After all of my fighting was through, even my fighting against Him, He drew near to me. In this place, I was given peace for the first time in years. It's a process though, I couldn't have been given peace without having been able to fight and yell and scream and wrestle with Him. It wouldn't have been the same, I wouldn't have the same understanding.
He doesn't cause bad things to happen to us and He doesn't require that we always follow with blind faith without asking questions. Just look to the Bible. Sometimes people were asked to follow "strange" instructions while being given no answers, but they asked questions. They didn't lose faith, but we are questioning in nature, that's how G-d created us. So, I think He can handle the inquiries we make of Him.
One of the worst offenses for me comes with the phrases:
"G-d meant for this to happen."
"He only gives certain things to people that He knows can handle it."
"This was meant to be a way to help shape you for further life purposes."
{fill in from your experiences}
While I agree that G-d can bring forth beauty from ashes and healing from unimaginable pain, I truly do not believe that He causes things like trauma to happen.
Often, I have heard from pastors, rabbis, teachers, and mentors that G-d does not cause bad things to happen. Yet, in the very next week's sermon, they teach about how G-d causes things to happen so that you might be taught lessons and these just so happen to occur as hard times, traumatic instances, and sins.
These two separate teachings sound like contradictions to me.
He might allow them to happen, but He does not cause them to happen. G-d cannot cause sin to occur, nor does He tempt us. He does not cause traumatic instances, death, or destruction to occur. It's not who He is! G-d is wholly good, ALL of the time. Isn't that what we are taught from the same stage that is instructing us that we screwed up to allow devastation befall us?
With this argument that G-d does not cause bad things, my mind is drawn to the story of Job. G-d did not cause Job's children to die. Nor did G-d cause Job's servants and livestock to perish. G-d did not steal away Job''s wealth, happiness, health, or destroy his life. What we see in this story is something that continues to shock me and cause turmoil, because G-d essentially allowed Satan to have full control over the circumstances befalling Job. Then factor in that this occurs in what seems to be a BET of Job's faithfulness. However, G-d did not cause a single thing to happen to Job, only Satan did that. G-d allowed it all to happen, within very precise boundaries that He gave Satan.
I don't know about you, but it bothers me to my core that G-d does not completely protect us. However, He does only allow things to happen to us that He knows we can bear. Still, HE DOES NOT CAUSE US HARM!!!
Am I getting my point across?
This is why, when people tell me that G-d only gives us what we can handle, and He meant for us to go through certain traumas, it is incredibly offensive to me. In these times, the words coming out of their mouths are telling me that G-d chose my abuser, gave him the idea to sexually assault and rape me, and that all of this was in His (G-d's) plan for my life.
THAT'S TOTAL CRAP!
It is not the picture we are given in the Bible. It is not the teachings that are given from the mouth of G-d. And I completely understand why people walk away from G-d after traumatic life happenings, if these are the only things they are taught about G-d!
I understand that people do not say these "encouraging" things out of malice, or hatred, or from a place of trying to harm others. However, it is still not G-dly encouragement nor is it truth. I get that my personal offense is taken, basically, due to an issue with semantics and the way these leaders and teachers use their words. Not all survivors are able to process the sermons in this way, though, and so they simply hear that their abuse was their fault according to religion and religious leaders. How can anyone come into the healing and peace of G-d if they believe G-d caused them this anguish and that He and His people hold the survivor at fault for what has happened?
Recently I watched a video of a pastor telling people not to ask "Why me L-rd?" He recounts a sermon he had taught about brokenness, trials, and life struggles. He encourages his flock to not ask G-d "why me" when going through seasons of difficulty because G-d chose them for that difficulty. That He uses these things to teach people how to be people that G-d needs them to be. While I appreciate the heart and meaning behind this message, I think we often get trauma mixed up with seasons of teaching and the trials that are meant to teach us things. No wonder there is so much shame in the body of believers! This teachings tells survivors of horrendous evils that it was their fault that a particular thing happened because: they weren't strong enough, G-d wanted something bad to happen to them, they weren't good enough, their life is destined to be a life of pain, and they deserved the things that happened to them. Along side them (teachers, pastors, etc), and often reinforcing the teaching of these things, are people who have not necessarily been through such traumas.
Sometimes G-d does want to teach us things, but sometimes Satan plants an idea in somebody's mind and they carry out an evil act against another. The key here is to not get the 2 mixed up, and to allow people to come forward freely to talk about their pains, seasons of struggling, traumatic experiences, what they've survived, and what they are going through.
The other thing that really bugged me about this particular pastor's teaching, is that he is essentially cutting off a major form of intimacy and communication with our creator. When looking at the story of Job, Daniel, David, the disciples, Naomi, Ruth, Esther, and countless others, we see them questioning the circumstances and teachings in their lives. QUESTIONING DOES NOT NECESSARILY NEGATE FAITH!
We all wonder why things happen. We wonder why G-d allows certain things to take place and we question the meaning of our lives. When we are able to bring our questions about life and life events to the One who is overseeing all that happens, even in our deepest most intimate places, we are able to hope for answers.
We will not always get answers, and we aren't always supposed to. But sometimes, G-d gives us an answer, an explanation, or He allows us to see how His hand is playing a part in our life. For me, I am beginning to see how my ability to empathize with others has grown exponentially because of what I've experienced. I am learning that what I say matters and the patterns I see in my life have value to others that are on journeys to healing, as I still am. I am learning how to better walk beside people near me in their lives and struggles and to offer encouragement and friendly "counseling" (more of a listening ear). My heart has softened to the pain of others. I have moved from a place of sympathy to a place of empathy to a place of wanting to ease other's burdens, if by merely being a presence while they walk a very difficult path.
Personally, I still wrestle with G-d and ask Him why I was allowed to be abused, assaulted, raped, and cast aside. I ask Him why I was taught about life in the ways that I was, as a child. I question why I was allowed to be so traumatized, when I simply lived life according to the rules I was taught in church and what I believed He had taught me thus far. Why He didn't intervene in any of the countless times I was taken advantage of, held down, coerced, manipulated, and otherwise hurt. I also inquire as to why He didn't allow these guys to be persecuted when I went to the police. Why the judge decided exfiance wasn't dangerous enough to get a restraining order against to keep me safer and on the spectrum of being able to have police backup should he breech my boundaries (which he has many times since).
I don't think I will ever get answers for these things. However, I have not been punished for asking them. G-d allowed me to wrestle with Him, to yell and fight and punch and get it all out. Then He held me in His arms and allowed me to have peace. He gave me peace. He brought me close to His heart. After all of my fighting was through, even my fighting against Him, He drew near to me. In this place, I was given peace for the first time in years. It's a process though, I couldn't have been given peace without having been able to fight and yell and scream and wrestle with Him. It wouldn't have been the same, I wouldn't have the same understanding.
He doesn't cause bad things to happen to us and He doesn't require that we always follow with blind faith without asking questions. Just look to the Bible. Sometimes people were asked to follow "strange" instructions while being given no answers, but they asked questions. They didn't lose faith, but we are questioning in nature, that's how G-d created us. So, I think He can handle the inquiries we make of Him.
Saturday, June 10, 2017
LIfe in Slow Motion
I had that follow up skype peer review interview thing... it went okay. It was the same questions, same lady from the first interview, just add in one of the floor nurses. Like, really? Plus, I sat on my end of the skype call for 20 minutes before the interview started because I was told to connect 10 minutes early and it took awhile for them to connect. Minor irk, I'll be fine.
It seems to me, however, that once I start interviewing with one hospital in the system, that it suddenly shuts me down for any of the other hospitals in that system. I have interviewed in College Town, which then made the recruiter from Home Town (in the same system but different recruiter/hospital) not contact me anymore. That's ridiculous! The recruiter for the paper charting hospital at least talked to me about location, but I need to go ahead and call her back and ask her to get me more interviews at higher acuity places.
This whole process is absolutely ridiculous and they take frickin forever to get back to you with anything. Application -> recruiter call? 1.5 weeks. Recruiter call -> interview? 1.5-2 weeks... Interview -> job offer??? Uh, probably never!!!
Grandpa is doing okay. Major family drama went down because one of his sisters (he's one of 10 kids...) came to visit him. His family hates grandma... ummm, lots of people do but that's a different story. Anyway, his sister had tried to call him for 2 weeks to let him know she was coming into town. However, when grandpa went into the hospital with confusion, where we learned of his cancer, grandma stole his phone and routed all of his calls to her phone so that nobody would get to talk to him. Why? Because grandma is mean. Don't take this lightly. She has narcissistic personality disorder and she's got the meanest, evilest version of it. She does things just to try to kill people slowly and try to torture them until they give in and keel over dead. I kid you not. (More storied about her in another post. She takes too long to talk about and I've got loads of crazy stories on her just from this last week.)
Anyway, this particular sister of grandpa's will tell her off! Haha, so funny. BUT I MISSED ALL OF IT! Anywho, since grandpa wasn't getting any calls and they were all sent straight to grandma's phone, my great aunt ended up strolling into the house unannounced. My mom said that my grandma's jaw dropped to the floor! AND I MISSED IT ALL!!! Damn it!
Regardless, grandpa is losing a bunch of weight, not drinking enough, not eating, and my grandma just keeps him from having food by telling him he doesn't need to be eating. Poor guy. I just wish he could have time alone from her! Just let him live with me!!!
Work is okay. I finally have an end date. With that came a call from HR in the middle of my nap. Ugh, I answered a call from the hospital, while mostly asleep, to hear a very loud, overly cheering lady essentially passively aggressively yelling at me for breaking my 2 year contract. She kept reiterating that I signed on for 2 years, so the hospital gave me $3500. I kid you not, she probably told me that it was $3500 like 8 times in 2 minutes. Yes, I know what I signed on for! She was being really rude, while trying to sound nice, all the way up until I told her I have to leave because my grandpa is sick. She sounded slightly sorry and then had to start fumbling around for words. Long story short, she asked how I wanted to pay it back. I told her to go ahead and have accounting call me and we can talk about it. They haven't called, or maybe they did and didn't leave a message. You would think that a hospital, that has half of their employees working night shift, would understand that they need to not call in the middle of the day and that they should leave a message if they want to get any business done. This hospital is severely pissing me off. Whatever, I'm leaving, it'll be okay eventually.
I can see the L-rd working, but I'm only seeing the surface. I want to see the behind-the-scenes takes. I want to see how this all plays out and how everything gets worked out. *sigh* Tis not the way G-d works. Yay for faith building... I know it's a good thing, it's just that growing pains are painful and there's no Tylenol for spiritual "discomfort".
It seems to me, however, that once I start interviewing with one hospital in the system, that it suddenly shuts me down for any of the other hospitals in that system. I have interviewed in College Town, which then made the recruiter from Home Town (in the same system but different recruiter/hospital) not contact me anymore. That's ridiculous! The recruiter for the paper charting hospital at least talked to me about location, but I need to go ahead and call her back and ask her to get me more interviews at higher acuity places.
This whole process is absolutely ridiculous and they take frickin forever to get back to you with anything. Application -> recruiter call? 1.5 weeks. Recruiter call -> interview? 1.5-2 weeks... Interview -> job offer??? Uh, probably never!!!
Grandpa is doing okay. Major family drama went down because one of his sisters (he's one of 10 kids...) came to visit him. His family hates grandma... ummm, lots of people do but that's a different story. Anyway, his sister had tried to call him for 2 weeks to let him know she was coming into town. However, when grandpa went into the hospital with confusion, where we learned of his cancer, grandma stole his phone and routed all of his calls to her phone so that nobody would get to talk to him. Why? Because grandma is mean. Don't take this lightly. She has narcissistic personality disorder and she's got the meanest, evilest version of it. She does things just to try to kill people slowly and try to torture them until they give in and keel over dead. I kid you not. (More storied about her in another post. She takes too long to talk about and I've got loads of crazy stories on her just from this last week.)
Anyway, this particular sister of grandpa's will tell her off! Haha, so funny. BUT I MISSED ALL OF IT! Anywho, since grandpa wasn't getting any calls and they were all sent straight to grandma's phone, my great aunt ended up strolling into the house unannounced. My mom said that my grandma's jaw dropped to the floor! AND I MISSED IT ALL!!! Damn it!
Regardless, grandpa is losing a bunch of weight, not drinking enough, not eating, and my grandma just keeps him from having food by telling him he doesn't need to be eating. Poor guy. I just wish he could have time alone from her! Just let him live with me!!!
Work is okay. I finally have an end date. With that came a call from HR in the middle of my nap. Ugh, I answered a call from the hospital, while mostly asleep, to hear a very loud, overly cheering lady essentially passively aggressively yelling at me for breaking my 2 year contract. She kept reiterating that I signed on for 2 years, so the hospital gave me $3500. I kid you not, she probably told me that it was $3500 like 8 times in 2 minutes. Yes, I know what I signed on for! She was being really rude, while trying to sound nice, all the way up until I told her I have to leave because my grandpa is sick. She sounded slightly sorry and then had to start fumbling around for words. Long story short, she asked how I wanted to pay it back. I told her to go ahead and have accounting call me and we can talk about it. They haven't called, or maybe they did and didn't leave a message. You would think that a hospital, that has half of their employees working night shift, would understand that they need to not call in the middle of the day and that they should leave a message if they want to get any business done. This hospital is severely pissing me off. Whatever, I'm leaving, it'll be okay eventually.
I can see the L-rd working, but I'm only seeing the surface. I want to see the behind-the-scenes takes. I want to see how this all plays out and how everything gets worked out. *sigh* Tis not the way G-d works. Yay for faith building... I know it's a good thing, it's just that growing pains are painful and there's no Tylenol for spiritual "discomfort".
Friday, May 5, 2017
New Horizons
Hello all. It's been a good, long time since I've posted on here. I miss you guys but feel there is nothing interesting going on in my life.
I go about single, for my second year, and wanting a relationship, knowing that I'm not ready and only wanting a relationship because I'm bored. It's a real problem.
My hospital is angering me and I am deeply regretting signing a two year contract and a two year lease for my house. Let's preface this by mentioning that my non-profit hospital got bought out less than a year ago. Changes started slow, then began all at once. One of the newest changes by the Big Mean Company that took over a great Small Town Hospital is the banning of overtime along with the mass hiring of far too many staff members. For our 20 bed NICU, we have 7-8 nurses scheduled EVERY FUCKING NIGHT!!! We will never need 8 nurses unless we have 4-5 1:1 cases and all the other beds filled and that plumb doesn't happen. I have worked 1 night out of 3 scheduled nights for the last 2 weeks and I worked 2/3 the week before. Granted, corporate could not have foreseen, nor predicted this extreme shortage of patients, going on 3 months now, but they could have known that we would never need 8 nurses. At most, we need 5-6 when every blessed bed in the unit is packed and 3 rooms have twins and so we're over-crowded for what would be an acceptable amount of children in our unit.
Back to present day, I am job hunting. The problems with this are: 1) I signed a 2 year contract with the hospital, 2) there is one other hospital in town and no others within 2 hours of here 3) travel nursing won't hire you until you have been a nurse for 1 year for which I am 2.5 months short of, by then we will likely have more children and far less staff because everyone is looking for jobs elsewhere. We all have bills and most of the nurses are the sole/main income for themselves and their families/children. Praise the L-rd I saved my PTO and have been living below my means. I also praise the Good L-rd for allowing me to not get a car when I wanted to in April because I could not have afforded the car payments with no income!
I kid you not, the hospital take-over that I am living through is nearly as bad as the hospital take over in Grey's Anatomy where they began having massive walkouts of the nurses/doctors. Thing is, they are in Seattle where hospitals and opportunities abound. I live in a dead-end town with no hopes of better prospects, unless I move.
Anyone have experience in breaking leases and/or contracts?
If I could be working on school or living at home with my parents, I would have no problems. But, alas, I am in serious trouble. Add in that work has been my happy place and my sense of purpose and excuse to get out of the house. Now I've got very little to do. Don't worry though, I'm not planning on getting my house completely unpacked and put away any time soon. I don't play that game.
Today I am considering online dating just so that I would have someone to talk to.
Somebody save me from this pit of a town!!!
I have applied to several travel nursing companies, the local university that is looking for a clinical assistant, and the other hospital in town (that I don't trust with my license) just so that I could start getting L&D experience. We'll see how it goes. I can't keep down 2 full-time jobs and I cannot afford the taxes for that level of income, but I don't know what else to do. I need L&D experience and I might end up needing to decrease my hours to part-time in the NICU and in L&D (if I got the job). I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I guess I'll just hope for the best and leave the planning to G-d. I don't even know what the best case scenario is, in this case, only G-d knows what is going to happen at all. I'm growing increasingly glad I have very few ties to this town (i.e. a boyfriend/fiance, children, schooling, a purchased house, etc). On the other hand, I feel as though my life is passing me by and I have nothing to show for it.
That's it. That's my entire update. I'll keep you in the loop if anything begins to come up in my life... in the future. Don't hold your breath, though.
I go about single, for my second year, and wanting a relationship, knowing that I'm not ready and only wanting a relationship because I'm bored. It's a real problem.
My hospital is angering me and I am deeply regretting signing a two year contract and a two year lease for my house. Let's preface this by mentioning that my non-profit hospital got bought out less than a year ago. Changes started slow, then began all at once. One of the newest changes by the Big Mean Company that took over a great Small Town Hospital is the banning of overtime along with the mass hiring of far too many staff members. For our 20 bed NICU, we have 7-8 nurses scheduled EVERY FUCKING NIGHT!!! We will never need 8 nurses unless we have 4-5 1:1 cases and all the other beds filled and that plumb doesn't happen. I have worked 1 night out of 3 scheduled nights for the last 2 weeks and I worked 2/3 the week before. Granted, corporate could not have foreseen, nor predicted this extreme shortage of patients, going on 3 months now, but they could have known that we would never need 8 nurses. At most, we need 5-6 when every blessed bed in the unit is packed and 3 rooms have twins and so we're over-crowded for what would be an acceptable amount of children in our unit.
Back to present day, I am job hunting. The problems with this are: 1) I signed a 2 year contract with the hospital, 2) there is one other hospital in town and no others within 2 hours of here 3) travel nursing won't hire you until you have been a nurse for 1 year for which I am 2.5 months short of, by then we will likely have more children and far less staff because everyone is looking for jobs elsewhere. We all have bills and most of the nurses are the sole/main income for themselves and their families/children. Praise the L-rd I saved my PTO and have been living below my means. I also praise the Good L-rd for allowing me to not get a car when I wanted to in April because I could not have afforded the car payments with no income!
I kid you not, the hospital take-over that I am living through is nearly as bad as the hospital take over in Grey's Anatomy where they began having massive walkouts of the nurses/doctors. Thing is, they are in Seattle where hospitals and opportunities abound. I live in a dead-end town with no hopes of better prospects, unless I move.
Anyone have experience in breaking leases and/or contracts?
If I could be working on school or living at home with my parents, I would have no problems. But, alas, I am in serious trouble. Add in that work has been my happy place and my sense of purpose and excuse to get out of the house. Now I've got very little to do. Don't worry though, I'm not planning on getting my house completely unpacked and put away any time soon. I don't play that game.
Today I am considering online dating just so that I would have someone to talk to.
Somebody save me from this pit of a town!!!
I have applied to several travel nursing companies, the local university that is looking for a clinical assistant, and the other hospital in town (that I don't trust with my license) just so that I could start getting L&D experience. We'll see how it goes. I can't keep down 2 full-time jobs and I cannot afford the taxes for that level of income, but I don't know what else to do. I need L&D experience and I might end up needing to decrease my hours to part-time in the NICU and in L&D (if I got the job). I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I guess I'll just hope for the best and leave the planning to G-d. I don't even know what the best case scenario is, in this case, only G-d knows what is going to happen at all. I'm growing increasingly glad I have very few ties to this town (i.e. a boyfriend/fiance, children, schooling, a purchased house, etc). On the other hand, I feel as though my life is passing me by and I have nothing to show for it.
That's it. That's my entire update. I'll keep you in the loop if anything begins to come up in my life... in the future. Don't hold your breath, though.
Thursday, July 21, 2016
Can't Run From Your Past
When I told people about my plans to leave Home State, if they new my story, they would tell me that running away from my problems would not fix them. They always told me that my past will follow me wherever I go.
You know what? I have memories and things that come up with with everyday life, but I'm not constantly bombarded with everything I was hit with in Home State, especially in the town where I went to school (where the assaults happened).
Today is a rough day. The memories won't let up, but it's because I'm processing some bad news about one of my cases.
You know what? The legal system sucks when trying to actually get justice. I get that you have to have evidence and proof and whatnot, but seriously the amount of rapists that actually get charged compared to the number of rapes that happen is absolute garbage! No fucking wonder there is a huge number of people (men, women, or children) that are raped every single day. You wanna know why this damn rate is so high? Because the assholes that refuse to keep their appendages to themselves know the law. They know what to do in order to get away with their evil actions. They know that if you are drugged and don't remember the night, then nothing can be done to charge them, unless a witness watches everything that happens and catches the rapist in the act. They know to keep victims away from anyone else because that makes all of their assaults a case of "he-said-she-said" which makes their word just as reliable as the victim's, unless recorded and able to be used for proof.
Honestly, this world is so worried about being politically correct and not stepping on anyone's toes, that it's gotten to the point that nobody can be trusted and justice is unattainable. I know that the only one who can provide justice and truly fix anything is G-d. I don't believe that this is necessarily the end of the road, because He judges and punishes as He sees fit. Maybe one or both of these assholes that destroyed my life are sorry. Maybe they truly regret what they did, are remorseful, and have decided to apologize and ask for forgiveness to the L-rd. Maybe they think I'm over-reacting and think they've done nothing wrong. Maybe, they (or at least one of them), is truly evil and looks to further traumatize girls because he gets a kick out of it.
Who knows? Maybe they will never receive punishment, never feel sorry, never understand the extent to which they have caused harm to another living being. Maybe someday there will be showers of fire and brimstone. I don't know! I know nothing of the future. G-d might not want to punish them at all or maybe He does. Nobody can know.
I'll be honest with you, I pray for justice. I pray that somehow, these wrongs are made right and that I can have peace. I realize that one can have peace without justice being served, and I pray that I am able to come to a resolution regardless of whether judgement and punishment are served.
*sigh*
So, today I struggle but I am on my way to a support group. I pray I find friends who can help me here. I pray I find ladies who can help me walk this rough road that I am being held prisoner on. All I can do is keep marching on as slow or as fast as it requires. I desperately need a bridge to a different path. I need a different road, a different direction, a different life. However, that's not how it works, so here I go...
on my way...
I have no clue where I'm going...
You know what? I have memories and things that come up with with everyday life, but I'm not constantly bombarded with everything I was hit with in Home State, especially in the town where I went to school (where the assaults happened).
Today is a rough day. The memories won't let up, but it's because I'm processing some bad news about one of my cases.
You know what? The legal system sucks when trying to actually get justice. I get that you have to have evidence and proof and whatnot, but seriously the amount of rapists that actually get charged compared to the number of rapes that happen is absolute garbage! No fucking wonder there is a huge number of people (men, women, or children) that are raped every single day. You wanna know why this damn rate is so high? Because the assholes that refuse to keep their appendages to themselves know the law. They know what to do in order to get away with their evil actions. They know that if you are drugged and don't remember the night, then nothing can be done to charge them, unless a witness watches everything that happens and catches the rapist in the act. They know to keep victims away from anyone else because that makes all of their assaults a case of "he-said-she-said" which makes their word just as reliable as the victim's, unless recorded and able to be used for proof.
Honestly, this world is so worried about being politically correct and not stepping on anyone's toes, that it's gotten to the point that nobody can be trusted and justice is unattainable. I know that the only one who can provide justice and truly fix anything is G-d. I don't believe that this is necessarily the end of the road, because He judges and punishes as He sees fit. Maybe one or both of these assholes that destroyed my life are sorry. Maybe they truly regret what they did, are remorseful, and have decided to apologize and ask for forgiveness to the L-rd. Maybe they think I'm over-reacting and think they've done nothing wrong. Maybe, they (or at least one of them), is truly evil and looks to further traumatize girls because he gets a kick out of it.
Who knows? Maybe they will never receive punishment, never feel sorry, never understand the extent to which they have caused harm to another living being. Maybe someday there will be showers of fire and brimstone. I don't know! I know nothing of the future. G-d might not want to punish them at all or maybe He does. Nobody can know.
I'll be honest with you, I pray for justice. I pray that somehow, these wrongs are made right and that I can have peace. I realize that one can have peace without justice being served, and I pray that I am able to come to a resolution regardless of whether judgement and punishment are served.
*sigh*
So, today I struggle but I am on my way to a support group. I pray I find friends who can help me here. I pray I find ladies who can help me walk this rough road that I am being held prisoner on. All I can do is keep marching on as slow or as fast as it requires. I desperately need a bridge to a different path. I need a different road, a different direction, a different life. However, that's not how it works, so here I go...
on my way...
I have no clue where I'm going...
Monday, November 2, 2015
Life Insurance
I got to spend some time with boyfriend/fiance this weekend. He went out on Halloween and called me for a ride because he had had a few too many drinks. That's cool, I offered the ride to him because there are a ridiculous amount of cops out to catch people having a little "too much fun" and then choosing to drive. I get it, they're trying to keep the roads safe. Unfortunately, most of the cops I saw had pulled people over for speeding while I saw several drunk drivers with no cops around. Seriously, priorities people! Whatever, it's not my job and I can't tell other people how to do their jobs because I hate people telling me how to do mine.
Anyway, fiance and I were talking and he told me he put me on his life insurance. He told me if he dies, he wants me to buy a nice house, a nice truck, and he wants me to go travel the world with the money. I asked when he put me on his policy and he told me it was a couple weeks ago. A couple weeks ago we were broken up... So I asked if I was put on before or after the break-up, he told me he put me on it during the time we weren't together. Hmmm, that's kind of interesting. He says he was hoping we would get back together so he put me on it anyway. It's sweet, but it's almost like he doesn't believe I was serious. I know that I can walk away and be absolutely fine. I need him to realize that because maybe he will realize that I'm not a puppet and I do have my own needs as a human being.
He's getting better at listening to me, sometimes. Other times we get in fights, but when he gets upset with me, I am actually able to start telling him exactly what is on my mind because I am thinking of replies to him before I see him.
He keeps asking when the wedding is because we had originally planned on getting married in June of 2016. He's not super happy that we will be waiting another year (2017) or two but I need the time to see if we will work out. I can see him trying to fix his life, but I honestly know that it's not going to change unless he finds the L-rd but he is angry with G-d for taking his wife away. I get it. I'm angry that my purity was allowed to be stolen when G-d could have done something, anything, to be able to save me from that. However, I have to trust that there was a reason that it was allowed and I have to have hope that someday, the L-rd will restore my purity and make me whole. I have hope that He will forgive me and allow me to be able to spend eternity with Him. Honestly, the only thing keeping me going right now is a hope that someday, I won't have to remember any of this and that I will make it to eternity and not have to be here anymore. It's a small thing to grasp onto, but it's all I have right now.
I watched The Fault In Our Stars. Poor choice to watch when depressed and already sad (I watched it during my break-up with fiance). Oh my goodness, I cried for the rest of the day. It brought back to mind my funeral plans and what I want to be said about me when I go. All I want is to be remembered for forgiving when everyone around me thinks its crazy. I want to be remembered as being dependable, sweet, kind, patient, and good with old people and children. I want to be remembered as being a friend to those who don't have friends, even when it might be painful for me because at least then they have someone. It would be nice to be remembered, but I have no idea how/if I will be remembered. That's sometimes a little scary, but it is what it is. The reason I thought about all of this is because of the eulogy scene where the guy that is sick decides that he wants to hear the eulogies that he asked his friends to prepare. I want to hear what people would say in my eulogies, but I don't really want eulogies at my funeral and not many people have the chance to be able to attend their funeral before they die.
So, that is where I'm at.
Anyway, fiance and I were talking and he told me he put me on his life insurance. He told me if he dies, he wants me to buy a nice house, a nice truck, and he wants me to go travel the world with the money. I asked when he put me on his policy and he told me it was a couple weeks ago. A couple weeks ago we were broken up... So I asked if I was put on before or after the break-up, he told me he put me on it during the time we weren't together. Hmmm, that's kind of interesting. He says he was hoping we would get back together so he put me on it anyway. It's sweet, but it's almost like he doesn't believe I was serious. I know that I can walk away and be absolutely fine. I need him to realize that because maybe he will realize that I'm not a puppet and I do have my own needs as a human being.
He's getting better at listening to me, sometimes. Other times we get in fights, but when he gets upset with me, I am actually able to start telling him exactly what is on my mind because I am thinking of replies to him before I see him.
He keeps asking when the wedding is because we had originally planned on getting married in June of 2016. He's not super happy that we will be waiting another year (2017) or two but I need the time to see if we will work out. I can see him trying to fix his life, but I honestly know that it's not going to change unless he finds the L-rd but he is angry with G-d for taking his wife away. I get it. I'm angry that my purity was allowed to be stolen when G-d could have done something, anything, to be able to save me from that. However, I have to trust that there was a reason that it was allowed and I have to have hope that someday, the L-rd will restore my purity and make me whole. I have hope that He will forgive me and allow me to be able to spend eternity with Him. Honestly, the only thing keeping me going right now is a hope that someday, I won't have to remember any of this and that I will make it to eternity and not have to be here anymore. It's a small thing to grasp onto, but it's all I have right now.
I watched The Fault In Our Stars. Poor choice to watch when depressed and already sad (I watched it during my break-up with fiance). Oh my goodness, I cried for the rest of the day. It brought back to mind my funeral plans and what I want to be said about me when I go. All I want is to be remembered for forgiving when everyone around me thinks its crazy. I want to be remembered as being dependable, sweet, kind, patient, and good with old people and children. I want to be remembered as being a friend to those who don't have friends, even when it might be painful for me because at least then they have someone. It would be nice to be remembered, but I have no idea how/if I will be remembered. That's sometimes a little scary, but it is what it is. The reason I thought about all of this is because of the eulogy scene where the guy that is sick decides that he wants to hear the eulogies that he asked his friends to prepare. I want to hear what people would say in my eulogies, but I don't really want eulogies at my funeral and not many people have the chance to be able to attend their funeral before they die.
So, that is where I'm at.
Monday, October 19, 2015
No Replies Necessary
Today I am having a hard day. Today, I need to vent in a place where I will not see the judgement on everyone's face, and where I will not hear the backlash and get lectured on it later. So, please no replies to today's post. I love you all, I respect your wish to help me and not see me hurt, but sometimes it's okay to just let someone deal with stuff alone. Today, this post, these are one of those times.
I broke up with Fiance Wednesday. I wasn't planning it and I wasn't expecting it but I did. We had planned to hang out. We hung out for awhile, and then he needed to go. Towards the end, while he was driving me back to my car, he was lecturing me about stupid stuff. I was getting irritated and I have been struggling with our relationship for several months now. He ended up asking me (for the millionth time) if I was done fighting.
That is usually his way of letting me know he sees that I am frustrated and that I'm having a hard time attempting to stay in the relationship. That day I was done. He asked if I was done fighting and I said yes. He asked if that meant that we were over, I said yes.
We got to my car and spent the next half hour talking, holding hands, hugging, and he kissed me a few times. I cried, like a lot. Like, a lot a lot. Then I got in my car, he drove away and I sat there for awhile getting to a place where I could be able to see while driving.
I spent the rest of the day crying and being with friends. I only told my brother, Beauty, and my new Roommate. They seem supportive of me but nobody knows what to say to me. I spent the next day sleeping and crying. We continued to talk a little bit and I got a lot of things off my chest because he kept asking questions so I answered them honestly. He went out drinking both nights and texted me the whole time he was out. Friday he ended up calling me and we talked for awhile. He asked more questions and I answered truthfully still. He went out drinking again then came to my apartment drunk. We talked for two or three hours out in his truck. He begged me to take him back. I told him to ask me when he was sober.
He ended up asking me again the next morning. I told him I don't know. We keep talking, he keeps asking "what's the plan?". I keep responding with I don't know. As of right now, we are trying to work things out, but my heart's not in it, he knows that because I've flat out told him so.
New Roommate has been watching me through all of this. A couple weeks ago we were drinking at home and she started asking questions. Those questions ended up revealing that the relationship I have with him is not the healthiest and she is now scared of him. I get it. I would be reacting the same way if I was watching her go through this, but I feel like I am in control. I see what is going on behind the scenes, that she doesn't see, and I know that he and I have had a really rough ride but I know that I can walk away when I need to. I've done it already, I can do it again.
He's upset that the relationship is not the same that it was before we broke up. I told him that I need time to figure stuff out and trust him again. He didn't do anything like cheat on me, I just found some stuff out, that he admitted to, but didn't want to tell me. I feel slighted and stupid. Shit happens.
In church, we're talking about how G-d takes us through wildernesses and then allows things to happen to us to see how we'll react and to see if we will still trust Him. I don't necessarily think this relationship is a wilderness right now, I know that my current situation is largely caused by my poor choices. However, I am reminded of Job and how he was righteous and G-d saw that he was doing well. G-d then allowed him to be tested to ensure that his heart was pure and true. Well, if I am in a wilderness, I do believe I'm probably failing the tests. I'm probably failing all of the tests. My heart is angry, I'm impatient, I don't want to talk to anyone, I was to isolate myself, and I am picking up some habits that are slightly frowned upon. I'm tired guys. Right now, my life is really hard and I feel like I've messed it up beyond repair. I know that G-d can work miracles and fix everything, I'm just not seeing it right now. That's okay, He does everything in His own timing and I await the day when I get to see how He works a miracle through this incredible mess I've made. Unfortunately, I'm not able to hold my breath that long because I've been waiting months and I'm not seeing it. In fact, it's gotten worse over the past couple of months. So, I wait expectantly hoping for a miracle, but riding out the storm I've found myself in.
I'm angry, I feel completely used up, graceless, unforgiving, frustrated, exhausted, irritated, and I wish that I didn't have to live this life. The only thing keeping me going is knowing that I love the L-rd and I hope with all of my heart that this will be over and the L-rd has some kind of purpose for my life. I don't know what the purpose is, I can't even begin to imagine that anything can be made from this disaster. Anything is possible with G-d, He's the only way anything'll work.
I broke up with Fiance Wednesday. I wasn't planning it and I wasn't expecting it but I did. We had planned to hang out. We hung out for awhile, and then he needed to go. Towards the end, while he was driving me back to my car, he was lecturing me about stupid stuff. I was getting irritated and I have been struggling with our relationship for several months now. He ended up asking me (for the millionth time) if I was done fighting.
That is usually his way of letting me know he sees that I am frustrated and that I'm having a hard time attempting to stay in the relationship. That day I was done. He asked if I was done fighting and I said yes. He asked if that meant that we were over, I said yes.
We got to my car and spent the next half hour talking, holding hands, hugging, and he kissed me a few times. I cried, like a lot. Like, a lot a lot. Then I got in my car, he drove away and I sat there for awhile getting to a place where I could be able to see while driving.
I spent the rest of the day crying and being with friends. I only told my brother, Beauty, and my new Roommate. They seem supportive of me but nobody knows what to say to me. I spent the next day sleeping and crying. We continued to talk a little bit and I got a lot of things off my chest because he kept asking questions so I answered them honestly. He went out drinking both nights and texted me the whole time he was out. Friday he ended up calling me and we talked for awhile. He asked more questions and I answered truthfully still. He went out drinking again then came to my apartment drunk. We talked for two or three hours out in his truck. He begged me to take him back. I told him to ask me when he was sober.
He ended up asking me again the next morning. I told him I don't know. We keep talking, he keeps asking "what's the plan?". I keep responding with I don't know. As of right now, we are trying to work things out, but my heart's not in it, he knows that because I've flat out told him so.
New Roommate has been watching me through all of this. A couple weeks ago we were drinking at home and she started asking questions. Those questions ended up revealing that the relationship I have with him is not the healthiest and she is now scared of him. I get it. I would be reacting the same way if I was watching her go through this, but I feel like I am in control. I see what is going on behind the scenes, that she doesn't see, and I know that he and I have had a really rough ride but I know that I can walk away when I need to. I've done it already, I can do it again.
He's upset that the relationship is not the same that it was before we broke up. I told him that I need time to figure stuff out and trust him again. He didn't do anything like cheat on me, I just found some stuff out, that he admitted to, but didn't want to tell me. I feel slighted and stupid. Shit happens.
In church, we're talking about how G-d takes us through wildernesses and then allows things to happen to us to see how we'll react and to see if we will still trust Him. I don't necessarily think this relationship is a wilderness right now, I know that my current situation is largely caused by my poor choices. However, I am reminded of Job and how he was righteous and G-d saw that he was doing well. G-d then allowed him to be tested to ensure that his heart was pure and true. Well, if I am in a wilderness, I do believe I'm probably failing the tests. I'm probably failing all of the tests. My heart is angry, I'm impatient, I don't want to talk to anyone, I was to isolate myself, and I am picking up some habits that are slightly frowned upon. I'm tired guys. Right now, my life is really hard and I feel like I've messed it up beyond repair. I know that G-d can work miracles and fix everything, I'm just not seeing it right now. That's okay, He does everything in His own timing and I await the day when I get to see how He works a miracle through this incredible mess I've made. Unfortunately, I'm not able to hold my breath that long because I've been waiting months and I'm not seeing it. In fact, it's gotten worse over the past couple of months. So, I wait expectantly hoping for a miracle, but riding out the storm I've found myself in.
I'm angry, I feel completely used up, graceless, unforgiving, frustrated, exhausted, irritated, and I wish that I didn't have to live this life. The only thing keeping me going is knowing that I love the L-rd and I hope with all of my heart that this will be over and the L-rd has some kind of purpose for my life. I don't know what the purpose is, I can't even begin to imagine that anything can be made from this disaster. Anything is possible with G-d, He's the only way anything'll work.
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
Marriage
I've been thinking a lot about marriage lately. Marriage isn't about finding the "right" person, it's about learning how to love more unconditionally. We're learning to love how Yeshua (Jesus) loves and how Adonai (G-d) loves us. Good job Eric Church for figuring that one out (song titled: "She Loves Me Like Jesus Does"). None of us can be an absolute "right" person because we all sin. Marriage is about learning how to walk along side someone who is selfish, has bad days, can do/say hurtful things, and otherwise do things that the world tells us we have a "right" to not forgive them for. Is that the model set up in the Bible? Not even a little bit. Look at the profit who married a prostitute. She continued to cheat on him, yet, the L-rd told him to stay with her and love her. He was instructed not to sleep with her, I think, but he was supposed to remain with her. Now, I'm not saying that you stay with your spouse if they are cheating on you, abusing you, or otherwise putting your and/or your family in danger. Seek help, talk to the L-rd, and determine what you are supposed to do. However, time and time again the L-rd tells us to forgive. Yeshua told us to forgive 77x7 times (in other words, continue forgiving. So why would we need to do that for strangers and friends and not for spouses? I have seen so many marriages implode because each spouse starts keeping a tally of what the other person did or didn't do and so they feel justified in not serving the other person as the L-rd serves us. Marriage is only temporary, it's only for our short lives while on earth. Being with the Creator is eternal. Our lives, it seems to me, are not about finding a battle partner and procreation for this life, it is about being molded into people who are more like G-d. Look at David. He was a man after G-d's own heart. He messed up royally, but he repented and worked towards allowing the L-rd to right his wrongs and take control of the situation. He worshiped the L-rd and continued to serve and minister to Him (G-d). David also had wives, concubines, and loads of children, but that is not what his life is about. That is not the picture we see in the snapshots that are kept in the Bible/Tanakh for us to study. Marriage, and life, is about extending forgiveness, grace, kindness, and loving your spouse as much as we love ourselves (or more) because that is how G-d loves us. Yes, marriage is about having a partner and continuing on the human race, but there is so much more than companionship and kids. Love is a choice and it can be a powerful choice.
Isaiah 54 paints a picture of the L-rd forgiving Israel after He had divorced her earlier in Isaiah's book of the Bible. This chapter describes Jerusalem as a woman who is currently childless and a widow, but it tells her to prepare to be "bursting at the seams". She is instructed to expand her house and she is promised a house made of saphires and gems. To me, this chapter sounds like a prophecy. It talks about her being protected in the land they are about to go into (so it is a prophecy that was taking place in their near future) but it also talks about things that are mirrored in Revelation and the other scriptures about how Yeshua is going to prepare a place as a bride-groom prepares a house for His bride. The house sounds like the house in Heaven that is described, and it sounds like what I will call a near-far prophecy. It talks about a government that is just and fair as well as all citizens being taught by G-d (as is said about heaven). It was occurring in Israels near future and also the more distant future. Please, read this chapter for yourself.
Anyway, it talks about G-d's promise of peace never being broken and the L-rd having mercy upon her (his people). It is home of the verse that says, "...in that coming day, no weapon turned against you shall succeed..." It also says the Creator will be Israel's Husband. It specifically states, "For a brief moment I abandoned you. But with great compassion I will take you back. In a moment of anger I turned my face a little while, but with everlasting love I will have pity on you, says the L-rd, your Redeemer." verse 7-8.
Does this form of anger or turning away not sound like how guys, and often women, handle disagreements and fights sometimes? I know that in the fights I have had with Brother, Dad, exboyfriend, fiance, and other men (sometimes even with women), the men tend to need to take a moment to walk away. Having been reading many books on male behavior lately to try to understand fiance's point of view so I can better know how to relate and love him, it has been stated again and again that men often need space to think when women often need to be able to talk about issues for hours, often rehashing the same things over and over, until they feel they have thoroughly looked at every nook and cranny of the issues and they feel there is a satisfactory solution to the issue. In the passage above, G-d is taking time to calm down because He loves His people so dearly, but they messed up really badly. It's almost like G-d was showing women that it is okay for men to need space after an argument to process and calm down because that is how He wired them and sometimes that is what He does too. We are made in His image and both genders have different characteristics that mirror His as well. Dealing with arguments seems like it would not be needed to mirror Him, but we obviously do. But G-d uses the metaphor of marriage to show us how deeply He loves us and how greatly He forgives us even after doing horrendous things. His mercies are unfailing. Marriage, much like many things, are simply a tool He uses to give us tangeable ways to see and experience His love more deeply and to understand a fraction of the pains He feels as He watches and supports us through the earthly adventure, desperately desiring us to be back with Him.
Just some thoughts that I had bouncing around my head for weeks now. I told some of these things to my friends over the past couple days and they told me they are worried about how I view marriage. They tell me that marriage is about finding the right person and if I do that, then everything else will just work out. My thought was that divorce rates are high and I think it is because sometimes divorce is understandable, but sometimes people go into the marriage wanting a happily ever after and life isn't necessarily about happily ever after on Earth. Marriage takes work. The Bible says that your own body is not even yours anymore because you were bound with your spouse so women cannot hold out sex all the time because men have that inherent need for it. That is because that is how G-d wired them to be able to feel loved and so that they can have a place that they can let their guards down. Read "for women only." It was very helpful for me. There is one for men ("for men only") and you can get the set ("for couples only"). I bought them on Amazon and it brought up a whole slew of other books that talks about couples and how each spouse should relate to each other from a Biblical or Christian standpoint. There are probably Messianic books too if you are interested.
Don't take my words as stone, this is merely a quick brain dump before I rush off to clinicals because my Messianic devotional ("The Voice of the Lord") reassured me of my theory that I had just gotten discouraged about after telling my friend about it yesterday. She is a believer but did not like this thought, I feel like it was a G-d revelation though. Oh well.
Isaiah 54 paints a picture of the L-rd forgiving Israel after He had divorced her earlier in Isaiah's book of the Bible. This chapter describes Jerusalem as a woman who is currently childless and a widow, but it tells her to prepare to be "bursting at the seams". She is instructed to expand her house and she is promised a house made of saphires and gems. To me, this chapter sounds like a prophecy. It talks about her being protected in the land they are about to go into (so it is a prophecy that was taking place in their near future) but it also talks about things that are mirrored in Revelation and the other scriptures about how Yeshua is going to prepare a place as a bride-groom prepares a house for His bride. The house sounds like the house in Heaven that is described, and it sounds like what I will call a near-far prophecy. It talks about a government that is just and fair as well as all citizens being taught by G-d (as is said about heaven). It was occurring in Israels near future and also the more distant future. Please, read this chapter for yourself.
Anyway, it talks about G-d's promise of peace never being broken and the L-rd having mercy upon her (his people). It is home of the verse that says, "...in that coming day, no weapon turned against you shall succeed..." It also says the Creator will be Israel's Husband. It specifically states, "For a brief moment I abandoned you. But with great compassion I will take you back. In a moment of anger I turned my face a little while, but with everlasting love I will have pity on you, says the L-rd, your Redeemer." verse 7-8.
Does this form of anger or turning away not sound like how guys, and often women, handle disagreements and fights sometimes? I know that in the fights I have had with Brother, Dad, exboyfriend, fiance, and other men (sometimes even with women), the men tend to need to take a moment to walk away. Having been reading many books on male behavior lately to try to understand fiance's point of view so I can better know how to relate and love him, it has been stated again and again that men often need space to think when women often need to be able to talk about issues for hours, often rehashing the same things over and over, until they feel they have thoroughly looked at every nook and cranny of the issues and they feel there is a satisfactory solution to the issue. In the passage above, G-d is taking time to calm down because He loves His people so dearly, but they messed up really badly. It's almost like G-d was showing women that it is okay for men to need space after an argument to process and calm down because that is how He wired them and sometimes that is what He does too. We are made in His image and both genders have different characteristics that mirror His as well. Dealing with arguments seems like it would not be needed to mirror Him, but we obviously do. But G-d uses the metaphor of marriage to show us how deeply He loves us and how greatly He forgives us even after doing horrendous things. His mercies are unfailing. Marriage, much like many things, are simply a tool He uses to give us tangeable ways to see and experience His love more deeply and to understand a fraction of the pains He feels as He watches and supports us through the earthly adventure, desperately desiring us to be back with Him.
Just some thoughts that I had bouncing around my head for weeks now. I told some of these things to my friends over the past couple days and they told me they are worried about how I view marriage. They tell me that marriage is about finding the right person and if I do that, then everything else will just work out. My thought was that divorce rates are high and I think it is because sometimes divorce is understandable, but sometimes people go into the marriage wanting a happily ever after and life isn't necessarily about happily ever after on Earth. Marriage takes work. The Bible says that your own body is not even yours anymore because you were bound with your spouse so women cannot hold out sex all the time because men have that inherent need for it. That is because that is how G-d wired them to be able to feel loved and so that they can have a place that they can let their guards down. Read "for women only." It was very helpful for me. There is one for men ("for men only") and you can get the set ("for couples only"). I bought them on Amazon and it brought up a whole slew of other books that talks about couples and how each spouse should relate to each other from a Biblical or Christian standpoint. There are probably Messianic books too if you are interested.
Don't take my words as stone, this is merely a quick brain dump before I rush off to clinicals because my Messianic devotional ("The Voice of the Lord") reassured me of my theory that I had just gotten discouraged about after telling my friend about it yesterday. She is a believer but did not like this thought, I feel like it was a G-d revelation though. Oh well.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Intense Weekend, I Could Have Died
I spilled the beans to Boyfriend yesterday about the ultrasound. I am not sure if I started it the right way, but I said everything I wanted to say and left out what I shouldn't have said, like about breaking up with him if it's really bad.
He took it like a champ. I think he saw that I was terrified and he knows I don't cry (hardly ever and NEVER in front of anyone else) but a couple tears threatened to stream down my face. He hugged me and I was able to hide it, so I thought, but he told me it was okay for me to cry. He's a worrier too, and I am not used to relying on anyone else for strength, but somehow I can with him and he stayed strong for me and encouraged me. He told me that we would go through this together and I believe that he will/would stick with me through whatever this is. That's new for me. I'm used to being the strength for my friends and for being there for them through/at doctor appointments and scary life things. I am not equipped to let someone else do that for me but I had one friend come with me to my ultrasound and I spilled my fears to her afterwards. I laid it all out on the table with Boyfriend. Mom has gotten all of the information from the very beginning for stuff that I never talk to anyone about.
When I was on my way to his new house this weekend with Roommate in the passenger's seat next to me, we hit black ice. We were on a paved country highway, I was going about 10 mph under the speed limit and we had just passed a few on-coming cars on the two lane highway (one lane each way). I corrected the car successfully about 3-4 times before we did a 180 and ended up in a ditch backwards. If we had been 10 feet further down the road we would have rolled the car and fell off a 15 foot drop off. If we had been a minute earlier we would have hit the oncoming car and I could have killed both of us and whoever was in that car. If we had been a minute later, we would have gotten hit by a semi truck. Roommate's step-dad and cousin were at their house and they came pulled us out. If they had been looking out of their window, they could have watch the entire thing! That's how close we were to them. Praise the L-rd for His hand on us and the scare of a lifetime but support seconds away. When I got back to their house I decided not to continue on to boyfriend's house and the L-rd whispered to my heart that He wasn't going to let me die just yet. With the health scare I am currently going through, that was surprisingly comforting for the moment and I was able to sleep through the night really well when I hadn't hardly slept the night before.
Last night at work I kind of helped save my patient's life! He was on an IV of 125 mL/hr and had not voided for about 12-18 hours because the doctor had the catheter pulled the day before. This is not logical to me but whatever. The pt has dementia and was combative. When I arrived he started coughing with a really wet cough and spitting out what he coughed up. The nurse was notified and he kept suctioning the pt but did nothing besides that. I had just learned about fluid overload in class so I already had my suspicions. Almost every patient on the floor last night was off the wall! There were bed alarms going off all the time and a bunch of sitter patients without sitters because we just didn't have enough staff and yet we were over staffed according to hospital parameters.
As the night progressed I kept pointing out the cough to my nurse and I kept sitting the patient up so that he could clear his throat, but he should have been NPO because he can't swallow right now. I pointed that out and it was dismissed. At about 0400 I checked the pt's O2 sat because I was curious how he was doing, even though I had just taken vitals an hour before. His O2 was 75%! I called the nurse and was told to slap 2L on him. He went up to 86% so I called again. Half an hour later another nurse comes in and tells me to turn it up. 4L only got him to 89% for a moment and then he started desat-ing really quickly. I run to grab a non-rebreather and cranked it up to 15L but that still only held him at 86-89% with me telling him to cough over and over.
Also at about 0400 we did a bladder scan and it showed he had 1000 mL+ of urine in his bladder. The nurse was called but he didn't come in until 0500. 1600 mL drained in a matter of minutes! The nurse was not in for the rest of the night to check on him even though I had continued to report things and the other CNA's (all of which are nursing students and there were 3 more CNA's in addition to me) told him they thought the pt was fluid overloaded. Nothing got done. When the day shift nurse came on she started to do stuff but quickly got pulled away to another emergency so the day CNA/sitter came in and we took over. She is a student nurse too so we called respiratory therapy and the RT that came up was impressed that two CNA's/Nursing Students handled everything the way that we had and we had gotten to the bottom of it when our nurses were too busy with other stuff.
Thinking back, I should have reported a lot more to my RN or gone to the charge, but it didn't occur to me to do so in the moment. I take a lot of the blame for my pt last night decompensating so much, but if I had not been in nursing school and hadn't checked his O2 an hour after vitals (normally spaced 4 hours apart) then it would have been so much worse. So, I go back and forth between believing it was my fault and being frustrated that I was not listened to. I will trust myself more next time and try to better advocate for my patient. He made it through the night and I am so beyond grateful that the L-rd taught me everything I needed to know in class before experiencing what I did last night. I'll have to tell my professor and clinical instructor about it tomorrow.
Talking to mom this morning, I learned she was diagnosed with endometriosis at about my age. I don't know why she didn't tell me before today, it would have been a handy bit of info about a month ago when I called her with my symptoms... Oh well. She told me she wasn't supposed to be able to have kids. I asked if that made her happy when she found out she was pregnant with me because I had grown up feeling guilty and thinking that I ruined her big life plans because she had a baby and then got married because I was born. She told me she was so excited and very shocked because she didn't think it could happen. I've been crying all day because it was the first time I realized that she wanted me from the very beginning and I have no reason to feel guilty about being born. I don't think I've cried so much since Country Boy died and that's be a year on March 30. Well, except maybe when I had a breakdown last semester and started hyperventilating, but that was still about Country Boy. I cried hardcore for at least 2 hours that day and then it was a pretty constant threat of the damn breaking and me crying at any point after that for a couple days.
She wanted me from the very start. She says I am a miracle because wasn't supposed to get pregnant. Then the doctors wanted her to abort because they thought I had a brain tumor and I wasn't supposed to live past 2. I've been in countless situations where I was supposed to die but I always come out without a scratch. Not even a single broken bone (well, my clavicle was broken when I was born but it fixed up real quick and I can't even tell). I could have died in the near crash this weekend but didn't. The L-rd kept me alive through at least 5 suicide attempts and the last one I had taken 50 pills that were either half ibuprofen and half acetaminophen or all acetaminophen, I can't remember. I know that 10 acetaminophen ended a girl, who was my age when I tried it, in the hospital and she was sicker than a dog when she was brought into the ER. The worst thing that happened to me is that I would sleep for about 14 hours and then wake up really tired.
I don't know why G-d is keeping me around, nor do I understand why He performs so many huge miracles for me all the time, but I'm sure glad He does. He whispered to my heart that he has big plans for me but in true G-d fashion, He won't tell me what those are. That makes me laugh though, every time.
Oh, and Nurse Dee, I don't know if you got my comment on your comment awhile back but I sure wish I could hug you. I don't like giving hugs but I give them to special people. We don't know each other in person, but you are such a blessing to me. Thank you for your continued encouragement and sound advice! I think I have found the balance, for now, between being a little bit worried and keeping busy. I will keep you updated and I will email you if something happens that I need extra support on. Thank you Nurse Dee, I truly appreciate your kindness and support through this past year or two. It means so much to me.
He took it like a champ. I think he saw that I was terrified and he knows I don't cry (hardly ever and NEVER in front of anyone else) but a couple tears threatened to stream down my face. He hugged me and I was able to hide it, so I thought, but he told me it was okay for me to cry. He's a worrier too, and I am not used to relying on anyone else for strength, but somehow I can with him and he stayed strong for me and encouraged me. He told me that we would go through this together and I believe that he will/would stick with me through whatever this is. That's new for me. I'm used to being the strength for my friends and for being there for them through/at doctor appointments and scary life things. I am not equipped to let someone else do that for me but I had one friend come with me to my ultrasound and I spilled my fears to her afterwards. I laid it all out on the table with Boyfriend. Mom has gotten all of the information from the very beginning for stuff that I never talk to anyone about.
When I was on my way to his new house this weekend with Roommate in the passenger's seat next to me, we hit black ice. We were on a paved country highway, I was going about 10 mph under the speed limit and we had just passed a few on-coming cars on the two lane highway (one lane each way). I corrected the car successfully about 3-4 times before we did a 180 and ended up in a ditch backwards. If we had been 10 feet further down the road we would have rolled the car and fell off a 15 foot drop off. If we had been a minute earlier we would have hit the oncoming car and I could have killed both of us and whoever was in that car. If we had been a minute later, we would have gotten hit by a semi truck. Roommate's step-dad and cousin were at their house and they came pulled us out. If they had been looking out of their window, they could have watch the entire thing! That's how close we were to them. Praise the L-rd for His hand on us and the scare of a lifetime but support seconds away. When I got back to their house I decided not to continue on to boyfriend's house and the L-rd whispered to my heart that He wasn't going to let me die just yet. With the health scare I am currently going through, that was surprisingly comforting for the moment and I was able to sleep through the night really well when I hadn't hardly slept the night before.
Last night at work I kind of helped save my patient's life! He was on an IV of 125 mL/hr and had not voided for about 12-18 hours because the doctor had the catheter pulled the day before. This is not logical to me but whatever. The pt has dementia and was combative. When I arrived he started coughing with a really wet cough and spitting out what he coughed up. The nurse was notified and he kept suctioning the pt but did nothing besides that. I had just learned about fluid overload in class so I already had my suspicions. Almost every patient on the floor last night was off the wall! There were bed alarms going off all the time and a bunch of sitter patients without sitters because we just didn't have enough staff and yet we were over staffed according to hospital parameters.
As the night progressed I kept pointing out the cough to my nurse and I kept sitting the patient up so that he could clear his throat, but he should have been NPO because he can't swallow right now. I pointed that out and it was dismissed. At about 0400 I checked the pt's O2 sat because I was curious how he was doing, even though I had just taken vitals an hour before. His O2 was 75%! I called the nurse and was told to slap 2L on him. He went up to 86% so I called again. Half an hour later another nurse comes in and tells me to turn it up. 4L only got him to 89% for a moment and then he started desat-ing really quickly. I run to grab a non-rebreather and cranked it up to 15L but that still only held him at 86-89% with me telling him to cough over and over.
Also at about 0400 we did a bladder scan and it showed he had 1000 mL+ of urine in his bladder. The nurse was called but he didn't come in until 0500. 1600 mL drained in a matter of minutes! The nurse was not in for the rest of the night to check on him even though I had continued to report things and the other CNA's (all of which are nursing students and there were 3 more CNA's in addition to me) told him they thought the pt was fluid overloaded. Nothing got done. When the day shift nurse came on she started to do stuff but quickly got pulled away to another emergency so the day CNA/sitter came in and we took over. She is a student nurse too so we called respiratory therapy and the RT that came up was impressed that two CNA's/Nursing Students handled everything the way that we had and we had gotten to the bottom of it when our nurses were too busy with other stuff.
Thinking back, I should have reported a lot more to my RN or gone to the charge, but it didn't occur to me to do so in the moment. I take a lot of the blame for my pt last night decompensating so much, but if I had not been in nursing school and hadn't checked his O2 an hour after vitals (normally spaced 4 hours apart) then it would have been so much worse. So, I go back and forth between believing it was my fault and being frustrated that I was not listened to. I will trust myself more next time and try to better advocate for my patient. He made it through the night and I am so beyond grateful that the L-rd taught me everything I needed to know in class before experiencing what I did last night. I'll have to tell my professor and clinical instructor about it tomorrow.
Talking to mom this morning, I learned she was diagnosed with endometriosis at about my age. I don't know why she didn't tell me before today, it would have been a handy bit of info about a month ago when I called her with my symptoms... Oh well. She told me she wasn't supposed to be able to have kids. I asked if that made her happy when she found out she was pregnant with me because I had grown up feeling guilty and thinking that I ruined her big life plans because she had a baby and then got married because I was born. She told me she was so excited and very shocked because she didn't think it could happen. I've been crying all day because it was the first time I realized that she wanted me from the very beginning and I have no reason to feel guilty about being born. I don't think I've cried so much since Country Boy died and that's be a year on March 30. Well, except maybe when I had a breakdown last semester and started hyperventilating, but that was still about Country Boy. I cried hardcore for at least 2 hours that day and then it was a pretty constant threat of the damn breaking and me crying at any point after that for a couple days.
She wanted me from the very start. She says I am a miracle because wasn't supposed to get pregnant. Then the doctors wanted her to abort because they thought I had a brain tumor and I wasn't supposed to live past 2. I've been in countless situations where I was supposed to die but I always come out without a scratch. Not even a single broken bone (well, my clavicle was broken when I was born but it fixed up real quick and I can't even tell). I could have died in the near crash this weekend but didn't. The L-rd kept me alive through at least 5 suicide attempts and the last one I had taken 50 pills that were either half ibuprofen and half acetaminophen or all acetaminophen, I can't remember. I know that 10 acetaminophen ended a girl, who was my age when I tried it, in the hospital and she was sicker than a dog when she was brought into the ER. The worst thing that happened to me is that I would sleep for about 14 hours and then wake up really tired.
I don't know why G-d is keeping me around, nor do I understand why He performs so many huge miracles for me all the time, but I'm sure glad He does. He whispered to my heart that he has big plans for me but in true G-d fashion, He won't tell me what those are. That makes me laugh though, every time.
Oh, and Nurse Dee, I don't know if you got my comment on your comment awhile back but I sure wish I could hug you. I don't like giving hugs but I give them to special people. We don't know each other in person, but you are such a blessing to me. Thank you for your continued encouragement and sound advice! I think I have found the balance, for now, between being a little bit worried and keeping busy. I will keep you updated and I will email you if something happens that I need extra support on. Thank you Nurse Dee, I truly appreciate your kindness and support through this past year or two. It means so much to me.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
"So, how do you feel about that?"
It is the point in my nursing school career where I am learning about Mental Health Nursing, aka: Psych Nursing. It's rough. I DON'T DO FEELINGS!!! Plus, it's all been pretty common sense stuff so far and the teacher screwed up my schedule for the first month. My classes are supposed to be Mon-Tues with clinicals on Weds. What does the teacher do for the first month? She's making us come in on Fridays or one Thursday. I made my work schedule so that I would be able to work Thursday night thinking I could sleep and do homework the next day but now I get to be up from 0600 on Thursday to babysit, stay up all night at work, and then sit through a mind numbing lecture for 6-7 hours the next day. Awesome.
My course load is really light this semester so I figured one online class would not be so bad. I could have handled it if I hadn't have had a freaking mental breakdown today after class and then passed out for the rest of the afternoon. I woke up at 11:55 p.m. That would be no problem but I had planned to do an assignment instead of sleep. That assignment was due at 11:59 p.m. I missed it by seconds and I am more than angry because now I have no hopes of getting anything over a B just because I missed one assignment. I also only have 26 points that I can miss for the rest of the semester without then getting no higher than a C. I know it is my fault for not doing it earlier and for also falling asleep instead of finishing my work. I sat down with the intention of resting for just a minute and then I completely crashed into something similar to a drug-induced coma, but I hadn't taken any drugs. Good news, my anxiety level is so freakin' high right now I won't be able to sleep at all for the rest of the night.
Lecture for psych today was suicide. I started crying in class. Just a couple of tears before I got it under control, but I don't cry in public bathrooms let alone in class. Plus, a kid at the university, who was friends with many of the nursing students, committed suicide a couple of days ago so lots of other girls were struggling with the lecture as well. So I came home, ugly cried for a solid hour to the point where I couldn't breathe, and laid on the floor contemplating why after 5 attempts to end my own life (with measures that should have ended it with the first try and even got worse with each try after) G-d allowed me to live with no serious medical issues but Country Boy only needed 1 try to complete his suicide. All the crashes G-d has saved me from, all the medical issues and other circumstances (self-induced and otherwise) that should have killed me over the course of my life, G-d keeps me around. Why? Why do I get spared while my friend loses her husband in a car wreck after only their second anniversary of marriage? Why me? What is it that I am here for that I have to be kept around? What is it that I'm supposed to be here for?
I wasn't going to go into that stuff with you guys, I was just going to vent about the rotten cherry atop my horrendous sundae of an unbelievably awful week.
My course load is really light this semester so I figured one online class would not be so bad. I could have handled it if I hadn't have had a freaking mental breakdown today after class and then passed out for the rest of the afternoon. I woke up at 11:55 p.m. That would be no problem but I had planned to do an assignment instead of sleep. That assignment was due at 11:59 p.m. I missed it by seconds and I am more than angry because now I have no hopes of getting anything over a B just because I missed one assignment. I also only have 26 points that I can miss for the rest of the semester without then getting no higher than a C. I know it is my fault for not doing it earlier and for also falling asleep instead of finishing my work. I sat down with the intention of resting for just a minute and then I completely crashed into something similar to a drug-induced coma, but I hadn't taken any drugs. Good news, my anxiety level is so freakin' high right now I won't be able to sleep at all for the rest of the night.
Lecture for psych today was suicide. I started crying in class. Just a couple of tears before I got it under control, but I don't cry in public bathrooms let alone in class. Plus, a kid at the university, who was friends with many of the nursing students, committed suicide a couple of days ago so lots of other girls were struggling with the lecture as well. So I came home, ugly cried for a solid hour to the point where I couldn't breathe, and laid on the floor contemplating why after 5 attempts to end my own life (with measures that should have ended it with the first try and even got worse with each try after) G-d allowed me to live with no serious medical issues but Country Boy only needed 1 try to complete his suicide. All the crashes G-d has saved me from, all the medical issues and other circumstances (self-induced and otherwise) that should have killed me over the course of my life, G-d keeps me around. Why? Why do I get spared while my friend loses her husband in a car wreck after only their second anniversary of marriage? Why me? What is it that I am here for that I have to be kept around? What is it that I'm supposed to be here for?
I wasn't going to go into that stuff with you guys, I was just going to vent about the rotten cherry atop my horrendous sundae of an unbelievably awful week.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Crazy, Insane Weekend
Folks, there are awkward families... and then there is mine.
Besides all that, my brother dropped a few bombs on me about his own life that have re-stimulated my persistent nausea r/t stress and complete disbelief that this is now what his life has become. Plus, I have been getting super dizzy spells, so that's a bonus. I think it may be orthostatic hypotension caused by possible dehydration and electrolyte imbalances, but it's a wonder I can keep anything down at all with my stomach always in knots anymore.
My cousin is having a baby with his girlfriend. He just graduated high school... His older sister is fixin' to get married come July and just announced that she has been expecting for about 3 months and is due in January. They have another older sister who is just chillin'.
My summer went from me being on top of the world for about a week and a half to being down deeper than the deepest pits in the World. G-d has it all in His hand, I believe that. Goodness, though, it seemed to have all hit me at the exact same time though.
Tomorrow I want to tell you about my good day though! So, stay tuned for that. I promise, G-d blesses me incredibly, sometimes it's just more pronounced once you understand the struggles and obstacles that cross my path. I want you guys to see all of my life, even these really ugly parts because they all make me who I am and they are all tools G-d uses to shape me. Also, I got a new roommate and I'm so beyond stoked about her. She needs a whole blog about her, that's how amazing and excited I am about this rooming situation! Plus, it is totally a work of G-d. You'll see once I tell y'all the story of how it came to be.
Daily Thanksgiving: My day was exponentially better than I anticipated and I got to work with my favorite CNA! G-d is not through with me even though I have been a wayward child.
- My great-grandpa does not know my name, but he yelled at me for not knowing his though he makes no effort to be in my life when I was about 12.
- My Grandma yelled at my brother and I when we were about 3-4 for asking for a penny to get a gumball from her decorative gumball dispenser while simultaneously giving pennies to our cousins.
- My uncle did not know my name yesterday and I'm 20. He has seen me multiple times over the course of my life. In fact, my parents used to rent an apartment from him for the first 9 years of my life and he would come for visits.
- My mom's sister is cool and her youngest is buddies with my brother and I. Her oldest and her husband hardly say 2 words to my mom, my brother, or myself.
- My Grandpa did not recognize my mom because he has not seen her in nearly 8 years. Though I do not blame him for this because my Grandma is abusive and so my mom chooses to not see her mom (Grandma) which means she cannot see her dad (Grandpa).
- Grandpa has been saving the birthday and Christmas money from the past decade of our lives because he sends money to all the other grandkids. As he was walking over to give it to my brother and I, my Grandma takes it from him and acts as though it was her idea. Lady, I saw him pull it out of his pocket and I saw you snatch it from his hands!!!
Besides all that, my brother dropped a few bombs on me about his own life that have re-stimulated my persistent nausea r/t stress and complete disbelief that this is now what his life has become. Plus, I have been getting super dizzy spells, so that's a bonus. I think it may be orthostatic hypotension caused by possible dehydration and electrolyte imbalances, but it's a wonder I can keep anything down at all with my stomach always in knots anymore.
My cousin is having a baby with his girlfriend. He just graduated high school... His older sister is fixin' to get married come July and just announced that she has been expecting for about 3 months and is due in January. They have another older sister who is just chillin'.
My summer went from me being on top of the world for about a week and a half to being down deeper than the deepest pits in the World. G-d has it all in His hand, I believe that. Goodness, though, it seemed to have all hit me at the exact same time though.
Tomorrow I want to tell you about my good day though! So, stay tuned for that. I promise, G-d blesses me incredibly, sometimes it's just more pronounced once you understand the struggles and obstacles that cross my path. I want you guys to see all of my life, even these really ugly parts because they all make me who I am and they are all tools G-d uses to shape me. Also, I got a new roommate and I'm so beyond stoked about her. She needs a whole blog about her, that's how amazing and excited I am about this rooming situation! Plus, it is totally a work of G-d. You'll see once I tell y'all the story of how it came to be.
Daily Thanksgiving: My day was exponentially better than I anticipated and I got to work with my favorite CNA! G-d is not through with me even though I have been a wayward child.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Loose Interpretations
I've been looking on Craigslist for potential roommates because that seemed like a good idea and I have noticed that people have different interpretations of just about everything.
"Huge room with view!" Translation: the bedroom is about 2 inches squared using a generous measuring system and it overlooks the neighbors window.
"Nice house with BRAND NEW appliances." Translation: nothing has been changed since the 1800's and the house could collapse on top of you while you're sleeping.
"Nice neighborhood." Translation: it's in a part of town that even cops refuse to visit.
No, it was not my idea to look for a roomie on CL. I know that it is all sorts of bad ideas because there is no real way to know them and there are murderers and other people waiting to do unsavory things to the poor people that fall into their traps. My friend talked me into it. Let's call her Big Red because she is the tiniest petite little lady I've ever met, but she has red hair. Anyway, that's what she and I did during class this week when my teacher decided to call on me TWICE during the class time. I had no idea what she was asking or what we were doing but I survived. I'm getting better at pretending that I know what I'm doing even though I hardly ever have a clue.
I turned in my letter stating I will be leaving my apartment when my lease is up. That's pretty scary because I have nowhere that I am planning to go, yet... Oh L-rd, I trust You and I REALLY need a place to live with good roommates that won't make life miserable and preferably a lot of space. It would be fantastic if they decided that they liked me and we could be buddies. That would be a miracle. I believe miracles happen and I desperately need several of them... simultaneously... pronto.
G-d doesn't move on our time frames. He's not our genie or Santa Clause or our servant. It's a good thing He isn't because life would be awful and the World would be a huge mess with everyone getting everything they ever wanted whenever they wanted it. Can you imagine? Yikes.
"Huge room with view!" Translation: the bedroom is about 2 inches squared using a generous measuring system and it overlooks the neighbors window.
"Nice house with BRAND NEW appliances." Translation: nothing has been changed since the 1800's and the house could collapse on top of you while you're sleeping.
"Nice neighborhood." Translation: it's in a part of town that even cops refuse to visit.
No, it was not my idea to look for a roomie on CL. I know that it is all sorts of bad ideas because there is no real way to know them and there are murderers and other people waiting to do unsavory things to the poor people that fall into their traps. My friend talked me into it. Let's call her Big Red because she is the tiniest petite little lady I've ever met, but she has red hair. Anyway, that's what she and I did during class this week when my teacher decided to call on me TWICE during the class time. I had no idea what she was asking or what we were doing but I survived. I'm getting better at pretending that I know what I'm doing even though I hardly ever have a clue.
I turned in my letter stating I will be leaving my apartment when my lease is up. That's pretty scary because I have nowhere that I am planning to go, yet... Oh L-rd, I trust You and I REALLY need a place to live with good roommates that won't make life miserable and preferably a lot of space. It would be fantastic if they decided that they liked me and we could be buddies. That would be a miracle. I believe miracles happen and I desperately need several of them... simultaneously... pronto.
G-d doesn't move on our time frames. He's not our genie or Santa Clause or our servant. It's a good thing He isn't because life would be awful and the World would be a huge mess with everyone getting everything they ever wanted whenever they wanted it. Can you imagine? Yikes.
Friday, May 2, 2014
A Wedding Typically Requires Dating...
My mom informed me that she has found a second-hand wedding dress store in the city. She is wedding dress shopping for me. The girl who is slightly broken in the relationship and development areas of life. I believe G-d works miracles and me getting married would be pretty darn close to Him parting the sea for Moses...
Maybe I'll get married to the family friend she is trying to set me up with. Haha, I shouldn't be so cynical but it's a pretty solid coping mechanism for me so far.
Maybe I'll get married to the family friend she is trying to set me up with. Haha, I shouldn't be so cynical but it's a pretty solid coping mechanism for me so far.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Am I going crazy?
I get these cravings to just hear the voice of my mom or my dad on the phone. I would love to run up to them and just be able to talk, but I don't know their schedules and I don't think I really have time for that.
Does anyone else get these "cravings"?
I usually call them with nothing to say. So they talk for a couple minutes, ask why I called, and we agree that they need to go because they're busy and I should probably be finding something to study.
Lately I just keep talking about Country Boy with them. It seemed like my whole world was crashing down around me right after I had heard about him. Last night at church we were informed that an 8th grade boy took his own life earlier this week. I just can't escape this! Y'all, suicide just won't let me out of its grips. I think I'm doing okay and them all of a sudden I crash back down to the pits of remembering what happened just a few weeks ago.
I keep talking to my mom about the fact that everything still reminds me of him. I'm scared that she is getting sick of listening to me retelling the same silly stories over and over again. I try not to talk about it with her, or my family, or my friends because I'm sure they will get burnt out and just avoid me for awhile.
Why can't I move on?
When things start to go bad, I start focusing on the other things in my life that are not what I want. I wanted the NICU job and may have been able to have it if I had gone with the classes that I originally wanted and ended up having to sign up for. 3 days of classes a week instead of 5. I could have gotten the job. My relationship with Best Friend didn't work out and I'm wondering how I will ever be able to have a boyfriend or have a husband because I am a runner. If things get too deep, I run. I see the worst possible outcome and find all sorts of ways to "fix" it which usually ends up with me flying solo and skippin' town. My brother is moving out and the only prospective roommate I had can't afford it and so now I don't know if I will be able to find a place to live or someone to live with in the next couple of months before my lease ends.
I just feel so lonely.
I went to church yesterday and that seemed to remind me that my prayers cannot simply be a laundry list of requests for G-d. I miss His voice. My life went from being okay for a couple of months to me crashing and burning in a split second.
I'm just wondering what G-d has in store for me next. What is it that I'm supposed to be doing? Is there something I'm missing?
Does anyone else get these "cravings"?
I usually call them with nothing to say. So they talk for a couple minutes, ask why I called, and we agree that they need to go because they're busy and I should probably be finding something to study.
Lately I just keep talking about Country Boy with them. It seemed like my whole world was crashing down around me right after I had heard about him. Last night at church we were informed that an 8th grade boy took his own life earlier this week. I just can't escape this! Y'all, suicide just won't let me out of its grips. I think I'm doing okay and them all of a sudden I crash back down to the pits of remembering what happened just a few weeks ago.
I keep talking to my mom about the fact that everything still reminds me of him. I'm scared that she is getting sick of listening to me retelling the same silly stories over and over again. I try not to talk about it with her, or my family, or my friends because I'm sure they will get burnt out and just avoid me for awhile.
Why can't I move on?
When things start to go bad, I start focusing on the other things in my life that are not what I want. I wanted the NICU job and may have been able to have it if I had gone with the classes that I originally wanted and ended up having to sign up for. 3 days of classes a week instead of 5. I could have gotten the job. My relationship with Best Friend didn't work out and I'm wondering how I will ever be able to have a boyfriend or have a husband because I am a runner. If things get too deep, I run. I see the worst possible outcome and find all sorts of ways to "fix" it which usually ends up with me flying solo and skippin' town. My brother is moving out and the only prospective roommate I had can't afford it and so now I don't know if I will be able to find a place to live or someone to live with in the next couple of months before my lease ends.
I just feel so lonely.
I went to church yesterday and that seemed to remind me that my prayers cannot simply be a laundry list of requests for G-d. I miss His voice. My life went from being okay for a couple of months to me crashing and burning in a split second.
I'm just wondering what G-d has in store for me next. What is it that I'm supposed to be doing? Is there something I'm missing?
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Developmental Stages
So, in developmental psych, we have taken a turn and our last class seemed more like an A&P lesson than a psych lesson. Despite my confusion at that matter, we are studying something that interests me a lot. We are discussing and learning about the different developmental stages in pubescence.
You know the ones (probably), right? They were super awkward to talk about but they were likely covered in sex ed in elementary/middles school. I woudn't know, my parents didn't allow me to go to sex ed. Instead, I got to chill with the librarians in the print shop. The entire grade (all 4 classes) knew I was the ONLY kid not in that class. But, hey, I didn't like those kids anyway. You know, it makes me laugh that my parents kept me from sex ed, but at this point in my life I have seen more penises, butts, and other actual unmentionable things than I ever would have guessed. I'm a straight up virgin (I was even a dating virgin until I made the idiot choice to ruin my friendship with Best Friend). Regardless, nursing school stole my innocence and yet I'm still innocent. I know all about sex. Well, the anatomy, physiology, hormone, and other simple scientific/medical stuff. I've probably handled more guy's junk than culturally acceptable. I have grown far beyond my years because I have been put in positions of care giving for people who are elders and I'm only 20. Never would I have guessed that this would be where I ended up at this point in my life. I never realized you see so many people naked in nursing. It just doesn't even phase me anymore. Granted, I probably would if it was a friend or my new husband, but perfect strangers could run around in their birthday suits all the day long and I would be fine. Me, on the other hand, refuse to show any more skin than my hands, neck, and most of my face. I'm a hypocrite, what can I say?
I'm getting off subject. The whole development, "puberty" thing has always fascinated me. Can I admit something to y'all? I'm also obsessed with sex but from a purely medical curiosity. Truly, I'm not just saying that. It is fascinating that G-d designed all of this stuff to happen to our bodies so that eventually, two people can produce 1+ more other people (depending on participation, circumstances, etc). He made chemicals to attract us to each other and more chemicals to make us feel "love." He created women to house the offspring until they were hopefully developed enough to breath independently and survive as their own little being. That's only the beginning! There is so much more to all of this stuff and it all begins with hormones fueling the growth of gonads and such. I mean, this stuff is so intricate and amazing! These are the types of things that take my breath away. For some people, it's mountains, sunrises/sunsets, the ocean, outer space, or what-have-you. Personally, it is the intricate nature in which we were designed to carry on life and produce more life.
Wow.
That brings me to a weird point: According to my book's chart of when certain parts and pieces of us are supposed to develop, breast development should be completed around age 16 (on average.) Read this over and let me know what you think of their findings. Now, everything is based off of average and there are always exceptions. However, these time frames just seem odd to me.
Full breast growth at age 16!? Is that what most people have found? Menarche at 12.5? Yikes. I didn't have this childhood...
You know the ones (probably), right? They were super awkward to talk about but they were likely covered in sex ed in elementary/middles school. I woudn't know, my parents didn't allow me to go to sex ed. Instead, I got to chill with the librarians in the print shop. The entire grade (all 4 classes) knew I was the ONLY kid not in that class. But, hey, I didn't like those kids anyway. You know, it makes me laugh that my parents kept me from sex ed, but at this point in my life I have seen more penises, butts, and other actual unmentionable things than I ever would have guessed. I'm a straight up virgin (I was even a dating virgin until I made the idiot choice to ruin my friendship with Best Friend). Regardless, nursing school stole my innocence and yet I'm still innocent. I know all about sex. Well, the anatomy, physiology, hormone, and other simple scientific/medical stuff. I've probably handled more guy's junk than culturally acceptable. I have grown far beyond my years because I have been put in positions of care giving for people who are elders and I'm only 20. Never would I have guessed that this would be where I ended up at this point in my life. I never realized you see so many people naked in nursing. It just doesn't even phase me anymore. Granted, I probably would if it was a friend or my new husband, but perfect strangers could run around in their birthday suits all the day long and I would be fine. Me, on the other hand, refuse to show any more skin than my hands, neck, and most of my face. I'm a hypocrite, what can I say?
I'm getting off subject. The whole development, "puberty" thing has always fascinated me. Can I admit something to y'all? I'm also obsessed with sex but from a purely medical curiosity. Truly, I'm not just saying that. It is fascinating that G-d designed all of this stuff to happen to our bodies so that eventually, two people can produce 1+ more other people (depending on participation, circumstances, etc). He made chemicals to attract us to each other and more chemicals to make us feel "love." He created women to house the offspring until they were hopefully developed enough to breath independently and survive as their own little being. That's only the beginning! There is so much more to all of this stuff and it all begins with hormones fueling the growth of gonads and such. I mean, this stuff is so intricate and amazing! These are the types of things that take my breath away. For some people, it's mountains, sunrises/sunsets, the ocean, outer space, or what-have-you. Personally, it is the intricate nature in which we were designed to carry on life and produce more life.
Wow.
That brings me to a weird point: According to my book's chart of when certain parts and pieces of us are supposed to develop, breast development should be completed around age 16 (on average.) Read this over and let me know what you think of their findings. Now, everything is based off of average and there are always exceptions. However, these time frames just seem odd to me.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Stages of Loss and Grief: Anger
Over the past couple of days, I go through most of the stages in a cycle of about 15-25 minutes. I could almost set my watch to it.
Yesterday was Country Boy's birthday. For the past few days I've been checking my phone like crazy waiting for his text. This isn't new. Checking my phone and waiting for his text is something I've been trying to break the habit of for about 9 months. I couldn't ever kick it, not even now that I know that it will never come again.
I expected his birthday to be harder. I also expected to be able to tell my friends and talk through some of it with them. In the end, the day was a gorgeous spring day that I wished I could spend with him. My friends and I had a test that they left right after and I never got to talk about it with them. I told another girl who didn't know my background with him, but it lifted a little weight to be able to tell a peer instead of just my parents knowing about it. In these last two days, I have had probably 4-5 phone calls with my parents consisting mostly of telling them how much I wish he hadn't done it and then crying on the phone while my parents just sit there and try to console me.
I got angry yesterday. That's why I started this post, but I had forgotten with the course of my thought cycle. I got mad that he killed himself. I got angry that he never gave me a chance to talk him through it. I never got to tell him my story of near suicide attempts.
Then I got an email. I had applied and interviewed for a NICU CNA position. They decided to go with someone else. I totally understand that that person likely would be able to fill the hours they needed, and she probably fit their staffing culture better. But I got angry with myself for bombing the interview. I went on this whole thing about hoping to learn as much as I could and they kept circling back to how CNA's main focus is stocking and taking phone calls. I told them about how I was scared that my schedule might not fit in with theirs because I could only work Sundays and they saw that as I wouldn't be able to help out. I told them I wanted them to know that I would be able to work the 1 day a week they required during the school semester, but I don't think they fully understood what I was saying. Naturally, I then got angry at myself for that whole mess because I am pretty sure that they would never give me another chance to interview and their posting only come up maybe once a year for the NICU CNA position.
I also got angry at myself for going out with Best Friend. If I wouldn't have done that, then Country Boy would have come bowling with us 2 weeks prior to his death. Maybe he would have seen that he has friends. Or, I would have potentially gone to hang out with him when he offered. I would have been able to talk to him those 6 weeks when Best Friend and I were going out instead of blocking him to prevent BF from getting jealous that his girlfriend was texting another dude that she may/may not have had a thing for. Country Boy was so much more similar to me than BF was and BF admitted that he was hugely jealous. Maybe he and I could have spent Spring Break together and done something when we had a day off together. Maybe I wouldn't feel so guilty and terribly lonely that I have neither Best Friend nor Country Boy right now because I went against G-d's will and what He had told me to do years ago. I know G-d doesn't do the guilt killing thing like what happened here, but the timing of everything has got my brain going wild. I can't seem to shut it off anymore.
At that point, I gave up being productive, grabbed my blanket and water bottle and bunkered down on the couch. I took a couple of Tylenol PM and fell asleep at 1600 (4 p.m.) and didn't wake up until 0700 the next day (today). I promise I won't go down the pills road again, I remember how much that messed me up and how close I was to suicide. Being on the other end of a suicide, I don't ever want to do that to anyone EVER. I just don't know how I'm supposed to go on functioning normally seeing as I have papers and tests and life happening but I can't stop thinking about my Country Boy. I had such big plans for us this summer and next fall he was going to take me hunting. He would have been 20 yesterday and I wanted to tell him how much I already didn't like this year. Now it's turned from minor irritation at no longer being a teen to a majorly tragic year. I'm only 2 weeks in...
Yesterday was Country Boy's birthday. For the past few days I've been checking my phone like crazy waiting for his text. This isn't new. Checking my phone and waiting for his text is something I've been trying to break the habit of for about 9 months. I couldn't ever kick it, not even now that I know that it will never come again.
I expected his birthday to be harder. I also expected to be able to tell my friends and talk through some of it with them. In the end, the day was a gorgeous spring day that I wished I could spend with him. My friends and I had a test that they left right after and I never got to talk about it with them. I told another girl who didn't know my background with him, but it lifted a little weight to be able to tell a peer instead of just my parents knowing about it. In these last two days, I have had probably 4-5 phone calls with my parents consisting mostly of telling them how much I wish he hadn't done it and then crying on the phone while my parents just sit there and try to console me.
I got angry yesterday. That's why I started this post, but I had forgotten with the course of my thought cycle. I got mad that he killed himself. I got angry that he never gave me a chance to talk him through it. I never got to tell him my story of near suicide attempts.
Then I got an email. I had applied and interviewed for a NICU CNA position. They decided to go with someone else. I totally understand that that person likely would be able to fill the hours they needed, and she probably fit their staffing culture better. But I got angry with myself for bombing the interview. I went on this whole thing about hoping to learn as much as I could and they kept circling back to how CNA's main focus is stocking and taking phone calls. I told them about how I was scared that my schedule might not fit in with theirs because I could only work Sundays and they saw that as I wouldn't be able to help out. I told them I wanted them to know that I would be able to work the 1 day a week they required during the school semester, but I don't think they fully understood what I was saying. Naturally, I then got angry at myself for that whole mess because I am pretty sure that they would never give me another chance to interview and their posting only come up maybe once a year for the NICU CNA position.
I also got angry at myself for going out with Best Friend. If I wouldn't have done that, then Country Boy would have come bowling with us 2 weeks prior to his death. Maybe he would have seen that he has friends. Or, I would have potentially gone to hang out with him when he offered. I would have been able to talk to him those 6 weeks when Best Friend and I were going out instead of blocking him to prevent BF from getting jealous that his girlfriend was texting another dude that she may/may not have had a thing for. Country Boy was so much more similar to me than BF was and BF admitted that he was hugely jealous. Maybe he and I could have spent Spring Break together and done something when we had a day off together. Maybe I wouldn't feel so guilty and terribly lonely that I have neither Best Friend nor Country Boy right now because I went against G-d's will and what He had told me to do years ago. I know G-d doesn't do the guilt killing thing like what happened here, but the timing of everything has got my brain going wild. I can't seem to shut it off anymore.
At that point, I gave up being productive, grabbed my blanket and water bottle and bunkered down on the couch. I took a couple of Tylenol PM and fell asleep at 1600 (4 p.m.) and didn't wake up until 0700 the next day (today). I promise I won't go down the pills road again, I remember how much that messed me up and how close I was to suicide. Being on the other end of a suicide, I don't ever want to do that to anyone EVER. I just don't know how I'm supposed to go on functioning normally seeing as I have papers and tests and life happening but I can't stop thinking about my Country Boy. I had such big plans for us this summer and next fall he was going to take me hunting. He would have been 20 yesterday and I wanted to tell him how much I already didn't like this year. Now it's turned from minor irritation at no longer being a teen to a majorly tragic year. I'm only 2 weeks in...
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Shiftin' Gears
I'm going to start with a confession. Several really, but the main one is that I like to shift really fast in my manual car when I am stressed. For some reason it helps me blow off some steam. I don't go fast enough that I get a "fast driving award" (my uncle's name for a speeding ticket), I just shift faster than all of the automatic cars next to me and I feel like a boss!
So, coming home from my parent's house yesterday, I was frustrated because I had been on the highway for about an hour in traffic, then I got stuck behind some joker who decided to go 10 mph under the speed limit and then just had to get off on MY exit. Yes, I know how selfish and irrational that is, but don't tell me you don't have them thoughts too! Anywho, we were then both turning left. Fortunately, there were two separate turning lanes. I get past them just to meet them again at another red light. L-rd, what are you doing to me? I'm just trying to get home so that I can change to get to church on time!!! As my blood started boiling at this silly red light, I crank up the tunes and get ready for green. When that green light came I was first through the intersection until some little blue car that looked like it was actually supposed to be able to go that fast passed me up. We were so far in front of anyone else that it didn't matter anymore and so I got up to speed and just kept driving as normal. Awhile later I needed into the lane they were in. I noticed that they slowed from their racing pace and the passenger was waving out of the moon roof. I figured they were waving at the car next to them, so I didn't think anything of it when they stuck their arm out the window and brought it back in about 4 times. When I got to my turn off, they slowed their car, got next to mine and rolled down the passenger window! Oh my gosh! I don't know what they were doing, but they were some cute guys and I'm hopin' they were surprised that it was a girl in a redneck lookin' SUV shiftin' as smooth and as quick as I was. I don't know about flirting in any capacity, but they way that guy was lookin' at me, I'm thinkin' he may have been flirt-waving at me... They may have also been waving at me because they beat me. I don't know.
Anyway, I am hoping it was the first reason because it made me feel pretty darn cool that my little car almost beat their actual racing car and then they realized that I'm a girl. I didn't wave back because I was so shocked, but I gave the guy riding shotgun a bit of a smile.
I can't believe I almost forgot to tell y'all that story!
Another confession is that it made me feel pretty good after my break up. This whole relationship has made me feel so unstable. I knew I have chronic depression, severe anxiety, and possibly some other psychological problems and I knew that that was something I would need to work on before I ever started anything with anyone, regardless of how well they knew me beforehand. Along with everything else that I ignored about a month and a half ago, I ignored that. So, when I was strapped into this roller-coaster with another human, I realized how nuts I actually am instead of being able to down-play it the way I normally do. Now that we've broken up, and even during our time "together," I was wondering if I would ever be able to have an actual relationship that leads to a marriage and the rest of my life spent with someone. I still don't know if that is possible, but I am still highly unnerved because I learned so much about myself and it's not good stuff. I never realized how selfish, unstable, weird, nerdy, selfish, quirky, difficult, selfish, lonely, independent, selfish, judgmental, hypocritical, selfish, and ridiculous I am. Yes, I threw selfish in there several times, but even that is a conservative estimate of how selfish I actually am. Those are also just the easy examples that come to mind right now, there is a laundry list of thousands of terrible personality traits I discovered about myself. It's been a rough month and a half. Good news, though, I was wondering if G-d had been telling me to get rid of my kissing policy, turns out He hasn't. So, I am so glad that I didn't do that in this relationship. He was just being quite to see what I would do... I don't like it when He does that...
So, coming home from my parent's house yesterday, I was frustrated because I had been on the highway for about an hour in traffic, then I got stuck behind some joker who decided to go 10 mph under the speed limit and then just had to get off on MY exit. Yes, I know how selfish and irrational that is, but don't tell me you don't have them thoughts too! Anywho, we were then both turning left. Fortunately, there were two separate turning lanes. I get past them just to meet them again at another red light. L-rd, what are you doing to me? I'm just trying to get home so that I can change to get to church on time!!! As my blood started boiling at this silly red light, I crank up the tunes and get ready for green. When that green light came I was first through the intersection until some little blue car that looked like it was actually supposed to be able to go that fast passed me up. We were so far in front of anyone else that it didn't matter anymore and so I got up to speed and just kept driving as normal. Awhile later I needed into the lane they were in. I noticed that they slowed from their racing pace and the passenger was waving out of the moon roof. I figured they were waving at the car next to them, so I didn't think anything of it when they stuck their arm out the window and brought it back in about 4 times. When I got to my turn off, they slowed their car, got next to mine and rolled down the passenger window! Oh my gosh! I don't know what they were doing, but they were some cute guys and I'm hopin' they were surprised that it was a girl in a redneck lookin' SUV shiftin' as smooth and as quick as I was. I don't know about flirting in any capacity, but they way that guy was lookin' at me, I'm thinkin' he may have been flirt-waving at me... They may have also been waving at me because they beat me. I don't know.
Anyway, I am hoping it was the first reason because it made me feel pretty darn cool that my little car almost beat their actual racing car and then they realized that I'm a girl. I didn't wave back because I was so shocked, but I gave the guy riding shotgun a bit of a smile.
I can't believe I almost forgot to tell y'all that story!
Another confession is that it made me feel pretty good after my break up. This whole relationship has made me feel so unstable. I knew I have chronic depression, severe anxiety, and possibly some other psychological problems and I knew that that was something I would need to work on before I ever started anything with anyone, regardless of how well they knew me beforehand. Along with everything else that I ignored about a month and a half ago, I ignored that. So, when I was strapped into this roller-coaster with another human, I realized how nuts I actually am instead of being able to down-play it the way I normally do. Now that we've broken up, and even during our time "together," I was wondering if I would ever be able to have an actual relationship that leads to a marriage and the rest of my life spent with someone. I still don't know if that is possible, but I am still highly unnerved because I learned so much about myself and it's not good stuff. I never realized how selfish, unstable, weird, nerdy, selfish, quirky, difficult, selfish, lonely, independent, selfish, judgmental, hypocritical, selfish, and ridiculous I am. Yes, I threw selfish in there several times, but even that is a conservative estimate of how selfish I actually am. Those are also just the easy examples that come to mind right now, there is a laundry list of thousands of terrible personality traits I discovered about myself. It's been a rough month and a half. Good news, though, I was wondering if G-d had been telling me to get rid of my kissing policy, turns out He hasn't. So, I am so glad that I didn't do that in this relationship. He was just being quite to see what I would do... I don't like it when He does that...
Baby Fever?
After recently breaking up with my best friend turned boyfriend, I went home for a few days. That was not because of the break-up, but because I was actually technically on spring break but had to work a ridiculous amount.
My 3 days of spring break end today and they were nice but not enough. I got to hang out with my dog and my family threw me an early, mini birthday celebration. I turn 20 this year and I am not particularly pleased about that. I don't quite understand why I don't want to turn 20. Is it that I may miss being a teen? Perhaps I think I haven't done enough with my "pre-adult" life? There are a plethora of other reasons as to why I dread every birthday, but this one in particular is already proving to be rough and it hasn't even occurred yet. Needless to say, I HATE birthdays and wish I could travel to some place with a beach, a younger drinking age, and somewhere where nobody knows me. Instead, I get to go to clinicals after taking a nap due to the time it takes to write those dreadful care plans. It's bound to be a fantastic freaking day.
Well, I've gotten slightly off track with this post... when does that not happen?
This post was supposed to be about the dream I had last night. Now, please keep judging to a minimum. Actually, you can do what you please because I can't control you and shouldn't try to tell you what to do. :)
Last night, I dreamed that I had a baby. My dream skipped the whole pregnancy and started with me being handed a baby. I was instructed to begin nursing it and I realized I had no idea what I was doing. My mom told me to feed it at 1 and 4. Why only twice? I have no clue. None of this dream made sense. Then I was asked if he looked like the dad or like me. I replied that I didn't know who the dad was because I am not in a relationship and I'm not married. Two guys came to mind though. Country Boy and Best Friend (that I just broke things off with in real life.) I also decided to name the sweet little guy. I couldn't decide a first name, but I wanted his middle name to be Peniel (pronounced PEN-yell) and it means "Face or vision of G-d, that G-d sees." Then I started trying to think of Biblical names or a place to find a good name in the Bible (this was all in my dream.) It went on for a bit longer. It was mainly me feeding him and trying to get my dad to hold him even though he kept refusing.
I don't understand this at all. Why am I having dreams about having babies? I have a lot of these dreams. Do I look more into this whole thing or just ignore them as simply being random pieces of my unconscious that leak into my sleeping state that I may/may not remember in the morning? Seriously, what is this!?!
On a similar note, I have been craving interaction with Country Boy. Folks, I need someone to come and slap me out of this nonsense. I break up with one guy because I can see that our values are not matching and because I am not ready to be tied to another human being. I then turn around and start praying for what I think I want in a husband. I tell G-d that I'm not ready but at the same time I desperately want to find who He wants for me, if there is such a person. Why am I so fickle and continue to flip-flop like this? I say that people drive me nuts, but I make myself more crazy than anyone else ever could. If only I could get away from myself and just reset all of this junk that gets started in my head!
My 3 days of spring break end today and they were nice but not enough. I got to hang out with my dog and my family threw me an early, mini birthday celebration. I turn 20 this year and I am not particularly pleased about that. I don't quite understand why I don't want to turn 20. Is it that I may miss being a teen? Perhaps I think I haven't done enough with my "pre-adult" life? There are a plethora of other reasons as to why I dread every birthday, but this one in particular is already proving to be rough and it hasn't even occurred yet. Needless to say, I HATE birthdays and wish I could travel to some place with a beach, a younger drinking age, and somewhere where nobody knows me. Instead, I get to go to clinicals after taking a nap due to the time it takes to write those dreadful care plans. It's bound to be a fantastic freaking day.
Well, I've gotten slightly off track with this post... when does that not happen?
This post was supposed to be about the dream I had last night. Now, please keep judging to a minimum. Actually, you can do what you please because I can't control you and shouldn't try to tell you what to do. :)
Last night, I dreamed that I had a baby. My dream skipped the whole pregnancy and started with me being handed a baby. I was instructed to begin nursing it and I realized I had no idea what I was doing. My mom told me to feed it at 1 and 4. Why only twice? I have no clue. None of this dream made sense. Then I was asked if he looked like the dad or like me. I replied that I didn't know who the dad was because I am not in a relationship and I'm not married. Two guys came to mind though. Country Boy and Best Friend (that I just broke things off with in real life.) I also decided to name the sweet little guy. I couldn't decide a first name, but I wanted his middle name to be Peniel (pronounced PEN-yell) and it means "Face or vision of G-d, that G-d sees." Then I started trying to think of Biblical names or a place to find a good name in the Bible (this was all in my dream.) It went on for a bit longer. It was mainly me feeding him and trying to get my dad to hold him even though he kept refusing.
I don't understand this at all. Why am I having dreams about having babies? I have a lot of these dreams. Do I look more into this whole thing or just ignore them as simply being random pieces of my unconscious that leak into my sleeping state that I may/may not remember in the morning? Seriously, what is this!?!
On a similar note, I have been craving interaction with Country Boy. Folks, I need someone to come and slap me out of this nonsense. I break up with one guy because I can see that our values are not matching and because I am not ready to be tied to another human being. I then turn around and start praying for what I think I want in a husband. I tell G-d that I'm not ready but at the same time I desperately want to find who He wants for me, if there is such a person. Why am I so fickle and continue to flip-flop like this? I say that people drive me nuts, but I make myself more crazy than anyone else ever could. If only I could get away from myself and just reset all of this junk that gets started in my head!
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
G-d has a sense of humor!
Have y'all discovered this yet? From people stripped down buck naked in the Bible to the things He allows to happen in your life so that you look up to Him, He has a sense of humor.
This post is about a verse He laid on my heart tonight. I don't know how He speaks to you, but He usually gives me the "address" of a verse in the Word to go read. Sometimes it's just a verse and sometimes it is the whole book, just depends. Regardless of what is going on, these verses always hit right on what I am going through whether it be joyous, angering, or what-have-you. Tonight, however, He gave me a single verse.
A little background: Since deciding to "date" my best friend (a guy) from last year, I have been in rough shape. My anxiety has increased several times over. I'm having panic attacks all the time. My brain is unable to focus. I keep thinking of worse case scenarios where I can't win no matter how hard I think about finding a solution. All of this is because I don't want to break his heart. I've known from the beginning (because G-d told be at the start) that we would not be able to work out together. It's simple logistics. He's one political party and I am the complete opposite. He's okay being in the city and I despise it. He is all gum drops and rainbows while I am extremely pessimistic and cynical... on a good day. He LOVES all the mushy-gushy, lovey-dovey nonsense that makes my skin crawl. Last, but certainly not least, he lives for Christmas while I spend all year figuring out how to survive it without having a major throw-down with every cashier wishing me a "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!" Now, everyone tells me "opposites attract". So what? That doesn't mean they should stay together. In our case, our complete polar opposites works really good for a friendship. It does not work as anything beyond that.
So why did I decide to jump into this train wreck? Good question. I listened to the World instead of to what G-d told me about 5-7 years ago. He told me to wait. He told me that it was possible to marry the first boy I ever really date without kissing him until our wedding day and the marriage could be blessed. He told me the boundaries to keep and He has been giving me hints of what I need in a man that would eventually become my husband. Then I listened to that, while still having my human doubts about everything that sounds too good to be true. I listened for several years while also praying that I would be able to meet my future husband that particular year. This year was no different.
But then I listened to the World. My friends were all rooting for us, but I believe that is because they are living vicariously through us. My mom thought it would be a good idea to get some experience with a boyfriend. My mentor (who is a believer and supports my Messianic beliefs) believed I needed to experience all college has to offer, including the "fun" of being attached to another person. My best friend (the guy) thought that it would be fun and exciting. Granted, he is extremely biased because he is on the receiving end of this deal. No matter who I talked to, or how much I explained my reasoning's for refraining from dating, everyone in the World that I talked to told me to jump in and roll with it. Even the pastor at my church started talking about "walking in faith".
Guess what? EVERYONE OF THE WORLD LIED!!! It'll be fun they said. It'll be a good experience, they said. It won't hurt, they said. It's exciting, they said. Bologna! I don't know that I have ever been so anxious or fallen back into my depression so fast as I did when I agreed to this. No joke and I'm not exaggerating. This whole thing makes me feel like I'm seriously broken in the head because everyone around me is excited for this whole thing to go down and I am dreading every waking moment. Then, when I'm asleep, I have bad dreams about it. Movies and TV shows say that it is so great to be in a relationship. Blah, blah, blah. So far, this is less than ideal.
Despite all of this, I believe that G-d can allow me to be excited one day for the man that I am supposed to marry. Maybe at that time, I will no longer be broken and G-d can show me a deeper version of the love He has for us by allowing me to experience dating and marriage on His time and not on mine.
To get back to the verse, though, He gave me one that I couldn't help but laugh at. I was already in bed with all the lights off, reading the Word while I start to fall asleep. However, upon reading this verse, I couldn't help but wake myself back up so that I could talk about and share it with y'all. He gave it to me after I had been pleading with Him to allow my best friend to decide to break up with me on his own. That's when the Ruach HaKodesh (Hebrew for Holy Spirit) reminded me that G-d allows us to screw up so that He can teach us some lessons in the midst of being frustrated and punishing ourselves for being foolish. It was impressed upon me to be thankful for the lessons and listen for what G-d wants to tell me. So, I thanked Him repeatedly and waited for a verse.
Moments later I received the verse Proverbs 5:13. It says: "I ignored what my teachers said, I didn't listen to my instructors." In my case, I listened to my teachers and instructors of this world instead of listening to the Teacher and my only Instructor. Just because people go to church and you trust them doesn't mean that they know what G-d has in store for you. They have no real way of knowing that unless G-d shows or tells them. Chances are, they are giving you advice from their own experiences and learning but you need to run that all past G-d before acting on their instruction. To make it even easier, don't sample from several people before you find an answer you like. I did that and got no answers that I liked or that I agreed with, but I followed them anyway and now I am paying for it. Just pray and ask G-d about everything. He will answer you but sometimes you have to be patient. Also remember to Praise G-d in the storm and not just when things are hunky dory.
This post is about a verse He laid on my heart tonight. I don't know how He speaks to you, but He usually gives me the "address" of a verse in the Word to go read. Sometimes it's just a verse and sometimes it is the whole book, just depends. Regardless of what is going on, these verses always hit right on what I am going through whether it be joyous, angering, or what-have-you. Tonight, however, He gave me a single verse.
A little background: Since deciding to "date" my best friend (a guy) from last year, I have been in rough shape. My anxiety has increased several times over. I'm having panic attacks all the time. My brain is unable to focus. I keep thinking of worse case scenarios where I can't win no matter how hard I think about finding a solution. All of this is because I don't want to break his heart. I've known from the beginning (because G-d told be at the start) that we would not be able to work out together. It's simple logistics. He's one political party and I am the complete opposite. He's okay being in the city and I despise it. He is all gum drops and rainbows while I am extremely pessimistic and cynical... on a good day. He LOVES all the mushy-gushy, lovey-dovey nonsense that makes my skin crawl. Last, but certainly not least, he lives for Christmas while I spend all year figuring out how to survive it without having a major throw-down with every cashier wishing me a "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!" Now, everyone tells me "opposites attract". So what? That doesn't mean they should stay together. In our case, our complete polar opposites works really good for a friendship. It does not work as anything beyond that.
So why did I decide to jump into this train wreck? Good question. I listened to the World instead of to what G-d told me about 5-7 years ago. He told me to wait. He told me that it was possible to marry the first boy I ever really date without kissing him until our wedding day and the marriage could be blessed. He told me the boundaries to keep and He has been giving me hints of what I need in a man that would eventually become my husband. Then I listened to that, while still having my human doubts about everything that sounds too good to be true. I listened for several years while also praying that I would be able to meet my future husband that particular year. This year was no different.
But then I listened to the World. My friends were all rooting for us, but I believe that is because they are living vicariously through us. My mom thought it would be a good idea to get some experience with a boyfriend. My mentor (who is a believer and supports my Messianic beliefs) believed I needed to experience all college has to offer, including the "fun" of being attached to another person. My best friend (the guy) thought that it would be fun and exciting. Granted, he is extremely biased because he is on the receiving end of this deal. No matter who I talked to, or how much I explained my reasoning's for refraining from dating, everyone in the World that I talked to told me to jump in and roll with it. Even the pastor at my church started talking about "walking in faith".
Guess what? EVERYONE OF THE WORLD LIED!!! It'll be fun they said. It'll be a good experience, they said. It won't hurt, they said. It's exciting, they said. Bologna! I don't know that I have ever been so anxious or fallen back into my depression so fast as I did when I agreed to this. No joke and I'm not exaggerating. This whole thing makes me feel like I'm seriously broken in the head because everyone around me is excited for this whole thing to go down and I am dreading every waking moment. Then, when I'm asleep, I have bad dreams about it. Movies and TV shows say that it is so great to be in a relationship. Blah, blah, blah. So far, this is less than ideal.
Despite all of this, I believe that G-d can allow me to be excited one day for the man that I am supposed to marry. Maybe at that time, I will no longer be broken and G-d can show me a deeper version of the love He has for us by allowing me to experience dating and marriage on His time and not on mine.
To get back to the verse, though, He gave me one that I couldn't help but laugh at. I was already in bed with all the lights off, reading the Word while I start to fall asleep. However, upon reading this verse, I couldn't help but wake myself back up so that I could talk about and share it with y'all. He gave it to me after I had been pleading with Him to allow my best friend to decide to break up with me on his own. That's when the Ruach HaKodesh (Hebrew for Holy Spirit) reminded me that G-d allows us to screw up so that He can teach us some lessons in the midst of being frustrated and punishing ourselves for being foolish. It was impressed upon me to be thankful for the lessons and listen for what G-d wants to tell me. So, I thanked Him repeatedly and waited for a verse.
Moments later I received the verse Proverbs 5:13. It says: "I ignored what my teachers said, I didn't listen to my instructors." In my case, I listened to my teachers and instructors of this world instead of listening to the Teacher and my only Instructor. Just because people go to church and you trust them doesn't mean that they know what G-d has in store for you. They have no real way of knowing that unless G-d shows or tells them. Chances are, they are giving you advice from their own experiences and learning but you need to run that all past G-d before acting on their instruction. To make it even easier, don't sample from several people before you find an answer you like. I did that and got no answers that I liked or that I agreed with, but I followed them anyway and now I am paying for it. Just pray and ask G-d about everything. He will answer you but sometimes you have to be patient. Also remember to Praise G-d in the storm and not just when things are hunky dory.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Trying Something New...
If you've followed me for any length of time, you probably know that I am neurotic and really weird when it comes to dating. I wasn't planning on dating until later into my college career but my plans have changed.
I got a boyfriend today. Wow, that is weird to say.
It's my best friend from last year. He asked me out before and I just wasn't ready. I'm still not ready. However, I'm taking a leap of faith and giving into my heart for once. It may blow up in my face and then I'll be right back on here venting about how stupid I was for ever trying something like this. Maybe I'll learn a thing or two. In fact, I've already learned a bunch of stuff. I learned how to start a hard conversation and how to direct the conversation. That's huge for me because if something makes me uncomfortable (and it's not required for work or something) then I avoid it at all costs. Hard talks are one of those things because I don't want people to know the deep innards of me. That is all mine. It's even hard to go to G-d with that stuff, but He taught me how to do that.
I don't really know what G-d wanted for me with this. I don't know if He was giving me a go-ahead or if He wanted me to be strong and resist. It seems like I can't hear Him lately. I think that's because I'm listening to music constantly and unintentionally ignoring Him. Why is it so hard to focus on listening and talking to Him? I know that He is still there with me regardless of what happens, unless I remove myself from His presence and instruction, however, I also know that I haven't been working so hard to stay close with Him. This lukewarm thing is really not good because I don't know His voice anymore. I haven't heard it in months. What if me dating this boy was actually a really bad idea and I screwed up a ton of stuff? I know G-d can fix it if need be, but I don't want to go through unnecessary heart-ache and pain because that's just silly. I also know that I'm freaking out and that's making me over-think everything right now.
I prayed for faith building and to be able to hear Him last week in church. That is like praying for patience... Asking for those things is sketchy because G-d gives you a billion ways to develop that particular trait instead of just giving you the trait. Needless to say, my week has been rough and I don't know if this whole boyfriend thing is part of that or not. Scary!!!
I'm headed to church. Goodnight y'all and Shabbat Shalom!
Oh my goodness, I forgot to tell you that I'm going out to lunch with him and his mom tomorrow. I'm super nervous. I've met her before and we get along just fine but I'm really awkward and weird.
I got a boyfriend today. Wow, that is weird to say.
It's my best friend from last year. He asked me out before and I just wasn't ready. I'm still not ready. However, I'm taking a leap of faith and giving into my heart for once. It may blow up in my face and then I'll be right back on here venting about how stupid I was for ever trying something like this. Maybe I'll learn a thing or two. In fact, I've already learned a bunch of stuff. I learned how to start a hard conversation and how to direct the conversation. That's huge for me because if something makes me uncomfortable (and it's not required for work or something) then I avoid it at all costs. Hard talks are one of those things because I don't want people to know the deep innards of me. That is all mine. It's even hard to go to G-d with that stuff, but He taught me how to do that.
I don't really know what G-d wanted for me with this. I don't know if He was giving me a go-ahead or if He wanted me to be strong and resist. It seems like I can't hear Him lately. I think that's because I'm listening to music constantly and unintentionally ignoring Him. Why is it so hard to focus on listening and talking to Him? I know that He is still there with me regardless of what happens, unless I remove myself from His presence and instruction, however, I also know that I haven't been working so hard to stay close with Him. This lukewarm thing is really not good because I don't know His voice anymore. I haven't heard it in months. What if me dating this boy was actually a really bad idea and I screwed up a ton of stuff? I know G-d can fix it if need be, but I don't want to go through unnecessary heart-ache and pain because that's just silly. I also know that I'm freaking out and that's making me over-think everything right now.
I prayed for faith building and to be able to hear Him last week in church. That is like praying for patience... Asking for those things is sketchy because G-d gives you a billion ways to develop that particular trait instead of just giving you the trait. Needless to say, my week has been rough and I don't know if this whole boyfriend thing is part of that or not. Scary!!!
I'm headed to church. Goodnight y'all and Shabbat Shalom!
Oh my goodness, I forgot to tell you that I'm going out to lunch with him and his mom tomorrow. I'm super nervous. I've met her before and we get along just fine but I'm really awkward and weird.
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