I went to a hot springs resort for a few days with my mom and brother about 2 weeks ago. Everything at work was fine before work, but when I started back with labor and delivery... the unit broke. We had so many emergency situations, babies that were not at all tolerating labor, and excessive amounts of blood. Of the last 8 days, I worked 7 and most of those were spent with me stressing over the moms and babies around me. I don't know what happened!!!
We had a low pressure system/pretty bad snowstorm role in and had 6 deliveries in one night and 3 as soon as shift change was complete in the morning. An emergency c section nearly every night and sometimes 2. We had several OB hemorrhages and even bleeding moms come back into the hospital from being at home.
This was my week and I'm so glad it is starting to simmer down for the patients. Now we just have to deal with our staff being sick and recovering from this ridiculous flu that has taken over everybody.
Meanwhile, I've felt so much lighter in my person struggles with sexual assault and trauma, plus the bullshit exBest Friend pulled.
I texted him, because he had been on my heart for awhile, but that ended quickly. He started making jokes about "doing it again" and saying it was a "fun night". Utter betrayal. I guess I was hoping for understanding, for support, for anything of what I though he had been. I needed the guy that drove me to the police station and waited in the lobby for 5 hours. I needed the friend that fought so hard to make me feel better and helped me to study when freshman year of college was getting to be too much.
I don't understand how I held out for his friendship for so long. I've struggled for so long with the way that he's treated me, and others, and his philosophies of life. He was never abusive or mean, but he definitely expected others to take care of him, even though he's a grown ass adult. He's one of those people for other people having millions of dollars, and he wants to live the rich life, but he's not about to go work a different job where he can work up the ladder. Nor would he want to work anything more than his max of 8-4 or 9-5, but let's be real here, he gets out a few hours early every day because he's salary. Then he expected me to make time, out of working 2 night shift jobs with shifts of 12 hours (so essentially, he wanted me to sleep a mere 4 hours a day for 6-7 days of the week). Plus, I was supposed to pay for me and/or him, when we went out places.
Moral of the story, it's been rough because I miss what life used to be, but I must have been delusional about what kind of friendship we had. Think about it, he only hung out with me because he wanted to date me. It's impressive to keep that crap going for over 5 years, but it helped that the crush took a little while to develop in college, and in nursing school, I didn't see him much. Then he had a long term girlfriend. So, what was our friendship anyway?
Lately, between my support group, personal counseling, bible study, and various other places, it seems as though I need to share my story. I'm trying to be articulate about what has happened, but more than the trauma, I was to articulate what G-d has done to get me through. I feel like I've come further in my healing in the past couple of weeks, after weeks of hardcore, constant wrestling with G-d. The yelling at Him; crying, scratch that, sobbing so hard that I couldn't breathe; and otherwise wracking my brain and demanding He tell me why things happened to me the way that they did. Begging Him for peace and comfort and help. I'm still working on some stuff, and He's still showing me things and working on me too. It'll take the rest of my life, but for the first time since Country Boy died (in March 2014), I feel like I can breathe. I feel like I am now being challenged to know and be able to explain why I have the hope and faith in G-d that I do, despite what's happened.
Showing posts with label comfort. Show all posts
Showing posts with label comfort. Show all posts
Saturday, February 17, 2018
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Graduation
I am one proud sister. My brother graduated from high school! He is so tall he was towering over all of his classmates and we found him in the sea of everyone draped in the same gowns hundreds of yards away.
We are so very blessed to both be out of high school. Seeing as my brother and I are only 17 months apart, we have always done things fairly close together. Fortunately, that makes it possible for us to be fairly close pals... much of the time. Of course, we do get into a lot of fights, but those are beginning to stop! I had such a fantastic week with my brother. We played Frisbee, went to the park, went to the movies and did all sorts of stuff! Plus, when it was just us at home, we just joked around and talked.
L-rd willing, he will get into my university. Then, L-rd willing, we will be able to find an apartment to live in together and be able to afford life. Right now, I am freaking out because I have no concrete plans for next year. Funny thing though, is that G-d keeps letting my life be up in the air. Whether it is not knowing if I am going to be in nursing school, to not knowing where I will be working, I don't know what is going on! Not to mention who I will be living with or where we will be. Life seems to be falling apart. But, this happens a lot with me, and I think it may be because G-d is trying to break my worrying habits and the fact that I try to control everything and plan ahead for everything. He is teaching me to rely on Him. For some reason, I fail to completely rely on Him for my whole life. He gets me through some really tough situation, then I go back to trying to control the future. Folks, life doesn't work that way.
Still, through these struggles and lessons, G-d bestows wisdom on those willing to learn. Something occurred to me today: I would rather have the pain of wisdom than the ease of ignorance. That phrase popped into my head today during shul. I think it was a G-d thought.
The reason I say wisdom is pain, is because to get wisdom, you have to go through tough things in life. You have to experience rough patches or you have to learn from watching others go through difficult situations. I believe Solomon talked about how difficult it is to have wisdom because you understand the sad, angering, ridiculous things that happen in this life and sometimes why they happened. For me, wisdom is very important, but it is also frustrating for me because I replay what could have happened. At the same time, this is encouraging because I have helped so many people around me through their troubles. Not only do they survive the ordeal, but they succeed and they learn through the experience. To me, I would rather have the pains of wisdom than the ease and comfort of not knowing at all. Do you have any input on this? To me, ignorance is not bliss. It may seem like bliss at one point, but eventually reality catches up with everyone and slaps them in the face. So, why not just learn as much as possible in the first place and gain as much knowledge and wisdom as possible.
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d does not give up on me, or on any of us. He gives us wisdom and allows us to learn from our mistakes. He is also so very patient and gracious. My brother graduated and applied to my college. I have an amazing brother and we are beginning to get along. He is probably my closest friend and the only person I am closer to on earth is my mom. G-d has blessed me with a cute dog, a great brother, loving mom and dad and many, many friends.
We are so very blessed to both be out of high school. Seeing as my brother and I are only 17 months apart, we have always done things fairly close together. Fortunately, that makes it possible for us to be fairly close pals... much of the time. Of course, we do get into a lot of fights, but those are beginning to stop! I had such a fantastic week with my brother. We played Frisbee, went to the park, went to the movies and did all sorts of stuff! Plus, when it was just us at home, we just joked around and talked.
L-rd willing, he will get into my university. Then, L-rd willing, we will be able to find an apartment to live in together and be able to afford life. Right now, I am freaking out because I have no concrete plans for next year. Funny thing though, is that G-d keeps letting my life be up in the air. Whether it is not knowing if I am going to be in nursing school, to not knowing where I will be working, I don't know what is going on! Not to mention who I will be living with or where we will be. Life seems to be falling apart. But, this happens a lot with me, and I think it may be because G-d is trying to break my worrying habits and the fact that I try to control everything and plan ahead for everything. He is teaching me to rely on Him. For some reason, I fail to completely rely on Him for my whole life. He gets me through some really tough situation, then I go back to trying to control the future. Folks, life doesn't work that way.
Still, through these struggles and lessons, G-d bestows wisdom on those willing to learn. Something occurred to me today: I would rather have the pain of wisdom than the ease of ignorance. That phrase popped into my head today during shul. I think it was a G-d thought.
The reason I say wisdom is pain, is because to get wisdom, you have to go through tough things in life. You have to experience rough patches or you have to learn from watching others go through difficult situations. I believe Solomon talked about how difficult it is to have wisdom because you understand the sad, angering, ridiculous things that happen in this life and sometimes why they happened. For me, wisdom is very important, but it is also frustrating for me because I replay what could have happened. At the same time, this is encouraging because I have helped so many people around me through their troubles. Not only do they survive the ordeal, but they succeed and they learn through the experience. To me, I would rather have the pains of wisdom than the ease and comfort of not knowing at all. Do you have any input on this? To me, ignorance is not bliss. It may seem like bliss at one point, but eventually reality catches up with everyone and slaps them in the face. So, why not just learn as much as possible in the first place and gain as much knowledge and wisdom as possible.
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d does not give up on me, or on any of us. He gives us wisdom and allows us to learn from our mistakes. He is also so very patient and gracious. My brother graduated and applied to my college. I have an amazing brother and we are beginning to get along. He is probably my closest friend and the only person I am closer to on earth is my mom. G-d has blessed me with a cute dog, a great brother, loving mom and dad and many, many friends.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Dating Drama
No, this is not another rant about my current dilemma in the pre-dating phase of my life, this is about a very dear friend of mine. Its about my friends B, P, and Z (P = my guy friend who likes me, B = P's roommate, Z = my close girl friend who is in cahoots with P). Does it feel like algebra again?
Anyway, Z has (had) a crush on B while P had a crush on me. So, P and Z decided to form an alliance and take B and I down. Why? I don't know. Currently I have a theory that there are too many pheromones and hormones going around and since it's spring, people begin to look for mates... This is likely not the case, but that's what I'm sticking with because for girls and guys around the nation, last week sucked in the dating world (at least in my group of friends which includes many more than just these three people).
So, Z had my guy friend (P) ask B if he liked Z or not. Z and P were assuming he had no idea of what was going on, like they assumed I had no idea what was going on. But B had a hunch that she was into him, but he did not "feel" the same way about her. Now my friends heart is broken, but she is taking it like a champ. B probably does not know that Z knows because P told him that Z did not know. For now, everyone is acting like nothing happened. Meanwhile, I don't know what to do. I think B probably doesn't either. Knowing all that has gone on behind the scenes of Z and B, I wonder who knows about P and I. Also, I wonder what is going on and how big of a mess I'm really in because I am obviously only aware of the tip of this iceberg, like B is only aware of the smallest little bit of his iceberg. I am quite convinced I'm going down like the Titanic... Poor B, I just don't like that he is not aware of everything going on because I don't like not knowing all that is going on. Maybe he doesn't care, but I have a feeling he knows more than anyone else knows because I know more than I am supposed to know about my ordeal.
I'm going to need a therapist after this.
At least I am learning about my vast amount of shortcomings when it comes to being a human that, unfortunately, has to interact with other humans that occasionally develop crushes. If more people knew the science behind attraction, would there be less romantic relationships and therefore less unnecessary heartbreak? This science is fascinating to me because it explains all that I cannot understand about other because I have not really been the type of girl to think a guy is "hot" or anything like that. I have never had a boyfriend, and at this point don't really want one (at least for a few more years) but I may never want one. But the explanations and science behind dating, attraction, kissing, etc. is so fascinating and I know what's going on in P. If he knew, then it probably wouldn't be the same because he may chalk it up to pheromones and hormones like I am...
I need to do more research because research is comforting to me. I'll let you guys know what I find. In the meantime, enjoy some facts about kissing (also part of my reasons to not kiss anyone until I kiss my husband on my wedding day):
Anyway, Z has (had) a crush on B while P had a crush on me. So, P and Z decided to form an alliance and take B and I down. Why? I don't know. Currently I have a theory that there are too many pheromones and hormones going around and since it's spring, people begin to look for mates... This is likely not the case, but that's what I'm sticking with because for girls and guys around the nation, last week sucked in the dating world (at least in my group of friends which includes many more than just these three people).
So, Z had my guy friend (P) ask B if he liked Z or not. Z and P were assuming he had no idea of what was going on, like they assumed I had no idea what was going on. But B had a hunch that she was into him, but he did not "feel" the same way about her. Now my friends heart is broken, but she is taking it like a champ. B probably does not know that Z knows because P told him that Z did not know. For now, everyone is acting like nothing happened. Meanwhile, I don't know what to do. I think B probably doesn't either. Knowing all that has gone on behind the scenes of Z and B, I wonder who knows about P and I. Also, I wonder what is going on and how big of a mess I'm really in because I am obviously only aware of the tip of this iceberg, like B is only aware of the smallest little bit of his iceberg. I am quite convinced I'm going down like the Titanic... Poor B, I just don't like that he is not aware of everything going on because I don't like not knowing all that is going on. Maybe he doesn't care, but I have a feeling he knows more than anyone else knows because I know more than I am supposed to know about my ordeal.
I'm going to need a therapist after this.
At least I am learning about my vast amount of shortcomings when it comes to being a human that, unfortunately, has to interact with other humans that occasionally develop crushes. If more people knew the science behind attraction, would there be less romantic relationships and therefore less unnecessary heartbreak? This science is fascinating to me because it explains all that I cannot understand about other because I have not really been the type of girl to think a guy is "hot" or anything like that. I have never had a boyfriend, and at this point don't really want one (at least for a few more years) but I may never want one. But the explanations and science behind dating, attraction, kissing, etc. is so fascinating and I know what's going on in P. If he knew, then it probably wouldn't be the same because he may chalk it up to pheromones and hormones like I am...
I need to do more research because research is comforting to me. I'll let you guys know what I find. In the meantime, enjoy some facts about kissing (also part of my reasons to not kiss anyone until I kiss my husband on my wedding day):
- Prostitutes do not kiss their clients because it leads to feelings of attachment
- When you kiss someone, hormones are transferred between the two people (especially testosterone and oxytocin - which you likely know leads to feelings of attachment)
- It uses a bunch of muscles in your face which may keep you looking younger
- Kissing burns calories, but not a huge amount
Friday, April 26, 2013
Quality Time
Hopefully you have heard about "love languages". I find them to be valuable pieces of information that help me get to know and understand people. My love language, according to the quizzes I've taken, is quality time. Today, I got to spend loads of quality time with my mama. I love that woman! I am so blessed to have her. We talked about boys, work, friends, school, and so on. The beauty about talking with her is that she understands extraverted people, while I don't even understand myself. She gives me advice on everything, regardless of what it is. I am so very thankful that G-d gave her wisdom and insight into my life and me. I am an oddball, she knows it, everyone knows it. But she understands my boundaries and is the only person not trying to make my boundaries more like everyone else's. Even my mentors from church tell me that my boundaries are too outlandish and that I should loosen up. My mom, however, understands them and she sticks by my decision to keep them as strict as they are.
So we went to lunch, then we went shopping and talked for a couple hours. Then I went with my brother to go get coffee (even though it's really hot here already) and we drove all over Kingdom Come looking for a bank. I've lived here for almost my whole life and I still get lost! What's wrong with me? Then I forgot my debit card in the drive-up ATM... thankfully the car behind me found it, then stalked me to a parking lot where he returned it. Okay, he didn't really stalk me, I just pulled over to walk into the bank instead of using the ATM, but it was so sweet of him to bring my card back! It was also smart on his part, because he would have only had a few bucks, because I'm nearly broke...
Daily Thanksgiving: I don't have to be around people today. I got to go to lunch with my mama and work some stuff out in my life. I was able to spend time with my brother and we didn't get in a car wreck! I am alive. G-d allowed today's weather to be so beautiful! Also, I got to go on a walk with my dog, who I miss and love so very much. I am also thankful that my platelet donation went so well this morning.
I forgot to mention my platelet donation! It was good. I love donating blood and platelets, mostly because I like watching them use needles, and it's also pretty cool to see your blood and plasma and platelets... I'm just kind of sick that way, I guess. I've done this a few times and normally my lips just get tingly, but this time I looked down, then my eyes went crossed-eyed. I didn't make them do it either! Then, they got stuck like that for about 15-25 seconds!!! It was so freaky, I thought I was going to pass out, or die, or go blind or something. Fortunately I didn't, but I probably should have told someone about it because it happened a few times... I told my mom and she freaked out a little and said I should have informed them about it, but I'm good. I hope I'm okay.
So we went to lunch, then we went shopping and talked for a couple hours. Then I went with my brother to go get coffee (even though it's really hot here already) and we drove all over Kingdom Come looking for a bank. I've lived here for almost my whole life and I still get lost! What's wrong with me? Then I forgot my debit card in the drive-up ATM... thankfully the car behind me found it, then stalked me to a parking lot where he returned it. Okay, he didn't really stalk me, I just pulled over to walk into the bank instead of using the ATM, but it was so sweet of him to bring my card back! It was also smart on his part, because he would have only had a few bucks, because I'm nearly broke...
Daily Thanksgiving: I don't have to be around people today. I got to go to lunch with my mama and work some stuff out in my life. I was able to spend time with my brother and we didn't get in a car wreck! I am alive. G-d allowed today's weather to be so beautiful! Also, I got to go on a walk with my dog, who I miss and love so very much. I am also thankful that my platelet donation went so well this morning.
I forgot to mention my platelet donation! It was good. I love donating blood and platelets, mostly because I like watching them use needles, and it's also pretty cool to see your blood and plasma and platelets... I'm just kind of sick that way, I guess. I've done this a few times and normally my lips just get tingly, but this time I looked down, then my eyes went crossed-eyed. I didn't make them do it either! Then, they got stuck like that for about 15-25 seconds!!! It was so freaky, I thought I was going to pass out, or die, or go blind or something. Fortunately I didn't, but I probably should have told someone about it because it happened a few times... I told my mom and she freaked out a little and said I should have informed them about it, but I'm good. I hope I'm okay.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...
Yes, this is meant to be a quote from Dory in "Finding Nemo". That movie is so adorable!
Today got even better. I worked out for an hour, which was really just walking on the treadmill, but I at least made it get steeper so I am moving up! Then we spent about an hour at the pool. Oh man, that was such a good idea. This is dangerous because I love working out now. Okay, again, I love the treadmill and cardio "working-out". Maybe I will grow to love working on abs and limbs with time? First, I would have to try those and I do not see that happening for sometime, but the pool kinda supplements what I should be doing on those machines... for me it counts that way.
Now, for you ladies who do not like swim suits for whatever reason (mine is because I am on the chunky side and swim suits are not typically modest AT ALL!), consider buying some swim trunks and a rash guard or a surf shirt. You may not be near the beach, but they are just like t-shirts and you can find cute, inexpensive, modest ones with no trouble. Mine is even a loose fit, when it is dry, so it helps with my uncomfortableness with my slightly chubby shape. Guys swim trunks are also very comfortable. I find that they are more comfortable than girls ones, but you can definitely look into both. Also, wear a swim suit underneath the shirt and the trunks because 1) it is uncomfortable to walk around with nothing under your t-shirt (I'm really sorry to go there, but I think it needed to be confronted head-on), 2) the swim trunks and shirt may begin to float, in which case you will need something underneath to ensure that you truly are maintaining the maximum amount of modesty.
So check it out, I love my swim suit now and I am more comfortable than I have ever been in a swim suit. Plus, it lets me pull off a "skater/surfer" look that suits me just fine!
Today got even better. I worked out for an hour, which was really just walking on the treadmill, but I at least made it get steeper so I am moving up! Then we spent about an hour at the pool. Oh man, that was such a good idea. This is dangerous because I love working out now. Okay, again, I love the treadmill and cardio "working-out". Maybe I will grow to love working on abs and limbs with time? First, I would have to try those and I do not see that happening for sometime, but the pool kinda supplements what I should be doing on those machines... for me it counts that way.
Now, for you ladies who do not like swim suits for whatever reason (mine is because I am on the chunky side and swim suits are not typically modest AT ALL!), consider buying some swim trunks and a rash guard or a surf shirt. You may not be near the beach, but they are just like t-shirts and you can find cute, inexpensive, modest ones with no trouble. Mine is even a loose fit, when it is dry, so it helps with my uncomfortableness with my slightly chubby shape. Guys swim trunks are also very comfortable. I find that they are more comfortable than girls ones, but you can definitely look into both. Also, wear a swim suit underneath the shirt and the trunks because 1) it is uncomfortable to walk around with nothing under your t-shirt (I'm really sorry to go there, but I think it needed to be confronted head-on), 2) the swim trunks and shirt may begin to float, in which case you will need something underneath to ensure that you truly are maintaining the maximum amount of modesty.
So check it out, I love my swim suit now and I am more comfortable than I have ever been in a swim suit. Plus, it lets me pull off a "skater/surfer" look that suits me just fine!
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Falling Fast
Have you ever had those times when you can't fall asleep because your brain won't shut up? I'm having a season of this, but it's not fully unwelcome. Somehow I even wake up and I'm not super exhausted because I wake up thinking about what I fell asleep thinking about. Which, by the way, is not something... it's someone. All of my efforts to not fall for anyone, not even a crush, until junior year is not working so well. While that sucks, it still makes me happy to think about him and hang out with him. I can't explain it, but I can look into his eyes and be comfortable. He knows most of my faults, he knows my quirks, he knows my past, yet he is comfy. I don't shy away from his help, in fact he is one of the only people I actually ask for help from. His arms hold a peace and he knows how to get me to laugh when I am really down. He doesn't push my boundaries as other guys have when they showed interest in me and that is huge for me. While he does not know I may be having a bad day, he knows how to turn my day around. What is this?
Here I am, gushing like a little girl about a guy. It makes want to gag and dance all at the same time. Feelings are not something I like, but, in the words of The Band Perry, "he is hip to my heart". If this is something more than just a crush, I know we are in the beginning stages, but it seems that this is what people look for. Ideally you are supposed to marry your best friend right? This is so different from my crushes in the past, this is not awkward, it's not going past my boundaries, he does not pressure me or put me down. He jokes with me, makes me want to be kinder and improve myself so I am congruent with G-d's desires for how people should act. I want to be more outgoing and share everything about my day with him. I constantly want to let him know what's going on and hang out with him. This seems like how a true life-long relationship would/should start. Weirder still than all of my fears of relationships is my lack of fear now.
Times like this make me want to know if it is a waste of time to be so focused on a person. I want to know if I will ever get married. I want to meet my husband and start to get to know him. I want to know how G-d has planned my life and what life will be like. I do not want to be spending so much time thinking about boys (which I do not do often) if I am never going to get married because I could be focusing on school or something else. At the same time, I know G-d reveals all things on His time and it is fun to have the surprise of what G-d is bringing into my life. Still, I am frustrated not knowing if I am wasting my time because I cannot focus on anything. I think I may be falling for this boy, just a little...
Here I am, gushing like a little girl about a guy. It makes want to gag and dance all at the same time. Feelings are not something I like, but, in the words of The Band Perry, "he is hip to my heart". If this is something more than just a crush, I know we are in the beginning stages, but it seems that this is what people look for. Ideally you are supposed to marry your best friend right? This is so different from my crushes in the past, this is not awkward, it's not going past my boundaries, he does not pressure me or put me down. He jokes with me, makes me want to be kinder and improve myself so I am congruent with G-d's desires for how people should act. I want to be more outgoing and share everything about my day with him. I constantly want to let him know what's going on and hang out with him. This seems like how a true life-long relationship would/should start. Weirder still than all of my fears of relationships is my lack of fear now.
Times like this make me want to know if it is a waste of time to be so focused on a person. I want to know if I will ever get married. I want to meet my husband and start to get to know him. I want to know how G-d has planned my life and what life will be like. I do not want to be spending so much time thinking about boys (which I do not do often) if I am never going to get married because I could be focusing on school or something else. At the same time, I know G-d reveals all things on His time and it is fun to have the surprise of what G-d is bringing into my life. Still, I am frustrated not knowing if I am wasting my time because I cannot focus on anything. I think I may be falling for this boy, just a little...
Monday, March 4, 2013
Eye Contact
I have written twice already today, with this being my third post, but I just keep thinking about stuff. Maybe this is making up for all the days I missed over my extended weekend.
Any-who, I have thinking about eye contact more and more because of interviews, friendships and so on. Why is eye contact so uncomfortable? The other person cannot really see deep into your soul. Emotions are played out on the face and through body language, not just through eyes. Eyes, are simple really, just a cornea, lens, retina and some goo in-between layers. That's it! Not much to eyes.
Why is it, then, that it is foreign to make eye contact for so many? I am first on the list, by the way, of people who despise it. For some reason, eye contact usually makes me blush. Even with my parents, brother, close friends, anyone really. I get squirmy and self conscious. Lately, however, I have become more comfortable with a few people and can actually look into their eyes and perceive an unspoken understanding. Not with very many people, mind you, but there are one or two who I actually find comfort in locking gazes with. The weirdest thing, though, is they actually know more of my story, my full story. I would have thought that with them knowing my shady past, the most intimate details of my life, I would be more self-conscious around them. Therefore, I would likely shy away from their glance. Quite the opposite is happening, however, and I am pleasantly surprised! I do not plan on sharing my story with many others, but just a few close friends can know (plus you guys, but I'm anonymous).
Do you have a theory as to why eye contact is so unnerving? Why is it easier to look into someone's eyes when they know more about you than most of your closest friends?
Any-who, I have thinking about eye contact more and more because of interviews, friendships and so on. Why is eye contact so uncomfortable? The other person cannot really see deep into your soul. Emotions are played out on the face and through body language, not just through eyes. Eyes, are simple really, just a cornea, lens, retina and some goo in-between layers. That's it! Not much to eyes.
Why is it, then, that it is foreign to make eye contact for so many? I am first on the list, by the way, of people who despise it. For some reason, eye contact usually makes me blush. Even with my parents, brother, close friends, anyone really. I get squirmy and self conscious. Lately, however, I have become more comfortable with a few people and can actually look into their eyes and perceive an unspoken understanding. Not with very many people, mind you, but there are one or two who I actually find comfort in locking gazes with. The weirdest thing, though, is they actually know more of my story, my full story. I would have thought that with them knowing my shady past, the most intimate details of my life, I would be more self-conscious around them. Therefore, I would likely shy away from their glance. Quite the opposite is happening, however, and I am pleasantly surprised! I do not plan on sharing my story with many others, but just a few close friends can know (plus you guys, but I'm anonymous).
Do you have a theory as to why eye contact is so unnerving? Why is it easier to look into someone's eyes when they know more about you than most of your closest friends?
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