"So, how do you feel about that?"

It is the point in my nursing school career where I am learning about Mental Health Nursing, aka: Psych Nursing. It's rough. I DON'T DO FEELINGS!!! Plus, it's all been pretty common sense stuff so far and the teacher screwed up my schedule for the first month. My classes are supposed to be Mon-Tues with clinicals on Weds. What does the teacher do for the first month? She's making us come in on Fridays or one Thursday. I made my work schedule so that I would be able to work Thursday night thinking I could sleep and do homework the next day but now I get to be up from 0600 on Thursday to babysit, stay up all night at work, and then sit through a mind numbing lecture for 6-7 hours the next day. Awesome.

My course load is really light this semester so I figured one online class would not be so bad. I could have handled it if I hadn't have had a freaking mental breakdown today after class and then passed out for the rest of the afternoon. I woke up at 11:55 p.m. That would be no problem but I had planned to do an assignment instead of sleep. That assignment was due at 11:59 p.m. I missed it by seconds and I am more than angry because now I have no hopes of getting anything over a B just because I missed one assignment. I also only have 26 points that I can miss for the rest of the semester without then getting no higher than a C. I know it is my fault for not doing it earlier and for also falling asleep instead of finishing my work. I sat down with the intention of resting for just a minute and then I completely crashed into something similar to a drug-induced coma, but I hadn't taken any drugs. Good news, my anxiety level is so freakin' high right now I won't be able to sleep at all for the rest of the night.

Lecture for psych today was suicide. I started crying in class. Just a couple of tears before I got it under control, but I don't cry in public bathrooms let alone in class. Plus, a kid at the university, who was friends with many of the nursing students, committed suicide a couple of days ago so lots of other girls were struggling with the lecture as well. So I came home, ugly cried for a solid hour to the point where I couldn't breathe, and laid on the floor contemplating why after 5 attempts to end my own life (with measures that should have ended it with the first try and even got worse with each try after) G-d allowed me to live with no serious medical issues but Country Boy only needed 1 try to complete his suicide. All the crashes G-d has saved me from, all the medical issues and other circumstances (self-induced and otherwise) that should have killed me over the course of my life, G-d keeps me around. Why? Why do I get spared while my friend loses her husband in a car wreck after only their second anniversary of marriage? Why me? What is it that I am here for that I have to be kept around? What is it that I'm supposed to be here for?

I wasn't going to go into that stuff with you guys, I was just going to vent about the rotten cherry atop my horrendous sundae of an unbelievably awful week.