Update from Yesterday's Fiasco

I email the professor of the class that I missed my test from explaining that I had a mental/emotional breakdown (without getting into any details). Anyway, he totally opened the test back up so I could take it again! Oh my gosh, praise the L-rd!!! I am so beyond relieved right now I cannot even explain it fully to you. Seriously, this teacher clearly outlines in his syllabus that there will be no retakes besides major health concerns or anything short of you dying, and he allowed me to retake it because I simply told him I lost my mind.

These are the things G-d does for me on a daily basis. This and so many other little and big things alike, I just can't even contain how grateful I am that G-d softened the professors heart and allowed me this chance.

"So, how do you feel about that?"

It is the point in my nursing school career where I am learning about Mental Health Nursing, aka: Psych Nursing. It's rough. I DON'T DO FEELINGS!!! Plus, it's all been pretty common sense stuff so far and the teacher screwed up my schedule for the first month. My classes are supposed to be Mon-Tues with clinicals on Weds. What does the teacher do for the first month? She's making us come in on Fridays or one Thursday. I made my work schedule so that I would be able to work Thursday night thinking I could sleep and do homework the next day but now I get to be up from 0600 on Thursday to babysit, stay up all night at work, and then sit through a mind numbing lecture for 6-7 hours the next day. Awesome.

My course load is really light this semester so I figured one online class would not be so bad. I could have handled it if I hadn't have had a freaking mental breakdown today after class and then passed out for the rest of the afternoon. I woke up at 11:55 p.m. That would be no problem but I had planned to do an assignment instead of sleep. That assignment was due at 11:59 p.m. I missed it by seconds and I am more than angry because now I have no hopes of getting anything over a B just because I missed one assignment. I also only have 26 points that I can miss for the rest of the semester without then getting no higher than a C. I know it is my fault for not doing it earlier and for also falling asleep instead of finishing my work. I sat down with the intention of resting for just a minute and then I completely crashed into something similar to a drug-induced coma, but I hadn't taken any drugs. Good news, my anxiety level is so freakin' high right now I won't be able to sleep at all for the rest of the night.

Lecture for psych today was suicide. I started crying in class. Just a couple of tears before I got it under control, but I don't cry in public bathrooms let alone in class. Plus, a kid at the university, who was friends with many of the nursing students, committed suicide a couple of days ago so lots of other girls were struggling with the lecture as well. So I came home, ugly cried for a solid hour to the point where I couldn't breathe, and laid on the floor contemplating why after 5 attempts to end my own life (with measures that should have ended it with the first try and even got worse with each try after) G-d allowed me to live with no serious medical issues but Country Boy only needed 1 try to complete his suicide. All the crashes G-d has saved me from, all the medical issues and other circumstances (self-induced and otherwise) that should have killed me over the course of my life, G-d keeps me around. Why? Why do I get spared while my friend loses her husband in a car wreck after only their second anniversary of marriage? Why me? What is it that I am here for that I have to be kept around? What is it that I'm supposed to be here for?

I wasn't going to go into that stuff with you guys, I was just going to vent about the rotten cherry atop my horrendous sundae of an unbelievably awful week.

An "Off" Kind of Day

You ever have those days where something or everything is just "off?" I seem to have those days more and more, but today is getting to me.

I called my mom to talk to her, but couldn't find the words to talk to her about what is on my mind because it's just something there but not really describable. I have this desire to talk to her but I don't know about what. Then I get sad and start crying for no reason. 2 seconds later I'm frustrated over nothing. Eventually I get productive. Typically, sleep comes next. Then my day is done and it's time to start a new one.

I know I talk a lot about this kinda stuff, but I'm still just processing thoughts and I get more into words when I can type. It just so happens that I don't trust people enough to keep all the typed things on my computer, so I put it on the World Wide Web for everyone to view... Doesn't make sense.

I dropped another $13 at Village Inn at breakfast with my classmates. It was nice, then it turned into a gossiping/bashing fest. Unfortunately, I didn't have the guts to stand up for anyone. That needs to change. Even though I didn't take part in the bashing/gossiping, it's just as bad for me to bear witness to it and not stop it.

So that happened.

Then I spent $45 on music, for no reason. It is worship music, because I'm breaking my habit of country music and it's not going well. Still, I don't have the money to be spending like this!

Got a 71% on my patho exam from Monday. Passing is 74%. Sorta self explanatory, huh?

No Rest for the Weary

Class this morning went well. Nothing really new. I called my brother to come pick me up but his car died so I walked a mile... in flip flops... in snow flurries. I should have worn proper foot wear but I was late and wasn't expecting my extra little trek, nor was I expecting SNOW this early in the month! Got home, changed for lab and ate a little lunch. Go to lab, practice my assessment midterm. I don't think I did great even though my teacher said I did "perfect." She's nice, I like her. Mannequins, not so much, especially when they talk and I cannot find either radial pulse or the blood pressure sounds. I promise I know how to take blood pressure! Get home, drink a large cup of coffee with delicious creamer, eat some early dinner, and get to studying for the test due tonight. While my computer was turning on, I decided to lay down and wrap up in a blanket because I've been frozen since I got up this morning. 2 hours later I wake up slightly disoriented. Apparently my brother came in while I was asleep and had a conversation with me where I was slightly grouchy with him for turning on the lights. I remember about 5 seconds of said conversation, but it seemed like a dream. This is an issue. I normally don't sleep walk unless I'm beyond exhausted or extremely stressed out. I am both at this point in time so that explains it. Good thing I didn't sleep walk, I was just sleep talking.

Today was a struggle, but my mood is continually improving. Hopefully this St. John's Wort is working and it's not just a placebo effect that's going to drop off suddenly leaving me in a bigger mess than before. Maybe this boyfriend thing is being perpetuated by my self medication with this herb? Interesting. I doubt it, but I've noticed that when I get less stressed about life and school, I tend to start wanting a boyfriend because I have the notion that I can handle another major time-sucker in my life at the moment. That's probably a bad idea, huh?

I'll keep y'all updated on my status with this SJW supplement. So far I don't seem to have any adverse effects besides the whole boy conundrum.

Daily Thanksgiving: Life sucks and then it's over. Someday nursing school will be done and life will commence! Until that day, G-d is making me stronger even if it doesn't feel like it.

Cookie Dough Therapy

Since starting nursing school I have gained approximately 5 lbs according to the scale yesterday when I went to donate platelets. That is really unfortunate, completely my fault, and it made me even more depressed than I already was. So, what do I do today? I ate 2 whole bagels with cream cheese and I am in the process of baking cookies. Don't worry, I already had my share of the dough, but now I'm still depressed and I'm pretty sure I'm still gaining weight even as I type this...

Today I was talking (well, I was standing there, I don't really talk) with some of the girls from the program who had been talking with their friends that are a year or two ahead of us in the program. Apparently, the first year of nursing school is the hardest. I don't know if that is supposed to give me hope, reassure me, or scare me. It mostly scares me right now, but I also hope that I can get through this semester because maybe next semester will get a little better. I doubt it though.

It scares me going back down this road because my depression is starting to flare up again. I thought about taking St. John's Wort, but I don't want to take it if it won't really help me or if it will make me "addicted" so that when I stop taking it my depression comes back even worse. Have any of you tried taking it? Does it work? Any strange side effects? I know I can research all of this online, but I don't know that I trust that. I could also go talk to a doctor, but I definitely don't want a legit prescription medication because those really will screw with my head and they are usually more expensive.

I know that depression is not from G-d and it is just me taking to heart what the Adversary is trying to whisper to me, but it's getting too much to shut it out. The past few weeks I have been so down, feeling like I can't make it through school, feeling ugly and my face is breaking out, and now gaining weight on top of that. The weight thing can be fixed with exercise and eating better (even though I already don't eat a whole lot of junk food and my portions are consistent with what is recommended on packages and through my nutrition class). I know the title is a little misleading, but I don't normally eat lots of junk food. The school thing can be solved by studying more over time, and by doing projects a few weeks in advance instead of a week or a day before they are due. I don't know how to change my feelings about my appearance. I know G-d made me, but I've ruin what He made and my face is breaking out really bad. In fact, it's never been this bad all through my teens. I'm 19 now and look like I'm just going through puberty though because those stupid little red bumps are all over my shoulders, back, and face. I don't even want to go out of the house anymore...


I heard a quote today from one of my new friends, "Life sucks and then you die." I don't think it should be this way, but right now it certainly feels like it's true. This isn't what life is supposed to be though! Our lives are for the Creator, not for ourselves. Why does it feel like such a struggle to stay afloat here on Earth?

Marriage Study

As a follow-up to my "Personal News" post, I did a word study on marriage. Did it clarify anything about the purpose of marriage? No, not even a little bit. I have noticed, however, that G-d is bringing this topic up in all aspects of my life though. It's kinda strange, but it is also how I know that He is talking to me and He is laying it on my heart. I kinda wish I understood why I need to know so much about this subject, but that is still very unclear.

After independent study and a few Google searches, I have arrived at the point that marriage mainly does 3 things:

1. Provides community (more stable environment for child rearing, friendship, strength, love*, etc)
2. Allows for safe procreation (because who doesn't want little mini-me's running around? Having kids is like doing experiments to see what characteristics of each parent they get! I know that sounds bad, but I hope you admit that it is pretty cool seeing this thing grow in you/your wife and then you get to meet the kid and watch them grow up...)
3. It is a metaphor of Yeshua's love for His people (Jews and Gentiles alike who trust in Him)

Why? I still do not know and I likely will never fully understand. Unfortunately, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if it is right for me. I don't know that I am stable enough to be in a relationship or if I could weather life with another person. How do I know if the guy that dates me fore years and then proposes is the right person for me? Will there be regrets? Will we drive each other up the wall for the first few years or will we be that couple that is in Honeymoon phase for the first decade. Will I survive if he dies first? How will marriage affect my career? If I get married out of nursing school, should I go straight into midwifery school or should I wait and get settled as a nurse in case we have children? If I do wait on becoming a CNM, when would be the best time to go back to school? Where will we live? Will my parents be able to live long enough to see their grandkids? Will my puppy be able to meet them? (She is my current baby, but she's close to 8 or 9 right now...) Where will we live? Should we move to a state that does not require the stupid flu vaccine? Should we move to another country that is more CNM friendly? Ahhhhh! What does the future hold?

Forgive the minor meltdown there, live just isn't what I thought it would be. Do you ever have that experience? You know, something that you thought would be so cool isn't actually all that you thought it would be? I think I am doing that with marriage. I know that was the truth for getting into nursing school, getting my first car, buying my own computer, having a boy like me for the first time, etc. etc. etc. Nothing makes me as happy as I think it is going to make me. On the other hand, the only thing that truly makes me happy is G-d and then He makes me more happy than I ever expected. It makes me wish that I never would have watched t.v. ever, because then I would be able to experience life for myself without having these preconceived notions that something will be so great when it actually isn't in real life.

So, will I have regrets when I get married because I am thinking marriage will be some great thing? I'm not making it out to be a Cinderella story. Let's be real, that's not even my cup of tea. But will I be disappointed with what married life really is? I just want a friend that will be with me for a really long time. Lately, I have seen too many marriages end after 10-25 years because one spouse starts cheating, or they are abusive to the other, or someone's midlife crisis just gets control of them so they split. Will that be my story? Will I have to bear that burden? Would I even be able to survive?

Marriage is so much more than what they show in the movies and on t.v. I'm not even married and I am skeptical that it is something that I would be strong enough to do. Is this G-d telling me that I will never be married or is this Him getting me ready for the harsh reality that marriage is not all fun and games?
 

Loooooong Day

Today was devoted to studying for my anatomy final. I do think I'm starting to understand the material a little bit better, and now I am wishing I would have studied the way I did today for my last three tests... Hopefully, this makes it so that I can take educated guesses on the question I don't know about, so that I can get a good grade. L-rd willing I will get a good grade because I know I can't do it on my own. G-d kept me focused for a really long time today. Every once in a while I would watch YouTube videos, or check my 17 emails (not really, I have 1 personal one, 2 for two different schools and one for work) and my phone. Besides those breaks, I kept my phone on silent and, for the most part, stayed studying! That never happens with me, so I know it was a G-d thing.

I am so ready to be done though. It seems like the days leading up to test are the worst because you don't know what it's going to be like. Then you get to the test and it's totally not as hard as you expected. Even when you don't know the material, typically you know that you covered it in class at some point. However, there are those tests where the teacher was using the wrong book to write the test because they are asking questions about Shakespeare when you studied for a geology test because the test is in geology... That didn't really happen to me, but I think it would be funny, after the initial shock of how ridiculous it is subsided.

I still feel like a complete failure at friendship. This is probably going to be a constant thing or the rest of my life though, so I'll just get used to it. I will work on being a better friend, but no matter what I do I always come up short. That's where G-d meets us though, so I know I'm not alone and I'm not out of reach. Why do I constantly find myself in a struggle with friends? Problems always have to do with me though because if they do something that would normally offend someone, I ignore it. Unless, of course, they are offending another one of my friends, then I kindly step in and ask them to not speak poorly of my other friend. But for any other circumstance that would hurt someone, I overlook it or don't even notice it. So, the problem in my friendships is me. I keep doing stuff to hurt people or to make them sad at me. Yes, I said sad at me, not mad.

Folks, I really need to find the problem with me because I don't like hurting and offending other people. The more I have thought about my friendships and relationships of any kind, the more I notice that I keep people at arm's length and then I go off and find a corner to live in. With my roommates, I didn't talk to them when I was offended. Then they got offended and stopped talking to me. So, what do I do? I go and get my very own dorm room where I don't live with anyone else. What happens when guys begin to show interest? I talk to them for awhile, then I pull away. Eventually, I pull away so much that I end up under a rock. I should just stay under my rock and not talk to people because that gets me into trouble...

Do you have any advice? Any stories? Any help would be greatly appreciated!

Daily Thanksgiving: G-d kept me focused and I was quite productive today. Also, I think I'm starting to understand the material for my last final on Thursday. 1 more test and then I am no longer a freshman!!! I packed most of my stuff and it all fits into 4 tubs so far. I should only have a microwave, fridge, those tubs and a duffel bag to leave college with. Things are beginning to get better with my old roommates. I am not uncomfortable around them and they waived at me through the window! I think that's a good thing. We also got rain today which I love. One of my favorite experiences is afternoon rainstorms after a hot, sunny, summer day. To me, it is such a beautiful feeling, I can't really explain it.

Return of My Cynicism

I just researched "cynic" just to see if I was spelling it right, but I found this definition on Google: "Cynicism, in its original form, refers to the beliefs of an ancient school of Greek philosophers known as the Cynics. Their philosophy was that the purpose of life was to live a life of Virtue in agreement with Nature."

Ya, that's definitely not me. I go under the newer definition of cynicism (also found on Google):

1. Believing that people are motivated by self-interest; distrustful of human sincerity or integrity.
2. Doubtful as to whether something will happen or is worthwhile.

I am under the influence of both of these ways of thought.

Anyway, gone was the week or so of being slightly calmer than normal because my cynicism has returned with a vengeance! It seems like I'm going through the whole wedding cycle again, which is weird because the normal triggers that typically have to take place have not taken place. Maybe its the fact that I'm writing a paper about college student's views on marriage and how it is beneficial to remain single, at least until school is completed and your career is up and running. Right now though, I am finding myself not wanting to be married, or even dating at all. But, coupled with my sudden disdain for the thought of me being married is that little inkling of hope that I will someday be a mother and have children of my own. I will not be a single mother who just gets knocked up in order to have offspring so how do I get around being married but still have children? Maybe I will just give up the thought of children and just focus on helping other women have their babies instead. Then, I still get to hold babies and I don't have to get hitched. Unfortunately, I have a sinking suspicion that this proposal will not provide happiness or get rid of my desires. Maybe marriage won't be so bad, but right now it makes my stomach ill. Not because I'm scared of living with someone for the rest of my life, or because I'm terrified of letting someone know all of me (my thoughts, my life, my everything) though that is a little scary. Right now, I can't pinpoint why I am so opposed to me marrying someone, but this thought of no marriage is getting stronger.

Again, questions are circling through my mind like: Does G-d even have someone for me? Would I even be able to have children? Would I be a good mother? Can I make it through nursing school, let alone midwifery school?

Why am I not able to just trust that G-d will take care of everything!?! I'm so frustrated with myself that I tell G-d I trust Him to orchestrate my life, but then I take the reigns right back and I begin to tell him what I want from life, in a husband, and random things throughout the day. Why? I'm not Him, I don't know what's best for me. Maybe He needs me to finish nursing school in 4.5 or 5 years instead of the 4 year program I am trying for. Maybe He doesn't even want me to be a nurse. I don't know. Perhaps I need to stay single and not be a mother for whatever reason. It sucks constantly not knowing what life is going to be like, where I am going, or what's going to happen. But it's in those times that my faith is strengthened and life is the smoothest when I finally surrender and let G-d do what He is going to do. How do I get back to the state of surrender? How do I stay in that state instead of trying to control everything again?

Silly Mom

I just talked to my mom on the phone and mentioned that I think I am mentally unstable and she should get used to the fact that I may not be able to produce offspring for her... She laughed for a solid 5 minutes before being able to talk again.

She says I'm not mentally unstable and that I'm emotionally not mature enough, but she doesn't know the craziness that is in my head all the time! My brain does not even have normal functioning anymore. It's a miracle I can still even breathe on my own and feed myself.

By the way, I just Googled emotionally and mentally unstable, I fit most of the symptoms of emotional instability which means I may have a borderline personality disorder. Good news is that I already knew that. Bad news is that I am a hypochondriac that keeps getting the symptoms confirmed by silly websites online. I should be cut off from the internet because this is not a good situation for me...

On the brightest side, I made my mom laugh. I love making people laugh because it doesn't happen often. Also, I like to know that my mom is not worried about me too much that she can laugh when I bring new ridiculous problem to her.

Back to my paper. I have written a page and a half in a little over 3 hours and 10 pages are due tomorrow. Too bad my teacher can't just count all the posts I've written since sitting down to write said paper.