As you have read over the past several months, I have been feeling this call for me to begin sharing my story. I feel like I am meant to share bits of my story, in order to hopefully either prevent others from walking the same road I've walked, or to help others who are healing by walking along side them and being able to connect with them in that way. There are countless other ways that stories can be used, like showing G-d's great power and redemption and love for us... etc.
During this time, after G-d whispered that He wanted me to begin to share, I began "researching" what it meant to share a story... personal story... Trying to get a handle on what it would mean to share my story. After weeks of torturing myself and over-thinking things (I mean, I never do that... Ha, that's a joke, I'm a pro over-thinker!), I kinda just coasted and stopped my intensive search for understanding on this matter. When I began to forget about this mission G-d gave me, that's when He began bringing the answers to me instead of me going to find them!
Side note: it is important to seek answers. When G-d gives you a mission, ask Him how He wants you to fulfill it! It seems so simple, right? He wants you to do something, of course He'll know how you need to go about doing things to accomplish the task at hand. Now, while this is true, He won't always show/tell you what/how to do things right away. There may be days, weeks, months, or even years of waiting. The seasons of waiting are important, wonderful, and incredibly difficult oftentimes. This is where the true growth comes from. If G-d just gave you the end result without the suffering (my word, not His) in the middle, then where would we have chances to increase our faith and trust? When would we get a chance to hear Him in the whisper or watch Him part the Red Sea? If there is no time or chance for Him to work in our lives, how will we learn to recognize His hand at work? It's all about the process, not just about the goal and end. In the waiting, continue to seek Him, to ask Him about what it is you're supposed to be doing, and LISTEN! You have to remain active and don't just expect a miracle without putting in some sort of leg work and showing a little bit of faith.
For me, with my story, it was in the least expected ways that He began to weave the theme of "story" throughout my life for several weeks. In the bible study I was in, suddenly the whole bible study began discussing the importance of sharing your story and what it can show about G-d and how it can help others. I began another bible study with some ladies and the book was solely stories of some amazing women that have walked difficult roads (Surprised by the Healer by Linda Dillow and Juli Slattery). The bible study focused on our stories. I did not continue on with the study, but I appreciate where they are coming from and trying to accomplish. My group therapy is all about our stories! We have stories within our bigger picture story and us being able to connect within all of these layers. I was getting bombarded with these things from all angles for weeks and weeks!!!
Through all of this, I have been incredibly blessed by some stories, and incredibly taken aback by others. There are times where I can feel so bonded with certain people over the bits of their story that they share. Whereas other stories can build up walls and cause friction between friends. It's a fine line learning to share enough in vulnerability and sharing as a means of a verbal dumping (*aka: verbal diarrhea*). On the one had, vulnerability shows a place of growth, the beginning of healing, and an earnest desire for the person to move forward from that dark place. In the verbal dumping, the person cannot stop sharing. They tend to share far too many details, cannot and will not accept encouragement of gentle counseling related to the stories they share. This type of sharing is best done with a counselor because it is a form of processing where your mind and heart are still trying to simply remember the details and the person sharing is not really able to move forward from that place yet. Sharing in this was does not benefit the sharer nor the person listening because there is no lesson to be learned (on the surface), there is no help to be rendered, and there is not a desire or willingness to move on from simply remembering what has happened.
While sharing, even in this verbal dumping phase (can also occur via writing, L-rd knows y'all have read my verbal dumpings several times!), is important on the road to healing, it is a dangerous place to be. This place is an area that can continue to cause further hurt to the sharer because of a lack of boundaries. Lack of boundaries to know who to share these things with and who to keep these things from. There is a danger in sharing with others because the other person can become severely impacted by what they learn! These things can cause a sort of secondary trauma to the listener, if the listener is not legitimately and professionally trained. Due to the disparities of why things are dangerous to different parties involved, huge walls can be built. The listener will begin to back away, clam up, and have a difficult time being around the sharer. The sharer, sensing this, can begin to internalize this imposed isolation as being their fault and they may believe they deserve to be isolated because of the things they've experienced (I'm not speaking from experience or anything...). This can begin a terrible cycle of self sabotage and isolation when community can be so very healing.
However, like I said before, it's all a process. Without the trial and error of sharing ith the wrong people, how are you going to be able to test boundaries and learn what is okay to share, when is the right time, and who deserves to hear certain aspects of your story (and go slowly with the sharing!!!). There is beauty in the process, and great things to be gained from the suffering of going through it. Don't cause suffering trying to bring about the process of healing and learning these things. I assure you, the process will take place all without you forcing anything. But go about it prayerfully, and while listening to the L-rd. You guys know, that's a process unto itself.
While I was processing all of these things about story sharing, learning safe was to share and what it looks like to verbally dump, and beginning to understand why we need healing to be a process, I had an interesting theme come up.
I just so happened to be on the receiving end of my friend's story. I was attempting to lovingly counsel her in a strictly friendly way, using my tiny little bit of nursing counseling skills with my ability to comfort. However, despite whatever I said, or did to encourage her, or how I responded, none of it was to any use. She didn't accept comfort. She didn't want to be encouraged to change her life. She did not want any counsel, G-dly or otherwise. She didn't want anything but a listening ear, and I think that was even optional. What she needed, was to simply talk. This was a classic example of a verbal dump. My offered help was shot down, and none too lightly. She asked for advice and input, but would promptly refuse it.
Throughout all of this encouragement, counseling, listening, and attempt to help her solve the problems she asked for advice for, she kept saying she keeps asking for a miracle. She says things like: if only G-d would perform a miracle (and she gave specific examples of what she wanted the miracle[s] to be), then her life would be better. If only things happened the way she required, without her changing her life choices or lifestyle at all, then she would be able to believe in G-d and her life would be able to be turned around. She wants community, but doesn't want to wake up a little early to go to church, or take time to go to a bible study, or do anything to go an find people to add to her social circle. She wants to be married to a wonderful man, who is pure and kind and patient and gracious, but she does not want to give up the dating culture she has cultivated for herself. She wants a marriage, convinced that marriage will solve all of her problems and make her happier than she ever imagined, but she refuses to make steps to make herself marry-able, upstanding, desirable for a man who would be willing to settle down, and she refuses to make any lifestyle changes whatsoever.
As frustrating as this sounds, do we not all do it? If only G-d kept me from sexual abuse, terrible boyfriends, and gave me the husband/life I wanted when I wanted it, then my life would be better. If only He would bring a miracle about, then I would be able to change my heart and my life will follow. If only this had happened, then life could get better and I would be happy and there would be no further problems in my life.
Lies!
We all know G-d could perform a miracle and drop a guy into your lap and this guy could treat you like a queen. He could be pure and kind and gracious and forgiving and absolutely wonderful beyond belief! However, if you have not worked with the L-rd to fix your life, then don't expect it to be solved because home-boy is now in the picture. If you have unhealthy coping skills that are causing major problems in your life (i.e. drinking to deal with stress and bad days, smoking, sleeping with guys to feel better when you're feeling down, etc.), these things will only pop back up when you face those problems when within the marriage. Don't think those problems won't come back to bite you and when that happens, you will be highly likely to be tempted by your previous "coping skills". When tempted, if it has not been addressed and worked through (even if only partially) before the miracle marriage takes place, then there is a very slim chance that the habit will just have been broken by a marriage. And, when such a "coping skill" is reverted back to within a marriage, how wil that effect your spouse? If you cope with feeling bad about yourself by sleeping with the next guy that you think is cute and that feeds you some lines about how adorable you are, how will that (sex with another guy) effect your spouse and your marriage? This problem will come up again and just being married will not fix it nor will it automatically cause you to depend on your spouse for full validation for that problem.
Do you guys see what I'm saying?
Now, this is all fine and dandy, but I felt like G-d was saying something more about this. I still demand miracles sometimes. How dumb am I? I can't demand G-d to do anything! He'll just laugh at me and do whatever it is that He wanted to do anyway. All in a loving way, of course.
Upon further prayer and much thought, especially when in the shower and driving, it occurred to me that most miracles occurred after some sort of step of faith. Ruth followed Naomi to Naomi's home country before she (Ruth) was given opportunities to get to know Boaz before they married. The Israelites walked to the Red Sea and just kept walking into it as G-d worked to part the waters. Likewise, those carrying the Ark of the Covenant walked into the river (Jordan River?) as G-d stopped up the river and allowed His people to cross over into Canaan. Esther went to the king, without a summoning by him, in a step of faith to protect her people from Haman, when she knew good and well that she could be walking to her death. How many countless other miracles requires some sort of step of faith?!? I could go on for days!!! Of course, there are always exceptions and situations where this is not seen, but it seems to be a pattern that some sort of faith needs to be shown so that faith can be stretched and grown!
I believe that me being here is a miracle. There are too many instances in my story where I could have died at the hands of others, or by circumstances I inflicted upon myself. L-rd knows I tried hard enough, several times, to simply be rid of the world. I could be stuck in anger and denial at what has happened to me, but G-d has shown me grace beyond measures and more love than ever imaginable. Because of this, He has allowed my story to continue on towards healing, instead of Hm allowing me to be stuck in the trauma. He brought me from dumping, to sharing and walking with others. That certainly does not happen for everyone. I want to continue to see the miracles He works in my life and I cannot wait to see all that He redeems in my story, so I will continue to walk in faith. Right now, this means potentially beginning a bible study and organizing women to come and walk alongside each other. I see miracles every day, and my faith grows with each of these instances.
I am blessed beyond measure.
With much love, continue on towards your miracles my friends,
BA
Showing posts with label my story. Show all posts
Showing posts with label my story. Show all posts
Thursday, April 12, 2018
Wednesday, March 21, 2018
Bible Studies
Bible studies are supposed to be feel-good experiences, right? Times in life where you can go, connect with believers in your church/congregations, and learn about G-d. Am I right in this? Or are these just thoughts coming from left field?
Maybe I'm just one of the few that have found bible studies that have caused me to question many things that have held fast as "truths" in my life. I've been a part of a couple of studies now, that have shaken me thoroughly. All for good, but it's been a rough ride, nonetheless.
I've wrestled with G-d. I've sobbed uncontrollably. I've begun to hope for a fresh start and a newness in my walk. Most of all, I've discovered that many of the "truths" I've learned throughout my life have been nothing more than deep seated lies that I, unfortunately, clung to because it was all I had.
Bible study #1: The Quest: An Excursion Toward Intimacy with God - by Beth Moore
Bible study #2: Anointed, Transformed, Redeemed: A Study of David - by Priscilla Shirer, Beth Moore, and Kay Arthur
Bible study #3: Surprised by the Healer: Embracing Hope for Your Broken Story - by Linda Dillow and Dr. Juli Slattery
First off, I'm still in the middle of bible study #2 and just started #3 last week (I got the book today). All I can say is oh. my. goodness.
Y'all, I read Surprised by the Healer all today! It's composed of 9 women's stories of sexual brokenness, of one type or another, and I could not read it fast enough. I plumb gobbled it up! It took me all of about 5.5 hours to complete, with bathroom and Facebook breaks (because these stories are all intense), and I completed it all in an evening. Granted, there is a bible study with questions that is at the end of the book, that I haven't started on, but I read all of the stories through.
The Quest had me wrestling, sobbing, yelling, angry, and fighting to come closer to G-d. He broke down walls, let me have my tantrums, but He didn't let me stay there in the anger. My ladies at bible study prayed for healing for me after the second or third week of me going to my counselor overwhelmed, and He started healing me in more tangible ways. The ladies didn't know what I needed healing from. They initially didn't know how He had healed me when I came back thanking them for praying. Last week, for the first time, I shared a bit more of my story with them and He extended even more healing to me through that. This bible study is the exact bible study I needed at this time in my life. It wouldn't have helped any earlier, and L-rd knows I needed to not wait any longer. It is the beginning of a season of true healing and grace for me, and it is still difficult, but the lines of communication are no longer muffled between the Good L-rd and I (muffled because of walls I put up, obviously He doesn't put up walls!)
Anointed, Transformed, Redeemed is a study I am still working through. G-d is allowing me to take a deeper look at the life of David, and the mistakes he made, while also seeing why he was called "a man after G-d's own heart". As mentioned in the study, "not all devastation begins with sin" (slight paraphrase because the "quote" was solely based on my limited memory). G-d brings us through pain and tribulation that is sometimes a result of sin, but sometimes it's simply a result of other people choosing evil and you just so happen to be the one that gets hurt. L-rd knows I've sinned a lot in my life, but sometimes, not every bad thing that happens to me is my fault. I didn't deserve the assaults, the rape, the abuse, the problems. I didn't ask for them and I certainly didn't make anyone hurt me the way that they did. Unfortunately, I was unable to make better choices to prevent these things from happening, but I was also not well equipped, and so I'm struggling to show myself grace for fighting with my limited defense choices.
Folks, these bible studies have allowed G-d to awaken a deep desire to know Him that has been hidden away for years. Surprised by the Healer mentions that pain can be a good thing. Pain can allow you to come to the end of yourself, to let you understand brokenness so that you can actually understand healing and love. Pain can knock you out of your rut, your routine "religious/Christian/perfect/faith-filled" life into a life of true faith, true intimacy with G-d, and true devotion. Only when you have experienced pain can you truly understand why it is that you need G-d and how He provides for you. Intimacy is something I so crave; from friends, relationships, family, G-d. I don't like the surface-level questions and answers. When I ask how you are, I want to know how you are. I want to know your struggles, your joys, your real-life miracles. I want to be able to see how G-d is working in your life, and how you have been able to overcome the unthinkable. I want to have in-depth discussions of what G-d is speaking to you about, what He is showing you in the Word, and how you are applying that to your life. I want to be able to walk beside you in life and be able to glean wisdom from your life, and you can maybe glean some wisdom from mine. I want the kind of intimacy where G-d comes and sits at the coffee table with us, and infuses our time with the highest of highs, because He is walking with us and letting us learn through our lows.
I'm so sick of talking about clothes, the weather, if I'm dating anyone right now, and how my family is.
I want to know people.
I want people to know me.
I just want to know that the struggles I've faced were not faced in vain and alone. I want to know that come kind of good can come from the pain I've experienced. I want to know that my story has either prevented someone else from experiencing the same things I have, or that my story is able to bring comfort and healing to someone who has already walked through something similar.
I want to know that this is not all for nothing. That something good can come from this mess.
I want to know that I will not die, keeping secrets buried with me, that could have helped someone. Anyone. Even if it's a single person, in the entirety of time, at least it was of benefit to them.
I need to know that there is something more to all of this suffering. And my story is not even close to being the worst I've read or heard from others!!!
How can I be used to help in healing others? I haven't experienced the worst of pains, but the pain I have is the worst I've survived. How am I supposed to be able to speak life into others? How can my life be used to bring any comfort or support to someone else? How can G-d use a little baby nurse to do His work?
I feel absolutely inadequate to do much of anything. I don't even know how to keep friends for any length of time because I push them away or I attracted the types of people that only hang out with me while I am beneficial to them. How is that supposed to be any help if relationships aren't my strong suit? Don't even get me started on dating or marriage!!!
I want G-d to use my story, my life. I just can't imagine how He'll do it.
And yet, I feel called to something bigger.
Maybe I'm just one of the few that have found bible studies that have caused me to question many things that have held fast as "truths" in my life. I've been a part of a couple of studies now, that have shaken me thoroughly. All for good, but it's been a rough ride, nonetheless.
I've wrestled with G-d. I've sobbed uncontrollably. I've begun to hope for a fresh start and a newness in my walk. Most of all, I've discovered that many of the "truths" I've learned throughout my life have been nothing more than deep seated lies that I, unfortunately, clung to because it was all I had.
Bible study #1: The Quest: An Excursion Toward Intimacy with God - by Beth Moore
Bible study #2: Anointed, Transformed, Redeemed: A Study of David - by Priscilla Shirer, Beth Moore, and Kay Arthur
Bible study #3: Surprised by the Healer: Embracing Hope for Your Broken Story - by Linda Dillow and Dr. Juli Slattery
First off, I'm still in the middle of bible study #2 and just started #3 last week (I got the book today). All I can say is oh. my. goodness.
Y'all, I read Surprised by the Healer all today! It's composed of 9 women's stories of sexual brokenness, of one type or another, and I could not read it fast enough. I plumb gobbled it up! It took me all of about 5.5 hours to complete, with bathroom and Facebook breaks (because these stories are all intense), and I completed it all in an evening. Granted, there is a bible study with questions that is at the end of the book, that I haven't started on, but I read all of the stories through.
The Quest had me wrestling, sobbing, yelling, angry, and fighting to come closer to G-d. He broke down walls, let me have my tantrums, but He didn't let me stay there in the anger. My ladies at bible study prayed for healing for me after the second or third week of me going to my counselor overwhelmed, and He started healing me in more tangible ways. The ladies didn't know what I needed healing from. They initially didn't know how He had healed me when I came back thanking them for praying. Last week, for the first time, I shared a bit more of my story with them and He extended even more healing to me through that. This bible study is the exact bible study I needed at this time in my life. It wouldn't have helped any earlier, and L-rd knows I needed to not wait any longer. It is the beginning of a season of true healing and grace for me, and it is still difficult, but the lines of communication are no longer muffled between the Good L-rd and I (muffled because of walls I put up, obviously He doesn't put up walls!)
Anointed, Transformed, Redeemed is a study I am still working through. G-d is allowing me to take a deeper look at the life of David, and the mistakes he made, while also seeing why he was called "a man after G-d's own heart". As mentioned in the study, "not all devastation begins with sin" (slight paraphrase because the "quote" was solely based on my limited memory). G-d brings us through pain and tribulation that is sometimes a result of sin, but sometimes it's simply a result of other people choosing evil and you just so happen to be the one that gets hurt. L-rd knows I've sinned a lot in my life, but sometimes, not every bad thing that happens to me is my fault. I didn't deserve the assaults, the rape, the abuse, the problems. I didn't ask for them and I certainly didn't make anyone hurt me the way that they did. Unfortunately, I was unable to make better choices to prevent these things from happening, but I was also not well equipped, and so I'm struggling to show myself grace for fighting with my limited defense choices.
Folks, these bible studies have allowed G-d to awaken a deep desire to know Him that has been hidden away for years. Surprised by the Healer mentions that pain can be a good thing. Pain can allow you to come to the end of yourself, to let you understand brokenness so that you can actually understand healing and love. Pain can knock you out of your rut, your routine "religious/Christian/perfect/faith-filled" life into a life of true faith, true intimacy with G-d, and true devotion. Only when you have experienced pain can you truly understand why it is that you need G-d and how He provides for you. Intimacy is something I so crave; from friends, relationships, family, G-d. I don't like the surface-level questions and answers. When I ask how you are, I want to know how you are. I want to know your struggles, your joys, your real-life miracles. I want to be able to see how G-d is working in your life, and how you have been able to overcome the unthinkable. I want to have in-depth discussions of what G-d is speaking to you about, what He is showing you in the Word, and how you are applying that to your life. I want to be able to walk beside you in life and be able to glean wisdom from your life, and you can maybe glean some wisdom from mine. I want the kind of intimacy where G-d comes and sits at the coffee table with us, and infuses our time with the highest of highs, because He is walking with us and letting us learn through our lows.
I'm so sick of talking about clothes, the weather, if I'm dating anyone right now, and how my family is.
I want to know people.
I want people to know me.
I just want to know that the struggles I've faced were not faced in vain and alone. I want to know that come kind of good can come from the pain I've experienced. I want to know that my story has either prevented someone else from experiencing the same things I have, or that my story is able to bring comfort and healing to someone who has already walked through something similar.
I want to know that this is not all for nothing. That something good can come from this mess.
I want to know that I will not die, keeping secrets buried with me, that could have helped someone. Anyone. Even if it's a single person, in the entirety of time, at least it was of benefit to them.
I need to know that there is something more to all of this suffering. And my story is not even close to being the worst I've read or heard from others!!!
How can I be used to help in healing others? I haven't experienced the worst of pains, but the pain I have is the worst I've survived. How am I supposed to be able to speak life into others? How can my life be used to bring any comfort or support to someone else? How can G-d use a little baby nurse to do His work?
I feel absolutely inadequate to do much of anything. I don't even know how to keep friends for any length of time because I push them away or I attracted the types of people that only hang out with me while I am beneficial to them. How is that supposed to be any help if relationships aren't my strong suit? Don't even get me started on dating or marriage!!!
I want G-d to use my story, my life. I just can't imagine how He'll do it.
And yet, I feel called to something bigger.
Friday, March 16, 2018
Sharing My Story
This is not the post where I will share my story. However, I am recounting to you, how I did share it... yesterday.
Every Thursday, I go to bible study at a local church. This is not the church I regularly attend, but it is one I have tried a couple times through college, and so I am not afraid to go, I'm just not a regular. A few months ago, I decided I wanted to start going to a bible study, and I searched many churches in town. This particular church was going to be starting a fresh "semester" in a few weeks and I knew that many of the ladies I work with went there. So, I started asking around and one lady from work told me she had been thinking about going to this study. We agreed to start together and it's been wonderful! She and I are not in the same small group within the bible study, and that is okay. It's nice just knowing that she is there and to be able to see her every once in a while.
Last week, during bible study, I felt that G-d was speaking to me that I would be sharing my story this week. Yes, I scoffed at Him a little bit, but I also told Him that if He would lead me and give me the words, I would go. If you have read a few posts ago, I felt as though G-d has been telling me to get ready to begin sharing it. I, of course, met Him with questions and slight trepidation that He won't just tell me when, where, how, who, or what. Alas, that is not how He often operates with me.
This week, I was sitting through the video and, again, clear as day I heard Him tell me I was going to share "today" (that was yesterday). The video ended, we broke into our small groups, and we shared prayer requests and prayed, as usual. When we got to talking about this week's study, one lady (who I have so appreciated because she shared her story with us) began to talk about this week's study and what it has meant to her. Then He told me to share. It was related to what she was talking about, so I branched off of that. I began talking, my lip started to quiver, tears filled my eyes, but I kept talking. As I continued, I began to cry, which I have a very difficult time doing in front of others, but I continued on. When I finished (I only talked for less than 5 minutes), I was all but sobbing and the leader of the group and the lady that I have come to so appreciate for her story, they both came up and hugged me. Of course, this lead to more crying, the kind where you can't breathe anymore.
When I came to and got better use of my vision, I noticed many of the women were crying right along with me. They were hurting for the pain I've been experiencing for so long. They were hurting for a young lady, with so much life before her, having been hurt at a fairly young age. They encouraged me, thanked me for sharing, and praised the L-rd that when they came together and asked for healing for me several week prior, that He answered the prayers so immediately and I was now able to share with them the results. I was able to share with them my vision of the White Robe and the verse when G-d told Peter to kill and eat. Peter resisted, because these animals were un-kosher and "unclean". 3 times G-d told him to eat, and 3 times Peter resisted. Then, G-d told Peter to "not call unclean, that which I have called clean." This scene also came to my mind, with the White Robe vision, and I finally accepted that I have been made clean. That I have been forgiven. That I am untarnished, not wasted, and more precious than anyone could ever understand, to the One who made me and continues to carry me.
After telling my story (in very little detail, mostly just that I have been abused and have C-PTSD), these women I have come to care for so deeply (at an arms length, of course) did not shun me, forsake me, nor break my heart with faces that showed their broken hearts. Instead, I saw in them a sense of understanding in my bible study responses and prayer requests, as well as an appreciation for how far I have come in such a short time. They watched me go from reserved, to angry, to struggling internally, to excited at sudden healing, to now. Now, I am in a place of battle, but much less wearisome. I am in a place where I am hearing G-d speak so clearly to me, that I need to share and help other girls, ladies, women, people, through the turbulence of surviving sexual assault and abuse. I don't know how, who, where, when, or what, but I know that I have been called clearly.
This is the first time, since I was in middle school and committed myself to G-d, that I have been able to hear Him this clearly. I don't want this to stop. I feel like I have had ear plugs in for year and I could hear Him faintly, but now I've taken them out and can hear Him so much better. Praise the L-rd.
'Til next time, friends.
Every Thursday, I go to bible study at a local church. This is not the church I regularly attend, but it is one I have tried a couple times through college, and so I am not afraid to go, I'm just not a regular. A few months ago, I decided I wanted to start going to a bible study, and I searched many churches in town. This particular church was going to be starting a fresh "semester" in a few weeks and I knew that many of the ladies I work with went there. So, I started asking around and one lady from work told me she had been thinking about going to this study. We agreed to start together and it's been wonderful! She and I are not in the same small group within the bible study, and that is okay. It's nice just knowing that she is there and to be able to see her every once in a while.
Last week, during bible study, I felt that G-d was speaking to me that I would be sharing my story this week. Yes, I scoffed at Him a little bit, but I also told Him that if He would lead me and give me the words, I would go. If you have read a few posts ago, I felt as though G-d has been telling me to get ready to begin sharing it. I, of course, met Him with questions and slight trepidation that He won't just tell me when, where, how, who, or what. Alas, that is not how He often operates with me.
This week, I was sitting through the video and, again, clear as day I heard Him tell me I was going to share "today" (that was yesterday). The video ended, we broke into our small groups, and we shared prayer requests and prayed, as usual. When we got to talking about this week's study, one lady (who I have so appreciated because she shared her story with us) began to talk about this week's study and what it has meant to her. Then He told me to share. It was related to what she was talking about, so I branched off of that. I began talking, my lip started to quiver, tears filled my eyes, but I kept talking. As I continued, I began to cry, which I have a very difficult time doing in front of others, but I continued on. When I finished (I only talked for less than 5 minutes), I was all but sobbing and the leader of the group and the lady that I have come to so appreciate for her story, they both came up and hugged me. Of course, this lead to more crying, the kind where you can't breathe anymore.
When I came to and got better use of my vision, I noticed many of the women were crying right along with me. They were hurting for the pain I've been experiencing for so long. They were hurting for a young lady, with so much life before her, having been hurt at a fairly young age. They encouraged me, thanked me for sharing, and praised the L-rd that when they came together and asked for healing for me several week prior, that He answered the prayers so immediately and I was now able to share with them the results. I was able to share with them my vision of the White Robe and the verse when G-d told Peter to kill and eat. Peter resisted, because these animals were un-kosher and "unclean". 3 times G-d told him to eat, and 3 times Peter resisted. Then, G-d told Peter to "not call unclean, that which I have called clean." This scene also came to my mind, with the White Robe vision, and I finally accepted that I have been made clean. That I have been forgiven. That I am untarnished, not wasted, and more precious than anyone could ever understand, to the One who made me and continues to carry me.
After telling my story (in very little detail, mostly just that I have been abused and have C-PTSD), these women I have come to care for so deeply (at an arms length, of course) did not shun me, forsake me, nor break my heart with faces that showed their broken hearts. Instead, I saw in them a sense of understanding in my bible study responses and prayer requests, as well as an appreciation for how far I have come in such a short time. They watched me go from reserved, to angry, to struggling internally, to excited at sudden healing, to now. Now, I am in a place of battle, but much less wearisome. I am in a place where I am hearing G-d speak so clearly to me, that I need to share and help other girls, ladies, women, people, through the turbulence of surviving sexual assault and abuse. I don't know how, who, where, when, or what, but I know that I have been called clearly.
This is the first time, since I was in middle school and committed myself to G-d, that I have been able to hear Him this clearly. I don't want this to stop. I feel like I have had ear plugs in for year and I could hear Him faintly, but now I've taken them out and can hear Him so much better. Praise the L-rd.
'Til next time, friends.
Sunday, February 18, 2018
Some Push to Know "My Story"
In the last week, I have been slapped in the face, by G-d, several times to get my story figured out. There have been somewhere around 5 or more times that this has come up in this last week. I kid you not!
- Group therapy
- Individual counseling
- Bible study (several times over 3 week's worth of lessons, but I was behind on these particular lessons until just now... like G-d planned me being late on completing them or something...)
- Church service last night
- My "fun" fictional reading book about Ruth and Boaz
I know there have been other instances, but I cannot figure them out right now.
WHAT IS THIS PUSH FOR ME TO WRITE OUT MY STORY???!!!???
My story. The reason for the Hope that I have in the L-rd. Why I keep going.
But who am I going to tell? What is it that they need to hear from it? What is supposed to be used for someone else? It seems so many people around me are sharing their stories in a sentence or two. Am I supposed to keep it that short? Am I supposed to talk of Country Boy's suicide? Of what my childhood was like? How long is it supposed to be? Are we doing the G rated version or something a little more PG to PG-13. Obviously not with too many details, but I can tune those down while painting a picture for people. What audience am I writing for? How many people are there? How old are they? Do we want them to despise the male gender? Do I have to share about exBest Friend's crap? How long or short is it supposed to be ???!!!??? I NEED A RUBRIC AND SPECIFICATIONS!!!
I'm working on it folks. Stay tuned.
Friday, January 29, 2016
A Little Bit Stronger
This is a song title by Sara Evans about her journey towards getting to the downhill point of a break up. She is finally getting out of bed and getting ready so that she can go get on with her "normal" life. Well, this kind of describes me, but I am getting stronger. Thank you Nurse Dee for pointing it out to me in the comment I got to read today!
So do you guys remember how I had a friend go off on me after class last week in person and over text because I'm a bad friend? Well, she asked me to hang out this weekend. I was giving her short answers because I didn't want to talk, especially not to particular people at that moment. Well, she called me out for being short with her and asked if I was okay and if we were "okay". I think she presently regrets asking that...
I proceeded to ask her if she has gone to Beauty about what I was lectured on because she kept saying she was bothered by Beauty and I. So, why would she not go to Beauty and instead take it out on me? I explained that I understand where she was coming from, but that I felt like I was getting kicked while I was down because I'm going through really personal stuff right now. I told her that I try my best to put aside my own problems to be able to "be there" for friends when they are lonely, hurt, happy, or whatever else may come up, but that I need to focus on me right now. Work is also something that I had to plan in the equation and so even though she makes plans, that doesn't mean I can always shift everything around in order to hang out with people. My side was not heard or solicited and I felt completely attacked when I hadn't been deserving of that because I work really hard to be a good friend but I was getting picked on for missing one or two events she planned.
I got 5 novel length texts in response explaining to me why I was the target of this explosion. There was a "sorry, but..." which means that the apology is not legitimately an apology. She is saying sorry because she thinks that's what I want to hear, but she isn't really sorry for what she did. She's sorry that I called her out on being so rude to someone who is not really surviving right now. She's sorry I'm upset and don't want to hang out with her for awhile or maybe ever. She's sorry that she is stressed now because I'm not going to continue to back down to her the way I have for her and many of my other friends in the past. I'm over it.
I told her I forgive her, but that I need some time because I'm really hurt. I don't say "it's okay" when others apologize because what she did wasn't okay. However, I feel like telling her that I "forgive her but that I'm still hurt and need time for me" shows her that I'm not holding a grudge, what she did wasn't okay, and I now need to heal from the damage she caused.
I explained that Beauty invited me to the mall because she knew I was having a hard day and probably needed to vent and process things out loud with someone while also having a distraction available if need be. I told her I didn't want to talk about my troubles (because she is usually one to try to dig for the scoop) and that she also knows more than most people in my life (by accident... but she doesn't know it was an accident).
She concluded by telling me she doesn't believe I actually forgave her.
Well, okay. I really did forgive her. That's why I'm happier and lighter right now. I'm not stressing because this shit is on her now. I spoke my peace. I let her know she hurt me and that what she did was absolutely not okay, especially to someone in my current shoes, even though she only knows about exboyfriend and has no idea what exfiance did to me. She does know, however, fiance and I broke up. Even if a friend was going through just a simple break up, you give them SPACE!!!
C'MON PEOPLE! This is a common sense thing. Why do people think that common courtesy goes out the window when it comes to ME going through things?
Is it because I don't act all down and depressed when I'm with friends? Am I not being dramatic enough? Do they expect me to talk about everything and tell the whole world the deeply painful and incredibly intimate details of my completely broken life? What the fuck do these people want from me?
I deal with things privately and put on a face, as best I can, when I go out in public. That was how I was raised and it suits me well because I don't like people in my business. My friends may see that I'm slightly less enthusiastic and more reserved, but they don't understand me at all. They don't know that I was diagnosed with complex PTSD and that my focus and counseling homework right now is just to drink water and make sure I eat every day. In fact, they don't know I'm in counseling. Not knowing the details of my life is not their fault, I choose to keep these things to myself. It makes life easier for me, believe it or not.
Regardless, you just don't treat people the way I have been treated, despite whether they are going through anything difficult in life or not. Really, that is the basis of my frustration. Even though this friend doesn't know my full story, she does know that exboyfriend messed me up really bad and she knows he raped me. So, yelling at me for hours and hours is inexcusable. Plus, she told me she went off on me even though she's frustrated with Beauty. Again, NOT MY FUCKING FAULT! Take up your frustrations with her or figure out some other way to deal with your own shit. You don't dump it on your friend who is moments from death at every turn she takes in life.
Yes, I forgave her, but I don't have to keep her close just because I forgave her. Forgiveness sets me free (the person who was hurt) way more than it sets the offender (the friend) free.
I forgave exboyfriend. That doesn't mean you will ever see me hang out with him, but I am free from the burden on holding a grudge against him because I am letting that go so that G-d can deal with him however He sees fit. I forgave exfiance. That doesn't mean I am going to get back together with him. I forgave Country Boy. He's dead so that was also mostly for me. I forgave Roommate from last year from her and her family attacking me. I forgave my freshman year dorm roommates. I forgive lots of people. However, you will not see me with many of these people because they are toxic leeches on the tapestry of my life. Recently, my tapestry seems to be imploding and spontaneously combusting, but you still won't see them coming along in my story any longer.
This friend has met the end of her role in my story. I will still be nice to her, but I'm over bending over backwards to make sure she is happy with her social life when my physical body is riding the line between shutting down and creeping along.
Yet, the end of the story of the aforementioned people brings in a new freshness, excitement, joy, and freedom in my life. I feel like my story is beginning a new chapter. Between "telling" this friend off and telling exfiance to back off and leave me alone for the final time (hopefully) today. I'm all about trying to create boundaries. I've also sternly discussed my struggle with my brother and dad not making me priority in any way in their lives while I'm expected to drop everything for them and also listen to their incredibly long lectures about how I suck. All of these people have something in common: they all dump on me for what they get frustrated with in their relationships with other people in their life. They all take it out on me. Guess what! I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! That, my friends, is glorious. Explaining this to my friend, Dad, Brother, and exfiance is just the first baby step towards better, stronger, actually existing boundaries in my life.
I started reading Boudaries, by the way.
I'm so excited to tell my Counselor on Tuesday about everything that I've been doing this week! My homework was to drink more water, continue to eat, and take it easy because of my lack of sleep. We discussed how frustrated I got when my friend went off on me. I discussed what I had wanted to say and she asked why I didn't tell her those things. Well, it wasn't even my homework but I told her those things!!! It was completely with the help of my new Roomie. She proofread my texts to make sure I was being as objective as possible and also to make sure I was being clear enough and not beating around the bush. Yay New Roomie!
YAY ME!!!!! I have been eating better, drinking way more water, sleeping slightly better... kinda... sometimes... and I told people when they hurt me (which was a bonus).
So do you guys remember how I had a friend go off on me after class last week in person and over text because I'm a bad friend? Well, she asked me to hang out this weekend. I was giving her short answers because I didn't want to talk, especially not to particular people at that moment. Well, she called me out for being short with her and asked if I was okay and if we were "okay". I think she presently regrets asking that...
I proceeded to ask her if she has gone to Beauty about what I was lectured on because she kept saying she was bothered by Beauty and I. So, why would she not go to Beauty and instead take it out on me? I explained that I understand where she was coming from, but that I felt like I was getting kicked while I was down because I'm going through really personal stuff right now. I told her that I try my best to put aside my own problems to be able to "be there" for friends when they are lonely, hurt, happy, or whatever else may come up, but that I need to focus on me right now. Work is also something that I had to plan in the equation and so even though she makes plans, that doesn't mean I can always shift everything around in order to hang out with people. My side was not heard or solicited and I felt completely attacked when I hadn't been deserving of that because I work really hard to be a good friend but I was getting picked on for missing one or two events she planned.
I got 5 novel length texts in response explaining to me why I was the target of this explosion. There was a "sorry, but..." which means that the apology is not legitimately an apology. She is saying sorry because she thinks that's what I want to hear, but she isn't really sorry for what she did. She's sorry that I called her out on being so rude to someone who is not really surviving right now. She's sorry I'm upset and don't want to hang out with her for awhile or maybe ever. She's sorry that she is stressed now because I'm not going to continue to back down to her the way I have for her and many of my other friends in the past. I'm over it.
I told her I forgive her, but that I need some time because I'm really hurt. I don't say "it's okay" when others apologize because what she did wasn't okay. However, I feel like telling her that I "forgive her but that I'm still hurt and need time for me" shows her that I'm not holding a grudge, what she did wasn't okay, and I now need to heal from the damage she caused.
I explained that Beauty invited me to the mall because she knew I was having a hard day and probably needed to vent and process things out loud with someone while also having a distraction available if need be. I told her I didn't want to talk about my troubles (because she is usually one to try to dig for the scoop) and that she also knows more than most people in my life (by accident... but she doesn't know it was an accident).
She concluded by telling me she doesn't believe I actually forgave her.
Well, okay. I really did forgive her. That's why I'm happier and lighter right now. I'm not stressing because this shit is on her now. I spoke my peace. I let her know she hurt me and that what she did was absolutely not okay, especially to someone in my current shoes, even though she only knows about exboyfriend and has no idea what exfiance did to me. She does know, however, fiance and I broke up. Even if a friend was going through just a simple break up, you give them SPACE!!!
C'MON PEOPLE! This is a common sense thing. Why do people think that common courtesy goes out the window when it comes to ME going through things?
Is it because I don't act all down and depressed when I'm with friends? Am I not being dramatic enough? Do they expect me to talk about everything and tell the whole world the deeply painful and incredibly intimate details of my completely broken life? What the fuck do these people want from me?
I deal with things privately and put on a face, as best I can, when I go out in public. That was how I was raised and it suits me well because I don't like people in my business. My friends may see that I'm slightly less enthusiastic and more reserved, but they don't understand me at all. They don't know that I was diagnosed with complex PTSD and that my focus and counseling homework right now is just to drink water and make sure I eat every day. In fact, they don't know I'm in counseling. Not knowing the details of my life is not their fault, I choose to keep these things to myself. It makes life easier for me, believe it or not.
Regardless, you just don't treat people the way I have been treated, despite whether they are going through anything difficult in life or not. Really, that is the basis of my frustration. Even though this friend doesn't know my full story, she does know that exboyfriend messed me up really bad and she knows he raped me. So, yelling at me for hours and hours is inexcusable. Plus, she told me she went off on me even though she's frustrated with Beauty. Again, NOT MY FUCKING FAULT! Take up your frustrations with her or figure out some other way to deal with your own shit. You don't dump it on your friend who is moments from death at every turn she takes in life.
Yes, I forgave her, but I don't have to keep her close just because I forgave her. Forgiveness sets me free (the person who was hurt) way more than it sets the offender (the friend) free.
I forgave exboyfriend. That doesn't mean you will ever see me hang out with him, but I am free from the burden on holding a grudge against him because I am letting that go so that G-d can deal with him however He sees fit. I forgave exfiance. That doesn't mean I am going to get back together with him. I forgave Country Boy. He's dead so that was also mostly for me. I forgave Roommate from last year from her and her family attacking me. I forgave my freshman year dorm roommates. I forgive lots of people. However, you will not see me with many of these people because they are toxic leeches on the tapestry of my life. Recently, my tapestry seems to be imploding and spontaneously combusting, but you still won't see them coming along in my story any longer.
This friend has met the end of her role in my story. I will still be nice to her, but I'm over bending over backwards to make sure she is happy with her social life when my physical body is riding the line between shutting down and creeping along.
Yet, the end of the story of the aforementioned people brings in a new freshness, excitement, joy, and freedom in my life. I feel like my story is beginning a new chapter. Between "telling" this friend off and telling exfiance to back off and leave me alone for the final time (hopefully) today. I'm all about trying to create boundaries. I've also sternly discussed my struggle with my brother and dad not making me priority in any way in their lives while I'm expected to drop everything for them and also listen to their incredibly long lectures about how I suck. All of these people have something in common: they all dump on me for what they get frustrated with in their relationships with other people in their life. They all take it out on me. Guess what! I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! That, my friends, is glorious. Explaining this to my friend, Dad, Brother, and exfiance is just the first baby step towards better, stronger, actually existing boundaries in my life.
I started reading Boudaries, by the way.
I'm so excited to tell my Counselor on Tuesday about everything that I've been doing this week! My homework was to drink more water, continue to eat, and take it easy because of my lack of sleep. We discussed how frustrated I got when my friend went off on me. I discussed what I had wanted to say and she asked why I didn't tell her those things. Well, it wasn't even my homework but I told her those things!!! It was completely with the help of my new Roomie. She proofread my texts to make sure I was being as objective as possible and also to make sure I was being clear enough and not beating around the bush. Yay New Roomie!
YAY ME!!!!! I have been eating better, drinking way more water, sleeping slightly better... kinda... sometimes... and I told people when they hurt me (which was a bonus).
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Selfish by Choice
School started last week but these first two weeks are all sorts of janky. My typical schedule for classes and life will not begin until next Monday but I'm totally okay with that.
I had counseling again yesterday. She told me I'm not strong enough to go over the really hard stuff yet, so we started working on coping strategies... That's solid. I kept losing my mind between last week's session and yesterday but it turns out that the coping techniques I was accidentally using through the week are actually legit coping techniques that are taught in counseling. Walking/sitting outside, warm/cold water, etc. I begin coloring at my next session.
I told my counselor how hard my first OB class was with the birthing videos. I had also nearly started crying during my skills lab for OB because we had to do vaginal exams to check dilation and that is apparently a HUGE trigger for me, along with damn near everything else. With this in mind, I was advised to take a semester off. I told her that is not an option because I want to be done with nursing school and I want to graduate with my friends. Once she realized that I am not going to budge on this, we made a plan for me to start going twice a weeks (in a couple weeks because she is crazy busy with her life too!). Then, we'll spend a lot of time working on coping methods so that I can get through OB and then begin to work on my tough stuff before I graduate and move and she graduates.
I guess we'll see where that gets us.
Exfiance texts me after my sessions asking what we talked about in my session. I normally keep it pretty under wraps when I was with my last counselor and then also with my new one. Yesterday, I was just not having his bullshit at all. He asked what we talked about and I told him I didn't want to talk about it. He told me he hates when I keep stuff from him. Well, Fucker, you lost that privalage when you decided to lie to me all the time, disregard my refusal for you to use my body however the hell you felt like using it, and I took it away when I broke up with you. Alright? So no, you do not get to make me feel guilty if you think I might be keeping stuff from you. I am because we are no longer together and you kept everything from me! Don't give me this shit.
So, after not talking with him yesterday, he texted me today to ask if I would "finally tell him why I was mad yesterday." I wasn't mad yesterday, I just didn't want to talk about it with him because it's not of his fucking business. It never should have been because I have trauma that is only my business that he doesn't need to know about. He can support me working through it without forcing me to tell him every damn detail. I told him something along those lines and reminded him of all the lies and information he kept from me and all of the double standards he kept for what I was supposed to do/tell him as opposed to what he did/told me. He didn't like that but I'm learning to stand up for myself. It's starting with him and my family then I will work on my friends. I'm sick of taking shit and I'm so over worrying about everyone else when NOBODY concerns themselves with what I may need/want/etc.
Therefore, I'm working on being intentionally selfish for a season.
I had counseling again yesterday. She told me I'm not strong enough to go over the really hard stuff yet, so we started working on coping strategies... That's solid. I kept losing my mind between last week's session and yesterday but it turns out that the coping techniques I was accidentally using through the week are actually legit coping techniques that are taught in counseling. Walking/sitting outside, warm/cold water, etc. I begin coloring at my next session.
I told my counselor how hard my first OB class was with the birthing videos. I had also nearly started crying during my skills lab for OB because we had to do vaginal exams to check dilation and that is apparently a HUGE trigger for me, along with damn near everything else. With this in mind, I was advised to take a semester off. I told her that is not an option because I want to be done with nursing school and I want to graduate with my friends. Once she realized that I am not going to budge on this, we made a plan for me to start going twice a weeks (in a couple weeks because she is crazy busy with her life too!). Then, we'll spend a lot of time working on coping methods so that I can get through OB and then begin to work on my tough stuff before I graduate and move and she graduates.
I guess we'll see where that gets us.
Exfiance texts me after my sessions asking what we talked about in my session. I normally keep it pretty under wraps when I was with my last counselor and then also with my new one. Yesterday, I was just not having his bullshit at all. He asked what we talked about and I told him I didn't want to talk about it. He told me he hates when I keep stuff from him. Well, Fucker, you lost that privalage when you decided to lie to me all the time, disregard my refusal for you to use my body however the hell you felt like using it, and I took it away when I broke up with you. Alright? So no, you do not get to make me feel guilty if you think I might be keeping stuff from you. I am because we are no longer together and you kept everything from me! Don't give me this shit.
So, after not talking with him yesterday, he texted me today to ask if I would "finally tell him why I was mad yesterday." I wasn't mad yesterday, I just didn't want to talk about it with him because it's not of his fucking business. It never should have been because I have trauma that is only my business that he doesn't need to know about. He can support me working through it without forcing me to tell him every damn detail. I told him something along those lines and reminded him of all the lies and information he kept from me and all of the double standards he kept for what I was supposed to do/tell him as opposed to what he did/told me. He didn't like that but I'm learning to stand up for myself. It's starting with him and my family then I will work on my friends. I'm sick of taking shit and I'm so over worrying about everyone else when NOBODY concerns themselves with what I may need/want/etc.
Therefore, I'm working on being intentionally selfish for a season.
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
Hopeful Beginnings
Counseling began today. I went in for paperwork and we went right into a session. Praise the L-rd! It was killing me that three session and a screening interview at the other place got me no where. I even told my new counselor that I was frustrated with the other lady for not really getting anywhere. I get the need to build rapport and ease some people in but I am ready to get down and dirty and get help. This kind of a thing doesn't need slow progress into it. I needs a quick acting, intense help to get people past their trauma into a functioning mindset again.
Well, I was officially diagnosed with severe PTSD today. It makes me sad, but it also makes me feel less crazy because nobody believed me when it was self-diagnosed. Now it's believable because my counselor gave me the title? Maybe if she finally diagnoses me with my anxiety disorders, depression and/or bipolar II, then people will believe me about those ones too. Goodness, I have the book psychiatrists, counselors, etc. use to diagnose stuff. I'm not making shit up.
Anyway, counseling went well. After she glanced (and I mean glanced) at my paperwork, she asked straight away: "So, what's your story?" I went through it all and she started connecting dots nobody else really ever has. I am so blessed to have been able to be assigned to her. Thank you L-rd! I talked about Country Boy, EXboyfriend, EXfiance, and all of my fears that I put in my post "Forgiveness?" She noticed that spring is likely to be a tough time for me; Country boy died, I broke up with Exboyfriend and met Exfiance all in the spring months, just a year apart. She warned me that this spring would likely be rough because I'll probably start remembering dates or the rapes, and deaths, and everything else that went to hell in a hand-basket within a couple month's time. I had already suspected that because this past March was tough a whole week before and after the anniversary of his death and then also the week before and after his birthday. These all coincide so from mid-March to mid-April I'm a complete mess. Now that will extend from mid-March to mid-May and it will all come back again in July. Great.
She basically told me I've been living in survival mode since the first rape (over 9 months). My only homework was to make sure I was eating, and eating things that actually count and provide fuel for my body so that I could start to work on the mental healing.
So, I really like her. I spent most of the hour crying and she finished saying: "You seem like such a sweet girl. Someone who tries to see the best in everyone and also someone who takes everyone else's baggage. That's a heavy load. You also seem to blame yourself for a lot of things that aren't in your control and they aren't your fault." Between her saying these things and her asking for my story, I felt so comforted and understood after this session. I didn't feel this way after talking with the first psychologist/psychiatrist person I saw. I'm so grateful to be able to be with this new lady.
Thank you L-rd for providing this woman, right when I needed her, right in the nick of time.
Exfiance knew I was going to counseling and he called right when it was over. We started talking about if he was excited or nervous for his session in a few days. He said he'd probably tell the therapist to "fuck off" and then leave. I told him it's dumb to even go if he wasn't going to put any effort forth. He said he was only going to "fix us".
OH MY GOSH!!!
How many times do I have to tell him I'm not getting back together with him? I told him I didn't want to get back together with him. He questioned if I was doing the right thing. I said yes. He said he was trying to do the right thing for us. I told him that he was trying to do the right thing for him and that him trying to get me back was not in my best interest but his. Haha, that pissed him off and he told me he was going to hang up. I said okay! Bye! Hahaha, I don't want to say I win but I definitely did. I'm so over his shit and he thinks I'm dumb enough to go back with him! Sorry, but no. You need to leave me alone you fucker.
Again, I'm sorry for the bad language right after praising the L-rd for His provisions. I'm working out anger... and a lot of other stuff.
Regardless, the pervasive song that keeps popping into my head is "Held" by Natalie Grant. I haven't heard it in years but it keeps popping into my head at random times. Praise the L-rd for this too!
Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.
Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.
Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
[Chorus:]
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?
[Chorus:]
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know, that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held
This is what it means to be held.
Well, I was officially diagnosed with severe PTSD today. It makes me sad, but it also makes me feel less crazy because nobody believed me when it was self-diagnosed. Now it's believable because my counselor gave me the title? Maybe if she finally diagnoses me with my anxiety disorders, depression and/or bipolar II, then people will believe me about those ones too. Goodness, I have the book psychiatrists, counselors, etc. use to diagnose stuff. I'm not making shit up.
Anyway, counseling went well. After she glanced (and I mean glanced) at my paperwork, she asked straight away: "So, what's your story?" I went through it all and she started connecting dots nobody else really ever has. I am so blessed to have been able to be assigned to her. Thank you L-rd! I talked about Country Boy, EXboyfriend, EXfiance, and all of my fears that I put in my post "Forgiveness?" She noticed that spring is likely to be a tough time for me; Country boy died, I broke up with Exboyfriend and met Exfiance all in the spring months, just a year apart. She warned me that this spring would likely be rough because I'll probably start remembering dates or the rapes, and deaths, and everything else that went to hell in a hand-basket within a couple month's time. I had already suspected that because this past March was tough a whole week before and after the anniversary of his death and then also the week before and after his birthday. These all coincide so from mid-March to mid-April I'm a complete mess. Now that will extend from mid-March to mid-May and it will all come back again in July. Great.
She basically told me I've been living in survival mode since the first rape (over 9 months). My only homework was to make sure I was eating, and eating things that actually count and provide fuel for my body so that I could start to work on the mental healing.
So, I really like her. I spent most of the hour crying and she finished saying: "You seem like such a sweet girl. Someone who tries to see the best in everyone and also someone who takes everyone else's baggage. That's a heavy load. You also seem to blame yourself for a lot of things that aren't in your control and they aren't your fault." Between her saying these things and her asking for my story, I felt so comforted and understood after this session. I didn't feel this way after talking with the first psychologist/psychiatrist person I saw. I'm so grateful to be able to be with this new lady.
Thank you L-rd for providing this woman, right when I needed her, right in the nick of time.
Exfiance knew I was going to counseling and he called right when it was over. We started talking about if he was excited or nervous for his session in a few days. He said he'd probably tell the therapist to "fuck off" and then leave. I told him it's dumb to even go if he wasn't going to put any effort forth. He said he was only going to "fix us".
OH MY GOSH!!!
How many times do I have to tell him I'm not getting back together with him? I told him I didn't want to get back together with him. He questioned if I was doing the right thing. I said yes. He said he was trying to do the right thing for us. I told him that he was trying to do the right thing for him and that him trying to get me back was not in my best interest but his. Haha, that pissed him off and he told me he was going to hang up. I said okay! Bye! Hahaha, I don't want to say I win but I definitely did. I'm so over his shit and he thinks I'm dumb enough to go back with him! Sorry, but no. You need to leave me alone you fucker.
Again, I'm sorry for the bad language right after praising the L-rd for His provisions. I'm working out anger... and a lot of other stuff.
Regardless, the pervasive song that keeps popping into my head is "Held" by Natalie Grant. I haven't heard it in years but it keeps popping into my head at random times. Praise the L-rd for this too!
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.
Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.
Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
[Chorus:]
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?
[Chorus:]
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know, that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held
This is what it means to be held.
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