Guys, I have started my grad school application. I am nervous beyond belief. The priority deadline was Feb 1, and I missed that by a couple days by the time I was looking seriously at the program. However, I have been emailing the program director and she has been very encouraging. I'm just not certain how straight forward they are being with me.
I want to know how many people are applying, how many get in, what my chances are for getting into the program with only a year of NICU experience, and all of the other questions swirling around in my head. Oh gosh, this is nerve wracking!
For the application only being $50, it's not that bad. However, do I have what it takes? I'm just a baby nurse with a passion for NICU, but I have this burning desire to go further in school and start getting changes started nation wide, or at least in whatever vicinity I'm in. If I could have been here practicing as a midwife, I could have saved lives! I could have saved babies and their mamas from having the terrible home births that ended up killing one or both of them. I'm not saying that home births are bad. I'm just saying home births with a midwife who has never been formally trained is dangerous and asking for trouble.
I want to change the way midwifery is seen in the US. I want to save the lives of moms and babies by preventing too many medical interventions while simultaneously having the training and supplies to provide necessary interventions to keep everyone safe.
Ugh, I feel so helpless.
I am presently terrified.
I am currently in need of another change. I feel like I could actually make a difference.
Oh L-rd, direct me in the ways you want me to go! Make my path straight and show me what it is I'm supposed to be doing!
Probably doesn't help that I've rewatched Call the Midwife on Netflix...
Showing posts with label new NICU nurse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label new NICU nurse. Show all posts
Monday, February 27, 2017
Thursday, February 16, 2017
Because I'm An Idiot
Let's preface this with the fact that we had a recent baby boom and are busting at the seems.
I keep making stupid newbie mistakes. Now, is this because I'm not paying attention? Not really. Mostly, I'm making mistakes without even knowing I'm making them because these are things that I was not taught in orientation. Now that I am on my own, I get in trouble for making said mistakes because I am now responsible for the actions I do, whether I know it is against the rules or not.
This was brought about by getting "in trouble" (my words, not theirs) for overfeeding my kid. In our unit, children can go to ad lib and/or on demand. This, to me, means they can eat however much they want (ad lib) whenever they wake up and start fussing (on demand). Nobody taught me otherwise, until today.
I had my charge nurse feed one of my kids because I was crazy busy and also way late on charting. Well, she ended up looking at my charting and told me I was way overfeeding my kid. Apparently it is an unspoken rule that ad lib actually means 160-200 mL/kg/day. Now, average this out by how long the kid goes between feedings (2-4 hours) and you get your ad lib ranges of what to feed depending on how long they slept. Who knew? Well, I guess everyone did... except me. So, this kid's max was 100 (actually this is only for going 3 hours in between, for 4 hours it's 133 mL) and I was letting him take as much as he wanted, in the ball parks of 120-150. So, not too much over, and I admitted my mistake to day shift during report, to my friends, and to our unit manager. However, I still feel like a complete dumb ass because I just know this is going to end up being a thing that gets talked about for weeks. The doctor is going to be upset, I'm going to get a lecture, maybe a group email, and it'll be because of me and because I have no clue what the hell I'm doing. Some kids do get ordered to be ad lib with no max. Apparently this is something that is uncommon and ad lib means 160-200.
Ya live and learn, I guess. Poor day shift must think I'm a complete moron because I know the other girls on night shift think I am.
In other news we got our yearly reviews done... everyone is pissed. We have a peer review system, but not everyone fills out reviews for other employees. Plus, the reviews from the employees are used as the sole summation of your work on the unit. So, there is a lot of bias. If you get your review "randomly" (I don't think they were all random) put into a folder to be reviewed by someone on our unit who doesn't like you, your raise will depend on how mean they felt that day. On the flip side, we have some employees who don't do well at work and cut corners who get reviewed by their friends and end up getting raises that they maybe shouldn't have gotten as well as better reviews than they worked for. So, no matter what, you get screwed. So, I got an okay eval, but my friends did not. Their evals went to a girl who is not nice to us and clearly does not like any of us new girls. Therefore, my friends had terrible reviews and did not get the same type of raise I did. It might be by just a few cents, but the reviews are on file for the rest of their career at this hospital. They are not getting good marks because their "grader" is spiteful, rude, mad at us for going to HR about her, and biased.
Add in that I'm tired, probably PMS'ing, and cannot seem to have a good night, and even though I'm sleep deprived, I will probably end up not sleeping well. That sucks because I have been at work every night for a week and still have another 4 days to go. I kid you not, I will have 13 days clocked, in a row because I'm stupid and kept coming in "for just one more night" because we were slammed with kids.
Sometimes I do dumb things.
Mostly, I do dumb things regularly. It's a wonder my review didn't turn out worse than the most negative things being written is that "she gets frustrated". Well no shit. I'm a new grad, I've been on my own for 3 months (out of orientation), and I get frustrating assignments because they are trying to get me experiences with tougher assignments. They say that in the review. Half of our staff is frustrated and frazzled most of their nights at work because they are 1) high strung on their good days and completely out of control on a mediocre day or 2) assignments are not given to be balanced so that stress is evenly distributed across the entirety of the staff for the shift. Assignments are given with no regards to patient needs and nurse responsibilities.
On a more positive note. I emailed the nurse midwifery program I want to attend. They emailed back quickly and asked if I wanted to start in August 2017... I can't move yet, but I kind of want to start school so I'll graduate in 2020. It's a happy year especially with high school graduation being 2012, college graduation being 2016; 2020 fits my little trend!
The only thing I can think is: I can't even be a nurse and do things correctly on a regular basis, what makes me think I can be a practitioner and write orders as opposed to simply following practitioner orders? Everything takes practice and experience, but it's scary!
Ah well. I'm off to sleep so that I can show up to struggle through another crazy shift.
Let's not even talk about my new desire for a kid. I keep getting attached to my little patients that I tear up when they get to go home. It's bitter sweet, but I love these kids more than I should be loving patients. Then I want a kid, but then I'm over-come with dread and fear of the things they could/might go through in life. Then I start crying because I get scared thinking about what it would be like to have to go through meeting a guy and hoping he won't be evil to me like the other guys have been. And, if he's not evil, then I am scared to tell him the evils I've survived and I'll have to delve into why I don't think I'm pure... and... and... and...
I think I just need some sleep. I'll catch up with y'all later.
I keep making stupid newbie mistakes. Now, is this because I'm not paying attention? Not really. Mostly, I'm making mistakes without even knowing I'm making them because these are things that I was not taught in orientation. Now that I am on my own, I get in trouble for making said mistakes because I am now responsible for the actions I do, whether I know it is against the rules or not.
This was brought about by getting "in trouble" (my words, not theirs) for overfeeding my kid. In our unit, children can go to ad lib and/or on demand. This, to me, means they can eat however much they want (ad lib) whenever they wake up and start fussing (on demand). Nobody taught me otherwise, until today.
I had my charge nurse feed one of my kids because I was crazy busy and also way late on charting. Well, she ended up looking at my charting and told me I was way overfeeding my kid. Apparently it is an unspoken rule that ad lib actually means 160-200 mL/kg/day. Now, average this out by how long the kid goes between feedings (2-4 hours) and you get your ad lib ranges of what to feed depending on how long they slept. Who knew? Well, I guess everyone did... except me. So, this kid's max was 100 (actually this is only for going 3 hours in between, for 4 hours it's 133 mL) and I was letting him take as much as he wanted, in the ball parks of 120-150. So, not too much over, and I admitted my mistake to day shift during report, to my friends, and to our unit manager. However, I still feel like a complete dumb ass because I just know this is going to end up being a thing that gets talked about for weeks. The doctor is going to be upset, I'm going to get a lecture, maybe a group email, and it'll be because of me and because I have no clue what the hell I'm doing. Some kids do get ordered to be ad lib with no max. Apparently this is something that is uncommon and ad lib means 160-200.
Ya live and learn, I guess. Poor day shift must think I'm a complete moron because I know the other girls on night shift think I am.
In other news we got our yearly reviews done... everyone is pissed. We have a peer review system, but not everyone fills out reviews for other employees. Plus, the reviews from the employees are used as the sole summation of your work on the unit. So, there is a lot of bias. If you get your review "randomly" (I don't think they were all random) put into a folder to be reviewed by someone on our unit who doesn't like you, your raise will depend on how mean they felt that day. On the flip side, we have some employees who don't do well at work and cut corners who get reviewed by their friends and end up getting raises that they maybe shouldn't have gotten as well as better reviews than they worked for. So, no matter what, you get screwed. So, I got an okay eval, but my friends did not. Their evals went to a girl who is not nice to us and clearly does not like any of us new girls. Therefore, my friends had terrible reviews and did not get the same type of raise I did. It might be by just a few cents, but the reviews are on file for the rest of their career at this hospital. They are not getting good marks because their "grader" is spiteful, rude, mad at us for going to HR about her, and biased.
Add in that I'm tired, probably PMS'ing, and cannot seem to have a good night, and even though I'm sleep deprived, I will probably end up not sleeping well. That sucks because I have been at work every night for a week and still have another 4 days to go. I kid you not, I will have 13 days clocked, in a row because I'm stupid and kept coming in "for just one more night" because we were slammed with kids.
Sometimes I do dumb things.
Mostly, I do dumb things regularly. It's a wonder my review didn't turn out worse than the most negative things being written is that "she gets frustrated". Well no shit. I'm a new grad, I've been on my own for 3 months (out of orientation), and I get frustrating assignments because they are trying to get me experiences with tougher assignments. They say that in the review. Half of our staff is frustrated and frazzled most of their nights at work because they are 1) high strung on their good days and completely out of control on a mediocre day or 2) assignments are not given to be balanced so that stress is evenly distributed across the entirety of the staff for the shift. Assignments are given with no regards to patient needs and nurse responsibilities.
On a more positive note. I emailed the nurse midwifery program I want to attend. They emailed back quickly and asked if I wanted to start in August 2017... I can't move yet, but I kind of want to start school so I'll graduate in 2020. It's a happy year especially with high school graduation being 2012, college graduation being 2016; 2020 fits my little trend!
The only thing I can think is: I can't even be a nurse and do things correctly on a regular basis, what makes me think I can be a practitioner and write orders as opposed to simply following practitioner orders? Everything takes practice and experience, but it's scary!
Ah well. I'm off to sleep so that I can show up to struggle through another crazy shift.
Let's not even talk about my new desire for a kid. I keep getting attached to my little patients that I tear up when they get to go home. It's bitter sweet, but I love these kids more than I should be loving patients. Then I want a kid, but then I'm over-come with dread and fear of the things they could/might go through in life. Then I start crying because I get scared thinking about what it would be like to have to go through meeting a guy and hoping he won't be evil to me like the other guys have been. And, if he's not evil, then I am scared to tell him the evils I've survived and I'll have to delve into why I don't think I'm pure... and... and... and...
I think I just need some sleep. I'll catch up with y'all later.
Thursday, February 2, 2017
New Culture
The floor I work on consists of all Women's health and the related fields. We have Labor and Delivery, Newborn Nursery, NICU (my unit), and the women specific Med/Surg floor (specifically for C Sections, hysterectomies, and various other health troubles specific to women). In other words, this floor has way too much estrogen. Seriously, WAY TOO MUCH!!!
Our floor, regardless of the unit, is known throughout the hospital and town for being very cliquey, having troubles with new hires (experienced and non-experienced employees), and difficulties with doctors.
Having experienced many of the troubles myself, I am attempting to change the culture for our new people. I have met 3 of them. We have 1 lady who is training on night (already did orientation on days) and is from a med/surg floor in our hospital. She's really sweet and I think we will get along just fine. We have another new grad gal, who is still orienting on days. She seems very excited and eager to start working. I think she'll be fun. I hope so. There is one lady who is going to be PRN, so I'm thinking she's already been a NICU nurse somewhere else and likely has another job. I guess we'll see how that goes. There are 2 others that I have not met and one of them is a guy!
Oh. My. Gosh. You would not believe the ugly things some of the girls were saying. They went off for hours about how the ICU nurse that started and oriented when I did left and so they are quite convinced that's what's going to happen with this guy as well. I didn't have the heart to tell them that the 4 girls that were bitching about her are the reasons she left. That ICU nurse absolutely loved the work, but she knew she could not ultimately handle the people on the unit, so she decided to go PRN instead of being miserable.
These girls were saying that this guy nurse won't be able to help with breastfeeding, that the parents will be uncomfortable with him being their nurse, and also that he won't fit in. You know what? Guy nurses are often aware that moms may not be comfortable being taught to breastfeed from a guy. Guys are also able and willing to tell moms that and offer to have one of the lady nurses help. Guys are better on their feet with critical kids, especially an experienced ICU nurse (as he is). He's also been an ICU charge nurse FOR YEARS!!! He's great with dealing with difficult situations, uncooperative parents, and the ridiculous hormonal troubles that come along with so many women in one area. I think he could bring in some rational thought to a regularly touchy-feelly environment that has cat fights on a regular basis because apparently we are all in fucking middle school.
I'm working on treating these girls as people, talking with them as if they were/are the practicing nurse for the day, and I'm trying to talk to them about life. You know, small talk kinds of things. How are you liking it here? When do you come to nights? Are you married? What do you like to do? All the crap that you have to start off with to break the ice. When I was new, I had to ask all those questions, nobody welcomed me in that way (except the couple of people who I had shadowed, which is why they shadow, everybody loves them!)
Maybe if at least one person accepts them and brings them into the group, they won't feel outcast and they won't feel as though nobody wants them. I want them. I think they will do great. It's a great job, fun work, and we make a difference in the lives of these kids and parents every day. I didn't feel like I was making a difference when I was on med/surg floors because some people didn't want help and other times I was too busy to be any good to anyone.
Hopefully everything will turn out great.
Hey, bonus! I'm making friends on my own unit finally! I am still not in with the mean girls. However, I'm scheduling myself with the other more experienced nurses on nights when I like the charge nurse and the whole night is more fun, relaxed, and more comfortable. Even if some of the not-nice girls are on, I have allies. It certainly helps life and work run a lot smoother. And, in the process, I made more friends. People are finally starting to open up to me and include me in their plans.
P.S. I emailed my master's program for Nurse-Midwifery. Turns out that if you go to school for an extra 2-3 semesters, you end up with a doctorate. I'm seriously considering starting school back up. Even if the commitment is only for 2 years and I think about the doctorate as I am in school and deciding if I can finish it. I guess we'll see.
P.P.S. I started reading Praying for You Future Husband and, in the process, I'm getting encouraged and praying a lot for myself. It's written by Robin Jones Gunn and Tricia Goyer. They have prayers for the guy and for yourself at the end of each chapter, they go over their own personal stories, as well as stories of various other women. I'm really enjoying the book and the process. I don't know, maybe years down the road G-d has somebody in store for me that can handle all of this mess.
Our floor, regardless of the unit, is known throughout the hospital and town for being very cliquey, having troubles with new hires (experienced and non-experienced employees), and difficulties with doctors.
Having experienced many of the troubles myself, I am attempting to change the culture for our new people. I have met 3 of them. We have 1 lady who is training on night (already did orientation on days) and is from a med/surg floor in our hospital. She's really sweet and I think we will get along just fine. We have another new grad gal, who is still orienting on days. She seems very excited and eager to start working. I think she'll be fun. I hope so. There is one lady who is going to be PRN, so I'm thinking she's already been a NICU nurse somewhere else and likely has another job. I guess we'll see how that goes. There are 2 others that I have not met and one of them is a guy!
Oh. My. Gosh. You would not believe the ugly things some of the girls were saying. They went off for hours about how the ICU nurse that started and oriented when I did left and so they are quite convinced that's what's going to happen with this guy as well. I didn't have the heart to tell them that the 4 girls that were bitching about her are the reasons she left. That ICU nurse absolutely loved the work, but she knew she could not ultimately handle the people on the unit, so she decided to go PRN instead of being miserable.
These girls were saying that this guy nurse won't be able to help with breastfeeding, that the parents will be uncomfortable with him being their nurse, and also that he won't fit in. You know what? Guy nurses are often aware that moms may not be comfortable being taught to breastfeed from a guy. Guys are also able and willing to tell moms that and offer to have one of the lady nurses help. Guys are better on their feet with critical kids, especially an experienced ICU nurse (as he is). He's also been an ICU charge nurse FOR YEARS!!! He's great with dealing with difficult situations, uncooperative parents, and the ridiculous hormonal troubles that come along with so many women in one area. I think he could bring in some rational thought to a regularly touchy-feelly environment that has cat fights on a regular basis because apparently we are all in fucking middle school.
I'm working on treating these girls as people, talking with them as if they were/are the practicing nurse for the day, and I'm trying to talk to them about life. You know, small talk kinds of things. How are you liking it here? When do you come to nights? Are you married? What do you like to do? All the crap that you have to start off with to break the ice. When I was new, I had to ask all those questions, nobody welcomed me in that way (except the couple of people who I had shadowed, which is why they shadow, everybody loves them!)
Maybe if at least one person accepts them and brings them into the group, they won't feel outcast and they won't feel as though nobody wants them. I want them. I think they will do great. It's a great job, fun work, and we make a difference in the lives of these kids and parents every day. I didn't feel like I was making a difference when I was on med/surg floors because some people didn't want help and other times I was too busy to be any good to anyone.
Hopefully everything will turn out great.
Hey, bonus! I'm making friends on my own unit finally! I am still not in with the mean girls. However, I'm scheduling myself with the other more experienced nurses on nights when I like the charge nurse and the whole night is more fun, relaxed, and more comfortable. Even if some of the not-nice girls are on, I have allies. It certainly helps life and work run a lot smoother. And, in the process, I made more friends. People are finally starting to open up to me and include me in their plans.
P.S. I emailed my master's program for Nurse-Midwifery. Turns out that if you go to school for an extra 2-3 semesters, you end up with a doctorate. I'm seriously considering starting school back up. Even if the commitment is only for 2 years and I think about the doctorate as I am in school and deciding if I can finish it. I guess we'll see.
P.P.S. I started reading Praying for You Future Husband and, in the process, I'm getting encouraged and praying a lot for myself. It's written by Robin Jones Gunn and Tricia Goyer. They have prayers for the guy and for yourself at the end of each chapter, they go over their own personal stories, as well as stories of various other women. I'm really enjoying the book and the process. I don't know, maybe years down the road G-d has somebody in store for me that can handle all of this mess.
Thursday, January 19, 2017
New Year of 2017!
Some of you may wonder what I've been up to for the past couple months...
Well, not much besides working. Work is getting better, mostly because I decided to stop bitching about problems that I can't fix, and working on either 1) fixing or 2) avoiding the problems I can. I know avoidance doesn't sound good, but sometimes it's okay. For instance, if there is a particular charge nurse that you do not work well with, it is okay to not sign up for her nights. Whether to simply give yourself a break or to not have to worry about being around her, or both. However, things with her are better, still awkward, but slightly better. I think she's trying to be nicer to everyone.
We have four new girls coming onto night shift in the next few months. One was a med/surg nurse for awhile and the others are new grads, I believe. Ummm, is it just me or does this seem like a bad idea? They are already upset about so many "inexperienced" girls being on the staffing sheet, let's add in a bunch of other complete newbies! I'm not saying we shouldn't give these new girls a chance, I'm just nervous that we don't have near enough experience on the night shift. If they are considering me "experienced", then we have a major issue.
I lost my first baby. Not lose as in misplace, I'm talking lose as in the baby went back to be with Jesus. It was a bitter sweet experience because those babies had a very small chance of survival, for how early they were and the start they had. And, if they had survived, their quality of life would have been terrible. I cried. I was holding it together until my ICU nurse turned NICU nurse friend started crying as she asked if I was okay. I kept baby alive for 10 hours, without sitting down/drinking/eating once in that amount of time.
There were constant drip changes, tests, blood gases, vent changes, glucose tests, IV insertions, bagging, and various other cared during that time. These babies, they were twins, fought so hard. The doctor was called constantly throughout the night and finally came in as all cares were maxed out. Doctor came in, for the third time that night, and he asked the parents if they wanted to pull support. We discontinued and capped off IV's and umbilical lines. We removed all wires we could, without putting the baby through more pain, and we gently swaddled them in the most beautiful blankets we could find. Finally, we removed their ET tubes and handed the babies to shocked parents.
Our worlds can change in an instant. In one moment, we can be excited for new babies, and picking out baby clothes, beds, and the like. In the very next breath, mere infants can float straight up to the Good L-rd's open arms.
That was my first night of 4. Following the 4 nights, I hopped on a bus headed to Home Town and visited a hot springs location with my mom. That week was so wonderful. We have 3 nights and 4 days at the hot springs, threw in a massage (my first massage ever), and had tons of time to talk over life while relaxing in the warm water. Yep, I'm gonna start getting more massages regularly. I'm working on self-care lately. I'm attempting to get an exercise plan and a workout buddy, but we'll see how far I get with that.
Well, that's all I've got for now. It's been 2 years since I met exboyfriend, and it's been over a year since I ever saw exfiance (except when he found me at that bar and the Angry Canadian from nursing school told him off for me.
Flashbacks come more in waves like memories would as opposed to the overwhelming drownings I used to live through on a minute by minute basis. These memories haunt me every day, but I am learning to survive and breathe through the waves and ground myself more efficiently.
Life rolls on and I am getting farther and farther from those guys. Man alive, I can't believe we're already about a month into the new year. Time is just flying by now that school is done.
Well, not much besides working. Work is getting better, mostly because I decided to stop bitching about problems that I can't fix, and working on either 1) fixing or 2) avoiding the problems I can. I know avoidance doesn't sound good, but sometimes it's okay. For instance, if there is a particular charge nurse that you do not work well with, it is okay to not sign up for her nights. Whether to simply give yourself a break or to not have to worry about being around her, or both. However, things with her are better, still awkward, but slightly better. I think she's trying to be nicer to everyone.
We have four new girls coming onto night shift in the next few months. One was a med/surg nurse for awhile and the others are new grads, I believe. Ummm, is it just me or does this seem like a bad idea? They are already upset about so many "inexperienced" girls being on the staffing sheet, let's add in a bunch of other complete newbies! I'm not saying we shouldn't give these new girls a chance, I'm just nervous that we don't have near enough experience on the night shift. If they are considering me "experienced", then we have a major issue.
I lost my first baby. Not lose as in misplace, I'm talking lose as in the baby went back to be with Jesus. It was a bitter sweet experience because those babies had a very small chance of survival, for how early they were and the start they had. And, if they had survived, their quality of life would have been terrible. I cried. I was holding it together until my ICU nurse turned NICU nurse friend started crying as she asked if I was okay. I kept baby alive for 10 hours, without sitting down/drinking/eating once in that amount of time.
There were constant drip changes, tests, blood gases, vent changes, glucose tests, IV insertions, bagging, and various other cared during that time. These babies, they were twins, fought so hard. The doctor was called constantly throughout the night and finally came in as all cares were maxed out. Doctor came in, for the third time that night, and he asked the parents if they wanted to pull support. We discontinued and capped off IV's and umbilical lines. We removed all wires we could, without putting the baby through more pain, and we gently swaddled them in the most beautiful blankets we could find. Finally, we removed their ET tubes and handed the babies to shocked parents.
Our worlds can change in an instant. In one moment, we can be excited for new babies, and picking out baby clothes, beds, and the like. In the very next breath, mere infants can float straight up to the Good L-rd's open arms.
That was my first night of 4. Following the 4 nights, I hopped on a bus headed to Home Town and visited a hot springs location with my mom. That week was so wonderful. We have 3 nights and 4 days at the hot springs, threw in a massage (my first massage ever), and had tons of time to talk over life while relaxing in the warm water. Yep, I'm gonna start getting more massages regularly. I'm working on self-care lately. I'm attempting to get an exercise plan and a workout buddy, but we'll see how far I get with that.
Well, that's all I've got for now. It's been 2 years since I met exboyfriend, and it's been over a year since I ever saw exfiance (except when he found me at that bar and the Angry Canadian from nursing school told him off for me.
Flashbacks come more in waves like memories would as opposed to the overwhelming drownings I used to live through on a minute by minute basis. These memories haunt me every day, but I am learning to survive and breathe through the waves and ground myself more efficiently.
Life rolls on and I am getting farther and farther from those guys. Man alive, I can't believe we're already about a month into the new year. Time is just flying by now that school is done.
Thursday, November 17, 2016
Full Moon Madness
It's been 2-3 nights since the huge full moon occurred. Regardless, the children in the Big House have not gotten said memo. I only had two babies last night and they were being so naughty!!!
I was running behind all night long and not for lack of trying. One kid takes frickin forever to assess and feed because there are often unforseen complications such as him puking every. single. assessment. because he gets so worked up and upset that he doesn't even make sound when crying and thus provides enough pressure on his stomach to then throw up. *Ugh, buddy, let's talk about this!* This phrase is uttered more times than should be allowed in an attempt to get him to chill out. Surprisingly, he's more cooperative for me than for anyone else. *facepalm*
My other kid was on a vent, but absolutely delightful. He's so sweet and his family is so kind and calm. I adore this family/kid. However, he's getting sick. So, after being late from my first kid taking waaaaaay too long to eat and not having a tube to be able to tube the rest of the feed, I started in on this kid. Shortly after sitting down to begin charting on both little pip-squeaks, the NNP came in and I got informed the kid needed blood cultures taken stat. Which means IV sticks to get a totally sterile sample of blood, besides whatever terrible thing has decided to begin growing in this poor little kid's body. First IV got placed no problem, but no blood return to be able to get for cultures. So on to second IV. Got that, no problem and got blood. Antibiotics started and I'm already late for the first kid's second assessment/feeding.
*sigh*
The whole night ran behind after that. Try as I might, I could not get caught up on charting completely until day shift arrived. I was 10 minutes to clock out so that I could chart everything that happened.
I finally got home, got showered, and dressed into new pj's straight out of the dryer. Called in my puppy to sleep with me for the day and as soon as I laid down and petted her, I realized she was covered in some mysterious, dried, likely-dead-animal's guts type substance. So, at 10 a.m. after a frustrating night-shift, I walked my backyard twice in hopes of finding whatever it is she rolled in. Then proceeded to give her a bath. She was pissed, but hey, I'm not letting her gallivant about in my house and all over my bed in some dead creatures guts. GROSS!
Dog's bath done, another change of pajamas, scrubbing my arms up to my elbows and aromatherapy diffuser turned on, I fell asleep.
I woke up 5 hours later, and 2 hours earlier than I needed to, because of nightmares. Nightmares about work, nightmares about family, nightmares about past events. My subconscious must be trying to tell me something, but I'm not getting overworked. I think it was just a stressful shift, my family all bailed on me (except for mom) in every way possible (Thanksgiving, both rape cases, you name it), and I'm still battling memories of exboyfriend and exfiance. I would have worded the last few sentences differently, I don't normally use rape in such a blunt term when talking about those two assholes and the countless number of times I have been abused at their hands, but I'm in a no-nonsense kind of mood right now.
Tomorrow night is Newbie's Night Out with the other new girls on my unit. I'm so excited I can't even tell you! I've been looking forward to this night, and attempting to plan it for months. I kid you not. So, for it to be so close is a wonderful feeling. I'll let you know how it goes!
Good news about last night's shift is that I have made friends (work friend status) with the respiratory therapists, many of the NNP's, and so many others besides the regular nurses. Plus, I got to have my favorite charge nurse on last night!!! I tell you what, she makes the shift so much better, just by being there. But she listens when I have concerns, she believes my "nursing judgement" which is little more than babysitter judgement at this point, and she helps us out. She agreed to help me out with tonight's assignments and not putting my two kids together until first kid learns to not take so long and second kid starts to feel better. I wish she were charge again tonight... ah well, I'm making friends with people the other "regular" staff has difficulties with. Thing is, they have difficulties with a lot of people, and I think it's because of the "regular" staff, not the others. Ya know what I mean? That's how it rolls with a clique mentality. Meanwhile, I'll be friends with everyone and people on other units have already begun requesting me by name. So I'm good with that.
I was running behind all night long and not for lack of trying. One kid takes frickin forever to assess and feed because there are often unforseen complications such as him puking every. single. assessment. because he gets so worked up and upset that he doesn't even make sound when crying and thus provides enough pressure on his stomach to then throw up. *Ugh, buddy, let's talk about this!* This phrase is uttered more times than should be allowed in an attempt to get him to chill out. Surprisingly, he's more cooperative for me than for anyone else. *facepalm*
My other kid was on a vent, but absolutely delightful. He's so sweet and his family is so kind and calm. I adore this family/kid. However, he's getting sick. So, after being late from my first kid taking waaaaaay too long to eat and not having a tube to be able to tube the rest of the feed, I started in on this kid. Shortly after sitting down to begin charting on both little pip-squeaks, the NNP came in and I got informed the kid needed blood cultures taken stat. Which means IV sticks to get a totally sterile sample of blood, besides whatever terrible thing has decided to begin growing in this poor little kid's body. First IV got placed no problem, but no blood return to be able to get for cultures. So on to second IV. Got that, no problem and got blood. Antibiotics started and I'm already late for the first kid's second assessment/feeding.
*sigh*
The whole night ran behind after that. Try as I might, I could not get caught up on charting completely until day shift arrived. I was 10 minutes to clock out so that I could chart everything that happened.
I finally got home, got showered, and dressed into new pj's straight out of the dryer. Called in my puppy to sleep with me for the day and as soon as I laid down and petted her, I realized she was covered in some mysterious, dried, likely-dead-animal's guts type substance. So, at 10 a.m. after a frustrating night-shift, I walked my backyard twice in hopes of finding whatever it is she rolled in. Then proceeded to give her a bath. She was pissed, but hey, I'm not letting her gallivant about in my house and all over my bed in some dead creatures guts. GROSS!
Dog's bath done, another change of pajamas, scrubbing my arms up to my elbows and aromatherapy diffuser turned on, I fell asleep.
I woke up 5 hours later, and 2 hours earlier than I needed to, because of nightmares. Nightmares about work, nightmares about family, nightmares about past events. My subconscious must be trying to tell me something, but I'm not getting overworked. I think it was just a stressful shift, my family all bailed on me (except for mom) in every way possible (Thanksgiving, both rape cases, you name it), and I'm still battling memories of exboyfriend and exfiance. I would have worded the last few sentences differently, I don't normally use rape in such a blunt term when talking about those two assholes and the countless number of times I have been abused at their hands, but I'm in a no-nonsense kind of mood right now.
Tomorrow night is Newbie's Night Out with the other new girls on my unit. I'm so excited I can't even tell you! I've been looking forward to this night, and attempting to plan it for months. I kid you not. So, for it to be so close is a wonderful feeling. I'll let you know how it goes!
Good news about last night's shift is that I have made friends (work friend status) with the respiratory therapists, many of the NNP's, and so many others besides the regular nurses. Plus, I got to have my favorite charge nurse on last night!!! I tell you what, she makes the shift so much better, just by being there. But she listens when I have concerns, she believes my "nursing judgement" which is little more than babysitter judgement at this point, and she helps us out. She agreed to help me out with tonight's assignments and not putting my two kids together until first kid learns to not take so long and second kid starts to feel better. I wish she were charge again tonight... ah well, I'm making friends with people the other "regular" staff has difficulties with. Thing is, they have difficulties with a lot of people, and I think it's because of the "regular" staff, not the others. Ya know what I mean? That's how it rolls with a clique mentality. Meanwhile, I'll be friends with everyone and people on other units have already begun requesting me by name. So I'm good with that.
Monday, November 14, 2016
Info Blockage
A problem I have run across, and recently discovered the other new girls are experiencing as well, is that there is a lack of communication to the newbies.
Depending on who we talk to, we are given 15 different answers to the same question that we didn't have until someone told us we needed to do something different.
I was called in for 2 extra shifts one week, and they were day shifts. So I missed the night/weekend differential that I would normally get, and I worked an extra day that week. Normally, when we get called in for a shift that was not scheduled, we get an extra $250 for that shift because we came in when we weren't expecting to. I didn't know that until I ran in to night shift nurses that told me to ask about it. I asked about it and was denied the money because somebody in HR decided that I was working my "normal" shifts, just switched times. Okay, when you get called to come in at 0630, in order to be there at 0700, that's called GETTING CALLED IN. That is not a normal shift. Then getting texted at 1130 p.m. that night to come in for another day shift, that was not scheduled, is also not normal. Somewhere, there is a disconnect and I suspect it lies with the charge nurse that called me in for both shifts...
A few days ago, I got called in at 1901 (7:01 p.m., and shortly after the start of the night shift) to come in and go to the pediatrics floor. I got an email saying that I got the $250 for that shift, for some reason.
I emailed our DON, but the way it was explained makes little to no sense and I think HR doesn't understand what happened and all of the charge nurses that we keep having during these situation are charge nurses that don't normally act as charge so they aren't used to the strange problems that occur, like random call-in pay.
Besides this, I learned that I wasn't supposed to get floated the other night when I went to be a patient sitter. I learned this from a few other charge nurses that are normally charge nurses. I didn't even know it was a rule that I'm not supposed to get floated for 6 months!!!
One of the other new girls is struggling with the rules too. We have a little paper you can sign, then sign up for an extra shift or two within a pay period. IF you sign this paper, sign up for the shifts, and get to work all of you scheduled and extra shifts, then you get $400 each of the extra shifts (1-2 per pay period). Score! Right? Thing is, you can work all of your scheduled and extra shifts, but if you are given a low census for even one shift that pay period, the extra money is denied and all of the extra shifts you worked count as regular pay. So, it's a bit of a gamble, but the risk is way lower when we are in summer and there are tons of babies on the unit and everyone is working 3-4 extra shifts a week.
The new girl got told she needed to sign up for these extra pay shifts, without being told the stipulation of how to not get the extra money. She was volun-told to stay home one night (after she had already arrived to work), even though there were other girls who had wanted to stay home and she wanted to work. So, she found out that she does not get her extra money and that all of her extra work days were a waste because they called her off.
A similar charge nurse surfaces amidst all of these troubles, but I don't want to go starting troubles where there were none. I'm not going to fight my aunt on the extra pay days, but I might go ask her if all of us new girls could be given information on all of the rules and extra things that we are supposed to do with our jobs because the information that we are not being told is coming back to bite us all in the ass.
Speaking of which, we have these blood tests that get sent to another lab. When sending the tests, we have to fill out some form with a bunch of info about the kid we are testing. Nobody ever told me that it couldn't be done in blue ink, and could only be written in black ink. We got a mass email and signs up ALL OVER THE UNIT specifying that the form must be written in black and yada, yada, yada. I know people probably don't know it was me, but they might. Everyone knows I'm new, so I'm not too concerned about it. Still, I'm irritated for getting shamed for things that we were never taught.
Whatever, I'm pretty much just rolling with it. I certainly don't get nearly as embarrassed as I used to. This is another unfortunate side effect of being constantly humiliated by exfiance, exboyfriend, and several other people who used to be friends and are now confused as to why I don't talk to them anymore. It's a mystery really.*** (*Heavy sarcasm there*)
Depending on who we talk to, we are given 15 different answers to the same question that we didn't have until someone told us we needed to do something different.
I was called in for 2 extra shifts one week, and they were day shifts. So I missed the night/weekend differential that I would normally get, and I worked an extra day that week. Normally, when we get called in for a shift that was not scheduled, we get an extra $250 for that shift because we came in when we weren't expecting to. I didn't know that until I ran in to night shift nurses that told me to ask about it. I asked about it and was denied the money because somebody in HR decided that I was working my "normal" shifts, just switched times. Okay, when you get called to come in at 0630, in order to be there at 0700, that's called GETTING CALLED IN. That is not a normal shift. Then getting texted at 1130 p.m. that night to come in for another day shift, that was not scheduled, is also not normal. Somewhere, there is a disconnect and I suspect it lies with the charge nurse that called me in for both shifts...
A few days ago, I got called in at 1901 (7:01 p.m., and shortly after the start of the night shift) to come in and go to the pediatrics floor. I got an email saying that I got the $250 for that shift, for some reason.
I emailed our DON, but the way it was explained makes little to no sense and I think HR doesn't understand what happened and all of the charge nurses that we keep having during these situation are charge nurses that don't normally act as charge so they aren't used to the strange problems that occur, like random call-in pay.
Besides this, I learned that I wasn't supposed to get floated the other night when I went to be a patient sitter. I learned this from a few other charge nurses that are normally charge nurses. I didn't even know it was a rule that I'm not supposed to get floated for 6 months!!!
One of the other new girls is struggling with the rules too. We have a little paper you can sign, then sign up for an extra shift or two within a pay period. IF you sign this paper, sign up for the shifts, and get to work all of you scheduled and extra shifts, then you get $400 each of the extra shifts (1-2 per pay period). Score! Right? Thing is, you can work all of your scheduled and extra shifts, but if you are given a low census for even one shift that pay period, the extra money is denied and all of the extra shifts you worked count as regular pay. So, it's a bit of a gamble, but the risk is way lower when we are in summer and there are tons of babies on the unit and everyone is working 3-4 extra shifts a week.
The new girl got told she needed to sign up for these extra pay shifts, without being told the stipulation of how to not get the extra money. She was volun-told to stay home one night (after she had already arrived to work), even though there were other girls who had wanted to stay home and she wanted to work. So, she found out that she does not get her extra money and that all of her extra work days were a waste because they called her off.
A similar charge nurse surfaces amidst all of these troubles, but I don't want to go starting troubles where there were none. I'm not going to fight my aunt on the extra pay days, but I might go ask her if all of us new girls could be given information on all of the rules and extra things that we are supposed to do with our jobs because the information that we are not being told is coming back to bite us all in the ass.
Speaking of which, we have these blood tests that get sent to another lab. When sending the tests, we have to fill out some form with a bunch of info about the kid we are testing. Nobody ever told me that it couldn't be done in blue ink, and could only be written in black ink. We got a mass email and signs up ALL OVER THE UNIT specifying that the form must be written in black and yada, yada, yada. I know people probably don't know it was me, but they might. Everyone knows I'm new, so I'm not too concerned about it. Still, I'm irritated for getting shamed for things that we were never taught.
Whatever, I'm pretty much just rolling with it. I certainly don't get nearly as embarrassed as I used to. This is another unfortunate side effect of being constantly humiliated by exfiance, exboyfriend, and several other people who used to be friends and are now confused as to why I don't talk to them anymore. It's a mystery really.*** (*Heavy sarcasm there*)
Sunday, November 6, 2016
LC to Call-In
I got to go to work last night! On top of that, I got a bunch of baby snuggles, got to see how nursing work is done for time-change, AND I got to watch a vaginal twin birth and the second kid was a footling breech!
Guys, let's talk about that again...
An OB/GYN delivered a footling breech baby!!! AND I got to see it!!!
I went into work, with the charge offering me two babies that had been with us for awhile. I asked one of the girls who was on admissions if she wanted to go to the birth, because I had heard the mama was going to a vaginal delivery. The girl said I could go because she doesn't like deliveries!!!
Oh what a wonderful day. The poor girls that were there all night had to work 13 hours. We had two 0100 columns in our charting system due to time change. I would be perfectly okay if we did away with the irritating daylight savings' time changes. Goodness, babies don't understand why we're holding off food from them for an extra 30 minutes for two "random" feedings. They can't be talked to and reasoned with as to why we are making them wait and why they are hungry. So many of the babies were hungry and crying because we had them wait. Poor kids.
Ah well, I think I may have passed out from exhaustion if I had to work the full 13 hours. Praise the L-rd for helping me in unexpected ways!
Oh, and on top of that, I learned that I wasn't supposed to get floated the other day. I'm not supposed to get floated until I've been working for at least 6 months. So maybe the practices of this particular charge nurse will get questioned so that an investigation into the hazing of newbies can be started... If not, I'll survive. Whatever, now I know I'm not supposed to go by myself. Cross-training is one thing, but to be sent by myself is another.
Guys, let's talk about that again...
An OB/GYN delivered a footling breech baby!!! AND I got to see it!!!
I went into work, with the charge offering me two babies that had been with us for awhile. I asked one of the girls who was on admissions if she wanted to go to the birth, because I had heard the mama was going to a vaginal delivery. The girl said I could go because she doesn't like deliveries!!!
Oh what a wonderful day. The poor girls that were there all night had to work 13 hours. We had two 0100 columns in our charting system due to time change. I would be perfectly okay if we did away with the irritating daylight savings' time changes. Goodness, babies don't understand why we're holding off food from them for an extra 30 minutes for two "random" feedings. They can't be talked to and reasoned with as to why we are making them wait and why they are hungry. So many of the babies were hungry and crying because we had them wait. Poor kids.
Ah well, I think I may have passed out from exhaustion if I had to work the full 13 hours. Praise the L-rd for helping me in unexpected ways!
Oh, and on top of that, I learned that I wasn't supposed to get floated the other day. I'm not supposed to get floated until I've been working for at least 6 months. So maybe the practices of this particular charge nurse will get questioned so that an investigation into the hazing of newbies can be started... If not, I'll survive. Whatever, now I know I'm not supposed to go by myself. Cross-training is one thing, but to be sent by myself is another.
Saturday, November 5, 2016
LC'd
We have a "fun" term at my new hospital called "LC". It means I get to be on-call all night because there weren't enough babies for me to come into work, but they want me on stand-by just in case something comes up. Normally, they send out a text to see if anyone would prefer to take it. Tonight I got told.
I shouldn't complain, because it's nice to not have to worry about work for a night. However, I know lots of the girls who would love to have an LC night because they have kids and husbands and lives. Me, on the other hand, live to work right now. I have student loans coming up soon (like the next couple of weeks), and bills to pay... by myself. I don't have a spouse to cover me and working is not something that I do as a way to occupy myself or to gain accolades at various social gathering through the year.
No, I am blessed to be able to have a career that matches my desires to care for babies, but I also have to work in order to support myself. I live on a budget, and I have a dog who depends on me to give her food. Granted, I kinda forget to feed her occasionally, but she's not starving to death because I cannot afford to buy her food and she has a tendency to eat a lot of my food. She works it out.
Guys, I'm getting mildly frustrated with my new job. I love the work itself, it's just the politics of the new hospital that are going to kill me. Some days, I am convinced that I get the shitty assignments because I am a new employee and a baby nurse. I will take those with a smile, though I'm gritting my teeth. I suffer through the night and figure out a way to get all my work done without complaining because that is what they expect. Then, there are nights where I am almost certain I can see the rage in some nurse's eyes, and it's directed at me. Did I mention that I'm new? Did I also mention that many of the girls think the only reason I got the job is because my Mema is a NICU nurse at Small Town Hospital and her sister just so happens to be the Director of Nursing for our floor?...
So here I am, a newbie ripe for the hazing, with a target already on my back because my great-aunt gave me the job. Who cares that a HUGE hospital and university chain offered me an interview just after I had already accepted the job here? I didn't want to burn familial bridges by backing out all of a sudden. Who cares that I've been dreaming and working towards coming down here for THREE YEARS NOW!? What does it matter that I grit my teeth through all feedings being at the same time and being assigned three babies that should not be 1) assigned together and 2) each of them needs to be assigned alongside a super easy baby so that the nurse has any hope of getting through the day. I have had assignments all through orientation that the seasoned nurses refused to accept because they knew their day would suck and be impossible to make it through. The only reason I survived the day is because I was paired with a seasoned nurse that helped me through.
What happened to nurses not hazing the newbies? One of the blogs I read had a post about new nurses toughening up, not whining, and if life is so terrible at the hospital you are at, find another job. Thing is, they suckered me into signing a contract before I ever set foot on the floor... I'll know that next time, that's a trap. There's a reason they need nurses to sign on for a certain number of years and that is because their retention rates are CRAP!!! Why? Well, you've got 4 new nurses to the unit who are all thinking about quitting because the social aspect is complete shit. Charge nurses who will legitimately give you assignments out of spite and talk shit behind your back, only for other nurses to bring these awful details to your attention, to your face. That's just asking for trouble.
Yes, we are working with the DON on some of these issues. However, that brings up a whole new problem for me because if I go to her, they will think I'm being favorited and I will be completely screwed. So, I will stick to the method of sucking it up and dealing with it for 1-2 instances. Then, I will ask for a change of assignment and perhaps inform the other party that I feel I am being treated unfairly. Then, and only then, I will go to our manager. If it doesn't go anywhere by then, I'll go to my great-aunt.
Ugh, I'm fixin' to just call everybody out back and we can handle this like men. This middle school girl bullshit is enough to make a person move to another state.
I shouldn't complain, because it's nice to not have to worry about work for a night. However, I know lots of the girls who would love to have an LC night because they have kids and husbands and lives. Me, on the other hand, live to work right now. I have student loans coming up soon (like the next couple of weeks), and bills to pay... by myself. I don't have a spouse to cover me and working is not something that I do as a way to occupy myself or to gain accolades at various social gathering through the year.
No, I am blessed to be able to have a career that matches my desires to care for babies, but I also have to work in order to support myself. I live on a budget, and I have a dog who depends on me to give her food. Granted, I kinda forget to feed her occasionally, but she's not starving to death because I cannot afford to buy her food and she has a tendency to eat a lot of my food. She works it out.
Guys, I'm getting mildly frustrated with my new job. I love the work itself, it's just the politics of the new hospital that are going to kill me. Some days, I am convinced that I get the shitty assignments because I am a new employee and a baby nurse. I will take those with a smile, though I'm gritting my teeth. I suffer through the night and figure out a way to get all my work done without complaining because that is what they expect. Then, there are nights where I am almost certain I can see the rage in some nurse's eyes, and it's directed at me. Did I mention that I'm new? Did I also mention that many of the girls think the only reason I got the job is because my Mema is a NICU nurse at Small Town Hospital and her sister just so happens to be the Director of Nursing for our floor?...
So here I am, a newbie ripe for the hazing, with a target already on my back because my great-aunt gave me the job. Who cares that a HUGE hospital and university chain offered me an interview just after I had already accepted the job here? I didn't want to burn familial bridges by backing out all of a sudden. Who cares that I've been dreaming and working towards coming down here for THREE YEARS NOW!? What does it matter that I grit my teeth through all feedings being at the same time and being assigned three babies that should not be 1) assigned together and 2) each of them needs to be assigned alongside a super easy baby so that the nurse has any hope of getting through the day. I have had assignments all through orientation that the seasoned nurses refused to accept because they knew their day would suck and be impossible to make it through. The only reason I survived the day is because I was paired with a seasoned nurse that helped me through.
What happened to nurses not hazing the newbies? One of the blogs I read had a post about new nurses toughening up, not whining, and if life is so terrible at the hospital you are at, find another job. Thing is, they suckered me into signing a contract before I ever set foot on the floor... I'll know that next time, that's a trap. There's a reason they need nurses to sign on for a certain number of years and that is because their retention rates are CRAP!!! Why? Well, you've got 4 new nurses to the unit who are all thinking about quitting because the social aspect is complete shit. Charge nurses who will legitimately give you assignments out of spite and talk shit behind your back, only for other nurses to bring these awful details to your attention, to your face. That's just asking for trouble.
Yes, we are working with the DON on some of these issues. However, that brings up a whole new problem for me because if I go to her, they will think I'm being favorited and I will be completely screwed. So, I will stick to the method of sucking it up and dealing with it for 1-2 instances. Then, I will ask for a change of assignment and perhaps inform the other party that I feel I am being treated unfairly. Then, and only then, I will go to our manager. If it doesn't go anywhere by then, I'll go to my great-aunt.
Ugh, I'm fixin' to just call everybody out back and we can handle this like men. This middle school girl bullshit is enough to make a person move to another state.
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Annual Flu Shot
I understand the point of vaccines. Many of them save lives and provide some sort of protection from the billions of diseases that plague the earth at this point in time.
HOWEVER...
I am against mandated vaccinations for all people, and I'm against flu vaccines.
Polio is no longer killing all of our children in America each year. They say the polio vaccine got it under control and nearly eradicated it.
Flu, on the other hand, is not going to get wiped out from some dumb ass vaccine that hasn't shown proven efficacy. Getting the flu shot does not mean you are immune from the flu for that year, nor does it guarantee that you will not spread it to someone else when you do get sick.
Plus, the vaccines we get each year are fighting last year's strains and have little to do with protecting against the strains being passed around for this season. Which, makes the vaccine essentially useless. USELESS.
When hospitals mandate the flu vaccine for all of their nurses, they simply offer it to the patients. The patients can refuse with no backlash, but nurses/doctors/employees are either fired or forced to wear a surgical mask. If the flu vaccine so important, shouldn't patients be forced to protect everyone else the way nurses/doctors/employees are forced to? Should they be strong-armed into getting the fucking vaccine as well? If it's so important, that is...
I also understand that it is something that Medicare/Medicaid is forcing on hospitals saying that if they do not have over 90% of their staff receiving the flu vaccine, then the funding will be decreased, though I've heard the decrease is a mere 2%. Hey hospitals, if you take the 2% hit, I'm sure your staff would be willing to bust their assess to go raise money in the community or take a slight paycheck cut of a dollar or two. Or, like you do everything else, just up the price for all of us patients. Isn't that not how it goes when the men in the offices at the top want a raise?
I get the Tdap (redone for nursing school), I got the MMR, I got all of the Hep B and children vaccines when I was a kid, and I hope that those vaccines actually help. I didn't get measles, I didn't get mumps, I didn't die of polio, and I have not yet gotten lock jaw and died from a rusty nail. L-rd willing I don't have Hep B... I'm not turning yellow. However, the flu comes to most of us each year. They don't have a vaccine for colds... Is that next? Why not get vaccines or, better yet, cures for diseases that actually plague and kill people. Put funding into the cure for HIV/AIDS, cure herpes, cure fucking cancer! The flu vaccine is a waste of time and funding. But, that was the point, wasn't it?
It was a vaccine developed to not actually promise to eradicate any disease. It's something they could make sound really important, and make it sound like it would save millions of lives each year, while not actually having to be measured in order to prove it's worth. It's something that makes Big Pharma billions of dollars annually because they got Medicare/Medicaid on board in order to literally force and coerce every hospital into forcing and coercing all of their employees into compliance.
It's like the EpiPen bullshit where that lady jacked up the price for EpiPens from $100 to $600, for an absolutely medically necessary and life saving medicine. Where did the money go? You guessed it, most of it went into the lady's pocket in the form of a huge salary increase.
Exactly what Big Pharma is doing with mandating flu vaccines.
Where are the protests? Where are the fights? Where are the nurses who are willing to stand up and refuse this fucking vaccine? Together we could stop this, but everyone is too lazy and too scared to send in the little piece of paper to refuse the vaccine. If enough of us refused, there's no way they could fire us all. Especially for those of us in small towns, where both hospitals in the town share the same batch of nurses because most nurses have 2 jobs.
Y'all, Ontario did it! One of the nursing unions of Ontario Canada fought the flu vaccines and stated that forcing nurses to wear a mask after refusing the vaccine was a violation of patient privacy because the masks are used for shaming the employees who refuse the vaccine. Masks then lead to patient questions and harassment by other employees and doctors. *All of which I have experienced in my short time I've been a health care worker (starting with being a CNA at the Alzheimer's home)*
So now I stand on the edge of losing my job or pumping solutions into my body that I absolutely do not agree with. Solutions that have been shown to cause early onset Alzheimer's and fertility problems. Solutions that have no proven desired effects. That benefit to risk ratio is pretty abysmal.
HOWEVER...
I am against mandated vaccinations for all people, and I'm against flu vaccines.
Polio is no longer killing all of our children in America each year. They say the polio vaccine got it under control and nearly eradicated it.
Flu, on the other hand, is not going to get wiped out from some dumb ass vaccine that hasn't shown proven efficacy. Getting the flu shot does not mean you are immune from the flu for that year, nor does it guarantee that you will not spread it to someone else when you do get sick.
Plus, the vaccines we get each year are fighting last year's strains and have little to do with protecting against the strains being passed around for this season. Which, makes the vaccine essentially useless. USELESS.
When hospitals mandate the flu vaccine for all of their nurses, they simply offer it to the patients. The patients can refuse with no backlash, but nurses/doctors/employees are either fired or forced to wear a surgical mask. If the flu vaccine so important, shouldn't patients be forced to protect everyone else the way nurses/doctors/employees are forced to? Should they be strong-armed into getting the fucking vaccine as well? If it's so important, that is...
I also understand that it is something that Medicare/Medicaid is forcing on hospitals saying that if they do not have over 90% of their staff receiving the flu vaccine, then the funding will be decreased, though I've heard the decrease is a mere 2%. Hey hospitals, if you take the 2% hit, I'm sure your staff would be willing to bust their assess to go raise money in the community or take a slight paycheck cut of a dollar or two. Or, like you do everything else, just up the price for all of us patients. Isn't that not how it goes when the men in the offices at the top want a raise?
I get the Tdap (redone for nursing school), I got the MMR, I got all of the Hep B and children vaccines when I was a kid, and I hope that those vaccines actually help. I didn't get measles, I didn't get mumps, I didn't die of polio, and I have not yet gotten lock jaw and died from a rusty nail. L-rd willing I don't have Hep B... I'm not turning yellow. However, the flu comes to most of us each year. They don't have a vaccine for colds... Is that next? Why not get vaccines or, better yet, cures for diseases that actually plague and kill people. Put funding into the cure for HIV/AIDS, cure herpes, cure fucking cancer! The flu vaccine is a waste of time and funding. But, that was the point, wasn't it?
It was a vaccine developed to not actually promise to eradicate any disease. It's something they could make sound really important, and make it sound like it would save millions of lives each year, while not actually having to be measured in order to prove it's worth. It's something that makes Big Pharma billions of dollars annually because they got Medicare/Medicaid on board in order to literally force and coerce every hospital into forcing and coercing all of their employees into compliance.
It's like the EpiPen bullshit where that lady jacked up the price for EpiPens from $100 to $600, for an absolutely medically necessary and life saving medicine. Where did the money go? You guessed it, most of it went into the lady's pocket in the form of a huge salary increase.
Exactly what Big Pharma is doing with mandating flu vaccines.
Where are the protests? Where are the fights? Where are the nurses who are willing to stand up and refuse this fucking vaccine? Together we could stop this, but everyone is too lazy and too scared to send in the little piece of paper to refuse the vaccine. If enough of us refused, there's no way they could fire us all. Especially for those of us in small towns, where both hospitals in the town share the same batch of nurses because most nurses have 2 jobs.
Y'all, Ontario did it! One of the nursing unions of Ontario Canada fought the flu vaccines and stated that forcing nurses to wear a mask after refusing the vaccine was a violation of patient privacy because the masks are used for shaming the employees who refuse the vaccine. Masks then lead to patient questions and harassment by other employees and doctors. *All of which I have experienced in my short time I've been a health care worker (starting with being a CNA at the Alzheimer's home)*
So now I stand on the edge of losing my job or pumping solutions into my body that I absolutely do not agree with. Solutions that have been shown to cause early onset Alzheimer's and fertility problems. Solutions that have no proven desired effects. That benefit to risk ratio is pretty abysmal.
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Cross-Training
A beautiful perk to working at a small hospital is being able to ask to cross-train into other units without getting hired on with them as a PRN employee. I asked about a week ago to be able to start training on Postpartum or Labor and Delivery. For those of you that work L&D, or many others of you, y'all know how many certifications and training you have to have in order to be able to be an L&D nurse. As such, I was told that it was too difficult to train a nurse as an L&D RN, unless they are willing to work there full time. Seeing as I am absolutely content and excited to be full-time in NICU, I was completely okay with not doing L&D and sticking with postpartum.
Last night, turns out it was the perfect time to ask to cross-train because we had a low census last night! I showed up, scrubbed in, and looked at my assignment sheet only to find that "Hey, you've been floated to Postpartum!" "Hey, alright! I'll see y'all later!" I said cheerily as I walked my butt right back out that door and down the hall to L&D.
Y'all, I was mildly aprehensive about working on PP (postpartum), because my clinical experience in that area absolutely sucked. I was laughed at, to my face, for a few of my rookie mistakes. Now, keep in mind that this was my first night of clinicals on postpartum, that particular night, and I also didn't make a big deal about anything, I was simply asking for an experienced set of eyes.
The thing I wanted them to see? Well, I wanted a nurse to look at a baby I was checking on because the mom asked why the kid was purple. I did a short assessment to make sure the child was warm and not seeming like it was fixin' to go meet Jesus. Then I calmly (it was a fake calm for the mama's sake), walked to the nurses station and said something to the effect of, "So, know that this is my first day on this unit and the child looks fine. However, the mom is wondering why the baby is purple."
Legit, this is damn near exactly what I said.
Apparently the disclaimer that came before the "purple baby" part didn't matter at all because two nurses jumped up and legit ran into the room. I get it, they were concerned. They checked the kid out and decidedly told me, and everyone else on the fucking floor, that the baby's color was simply due to the purple pain on the wall reflecting back onto the baby. So, in order to fix said problem, the baby should be looked at with the room lighting fully on. Okay, makes sense.
I apologized profusely and they told me it was no big deal and that they would rather run into a room because of a concern or question I had, than for me or anybody else to keep quiet about anything. They said this a mere 5 seconds before recounting the story to my clinical instructor and every single person that made their presence within 25 feet of them. As they told the story (incorrectly, I might add, as they embellished different things with each retelling), and proceeded to point at me and laugh. I shit you not. They seriously pointed at me and laughed.
For nurses who I listened bitch about constantly being short-staffed because they could not retain any of their new-hires, whether new grads or transfers from other hospitals/counties/states, they seriously made fun of a nursing student right in front of her face. And to their coworker who just so happened to be the nursing student's clinical instructor! SERIOUSLY!!! And you ladies wonder why nobody wants to join you on your floor... really? You have no fucking clue? Can I clue you in any???!!!???
Regardless, I survived the day and never had to go back to that stupid floor. It did, however, turn me off to the idea of working in postpartum.
...Until I came here. I met the postpartum nurses and talked to Mema, who was a postpartum nurse when they were short-staffed, and I decided to at least try it. Even if I hated the job, I figure it's something to help me in case I ever have to be floated somewhere, so I can work instead of being sent home, without pay, for a low census of NICU babies.
You know what? I actually ended up loving the night. I had a great nurse who is normally in the Newborn Nursery. So, once we were finished with our first assessment, we went back to the nursery and snuggled babies who were waiting until their feeding times, so their moms could sleep as much as possible during the night. It was beautiful! Plus, I found some gals to come out dancing with me!!! Since the NICU girls don't want to go line-dancing... and they don't actually seem to want to do a whole lot of dancing at all... I found some people to go with me!
Don't get me wrong, I will still do my absolute best to hang out with the NICU girls, doing what it is they want to do. I really do want to be able to spend time with them, get to know them, and bond with them so that we can all have some support on this tough road. However, I still have some desires to go out dancing and go to the country music places, and even have a few drinks every once in awhile! Goodness, I'm not looking to get blacked out drunk, but I want to enjoy a couple drinks with some fun girls, out in a place where I can dance in a line with a whole bunch of other single girls that I don't know from Eve. I can't explain it, but I'm not ready to leave that part of college life just yet. It's a good stress relief for me and I will stick to my rule about not giving my number out at bars.
For goodness sake, I'm in a place with a lot of southern guys and I just want to dance with a few of these great smelling, cutie pie guys. Is that a crime?
Long story short, I am working on getting cross-trained in Postpartum. I thought I would hate it, but it ended up being a lovely surprise, especially if I need to be floated. Plus, maybe they will let me pick up some extra shift PRN!!!
Last night, turns out it was the perfect time to ask to cross-train because we had a low census last night! I showed up, scrubbed in, and looked at my assignment sheet only to find that "Hey, you've been floated to Postpartum!" "Hey, alright! I'll see y'all later!" I said cheerily as I walked my butt right back out that door and down the hall to L&D.
Y'all, I was mildly aprehensive about working on PP (postpartum), because my clinical experience in that area absolutely sucked. I was laughed at, to my face, for a few of my rookie mistakes. Now, keep in mind that this was my first night of clinicals on postpartum, that particular night, and I also didn't make a big deal about anything, I was simply asking for an experienced set of eyes.
The thing I wanted them to see? Well, I wanted a nurse to look at a baby I was checking on because the mom asked why the kid was purple. I did a short assessment to make sure the child was warm and not seeming like it was fixin' to go meet Jesus. Then I calmly (it was a fake calm for the mama's sake), walked to the nurses station and said something to the effect of, "So, know that this is my first day on this unit and the child looks fine. However, the mom is wondering why the baby is purple."
Legit, this is damn near exactly what I said.
Apparently the disclaimer that came before the "purple baby" part didn't matter at all because two nurses jumped up and legit ran into the room. I get it, they were concerned. They checked the kid out and decidedly told me, and everyone else on the fucking floor, that the baby's color was simply due to the purple pain on the wall reflecting back onto the baby. So, in order to fix said problem, the baby should be looked at with the room lighting fully on. Okay, makes sense.
I apologized profusely and they told me it was no big deal and that they would rather run into a room because of a concern or question I had, than for me or anybody else to keep quiet about anything. They said this a mere 5 seconds before recounting the story to my clinical instructor and every single person that made their presence within 25 feet of them. As they told the story (incorrectly, I might add, as they embellished different things with each retelling), and proceeded to point at me and laugh. I shit you not. They seriously pointed at me and laughed.
For nurses who I listened bitch about constantly being short-staffed because they could not retain any of their new-hires, whether new grads or transfers from other hospitals/counties/states, they seriously made fun of a nursing student right in front of her face. And to their coworker who just so happened to be the nursing student's clinical instructor! SERIOUSLY!!! And you ladies wonder why nobody wants to join you on your floor... really? You have no fucking clue? Can I clue you in any???!!!???
Regardless, I survived the day and never had to go back to that stupid floor. It did, however, turn me off to the idea of working in postpartum.
...Until I came here. I met the postpartum nurses and talked to Mema, who was a postpartum nurse when they were short-staffed, and I decided to at least try it. Even if I hated the job, I figure it's something to help me in case I ever have to be floated somewhere, so I can work instead of being sent home, without pay, for a low census of NICU babies.
You know what? I actually ended up loving the night. I had a great nurse who is normally in the Newborn Nursery. So, once we were finished with our first assessment, we went back to the nursery and snuggled babies who were waiting until their feeding times, so their moms could sleep as much as possible during the night. It was beautiful! Plus, I found some gals to come out dancing with me!!! Since the NICU girls don't want to go line-dancing... and they don't actually seem to want to do a whole lot of dancing at all... I found some people to go with me!
Don't get me wrong, I will still do my absolute best to hang out with the NICU girls, doing what it is they want to do. I really do want to be able to spend time with them, get to know them, and bond with them so that we can all have some support on this tough road. However, I still have some desires to go out dancing and go to the country music places, and even have a few drinks every once in awhile! Goodness, I'm not looking to get blacked out drunk, but I want to enjoy a couple drinks with some fun girls, out in a place where I can dance in a line with a whole bunch of other single girls that I don't know from Eve. I can't explain it, but I'm not ready to leave that part of college life just yet. It's a good stress relief for me and I will stick to my rule about not giving my number out at bars.
For goodness sake, I'm in a place with a lot of southern guys and I just want to dance with a few of these great smelling, cutie pie guys. Is that a crime?
Long story short, I am working on getting cross-trained in Postpartum. I thought I would hate it, but it ended up being a lovely surprise, especially if I need to be floated. Plus, maybe they will let me pick up some extra shift PRN!!!
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
First Solo Night
Y'all, I had my first solo night as a NICU RN the other night! I survived it!!! But folks, it was frickin' rough.
Even with them knowing I am a brand-new nurse and had been on orientation the night before... they gave me 3 of the "easier" babies, all with things I have not had to deal with yet with a preceptor and HAD NO FUCKING CLUE HOW TO HANDLE ON MY OWN.
I was talking with a girl who was helping me out, and she asked how my night was going, 2 hours into the shift. I told her good, then explained to her I was given an 8:30 feeder and two 9 o'clock feeders. She legit looked at me and said, "get used to getting terrible assignments for awhile, it happens to everyone."
In a joking matter I laughed and asked, "is it like hazing the new kid?" with a smile and a slight look of fear... to which she responded, "yeah, a little."
Now, I get trying to get me new experiences, and giving me easy babies. Okay, I get it. But if you look at the feeding schedule and avoid giving all of the other, experienced nurses babies that all need to feed at the same time, why the fuck would you give a brand-new nurse all babies that need attention at the same time her first night by herself? Seriously.
For those of you who don't know, feeding times in the NICU are important. Those are the times when you do assessments, get labs, bath, and care for the kid, then feed them. The feeding is supposed to start at their designated feeding time and all cares should be completed before then.
My 8:30 was a kid that was needing to room-in with the parents so that if the parents had any issues during that process, they would have help literally across the hall.
One of my 9:00 feeders was brand new that day, and a train-wreck because not all of her admission labs had been done upon admission, then the NP decided later in the day (like 5 hours later) that hey, maybe getting blood cultures and the other normal admission labs should be collected, just in case. So, day-shift nurse left those for me to do... Now, I'm getting better at regular labs where you just do a heal stick an milk their little foot. The blood culture labs require an IV stick, leaving the catheter in the vein, then aspirating blood drop by drop into a 10 mL syringe to ensure that it is not contaminated with the bacteria from the skin. This is a super scary way to draw labs, and mighty tedious. However, baby veins are so little that you can't just use a butterfly needle or draw blood the way one can on adults or even children. Yes, drawing labs this way is as irritating and tedious as it sounds. Add in the fact that I haven't gotten an IV stick since the very first one I placed on day 2 of orientation, and it stresses me out to no end.
My other 9:00 feeder is truly a feeder-grower. His parents know how to do all cares and he eats really fast. He knows what he's doing and, honestly, I'm not entirely certain why he isn't able to go home yet. But hey, I'm new, so they must be keeping him around for something.
On top of normal cares, me freaking out, and work needing to be completed, we have to get baby weights on night shift. In order to do so, all 20-30 babies are weighed using 1 of 2 scales, unless they happen to be so small that they have a bed with a bed scale.
I had just finished my first assessment when ALL of the parents showed up for ALL of my kids. I needed to do a bunch of paperwork and teaching for the parents who needed to room-in, then get them over to their hospital room for the night. One dad came in with his mom to hold his daughter for the first time since her early birth from emergency c-sections (the kid I still needed to draw labs on...), and the other parents for my second 9:00 feeding showed up and started in on cares and feeding for that baby.
Meanwhile, the charge nurse is asking where I'm at, I had time to only poke my head into each baby's room before I got caught up in the new kids room with a very nervous but sweet dad. The parents waiting to be able to room-in were working on feeding their kid, but ended up having to wait 30 minutes after he was done eating in order for me to get back to help them. And, my sweet parents for my last baby's feeding took care of everything except for weighing their baby, which I put off until the last feeding.
The charge nurse found me, and seemed to get mildly upset with the fact that I wasn't able to be in all three rooms at the same time, but started to help me with delegation and getting other nurses to help with the rooming-in training and whatnot.
Looking back on it now, I can see that feeding the newbie kid should have waited a little bit and I should have gotten labs drawn on the kid when I had a little bit of time before parents showed up. However, I have seen the super-experienced nurses have tons of days like that and I think I handled it pretty fuckin' well. I taught the new dad a lot, and answered all of his questions. I let the parents that knew what they were doing get time with their baby and kept checking in on them instead of just disappearing, and I was able to find a time to sneak away from patient's in order to ask for help. Plus, I was given a difficult assignment that even the day nurse, who has been a NICU nurse for like 15 years, changed as soon as she got in and got report. Now I know I can ask to change it.
I survived my first solo night as a NICU RN. I got done everything I needed to get done, though some was a little bit late. I got a kid a bath, who was in desperate need to be bathed, and he gave me good-smelling baby snuggles with each feeding. I offered help when I had the time, and worked my ass off all night. I organized the beds, talked with all of the parents, and did all that I could, while fending for myself. I was a difficult night and some newbie mistakes were made, but people helped me and went to bat for me once they determined I am willing of their time and effort. I thanked people up one side and down the other to make sure they know I am appreciative of their help. I left in the morning feeling tired, and a little bit defeated, but now that I think back on it, I did an amazing job for a brand-new nurse with only 2 weeks of night time orientation and 12 weeks over-all orientation.
There will be many nights where I will feel way worse because of everything getting crazy busy and hectic all at the same time. There will be days I mess up really bad and need someone to bail me out. There will be difficult parents, babies who are not wanting to fight to live anymore, and times where I feel like a complete failure. For me, I have only had one job where I left and didn't care what happened at work: IT. Working IT left me dreading going to work and counting down the minutes until I left. When I was a cashier in high school, I was so invested in my work that I was constantly trying to improve and do better than I was the day before. In being a CNA, both in the Alzheimer's facility and as a patient sitter in the hospital, I left each day either elated and accomplished or feeling sad/defeated/frustrated/upset. Leaving clinicals was a similar experience for me.
My upset/defeated days come from thinking I could have done something vastly different to lead to a much better outcome than what happened. This can be from interactions with patients, their family, nurses, or any number of the medical staff. It might come from a day when I have no help and the full fuckin' moon is up along with every person with some sore of behavioral issue (both temporary and chronic), or it may come from a day where I am perpetually behind because of something happening at the beginning of the shift.
My happy days come from knowing I did as much as I could. Or from a patient/family member telling me how much I helped them that day. Occasionally, it'll come from a nurse or doctor letting me know how much I helped and how much my presence was required and useful that day (did not happen but once in my 3 years of CNA experience and I didn't believe it when the nurses would tell me that during clinicals because I know I slowed them down). It also came when I had just an amazing learning or teaching experience, like getting to scrub in and assist with a surgery on my first OB clinical night!
For me, I could not handle going to a job where I didn't have emotional connection and attachment to my work. Yes, my heart and emotions are constantly on a roller coaster but, let's be real, I'm on a roller coaster all the time anyway with my bipolar episodes *ba-dum-ts* (that was supposed to be the drum and cymbal sound for when people make a joke). Ha, I made a joke.
You know what, it's true though. My whole heart has been in everything I do, even working IT, and I wouldn't have it any other way. People can tell when you're just there for money or if you actually care about what is happening. I pray my heart stays tender, that I never lose my sense of wonder, and that I am able to continually learn how to be better and care more efficiently so that everyone can feel how much I truly care for them. I never want to get a hard and jaded heart. This means I will have to endure many heartaches and a lot of pain, but I cannot imagine working for 30 years and not feeling anything for my patients or caring about people by the time I retire.
Moral of story for this post: I survived. My babies survived (thought one tried to die on me). And, to top it all off, I was one of the first ones to leave even thought I was able to keep up with all of my work and even help others with their work (as much as possible). I figured I would have been one of the last to leave and super behind all night. Woohoo!
Even with them knowing I am a brand-new nurse and had been on orientation the night before... they gave me 3 of the "easier" babies, all with things I have not had to deal with yet with a preceptor and HAD NO FUCKING CLUE HOW TO HANDLE ON MY OWN.
I was talking with a girl who was helping me out, and she asked how my night was going, 2 hours into the shift. I told her good, then explained to her I was given an 8:30 feeder and two 9 o'clock feeders. She legit looked at me and said, "get used to getting terrible assignments for awhile, it happens to everyone."
In a joking matter I laughed and asked, "is it like hazing the new kid?" with a smile and a slight look of fear... to which she responded, "yeah, a little."
Now, I get trying to get me new experiences, and giving me easy babies. Okay, I get it. But if you look at the feeding schedule and avoid giving all of the other, experienced nurses babies that all need to feed at the same time, why the fuck would you give a brand-new nurse all babies that need attention at the same time her first night by herself? Seriously.
For those of you who don't know, feeding times in the NICU are important. Those are the times when you do assessments, get labs, bath, and care for the kid, then feed them. The feeding is supposed to start at their designated feeding time and all cares should be completed before then.
My 8:30 was a kid that was needing to room-in with the parents so that if the parents had any issues during that process, they would have help literally across the hall.
One of my 9:00 feeders was brand new that day, and a train-wreck because not all of her admission labs had been done upon admission, then the NP decided later in the day (like 5 hours later) that hey, maybe getting blood cultures and the other normal admission labs should be collected, just in case. So, day-shift nurse left those for me to do... Now, I'm getting better at regular labs where you just do a heal stick an milk their little foot. The blood culture labs require an IV stick, leaving the catheter in the vein, then aspirating blood drop by drop into a 10 mL syringe to ensure that it is not contaminated with the bacteria from the skin. This is a super scary way to draw labs, and mighty tedious. However, baby veins are so little that you can't just use a butterfly needle or draw blood the way one can on adults or even children. Yes, drawing labs this way is as irritating and tedious as it sounds. Add in the fact that I haven't gotten an IV stick since the very first one I placed on day 2 of orientation, and it stresses me out to no end.
My other 9:00 feeder is truly a feeder-grower. His parents know how to do all cares and he eats really fast. He knows what he's doing and, honestly, I'm not entirely certain why he isn't able to go home yet. But hey, I'm new, so they must be keeping him around for something.
On top of normal cares, me freaking out, and work needing to be completed, we have to get baby weights on night shift. In order to do so, all 20-30 babies are weighed using 1 of 2 scales, unless they happen to be so small that they have a bed with a bed scale.
I had just finished my first assessment when ALL of the parents showed up for ALL of my kids. I needed to do a bunch of paperwork and teaching for the parents who needed to room-in, then get them over to their hospital room for the night. One dad came in with his mom to hold his daughter for the first time since her early birth from emergency c-sections (the kid I still needed to draw labs on...), and the other parents for my second 9:00 feeding showed up and started in on cares and feeding for that baby.
Meanwhile, the charge nurse is asking where I'm at, I had time to only poke my head into each baby's room before I got caught up in the new kids room with a very nervous but sweet dad. The parents waiting to be able to room-in were working on feeding their kid, but ended up having to wait 30 minutes after he was done eating in order for me to get back to help them. And, my sweet parents for my last baby's feeding took care of everything except for weighing their baby, which I put off until the last feeding.
The charge nurse found me, and seemed to get mildly upset with the fact that I wasn't able to be in all three rooms at the same time, but started to help me with delegation and getting other nurses to help with the rooming-in training and whatnot.
Looking back on it now, I can see that feeding the newbie kid should have waited a little bit and I should have gotten labs drawn on the kid when I had a little bit of time before parents showed up. However, I have seen the super-experienced nurses have tons of days like that and I think I handled it pretty fuckin' well. I taught the new dad a lot, and answered all of his questions. I let the parents that knew what they were doing get time with their baby and kept checking in on them instead of just disappearing, and I was able to find a time to sneak away from patient's in order to ask for help. Plus, I was given a difficult assignment that even the day nurse, who has been a NICU nurse for like 15 years, changed as soon as she got in and got report. Now I know I can ask to change it.
I survived my first solo night as a NICU RN. I got done everything I needed to get done, though some was a little bit late. I got a kid a bath, who was in desperate need to be bathed, and he gave me good-smelling baby snuggles with each feeding. I offered help when I had the time, and worked my ass off all night. I organized the beds, talked with all of the parents, and did all that I could, while fending for myself. I was a difficult night and some newbie mistakes were made, but people helped me and went to bat for me once they determined I am willing of their time and effort. I thanked people up one side and down the other to make sure they know I am appreciative of their help. I left in the morning feeling tired, and a little bit defeated, but now that I think back on it, I did an amazing job for a brand-new nurse with only 2 weeks of night time orientation and 12 weeks over-all orientation.
There will be many nights where I will feel way worse because of everything getting crazy busy and hectic all at the same time. There will be days I mess up really bad and need someone to bail me out. There will be difficult parents, babies who are not wanting to fight to live anymore, and times where I feel like a complete failure. For me, I have only had one job where I left and didn't care what happened at work: IT. Working IT left me dreading going to work and counting down the minutes until I left. When I was a cashier in high school, I was so invested in my work that I was constantly trying to improve and do better than I was the day before. In being a CNA, both in the Alzheimer's facility and as a patient sitter in the hospital, I left each day either elated and accomplished or feeling sad/defeated/frustrated/upset. Leaving clinicals was a similar experience for me.
My upset/defeated days come from thinking I could have done something vastly different to lead to a much better outcome than what happened. This can be from interactions with patients, their family, nurses, or any number of the medical staff. It might come from a day when I have no help and the full fuckin' moon is up along with every person with some sore of behavioral issue (both temporary and chronic), or it may come from a day where I am perpetually behind because of something happening at the beginning of the shift.
My happy days come from knowing I did as much as I could. Or from a patient/family member telling me how much I helped them that day. Occasionally, it'll come from a nurse or doctor letting me know how much I helped and how much my presence was required and useful that day (did not happen but once in my 3 years of CNA experience and I didn't believe it when the nurses would tell me that during clinicals because I know I slowed them down). It also came when I had just an amazing learning or teaching experience, like getting to scrub in and assist with a surgery on my first OB clinical night!
For me, I could not handle going to a job where I didn't have emotional connection and attachment to my work. Yes, my heart and emotions are constantly on a roller coaster but, let's be real, I'm on a roller coaster all the time anyway with my bipolar episodes *ba-dum-ts* (that was supposed to be the drum and cymbal sound for when people make a joke). Ha, I made a joke.
You know what, it's true though. My whole heart has been in everything I do, even working IT, and I wouldn't have it any other way. People can tell when you're just there for money or if you actually care about what is happening. I pray my heart stays tender, that I never lose my sense of wonder, and that I am able to continually learn how to be better and care more efficiently so that everyone can feel how much I truly care for them. I never want to get a hard and jaded heart. This means I will have to endure many heartaches and a lot of pain, but I cannot imagine working for 30 years and not feeling anything for my patients or caring about people by the time I retire.
Moral of story for this post: I survived. My babies survived (thought one tried to die on me). And, to top it all off, I was one of the first ones to leave even thought I was able to keep up with all of my work and even help others with their work (as much as possible). I figured I would have been one of the last to leave and super behind all night. Woohoo!
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