I'm Over It, So It's Over

*****Warning: improper language and graphic stories follow. Proceed with caution!*****

I broke up with fiance... again.

Yes, we did just get "engaged" for the third(?) time, and he just had a birthday. However, when you are over it, you are over it. I, if you haven't guessed, am over it. But wait! It gets better.

For months now I have been probing fiance about different subjects. Some stuff he will give straight answers to, some he will not. In fact, most of his past remains in the dark for me because he won't talk to me about it. He says it brings back bad memories. Well, no shit. For a lot of people, the past brings up bad memories, but the fact that you told me your wife died on date #2 and you refuse more and more to talk about her anymore is worrisome. Plus, I think you're lying about her being dead. I think you just had a tough break up and that was it. I don't believe she is actually dead because your story keeps changing and I found a girl on Facebook with her same fucking name and she is still posting as of New Year's Eve, but she was supposed to have died in 2013. Ya, okay buddy.

I broke up with him the day after his real birthday and a few days after his birthday dinner/public proposal (a.k.a. proposal #3). This also happened to be the day before Exboyfriend's birthday and a few days before Christmas. So, he was having a shitty Christmas week.

Despite having broken up with him then, we talked nearly every day through texting and also calls to each other each night or every other night. I didn't want this, but he keeps going on an on about how he can't live without me. Bullshit.

He ended up spending New Year's Eve with me, then New Year's Day and the night after. 2 nights and about 2.5 days together. We were doing well. He took me out to eat and he actually talked to me instead of being on his phone like he normally had been while we had been dating. He was being sweeter. But as New Year's Eve night went on, he went from not kissing me (as I had requested) and keeping his hands to designated "safe" areas on my body, to kissing me whenever the hell he felt like it and allowing his hands to wander again. In mere fucking hours people!

He keeps telling me he's changed and that he's trying to keep me happy, but it's all bullshit. There's no frickin' way he's actually changing because he reverts back to not respecting me nor my body within minutes of seeing me in person. He tells me it's just because I turn him on and then he's not responsible for his actions. So what? I'm supposed to live with being continually raped and assaulted for the rest of my fucking life? HELL NO! I will not be treated that way.

While he was over, he told me we "had sex 14 times". Funny thing is, I don't recall consenting to those. A few of the times he coerced me and yelled at me until I gave in. The rest of the times he took off my pants, even though I told him no repeatedly, then he played with himself and played with me and then he would get on top saying he wouldn't go in. Then he would proceed to invade me body because he "couldn't control himself". Alright fucker, maybe I can't control my fingers calling the fucking police and getting you arrested. Oops, wouldn't that be a shame?

I've tried to break up with him 4 times now. The first time he yelled at me and asked if that was really what I wanted, especially after he had just handed over $9000 for an engagement ring. The second time was when I asked for a break and he said that means breaking up but then we agreed to not speak for about a month or two and then he broke that within about 6 hours. The next time, we broke up, we still talked and he went out drinking three nights in a row. Typically driving to my place to "talk" after he was black out drunk and definitely not in a safe mental capacity to be driving. Then we got back together on day 3-4 with him promising to be better and work on us. This time, I'm fucking over it.

You know what he told me yesterday? The first ring was fake. I had called him out on it the first time I tried to break up with him. I told him it had CZ stamped on the inside (for cubic zirconium, which is a fake diamond). He told me that the guy at the jewelry store must have lied to him then because he had paid $9000. I asked where he got it from and he told me a jewelry store downtown next to 7-11 (gas station). Curious, I called around asking if anyone had sold to fiance. None of them had. Red flag! However, I ignored it and didn't press the matter further with fiance so as to not piss him off. That ring was then stolen when he was up at work, but he didn't seem too upset about it. He had it in his truck because he was going to get it resized, so he said. He had had my ring for about 4-5 months though, saying the whole time he just hadn't gotten around to it yet. Whatever.

When he proposed at his birthday dinner, however, it was with a different ring. This time, he made a point to keep it in a box with the name of the jewelry store's name on it and showed me the online ad for it. Yesterday, after I asked him what the real deal with the different rings were, he finally told me the truth. Apparently he wanted to marry me right away because he supposedly loved me so much then. However, he found a ring for $9000 and couldn't afford it right then. So, he went to fucking Walmart and bought a $200 fake ring in hopes that he could trade it out for a real one once he got the money to afford the one he wanted to get me. He said I "deserve the biggest rock in the world but he didn't have the money at the time and he didn't think I would notice." Well asshole, date someone dumber than me then! Unfortunately for you, I am significantly smarter than I look and I pay attention to details.

I yelled at him for nearly 20 minutes last night telling him that he should have been honest about everything upfront, he should have saved money to buy me a decent ring instead of half-assing it and getting me a fake one while he throws thousands down to buy himself a new truck and all the trimmings to make it look cool. I also yelled at him for manipulating me with that fake fucking ring telling me it cost thousands of dollars when it absolutely didn't, then he brought that up when we fought after the first break-up attempt. He manipulated me the entire 8 months and I'm letting him have it now. I'm no longer holding back because I have been shaken and devastated by the way he just walked all over me, ruined me, took advantage of me and used my body however he wanted to. I'm angry that I didn't have the strength to walk away the first time I wanted to because then it would have only been a couple of time of abuse/assault/rape instead of now 14 or more times.

Wow, I'm such an idiot. I knew that something as wrong, but I was bound and determined to give him a chance and try to make it work because I believed the best in him. All that did for me is run me into the ground, get me taken advantage of so many times I can't recall the last 8 months because I have blocked them from memory, and it ruined my plans of any kind of a happy life. Because of him and Exboyfriend, I have no desire to date, get married, or have children because nothing good has ever come from dating for me. Plus, I have seen nothing good come out of marriage in any of the relationships I am around.

I have a theory that the assholes (male or female) of the world have detectors and find the decent, or even wonderful, people of the world and they decide to take over the good people and enslave them in marriage. This burns out many of the good people and make the assholes look and feel like there is little to nothing wrong with them because they found love so they must be a catch. Now, is this true for everyone? Not likely. Am I jaded and cynical and ridiculously pissed off? Absolutely. Right now, life is the hardest it's been for me probably ever.

I had dreams of finding a guy, dating without kissing. Getting married and going into my marriage as a virgin. I had dreams of having children. Being a nurse while also raising children at home. Then proceeding on to a very happy life. All of my plans were destroyed in an instant. Exboyfriend and Exfiance both got kisses from me. Both attempted to steal my virginity and I think they have. I do not want to get married. I definitely don't want children because I'm terrified that what happened to me will happen to them. I see no happiness in the foreseeable future for me. Yes, G-d knows what will happen in my life, but if I were a guy, I wouldn't want me. I wouldn't want someone who was so stupid as to fall into getting raped by two guys. Not only that, the first guy raped me twice in a weekend because I was too dumb to leave when I had originally wanted to. Then the second guy raped me too many times to count and I just stayed with him hoping that he actually loved me and we would eventually work it out. I am a complete fucking moron and should not be desired by anyone. I have been ruined and crushed beyond human repair. If the L-rd repairs me, it's going to damn near require an entirely new inner me, a whole new body, and a complete memory wipe.

I'm so over it. I have never been so angry at myself or anyone else in my life. I told him to stop talking to me for at least a month, but I'm fixing to block his number and block him on Facebook so that he won't be able to reach me ever again. If I need to, I'm about ready to get a fucking restraining order if I ever see him show up at my house.

Best thing yet, I have dealt with all of these things on my own for months because my friends and family have been pushed away by him and I was too stupid to see that. So, now I'm completely on my own and so very angry.

In the midst of my anger last night, about 20 minutes after fiance confessed about the stupid ring lies he told me, I heard a whisper in my heart to forgive. I got a few moments of peace after that, but I couldn't sleep last night and my anger has returned fresh this morning and stuck around me all day. I don't know how I'll survive this.