Let's preface this with the fact that we had a recent baby boom and are busting at the seems.
I keep making stupid newbie mistakes. Now, is this because I'm not paying attention? Not really. Mostly, I'm making mistakes without even knowing I'm making them because these are things that I was not taught in orientation. Now that I am on my own, I get in trouble for making said mistakes because I am now responsible for the actions I do, whether I know it is against the rules or not.
This was brought about by getting "in trouble" (my words, not theirs) for overfeeding my kid. In our unit, children can go to ad lib and/or on demand. This, to me, means they can eat however much they want (ad lib) whenever they wake up and start fussing (on demand). Nobody taught me otherwise, until today.
I had my charge nurse feed one of my kids because I was crazy busy and also way late on charting. Well, she ended up looking at my charting and told me I was way overfeeding my kid. Apparently it is an unspoken rule that ad lib actually means 160-200 mL/kg/day. Now, average this out by how long the kid goes between feedings (2-4 hours) and you get your ad lib ranges of what to feed depending on how long they slept. Who knew? Well, I guess everyone did... except me. So, this kid's max was 100 (actually this is only for going 3 hours in between, for 4 hours it's 133 mL) and I was letting him take as much as he wanted, in the ball parks of 120-150. So, not too much over, and I admitted my mistake to day shift during report, to my friends, and to our unit manager. However, I still feel like a complete dumb ass because I just know this is going to end up being a thing that gets talked about for weeks. The doctor is going to be upset, I'm going to get a lecture, maybe a group email, and it'll be because of me and because I have no clue what the hell I'm doing. Some kids do get ordered to be ad lib with no max. Apparently this is something that is uncommon and ad lib means 160-200.
Ya live and learn, I guess. Poor day shift must think I'm a complete moron because I know the other girls on night shift think I am.
In other news we got our yearly reviews done... everyone is pissed. We have a peer review system, but not everyone fills out reviews for other employees. Plus, the reviews from the employees are used as the sole summation of your work on the unit. So, there is a lot of bias. If you get your review "randomly" (I don't think they were all random) put into a folder to be reviewed by someone on our unit who doesn't like you, your raise will depend on how mean they felt that day. On the flip side, we have some employees who don't do well at work and cut corners who get reviewed by their friends and end up getting raises that they maybe shouldn't have gotten as well as better reviews than they worked for. So, no matter what, you get screwed. So, I got an okay eval, but my friends did not. Their evals went to a girl who is not nice to us and clearly does not like any of us new girls. Therefore, my friends had terrible reviews and did not get the same type of raise I did. It might be by just a few cents, but the reviews are on file for the rest of their career at this hospital. They are not getting good marks because their "grader" is spiteful, rude, mad at us for going to HR about her, and biased.
Add in that I'm tired, probably PMS'ing, and cannot seem to have a good night, and even though I'm sleep deprived, I will probably end up not sleeping well. That sucks because I have been at work every night for a week and still have another 4 days to go. I kid you not, I will have 13 days clocked, in a row because I'm stupid and kept coming in "for just one more night" because we were slammed with kids.
Sometimes I do dumb things.
Mostly, I do dumb things regularly. It's a wonder my review didn't turn out worse than the most negative things being written is that "she gets frustrated". Well no shit. I'm a new grad, I've been on my own for 3 months (out of orientation), and I get frustrating assignments because they are trying to get me experiences with tougher assignments. They say that in the review. Half of our staff is frustrated and frazzled most of their nights at work because they are 1) high strung on their good days and completely out of control on a mediocre day or 2) assignments are not given to be balanced so that stress is evenly distributed across the entirety of the staff for the shift. Assignments are given with no regards to patient needs and nurse responsibilities.
On a more positive note. I emailed the nurse midwifery program I want to attend. They emailed back quickly and asked if I wanted to start in August 2017... I can't move yet, but I kind of want to start school so I'll graduate in 2020. It's a happy year especially with high school graduation being 2012, college graduation being 2016; 2020 fits my little trend!
The only thing I can think is: I can't even be a nurse and do things correctly on a regular basis, what makes me think I can be a practitioner and write orders as opposed to simply following practitioner orders? Everything takes practice and experience, but it's scary!
Ah well. I'm off to sleep so that I can show up to struggle through another crazy shift.
Let's not even talk about my new desire for a kid. I keep getting attached to my little patients that I tear up when they get to go home. It's bitter sweet, but I love these kids more than I should be loving patients. Then I want a kid, but then I'm over-come with dread and fear of the things they could/might go through in life. Then I start crying because I get scared thinking about what it would be like to have to go through meeting a guy and hoping he won't be evil to me like the other guys have been. And, if he's not evil, then I am scared to tell him the evils I've survived and I'll have to delve into why I don't think I'm pure... and... and... and...
I think I just need some sleep. I'll catch up with y'all later.
Showing posts with label new grad nurse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label new grad nurse. Show all posts
Thursday, February 16, 2017
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Comedic Relief?
I got a friend request on Facebook the other day from someone I didn't recognize. Looking through the little bit that was shown on their profile without us being friends, left me still confused as to who this person was.
I looked at the birthday and it matched Exfiance's birthday day, but it showed a different year... I looked at the name and the first name was his, but the last had been changed... There was only a profile picture taken through a windshield looking out onto fields of wild grass, and a cover photo of a motorcycle. I did not recognize the vehicle in the profile picture, nor did I recognize the motor cycle.
Something about the friend request struck me as odd, from the very beginning. As I did my short little search, more and more pointed to this being an obviously fake account, likely set up by A**hole Exfiance.
I never imagined his search for me would ever cease. I'm sure he's curious about what I'm doing, where I am, and how I'm doing without him.
You know what? I'm doing just fine right now, besides the stress of the fucking flu shot and minor stresses that plague every newly graduated college student (bills, chores, student loans, new job, etc). I have bouts of memories, but the L-rd brings me peace. I have struggles with insecurities, still, but I am also more confident than I think I've been in my whole life.
G-d is restoring me from the shell of a person I was a mere year ago, or even 4 months ago. He is filling in the cracks with gold and showing the bits of value I always had.
Praise the L-rd I'm smarter than I look. I can't believe he thought I would be so stupid that I would accept a friend request from 1) someone I didn't know, 2) that someone has his same first name and birthday and 3) pictures that do not show who the account is for... for real dumbass? You think I'm that dumb? After I went to the police, around your back, filed the report, called you on a recorded line, and broke up with you 4 times... while learning how to block you on every communication line you thought you could use. After all of that you think I'm going to be dumb enough to accept your dumbass, non-creative, completely unhidden friend request just because it has a different last name and different birth year?
Good heavens.
I looked at the birthday and it matched Exfiance's birthday day, but it showed a different year... I looked at the name and the first name was his, but the last had been changed... There was only a profile picture taken through a windshield looking out onto fields of wild grass, and a cover photo of a motorcycle. I did not recognize the vehicle in the profile picture, nor did I recognize the motor cycle.
Something about the friend request struck me as odd, from the very beginning. As I did my short little search, more and more pointed to this being an obviously fake account, likely set up by A**hole Exfiance.
I never imagined his search for me would ever cease. I'm sure he's curious about what I'm doing, where I am, and how I'm doing without him.
You know what? I'm doing just fine right now, besides the stress of the fucking flu shot and minor stresses that plague every newly graduated college student (bills, chores, student loans, new job, etc). I have bouts of memories, but the L-rd brings me peace. I have struggles with insecurities, still, but I am also more confident than I think I've been in my whole life.
G-d is restoring me from the shell of a person I was a mere year ago, or even 4 months ago. He is filling in the cracks with gold and showing the bits of value I always had.
Praise the L-rd I'm smarter than I look. I can't believe he thought I would be so stupid that I would accept a friend request from 1) someone I didn't know, 2) that someone has his same first name and birthday and 3) pictures that do not show who the account is for... for real dumbass? You think I'm that dumb? After I went to the police, around your back, filed the report, called you on a recorded line, and broke up with you 4 times... while learning how to block you on every communication line you thought you could use. After all of that you think I'm going to be dumb enough to accept your dumbass, non-creative, completely unhidden friend request just because it has a different last name and different birth year?
Good heavens.
Thursday, September 22, 2016
NIghtshift Begins
I worked night shift as a CNA for a year and a half through nursing school. I was a patient sitter, who sat with 1-4 patients on the nights I worked. 12 hours, in a dark, chilly hospital room, trying to get a patient to sleep is difficult work. You may think it's easy or lazy work, which leads me to say: "You do it!" I have had multiple patients grab, kick, punch, and hit me. Yelling doesn't even count as attacks anymore, but some people come up with some nasty things to say when they are on CIWA (edited from AWA, I don't know what AWA is but I wrote this while tired... my bad) (alcohol withdrawal) precautions and need themselves a little buddy for their hospital stay. I have had to stand in the way of elevator doors and hand on for dear life as a dementia patient was pulling me in then pushing me out in hopes that he could get the elevator to work so he could go home.
It may not sound like much, but I have sat with suicidal 15 year-olds, patients suffering from paranoid schizophrenia, CIWA people, dementia sufferers simply wanting to go home, and with so many confused patients that even the nurse refuses to come into the room because of the tension and stress the patient causes for the patient. And yes, they charted that they had done their assessment... I saw it in the charting system but never once saw the damn nurse come into the room (I would know, I was in that stupid room all night, without a break).
Anywho, I predicted that working nights in the NICU would be slightly smoother and a little less difficult to stay awake during. I was correct... for the time-being. I haven't needed mid-shift caffeine boluses (for myself, we started a couple on the kiddos) just yet, nor have I been nodding off while charting. Granted, I just worked my second night shift last night and I'm still working on staying on-time with meds, labs, and feedings, so I stay pretty busy most of my shift.
First Night in NICU: I show up, bright-eyed and bushy tailed for the first day of night orientation. We get report on our two sweet babies and get started. Everything is chugging along with on kid that was admitted a couple hours before we got them (so they required a lot of extra help), and another little punkin that fought feedings with everything the kid had. My gosh, the baby would cry when not being fed, but refuse to eat when we finally gave the bottle. Hahaha, it happens, in my short amount of working, I have seen a few kids do that. So, we got through to about midnight and got notice that we would be getting another child to our assignment. Praise the L-rd I had a preceptor because I didn't even help with our third baby. Then, around 0430, we got a call that our already short-staffed unit would be receiving another little bundle of joy via surprise c-section! Seeing as I'm still learning, and two... one and a quarter nurses are better than none at said delivery... off we ran not even ten minutes later to a delivery that proceeded much more quickly than we were warned about.
When all the day nurses that had been teaching me for the past several months asked how my first night-shift was, all I could do was allow my eyes to get really wide and say, "Well, I learned a lot." That's it! My gosh, I did learn a lot and the nurses learned that I could be counted on to do their assessments if I happened to not be crazy busy while one of their little patients decided to go meet Jesus as an inopportune time for us. I know it's all about working with the babies and their schedule, but them leaving us to "go towards the light" is not something we take kindly to.
Plus, I realized at about 0200 that it was the Harvest Moon, which is a full moon that packs in EXTRA "excitement" (edited from crazy, because that's a mean word to use), obviously. The labor board was chalked full, our NICU is full to bursting, and all of the babies (both earth-side and those still earth-bound) were in cahoots. The ones we had were mostly trying to die or crying their little lungs out. While the kiddos still cooking in mamas decided that it's about time they join in with our fun. Well, normally I'm all for lots of babies, but when said babies are just a couple weeks over halfway baked, it causes a bit of stress for the medical professionals committed to trying to make sure living humans remains living.
NICU Night #2: We started with two infants and gave report on only those two infants. Oh my gosh, it was glorious. We had time to help other nurses that were crazy busy, and all of us went home and clocked out on time! Charting completed, meds given, learning opportunities utilized, IV placed on child, and teachings done!
When day-shift nurses came on and asked how my shift went, I couldn't help but beam with excitement. I stayed on-timeish (minus getting behind for pulling an umbilical arterial line (scary) and doing labs at 0500. Besides that, the shift went fairly well. My gosh, I have been so incredibly blessed with good preceptors and my night-shift preceptor is no exception. She is a wonderful nurse, a great teacher, and a really sweet lady. I am very glad to be able to get to learn from her and know that I can count on her when I am on my own drowning in the future.
My orientation is technically over in 4 shifts. That completes my 12 weeks of training and preceptorship and the more I work the more under-qualified I feel. I'm not a parent. I've never breastfed. I am a brand-new nurse that has a college degree essentially giving me permission to begin on-the-job training. In a field that is life and death, that is freakin' terrifying. Throw into the mix that the life-or-death circumstances belongs to people's literal babies, and I'm plumb scared off my rocker.
Between being scared of breaking or killing somebody else's child and being terrified that they think I'm gonna be okay to be on my own soon, there is also the worry of the night shift staff. So many of them are girls that are a year or two out of college, but already thinking they should be charge nurse. However, these girls don't even keep up with the responsibilities they have to keep their babies clean, fed, and organized. I'm so sick of my generation thinking that they are better than other, they are entitled, or that they can climb the ladder just by sucking up to those in management positions while degrading and bullying those of us perceived to be "less than" them. Why am I "less than" you might ask? I don't know. These girls won't acknowledge me, look at me, speak to me, help me, or otherwise respect me as a living being. The only thing that shows that they can actually see me, is that us "less than's" tend to be tucked into various jokes. At least I provide comedic relief to somebody! I'm constantly laughing at myself, but it's nice to know somebody else can laugh with me too.
It may not sound like much, but I have sat with suicidal 15 year-olds, patients suffering from paranoid schizophrenia, CIWA people, dementia sufferers simply wanting to go home, and with so many confused patients that even the nurse refuses to come into the room because of the tension and stress the patient causes for the patient. And yes, they charted that they had done their assessment... I saw it in the charting system but never once saw the damn nurse come into the room (I would know, I was in that stupid room all night, without a break).
Anywho, I predicted that working nights in the NICU would be slightly smoother and a little less difficult to stay awake during. I was correct... for the time-being. I haven't needed mid-shift caffeine boluses (for myself, we started a couple on the kiddos) just yet, nor have I been nodding off while charting. Granted, I just worked my second night shift last night and I'm still working on staying on-time with meds, labs, and feedings, so I stay pretty busy most of my shift.
First Night in NICU: I show up, bright-eyed and bushy tailed for the first day of night orientation. We get report on our two sweet babies and get started. Everything is chugging along with on kid that was admitted a couple hours before we got them (so they required a lot of extra help), and another little punkin that fought feedings with everything the kid had. My gosh, the baby would cry when not being fed, but refuse to eat when we finally gave the bottle. Hahaha, it happens, in my short amount of working, I have seen a few kids do that. So, we got through to about midnight and got notice that we would be getting another child to our assignment. Praise the L-rd I had a preceptor because I didn't even help with our third baby. Then, around 0430, we got a call that our already short-staffed unit would be receiving another little bundle of joy via surprise c-section! Seeing as I'm still learning, and two... one and a quarter nurses are better than none at said delivery... off we ran not even ten minutes later to a delivery that proceeded much more quickly than we were warned about.
When all the day nurses that had been teaching me for the past several months asked how my first night-shift was, all I could do was allow my eyes to get really wide and say, "Well, I learned a lot." That's it! My gosh, I did learn a lot and the nurses learned that I could be counted on to do their assessments if I happened to not be crazy busy while one of their little patients decided to go meet Jesus as an inopportune time for us. I know it's all about working with the babies and their schedule, but them leaving us to "go towards the light" is not something we take kindly to.
Plus, I realized at about 0200 that it was the Harvest Moon, which is a full moon that packs in EXTRA "excitement" (edited from crazy, because that's a mean word to use), obviously. The labor board was chalked full, our NICU is full to bursting, and all of the babies (both earth-side and those still earth-bound) were in cahoots. The ones we had were mostly trying to die or crying their little lungs out. While the kiddos still cooking in mamas decided that it's about time they join in with our fun. Well, normally I'm all for lots of babies, but when said babies are just a couple weeks over halfway baked, it causes a bit of stress for the medical professionals committed to trying to make sure living humans remains living.
NICU Night #2: We started with two infants and gave report on only those two infants. Oh my gosh, it was glorious. We had time to help other nurses that were crazy busy, and all of us went home and clocked out on time! Charting completed, meds given, learning opportunities utilized, IV placed on child, and teachings done!
When day-shift nurses came on and asked how my shift went, I couldn't help but beam with excitement. I stayed on-timeish (minus getting behind for pulling an umbilical arterial line (scary) and doing labs at 0500. Besides that, the shift went fairly well. My gosh, I have been so incredibly blessed with good preceptors and my night-shift preceptor is no exception. She is a wonderful nurse, a great teacher, and a really sweet lady. I am very glad to be able to get to learn from her and know that I can count on her when I am on my own drowning in the future.
My orientation is technically over in 4 shifts. That completes my 12 weeks of training and preceptorship and the more I work the more under-qualified I feel. I'm not a parent. I've never breastfed. I am a brand-new nurse that has a college degree essentially giving me permission to begin on-the-job training. In a field that is life and death, that is freakin' terrifying. Throw into the mix that the life-or-death circumstances belongs to people's literal babies, and I'm plumb scared off my rocker.
Between being scared of breaking or killing somebody else's child and being terrified that they think I'm gonna be okay to be on my own soon, there is also the worry of the night shift staff. So many of them are girls that are a year or two out of college, but already thinking they should be charge nurse. However, these girls don't even keep up with the responsibilities they have to keep their babies clean, fed, and organized. I'm so sick of my generation thinking that they are better than other, they are entitled, or that they can climb the ladder just by sucking up to those in management positions while degrading and bullying those of us perceived to be "less than" them. Why am I "less than" you might ask? I don't know. These girls won't acknowledge me, look at me, speak to me, help me, or otherwise respect me as a living being. The only thing that shows that they can actually see me, is that us "less than's" tend to be tucked into various jokes. At least I provide comedic relief to somebody! I'm constantly laughing at myself, but it's nice to know somebody else can laugh with me too.
Saturday, August 27, 2016
New to the NICU
I have been with the same preceptor for several weeks now, but I requested a change so that I would be able to see how the other nurses go about organizing their day and also so I could get some chances to work with the vent babies and see all that I could while I'm still on orientation.
So, I got put with a different nurse on Tuesday, after rocking it with my original preceptor on Monday. Guys, on Tuesday the original lady said she missed me because I was starting to do so well! She also mentioned she missed me because she was having to do actual work that day... Not certain if that tells you anything about preceptor-ship or not but my teachers keep disappearing throughout the days they have me...
Any who, I ran a little bit late on Tuesday, the times that I waited for my lady to come help, but when I got to do what I knew I needed to do, I did just fine! She came and found me finishing up my second assessment (on time, mind you) and she helped me by making milk for the next shift while I charted! She told me she was going to be my assistant for the day and let me try to be the nurse and hey, I did it! We even got in a bath for one kid and put the other one on a nasal cannula instead of a CPAP device. Well, she changed over the CPAP to cannula with a respiratory therapist while I started on the first baby. The vent babies now scare me a little less, and I think I can hopefully start to care for two babies pretty consistently now. I know I kept their beeping down to a minimum because I actually stayed with the kids all day instead of remaining in the nurses station where the beeping gets insanely loud with all the babies going off at the same time.
What have I learned? I learned to do what I need to do without waiting for my preceptor. If they are nowhere to be found and I can start on some kind of task, then I just need to go ahead and do that. I learned this in nursing school too. I avoided my instructors all the day long! and had much easier days than the students who went to the instructor instead of their primary nurses. Hahaha, don't learn from me kids, I just need a lot more independence to learn than many of my friends seemed to choose. Keeping away from my preceptors and instructors ensure for me that they are not meddling in my work. If I know what I need to do, I can take their advice after I'm done (as long as it is safe for me to do so, I ask questions when I'm not sure and scared about hurting somebody, don't get me wrong). However, for routine things not involving needles, IVs, transporting, changing machines, or other safety issues, I do what I know I need to do without waiting for them because I'd still be waiting there for help, and it's been four days.
I've certainly had my days of feeling completely worthless. Even now, I miss a lot of things, but going from a very "on the ball" nurse to one who is great at teaching and letting me fix my own mistakes with no ridicule, I'm glad I asked for a change. Yes, I was just starting to get to the point where I knew my original preceptor and could anticipate all that she wanted me to do. But every once in a while, she would remember something I miss that I never learned and I would get in trouble for not knowing to do it. With my new nurse, I learned about vents, changing from CPAP for a nasal cannula for a baby, and also how to care for micro premies. She is more gracious when I get behind and has a "go-with-the-flow" attitude that reminds me a lot of my mom. She lets me figure out what I missed on my own and while I attempt to be more strict on myself and I try to imitate my original preceptors nursing ability much more closely, I connect and learn better from my preceptor now who lets me try to figure it out on my own and doesn't make me feel bad for missing things.
So, I got put with a different nurse on Tuesday, after rocking it with my original preceptor on Monday. Guys, on Tuesday the original lady said she missed me because I was starting to do so well! She also mentioned she missed me because she was having to do actual work that day... Not certain if that tells you anything about preceptor-ship or not but my teachers keep disappearing throughout the days they have me...
Any who, I ran a little bit late on Tuesday, the times that I waited for my lady to come help, but when I got to do what I knew I needed to do, I did just fine! She came and found me finishing up my second assessment (on time, mind you) and she helped me by making milk for the next shift while I charted! She told me she was going to be my assistant for the day and let me try to be the nurse and hey, I did it! We even got in a bath for one kid and put the other one on a nasal cannula instead of a CPAP device. Well, she changed over the CPAP to cannula with a respiratory therapist while I started on the first baby. The vent babies now scare me a little less, and I think I can hopefully start to care for two babies pretty consistently now. I know I kept their beeping down to a minimum because I actually stayed with the kids all day instead of remaining in the nurses station where the beeping gets insanely loud with all the babies going off at the same time.
What have I learned? I learned to do what I need to do without waiting for my preceptor. If they are nowhere to be found and I can start on some kind of task, then I just need to go ahead and do that. I learned this in nursing school too. I avoided my instructors all the day long! and had much easier days than the students who went to the instructor instead of their primary nurses. Hahaha, don't learn from me kids, I just need a lot more independence to learn than many of my friends seemed to choose. Keeping away from my preceptors and instructors ensure for me that they are not meddling in my work. If I know what I need to do, I can take their advice after I'm done (as long as it is safe for me to do so, I ask questions when I'm not sure and scared about hurting somebody, don't get me wrong). However, for routine things not involving needles, IVs, transporting, changing machines, or other safety issues, I do what I know I need to do without waiting for them because I'd still be waiting there for help, and it's been four days.
I've certainly had my days of feeling completely worthless. Even now, I miss a lot of things, but going from a very "on the ball" nurse to one who is great at teaching and letting me fix my own mistakes with no ridicule, I'm glad I asked for a change. Yes, I was just starting to get to the point where I knew my original preceptor and could anticipate all that she wanted me to do. But every once in a while, she would remember something I miss that I never learned and I would get in trouble for not knowing to do it. With my new nurse, I learned about vents, changing from CPAP for a nasal cannula for a baby, and also how to care for micro premies. She is more gracious when I get behind and has a "go-with-the-flow" attitude that reminds me a lot of my mom. She lets me figure out what I missed on my own and while I attempt to be more strict on myself and I try to imitate my original preceptors nursing ability much more closely, I connect and learn better from my preceptor now who lets me try to figure it out on my own and doesn't make me feel bad for missing things.
Monday, August 22, 2016
A Little Exciting News
So, in the midst of what feels like a continual life storm at this point... I have a few points of good news!
1) I fixed my dryer yesterday. All by myself! I woke up Friday, trying to throw my scrub pants into the dryer really quick because I had washed them for work. Well, the dryer was sounding like it was working, but it was not tumbling. Great. I proceeded to dry my pants, with a hair dryer, and went to work with wet pants. Have you ever done that? Oh my gosh, wet pants are AWFUL!!!
Oh well, I called my dad on Saturday, told him what was going on and that I thought the belt had broken. He agreed that's what it sounded like. So, I took my dryer apart Sunday in hopes that I would fix it and not make it worse. Turns out the belt had simply slipped off the tension spring instead of breaking completely. Praise the L-rd!
2) I took care of 2 babies successfully, mostly on my own, for two days now! I was really struggling because i had 2 days of feeling like I had just been put through the wringer and criticized for everything even though I had gotten no instruction on how to do things... That was frustrating. Well, whatever. I shook it off and went back for another day. Friday and today (Monday) ended up turning out really well! I know two babies don't sound like much, but I'm finally getting to the point where I forget less and less during my assessments and during the day. I'm beginning to remember the various nuances and strange rules that occur in the NICU. And I am starting to find my newbie groove while simultaneously keeping most poop and urine off of the baby's bedding. Yay! (Guys, I had an incident involving projectile shit in an isolette. Add in a flailing baby and you can just imagine the art work created. While walking away from that baby's room about 30 minutes after the incident, I found a lovely, long, brown streak going down the length of my forearm. *sigh* The struggle.
3) Last, but not least, I PASSED THE NCLEX!!! Do y'all know what that means? That means I am a Real/Registered/Redneck Nurse. In case you missed it, that is three was to define the term of R.N. and they ALL describe me! I'm now a Real Nurse (maybe a baby or adolescent nurse, but I'm a real nurse), I am a Registered Nurse (of course, that's what the hospital and Board of Nursing call me), and I'm also a Redneck Nurse (as described my my nursing class and those who know me best). Guys, I am so very glad and excited to be done!
As you may know, I've been working as a graduate nurse and have been signing my name at work (as necessary) as BedpanAlley, GN. Well, today I got to sign it BedpanAlley, RN! AND I got a new badge changing the GN to RN!!! So, so, so excited and relieved.
Well, seeing as I have to go to work again tomorrow, which means I get up at 0430 (unless I want to smell good which means I need to wake up at 0400...). Anyway, I better hit the hay. As it is, I'll be getting maybe 5 hours of sleep.
Goodnight y'all!
BedpanAlley, RN, BSN
1) I fixed my dryer yesterday. All by myself! I woke up Friday, trying to throw my scrub pants into the dryer really quick because I had washed them for work. Well, the dryer was sounding like it was working, but it was not tumbling. Great. I proceeded to dry my pants, with a hair dryer, and went to work with wet pants. Have you ever done that? Oh my gosh, wet pants are AWFUL!!!
Oh well, I called my dad on Saturday, told him what was going on and that I thought the belt had broken. He agreed that's what it sounded like. So, I took my dryer apart Sunday in hopes that I would fix it and not make it worse. Turns out the belt had simply slipped off the tension spring instead of breaking completely. Praise the L-rd!
2) I took care of 2 babies successfully, mostly on my own, for two days now! I was really struggling because i had 2 days of feeling like I had just been put through the wringer and criticized for everything even though I had gotten no instruction on how to do things... That was frustrating. Well, whatever. I shook it off and went back for another day. Friday and today (Monday) ended up turning out really well! I know two babies don't sound like much, but I'm finally getting to the point where I forget less and less during my assessments and during the day. I'm beginning to remember the various nuances and strange rules that occur in the NICU. And I am starting to find my newbie groove while simultaneously keeping most poop and urine off of the baby's bedding. Yay! (Guys, I had an incident involving projectile shit in an isolette. Add in a flailing baby and you can just imagine the art work created. While walking away from that baby's room about 30 minutes after the incident, I found a lovely, long, brown streak going down the length of my forearm. *sigh* The struggle.
3) Last, but not least, I PASSED THE NCLEX!!! Do y'all know what that means? That means I am a Real/Registered/Redneck Nurse. In case you missed it, that is three was to define the term of R.N. and they ALL describe me! I'm now a Real Nurse (maybe a baby or adolescent nurse, but I'm a real nurse), I am a Registered Nurse (of course, that's what the hospital and Board of Nursing call me), and I'm also a Redneck Nurse (as described my my nursing class and those who know me best). Guys, I am so very glad and excited to be done!
As you may know, I've been working as a graduate nurse and have been signing my name at work (as necessary) as BedpanAlley, GN. Well, today I got to sign it BedpanAlley, RN! AND I got a new badge changing the GN to RN!!! So, so, so excited and relieved.
Well, seeing as I have to go to work again tomorrow, which means I get up at 0430 (unless I want to smell good which means I need to wake up at 0400...). Anyway, I better hit the hay. As it is, I'll be getting maybe 5 hours of sleep.
Goodnight y'all!
BedpanAlley, RN, BSN
Thursday, July 21, 2016
New Job
Folks, I finally started my new job. I love it!
I have spent the majority of my life, waiting to get to this job, to this point. I am graduated from nursing school, I'm employed at a wonderful hospital, and I have my dream job. Yes, this may change, but for right now I am excited!
I understand I wrote my other post sounding quite angry about my past and the abuse that occurred along with the lack of legal help that is available. It's utter bullshit. However, I'm angry at the injustices and excited for my new phase of life, all at the same time.
I am cleansed of friends that didn't work at our friendship, while I was expected to bend over backward to help them and make them happy. Sorry, but that's not how friendships are going to work with me.
So, after graduation, I cleared out my snapchat and Facebook friend lists. I have cleansed as much as I can, so that I am not followed by the negativity that surrounded those particular relationships. It was freeing while simultaneously making me very lonely. After some time, I have learned to grow accustomed to the quiet and lack of people surrounding me all the time. I'm growing up, and learning how to fit into the adult world while many of my nursing school friends are still in their college mindset, which just so happened to be their high school mindset carried over into the higher education system.
I'm seriously worried for the well-being of the world because our future is looking bleak with the abysmal characteristics of the next generation coming into adulthood. Oh boy, it's going to be a bumpy ride, at best.
While shitty things are brewing for society, to be released in the near future, I'm gonna go find me a house, on my own private island. Preferably somewhere warm, and I'll have my own private beach. Y'all can come get me if everyone calms the fuck down and figures out to behave like decent human beings... but I don't suppose that's gonna happen before I die.
Going back to the happy post, I love my job. I had 2 days in the nursery, to be able to see assessments for healthy, mostly "normal" babies who don't require NICU care directly after delivery. It was a great experience and I actually really like working the nursery, I may end up requesting that I float over to that unit or try to pick up extra shifts there. I love giving babies baths, having all those babies snuggled up, teaching moms to breastfeed, and diapers aren't even a chore because they are so tiny! However, I got to be in the NICU yesterday for a full day and that's still where my heart is. I love teaching babies to eat, getting them all settled and parents knowing that their baby is well-cared for. It's hard seeing parents freaked out, but there are little things to be able to do to comfort them.
I have spent the majority of my life, waiting to get to this job, to this point. I am graduated from nursing school, I'm employed at a wonderful hospital, and I have my dream job. Yes, this may change, but for right now I am excited!
I understand I wrote my other post sounding quite angry about my past and the abuse that occurred along with the lack of legal help that is available. It's utter bullshit. However, I'm angry at the injustices and excited for my new phase of life, all at the same time.
I am cleansed of friends that didn't work at our friendship, while I was expected to bend over backward to help them and make them happy. Sorry, but that's not how friendships are going to work with me.
So, after graduation, I cleared out my snapchat and Facebook friend lists. I have cleansed as much as I can, so that I am not followed by the negativity that surrounded those particular relationships. It was freeing while simultaneously making me very lonely. After some time, I have learned to grow accustomed to the quiet and lack of people surrounding me all the time. I'm growing up, and learning how to fit into the adult world while many of my nursing school friends are still in their college mindset, which just so happened to be their high school mindset carried over into the higher education system.
I'm seriously worried for the well-being of the world because our future is looking bleak with the abysmal characteristics of the next generation coming into adulthood. Oh boy, it's going to be a bumpy ride, at best.
While shitty things are brewing for society, to be released in the near future, I'm gonna go find me a house, on my own private island. Preferably somewhere warm, and I'll have my own private beach. Y'all can come get me if everyone calms the fuck down and figures out to behave like decent human beings... but I don't suppose that's gonna happen before I die.
Going back to the happy post, I love my job. I had 2 days in the nursery, to be able to see assessments for healthy, mostly "normal" babies who don't require NICU care directly after delivery. It was a great experience and I actually really like working the nursery, I may end up requesting that I float over to that unit or try to pick up extra shifts there. I love giving babies baths, having all those babies snuggled up, teaching moms to breastfeed, and diapers aren't even a chore because they are so tiny! However, I got to be in the NICU yesterday for a full day and that's still where my heart is. I love teaching babies to eat, getting them all settled and parents knowing that their baby is well-cared for. It's hard seeing parents freaked out, but there are little things to be able to do to comfort them.
Monday, July 11, 2016
"Just wait 5 more days..."
I called 12-15 times today to talk with BON, but the automated system just says they are experiencing "high call volumes and cannot take my call at this time" after which it hangs up on you.
So, I began emailing everyone I could at said BON. I finally got a call back from a lady there who told me to wait another 5 days because there are so many graduations all at the same time they are swamped.
WHO DO I CALL TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE FRICKIN' BON???
Seriously, this is ridiculous. I've been waiting on them for 2 months. They have lost my paperwork and they are not keeping their promise about finishing each step in 10 business days. Seriously people, you know graduations happen at least 2 times a year... HIRE MORE PEOPLE!!!
Honestly, you know how it gets, so why is now the normal time to be "understaffed" but not do anything about it. Get more people on the phones, get more people processing mail, get more people processing licenses and permits. For goodness sake, double your staff for 2 months around May graduations and another 2 months during December graduation and your life will not suck so bad when said graduation times come around.
For the love of Pete, somebody find the person I'm supposed to complain to so that I can get shit done for the people coming after me because this is COMPLETELY unacceptable.
My "cousin" (mom's cousin's daughter-in-law) had to wait 3 months for my state's regulatory agency to process her radiation tech licensing because they were moving buildings and took their sweet-ass time while also putting everyone else's life on hold who is depending on the agency to process their paperwork in order to start making a living. Seriously, there is no way to be able to prepare for this stuff besides hope that you have enough life savings to deal with the bullshit that is dealing with governmental agencies.
Today I need a Haldol...
So, I began emailing everyone I could at said BON. I finally got a call back from a lady there who told me to wait another 5 days because there are so many graduations all at the same time they are swamped.
WHO DO I CALL TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE FRICKIN' BON???
Seriously, this is ridiculous. I've been waiting on them for 2 months. They have lost my paperwork and they are not keeping their promise about finishing each step in 10 business days. Seriously people, you know graduations happen at least 2 times a year... HIRE MORE PEOPLE!!!
Honestly, you know how it gets, so why is now the normal time to be "understaffed" but not do anything about it. Get more people on the phones, get more people processing mail, get more people processing licenses and permits. For goodness sake, double your staff for 2 months around May graduations and another 2 months during December graduation and your life will not suck so bad when said graduation times come around.
For the love of Pete, somebody find the person I'm supposed to complain to so that I can get shit done for the people coming after me because this is COMPLETELY unacceptable.
My "cousin" (mom's cousin's daughter-in-law) had to wait 3 months for my state's regulatory agency to process her radiation tech licensing because they were moving buildings and took their sweet-ass time while also putting everyone else's life on hold who is depending on the agency to process their paperwork in order to start making a living. Seriously, there is no way to be able to prepare for this stuff besides hope that you have enough life savings to deal with the bullshit that is dealing with governmental agencies.
Today I need a Haldol...
Saturday, July 9, 2016
Oh the beach!
Y'all, I just got back last night from a 2 week vacation and it was amazing! Sorry about the extended radio silence. A week at the beach and a week (split into two little pieces) of visiting with my family that lives in the south. Oh man, they are funny and boy can they cook.
We drove home to Home State and got in at about 0400 time there. I could have been dropped off at my new home, but I wanted to go back to get my dog. So, mom let me come to Home State, pick up the puppy (she's about 9 now) and then mom drove puppy and I back to Small Town yesterday. Actually, I drove but she was there. She just left here for Home State about an hour ago. I miss her terribly already...
Paperwork finally went through and I got to register for my NCLEX! *screams silently in head* I'm terrified. This is scary!!! What if I fail? Then I have to pay to take it again and my nursing permit will be revoked so I will be out of work until I pass it. Oh goodness, how could I handle that? How could I handle another thing wrong, I still feel like I'm on a constant teeter-totter and could fall into a pit that I'll never be able to get out of. I feel like I could drown at any moment and just not take another breath because of sheer exhaustion of surviving. Anyway, since the paperwork is in and I registered for the NCLEX, it'll take up to 10 business days from the day they processed it for me to get my permit so I can start working. Hopefully it happens sooner than that because I'd really like to begin working. Mema says they have babies again which is good for me but scary for the poor parents. It's one of those double-edged swords that makes nursing difficult.
So, it's just me a Puppy figuring out how to live in Small Town and getting our schedules back in order. Praise the L-rd for His timing and His provisions. I'm just barely making it, with loans from my parents and my one credit card nearly maxed out (and hardly any money in the bank). Money is tighter right now than it was when I was in college! Ah well, I'm hoping everything will get settled here shortly.
We drove home to Home State and got in at about 0400 time there. I could have been dropped off at my new home, but I wanted to go back to get my dog. So, mom let me come to Home State, pick up the puppy (she's about 9 now) and then mom drove puppy and I back to Small Town yesterday. Actually, I drove but she was there. She just left here for Home State about an hour ago. I miss her terribly already...
Paperwork finally went through and I got to register for my NCLEX! *screams silently in head* I'm terrified. This is scary!!! What if I fail? Then I have to pay to take it again and my nursing permit will be revoked so I will be out of work until I pass it. Oh goodness, how could I handle that? How could I handle another thing wrong, I still feel like I'm on a constant teeter-totter and could fall into a pit that I'll never be able to get out of. I feel like I could drown at any moment and just not take another breath because of sheer exhaustion of surviving. Anyway, since the paperwork is in and I registered for the NCLEX, it'll take up to 10 business days from the day they processed it for me to get my permit so I can start working. Hopefully it happens sooner than that because I'd really like to begin working. Mema says they have babies again which is good for me but scary for the poor parents. It's one of those double-edged swords that makes nursing difficult.
So, it's just me a Puppy figuring out how to live in Small Town and getting our schedules back in order. Praise the L-rd for His timing and His provisions. I'm just barely making it, with loans from my parents and my one credit card nearly maxed out (and hardly any money in the bank). Money is tighter right now than it was when I was in college! Ah well, I'm hoping everything will get settled here shortly.
Thursday, June 23, 2016
So Beyond Frustrated
In this, the modern day where people can communicate across the world via email in a matter of seconds, New State decided that it still wants to operate in the Stone Ages.
About a month ago, I completed all steps on New State's board of nursing website in order to be able to get my attestation to test (go-ahead to schedule my NCLEX) and the one bit I had to have the school send, I talked to the lady and had her send it.
Fast forward to two weeks ago...
I received my copy of the school's paper (it's a form from the university letting the board of nursing know that I have, in fact, graduated the accredited nursing program) which was sent to me the same time it was sent to the board of nursing. I got it a couple days later and figured the board of nursing probably received it at about that time as well. The website says I have to wait 10 business days for it to be processed.
Fast forward to last friday...
I called the board of nursing and waited on hold for an hour!!! This wait simply allowed me to talk to a girl telling me to wait a couple more days until the 10 days had happened because they "probably received it, but haven't put it in the system yet". Okay, fine.
Fast forward to this Tuesday...
I checked online, as I had for the past two weeks, but still nothing had come through. Okay, maybe day #10 was too soon, I'll wait another day.
Wednesday...
Nothing.
Jump to today (Thursday)...
I called three times and was hung up on by the automated answering service because the call lines were "too busy at this time." What?! That's ridiculous! Why are there not more people employed here? I have to talk to somebody and figure this out. I've got a job that is waiting on me, no money, bills to pay. Now I have credit card debt, and no income because I'm waiting on the damn state to process a piece of paper...
I called a fourth time and it finally went through. Waited 20 minutes on hold while looking on the website for another number, any number, to get me through to a different phone line.
That's when I found it. I found a number to a specific person's phone line and when I called, he picked up right away! After about a 5 minute explanation of my current situation, mentioning the fact I had waited about 15 business days when the website says only 10, and I have a job waiting, the gentleman gave me about 10 excuses. One of them being that the department that processes graduates is currently "understaffed" and only 1-2 people working there on any given day. I remained kind and calm but in my head I was wondering why on earth they don't hire more people for that damn job. I get that 1-2 people are processing ALL of the paperwork for ALL of the applications that come through their state, but they know that graduations happen at least 2 times a year. You guys know this, why are you not banning vacations and hiring more people for these seasons so that the massive influx in paperwork doesn't make you get backed up all damn year? And why, oh why, are we still processing papers instead of emails??? Guys, we can make this easier for everybody if you'd just change things up a little bit and think things through better. Good heavens!
Whatever, he continued on (without me saying a word) and told me that he was sorry for the wait and that he would take my name, number, and a description of the problem down to that department and have them get in touch with me.
An hour later I received a call, from a girl down in the processing department, telling me that she couldn't find the letter/envelope/MY PAPERWORK.
Oh my gosh, I'm gonna lose it. I've been waiting for 3 fucking weeks and somewhere along this medieval process, I'm the one that got lost. Why when I have all my ducks in a row, I bust my butt to have everything on my end complete and I have a job waiting on me, does the process breakdown and cause me a boatload of extra stress that's completely unnecessary. I'm one of 2 people, out of about 60 nursing students who graduated in my class, who has not scheduled or been approved to take the NCLEX. The other girl is waiting, on purpose, because she doesn't have the money at this particular time. The other students don't all have jobs yet, but they've already taken and passed their NCLEX. Why did my form get lost? Why am I having to wait???
And what makes it even better, I emailed the only lady at my school that is able to send of that paper and she is on vacation until the 28th of June (about 4-5 days away). So, it'll take at least a week, probably more because she has a lot of emails backing up while she's gone, before she even gets my email. Then another few days to get the form situated and sent via snail mail. From then it'll take about a week to get to New State's board of nursing where I get to wait another 10+ business days for it to be processed.
At that rate, I'll be jobless for another month. I have no money. My parent's don't have $2000 to lend me for my July bills and I don't know what the hell to do. The board won't accept the copy that came to me from the school because their copy has to come "straight from the school." It can't be faxed or emailed because the board of nursing requires that the form be embossed with the nursing school's stamp in raised stampage form.
I'm so irritated. I don't know what to do or how to fix this because everything is literally out of my control. All I can do is wait on other people who seem to be taking their sweet time. I told the board and the lady at my school that I already have a job and I'm only waiting on them but that doesn't seem to help. Hell, at this rate I will fly back to Home State, pick up the sealed envelope myself, fly back down to New State and hand deliver the damn thing and watch them put it in the system that very moment JUST SO I CAN START WORKING! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!
You may be thinking, "Bedpan Alley, maybe G-d is working this out for a particular reason! Maybe He is working on your patience! Maybe He is trying to get you to trust Him to provide and He does everything in His own time for His glory!!!" Yes, dear reader, I understand all of these things. Someday soon, I pray that I will get to update you all with excellent news saying that everything is situated and I get to start working. For the time being, I'm frustrated and angry that I was the one to fall through the cracks. I'm losing my mind from the stress of not being able to work for 1) I'm so excited to begin my job taking care of babies, 2) to have something to do with my time, 3) socialization, 4) money to pay my bills, and 5) to have something to do with my time!!! I don't handle extended periods of down-time well and I haven't worked since Christmas of 2015. Guys, it's June of 2016, and almost July. That's nearly 7 months without work and at least 2 months without even having school.
Guys, pray with me for a miracle here. I need it.
About a month ago, I completed all steps on New State's board of nursing website in order to be able to get my attestation to test (go-ahead to schedule my NCLEX) and the one bit I had to have the school send, I talked to the lady and had her send it.
Fast forward to two weeks ago...
I received my copy of the school's paper (it's a form from the university letting the board of nursing know that I have, in fact, graduated the accredited nursing program) which was sent to me the same time it was sent to the board of nursing. I got it a couple days later and figured the board of nursing probably received it at about that time as well. The website says I have to wait 10 business days for it to be processed.
Fast forward to last friday...
I called the board of nursing and waited on hold for an hour!!! This wait simply allowed me to talk to a girl telling me to wait a couple more days until the 10 days had happened because they "probably received it, but haven't put it in the system yet". Okay, fine.
Fast forward to this Tuesday...
I checked online, as I had for the past two weeks, but still nothing had come through. Okay, maybe day #10 was too soon, I'll wait another day.
Wednesday...
Nothing.
Jump to today (Thursday)...
I called three times and was hung up on by the automated answering service because the call lines were "too busy at this time." What?! That's ridiculous! Why are there not more people employed here? I have to talk to somebody and figure this out. I've got a job that is waiting on me, no money, bills to pay. Now I have credit card debt, and no income because I'm waiting on the damn state to process a piece of paper...
I called a fourth time and it finally went through. Waited 20 minutes on hold while looking on the website for another number, any number, to get me through to a different phone line.
That's when I found it. I found a number to a specific person's phone line and when I called, he picked up right away! After about a 5 minute explanation of my current situation, mentioning the fact I had waited about 15 business days when the website says only 10, and I have a job waiting, the gentleman gave me about 10 excuses. One of them being that the department that processes graduates is currently "understaffed" and only 1-2 people working there on any given day. I remained kind and calm but in my head I was wondering why on earth they don't hire more people for that damn job. I get that 1-2 people are processing ALL of the paperwork for ALL of the applications that come through their state, but they know that graduations happen at least 2 times a year. You guys know this, why are you not banning vacations and hiring more people for these seasons so that the massive influx in paperwork doesn't make you get backed up all damn year? And why, oh why, are we still processing papers instead of emails??? Guys, we can make this easier for everybody if you'd just change things up a little bit and think things through better. Good heavens!
Whatever, he continued on (without me saying a word) and told me that he was sorry for the wait and that he would take my name, number, and a description of the problem down to that department and have them get in touch with me.
An hour later I received a call, from a girl down in the processing department, telling me that she couldn't find the letter/envelope/MY PAPERWORK.
Oh my gosh, I'm gonna lose it. I've been waiting for 3 fucking weeks and somewhere along this medieval process, I'm the one that got lost. Why when I have all my ducks in a row, I bust my butt to have everything on my end complete and I have a job waiting on me, does the process breakdown and cause me a boatload of extra stress that's completely unnecessary. I'm one of 2 people, out of about 60 nursing students who graduated in my class, who has not scheduled or been approved to take the NCLEX. The other girl is waiting, on purpose, because she doesn't have the money at this particular time. The other students don't all have jobs yet, but they've already taken and passed their NCLEX. Why did my form get lost? Why am I having to wait???
And what makes it even better, I emailed the only lady at my school that is able to send of that paper and she is on vacation until the 28th of June (about 4-5 days away). So, it'll take at least a week, probably more because she has a lot of emails backing up while she's gone, before she even gets my email. Then another few days to get the form situated and sent via snail mail. From then it'll take about a week to get to New State's board of nursing where I get to wait another 10+ business days for it to be processed.
At that rate, I'll be jobless for another month. I have no money. My parent's don't have $2000 to lend me for my July bills and I don't know what the hell to do. The board won't accept the copy that came to me from the school because their copy has to come "straight from the school." It can't be faxed or emailed because the board of nursing requires that the form be embossed with the nursing school's stamp in raised stampage form.
I'm so irritated. I don't know what to do or how to fix this because everything is literally out of my control. All I can do is wait on other people who seem to be taking their sweet time. I told the board and the lady at my school that I already have a job and I'm only waiting on them but that doesn't seem to help. Hell, at this rate I will fly back to Home State, pick up the sealed envelope myself, fly back down to New State and hand deliver the damn thing and watch them put it in the system that very moment JUST SO I CAN START WORKING! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!
You may be thinking, "Bedpan Alley, maybe G-d is working this out for a particular reason! Maybe He is working on your patience! Maybe He is trying to get you to trust Him to provide and He does everything in His own time for His glory!!!" Yes, dear reader, I understand all of these things. Someday soon, I pray that I will get to update you all with excellent news saying that everything is situated and I get to start working. For the time being, I'm frustrated and angry that I was the one to fall through the cracks. I'm losing my mind from the stress of not being able to work for 1) I'm so excited to begin my job taking care of babies, 2) to have something to do with my time, 3) socialization, 4) money to pay my bills, and 5) to have something to do with my time!!! I don't handle extended periods of down-time well and I haven't worked since Christmas of 2015. Guys, it's June of 2016, and almost July. That's nearly 7 months without work and at least 2 months without even having school.
Guys, pray with me for a miracle here. I need it.
Thursday, June 16, 2016
Life As a New Grad Nurse...???
There are seasons in my life where everything seems to be going wrong. When I say "wrong" I mean, life suffocates me and it's all I can do to crawl to the bathroom in the event that I have to pee. I spend days in bed sleeping, don't need to eat, drinking something like water only happens to get down the pills, and I am paralyzed.
There are other seasons, where, for the first time in a very long time, I will have weeks of good days and I may be excited about life for awhile. Times when I see the fruition of the L-rd's work and I suddenly believe that life will work out and cooperate for a bit.
Then, there are days like today... My short bit of life right before and following graduation were wonderful. I was full of hope, some anxiety but it was more nervous excitement than true anxiety, I was able to smile, I felt lighter, I was graduating nursing school! I had a job! I was moving to Small Town and I'm getting away from the town that has produced nothing but pain for me the past year or two. I was leaving the boys that destroyed my sense of self and I would not have to worry about seeing their trucks on the road any longer. I don't have to worry about seeing them at a bar or when I go out to supper with friends. I don't have to be concerned that I'll bump into one of their friends when I go out bowling or to the grocery store. There was a light at the end of my deep, dark, looooooooong tunnel and I was nearing it!
I am nearer to the light, but it's gotten a bit dim today. I haven't started work and I've been down here for nearly two weeks. I've been graduated from nursing school for over a month and still no money coming in. Without work, I haven't been able to meet new people. A highlight in my day involves going to the grocery store across the street because they help every single customer out to their car so I get to talk to the person that helps me out. This is my socialization. I've spent time with my Mema and other family who is down here, but everyone seems to be so busy! They keep asking me how my license is coming and it's irritating to only be able to say that I'm still waiting on the board of nursing for the state. I JUST WANT TO START WORKING!!!
I go on vacation in about a week and a half and really want to work before I go on that vacation.
Through nursing school, everyone tells you how scary it is to wait to take the NCLEX. They tell you how scary it is waiting for the results. They tell you how hard the first year of nursing is, but they explain that it will still be rewarding and exciting.
Nobody tells you about the month or two in between nursing school and the NCLEX/working where life seems to stand still. It's a struggle if you do have a job because you are now college educated, working your college job... Or, you might be like me, who took a semester off of work for various reasons, and now you're waiting on the governmental agency to get their shit together so that you can begin your life!!! I'm going nuts!
Thing is, I've had so many friends text me disappointed about not having a job yet, not being able to work, being scared about how they will pay their bills, worried that they aren't good enough to be a nurse because the local hospitals won't hire them because of the mass influx in new grads, and we're all terrified. Nobody told us about this season of self-doubt, depression, anxiousness, feelings of failure, frustration at the system, and disappointment in ourselves for even feeling these things.
Most of us are having a terribly difficult time. I slept until 12:30 p.m. today and haven't left my bed yet because I have no motivation to do anything. I don't feel needed, I don't have friends to be able to see, I don't have money to be able to go do anything, and I can't see a purpose to get dressed or complete any task. Couple that with my nightmare I had last night (I'll tell you about it in my next post) and the flashbacks that are coming back in full force, I'm struggling. Now, I'm not as bad as I have been. This is the point where I can still turn my depressive episode around. All I have to do is find the energy and desire.
There are other seasons, where, for the first time in a very long time, I will have weeks of good days and I may be excited about life for awhile. Times when I see the fruition of the L-rd's work and I suddenly believe that life will work out and cooperate for a bit.
Then, there are days like today... My short bit of life right before and following graduation were wonderful. I was full of hope, some anxiety but it was more nervous excitement than true anxiety, I was able to smile, I felt lighter, I was graduating nursing school! I had a job! I was moving to Small Town and I'm getting away from the town that has produced nothing but pain for me the past year or two. I was leaving the boys that destroyed my sense of self and I would not have to worry about seeing their trucks on the road any longer. I don't have to worry about seeing them at a bar or when I go out to supper with friends. I don't have to be concerned that I'll bump into one of their friends when I go out bowling or to the grocery store. There was a light at the end of my deep, dark, looooooooong tunnel and I was nearing it!
I am nearer to the light, but it's gotten a bit dim today. I haven't started work and I've been down here for nearly two weeks. I've been graduated from nursing school for over a month and still no money coming in. Without work, I haven't been able to meet new people. A highlight in my day involves going to the grocery store across the street because they help every single customer out to their car so I get to talk to the person that helps me out. This is my socialization. I've spent time with my Mema and other family who is down here, but everyone seems to be so busy! They keep asking me how my license is coming and it's irritating to only be able to say that I'm still waiting on the board of nursing for the state. I JUST WANT TO START WORKING!!!
I go on vacation in about a week and a half and really want to work before I go on that vacation.
Through nursing school, everyone tells you how scary it is to wait to take the NCLEX. They tell you how scary it is waiting for the results. They tell you how hard the first year of nursing is, but they explain that it will still be rewarding and exciting.
Nobody tells you about the month or two in between nursing school and the NCLEX/working where life seems to stand still. It's a struggle if you do have a job because you are now college educated, working your college job... Or, you might be like me, who took a semester off of work for various reasons, and now you're waiting on the governmental agency to get their shit together so that you can begin your life!!! I'm going nuts!
Thing is, I've had so many friends text me disappointed about not having a job yet, not being able to work, being scared about how they will pay their bills, worried that they aren't good enough to be a nurse because the local hospitals won't hire them because of the mass influx in new grads, and we're all terrified. Nobody told us about this season of self-doubt, depression, anxiousness, feelings of failure, frustration at the system, and disappointment in ourselves for even feeling these things.
Most of us are having a terribly difficult time. I slept until 12:30 p.m. today and haven't left my bed yet because I have no motivation to do anything. I don't feel needed, I don't have friends to be able to see, I don't have money to be able to go do anything, and I can't see a purpose to get dressed or complete any task. Couple that with my nightmare I had last night (I'll tell you about it in my next post) and the flashbacks that are coming back in full force, I'm struggling. Now, I'm not as bad as I have been. This is the point where I can still turn my depressive episode around. All I have to do is find the energy and desire.
Monday, June 13, 2016
Giddy Up and GO!
After nearly two months of no wifi at the places I've been staying, I finally got internet in my new house today!!!
My house is coming along, it's just taking forever.
We got in at 2 a.m. Home time and 3 a.m. Small-Town time. Good heavens, that is way too late after I had woken up at 6 a.m. the day we left! That's about 20 hours up and going and an 8 hour trip on the road!
The house G-d gave me is one of the cleanest, best houses we had seen. In fact, it was the cleanest and nicest house we had found. However, in the time between when I first saw the house and I moved in, little cockroaches had come into the house and there were about 8 lying belly up on the floor in various rooms. *shivers*
I had never seen a real-life cockroach before then. Well, now I have! I sprayed most of the house the next day with ant, spider, roach, flea, and tick killer so now my garage looks like a roach battlefield with little dead guys belly up all over the place. Meanwhile, I can't get over that there were roaches in my house. YUCK!!! To combat this, I am disinfecting every shelf, drawer, and counter space. Then, as if that weren't enough, I got some lavender scented moth balls and I'm keeping all food items in plastic tubs and putting linens in tubs too. I just want to keep bugs away from my stuff. Damn bugs, if they pay rent and stay in the shed outback, then okay, I could deal. However, they think they can live rent free in the house and that just plumb isn't going to work.
I'm still waiting to be able to start working. I'm stir crazy waiting to get to working and I really need the money. I think I have enough to tie me over until I can start working in July, but I would really love to start working before I do on vacation in two weeks. Unfortunately, the nursing board government systems take forever because every newly graduated nurse in the country is turning all of their paperwork at the same. damn. time. So frustrating.
So, I get to start writing more and I have internet to keep me busy. It's weird not having homework to procrastinate from. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do anymore... ah well, I'll figure it out. I'm fixin' to go start working anywhere I can get a job just so that some money is coming in and I have something to do.
My house is coming along, it's just taking forever.
We got in at 2 a.m. Home time and 3 a.m. Small-Town time. Good heavens, that is way too late after I had woken up at 6 a.m. the day we left! That's about 20 hours up and going and an 8 hour trip on the road!
The house G-d gave me is one of the cleanest, best houses we had seen. In fact, it was the cleanest and nicest house we had found. However, in the time between when I first saw the house and I moved in, little cockroaches had come into the house and there were about 8 lying belly up on the floor in various rooms. *shivers*
I had never seen a real-life cockroach before then. Well, now I have! I sprayed most of the house the next day with ant, spider, roach, flea, and tick killer so now my garage looks like a roach battlefield with little dead guys belly up all over the place. Meanwhile, I can't get over that there were roaches in my house. YUCK!!! To combat this, I am disinfecting every shelf, drawer, and counter space. Then, as if that weren't enough, I got some lavender scented moth balls and I'm keeping all food items in plastic tubs and putting linens in tubs too. I just want to keep bugs away from my stuff. Damn bugs, if they pay rent and stay in the shed outback, then okay, I could deal. However, they think they can live rent free in the house and that just plumb isn't going to work.
I'm still waiting to be able to start working. I'm stir crazy waiting to get to working and I really need the money. I think I have enough to tie me over until I can start working in July, but I would really love to start working before I do on vacation in two weeks. Unfortunately, the nursing board government systems take forever because every newly graduated nurse in the country is turning all of their paperwork at the same. damn. time. So frustrating.
So, I get to start writing more and I have internet to keep me busy. It's weird not having homework to procrastinate from. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do anymore... ah well, I'll figure it out. I'm fixin' to go start working anywhere I can get a job just so that some money is coming in and I have something to do.
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Thing Are Getting Better!
This last weekend, Mom and I traveled down to Small Town (where I recently got hired) in order to find a house. I was highly encouraged over the past few weeks from looking at Craigslist. On Craigslist, there seemed to be no end to the amount of cute little houses, with backyards, that were available for rent at cheap prices!
I come from a place that has a lot of people migrating here, and house prices are skyrocketing! It's getting so bad that a 1 bedroom apartment needs about 2-10 people living in it, just to make the rent. I'm not even talking about the nice ones! Naturally, this is an exaggeration, but it's also, sadly, not too far from the truth.
So, when online searches produced many, many cute little houses for my dog and I, I was stoked! Pictures were beautiful, they are close to the hospital, and my heart was soaring at the thought of being able to start my life out with a house.
As it turns out, those houses were crap. I don't know when the pictures were taken, but I'd imagine they were taken about 15 years ago when the house used to be in decent condition. By the time I got there, windows were broken, the house smelled like a racoon up and died in the living room, and I was warned several times about mice making their home in my home...
I don't know about you, but these are kind of deal breakers.
So, after 3 days of literally driving up and down every single street... I was about to give up. I tried to stay cheery so that my Mema (who was helping us navigate the town) and my Mom would not know that I was getting irritated and I was passed my wit's end. Mema told me she thought I was taking the news rather well, and that I always seemed to look at the bright side of this situation. Little did she know, I was fixin' to pull out my hair because it was so frustrating!
Regardless, my mom and I decided it would be okay to stay one extra day to keep looking, just in case. At about 6 at night, we ran across this cute little house. It was rough looking on the outside and there was no "for rent" sign out front, just a small add in the local paper. We called the number and asked if he would be willing to meet with us. He told us it would be 30 minutes. Well, we were already about an hour and a half from the time Mema had supper ready, but we had called her earlier to tell her to not wait to eat with us and to warn her we would probably be late. She told us to do what we needed to do and that supper would be there for us when we were ready.
I looked to Mom and told her it would be a half hour as I silently shook my head to see what she wanted to do. She was enthusiastically saying that we needed to at least see the inside of the house, just to be absolutely sure that I didn't want to live there.
We waited the 30 minutes and a gentleman pulled up in a nice SUV with a woman in the passenger seat. He greeted us and opened the door...
Y'all, that house was beautiful! Wood floors, 2 bed/2 bath/2 car garage, BIG backyard (for the dog), a storage shed out back, a family room, a living room, massive closets, and... wait for it... a massive southern country kitchen!!!!! There is a little laundry room, central heat/air (big deal for where I'm headed because it gets hella hot mighty early), and it's in excellent shape. I even have rose bushes out front! This was a silent desire I had, because I love fresh flowers in the house and I want to get into gardening because I keep "craving" to do something with my hands on my "bad" days. Plus, there is a Chick-fil-a that I can see from my backyard!!! All I have to do is open the back door, go through my back gate in my fence that leads to a little alley, and I'm right in the Chick-fil-a parking lot! The fence is an extra high privacy fence so make sure I don't have problems with people peeking in, and the house is in a super quiet, super safe neighborhood close to many of the stores and shops I need. It's also only about 10 minutes from the hospital I'll be working at.
So, we let the guy know that we really liked the house. He gave me an application and told me he would call early the next morning. My mom asked for a $100 rent discount, seeing as this rent is about $200 above what I had originally hoped to spend each month. I told him that I could even sign a 2-year lease agreement if that helped, since I would be signing a 2-year employment agreement with the hospital. *I was offered a 1 or 2 year contract, with differing bonuses. My personally requested sign was that the L-rd would allow me to get a rent discount if I were to sign a 2 year lease.*
He called back next day, just as I was about to call him to let him know my mom and I needed to hit the road so that we could make it back home before my mom's clients came in. He said he would meet us at the house to get the deposit and so we hugged Mema, told her bye, then headed over. While signing, I learned that his business partner used to be a pastor and I believe they both go to church together... So I'm hoping this is a good sign that they'll be good landlords! Please L-rd, let them be good landlords!!!
Anyway, I signed the lease and he gave me the keys!
Y'all, I am so beyond stoked. I will have to work extra days in order to ensure that I can save on top of paying my bills and rent, but I think it will be do-able. I'll just work some extra holidays and make sure to sign up for holidays. The NICU down here has no problem giving over time, because they usually have lots of babies, and then seasons of very few babies. However, being a full-timer, I will have priority in making sure I get my hours in when I am scheduled.
It's one of those times in life where I am overwhelmed with the amount of blessings the L-rd has bestowed upon me in such a short amount of time. I knew He was probably going to wait until the last minute to give me a place that my heart was desiring. He tends to wait until the absolute last minute, while letting me go and see what could be, so that I understand how big of a blessing He is actually giving me. Let me tell you, the stress and frustration was so worth it because He worked it all out absolutely perfectly.
I am blessed. I am humbled. I am completely overwhelmed and shocked at the magnificent gloriousness that G-d works in my life every single day.
I'll keep y'all updated.
I come from a place that has a lot of people migrating here, and house prices are skyrocketing! It's getting so bad that a 1 bedroom apartment needs about 2-10 people living in it, just to make the rent. I'm not even talking about the nice ones! Naturally, this is an exaggeration, but it's also, sadly, not too far from the truth.
So, when online searches produced many, many cute little houses for my dog and I, I was stoked! Pictures were beautiful, they are close to the hospital, and my heart was soaring at the thought of being able to start my life out with a house.
As it turns out, those houses were crap. I don't know when the pictures were taken, but I'd imagine they were taken about 15 years ago when the house used to be in decent condition. By the time I got there, windows were broken, the house smelled like a racoon up and died in the living room, and I was warned several times about mice making their home in my home...
I don't know about you, but these are kind of deal breakers.
So, after 3 days of literally driving up and down every single street... I was about to give up. I tried to stay cheery so that my Mema (who was helping us navigate the town) and my Mom would not know that I was getting irritated and I was passed my wit's end. Mema told me she thought I was taking the news rather well, and that I always seemed to look at the bright side of this situation. Little did she know, I was fixin' to pull out my hair because it was so frustrating!
Regardless, my mom and I decided it would be okay to stay one extra day to keep looking, just in case. At about 6 at night, we ran across this cute little house. It was rough looking on the outside and there was no "for rent" sign out front, just a small add in the local paper. We called the number and asked if he would be willing to meet with us. He told us it would be 30 minutes. Well, we were already about an hour and a half from the time Mema had supper ready, but we had called her earlier to tell her to not wait to eat with us and to warn her we would probably be late. She told us to do what we needed to do and that supper would be there for us when we were ready.
I looked to Mom and told her it would be a half hour as I silently shook my head to see what she wanted to do. She was enthusiastically saying that we needed to at least see the inside of the house, just to be absolutely sure that I didn't want to live there.
We waited the 30 minutes and a gentleman pulled up in a nice SUV with a woman in the passenger seat. He greeted us and opened the door...
Y'all, that house was beautiful! Wood floors, 2 bed/2 bath/2 car garage, BIG backyard (for the dog), a storage shed out back, a family room, a living room, massive closets, and... wait for it... a massive southern country kitchen!!!!! There is a little laundry room, central heat/air (big deal for where I'm headed because it gets hella hot mighty early), and it's in excellent shape. I even have rose bushes out front! This was a silent desire I had, because I love fresh flowers in the house and I want to get into gardening because I keep "craving" to do something with my hands on my "bad" days. Plus, there is a Chick-fil-a that I can see from my backyard!!! All I have to do is open the back door, go through my back gate in my fence that leads to a little alley, and I'm right in the Chick-fil-a parking lot! The fence is an extra high privacy fence so make sure I don't have problems with people peeking in, and the house is in a super quiet, super safe neighborhood close to many of the stores and shops I need. It's also only about 10 minutes from the hospital I'll be working at.
So, we let the guy know that we really liked the house. He gave me an application and told me he would call early the next morning. My mom asked for a $100 rent discount, seeing as this rent is about $200 above what I had originally hoped to spend each month. I told him that I could even sign a 2-year lease agreement if that helped, since I would be signing a 2-year employment agreement with the hospital. *I was offered a 1 or 2 year contract, with differing bonuses. My personally requested sign was that the L-rd would allow me to get a rent discount if I were to sign a 2 year lease.*
He called back next day, just as I was about to call him to let him know my mom and I needed to hit the road so that we could make it back home before my mom's clients came in. He said he would meet us at the house to get the deposit and so we hugged Mema, told her bye, then headed over. While signing, I learned that his business partner used to be a pastor and I believe they both go to church together... So I'm hoping this is a good sign that they'll be good landlords! Please L-rd, let them be good landlords!!!
Anyway, I signed the lease and he gave me the keys!
Y'all, I am so beyond stoked. I will have to work extra days in order to ensure that I can save on top of paying my bills and rent, but I think it will be do-able. I'll just work some extra holidays and make sure to sign up for holidays. The NICU down here has no problem giving over time, because they usually have lots of babies, and then seasons of very few babies. However, being a full-timer, I will have priority in making sure I get my hours in when I am scheduled.
It's one of those times in life where I am overwhelmed with the amount of blessings the L-rd has bestowed upon me in such a short amount of time. I knew He was probably going to wait until the last minute to give me a place that my heart was desiring. He tends to wait until the absolute last minute, while letting me go and see what could be, so that I understand how big of a blessing He is actually giving me. Let me tell you, the stress and frustration was so worth it because He worked it all out absolutely perfectly.
I am blessed. I am humbled. I am completely overwhelmed and shocked at the magnificent gloriousness that G-d works in my life every single day.
I'll keep y'all updated.
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Graduation Came and Went, but It Turned Out Happy!
My last post was about how I was all sad at school ending. I had just finished my last final and instead of relief or happiness, I was feeling sad. Well, it's okay. Despite how difficult, frustrating, and down-right draining nursing school was, it was kind of my identity and a time of stressful excitement in my life for the past 3-4 years! The end of that is relieving, in some ways, but I've learned it's okay to be mildly sad at the ending because it's the end of a major life era.
Through nursing school/college I've:
I have talked with several of my friends, both nursing and non-nursing, that graduated with me on Friday, and they are having similar mixed feelings about graduation. Many of us are waking up in a panic because we feel we need to be in class, thought we are done now. Others are sad school is over because some of us are moving to other states and we may never see each other again, let alone every day!
Graduation is a happy time, but it's okay to be overwhelmed, sad, anxious, nervous, and a host of other emotions. Being able to feel all of these is part of what makes us human and helps us concrete these huge monuments in our memory bank.
I'll tell you a bit about how my graduation weekend went, though, just in case you were wondering...
Thursday: Pinning went well. My Mom pinned me, but Mema and Brother were able to go up on stage with me. It was a great ceremony and the Nurse's Pledge really got to me. As I was reading it with my classmates, and my family and friends listened to me promise my life for the career of a nurse, I was able to reflect and realize that nursing is my calling. The pledge sounded like it was written for me!
Friday: Graduation was wonderful! My mom's sister and her husband drove down with us. Then Brother and Dad met us at the event center. Everyone loved my cap, except my peds professor (who I've had serious problems with all semester and who mocked it in front of the other professors to my face!). I put RN but instead of "Registered Nurse" I wrote out "Redneck Nurse" and put it on camo back ground. I'm known as the class redneck and so many of my classmates and friends loved it! What's even better is that when my peds professor was mocking my cap, the other professors chimed in and told me how cute it was and how creative I was to come up with that. So, it made me feel a bit better. I got lots of pictures and had a grand ol' time during graduation. The nursing class was in the back of the graduate seating, and many of us were talking and laughing the whole time because getting through 1000+ students all graduating takes a long time! Many nursing students wore their stethoscopes as cords and I even graduated Cum Laude! I was so close to the next highest gpa, but graduating with honors at all was an accomplishment that I am very proud of.
Saturday: This was the day of my party. Many people RSVP'd, so I got food for about 50-60 people and rented a park. Unfortunately, only 3 of my friends, one of my uncles and his family came, and then two sets of family friends came. Well, my Mom, Dad, and Brother came too. It was cold and rainy, so my dad was surprised that anyone came at all, but the people that did come went out of their way to make sure that someone came to celebrate with me, so I was glad for that. I think I should have planned it for a different weekend, because so many people were having parties that day. However, it was disappointing, yet a good time to practice "spinning" the situation to find the silver lining. The spin is: the people that came are all so very dear to my heart, I was glad to be able to spend lots of time with each of them individually instead of being overwhelmed by the amount of people who showed up.
So, it was a good weekend. My favorite day was graduation. I got so many photos with friends. I shared a lot of smiles and hugs. The whole day fell into place and G-d worked out the whole weekend just the way it was supposed to be. I'm so very glad for that.
Ladies and gents, I would like to present to you... ME! I graduated counseling, nursing school, and I am beginning my adult life with a job right out of college. Life will not be easy by any means, though many days I wish it were. However, I know that sometimes the L-rd blesses others through the struggles I have and the L-rd blesses me through different events, both seemingly good and bad events. Life is a journey. It's hard, fund, and every changing. All we can do is hold on for the ride and pray that someday, our life makes a difference and we learn the lessons we are supposed to learn while here on this earth.
I'm approaching this next phase in my life with cautious optimism. I'm terrified, but I see the L-rd working every day. Most days are still a struggle, but I'm not bed-bound anymore. Even today, when it's cold and cloudy and I have nothing I really need to do, I pulled myself out of bed and got my butt to Starbucks. I'm making baby steps in my healing journey and graduating counseling is proving to be a struggle. However, I know that I can go back to counseling at any time, but it is meant to be a temporary crutch as opposed to a new life-long sentence/expense.
I graduated!
Now I'm: BedpanAlley, BSN!
I have to catch myself, I keep calling myself a nursing student instead of a newly graduated baby-nurse... I'll fix that in time. Maybe someday I'll begin to feel like a nurse, but the learning will never end. Good thing I love to learn, right?
Through nursing school/college I've:
- had countless highs and lows
- gained and lost friends
- was encouraged in my calling
- was told I would never get into the program, and then did get in!
- I went through many traumatic events, all in a 2 year time-span
- learned new things about myself
- lost pieces of what I htought was important about me, but gained new insights and strengths
- learned the basics of how to "be a nurse", according to textbooks
- had countless instructors, patients, friends, and family tell me that I was made to be a nurse
- I've cried and laughed with patients
- cuddled babies
- held the hands of people in the dying process
- celebrated "little" things with patients and families of patients
- been able to care for those who nobody else would touch
- and so much more
I have talked with several of my friends, both nursing and non-nursing, that graduated with me on Friday, and they are having similar mixed feelings about graduation. Many of us are waking up in a panic because we feel we need to be in class, thought we are done now. Others are sad school is over because some of us are moving to other states and we may never see each other again, let alone every day!
Graduation is a happy time, but it's okay to be overwhelmed, sad, anxious, nervous, and a host of other emotions. Being able to feel all of these is part of what makes us human and helps us concrete these huge monuments in our memory bank.
I'll tell you a bit about how my graduation weekend went, though, just in case you were wondering...
Thursday: Pinning went well. My Mom pinned me, but Mema and Brother were able to go up on stage with me. It was a great ceremony and the Nurse's Pledge really got to me. As I was reading it with my classmates, and my family and friends listened to me promise my life for the career of a nurse, I was able to reflect and realize that nursing is my calling. The pledge sounded like it was written for me!
Friday: Graduation was wonderful! My mom's sister and her husband drove down with us. Then Brother and Dad met us at the event center. Everyone loved my cap, except my peds professor (who I've had serious problems with all semester and who mocked it in front of the other professors to my face!). I put RN but instead of "Registered Nurse" I wrote out "Redneck Nurse" and put it on camo back ground. I'm known as the class redneck and so many of my classmates and friends loved it! What's even better is that when my peds professor was mocking my cap, the other professors chimed in and told me how cute it was and how creative I was to come up with that. So, it made me feel a bit better. I got lots of pictures and had a grand ol' time during graduation. The nursing class was in the back of the graduate seating, and many of us were talking and laughing the whole time because getting through 1000+ students all graduating takes a long time! Many nursing students wore their stethoscopes as cords and I even graduated Cum Laude! I was so close to the next highest gpa, but graduating with honors at all was an accomplishment that I am very proud of.
Saturday: This was the day of my party. Many people RSVP'd, so I got food for about 50-60 people and rented a park. Unfortunately, only 3 of my friends, one of my uncles and his family came, and then two sets of family friends came. Well, my Mom, Dad, and Brother came too. It was cold and rainy, so my dad was surprised that anyone came at all, but the people that did come went out of their way to make sure that someone came to celebrate with me, so I was glad for that. I think I should have planned it for a different weekend, because so many people were having parties that day. However, it was disappointing, yet a good time to practice "spinning" the situation to find the silver lining. The spin is: the people that came are all so very dear to my heart, I was glad to be able to spend lots of time with each of them individually instead of being overwhelmed by the amount of people who showed up.
So, it was a good weekend. My favorite day was graduation. I got so many photos with friends. I shared a lot of smiles and hugs. The whole day fell into place and G-d worked out the whole weekend just the way it was supposed to be. I'm so very glad for that.
Ladies and gents, I would like to present to you... ME! I graduated counseling, nursing school, and I am beginning my adult life with a job right out of college. Life will not be easy by any means, though many days I wish it were. However, I know that sometimes the L-rd blesses others through the struggles I have and the L-rd blesses me through different events, both seemingly good and bad events. Life is a journey. It's hard, fund, and every changing. All we can do is hold on for the ride and pray that someday, our life makes a difference and we learn the lessons we are supposed to learn while here on this earth.
I'm approaching this next phase in my life with cautious optimism. I'm terrified, but I see the L-rd working every day. Most days are still a struggle, but I'm not bed-bound anymore. Even today, when it's cold and cloudy and I have nothing I really need to do, I pulled myself out of bed and got my butt to Starbucks. I'm making baby steps in my healing journey and graduating counseling is proving to be a struggle. However, I know that I can go back to counseling at any time, but it is meant to be a temporary crutch as opposed to a new life-long sentence/expense.
I graduated!
Now I'm: BedpanAlley, BSN!
I have to catch myself, I keep calling myself a nursing student instead of a newly graduated baby-nurse... I'll fix that in time. Maybe someday I'll begin to feel like a nurse, but the learning will never end. Good thing I love to learn, right?
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
I thought it would be different...
Well guys, I just finished my last final of nursing school. You wanna know something? I passed! That means I graduate on Friday and I have the opportunity to sit for the NCLEX to see if I get to be a registered nurse or not.
I thought it would be different. I thought I would be so excited, celebrating with my many friends, and I figured I would have a better plan. I thought this was supposed to be a happy affair.
Right now, I'm sitting in a coffee shop frustrated with my lack of support, my family split, my dreams of a family crushed, regret over my past (guys and friends) encompassing me, stress over legal matters drowning me, and I'm living in an RV with my mom because my roomie "kicked" me out a week and a half early. I'm overwhelmed at the amount of seemingly bad circumstances I have been faced with, still knowing that other people face worse lives than mine.
I "graduated" counseling yesterday. We call it that because I used to tell my counselor that I was graduating a bunch of things all at the same time so we might as well call it graduating from counseling too. She approved and thought it was cute. Well, I fell like after yesterday, I hit new rough waters and now I need her back. Finishing counseling is supposed to be a good thing, but now it left me feeling like I'm not actually ready to face life on my own again just yet. I guess I'll try it for a couple weeks/months and then decide if I need to find another counselor once I move.
Graduation is supposed to be a happy time, but you know what? It's okay if it's a little sad or frustrating for you. It's sad and frustrating for me too.
I thought it would be different. I thought I would be so excited, celebrating with my many friends, and I figured I would have a better plan. I thought this was supposed to be a happy affair.
Right now, I'm sitting in a coffee shop frustrated with my lack of support, my family split, my dreams of a family crushed, regret over my past (guys and friends) encompassing me, stress over legal matters drowning me, and I'm living in an RV with my mom because my roomie "kicked" me out a week and a half early. I'm overwhelmed at the amount of seemingly bad circumstances I have been faced with, still knowing that other people face worse lives than mine.
I "graduated" counseling yesterday. We call it that because I used to tell my counselor that I was graduating a bunch of things all at the same time so we might as well call it graduating from counseling too. She approved and thought it was cute. Well, I fell like after yesterday, I hit new rough waters and now I need her back. Finishing counseling is supposed to be a good thing, but now it left me feeling like I'm not actually ready to face life on my own again just yet. I guess I'll try it for a couple weeks/months and then decide if I need to find another counselor once I move.
Graduation is supposed to be a happy time, but you know what? It's okay if it's a little sad or frustrating for you. It's sad and frustrating for me too.
Monday, May 2, 2016
Decisions for My Future
Today I got a call from Big Time Hospital that I have been wanting for months. Unfortunately, I already took a job at Small Town Hospital due to family connections... the HR lady sounded really disappointed. I'm really disappointed.
The pros and cons keep going on and on in my head. The little hospital will provide me with an in already, I have friends and will make many others, I have family in the nearby vicinity, and housing costs vs. pay ratio is in my favor. However, the cons to little town hospital are that the new grad program is not as in depth, our sickest babies get shipped to big town hospital, and family is in the nearby vicinity.
Yes, I know family is in the pros and cons list. The side of the family in this particular state is full of undiagnosed bipolar (type 2) people, who are being treated for depression. This means that they go manic when they are on a new med and then they stop taking said med once they feel like they are on top of the world. Good heavens, family functions are quite the event to be at and witness various people in their varying degrees of bipolar fluctuations!
Anywho, the pros for Big Time Hospital include: better pay, intensive new grad program, higher acuity NICU, bigger town, more attractions in the city, prettier part of the state, closer to the beach, being a part of a major health care system, being farther away from family than a 20 minutes commute (or seeing them at small town hospital for work every day...). Cons include: higher cost of living, bigger town = too many people, these hospitals are in the major city (no country living for me), I have no aquaintances, I don't even have the job yet the call was just to schedule an interview, and I have no family around that would be closer than a 4-6 hour drive.
Now, I talked to the lady and she said I could potentially always just apply there after I have a few years under my belt. I think that will help me secure the basics before learning the more in depth ICU care like long-term vents, and various higher tech stuff. I miss out on the new grad education, but I learn better hands-on anyway. Plus, with my immediate family having fallen apart this weekend (I'll update you in a later post), I think it would be good to have some kind of support to go and talk to. Best part about it, my Mema is part of the care team for the babies so I don't even have to worry about breaking HIPAA rules as long as it is out of the vicinity of others hearing. I can tell her everything and she gets it because she'll be right there next to me. I also have my great-aunt who is the DON (director of nursing) for the floor and I'm going to talk to her about getting some time in Labor and Delivery and cross-training there.
You know, the more I talk this out with you, the better I'm coming to realize that Small Town Hospital is closer to where I need to be. People have a small-town attitude there, and not the hoity-toity nonsense that comes with Big Town. I can go to Big Town to visit, but don't have to stay there. Then, if I decide to be a travel nurse, I could always do an assignment there just to see how it is and then I'll be getting paid more too!
Thanks pal, you helped me turn my minor disappointment into a silver lining. Plus, it's great to know that Big Town Hospital thought highly enough of me to even give me a call for an interview. That means that I didn't get this job just because of family connections. Instead, I got it based on the fact that they actually think I can do it.
Thank you L-rd!
The pros and cons keep going on and on in my head. The little hospital will provide me with an in already, I have friends and will make many others, I have family in the nearby vicinity, and housing costs vs. pay ratio is in my favor. However, the cons to little town hospital are that the new grad program is not as in depth, our sickest babies get shipped to big town hospital, and family is in the nearby vicinity.
Yes, I know family is in the pros and cons list. The side of the family in this particular state is full of undiagnosed bipolar (type 2) people, who are being treated for depression. This means that they go manic when they are on a new med and then they stop taking said med once they feel like they are on top of the world. Good heavens, family functions are quite the event to be at and witness various people in their varying degrees of bipolar fluctuations!
Anywho, the pros for Big Time Hospital include: better pay, intensive new grad program, higher acuity NICU, bigger town, more attractions in the city, prettier part of the state, closer to the beach, being a part of a major health care system, being farther away from family than a 20 minutes commute (or seeing them at small town hospital for work every day...). Cons include: higher cost of living, bigger town = too many people, these hospitals are in the major city (no country living for me), I have no aquaintances, I don't even have the job yet the call was just to schedule an interview, and I have no family around that would be closer than a 4-6 hour drive.
Now, I talked to the lady and she said I could potentially always just apply there after I have a few years under my belt. I think that will help me secure the basics before learning the more in depth ICU care like long-term vents, and various higher tech stuff. I miss out on the new grad education, but I learn better hands-on anyway. Plus, with my immediate family having fallen apart this weekend (I'll update you in a later post), I think it would be good to have some kind of support to go and talk to. Best part about it, my Mema is part of the care team for the babies so I don't even have to worry about breaking HIPAA rules as long as it is out of the vicinity of others hearing. I can tell her everything and she gets it because she'll be right there next to me. I also have my great-aunt who is the DON (director of nursing) for the floor and I'm going to talk to her about getting some time in Labor and Delivery and cross-training there.
You know, the more I talk this out with you, the better I'm coming to realize that Small Town Hospital is closer to where I need to be. People have a small-town attitude there, and not the hoity-toity nonsense that comes with Big Town. I can go to Big Town to visit, but don't have to stay there. Then, if I decide to be a travel nurse, I could always do an assignment there just to see how it is and then I'll be getting paid more too!
Thanks pal, you helped me turn my minor disappointment into a silver lining. Plus, it's great to know that Big Town Hospital thought highly enough of me to even give me a call for an interview. That means that I didn't get this job just because of family connections. Instead, I got it based on the fact that they actually think I can do it.
Thank you L-rd!
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