Personal News

Just a warning: This post will likely sound ridiculous to all that read it, including myself, because I continue to waffle about everything in life. This is a post venting my frustration and stupid desires that seem to be surfacing currently in my life. Do not read any farther if you cannot tolerate random girl thought processes.





I have been having a tough time with boys lately. I finally see them as cute/attractive/etc and now I am stuck in a completely female school (well, we have 1 guy in the program, but he's married and not my type.) Whoa, guys, I have a "type," that's new. The waffeling comes in because I want a boyfriend, but I know that it would not be a sound decision to get one right now because I have to focus on school and I'm not ready to get married. Plus, in order to get a boyfriend, you have to have a guy interested in you... Currently, I have no potential suitors interested in me so it's not even a possibility anyway. This bugs me though because I want something that I don't understand. I know I have had this rant a million times in the few months I have had this blog, but I still don't understand the "why" behind marriage. Since I don't why marriage is even a thing, there seems to be no purpose behind dating because you date to get married. If there is no point to marriage then there is no point in dating. Okay, basics are covered. I mainly go over these points because I just need to talk the whole thing out from the very beginning and the basics. My sudden desire to be dating may be caused by the fact that I've started listening to country music even though I know I shouldn't. I do because my brother plays it in his car and we carpool, but I ignore the impulse to change it because I like it. It's like when you know you shouldn't do something, but you figure it's okay if someone else is doing it and you're just present. Actually, that's exactly what this is. I have also started going to church.

The back story behind my want of a boyfriend and how it is associated with church takes us back a few years ago. My mom was talking to my brother and I about crushes/dating/marriage/etc. She predicted that I would likely meet my husband at church (or congregation) because G-d is so important to me. She predicted where she thought my brother would meet his wife, but I forget. Anywho, I quickly dismissed the idea, even though I had a crush on the pastor's son at the time, and we changed the subject. Years later, that thought suddenly pops into my head again when a boy from congregation started being sweet to me. Now, I can't go to a church without hoping that maybe, someday, I will get a boyfriend/husband from church. Ugh! This is so annoying to not be able to focus at church because I have a thought planted in my head.

What is the point of marriage? From the few verses that I have kinda remembered about marriage, it was created to prevent us from sinning. It brings about children, partnership, stability, strength, community, loyalty, trust, and glory for G-d.  But what is the purpose? What was it really created for? What is the point?

Marriage is not something that comes with us into life after death. It was meant for earth and that is it. We came into this world naked and alone. We will leave this earth naked and alone. Even when a spouse is found, that bond is not permanent. In fact, legally, marriage is kinda easy to dissolve or break. Marriage of the heart that occurs from the vulnerabilities it takes to be married in the first place is a totally different story. I don't think anyone ever fully gets over true marriage of the heart once the legality of marriage is no more. Knowing me, I have to explain that with hormones associated with bonding, sex, etc. Other people might argue that it's just getting used to having someone there for you and then they leave. I think it's both but I always lean highly towards the physical things that are more able to be proven with tests and "factual" explanations instead of feelings and such.

Marriage to bring about children makes sense to a point. G-d says that sex outside of marriage is not so good. Again, I believe that is because He understood the hormones that He put in all of us and He wants to protect us from unnecessary pain and heartache. However, there is not a switch in people that flips to allow them to have children once they are married. By this I mean that ladies can become pregnant outside of marriage and guys can sire offspring outside of wedlock. So, to have children inside of the covenant of marriage just provides more stability for them and probably a few other perks.

Many people describe marriage as a life-time, permanent friendship. This certainly makes sense and allows for companionship, partnership, strength, community, trust, and loyalty. But, you can have all of these things with friends that you do not exclusively tie yourself to for a long-term stretch of time. You can have a best friend that you meet when you are 4 who stays with you until you last day at the ripe age of 119. Did you need to be married if that friendship was true, strong, and stable? Absolutely not. Why? Simply because you guys worked to make sure that you both stayed by each other's side.

G-d describes His love for His like a bride-groom loves his bride. Glory be to G-d because He forgives us, His people, and is continually trying to show us His love. If we did not have the example of marriage in this life, would we understand His analogy? Probably not. Still, that does not answer the question of the purpose of marriage.





So, what is the point of getting hitched? Why do people tie the knot? What is the purpose of matrimony?




I seemed to get so off topic but maybe if I could understand the meaning behind the desire to have a boyfriend and get married I could prevent the wedding cycle. Maybe I would be able to focus on G-d, school, and life as a single baby adult. Perhaps I would be able to find joy in just being in the here and now instead of wanting some silly thing that may or may not happen. That way, I would not be let down when it isn't as great as I was thinking it should be.

I really need to get out of my head. All I do in there is question the meaning of everything. Have I found answers for my questions of everything? Not really. Unfortunately, not understanding things really bugs me but there is no real way to have answers to the questions I ask.