Since starting nursing school I have gained approximately 5 lbs according to the scale yesterday when I went to donate platelets. That is really unfortunate, completely my fault, and it made me even more depressed than I already was. So, what do I do today? I ate 2 whole bagels with cream cheese and I am in the process of baking cookies. Don't worry, I already had my share of the dough, but now I'm still depressed and I'm pretty sure I'm still gaining weight even as I type this...
Today I was talking (well, I was standing there, I don't really talk) with some of the girls from the program who had been talking with their friends that are a year or two ahead of us in the program. Apparently, the first year of nursing school is the hardest. I don't know if that is supposed to give me hope, reassure me, or scare me. It mostly scares me right now, but I also hope that I can get through this semester because maybe next semester will get a little better. I doubt it though.
It scares me going back down this road because my depression is starting to flare up again. I thought about taking St. John's Wort, but I don't want to take it if it won't really help me or if it will make me "addicted" so that when I stop taking it my depression comes back even worse. Have any of you tried taking it? Does it work? Any strange side effects? I know I can research all of this online, but I don't know that I trust that. I could also go talk to a doctor, but I definitely don't want a legit prescription medication because those really will screw with my head and they are usually more expensive.
I know that depression is not from G-d and it is just me taking to heart what the Adversary is trying to whisper to me, but it's getting too much to shut it out. The past few weeks I have been so down, feeling like I can't make it through school, feeling ugly and my face is breaking out, and now gaining weight on top of that. The weight thing can be fixed with exercise and eating better (even though I already don't eat a whole lot of junk food and my portions are consistent with what is recommended on packages and through my nutrition class). I know the title is a little misleading, but I don't normally eat lots of junk food. The school thing can be solved by studying more over time, and by doing projects a few weeks in advance instead of a week or a day before they are due. I don't know how to change my feelings about my appearance. I know G-d made me, but I've ruin what He made and my face is breaking out really bad. In fact, it's never been this bad all through my teens. I'm 19 now and look like I'm just going through puberty though because those stupid little red bumps are all over my shoulders, back, and face. I don't even want to go out of the house anymore...
I heard a quote today from one of my new friends, "Life sucks and then you die." I don't think it should be this way, but right now it certainly feels like it's true. This isn't what life is supposed to be though! Our lives are for the Creator, not for ourselves. Why does it feel like such a struggle to stay afloat here on Earth?
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