Bain of My Existence

I know it's stupid, but I despise weddings. Always have. I'll attend all of the funerals I'm invited to, or hear about, but weddings get automatic excuses and declines from me. I hate weddings.

With that said, Beauty from nursing school got engaged right before our pinning ceremony. It took them a long time, but her wedding was finally planned for the end of October (2017) and I just so happened to get invited... I straight up told her I probably wouldn't go. I have told her that since I've known her, so it's not like it was even a surprise. Still, she kept begging me to go.

I still regret going.

All through the ceremony I was holding back tears. The tears weren't because the wedding was beautiful, or because the bride and a billion other people were crying, or because of allergies. I was holding back tears thinking of my certainty that a wedding will not happen for me.

There is such a certainty and gravity to this understanding in my heart, I've had it since I was a little girl. I did not go to the father daughter dances. My dad and I spent time at his shop, where I kept busy with "girlier" things and dad taught Brother how to fix cars/trucks/everything under the sun.

Dad has social anxiety and probably a few other hinderances, which I don't blame him for, but they lead to an "un-normal" life for me. While my dad has always lived with my family, there is not much participation on his part. He didn't go to church, except maybe 3-5 times my whole childhood. We never expected to go to a restaurant for birthdays or special occasions because they made dad nervous and so the whole family would be stressed and not have fun. We stopped asking for participation from him, and didn't invite people over to the house, because we didn't want to make him uncomfortable.

So, from the time I was very young, maybe kindergarden or earlier, I've known that we just don't ask dad to do things that involve lots of people. Understanding that weddings involve lots of spotlight, lots of people, and a father-daughter dance, obviously this is not something that sounds plausible in my future...

As I sat in my counselor's office, sobbing uncontrollably (for other reasons that I'll explain later), I explained why I don't believe I will/can get married. I've blamed it on being undesirable, blemished from trauma, making new mistakes (again, I'll get to this), and a myriad of other reasons I've collected over the years. And I explained the wedding thing. I sat there and told her between, "I know it's stupid, and it's probably just jealousy, but I hate weddings."

I didn't look up, but I could feel the gentleness in her voice. "I don't hear jealousy in any of this. What I hear is a lot of hurt."

Now, this whole conversation started because she asked how the wedding went. This explaination of me keeping my eyes from leaking during the service previewed the terrible news that Best Friend and I went too far that night after the reception.

He and his roommate were invited because Beauty was Best Friend's neighbor in the dorms freshman year of college, and he's actually how I ended up meeting Beauty. We've all stayed in touch over the years, and Beauty just wants to have fun, so she invited tons of people to the wedding reception.

Now, I did drink that night, but not enough to black out. I was with it and remained free from stumbles or being too drunk. I couldn't have driven home, but if I had been given water and an hour, I could have driven home no problem.

"Why, then, did I wake up and not be able to remember anything?" I asked my counselor, in much different words.

After rehashing some of the events, I realized that Best Friend had started kissing me once I was back to his house after the reception. Many problems with that statement... 1) his roommate was supposed to drop me off at my house, but Best Friend had talked him into taking me back to their place because BF wanted to see if I would kiss him (after me telling him no ALL FUCKING NIGHT.) 2) I was not privy to this decision and never consulted to see what I wanted to do.

So, back at BF's house, I laid on the couch, nearly falling asleep. At some point, he came over and started to kiss me. About 2-3 weeks ago, I put an end to us kissing. I told him I was not ready for a relationship and that I needed us to go back to just being friends. Obviously that worked really fucking well because he definitely got the message loud and clear after me telling him this about 29474957 over the course of our "friendship". (That was all solid sarcasm.) I shouldn't have had to tell him that many times and he never should have tried to kiss me after me telling him no so many times in one night and over the past several weeks/years. Maybe I need to work on being meaner.

So, we ended up kissing, and he picked me up from the couch and carried me to his bed. Now, he had done this before, I told him a few times that I don't lay in boy's beds and he knows my stories of abuse. He told me he understands, and yet it happened a couple times. Chalk it up to me being naive and believing people when I shouldn't. Man, I'm an idiot.

He kissed down my stomach, which he's done before because he thinks it's funny when I push his face away and yell at him for doing that. Except, this time he was drunk and ended up touching me where he shouldn't. It was at this point, the the rest of my memories are non-existent or 1-2 seconds long. I remember hyperventilating, shoving his hand away, and crying for about 20-30 minutes. He freaked out and went to the far edge of his bed as I laid in the fetal position sobbing. He asked what he could do and what happened and I couldn't talk. I just turned away and cried. He tried to hug me and I pushed away. Finally, after 20-30 minutes, I settled enough for him to ask me what I wanted to do. I told him I wanted to go watch t.v. and sleep. We went back out to the couch and I laid down under the blanket. I don't remember much more of the night.

I do know, however, that in the morning, I knew that we had slept together. I don't know how it started, I don't think that he raped me, but my counselor says that I dissociated because of the first incident of him touching me. This whole story came out in the first 7 minutes of me sitting down in her office and she uncovered the story via questions answered by my 1-2 syllable answers or shaking/nodding my head. I have so much shame, and disgust, and despair over this stupid night.
She tells me it's not my fault because my body was just protecting me the only way it has learned how to over the course of my abuse.

Still, I can't help but wonder how I will ever explain this act of indiscretion to someone, if a guy ever decided that he wanted to date me seriously.  I had just gotten to the point where I could think about dating after 2 years of being free from exboyfriend and exfiance. After this, where it was kind of my choice, I don't know how I will recover and survive, let alone try to date and explain this to someone.

My counselor had me think about what I would tell someone else, if I were in the outside shoes and my friend were telling me their life story that was like mine. Of course I would tell that person that it wasn't their fault, that BF had taken them (me) to the police station to report the other 2 dip-shits and he should have known after the way I freaked out that I needed to not be touched. Still, I don't understand how this all happened.

I praise the L-rd for my counselor, because she spoke such healing and comfort into my life. But I still struggle with the knowledge and memories I have.

This wasn't supposed to be my life!

My counselor says that G-d was still with me through it all. But why couldn't He keep me with it enough to be able to stop it so that I didn't sin? Why wouldn't he prevent the whole mess from coming up? Why would He not just let me get dropped off at my house like I was supposed to so that I could go to sleep? Why was it that I have to be allowed to be in a position to have 1 case of trauma, let alone the whole shit-show that was my life in 2015? Then, on top of all of that, He allows this to happen because my brain automatically dissociated?!? Where was He in all of that mess? Was he standing there watching? Was He sad? Why didn't He step in? Why did He let me go through this? Why is this supposed to be stuff that I  have to struggle through? What did I do but try to follow His Word and be kind and gracious? I know I make mistakes, but why this?

I keep thinking that I'll wake up and realize the past few years, and all of these mistakes and memories are just a bad nightmare. But I keep waking up and I'm forced to survive another painful day. As soon as life starts to get tolerable again, another traumatic thing happens and I have to figure out how to try to survive past that. It's not fair. Not even a little fair.

I don't understand how some people go their whole lives and never experience trauma, and some people have shit dumped on them their whole lives. I don't understand it at all!!! How do I get off this shit-list?

Yesterday, I had another talk with Best Friend. Instead of gently suggesting that we take time so that I can have some space. I flat out told him that I need to not talk to him for weeks. He kept sending me relationship snapchats this past week, after that night. Even after a 3 hour drive where I spilled my heart out to him about how badly it hurt me and how much I hated that we slept together. He has apologized profusely for the night, but he hasn't gotten the gravity of the situation because sex is a big deal to him, but it's not a part of his faith and not a part of any abuse that he has sustained. People just don't get it. Sex is not fun for me. It's been nothing but trauma. There is a very real chance that it will never be a healthy part of my life because of the continued abuse that I have sustained. For him, it was something "special" to share with someone he "liked" or maybe thinks he "loved". For me, it was a huge set-back in my 2 year recovery and now another shameful part of my past I will have to explain.

I told BF that him sending the relationship crap "hurt my heart" and that I didn't want to see it. I told him that about 17 times. He would apologize, but continue to send another "cute" one that he found later. He just doesn't get it. If he got it, then we wouldn't be in this fucking situation to begin with because he would have fucking stopped when I freaked out and I probably wouldn't have freaked out because he wouldn't have touched me that way in the first damn place!

I wasn't angry at him until yesterday and today. At counseling, my counselor told me it was okay for me to be angry with him. At that point, I was still fully angry at only myself. Now I'm just pissed.

I was so pissed on Friday (Thursday was counseling), that I finally scheduled my appointment to go see the nurse practitioner. I'm scared that the tests will find something. I'm terrified. However, I'm so sick of being scared and not knowing. So, I'm having the results sealed in an envelope, and my counselor agreed that I could read them at my appointment with her.

Guys, please pray that my body if free of disease from the first 2 assholes, and also from Best Friend. I hate that I have to worry about this. I hate that I had to take yet another Plan B pill. I hate my life and the fact that I keep having to fucking survive another day, every day.

I'm so over it all. I just want to be done.

Wedding of a Friend

A friend of mine got married today to a really sweet girl. He is from my Messianic Congregation and I don't know how he met her, but she's been attending the congregation for awhile now too.

I truly hope they have a great life and I pray that their marriage is blessed.

With all the well wishes, I can't help but grieve the dreams of mine that were dashed. Little did I know my life would change so drastically in a year. It was New Year's Day at about 0100 in the morning that I met exboyfriend. I didn't know he would take my first kiss. I didn't know that my world would be shattered. I didn't know that my dreams of any type of a Happily Ever After would go up in flames just a few short months later.

I truly do try to be happy for my friends who get to live in their happy little fairy tales while I am getting beat to death by the reality of the turn my life took because a guy that I was introduced to along the way refused to keep his hands and other appendages to himself. I thought it was bad watching friends get married when I was single. This is so much worse.

I don't believe in fairy tale endings. I am a very grounded person and I have no illusions that married life will be unicorns and rainbows like many of my friends tend to believe. So, why then was this the path that I have to walk? Why is it that I was given this burden? Why is my dream of a simple life burnt to the ground when all I've ever tried to do is be kind and try to follow the L-rd.

I'm slipping from Him lately. It's hard to see His light at the end of the tunnel when there are so many goblins and trolls along my journey to get to Him.

I miss who I used to be. I wish I would have never met him and I wish my life was the way it was a year ago. If it was, I know I could survive. Right now, it's dicey to know if I'll wake up in the morning or not.

A Wedding Typically Requires Dating...

My mom informed me that she has found a second-hand wedding dress store in the city. She is wedding dress shopping for me. The girl who is slightly broken in the relationship and development areas of life. I believe G-d works miracles and me getting married would be pretty darn close to Him parting the sea for Moses...

Maybe I'll get married to the family friend she is trying to set me up with. Haha, I shouldn't be so cynical but it's a pretty solid coping mechanism for me so far.

Want to view my Pinterest life?

I am on Pinterest, as most of you know, and now you can see my fantasy life! I have posts about nursing school, funny memes, different ideas for my wedding, date ideas, and a few other things that have sparked my interest. Take a look if you're into browsing other people's lives, I give you permission to Pinterest stalk me. :)

Better Ending

I had two tests this week: Pharmacology and my Pharm Math midterm.

Pharm: 70% Not great but G-d gave me a better score than I was expecting. I need to bring my average up though to an average above 74% for all tests otherwise I fail the class.

Pharm Math: 82%. This is terrible! It was all easy math and some simple conversion. I labeled my answers when they weren't pre-labeled and I showed all my work. I don't know how I got a B- but I probably just made a bunch of dumb mistakes. Nursing school always catches me off-guard.


I went home to see my parents this weekend. It was really nice to eat a Shabbat dinner with them and we talked for hours! It's amazing how much changes in a month and a half when I am not there to hear about it every night.

I emailed my bosses at my current nursing home job about possibly transferring to the hospital as a CNA. I just got an amazing recommendation letter from one of them and it made me feel really good. Hopefully G-d provides me with a new job that pays better and at a place where I can learn more about actual nursing instead of just the CNA side of it. We'll see.

Pinterest has currently caught most of my attention. Presently I am planning for all sorts of fun things like my perfect dates, cute outfits and make-up for said dates, adorable hairstyles, and my wedding. This is not a good idea. Between Pinterest and country music, I can tell that I am going to bottom out really bad soon. I even started watching love stories because I hope that it will be me. This is completely irrational because love stories are totally made up and that kind of stuff doesn't happen to girls like me. Still, I am finding it difficult to stay away from these things so that I can focus on school and real life. I just want a cowboy boyfriend that has all 573 characteristics that I have written down to love me, and start dating me right now, and then marry me after we're both finished with college. Is that too much to ask? I'm pretty sure my plan is not G-d's plan, but I keep asking Him for it anyway... His thoughts are higher than my thoughts and His ways are higher than my ways. He has a plan for my life which may or may not include a beau or husband, but my sinful heart is desiring a boy. How foolish is that?! Is it just me or do others of you have these kind of silly desires that don't seem to match what G-d wants for you but you can't let go of them? If you can let go of them, how do you?

I need some seriously professional help.

Good news: My Mocha latte is kicking in and I hope to get some homework/studying done today!

Bad news: The guy made it wrong because I asked for it to be made with soy but he used whole milk... I'm lactose intolerant... Boy, I wish my body made the right enzymes so that I can eat the Italian and French food that I'm always craving. My grandparents are Cajun, Italian, French, and a few other things, but most of our bloodlines come from places that use a lot of dairy products. My family is all pretty much okay with everything, except for me. I can't seem to eat anything anymore. h well, it's a good motivator to eat salads, plain chicken, and generally healthy food. Throw in some Chick-fil-a every once in a while and I am set.

Daily Thanksgiving: I got to go home. I got to see my puppy and my parents. My mother is a fantastic Italian cook and we got so much good food! G-d got us back to our apartment safely despite the crazy drivers, ridiculous amount of construction, and general crazy driving skills I possess. I'm learning how to do my make-up (normally I wear 0 make-up or just cover up when my face is breaking out) and I feel a little bit pretty even though beauty "comes from the inside". I believe that it does, but it's so cliche and sometimes it's good to feel pretty on the outside too. My grades are somewhat decent. I have a clean room! (This makes my brother happier than it makes me, but it's good to have a happy roommate.)
 
Off to do some school work. Have a good rest of your weekend!

"They're starting to build their own eco-systems..."

This, as said by my brother, amused me far more than it should have. He was asking me to do the dishes because we are out of all dishes because neither of us have done them at all this week. This is way gross, I know, but I'm a college student and don't have a whole lot of time.

I did clean my room today, though! I also finished unpacking my room because I haven't completely unpacked since I moved in here over the summer. Unpacking is huge for me because since we lost our house when I was in high school, I never trust that that won't happen again. Plus, I have moved almost every year since then and it is a huge inconvenience to pack and unpack an umpteen number of times as I move from house to house with my parents and also move back and forth from college. So, long story short, I am settling in even though I may only live here for another 8 months or so. I guess we'll see where the L-rd wants us next year!

I have a confession, though, I didn't clean my room just to clean. I cleaned it to avoid studying for my pharmacology test tomorrow. Super bad decision. I have studied for the test, however, for several hours over the past few days. Hopefully I don't fail it. I really need help learning how to study and I also need to teach myself motivation so I can start studying weeks ahead so that I can actually learn my material instead of guessing on every question. If only I could figure out how to do this...

Started on St. John's Wort today. I am self-medicating to see if I can avoid going to the doctor for my depression symptoms. My brother has been informed to watch for worsening symptoms in me, but I doubt it will begin to kick in for a few weeks.

I had a Redbull and sweet tea. It explains a lot about this post, I know.

Another bad decision: I have been listening to country music for the past few days. Also, I keep playing with make-up when I come home. I am trying to decide if I should wear it tomorrow, but I probably won't.

Do you ever feel like being surrounded by tons of friends and having everyone do something fun with you? I'm having one of those days. By tomorrow I should be back to my normal self, trying to avoid any contact with anyone.

Pinterest has suddenly caught my attention. I find myself planning outfits, dates, and my wedding. I don't have any prospect of getting a boyfriend anytime soon, but my poor decision to listen to country music has got me thinking about what type of bf I want, what we should do on dates, and how I want to look on said dates. I need to stop this nonsense before it gets me in more trouble with myself!

Daily Thanksgiving: I made it to work today. I cleaned my room. My day went by quickly. I got Chick-fil-a and sweet tea. I am getting better at doing my make-up. I got some hopefully helpful herbs to help with my current sad and helpless state. I get to go home (real home) to see my mama, daddy, and my dog! I have studied over the past few days so I'm not super stressed about my coming pharm test, but I'm still nervous because this class is nuts!

Good night y'all.

Understanding Marriage

This is one of the best articles I have read explaining marriage. Actually, I found a bunch on this one particular website. Plus, it numbered and bolded the reasons for marriage in one of the articles! I love this because not only does it make it easier for me to skim, it also helps you (should you choose to read these) to skim and not read entire articles! I figured this would likely help you guys because I am long-winded and I really want all of the info to be shared without you, my friends, to have to read entire textbooks worth of writing spread across several sites. (Wow, that was kinda a run-on... Sorry!)

Read these articles if you would like more info on the point of marriage. I put them in order of most relevant to my previous points to stuff that I thought was just interesting or other good points...

1) What's the point of marriage?
2) 5 Reasons Marriage Cynics Are Wrong (surprisingly, I am not cynical about any of these 5 things...)
3) What It Really Means to Say 'I Do'
4) 3 Things I Wish I Knew Before We Got Married
5) You Never Marry the Right Person (I know this one sounds disheartening, just trust me and try reading it)






Also, on a completely unrelated note, my mom called. We talked for a little over 1 hour and 39 minutes. I am in a considerably better mood and I didn't even explain my recent struggles. G-d truly blessed me with a strong, hilarious, and totally understanding mom. I love her and I love my dad. I am a daddy's girl, in the best sense, meaning I love working on cars, hangin' with the boys, and setting stuff on fire. I also enjoy throwing footballs, baseballs, and learning about cars/sports/anything anyone is willing to teach me. I'm so very grateful for my parents and their very different personalities.

Marriage Study

As a follow-up to my "Personal News" post, I did a word study on marriage. Did it clarify anything about the purpose of marriage? No, not even a little bit. I have noticed, however, that G-d is bringing this topic up in all aspects of my life though. It's kinda strange, but it is also how I know that He is talking to me and He is laying it on my heart. I kinda wish I understood why I need to know so much about this subject, but that is still very unclear.

After independent study and a few Google searches, I have arrived at the point that marriage mainly does 3 things:

1. Provides community (more stable environment for child rearing, friendship, strength, love*, etc)
2. Allows for safe procreation (because who doesn't want little mini-me's running around? Having kids is like doing experiments to see what characteristics of each parent they get! I know that sounds bad, but I hope you admit that it is pretty cool seeing this thing grow in you/your wife and then you get to meet the kid and watch them grow up...)
3. It is a metaphor of Yeshua's love for His people (Jews and Gentiles alike who trust in Him)

Why? I still do not know and I likely will never fully understand. Unfortunately, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if it is right for me. I don't know that I am stable enough to be in a relationship or if I could weather life with another person. How do I know if the guy that dates me fore years and then proposes is the right person for me? Will there be regrets? Will we drive each other up the wall for the first few years or will we be that couple that is in Honeymoon phase for the first decade. Will I survive if he dies first? How will marriage affect my career? If I get married out of nursing school, should I go straight into midwifery school or should I wait and get settled as a nurse in case we have children? If I do wait on becoming a CNM, when would be the best time to go back to school? Where will we live? Will my parents be able to live long enough to see their grandkids? Will my puppy be able to meet them? (She is my current baby, but she's close to 8 or 9 right now...) Where will we live? Should we move to a state that does not require the stupid flu vaccine? Should we move to another country that is more CNM friendly? Ahhhhh! What does the future hold?

Forgive the minor meltdown there, live just isn't what I thought it would be. Do you ever have that experience? You know, something that you thought would be so cool isn't actually all that you thought it would be? I think I am doing that with marriage. I know that was the truth for getting into nursing school, getting my first car, buying my own computer, having a boy like me for the first time, etc. etc. etc. Nothing makes me as happy as I think it is going to make me. On the other hand, the only thing that truly makes me happy is G-d and then He makes me more happy than I ever expected. It makes me wish that I never would have watched t.v. ever, because then I would be able to experience life for myself without having these preconceived notions that something will be so great when it actually isn't in real life.

So, will I have regrets when I get married because I am thinking marriage will be some great thing? I'm not making it out to be a Cinderella story. Let's be real, that's not even my cup of tea. But will I be disappointed with what married life really is? I just want a friend that will be with me for a really long time. Lately, I have seen too many marriages end after 10-25 years because one spouse starts cheating, or they are abusive to the other, or someone's midlife crisis just gets control of them so they split. Will that be my story? Will I have to bear that burden? Would I even be able to survive?

Marriage is so much more than what they show in the movies and on t.v. I'm not even married and I am skeptical that it is something that I would be strong enough to do. Is this G-d telling me that I will never be married or is this Him getting me ready for the harsh reality that marriage is not all fun and games?
 

Personal News

Just a warning: This post will likely sound ridiculous to all that read it, including myself, because I continue to waffle about everything in life. This is a post venting my frustration and stupid desires that seem to be surfacing currently in my life. Do not read any farther if you cannot tolerate random girl thought processes.





I have been having a tough time with boys lately. I finally see them as cute/attractive/etc and now I am stuck in a completely female school (well, we have 1 guy in the program, but he's married and not my type.) Whoa, guys, I have a "type," that's new. The waffeling comes in because I want a boyfriend, but I know that it would not be a sound decision to get one right now because I have to focus on school and I'm not ready to get married. Plus, in order to get a boyfriend, you have to have a guy interested in you... Currently, I have no potential suitors interested in me so it's not even a possibility anyway. This bugs me though because I want something that I don't understand. I know I have had this rant a million times in the few months I have had this blog, but I still don't understand the "why" behind marriage. Since I don't why marriage is even a thing, there seems to be no purpose behind dating because you date to get married. If there is no point to marriage then there is no point in dating. Okay, basics are covered. I mainly go over these points because I just need to talk the whole thing out from the very beginning and the basics. My sudden desire to be dating may be caused by the fact that I've started listening to country music even though I know I shouldn't. I do because my brother plays it in his car and we carpool, but I ignore the impulse to change it because I like it. It's like when you know you shouldn't do something, but you figure it's okay if someone else is doing it and you're just present. Actually, that's exactly what this is. I have also started going to church.

The back story behind my want of a boyfriend and how it is associated with church takes us back a few years ago. My mom was talking to my brother and I about crushes/dating/marriage/etc. She predicted that I would likely meet my husband at church (or congregation) because G-d is so important to me. She predicted where she thought my brother would meet his wife, but I forget. Anywho, I quickly dismissed the idea, even though I had a crush on the pastor's son at the time, and we changed the subject. Years later, that thought suddenly pops into my head again when a boy from congregation started being sweet to me. Now, I can't go to a church without hoping that maybe, someday, I will get a boyfriend/husband from church. Ugh! This is so annoying to not be able to focus at church because I have a thought planted in my head.

What is the point of marriage? From the few verses that I have kinda remembered about marriage, it was created to prevent us from sinning. It brings about children, partnership, stability, strength, community, loyalty, trust, and glory for G-d.  But what is the purpose? What was it really created for? What is the point?

Marriage is not something that comes with us into life after death. It was meant for earth and that is it. We came into this world naked and alone. We will leave this earth naked and alone. Even when a spouse is found, that bond is not permanent. In fact, legally, marriage is kinda easy to dissolve or break. Marriage of the heart that occurs from the vulnerabilities it takes to be married in the first place is a totally different story. I don't think anyone ever fully gets over true marriage of the heart once the legality of marriage is no more. Knowing me, I have to explain that with hormones associated with bonding, sex, etc. Other people might argue that it's just getting used to having someone there for you and then they leave. I think it's both but I always lean highly towards the physical things that are more able to be proven with tests and "factual" explanations instead of feelings and such.

Marriage to bring about children makes sense to a point. G-d says that sex outside of marriage is not so good. Again, I believe that is because He understood the hormones that He put in all of us and He wants to protect us from unnecessary pain and heartache. However, there is not a switch in people that flips to allow them to have children once they are married. By this I mean that ladies can become pregnant outside of marriage and guys can sire offspring outside of wedlock. So, to have children inside of the covenant of marriage just provides more stability for them and probably a few other perks.

Many people describe marriage as a life-time, permanent friendship. This certainly makes sense and allows for companionship, partnership, strength, community, trust, and loyalty. But, you can have all of these things with friends that you do not exclusively tie yourself to for a long-term stretch of time. You can have a best friend that you meet when you are 4 who stays with you until you last day at the ripe age of 119. Did you need to be married if that friendship was true, strong, and stable? Absolutely not. Why? Simply because you guys worked to make sure that you both stayed by each other's side.

G-d describes His love for His like a bride-groom loves his bride. Glory be to G-d because He forgives us, His people, and is continually trying to show us His love. If we did not have the example of marriage in this life, would we understand His analogy? Probably not. Still, that does not answer the question of the purpose of marriage.





So, what is the point of getting hitched? Why do people tie the knot? What is the purpose of matrimony?




I seemed to get so off topic but maybe if I could understand the meaning behind the desire to have a boyfriend and get married I could prevent the wedding cycle. Maybe I would be able to focus on G-d, school, and life as a single baby adult. Perhaps I would be able to find joy in just being in the here and now instead of wanting some silly thing that may or may not happen. That way, I would not be let down when it isn't as great as I was thinking it should be.

I really need to get out of my head. All I do in there is question the meaning of everything. Have I found answers for my questions of everything? Not really. Unfortunately, not understanding things really bugs me but there is no real way to have answers to the questions I ask.

Labor Day Weekend

Did you do anything fun for the extended weekend? Our university gave us Monday and Tuesday off so we (my brother and I) went home to see our parents. They surprised us with futons! Normally we had been crashing on the couch because we took our beds with us to furnish our apartment. However, they wanted us to be comfortable so they saved up and bought us futons, blankets, pillows, sheets, and everything so that we would be more comfortable. It was so sweet but I feel bad that they keep buying us so much stuff. My parents are always sending us money in the mail, buying us things for the apartment, coming down to buy our groceries, giving us gas money, etc. I know that they care for us and they just want us to not have to stress but I know that they don't really have the money to be able to do that all the time either. Still, they give us what they can even though they raised us not expecting help so we are fine without it. Maybe someday I will understand why they do it. They say that they feel bad that they can't pay for all of our college and bills but I don't think that they should have to. This is what being an adult is about. We have to learn to stand on our two feet, fight for what we believe in, and learn to live within our means so that we can invest in our education/future.



Another one of my friends got married...



Work wasn't so bad but I desperately need a new job. Something that allows me to think like a nurse. Maybe something that doesn't require me to only wipe butts...



I went to church again. That makes 2 weeks in a row!



I have to go study. TTFN (tata for now; Yes, that is from Tigger).

First Day of Nursing School: Successful and Complete!

Last night was stressful, I tell ya. Let me give you some background into my anxiety about today's scheduling...

Yesterday, on my way home from my CNA job, I remembered that I have a new nursing student orientation meeting today after my first/only class of the day. This would not be a problem if I did not have to be at my on-campus IT job 10 minutes after my class lets out. Anyway, I emailed my boss yesterday (Sunday) to ask him if it would be okay if I went to the meeting and I apologized up and down for not telling him sooner but I totally expected him to be upset or give me a guilt trip or something. Instead, I got the nicest email saying that I could go ahead and stay at the meeting and just come into work as soon as it was possible after the meeting! After so many bosses give me guilt trips and everything for stupid things that aren't even my fault, it is so nice to have a boss be okay with my school schedule. I love my new IT job by the way. I sit in the library and monitor the tons of printers we have to make sure that they have toner and paper, but it is all monitored through the computer. So, I don't have to leave the help desk unless something is wrong or if a student/person needs some help. With all of that down time, I have the freedom and opportunity to study or do anything else I need to do during that time, all the while getting paid nearly as much (78 cents less, to be exact) as my high stress, high demand, back-breaking, and mentally taxing CNA job with the geriatric population. How crazy is that?! Plus, I learned that my boss' wife is a NICU nurse at a local hospital. She works on the level III NICU floor (which I don't think I can handle) and I want to be a NICU nurse before getting my Midwife certification.

Anywho, today worked out just fine. I got to go to the nursing school meeting and work went well. My first day is completed and it was a success. My brother also had a good first day and we kinda almost have this carpooling schedule down, or close to coordinated. I'm praying that this week continues to go well and that nursing school is more fun than I am imagining it will be. I am also praying for better grades than the professors make it seem like we will be able to receive... Everything is in the L-rd's hands and I have to trust Him to make me a nurse or lead me down whatever path He has chosen for me. That's scary, but totally necessary.

Random thought: I recently bought some new music as a treat for working 3 doubles, a single, and picking up an additional single (in which I filled the role of 3 CNA's for a couple hours and fought back nasty, nasty anger at the situation) in one week. Getting back from that sidetrack, however, I found a new song that kinda got me thinking. Does it ever seem like G-d is giving you messages through music, friends, common occurrences, etc? This song felt like one of G-d's messages. The song is "Haven't Even Kissed" by Moriah Peters. I like her music, it's fun and filled with messages about G-d. This song, in particular, is one that resonated with me because of my few months of guy "troubles". They probably aren't really troubles, but my mind is perceiving these experiences as negative. So, the song gives me hope and calms my bitter, self-pity because self-pity is a slap in the face to G-d. When we have our pity parties, we might as well tell G-d that we don't believe that He holds our past, present, and future. It is us throwing a fit and convincing ourselves that we somehow deserve more just because we are spoiled brats who are used to getting everything we want or at least hoping to get everything we have ever wanted. How lame is that?! It's awful! Every good thing in our lives comes from the L-rd and we have the audacity to tell G-d that He isn't providing what we want when we want it so our life is not good. I'm sure it even gets worse than that most days. Moral of the story, listen to the song or read the lyrics. If you're like me in my radical dating boundaries, then perhaps it will give you hope and snap you out of any wedding cycle (my made up word, look up my post "Return of My Cynicism" or click the label to take you to the post for the background to this made-up problem) like ruts you may find yourselves in, it certainly helped me a bit.

Daily Thanksgiving: I started legit nursing school today and it was a success! My new boss is super chill and my job is even relaxing compared to being a CNA.

Return of My Cynicism

I just researched "cynic" just to see if I was spelling it right, but I found this definition on Google: "Cynicism, in its original form, refers to the beliefs of an ancient school of Greek philosophers known as the Cynics. Their philosophy was that the purpose of life was to live a life of Virtue in agreement with Nature."

Ya, that's definitely not me. I go under the newer definition of cynicism (also found on Google):

1. Believing that people are motivated by self-interest; distrustful of human sincerity or integrity.
2. Doubtful as to whether something will happen or is worthwhile.

I am under the influence of both of these ways of thought.

Anyway, gone was the week or so of being slightly calmer than normal because my cynicism has returned with a vengeance! It seems like I'm going through the whole wedding cycle again, which is weird because the normal triggers that typically have to take place have not taken place. Maybe its the fact that I'm writing a paper about college student's views on marriage and how it is beneficial to remain single, at least until school is completed and your career is up and running. Right now though, I am finding myself not wanting to be married, or even dating at all. But, coupled with my sudden disdain for the thought of me being married is that little inkling of hope that I will someday be a mother and have children of my own. I will not be a single mother who just gets knocked up in order to have offspring so how do I get around being married but still have children? Maybe I will just give up the thought of children and just focus on helping other women have their babies instead. Then, I still get to hold babies and I don't have to get hitched. Unfortunately, I have a sinking suspicion that this proposal will not provide happiness or get rid of my desires. Maybe marriage won't be so bad, but right now it makes my stomach ill. Not because I'm scared of living with someone for the rest of my life, or because I'm terrified of letting someone know all of me (my thoughts, my life, my everything) though that is a little scary. Right now, I can't pinpoint why I am so opposed to me marrying someone, but this thought of no marriage is getting stronger.

Again, questions are circling through my mind like: Does G-d even have someone for me? Would I even be able to have children? Would I be a good mother? Can I make it through nursing school, let alone midwifery school?

Why am I not able to just trust that G-d will take care of everything!?! I'm so frustrated with myself that I tell G-d I trust Him to orchestrate my life, but then I take the reigns right back and I begin to tell him what I want from life, in a husband, and random things throughout the day. Why? I'm not Him, I don't know what's best for me. Maybe He needs me to finish nursing school in 4.5 or 5 years instead of the 4 year program I am trying for. Maybe He doesn't even want me to be a nurse. I don't know. Perhaps I need to stay single and not be a mother for whatever reason. It sucks constantly not knowing what life is going to be like, where I am going, or what's going to happen. But it's in those times that my faith is strengthened and life is the smoothest when I finally surrender and let G-d do what He is going to do. How do I get back to the state of surrender? How do I stay in that state instead of trying to control everything again?

Been Away

I'm sorry I've been away for a few days. I got to go home! My mom's birthday was nice, we didn't do anything. Well, she had to work. She's a hairdresser, so she did my hair and she had a couple other clients. I had planned on cleaning the house for her present, that didn't work. I did make challah though and that was all I could give her. Why is it people get so hard to shop for? Why is it that we feel the need to buy something for every occasion? I want to be living back when Laura Ingalls was alive. Her family made stuff for each other. I do not recall her talking about birthday presents though. But they were working on presents for each other for months before Christmas (though I do not celebrate Christmas any longer), but they put so much thought and time into their gifts. That's how it should be!

Anyhow, my weekend was so nice and relaxing. I slept and thought about a lot and even told my mom about my friend maybe having a thing for me. She said she figured it would happen sooner or later. I love my friends, all of them. If you spend any length of time - even 5 seconds - talking to me, you are my friend and I will jump in front of a bullet for you. There are not many people that I do not like, and even then I would do anything to save your life, it doesn't matter. But I don't understand why my best friends (always guys) end up liking me. Am I coming off too nice? Like in a flirtatious way? I don't know. I don't even know what constitutes flirting. Then, what do I say if he asks me if I like him back? I do, but I'm not ready to date. And I won't be ready to date for a solid couple years, not until junior year at the soonest. Well, now it's closer to another year (wow, that went by quick!). So how do I explain to him that I am not ready without ruining our friendship? I cannot lose him like I lost C and I (see past story about this type of ordeal), it would break my heart and I may lose my other friends. I am praying that he does not ask me at all, but if he does I hope it is after school is over for the summer, that way we can both recover and avoid the awkwardness that is sure to ensue.

Despite my hard-core cynicism about everything, especially dating and marriage, I have opened a Pinterest account. For those of you that do not know what it is, it's a website for sharing creative stuff. Arts, crafts, food, decorating, and a million other things. There is even a wedding idea section. A year ago, I could not even go to my friends wedding because the thought of marriage made me cry... like a little girl... It's that ugly type of crying where you can't breathe because you are hyperventilating and about to die. Ya, that terrible, the world-is-ending, type of cry. Currently, however, I am planning my non-existent wedding. It's proving to be quite enjoyable, but highly unhealthy for me. Thus, leading to another dilemma and emotional hardships. Should I delete my Pinterest profile? Probably. Am I going to? Not yet. Normally, I would have hit rock bottom with my depression by now, but for some reason I have hope. I have hope that I may have a boyfriend in about a year or two. I hope that I may get engaged sometime my senior year or shortly after I graduate college. I am hoping that the plans I have for my non-existent wedding will actually get to be used in a few years. This is really dangerous. My high-on-life is all riding on easily shattered hopes for a future when I believe there is a good chance, a very likely possibility, that I will not live to see these things play out in my life. Perhaps they will happen, just the way I hope they do. Maybe they will happen, but on a different time-scale. Still, in my heart I am saddened by the realization that none of this will happen for me at all. I know it is all dependent on G-D's plans for my life, for He knows best what to do and when. But does that keep me from wondering and hoping my plans are His plans? Does it even save my heart from the impending heart-ache sure to come soon? Unfortunately, these are both answered with huge, resounding no's.

Let's switch gears here and mention daily thanksgivings, shall we? I am thankful I did nothing this weekend. I am thankful that I was able to go home for my mom's birthday. I am also thankful that work went well yesterday. I am still slow, but slowly getting faster. G-d is good. He is merciful. He is kind. He is my Rock and the only way that I can live each day.

Short Tangent

Do you guys mind if I have a minor meltdown here online?

I am going insane with all my friends getting married and having babies. My best friend (the one that asked me out in middle school) got married our senior year of high school (last year). Plus, his wife just had a baby a month or so ago. They were married for a little over a year, so everything was squared away there, but still! One of my friends got married this summer. Another friend got married today. Not to mention, so many others who are having babies (married or not) or getting married here shortly. Is this phenomenon weird for anyone else? As soon as high school is over (sometimes before high school is done), everyone has the urge to get hitched. What's up with that? Marriage is cool and all, I just need a little warning is all. I learned about my best friends marriage, and baby, through his sisters posts on Facebook, which plumb breaks my heart. One friend texted me when she got engaged, so I had some warning for her. But the friend that got married today didn't tell anyone anything. She just up and posted she was married on FB and announced they would have a ceremony come spring.

I am starting to be able to better deal with my friends getting married while I do not have a boyfriend yet or any plans to get married. This used to be a very touchy and sore subject for me. But I just need a little heads up. A bit of notice is all. Perhaps a little notice would allow me some time to digest the information and go through my processing cycle (which just happens to be a lot like the grief cycle as of yet). Just a little bit of time to hear the news, be sad, then slightly angry, then depressed, then I can move on to accept it... eventually. These cycles usually last a few months though. G-d is really working on me with this sadness about marriage thing. After my friend got married this summer, I have not had another bout with this ugly mess of me during the "marriage cycle". But it still stings. I know it stems from self-pity, which is really a slap in G-d's face, and He is allowing me to grow tremendously. This growth doesn't make it go away completely though and I want to be real with you guys because maybe someone out there experiences this kind of stuff too. I don't know if anyone does or not though, so I post it just in-case.

Regardless, I am grateful I have never had a boyfriend because I think all of this would be a lot harder on me if I had one (either currently or at some time in the past). All of this news about my best friend would have been much harder to swallow because it would have been my ex-boyfriend instead of a boy I merely hung out with a ton for about three years. Never-the-less, it still breaks my heart I couldn't find out from him. It sucks I can't meet his wife and his new baby boy, but c'est la vie.

Sorry about the length, my short tangent morphed into a full-fledged rant! That seems to happen a lot with me, huh? Well, I really appreciate you reading, or just allowing me to vent (even if you don't read it).