Stages of Loss and Grief: Anger

Over the past couple of days, I go through most of the stages in a cycle of about 15-25 minutes. I could almost set my watch to it.

Yesterday was Country Boy's birthday. For the past few days I've been checking my phone like crazy waiting for his text. This isn't new. Checking my phone and waiting for his text is something I've been trying to break the habit of for about 9 months. I couldn't ever kick it, not even now that I know that it will never come again.

I expected his birthday to be harder. I also expected to be able to tell my friends and talk through some of it with them. In the end, the day was a gorgeous spring day that I wished I could spend with him. My friends and I had a test that they left right after and I never got to talk about it with them. I told another girl who didn't know my background with him, but it lifted a little weight to be able to tell a peer instead of just my parents knowing about it. In these last two days, I have had probably 4-5 phone calls with my parents consisting mostly of telling them how much I wish he hadn't done it and then crying on the phone while my parents just sit there and try to console me.

I got angry yesterday. That's why I started this post, but I had forgotten with the course of my thought cycle. I got mad that he killed himself. I got angry that he never gave me a chance to talk him through it. I never got to tell him my story of near suicide attempts.

Then I got an email. I had applied and interviewed for a NICU CNA position. They decided to go with someone else. I totally understand that that person likely would be able to fill the hours they needed, and she probably fit their staffing culture better. But I got angry with myself for bombing the interview. I went on this whole thing about hoping to learn as much as I could and they kept circling back to how CNA's main focus is stocking and taking phone calls. I told them about how I was scared that my schedule might not fit in with theirs because I could only work Sundays and they saw that as I wouldn't be able to help out. I told them I wanted them to know that I would be able to work the 1 day a week they required during the school semester, but I don't think they fully understood what I was saying. Naturally, I then got angry at myself for that whole mess because I am pretty sure that they would never give me another chance to interview and their posting only come up maybe once a year for the NICU CNA position.

I also got angry at myself for going out with Best Friend. If I wouldn't have done that, then Country Boy would have come bowling with us 2 weeks prior to his death. Maybe he would have seen that he has friends. Or, I would have potentially gone to hang out with him when he offered. I would have been able to talk to him those 6 weeks when Best Friend and I were going out instead of blocking him to prevent BF from getting jealous that his girlfriend was texting another dude that she may/may not have had a thing for. Country Boy was so much more similar to me than BF was and BF admitted that he was hugely jealous. Maybe he and I could have spent Spring Break together and done something when we had a day off together. Maybe I wouldn't feel so guilty and terribly lonely that I have neither Best Friend nor Country Boy right now because I went against G-d's will and what He had told me to do years ago. I know G-d doesn't do the guilt killing thing like what happened here, but the timing of everything has got my brain going wild. I can't seem to shut it off anymore.

At that point, I gave up being productive, grabbed my blanket and water bottle and bunkered down on the couch. I took a couple of Tylenol PM and fell asleep at 1600 (4 p.m.) and didn't wake up until 0700 the next day (today). I promise I won't go down the pills road again, I remember how much that messed me up and how close I was to suicide. Being on the other end of a suicide, I don't ever want to do that to anyone EVER. I just don't know how I'm supposed to go on functioning normally seeing as I have papers and tests and life happening but I can't stop thinking about my Country Boy. I had such big plans for us this summer and next fall he was going to take me hunting. He would have been 20 yesterday and I wanted to tell him how much I already didn't like this year. Now it's turned from minor irritation at no longer being a teen to a majorly tragic year. I'm only 2 weeks in...