The End of a Good Thing

Roomie and I had a fight today.

Let's start off by saying that I am not the easiest person to live with, but I do try to be accommodating. I know that I have weird quirks and depression and that a lot of people don't understand. I thought Roomie understood and was great at helping, but we lost it somewhere along the way.

The apartment we live in used to be occupied by Roomie and Roomie's mother when the mother and father split up for a short time. The dad moved to Hot State and the mother stayed here in Home State.

After months and months of separation, the mother decided to move to Hot State to be with her husband and they worked it out. Yay!

Unfortunately for Roomie, this left her and her family in a bind. She is one of four children, three girls and a boy. The boy was in Hot State with the dad, but the girls had stayed behind with their mom. Eventually, as the mom decided to move with the dad, the other kids decided to follow suit and they all moved at about the same time.

Roomie, however, had to stay behind in Home State because of nursing school because nursing school credits do not transfer. This means she needed someone to help with the bills.

At the same time that her family was deciding this all out, I was sent a text from ex-roommate (the girl I lived with last year) that she didn't want to live with me anymore. Then I got yelled at by her and her mom for not knowing that she was uncomfortable and then I got yelled at for them making plans and now I wouldn't be paying half the bills... whatever, they made the plans without me and honestly, it's their problem. That sounds calloused and rude, but they were some of those people who throw a fit just to see if they'll get free food at restaurants. Then they get free food. Or they throw a fit and yell and people (their "friends") and then their friends do what they want until the friends can't take their shit anymore and slowly fade away from their lives... I left with a hardcore cut to the ties. What 22 year old girl has to have their mother call and yell at their roommate for things the roommate (me) was never aware of because the girl (ex-roommate) never communicated a single thing? Seriously, pull on your big-girl-panties and cut that fucking umbilical cord.

Back to the story...

I texted a bunch of friends while on summer vacation and quickly found a place to live. Roomie was the first to respond and it sounded like a great deal. She could only afford $500 so she said her family was okay with me only paying that much. I offered more money, several times, for bills and cable but she refused it. Okay, then $500 a month it is.

The first couple nights, one of her sisters was still living at the apartment with us because she hadn't yet finished out her time at her job. Fine, I can handle a couple days with somebody else's family. A few weeks later, Roomie's mother comes back to Home State to visit. Roomie specifically told me that her mother would only stay at our apartment a couple nights of the 3 weeks she was visiting Home State. Well, the mother stayed every single night, in our living room, on the floor, except for 2 nights... OF THE ENTIRE 3 FUCKING WEEKS!!! She would get irritated if I had to go to class early and I disturbed her sleep because I was leaving the apartment or getting coffee. I figured that she could stay in Roomie's room as she was supposed to do, but if she wasn't going to do that then it wasn't my fault that her vacation sleep was ruined by my necessity to go to school and clinicals. The mother was at the apartment watching t.v., cooking, doing her laundry, taking baths (daily), and doing as she normally did when she lived there. Fine, whatever.

She eventually left and life ensued with Roomie, it was great. A few weeks (3-4 weeks) go by and Roomie informs me her mother will be coming to visit again. Again, I get told the mother will not be at our apartment much during her three week stay. Again, she was in the apartment, carrying on with her life as though she had never left. She was there all the time, even when Roomie wasn't there. I get that she is from out of town and wanted to come and visit, but having strangers in my house is incredibly uncomfortable. I gritted my teeth and beared it. They kept wondering about me when I slept too much. They worried when I didn't eat family dinners with them or when I told the mom I had already eaten when she decided to cook a meal and her daughter wasn't even home from clinicals for the day.

Another month later and I was informed again that the mother would be coming for another 2-3 weeks stay. I survived the entire stay with the random people coming through and the mother staying at the apartment and going out as she wished. On the last day, Roomie started setting up for a birthday party at our apartment. I asked who's birthday it was and she said it was her mom's and that they were going to have a party for her and they invited a few of her friends and family members to come over and celebrate. Imagine my surprise that I had not been warned about this, but it was occurring at my house! So I asked nicely, if she wouldn't mind telling me in the future when people were planning on coming over. That way, I wouldn't feel like I needed to be locked in my room because I hadn't gotten a shower that day when there are a billion and five complete strangers and Roomie's mom in the apartment at every moment of the day. She agreed and apologized that it must have been strange to come home from school and have an audience when I thought I was going to have the apartment to myself for a short time.

Life went on and it seemed to get better.

The next month was winter break or something, so Roomie went to Hot State and I got some time off from being with people. Towards the end of the break, she had planned to have her boyfriend come in from Cajun Country to visit her. So, I decided that would be a nice time to go visit my family and give Roomie and her boyfriend some quality time together.

Break ended and two weeks into school. She told me her mother and sister were coming to Home State to come and visit their friends and the sister wanted to see her boyfriend. The rule about warning me before random people came over lasted for a solid two days. Pretty soon they were at the apartment all the time and I spent a lot of time sleeping. Honestly, I had just broken up with exfiance, I was depressed, I was tired from school, I was struggling, and I didn't want to deal with more people that I don't know and I'm not comfortable with! During this stay, the mother mentioned to Roomie that she thought I didn't like her. Naturally, this leads Roomie to feel the need to confront me about the situation because heaven forbid that somebody is simply going through a rough patch in life and cannot pretend to be happy to please somebody's family 24/7. I told her that I was just tired and having a hard time. She let it go, for the time, and I started forcing myself to stay awake, even when I was exhausted, simply because they were over and they wanted everyone to smile and say "hi!" every time they came in the door. I can't remember what I told Roomie, but her mother didn't stay at our apartment as much during that stay, until closer to the end of the stay.

I got another month break and here they come again to Home State. This time, I was assured that the mother would stay with her friend the entire time and would only come over to take the dog on walks. Fine. This, again, was a lie. The mom was over all the time. She would come over, watch t.v., use Roomie's car, take naps in the apartment when Roomie wasn't there but I was, and carry on with her baths. This time, I was over it. I was working on school and overwhelmed, so I kept my door shut so I wouldn't have to make small-talk with this strange woman in my apartment before I even got a chance to shower because she would shower and then turn on every hot water appliance in the house and I would have no hot water. I don't like to see people before I get a shower. Also keep in mind, I was dealing with insomnia, severe PTSD, flashbacks, depression, school, and a whole host of other life problems that do not need some overly cheery lady to be the cherry on top.

I get it, having people who are always happy are a joy in life. However, it is also unsustainable and fake to be always happy. One thing that I've learned is that some people who are always "happy", and there are not many in the world, have no ability to handle real-life events. They ignore the bad and put on a false front so that their appearance looks good to the public. In fact, they cause more problems for themselves because they don't allow anything to be anything more than superficial. What kind of life is that?

So, it's great that she is happy. Awesome for her. For me, I was going through a legit life crisis and I was barely surviving each day without 1) cutting or 2) taking my own life. I'm dead serious about that. In fact, there were some days with Roomie's family being here all the time, that I had to cut because there was no other escape. I would then pop about 8-10 benadryl, 2-3 tylenol, and 4 ibuprofen at noon or whenever I got done with class, and I would sleep the whole rest of the day. That was my escape because I had no time alone and no time to just rest without some stranger, either the mom or her sister or her, in my face and trying to continue on with small talk for hours on end. I don't know about you, but small-talk is a huge waste of my time. I have real thoughts and deep seated opinions. I am a girl who does not talk much because most of the talk seems like fluff. But, if I have something to say you better believe I will try to at least say a little bit, but I won't fight to be heard.

Roomie confronted me after her mom left from that visit and told me, again, that her mom had mentioned that she felt like I didn't like her. Oh my gosh lady, it's okay if not everyone likes you. Also, just because someone can't be around you all the time doesn't mean I don't like you, it just means your a little too much to take in for someone who needs a lot of down time. Seriously, grow up. I didn't say that, I just told her that it's not that I don't like her, I was just going through a lot.

I had another month of peace,  then her boyfriend came. The boyfriends spring break was the week before ours so she was in class and clinical all week while I was at home (because I didn't have clinical at that time) with him... alone... after severe trauma from two guys. I let it slide, saying that he really had no place to go. I spent a lot of time shopping and dragging out time I had to go to class. I also went and stayed at my parent's house the weekend he originally got there and the weekend at the end of his stay here to give them time. I didn't think it was fair that I was left with him while she went about her life. Why did she not just schedule for him to visit her a different time? Why didn't she just move her schedule around to be with him more? Why is it okay to just let random strangers that I had legitimately never met before stay at my apartment with me? She didn't even introduce him, she let me introduce myself the next day after she picked him up from the airport because she was gone at class. That was ridiculously uncomfortable. The whole week sucked. I can't take a shower, I can't go to the bathroom, I can't cook, I can't do anything without answering to this guy because he's the guest and I feel like I'm supposed to play hostess to him since she's not ever there. Is that fair or am I just being a bitch?

Fast track maybe two weeks, her mom is back. I did my best to stay busy with clinicals, leaving early and staying late to avoid being home when they were awake. Roomie warned me maybe the first two days about random times when her mom would drop by, but mostly it was a one warning system made it acceptable for the mom to stop by whenever she damn well felt like it for the rest of her fucking trip. I survived it, said hi maybe once but I wasn't being overly nice and I didn't come out of my room, but I left the door open to make sure her mom didn't have hurt feelings because apparently I'm just a heartless meanie pants who doesn't care about other people's feelings. That is my own wording, but it was mentioned that they didn't feel comfortable at the apartment because I was not very inviting and welcoming.

That leads us to today. The mother and one of the sisters flew in on Sunday night. This weekend, I came down with a really bad cold or flu or something. I lost my voice (legit) because I cough so much, but the fever only lasted a couple days. Sunday, I was recovering and I slept all day. Roomie came into my room around noon, upset that I wasn't out in the living room talking to her. I told her that I had been sleeping all day because I was sick and I had told her the day before that I was sick. She went out of my room in a bit of a huff and kept to texting me the rest of the day to "warn" me about her mom and sister's plans for their vacation here. I was told, not asked, that they would be spending Sunday night at our place. A couple minutes later that was retracted and I was told they were just going to come over for a few minutes to visit when their flight got in. Great, do what you want.

The next day I was again told, not asked, that her sister would be spending the night, while her sister was here at the apartment. It's not like I could say no, even if it was a bad time for me, because the sister was there. So I told her okay. Roomie told me that they would stay in her room as to "not bother me". Her exact words. I never told her that I was bothered by them. They can keep the door open and do as they wish, I don't care, just give me a heads up if I need to go find another place to live because you're moving your whole family back into our two bedroom apartment. The night came and passed. Next morning I got a text saying that her mom would be "stopping in to take the dog for a walk with the sister, then they would drop the dog off and go about their day." To me, this sounds like the dog will be here when I get home, but no strangers. Right? Next day, I went to counseling, then I walked around 2 different stores for the next three hours to make sure that enough time was given that I would not be impeding on their plans or their "short" visits that ended up lasting a whole fucking 6 hours, consistently. 

By the time I got home, there was loud music playing from Roomie's room, and I kept hearing someone. I texted her and asked if she was home. She said "no." I said "okay, I just keep hearing someone in there and I was wondering if it was you." She said "no, it's my sister and I (Roomie) mentioned she was spending the night last night." 

By this time, it was about 4 in the afternoon and the earlier text about her mom taking the dog for a walk sounded like her sister and mom would not be here. When Roomie finally got home, she went into her room and closed her door. I heard her and her sister talking in quiet voices, but they sounded angry. Her sister left, then she came into my room and confronted me about it. I didn't yell, but it was hard to keep my voice level between her beginning to get rialed up and me having a hoarse voice right now. She told me it wasn't fair for me to ask her not to see her family. I told her I am glad that she gets to visit with her family and that they are in town, but I didn't feel like it was fair that the family stays at the apartment without Roomie being there and without even a text to tell me she'll be here when I get home. What if I had been so freaked out that I grabbed my gun? Honestly, I had no way of knowing that there would have been someone that is supposed to be there. I told Roomie that too, that my understanding of the texts was this. She said, "well, I told you she was spending the night!" I responded with, "yes, but I didn't know that means she was going to stay the whole next day." She kept saying something like, "do you expect me to just not see my family? Am I not supposed to have them over and I just have to go out and meet them somewhere because you don't want them over?" I told her "no, I just needed a text to know that someone was going to be home. We agreed on this several months ago and I think it was just a miscommunication, but I had no idea she was going to be here."

That sent her into a bit of a rage. She told me I'm hard to live with and that she feels like she has to walk on eggshells around me because I don't ever want anyone over. She told me that it's not fair that I go into my room when her family comes over because they think I hate them and it's so terrible that I didn't even go out and say hi to them when they got there. I reminded her that I try to at least say hi and be cordial when they come, but that I've been sick the past two times they've been here and I have stuff going on too and I am overwhelmed by them. Blah, blah, blah, she made the swirly motion with her finger while telling me I was making something up. I finally had the mental ability to tell her that that was not a fair thing to tell me because her family was making up the idea that I hate them. She got mad at me trying to keep the "discussion" fair and she told me her family was going to come over because she wants to spend time with them. I told her I didn't think it was fair that her plans kept changing and that left me with no place to live. I was originally supposed to be able to stay here the night after graduation, because I need to be down here the next day for things that are happening. Then she moved the day to me only being able to stay Thursday night, then she said I couldn't even stay there Thursday night because her family was going to pack up the u-haul and there would be no furniture and her family wanted to all (all other 3 siblings, both of her parents, her boyfriend, and herself) stay there Thursday and Friday nights and she suggested I go stay at Brother's apartment or find another place to stay. She got mad at that too.

The "conversation" ended with me telling her I would have my stuff out by Monday. She said that works since I'll be staying with my mom over the weekend to "help" her. That opened up me confessing that I was only going to Denver so that she could spend time with her family without me making them feel uncomfortable. She didn't talk much after that...

She walked away, and went to her room. A few minutes later, as I went back to packing, she went into the kitchen and started slamming doors, banging dishes, shutting cabinets with such force I'm  surprised they didn't fall off the hinges. I continued to pack calmly, waiting for the time that I was finally scheduled to leave to go out with my clinical group for dinner and drinks.

The time came and I had a blast. Mid-way through dinner, Roomie sent me a really long text telling me that she thinks it's a good idea for me to move out early and that she will reimburse me for part of the rent I'll be missing because I'm leaving early. She told me that she is going to focus on enjoying her family and that "she is sorry it ended like this." She also reiterated that I'm difficult to live with and that she has given up a lot to make me more "comfortable" and feels that I am basically being unreasonable in requesting her family to not spend so much time there because they technically do not live here anymore and it's my living place too.



Long story short, I'm moving out tomorrow and not even waiting until Monday. I will be making the hour-long commute for the next couple of weeks for the several days that I have class or other obligations. And, I lost another friend. Someone who I thought was close with me, but dropped me when I was unwilling to give in to her other demands. Normally, I and everyone else give into what she wants because she comes to us crying and I know that I, personally, have not been able to avoid my people-pleasing tendencies... until now. I talked with Counselor about boundaries a couple hours before this whole thing went down and I'm not even really upset. I'm stressed, but it's not as bad as it could be. I talked to Best Friend about it and he told me I'm being reasonable in asking to not have her family practically living here every other month. Honestly, in no roommate situation I've ever been in or seen, has it been okay to have your family come and stay and run the household for weeks at a time while their host is not even there most of the time! This was her first experience with a roommate, but I don't think there are realistic expectations for what a roommate situation will actually look like for her. She is moving in with her boyfriend and his best buddy and that guy's girlfriend... She's not only getting 3 new roommates, but she's moving into a house and will have two couples under one roof. I honestly do not see this ending well, but hey, not my life. She asked my opinion, I told her it sounded like a really bad idea and she told me that she was going to go ahead and do it anyway because she thinks the girl is nice. Well, okay, I hope it works out well for you bud, I truly do.

Dear Roomie,

     First of all, know that I have no anger, resentment, or malice in my heart towards you. I also know I have a lot to learn about life still, but I've been on my own for 4 years now. You learn a lot when you finally live with people who are not your family, and in a place where your family is not living and at your beck and call. I've learned a lot and I started off really independent before I moved away from my parents. 

     In your one year with me, actually like 8 months, you've learned some. Just know that though I may be hard to live with because of my depression/PTSD/trauma/bipolar, but there are worse roommates out there, and they are abundant. Not everyone is going to react as well to your many confrontations as I did. Not everyone will shut down when you yell at them and then give in to you because they have little to no mental functioning due to their traumatic pasts. Not everyone will leave you with a hug, when you ask unreasonable things and then kick them out. Not many people will deal with the amount of your family interaction and time of them hanging out in the house without you being there, as I have. I can promise you that. 

     I'm hard to deal with because of mental illness and a hermit tendency, but I try my best to listen and to try to understand your frustration and the point of why you're upset, friends don't even always do that! I hope you have nothing but good experiences, but from my short time on earth and the statistics classes I had to take in school, I know that that is not even really probable. I pray that some day, you look back and realize that what I was asking was not crazy, nor was it strange. I want you to understand that even though I'm hard to live with, I was actually a decent roommate who tried with my whole heart to make you happy while staying true to myself. I want you to know that you helped me, but that you also could have asked me to stop talking about things. Granted, you did ask me to stop talking about ex-fiance when I didn't break up with him as you requested. I bent over backwards for you and I hope that someday, you'll see that I really did try and that I really wasn't a bad roommate. 

Sincerely,
     Your Former Roommate
          BedpanAlley

Regrets and Learning

If y'all recall, I "broke up" with Jersey.

For the past couple of days I have been struggling with the decision because of her haunting words of, "karma is a bitch."

Today, class was a bit uncomfortable, but not as bad as it has been while waiting for her to come and attack me.

Tonight I went out with Millie and we got on the subject. Millie is in a clinical group with Jersey and I guess Jersey went to a simulation lab after our "break up" and was crying the whole time. She was venting to another classmate when Millie walked by them in the hall. She ended up staying and heard all that Jersey had to say. Jersey said she felt attacked, and then started listing off my many faults and why she felt I was being unreasonable.

This is understandable.

I agree that the timing was wrong. Thinking back on the situation, I should have probably scheduled it for a different time, but I don't know when else I could have done it and I can't fix that now.

Talking with Millie gave me no comfort. I still feel terrible. I feel like I somehow embodied everything that hurt me in Jersey's personality, my old Roommate, and the girls I lived with freshman year. I somehow turned into the mean girl that I have despised and worked so hard to get away from all these years.

I hate myself for that.

I keep second guessing myself and my decision. I feel like I am absolutely crazy and that I made a huge mistake. Regardless of how I try to rationalize it, I simply cannot fix the situation in my head and I feel really bad.

This brings me to a huge conundrum... In the future, do I ignore when friends are dumping on me, and turn the other cheek? In these relationships, the friendship usually ends up phasing out gradually as I go to less and less gatherings with them and do not talk with them as much. OR Do I continue to stand up for myself and leave a path of destruction, hurt feelings, and people in tears? This option allows me to have my thoughts and feelings heard, but I feel bad and I become more stressed than if I just let it ride and take the yelling.

I don't know whether to apologize or accept that she needed to hear what I had to say. People complain about these things behind her back a lot, but nobody every tells her these things. Granted, I do not like being assertive and I do not think that it works on me. It doesn't fit.



I had too many good days in a row. Today was decidedly a nice day, up until about 5 p.m. tonight when my brain decided to remind me that it was Country Boy's birthday. I shared a shot with him and then went out to drinks with Millie. Beauty ended up coming, too, but not until way later.

Thing is, I'm having a lot of troubles with Beauty lately. She continues to ignore my texts, though I don't text about complaints. When I text her, it's to invite her out or let her know that some assignment is due or to simply say something nice. She responds to maybe 1 out of every 5-10 that I send her. Meanwhile, she tells me that Lexi complains to her all the time about me. This means that they are probably hanging out quite a bit. That's good, they need to be able to hang out with friends. I'm just getting frustrated with the fact that I am being ignored, but I'm the first one to be called when there is something wrong and they are having troubles with their car, school, or life.



What would happen if I were to die? Would anyone miss me?

I'm not someone that anyone tries to go out of their way to hang out with, by I am on speed dial for literally any issue that arises.

It's okay to ignore me, but you better believe I am expected to respond to every text within a couple minutes of receiving it.

I'm just another body in a seat until someone has a question about what happened in class.

I'm just some girl that is expected to take a whole load of shit when someone is having a bad day. Heaven forbid I need to vent to anyone but my mom! I have to just take the dumping, with a smile on my face, then go about fixing all of the person's problems even if the problems weren't actually my fault to begin with.

If I were to die one night and didn't show up for class for a couple of days, would anyone notice? Would Beauty regret the texts she ignored? Would Jersey regret unloading all of her life frustrations on a friend who she knew was fresh out of a break-up and had been recently traumatized? What would Millie do? How would my friends from the Farm Store that I worked at as a first job respond? Would any of the girls that I went to elementary school even think twice if my name were in an obituary? Would my seat simply be an open seat in the back, or would it then be looked upon with any flicker of sadness?

Would anyone even notice?

How would I be remembered?

Would it be for the awkwardness I show everyday? For my clumsiness? My traumatic couple of years? How I have pissed people of left and right through college? For the struggles I talked about with my couple of people who sat next to me? For being the "quiet" girl in clinical?

Would I be remembered at all?

It'll Never End

As mentioned in my last post, my day began at about 3 this morning. Not pleasant.

I made it through the sim lab and my group did really well. The instructors were surprised and kept saying they didn't think we would do so well because my group wasn't very interactive on Monday during the skills lab... I think it was supposed to be a compliment but it came off terribly. Whatever, we rocked it and now I'm done with that.

All day, Country Boy has been on my mind. All week, in fact. This morning, before hopping in my shower, I went back and looked at some pictures of him. A few tears fell, but I'm still too overwhelmed in my life to be able to cry much. I went through sim lab and my brain was not working. People kept talking to me and I couldn't even focus. I saw their lips moving, but I couldn't hear anything.

Last night exfiance called me 3 times... They didn't ring through, because I blocked him. However, I woke up at 1:30 a.m. wondering why my phone was lit up, but I decided to ignore it. At 3, when I woke up for sure, I saw the little symbol for voice mail. I was confused, wondering why anyone needed to leave me a voice mail so early in the morning and I panicked wondering if it was family or a friend who needed me. Nope. It was exfiance. I didn't listen to his message because I was scared he would have called me and left a voice mail while he was pretending to die or while he committed suicide just because he knew how badly Country Boy's death affected me. Sick thought process, I know, but he's done terrible things to me and he messes with my head. If you go through something like that (and I pray you never do and never have), you begin to wonder what kind of bullshit they are going to unleash on you this time.

I waited until my roommate woke up, and then I told her about it. She offered to listen to the message to screen it for me. Essentially, it said everything his 9 text messages from Easter said to me. Again, those too were blocked and I didn't get them until a day or two after Easter Sunday.

I didn't listen to the voice mail until my lunch break between simulations today. I went out to my car and listened to all 3 fucking minutes of the bullshit message. The messages (voice mail and texts) went to the effect that he has been attending the church I go to for the last month. He says he wants me to go see him at church and sit with him... He says he's changed and that I'm amazing and all this bullshit. Seriously, he told me I brought him back to the L-rd. What the fuck?!?

Honestly, I hope he did find the L-rd but I don't believe him at all. I don't believe a fucking word he uttered the entire time I've ever known him. I don't believe any of the nice things, I don't believe any of the crazy stories, I don't believe the apologies, or anything else he ever said. I don't. So, you can go pound sand fucker. Leave me the hell alone. STOP TRYING TO TALK TO ME!!!

So sick of it.

After sim was done and I was driving home, I was barely keeping the tears from falling. I was handling myself until I saw his truck. Not Country Boy's, not exfiance's... the other one. I saw exboyfriend's truck passing me on my way home. Fuckin' A. Of course, this is going to happen on one of my shittiest days. He works on the exact opposite side of town. Why the fuck is he on my way home?!?

I lost it. The tears started, my panic attack began in earnest, and my brain shut down with that last straw. It was the last straw to break my mind from how it had been dealing with all of the overwhelming nonsense I had been dealing with all day. Seeing exbf's truck is what did me in.

I got home and Roomie asked how I was doing. My chin and voice began quivering as I told her the extremely shortened and condensed version of the shit I survived today. She stood there quietly and told me she was sorry. She suggested I go climb into bed and watch a movie or take a nap. My beautifully happy and cheery roommate didn't know what to do. She doesn't know what to do when I don't even know how to handle my life circumstances. I don't blame her.

She left a few minutes later for work and her dog followed me into my room. I collapsed on my bed crying because I was finally done with the shit show that was my day. Oh my goodness, the dog flipped out! She jumped on my bed, started licking my face and acting all frantic. She licked me and tried to climb in my lap (she's 50 lbs) for a solid 10 minutes, as the tears streamed down my face. She kept making me pet her and push her from my face because she was taking away my tears. She jumped down, ran out of my room, but returned about 30 seconds later and began barking at me! She put her front two paws on my bed and started barking and whining at me in her scared bark. I pulled myself together, stopped crying and then the dog left my room. I don't know what else happened, but my eyes opened about an hour and a half later, and I didn't know where I was or what time it was. I woke up another hour and a half after that in the same condition, but laid in bed answering my 9 text messages that had accumulated, as I stared at my ceiling for an hour.

I don't know how to explain times like this, but when I have a bad enough day, I can stay in bed and stare at the wall or ceiling for hours with no thoughts going through my head. I snap out of it a couple hours later, but it only felt like 5 minutes at the most. No thoughts, no emotion, no ability to move my body. I legitimately shut down all the way and can do absolutely nothing.

Days like this, I don't even need alcohol. I know that on a day like today, drinking would simply get me stuck in the sad, terrible existence of my brain when my brain is literally refusing to think about it. My brain is overwhelmed and refusing to think about the stressors because it's unable to handle it anymore. Why would I drink and remember if I can just disappear into nothingness?



Today, everything that I needed to not happen, all happened... Today, was one of the hardest days to survive. Today, but not just today, I wished Country Boy would have taken me with him. I get mad at him for leaving me here.

I just don't want to be here anymore.

This is bullshit.

School Tomorrow

Hey y'all, I'm having o go back to school tomorrow. Goodness, I had so many plans for my very last Spring Break, but none of those occurred.

Why? You may ask... We've had 3, count them one, two, THREE snowstorms! What is that?!? It's Spring frickin' Break!!!

Good grief! I was supposed to have a massage with my mom Wednesday but we got a couple feet of snow... I wanted to go out Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights (moving the night as the snow ruined each night) and I ended up cancelling all of them because of the weather and ice.

Most of the snow is gone now because it's spring. Oy vey! Spring snow storms are rough because the snow is really wet and heavy, but there is a lot of it. Then, it's all gone by that evening or the following day. I don't understand. Oh well.

So, school starts back tomorrow. I get no break all day because I have skills lab in the hour break that I normally get between my morning nursing class and my afternoon main campus class. Getting the professor to help me by doing the skills lab in this time was a huge struggle because she scheduled it for all of the other clinical groups during my afternoon class. She told me I needed to "prioritize" which class I was going to go to, but that her skills lab was mandatory. She gave me a "hint" that I needed to go to her lab because the other class was not what my degree was going to be in... Yes, she actually said that to me!

Tomorrow, along with no break, I get to wear my whites on main campus and I will get to be late to my afternoon class. Great! Thanks nursing school.

Daily Challenge

I crashed out last night after coming home from clinicals. I was exhausted!

So, I was unable to talk about yesterday's bunch of stuff and tell you my funny story.

Counseling was good. I talked about Jersey and my "difficult" professor. They took up about 10-15 minutes of the session, but I guess it was worth it because I realized some things by discussing it with someone who isn't a friend with Jersey and isn't in class with the professor. Yay! New perspectives!

Counselor says I'm doing well. We're going to start working on rationalizations. She told me that I'm doing really well and working really hard. She likes my college bucket list, Roomie's Thanksgiving List challenge, how I am doing with "friend" struggles, my dealings with the professor, and she told me it's okay to be flip-flopping all the time.

Apparently I go from having rational thoughts to survival mode frequently, and that is because my brain is confused with the PTSD. Survival mode is in the back, in the occipital lobe (from what I remember from anatomy and phys) while logical thought (where I used to live most of the time because I like it) is in the frontal lobe. So, my brain is trying to be normal, but then it decides it doesn't like how I used to be because it's too hard, so then it switches back to survival mode in the back. Meanwhile, I am left with my head spinning, whiplash, and major confusion and frustration at my lack of ability to be who I remember I used to be. C'est la vie, for the time being.

Normally, after counseling, I go to sit at Country Boy's grave. It was so cold yesterday that I stood there for 5 minutes, in my clinical whites because I have clinicals after, and started shivering so I left way early. I told Counselor that I felt it was weird and morbid. She told me it was actually really good because cemeteries are quiet, outside, peaceful, and there are plenty of ways to ground myself with nature, should I feel like I need to. Plus, I get vitamin D with being in the sun. Maybe next week it'll be warm enough to actually be able to sit with him again.

I ended up showing up to the hospital over an hour early. This was a great accident, because one of the other girls from my group was already there. We have a test tomorrow and so we were able to start studying and I learned a lot!!! Maybe I will do okay on this test. I hope so anyway. I just need to be able to stay in my frontal lobe and stop switching back to the occipital lobe for a couple more days so that I can study solidly and remember the information for this class that I need to know for the test and my future career.

Clinicals went well. When we first go there, I asked if I could go change into greens, just so I would be ready if I ended up being able to go to a c-section or something. My instructor said that was okay, so I went with the other girls who were on L&D with me and we went to change. You should know, that I am tall, and I have wide hips. Wide hips are from genetics, and also from a little "extra padding," a.k.a. fat. Plus, I'm 5'8" and mostly legs, with a short (proportionally speaking) torso. When we went in to go get scrubs, the only sizes that were left were extra-small tops and small bottoms along with the 2x and 3x tops and bottoms. Good grief. I spent 10 minutes looking through every pair of bottoms to find a pair that was medium or large. No such findings came about. So, I tried on the 2x and my friends told me no. I tried on the small pants and they were bursting at the seems around my ass and thighs. They also came up about halfway up my calves, WHEN STANDING!

I walked into the pre-conference room with my whole clinical group and I fake-whined to my instructor: "Instructor, I need new pants!!!" They all burst into uncontrollable laughter. Granted, it was hilarious, but regardless of how thick my skin is, some things still hurt. So, when they calmed down a little and my instructor gave me her badge so I could go get scrubs that fit, they burst into laughter as I was walking out. That stung a little bit because I'm self-concious about my butt and thighs. I fit into an x-small top, but my butt needs a medium and my long legs need a large. To have people crack up as I walk out and they can see my butt makes my high anxiety and ability to be easily embarrassed get sent into over-drive. I play a good sport, but that doesn't mean that someone laughing along doesn't get hurt in the end.

So, just the thing I needed on an already difficult day... people laughing. It was funny, I'll give you that. It just made me over-think it for the rest of the day and even still, a day later. Just breathe.

10 Thanksgivings (from yesterday):

1. First test of the week is done and I was able to take it with really smart people (it was a group test).
2. I had great night shift nurses and got to see an ultrasound/fetal echo.
3. Counseling went well.
4. I was able to go to Country Boy's grave site, even if just for a few minutes.
5. I'm finding friends in unlikely situations and places.
6. I started studying and did really well in our version of jeopardy (for the studying).
7. Roomie is helping me on my road to recovery and we are setting goals before they are even assigned for counseling homework!
8. Fake friends are dropping off while solid friends are coming to the surface because the fake friends are wearing them out too.
9. My clinical instructor is absolutely wonderful.
10. I am nearly done with one set of clinicals for the semester and my very last set of clinicals starts in about a week or two.

10 Thanksgivings

Good grief, this is post #4 today, I think. I just have so much in my brain and going on in life that I just can't help it.

Anyway, on the way to school this morning we started talking about how roomie wears a lot of make-up and she keeps forgetting to take it off at night, so she just puts more on in the morning. I challenged her to go 5 days without make-up, but I told her she could have eyeliner and mascara.

Oh man, you would have thought I asked her to sell $10,000,000 worth of drugs in a week! I then told her that if she did that, then she could challenge me to something.

Her challenge was for me to find 5 things each day that I am grateful for. It's kind of related to my self affirmations that are my counseling homework for this week.

I agreed then rattled off 5 things for yesterday.

"That was too easy! You should do 10 each day!" She said.

I replied with, "Fine! Then you have to go 10 days without make-up!"

She agreed because she has no clinicals or class for the next 3 days...

Damn it.

Regardless, I am going to stay good on my promise. So, here are my 10 thanksgiving from today:

1. Our first pediatrics test was a group test and I was put with two very smart people.
2. I finished my homework before my afternoon class because I didn't do it last night.
3. I am so very grateful I have counseling tomorrow.
4. The semester is nearly done and that means school is almost over!
5. My Roomie is spending the night at our apartment tonight. This is good because she's been house-sitting for over a week and it's been lonely and scary here alone.
6. Tomorrow I get the contact information for someone that is going to help me with legal troubles I am having.
7. I was able to "study" today with a few close friends and my Roomie helped us because she already took the course we are currently in.
8. I am grateful for Roomie because she listens to me and helps me when she can.
9. I survived today.
10. I survived my life through 2015 with all of the tragedy and complications of meeting a couple terrible guys.

Professor Troubles

At the beginning of this semester of nursing school, we (students) get schedules for each class. When these schedules are given to us, they are then our life. We have no say in when we are able to then make out lives happen because we are expected to move our life around to fit in with the professor's required schedule. This means cancelling certain life events or dropping the class if the life event is not something you can get out of. It means having to miss other classes on campus just because the nursing schedule is supposed to over-ride our life, regardless of what else is happening.

This year, my nursing school schedule is conflicting majorly with a class that I have that is required in order for me to graduate. Normally, this would be no problem. However, this class has mandatory attendance. If you don't go, you miss A LOT of points. Not cool.

My nursing class is scheduled in the morning while the other class is in the afternoon. I scheduled it this way so that there should be no conflicts. We were not warned that the nursing professor expects us to have the afternoons free after her class because she schedules several things those afternoons. Had I known this, I would have chosen a different class. But, it would be too easy for her to let us know in the scheduling period so that we could avoid making work schedules and school schedules the afternoons she plans stuff for us outside of her allotted times.

This nursing professor has so many bad comments about her from last semesters students (I live with one and talk to many of them) as well as last year's students! They went to the Dean of the nursing school and nothing got done. I am so sick of the nursing school being able to do whatever they want and be as terrible as they want, just because they are all nurses and all feel so victimized by us students. We, as students, do not ask for a lot. All we want is fair treatment and for our lives to not be required to revolve around when the nursing professors want us to come in. There are pre-planned, scheduled times that are expected for lecture and clinicals. The same is across the board for all other majors. If something is scheduled outside of those predetermined times, then it is typically done on an extra-credit basis.

Nursing school, however, is quite convinced that the universe revolves around them and they are too good to stick to the normal schedule. So, professors gladly sign US up before talking to US for things that we should not have to be required to do! We were required to go to a babysitting day for our pediatric class. It counted as clinicals, but we were just free labor and we were given the children that were "too difficult" for anyone else to handle. Clinicals are expected to be free labor, in exchange for a learning experience so that we can grow into the role of being a nurse. I get that. If the babysitting thing is thought to be helpful (it absolutely WAS NOT!), then it should be on one of our scheduled clinical days instead of a Friday night or a Saturday during the day. Simple as that.

Test reviews should be done during class time, if they are to be required. If not done during class time, then the students that are unable to go because maybe they have: jobs, or children, or another class, should be able to have a test review emailed to them so as to make it fair for everyone. Instead, I was told I could either go or miss on the information. I got the info from friends who went to the review, but it's unfair that she is giving information to those who can make it, but refuses to help those who are unable to get out of other life requirements. Not only that, she scheduled my clinical group's skills lab during the test review (and during my other class) so I am missing tons of information because she is being unreasonable and requiring attendance during times that are not her allotted times for school.

This professor is known for failing too many students that it is giving her bad marks with the school. An yet, they keep her on staff because of tenure. How did she get tenure? NOBODY KNOWS!!!

Most of our class is on clinical probation because none of us know what we are supposed to be doing because she doesn't tell us anything. Nor does she put it on the calendar so that we would have any kind of an idea that something should be due.

Well, I emailed her a few times about my scheduling problems with her class. She told me it was my responsibility to get it figured out with my other professor. This means, in no clear language, that she refuses to help me out at all. After getting that email, I emailed her supervisor. The supervisor then forwarded my email back to my professor. When she received it, I then got a scathing email from the professor telling me tht it is my responsibility to get it figured out. Okay, I already knew she was going to say that. I emailed her supervisor originally to ask to meet with the supervisor. Unfortunately, the professor and supervisor are friends. This means my life just got a whole lot more complicated.

In addition to all of that bullshit, she also confronted me in front of our entire class about the whole situation. She told me that she refuses to change the skills lab just for one person. I told her I understand that. She got mad at me for not coming in the day she told me "I guess you could come in today, but we already have 6 people in each group and you would have to talk to the instructors". I got that email 30 minutes before she expected me to show up for the impromptu lab. Ya, okay lady. She then proceeded to tell me I needed to prioritize my classes because I am "getting my bachelors in nursing and the other class should not matter."

Ha! Okay lady. I wonder how the Vice Chancellor and Chancellor of the school are going to like that little comment. Remember, I have witnesses that will go to bat for me and add in a whole slew of other fun things you've put us and previous classes through. Do not underestimate me lady. I have been pushed around by far too many people and you just so happen to be the last one to try to push me down. I am not backing down. I may lay dormant for a few months until I get my brochure. Then you better believe that I am unleashing HELL and going to ALL of your bosses with just how unprofessional you and your supervisor are. You are both unreasonable and it makes it so clear as to why we have such a nursing shortage because people refuse to go through learning under instructors like you. There are also so many nurses who refuse to be instructors because we have all had such shitty ones in the past we are scarred from ever going back to school to be able to teach.

So, don't you dare believe for one second that I will back down. You just flipped my bitch switch so get ready for a ride.

The Blows Keep Comin'

It's strange that the course of events that transpire in one day can take someone from feeling like they are finally doing better in their journey of life, and then a few moments later they can go back to feeling so defeated.

That is me today.

I thought, Great! I'm going to start working on getting legal stuff situated to help me out with these assholes who took everything from me. I am starting to believe my brain about what has actually happened and I know that legally I did what I needed to do. I am beginning to have days where I believe that the actions of these fuckers were not my fault and maybe, someday, eventually, I can possibly be okay. 

Yes, I know that "maybe, someday, eventually, and possibly" are all words that sound like I do not believe that I will be okay. That is because "being okay" is something I don't forsee happening. However, I am hopeful that I will eventually work to get a little bit better than I have been in my deepest pits of despair.

Then, I have a day like today. Nothing seems to be going right and it's only 11 in the morning! My professor is being unreasonable and covering her tracks so that her supervisors do not see any problem with her actions. Meanwhile, she takes it out on me and works on publically embarrassing me and any one of my fellow students who tries to make life fair for the rest of us or even future classes.

I still have homework that I need to complete for my next class, a test on Thursday to study for, and a million other things going on in my life.

It's one of those days where it becomes very easy to fall back into bad habits that I thought I was finally starting to grow out of.

It's one of those days that I question why I am here.

It's a day I wish I could live under a rock and not have to worry about the things that plague my life so heavily.



I've said it before, but I'm so very tired.

Being tired is not a physical state of exhaustion where you can go to sleep in hopes that life will be calmer and more clear when you wake up. It's the kind of tired where all I can seem to manage to do is lay in bed and stare at a blank wall. I don't want to deal with "friends," professors, nursing school, the stresses of what to do after graduation, wondering if I will graduate, or even worrying about eating. I find myself going through motions and not actually being present. My body is in the right place that I am supposed to be, but I no longer have a brain, thoughts, or emotions to accompany my body to it's scheduled activities.

I'm tired.

A Little Bit Stronger

This is a song title by Sara Evans about her journey towards getting to the downhill point of a break up. She is finally getting out of bed and getting ready so that she can go get on with her "normal" life. Well, this kind of describes me, but I am getting stronger. Thank you Nurse Dee for pointing it out to me in the comment I got to read today!

So do you guys remember how I had a friend go off on me after class last week in person and over text because I'm a bad friend? Well, she asked me to hang out this weekend. I was giving her short answers because I didn't want to talk, especially not to particular people at that moment. Well, she called me out for being short with her and asked if I was okay and if we were "okay". I think she presently regrets asking that...

I proceeded to ask her if she has gone to Beauty about what I was lectured on because she kept saying she was bothered by Beauty and I. So, why would she not go to Beauty and instead take it out on me? I explained that I understand where she was coming from, but that I felt like I was getting kicked while I was down because I'm going through really personal stuff right now. I told her that I try my best to put aside my own problems to be able to "be there" for friends when they are lonely, hurt, happy, or whatever else may come up, but that I need to focus on me right now. Work is also something that I had to plan in the equation and so even though she makes plans, that doesn't mean I can always shift everything around in order to hang out with people. My side was not heard or solicited and I felt completely attacked when I hadn't been deserving of that because I work really hard to be a good friend but I was getting picked on for missing one or two events she planned.

I got 5 novel length texts in response explaining to me why I was the target of this explosion. There was a "sorry, but..." which means that the apology is not legitimately an apology. She is saying sorry because she thinks that's what I want to hear, but she isn't really sorry for what she did. She's sorry that I called her out on being so rude to someone who is not really surviving right now. She's sorry I'm upset and don't want to hang out with her for awhile or maybe ever. She's sorry that she is stressed now because I'm not going to continue to back down to her the way I have for her and many of my other friends in the past. I'm over it.

I told her I forgive her, but that I need some time because I'm really hurt. I don't say "it's okay" when others apologize because what she did wasn't okay. However, I feel like telling her that I "forgive her but that I'm still hurt and need time for me" shows her that I'm not holding a grudge, what she did wasn't okay, and I now need to heal from the damage she caused.

I explained that Beauty invited me to the mall because she knew I was having a hard day and probably needed to vent and process things out loud with someone while also having a distraction available if need be. I told her I didn't want to talk about my troubles (because she is usually one to try to dig for the scoop) and that she also knows more than most people in my life (by accident... but she doesn't know it was an accident).

She concluded by telling me she doesn't believe I actually forgave her.



Well, okay. I really did forgive her. That's why I'm happier and lighter right now. I'm not stressing because this shit is on her now. I spoke my peace. I let her know she hurt me and that what she did was absolutely not okay, especially to someone in my current shoes, even though she only knows about exboyfriend and has no idea what exfiance did to me. She does know, however, fiance and I broke up. Even if a friend was going through just a simple break up, you give them SPACE!!!

C'MON PEOPLE! This is a common sense thing. Why do people think that common courtesy goes out the window when it comes to ME going through things?

Is it because I don't act all down and depressed when I'm with friends? Am I not being dramatic enough? Do they expect me to talk about everything and tell the whole world the deeply painful and incredibly intimate details of my completely broken life? What the fuck do these people want from me?

I deal with things privately and put on a face, as best I can, when I go out in public. That was how I was raised and it suits me well because I don't like people in my business. My friends may see that I'm slightly less enthusiastic and more reserved, but they don't understand me at all. They don't know that I was diagnosed with complex PTSD and that my focus and counseling homework right now is just to drink water and make sure I eat every day. In fact, they don't know I'm in counseling. Not knowing the details of my life is not their fault, I choose to keep these things to myself. It makes life easier for me, believe it or not.

Regardless, you just don't treat people the way I have been treated, despite whether they are going through anything difficult in life or not. Really, that is the basis of my frustration. Even though this friend doesn't know my full story, she does know that exboyfriend messed me up really bad and she knows he raped me. So, yelling at me for hours and hours is inexcusable. Plus, she told me she went off on me even though she's frustrated with Beauty. Again, NOT MY FUCKING FAULT! Take up your frustrations with her or figure out some other way to deal with your own shit. You don't dump it on your friend who is moments from death at every turn she takes in life.

Yes, I forgave her, but I don't have to keep her close just because I forgave her. Forgiveness sets me free (the person who was hurt) way more than it sets the offender (the friend) free.

I forgave exboyfriend. That doesn't mean you will ever see me hang out with him, but I am free from the burden on holding a grudge against him because I am letting that go so that G-d can deal with him however He sees fit. I forgave exfiance. That doesn't mean I am going to get back together with him. I forgave Country Boy. He's dead so that was also mostly for me. I forgave Roommate from last year from her and her family attacking me. I forgave my freshman year dorm roommates. I forgive lots of people. However, you will not see me with many of these people because they are toxic leeches on the tapestry of my life. Recently, my tapestry seems to be imploding and spontaneously combusting, but you still won't see them coming along in my story any longer.

This friend has met the end of her role in my story. I will still be nice to her, but I'm over bending over backwards to make sure she is happy with her social life when my physical body is riding the line between shutting down and creeping along.

Yet, the end of the story of the aforementioned people brings in a new freshness, excitement, joy, and freedom in my life. I feel like my story is beginning a new chapter. Between "telling" this friend off and telling exfiance to back off and leave me alone for the final time (hopefully) today. I'm all about trying to create boundaries. I've also sternly discussed my struggle with my brother and dad not making me priority in any way in their lives while I'm expected to drop everything for them and also listen to their incredibly long lectures about how I suck. All of these people have something in common: they all dump on me for what they get frustrated with in their relationships with other people in their life. They all take it out on me. Guess what! I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! That, my friends, is glorious. Explaining this to my friend, Dad, Brother, and exfiance is just the first baby step towards better, stronger, actually existing boundaries in my life.

I started reading Boudaries, by the way.

I'm so excited to tell my Counselor on Tuesday about everything that I've been doing this week! My homework was to drink more water, continue to eat, and take it easy because of my lack of sleep. We discussed how frustrated I got when my friend went off on me. I discussed what I had wanted to say and she asked why I didn't tell her those things. Well, it wasn't even my homework but I told her those things!!! It was completely with the help of my new Roomie. She proofread my texts to make sure I was being as objective as possible and also to make sure I was being clear enough and not beating around the bush. Yay New Roomie!

YAY ME!!!!! I have been eating better, drinking way more water, sleeping slightly better... kinda... sometimes... and I told people when they hurt me (which was a bonus).

Rebound

As you guys know, exfiance and I still talk. Since that's kind of a long name, let's call him Jacob (no, that's not his actual name). Yesterday, he went to counseling because we had a bet, he lost it, and his forfeit was to go to counseling. I believe he needed to go when he was a child but he just never did. He had trauma growing up, similar to what happened to me but also vastly different. Regardless, trauma needs counseling most of the time and he certainly does.

I guess he and his counselor talked about me and why the two of us broke up. Jacob ended up calling me last night and telling me that he believes I was never really "in love" with him because he was just a rebound and distraction from my first rape. It has occurred to me that he may have been a rebound, but I had feelings for him. However, when he continually lied to me, that's when the love dwindled away because I had been loving him for the lies, not for him actually showing me his past scars. I think he may have started as a rebound, but I developed true love for him. Having him tell me he didn't think I ever loved him hurt. It hurt a lot.

While we were going out, there were times that he would compare me to his dead wife. He would say she was pretty, but I think you're prettier. Or he would tell me what she did to calm him down or what she did that he liked. Little things they developed like a counting game with squeezing each other's hands just to let the other one know they were there and thinking about them regardless of whether they were driving, fighting, whatever. At one point, he told me he loved me probably more than his wife. I didn't think much of it and I highly doubted it, but it stuck in my mind. Last night, he told me he didn't love me nearly as much as he had loved his wife. He covered it up by saying they grew up together, knew each other for way longer, and went through much more together than he and I had. Okay, this makes sense, I guess but it hurt to hear it. I mean, who says that? I would suspect he would love her more, but you don't say that to someone! Especially someone who is barely surviving and doesn't feel loved by anyone right now, especially friends or guys.

We keep talking and venting about our counseling sessions. I don't know why, but we do. In fact, we're having deeper conversations than we did when we were dating. It's really frustrating, actually. Anywho, he asked how I have been doing. I told him the following story:

Yesterday, I started my OB class and I have been excited about this class since I started college! I absolutely love watching births and seeing pregnant women and babies and everything that has to do with moms and babies. We started watching a birth in class (a video) and my eyes started tearing up. These weren't happy tears at a baby being born, these were tears of pain because the woman had her feet in stirrups and it reminded me of my SANE exam.

The next birth video was in a birthing center and my eyes teared up again and they almost spilled over. The video ended and I watched the wall for most of it because I was on the verge of sobbing. I couldn't catch my breath, I was hyperventilating, my heart was pounding, I was sad that I don't believe I will ever have babies, and I'm disappointed I was having so many troubles in a class that I have so been looking forward to forever! I want to be a midwife for goodness sake!!!

Whew, so that video ended and I kinda kept my composure. Lecture continued and we watched a third video towards the end. This was a water birth at home. About a minute into the video, my eye were filled with tears, I was having all the symptoms that I had in the second video and the tears started spilling. I jumped from my seat (which was in the back right next to the door, thank the L-rd) and I nearly ran to the bathroom. I got in there and there were other people. I washed my hands to make it seem like I was okay, but I absolutely wasn't. Then, all of a sudden, Beauty comes walking out of a stall. I dried my hands, looked up and said "hey! it's you!" The concern on her face was evident, she asked if I was okay. I said I was fine, booked it out of that bathroom and speed walked to the bathroom in the back of the building. Oh my goodness, I lost it! I was in a stall, sitting on the toilet, trying to keep my sobs as silent as possible and cried for about 5 minutes. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop shaking, I was losing my mind and it was terrifying! I waited for the other girls to leave, emmerged from my sanctuary and washed my hands, splashed cold water on my face a few times, and composed myself enough to go back to class. I zoned out for the rest of class just so that my body could sit there to keep my friends from wondering if I was okay.



On the phone with Jacob (exfiance) later that night, I explained all of this to him. He was kinda sweet about it and the most important thing is he listens to my rambling about my lack of coping with life right now. He asked me a few questions and we got to a point where I was explaining that I haven't been sleeping more than a couple hours each night because I can't fall asleep and I keep having flashbacks about him, exboyfriend and Country Boy. We discussed Country Boy's suicide and Jacob told me that I shouldn't be sad about him committing suicide. He said that me being sad and crying about it is selfish. I know it's selfish, but at the same time I need to be able to cope with what happened because it affected me terribly. You don't tell people not to cry or be sad if something happened in their life or they had a friend/family member die! You just don't do that!!! I ended up getting really mad, but Jacob just kept talking and I kept crying.

He ended by reverting to saying that I never loved him. He said he's not mad because he knows I have been in "survival mode" (according to my counselor because of the severe PTSD). He says he's proud of me for getting good grades and continuing with school even though my brain isn't functioning properly and barely surviving right now. He told me he thinks I'm a "badass bitch" because I keep on going even though most people would be staying in bed all the time and they would have given up a long time ago. He's proud of me for not killing myself and for not cutting in a few weeks. He says he's proud of me for getting help and for dealing with all of the troubles in my life without telling people about them.

I think that's one of the hardest things to do. If you have a broken leg or some reason to get surgery, people understand you taking time to recover and build yourself back up. They usually respect your privacy and the fact you need space. They are also more likely to want to help you with food, cleaning, groceries, etc because they know you may need help. The thing with rape is, you can't tell everyone. Well, you could, but it's likely to cause you more problems than it is to help you at all. I have chosen to tell a couple friends for support, but the vast majority of the people in my life (most of my friends, bosses, professors/instructors, patients, extended family, and even my dad) have no idea what's wrong with me. They see that I'm changing, withdrawing, sad, grumpy, and all around not being myself, but they don't know why. So, they tell me to suck it up and then get angry when they are not top priority on my list. But what am I supposed to do? I was burned out with all of the needy people in my life before any of this bad stuff happened. What am I supposed to do now that it is all I can do to wake up in the morning and consider getting out of bed?

We went on to talk about one of Jacob's friends from back in the day passing away this week. He tarted talking about a bunch of other friends that had died through his life, including his "father figure" who he really looked up to. Turns out, the father figure guy had a nephew that had committed suicide about the same time Country Boy did. They both also had the same name. We realized this all for the first time last night. Jacob had helped his father figure get the kid down from his noose once he was found. So Jacob asked for a picture of Country Boy to see if it was the same kid. He was freaking out last night saying it was so creepy and weirding him out that my friend that died might have been the same guy that he helped get down after the other kid's suicide. After I sent him the picture today, he said they weren't the same kid. It's a little bit of a relief.

Jacob also found out that Country Boy ended up being buried. About a month after he had died, I went to the place where his funeral was held (after clinical that day and I was in my whites), but they told me he had been cremated. Well, turns out Jacob called the funeral home and he was told Country Boy had been buried there. Okay, looks like I'm going there to see his grave tomorrow.

Jacob and I closed the conversation with him saying he'd pray that I would be able to sleep at a decent time last night. He called back like 2 minutes later saying: "Hey, I know this is going to sound weird, these aren't my words and I don't know what I'm saying, but do you remember the guy that you told me about? You know, the one that Satan made a bet with G-d that the guy wouldn't stay good, so G-d allowed him to be tested by Satan just to see if he would stay good?"

Me: "Job?"

Him: "Yeah! Well, while I was praying, I got this feeling that you are that guy. You are being tested. Now, this is going to sound really weird and I don't understand the words, but you are supposed to stand fast with your religion. Don't give up and keep doing what you're doing"

Me: "Okay, I'll try to keep my faith."

That was it. He doesn't talk like that ever. He's been reading a devotional book he got from me based off of the Love Dare book, but it's the year-long one. It still has challenges each week, but it also has a lesson and verse for each day. I'm surprised he's still doing it. I'm even more surprised he's gone to counseling and says he's going to keep going. We'll see. I don't foresee us getting back together, ever. I feel like the L-rd told me that he will change, but I won't see the fruits of this (my) labor but the story ends well for him. I hope it ends well for me too, but I guess we'll see.


Well, y'all keep on keepin' on. Stick with the faith and know that the L-rd is working, even if you feel like your whole life is going up in smoke. G-d is working on a billion things for every one thing He lets you have a glimpse of. I believe that's true for me too. Blessings guys.

P.S.
His prayer, along with mine, actually worked. Maybe it was psychological, but I think the L-rd helped me a lot. I fell asleep within about 10 minutes of hanging up from the second phone call.

All Complaints

Guys, it feels like I just complain on here a lot. I'm terribly sorry. I can't imagine how frustrating it would be to even think about reading all of my posts that talk about pretty much the same thing each time.

With that said, I need to vent terribly.

Today, I got "yelled" at by a friend because she feels she is neglected. I went to the mall with Beauty after counseling yesterday because I needed to be around someone who knew my whole story. Well, some of it. This friend, we'll call her Jersey, heard about it and became extremely jealous. She started making snide comments to me after class, in a very passive aggressive turning straight up aggressive manner after class today.

Jersey knows the part of the story where I broke up with Exboyfriend because he raped me. She doesn't understand how bad it was, but I spilled it to her one day when I had been drinking at her house. In fact, Exfiance was there. Haha, that's kinda funny in a twisted way that doesn't make sense if I think about it in any kid of a logical sense.

Anyway, she is angry at Beauty and I because she feels like she plans everything and when Beauty or I plan anything she thinks she's not invited. Thing is, I don't do much. I go to Jersey's parties or get togethers when I can because I want to support her. Beauty and I don't plan things, we just spontaneously get together if one of us is having a bad day, we're bored, or we need help. That's it.

Jersey yelled at me after class for about 10 minutes. I tried to explain myself and she wasn't having any of it. Then she continued to yell at me over about 8 texts. I kept wanting to write pages and pages worth of stuff to explain myself to her, but I decided sweet responses would be better. No. Nothing will be better for her. I said sorry, even though it's not my fault and I invite her to whatever happens to occur in my life. She yelled at me for not being able to go to her birthday and then again for not going to the second attempt at her birthday. I don't know what I did or had going on, but maybe I'm just a flake. I don't know! I don't even know when the hell her birthday is!

I can tell you I'm sick of taking shit from others. You're mad that friends aren't hanging out with you all the time? Okay, then go fucking fix it! Go find new friends! Ask your friends out! Do something about it! I am not taking this bullshit anymore. It takes everything within me to wake up and get out of bed, especially to go to class or eat; I'm not super concerned with ensuring that all of my friends have a fulfilled social life. That's not my fucking job.

She doesn't give a shit that other people have things going on in their life. She doesn't care that my main goal right now is just to survive and not take the bottle of pills that tempts me each night, or take the razor to my skin to calm my mind down for 5 second. She doesn't understand what it's like to not sleep for weeks because of the insomnia and nightmares. She doesn't get what it's like to avoid over half of the city that I live in and take extra long routes to get places, just so that I can prevent panic attacks and severe flashbacks. SHE DOESN'T FUCKING GET IT! NOR DOES SHE CARE. Why is this? It's because she's mad she doesn't get to hang out with us all of the time.

Before class started, she invited me to her house to watch football (American football) this weekend. I told her I would think about it but why the hell would I go after she just went off on me for shit that's not my fault? Honestly, what was she thinking? I invite her to things when I do them. I understand feeling burnt out because you feel like you're the one doing all the planning. Hell, I felt like that when we first met. I made all sorts of plans the first two and a half years of nursing school. She even flaked on a lot of them by backing out last minute. Now, for the past year, she feels like she's the only one making plans. She's the only one with a house, but it's a 30 minute drive for anyone to be able to get there. There's always drama and still I go whenever I can to support her. Do the plans I made get brought up? Does she understand I'm one of 2-3 people that actually goes to her stuff? Does she consider that other people have their lives imploding in around them? No. No to all of these points.

I'm over it. I swear, if she tries to start yelling at me again I will have it out with her. She needs to understand I don't have time to be dealing with crap from anyone else, but I seem to be the one everyone chooses to dump on. I'm sick of taking shit from Brother, Dad, Mom, exroommate and her mother, exboyfriend, exfiance, and the billion other people that seem to see the "kick me" sign on my ass that I am apparently blind to. You fuck with me? You're gonna get the horns because I am absolutely tired of everyone assuming they can treat me this way. She may be the first one I go off on but you better believe this is just the beginning. I'm so over it.

Application for Graduation is IN!!!

Folks, I got an email today explaining how to apply for graduation! Yay! I'm almost done with this hell that is nursing school. Right now I'm excited. Someday soon, I will be sad I didn't do more during college.

So, I am conflicted with how to feel.

Therefore, I'll focus on the happiness. I'm nearly done with nursing school and I am on track to finish college with a degree in just a few months. Praise the L-rd for bringing me through all the days I was certain I should drop out.

ALMOST DONE!

Compassion Fatigue

I absolutely love working in the hospital. It is so great getting to work on so many floors with so many different nurses, CNA's, and other staff members. It makes clinicals so amazing because I already know everyone and I have gotten quite a few job offers of sorts.

After the incident with EXboyfriend, I had been going down the sleep slope of compassion fatigue. I feel like I care for everyone else, and I do so with all that I have in my heart, but nobody cares for me. Everyone demands so much of me but nobody is willing to shoulder any of my burden, they won't even listen about my burden. So, I am getting increasingly more isolated (even from "close" friends and family) and yet everyone is demanding more and more from me.

I get it, everyone has their own problems and everyone needs help. I totally understand. However, why does it seem okay for everyone to just expect everything from me? Often without even asking if I'm willing to do things, they just assume that I will be available because apparently I have no life and no needs of my own.

• I don't have weekend plans so I can drive my 5 different friends who are on 5 completely different flights to the airport that is 2 and a half hours away, on a Friday night and Saturday morning, no less. 
• Sure, I will pay attention in class while you screw around on Pinterest in the back and then give you a play-by-play of exactly what happened in class and every important piece in information you need to know. 
• Sure, I will puppy sit all the puppies and not have any chance at a relaxing weekend or any chance at sleeping in. 
• Sure, I will be forced to make all the decisions for my school group and friend group and then be criticized at every turn because what I finally chose doesn't work for anyone but nobody else has a fucking idea of what they want to do. 

Because I have no life. I'm not allowed to have personal time where I don't have to be fake for anyone so that everyone can live in the illusion that I am okay because they can't handle me not being okay.

I'm not allowed to be selfish for one second. I have to take care of patients who need complete, total care and deal with nurses and CNA's who sometimes don't step foot in the room because the patient needs a sitter so I should be able to completely handle the patient all night long, alone.

I have to keep my shit together, not have any kind of support from anyone, be able to support everyone around me, and slap on a smile so that nobody knows what's going on in my dungeon of a mind.


So, I fight a battle nobody knows about. I have scars nobody has seen and nobody can ever understand. I am completely alone in this world carrying burdens that nobody will help me with. I carry pain with me that nobody can comprehend and I fight for every breath I take. I cry when I'm alone because for the first time in about 6 months, I am finally able to and sometimes I just need to feel something instead of the rage growing inside of me and the numbness from being completely unable to handle any of the immense troubles that weigh down every step I try to take. I am being crushed. I am being consumed absolutely alive by flames while simultaneously drowning and I get no relief anywhere or from anyone.


Oh, so this all led me to quit my job. I have to finish out another two months, or so, but I sent in my resignation letter to my boss last night during my shift. I don't know if I'll be able to be a nurse because I can't even take care of my own basic needs like sleeping or eating properly. How am I supposed to care for anyone else? My heart feels so empty anymore, I don't know if I have the capacity to care for anyone else anymore.

That was my news. Saying that I quit my job was the original purpose of this post but I went a little crazy... I'm sorry guys.

Sleep Disturbances

Let's start off by discussing how precious sleep it so me. First of all, I sleep an absolutely ridiculous amount. This is because of depression, I work nights, and it is my drug of choice when life is getting too hard and I need to escape. Lately, life is very difficult, I worked last night, and depression is probably at an all time high and the longest duration I think I've ever had it in my life. Therefore, I require a lot of sleep.

Oh, an I'm in nursing school. If you are not in nursing school but plan to be, just know that some of your vacations will be spent sleeping because you get NONE during school, especially if you work and go to school and ever want to see any other human being while you are in the program. Get used to living with coffee running as the fluids in your vasculature, blood is now overrated.

Did I mention I worked last night? Before work, I typically sleep from noon until about 5:30 so that I can get sleep before work so I will not be dozing off during my shift. Seeing as I sit in a dark room with a patient I am trying to get to sleep, but I need to not sleep, this nap is crutial to me keeping my job! Yesterday I got to sleep around 2, slept for about an hour before getting woken up. Oh the rage. Words do injustice to the anger coursing through my body after being woken up. I get grumpy anyway when I'm woken up. HOwever, when I am woken up after it was incredibly difficult to fall asleep, and it took another 45 minutes to get me back to sleep in the middle of the day, I was furious. I was woken up so that the dog could come and jump on my bed because roommate does not like her being alone when she leaves. The dog is fine alone, we leave her completely alone for hours and hours during the day when we have stuff to do, she will be fine for a couple of hours while I sleep so that I can work.

Today I had to go run errands before coming home after my shift. I waited at both of the stores I needed to go to because I got to both of them before opening time because I got off at a terrible hour in the morning and nobody should be up that early. I tried for the rest of the day to lay down and take a nap after that, but I just couldn't do it. I finally got to sleep around 4 then the damned dog came in 30 minutes later whining to go out. Exasperation consumed every atom that makes up my being and I woke up to take the dog out. After 15 minutes of her sniffing around, she still hadn't gone to the bathroom at all! Oh my goodness! I was so beyond pissed. I brought her back in and told her to go to her kennel. So pissed!!! It took another 30 minutes to go back to bed (keep in mind I've been up for about 24 hours with no sleep and that makes me incredibly grumpy anyway) but having sleeping problems makes it worse. I get to sleep, stay asleep for about an hour and a half and wake up to roommate asking me to wake up to come pick up a bug she killed in her room. Yeah. I absolutely adore this girl, but the lack of sleep I'm getting is making my depression get exponentially worse by the hour and so my life is getting darker and gloomier by the moment. At this point, I am about to lose my shit because I was woken up from my very short nap to pick up a FUCKING BUG!

Please excuse the bad words, I need a little chesed (grace) because there is a lot of anger in my heart and the lack of sleep is contributing to the addition of more and more grumpiness as each day passes.

These two incidences, plus getting woken up because the dog starts barking and playing around when she gets home and the volume in the apartment raising to extremely high levels, typically once I am down for a much needed nap. In addition, being woken up at 0600 on my fucking days off so the dog can eat a treat on my bed and snuggle for a solid 3 seconds before roommate leaves, I am so beyond past my level of being ticked off. I'm also not supposed to sleep as much as required by my depression because seeing me only come out of my room to pee and eat occasionally, because I am sleeping the rest of the time, makes her worried and I made her cry because of that.

I need sleep! That's all I want. I want to sleep in a bed where the dog doesn't keep peeing in it. I want to sleep in on my days off when the apartment will be silent and I can maybe catch up on sleep without roommate worrying about me because she won't be there during the day. I want to sleep before work and know that I can get a decent nap in before work without getting woken up. I want to be able to sleep after my 12 hour long night shift because I am stressed and exhausted, without getting woken up by barking by an excited dog, barking and whining because the dog is bored and wants to go outside to sniff around, and other things that wake me up unnecessarily because I haven't slept in a very long time. ALL I WANT IS SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so at my whits end with life, it's just not even funny.

Add all of these things to the recurring nightmares and strange, vivid dreams I keep having about exboyfriend, Country Boy, and fiance and my life is getting very little sleep, let alone restful sleep.

Irony About ER Screenings

I don't know about you, but at the hospitals I do clinicals at (there are three), the ER and most floors have a screening for domestic violence, self-harm, suicide ideation, and depression. The questions are simple:

1. Do you feel safe at home?
2. Do you feel safe in your relationship?
3. Are you depressed or feel down?
4. Do you harm yourself?
5. Do you ever wish that you would die or try to kill yourself?

Little questions like that are considered a screening. Now, they are kinda trick questions. By this, I mean that if you answer any of them wrong, then the proper authorities have to be informed and then your life is about to get a whole lot more stressful. If you say that you harm yourself or have thought about/tried to kill yourself, you now get to be under a 72 hour M1 hold in the hospital with the company of a sitter who watches your every move, every moment of the day (even when you use the bathroom). You then also have that in your chart and on your record. If you say you do not feel safe at home or in your relationship, then you might have the police come in and chat with you or child protective services come do a whole long investigation. Yikes.

I have been thinking a lot about this since having been in the ER as a patient and as a student nurse. We ask these questions, thinking they will be a help in some shape or form, but are they really? How easy is it to answer "no" to these questions when your heart is screaming "yes" (or vice versa, depending on the question) just because you know what will happen or you are scared to admit any of these things to yourself? When I went in, I answered appropriately to all questions to avoid the outcomes that would result upon answering any of them "incorrectly". After the assault, I was majorly depressed, I wished that G-d would allow me to die, and the temptation to begin self-harm again was at an all-time high. However, I knew that saying any of these things in the hospital would result in me actually being admitted to the hospital for a few days so that they can see if you're emotionally and mentally able to be released out into the world. So, what good do these questions really do? I have seen so many nurses go into a room and not ask these questions to the patients because the nurse felt it was unnecessary to do so.

In my last med/surg clinical group, my instructor brought up a good point about getting help for depression and suicide: there aren't really great systems to get help. If you go somewhere and say you're depressed and struggling to not hurt/kill yourself, people will lock you away, then you learn to not seek help for your emotional struggles which will likely lead to suicide. If you go somewhere to talk to a counselor, professor, or whomever else you choose to confide your struggles to, you can explain your symptoms of depression, but leave out that you are struggling to stay alive, but then you cannot receive the help you truly need because you have one of the deepest, darkest secrets that will eat a hole right through you until you either end up dying, or you somehow find hope to survive long enough to get out of the depression.

For me, the depression lasts years. I don't go anywhere for help because counseling didn't work in the past, I know what happens if you say the wrong thing and I'm scared of going through that, friends don't know how to support me when I can't figure out how to be happy, and nobody understands, they think I'm being dramatic and a whiner. So, I live with the knowledge of the things I've done, I wear the scars, and I battle with myself daily. When friends ask what is wrong, they usually persist in the beginning of the friendship to figure out what is happening in my mind, once they find out, they stop asking and I stop telling. This usually causes big rifts and eventually we move on from each other. Yet, I am still saddled with the constant war, fatigue, struggles to remain alive, sleeping for several days straight to escape without dying, distracting myself when I feel so numb that I know hurting myself would at least offer a chance at coming back to reality and feeling something, and I deal with it all by myself because people don't stick around once they get a glimpse of the darkness they tried so hard to uncover.

That's probably one of the hardest things to deal with: losing friends because they don't feel close if you don't tell them every single thing that runs through your brain, but once they figure out what you deal with then they no longer want anything to do with you. I end up feeling used, hurt, sad, angry, more depressed, and I deal with a lot of guilt because they tell me how hard it is to watch me and listen to me go through my depression cycles. I've watched a lot of people cry at my expense because of that and I am about to lose another roommate because of that.

In my defense, I try to keep it a secret and keep it at bay. Pretending to be happy and carefree is not all that hard, but my face doesn't keep secrets at all and so they start digging. It happens every time I get a friend and we start to get close. Going through this just makes me want to stay superficial with everyone I meet because they like me when it's just a "hey, how are you?" kind of friendship. Unfortunately, girls don't really stand around and bullshit like guys do, they want to explore feelings, family life, and other happenings that involve deeper levels of intimacy. And so, the cycle continues and it pushes me deeper and deeper into my pit. I keep more secrets from everybody, and I refuse to trust anyone because everybody lies.

So, that is where I am and what I've been thinking about for several months now. Something needs to be done in this country to fix the "suicide prevention" system that is currently in place because there are an awful lot of suicides and even more suicidal people out there and nobody seems to be getting much help where they feel safe to share what's truly going on in their minds. I want to change things, but I don't even know where to begin. Maybe it could prevent deaths like Country Boy's, maybe he could have had a better chance.

Senior Year Kinda Sucks...

All through nursing school I was looking forward to this year, my last year as a nursing student. Turns out, it SUCKS!

On my own personal, very mean note, I do not like the people in my class. At my school, there is a whole cohort (the whole group of people you will graduate with) and then those people are divided into two groups so that one group can be doing med/surg 4 while the other does peds/ob and then we switch. I do not like the people in my group/class and I am going to be with them for the rest of the year while I don't get to see all of my favorite people because they are in peds/ob without me. That happened because I am completing this degree faster than most of them so they have more credits meaning they get to sign up for classes before me. Please forgive this bit of whining but I am at my whits end with the people in my class. Many of them are the ones I avoided on purpose last year and so I took the classes they were not in order to not have to be in class with them. So, it does not help that I show up to class grumpy and leave angry each day simply because of personality clashes.

Now, on top of everything, it turns out that senior year is just about writing a billion papers that are essentially our thesis papers for each class. My current med/surg professor had us fill out a bunch of worksheets and pick out an upwards of 6 articles. She then went through all of them, approved/declined many of the articles, and is having us resubmit them to her for grading. She is overwhelmed with the amount of work she has to do and we are all frustrated because we can't move on with the rest of the assignment until she grades our stuff. However, she doesn't have time to look at our stuff before the paper due date so we have been shot in the foot and forced to do the impossible. So, I have been told that she is worried I will fail the paper because the articles I chose are not acceptable but she is not helping any of us or making it possible for us to have success because we don't have enough time!!! It's the worst, vicious cycle of paper writing I have ever been a part of and I am at about level 87 of stress on a scale of 1 to 10. THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

So, senior year sucks. I am glad we only have a couple more weeks of this crap before we move on to the next class of this semester. It's Community Health which I'm not excited about, at all, but I like the teacher and she is reasonable so I hope it will be tolerable.

The Break

In lieu of LOTS of recent fights with the fiance, I suggested a break. I learned a couple of things today: 1) many of us, including myself, do not believe in breaks (I knew this before but right now, I feel it is appropriate) 2) there are great misunderstandings between genders as to what a "break" in a relationship is.

Do you guys watch Friends? I hope you do, it's a delightful show. Anyway, Ross and Rachel start dating and they start having a lot of problems. Rachel decides she needs a break. To her, this means they simply do not talk for awhile. For Ross, a break means that the relationship is on pause but it is like a break-up so he can now go see/sleep with other people. And so he does... and then Rachel is devastated and hurt and angry. This whole fiasco is simply because of the differences in understanding between genders.

To me, a break is where the relationship is still intact, but the couple is simply not talking to each other for a time so that they can hopefully both do some thinking and reevaluating. To fiance, a break means that we are broken up. I cleared the air and explained what I was actually wanting in addition to calling it a break but he got all sorts of upset and angry because he thought I was breaking up with him (for the third time). Now, I get why he would be hurt, especially with it being the third time, but I feel like I was clear when I told him what I was expecting a break to be and what I needed from this time. After the air was clear and he was understanding that we are simply not talking for a few days/weeks we hung up the phone and that was that.

Not even 5 hours later, and as I was writing this post in rage, he called. The terms of the break was that I would call him when I have thought about my stuff and after I was ready to talk to him whenever that happened to be in the next few weeks. He called and told me he couldn't live without me. It's going to take some time for him to prove that to me because I am tired of not being treated right. However, I move forward with cautious optimism. I pray that our relationship works, but I know that I am strong and self-sufficient and I do not need a man. They are a blessing, and we learn a lot by being tied to another human being in such a way as marriage, but being single has it's blessings too.

Interesting turn of events, I really wasn't expecting any of that. I was literally just about to start on the last paragraph (starting with: "not even 5 hours later"; but it wasn't going to be written to start out that way...) and he called.

Y'all, please pray for me and pray for fiance. We need tender hearts to be able to serve each other and listen to the L-rd. We both need the L-rd, desperately.

Meanwhile, I could desperately use a break from school. I am beyond stressed out, my days are running together, and I have so many assignments due all the time! I ended up dropping my sexual assault class because I was getting nightmares and flashbacks. Needless to say, the Professor and Dean approved the dropping of the course. So, I now have more time!

New Roommate is so absolutely supportive. She listened to me rant and rave and be sad and depressed and angry and everything for about 2-3 hours today. She just sits there and listens and encourages me. She knows everything that has happened, watches me when I can't leave my bed for days on end, and she still has such a tender spot to try to help me through all of this by allowing me to ask her for what I need her to do. Oftentimes, I simply ask her to listen. Sometimes I ask her for advice and she helps to "nurse" me back to being semi-mentally healthy by helping me find ways to stay busy, encouraging me to spend time out of the house doing activities I enjoy, making sure I am eating and she even assessed my self-harm ideation status because she knows I've had a rough past, even though she didn't know how rough until she asked if I had ever had those thoughts. I am almost certain she has no idea I have tried to kill myself on several occasions back in 8th grade. Guys, she is so sweet and tender and I don't want to ruin her with my cynicism and anger at the world and at life. However, I am so beyond grateful for the way G-d has allowed her and I to meet each others needs when we both needed roommates and how we've been able to pour into each others lives with the love and G-dly advice only Believers can give to each other. Now, she is Catholic and I am Messianic Jewish, but we serve the same G-d and believe in the same Messiah. We are called to love each other and that is certainly what I plan to do because I absolutely adore her!