Transitional Nursery Day

Today's post is happy. It's about my day in the "transitional nursery" for OB clinicals.

Well, I spent about an hour in the nursery where I watched one baby, did a couple assessments for the nurse because she couldn't leave said baby, and then I sent a UA down to the lab for a tox screen. That was it.

I then got called down to go to a C-section!!! The "baby nurse" that I was following around does not actually go to c-sections, they leave that for the NICU team, but she does attend vaginal deliveries. Since there wasn't really anything going on, my nurse called my instructor and asked if it would be okay if I went to the OR to watch. Yay! It doesn't matter how many births I see, I still love them all and I can't wait to be in a position where I may even be able to be a nurse in that setting.

Watched that, then followed the baby to the PACU where my nurse was chillin' and helped with the assessment, got to teach the dad of the baby how to put sweeties (sugar water) on his finger and let his baby suck it off to relieve the baby's pain as I gave shots! I loved that! He was so excited that she was sucking so strongly and he enjoyed getting to see what it feels like when baby is sucking on mom. Plus, he was able to soothe baby through painful procedures which made him feel like he was contributing to care instead of just a by-stander.

I'm excited about it because I talked to him like a Real Nurse would talk to a dad! I had all the confidence in the world, asked him to go wash his hands and taught him how to stimulate the baby's suck reflex. He asked what the little cup of liquid was and I told him they were sweeties. He asked what that was and I told him it's basically sugar water and it provides pain relief for the baby during painful procedures since babies are so sensitive to sugar. It was a short, clean response that he seemed satisfied with and I answered it nicely and I think that encouraged him to continue to ask questions! There was a new nurse training with my nurse and when she answered questions for him, he seemed like he felt a little bit offended like he was being talked down to.

Now, that might by my biased opinion because she talked down to me regularly, but maybe it wasn't. Learning point for when I'm a nurse though is answer kindly to all questions. I try my best to do that with colleagues, instructors, doctors (even when they're not nice), patients, and all people in all aspects of life (working, clinicals, and real life). I feel like people ask me a lot of questions and if I don't know the answer, I go research it. However, I generally have an idea when I am at the hospital, of what to say. Sometimes I ask my nurse to help answer so I can get better wording, but sometimes that's not even an option. I pray that people will feel comfortable to ask me questions when I am a nurse and I also pray that I have a general idea as to what the answer is.

Shortly after that baby was born and mom came back to the PACU too, my nurse got a call to go to a vaginal delivery! Yay! Another birth! There were actually two that were supposed to be happening back to back. While we were in with one baby and working on assessing that baby, the other baby was born a minute later. Goodness, it's like all three made sure to all come at once. Now that I think about it, that's how it usually happened when I was shadowing the past couple of summers too. Baby's must come in threes, or at least all at the same time just like old people die in threes... It's just a weird phenomenon that seems to happen on a regular basis.

Regardless, I got to see both of those births, help with 3 rounds of shots and eye ointment administration, and help with a baby's first bath. So exciting! Plus, I've seen about 4 full, head-to-toe newborn assessments and they've really helped me become more comfortable with them.

The other girls in my group are upset with the amount of things I've seen compared to them. Honestly, I've seen a lot but I feel like the L-rd is the One orchestrating all of these amazing opportunities to see things that I am really interested in. It seems like He's preparing me to work in this field. I also think He's giving me so many blessed days so that I can start to have happy days again.

I went to counseling yesterday and read to her my huge long laundry list of good things that happened since our last session two weeks ago (because of the snow day) and she told me I seemed so happy. She said she was proud of me for standing up for myself against Jersey, blocking exfiance, and she saw how excited and glad I was about such a fantastic first day at clinicals. G-d blessed me with all of the experiences I needed to be able to learn the life lessons my counselor is encouraging me through like standing up for myself with Jersey and other friends.

We had just talked about that and then G-d gave me the opportunity to fix it. We talked about coloring at counseling and I came home to my roomie giving me an "adult" coloring book as a belated Hanukkah present! We talked about me being more assertive this week and I ended up voicing my opinions, in a nice way, in order to make my needs known. I'm learning the lessons He wants me to learn. Yes, I'm way late on a lot of them, but I feel like He's working on me. Then, when He knows I'm at my wits end with life and I'm way too sad to go on, He gives me amazing days where I can't help but be in awe of how amazing He is for providing me with these experiences.

I hope these other girls in my group will get to see a bunch of great procedures and have a ton of experiences, I truly do because I know I get excited about it and maybe they would enjoy it too! However, I pray that the L-rd continues to bless me with getting to see so many incredible things and I pray He puts me in the right place, at the right time, with the right people in order to continue to have amazing days for the rest of my nursing school career. I pray these things for the rest of my life too!

Oh L-rd, put me in the right place, at the right time, with the right people to be able to live and experience and amazing rest of my life!

My official counseling homework assignments are:

1. Make a list of needs and wants that I have for my life, not caring what anyone else wants or thinks I need.
2. Figure out how to stop only surviving and begin thriving.

The first one, I can do. The list is probably going to be pretty long, but I think that makes a little bit of sense. I'll probably end up sharing it on here just so you guys can see it.

Now, for the second one, I don't even know where to begin or what it means. I know what it kinda means, but it's not like I got step-by-step instructions on how to get from survival mode to begin thriving. My counselor asked me to think of a time I was thriving. Thing is, I don't know that I ever have. Maybe freshman year of college or sophomore year before Country Boy died? Even then, I don't remember "thriving" except when I was maybe 2. Maybe. I don't know, whatever. I'll think about it.


Anyway, y'all have a wonderful day, or week. I keep posting each day or every other day so you'll probably hear from me soon.

Selfish by Choice

School started last week but these first two weeks are all sorts of janky. My typical schedule for classes and life will not begin until next Monday but I'm totally okay with that.

I had counseling again yesterday. She told me I'm not strong enough to go over the really hard stuff yet, so we started working on coping strategies... That's solid. I kept losing my mind between last week's session and yesterday but it turns out that the coping techniques I was accidentally using through the week are actually legit coping techniques that are taught in counseling. Walking/sitting outside, warm/cold water, etc. I begin coloring at my next session.

I told my counselor how hard my first OB class was with the birthing videos. I had also nearly started crying during my skills lab for OB because we had to do vaginal exams to check dilation and that is apparently a HUGE trigger for me, along with damn near everything else. With this in mind, I was advised to take a semester off. I told her that is not an option because I want to be done with nursing school and I want to graduate with my friends. Once she realized that I am not going to budge on this, we made a plan for me to start going twice a weeks (in a couple weeks because she is crazy busy with her life too!). Then, we'll spend a lot of time working on coping methods so that I can get through OB and then begin to work on my tough stuff before I graduate and move and she graduates.

I guess we'll see where that gets us.

Exfiance texts me after my sessions asking what we talked about in my session. I normally keep it pretty under wraps when I was with my last counselor and then also with my new one. Yesterday, I was just not having his bullshit at all. He asked what we talked about and I told him I didn't want to talk about it. He told me he hates when I keep stuff from him. Well, Fucker, you lost that privalage when you decided to lie to me all the time, disregard my refusal for you to use my body however the hell you felt like using it, and I took it away when I broke up with you. Alright? So no, you do not get to make me feel guilty if you think I might be keeping stuff from you. I am because we are no longer together and you kept everything from me! Don't give me this shit.

So, after not talking with him yesterday, he texted me today to ask if I would "finally tell him why I was mad yesterday." I wasn't mad yesterday, I just didn't want to talk about it with him because it's not of his fucking business. It never should have been because I have trauma that is only my business that he doesn't need to know about. He can support me working through it without forcing me to tell him every damn detail. I told him something along those lines and reminded him of all the lies and information he kept from me and all of the double standards he kept for what I was supposed to do/tell him as opposed to what he did/told me. He didn't like that but I'm learning to stand up for myself. It's starting with him and my family then I will work on my friends. I'm sick of taking shit and I'm so over worrying about everyone else when NOBODY concerns themselves with what I may need/want/etc.

Therefore, I'm working on being intentionally selfish for a season.

Mental Illness

Today I read a post/article about having friends and loved ones that struggle with mental illness.

11 Things Those Who Love A Person With Mental Illness Should Know

I actually found it so helpful and true that I sent it to fiance, but I so wished I could send it to all of my friends and family.

I was going through Pinterest one night at work because I was sad and sometimes it helps me to go through the depression posts on Pinterest because it lets me know that what I experience and think isn't isolated to just myself. It also helps me put words to my tendencies and feelings because sometimes it's hard to describe what I'm going through and what is happening in my head to other people.

Through this search, I found that I am not the only one that goes through isolation because their friends start asking what's wrong and they keep digging. This digging then leads to them asking me to stop talking to them about what is happening in my head because they can't handle the fraction of a percent of the darkness I share with them. I'm not alone in this. Apparently, it happens quite frequently.

So, just a note to those of you who have friends and family (everybody): don't ask if you aren't prepared to actually help and continue to hear about the darknesses and struggles in the lives of those around you. I keep having friends who see me struggling and they think they can somehow help me. Guys, I've struggled with this most of my life and I have not come across a person or thing that can help me yet. G-d helps a lot, but life happens and my head gets messed up again. That's just how it works. However, I am sick of friends and family thinking they can save me, but after a little bit, they realize they can't even deal with my struggles and so they leave me or ask me to stop talking to them. This is absolutely devastating to me and to the others that go through this.

1. Don't get close and ask people questions if you are not entirely prepared to be able to stick with them and truly help them. They deal with their darkness just fine without you, they've likely done it for a long time. 
2. Don't ask them questions, give them hope of having support, and then ditch them when you start to hear just a little bit of what they have to deal with. That's cruel.
3. Don't think that they be "fixed" by something you do. 
4. Don't give them unsolicited advice. They know what to do, they know what works best for them. It's not good to tell them (us) what to do because you don't live our life. You have a friend with chronic major depression and you have gone through a slight bout of depression? That doesn't mean you know how to "fix" this for them. Everyone goes through their mental illnesses in unique ways. You can absolutely be there for them and give advice if they ask, but don't tell them what to do.
5. Don't ask them why they don't take meds, go to the doctor, or go to therapy. Professional help is good, but don't tell us what to do, that can make us shut down and when we don't do what you tell us to do, we know you're more likely to ditch us anyway.
6. Don't force them to talk if they don't want to talk. Chances are, they've been burned before so they are wary of opening up to anyone else because they have seen the ugliness that that brings about in your life and theirs. So, i they don't want to talk, then don't force it.
7. Don't dig. This goes along the same lines as the last one. But if they say they are fine and you know it's a lie, just leave it. I know that personally, it is easier to deal with my darkness alone and not fess up to being upset, than it is to say I'm having a bad day and then have to explain it to whoever asked.
8. Don't use them. Don't use them as an excuse. Don't overextend them just because you know they will help, this can make depression and a whole host of other mental illnesses worse for the sufferer. Don't use them as an example. Just don't.
9. Don't tell them to just get over it. No, we cannot just "get over it". If we could, don't you think we would have? Living with mental illness is not something we enjoy, it's way harder for us than it is for you to watch us, I promise.
10. Don't think we don't know it's hard for you. I've watched people struggle with mental illness and it's rough. I understand wanting to help them but not knowing how. I know what it is like to wish that they were back to their normal self, the person that I adore and know. 
11. Don't play the victim. It may be hard for you to hear what we go through, but you don't have to live it and you're only hearing and seeing a tiny bit of what occurs in our heads.
12. Don't take their moods personally. Sad days are going to happen regardless of whether you are there or not. Just accept that we will have bad days that have nothing to do with you even if we are with you all day.
13. Don't call them crazy. That's just mean. We aren't crazy, we are just have brains that don't control their hormones at proper levels so then we have "off" days. We aren't crazy.
14. Don't assume they don't know how to handle their mental illness. Oftentimes, they've dealt with their problems for a long time. Even if they haven't, they will find ways that help them or other ways that may make them worse.
15. Sometimes, just sometimes, it's okay to let them have a bad day. It's okay, it's going to happen. Even if they seem like they've been getting better, bad days will happen again. Occassionally, it's alright to just let them happen. Make sure they are safe, without digging or hurting their feelings, and then ask them if they want company or to talk. Ask them if you can help in someway. If they say no, don't take it personally. If they say yes, be prepared for tough stuff and make sure you stick around and support them how they need.
16. Don't make excuses to stay away from them. Are you finding yourself having a rough time dealing with what they are telling you? Don't just ditch them and don't bullshit your way out of spending time with them. You can be honest with them that what they are experiencing is difficult. Let them know that you cannot imagine going through what they are going through. Then, most importantly, reassure them that you won't leave them, no matter how hard it might be for you. Most importantly, keep the promise that you won't leave them by not leaving them. That doesn't mean stay with them 24/7, but just maintain the friendship and keep talking with them.
17. Don't act weird around us, we're people too. We have feelings and personalities and we are usually fantastic to get to know! We might just have difficulties with brain chemistry or something. Be patient with us and remember who we are on our good days.
18. Be patient. There are days when I don't get out of bed all day except to pee. I actually have had weekends where I sleep for a solid 3-4 days except for peeing. Leave us be and we will come out when we are ready. Sometimes we need to do other stress relieving things. I happen to take drives. I'll drive for hours to clear my head, be alone, and also listen to music. That's okay, let us do that if it helps. Sometimes I walk around stores for hours on end, just wandering. Sometimes playing piano helps or certain types of crafts. Occasionally, just being able to veg out with a children's movie is enough to help me through some of the bad times. Just let it be and we will ask for help or company when we are ready.
19. Know that we value you. We understand that we are hard to be around, hard to be friends with, and difficult to love. We really do, I promise. Stick around because we appreciate you getting to know us in the first place and we would love for you to stick around with us. Hug us (after you ask if you can) if we seem to be having a hard time. We may not always verbalize it, but thank you for being with us through our ups and downs.
20. Take care of yourself too. If we are saying things that stress you out, make sure you get some stress relief for yourself. Please, don't share our stories with others unless we tell you that you can. But make sure to take care of yourself so that the temptation to leave us is not as strong and you don't get burned out from being friends with us. We love you, we worry about you too which is why we usually don't want to share our burdens with you. We know it's a lot and we don't want to dump the heaviness in our hearts and the darkness in our minds onto you.

A lot of these are kind of duplicates but I find it important for people to know. Mental illness can sometimes make us blunt, or difficult, or sensitive, or numb, or any number of combinations of strange traits. Mostly, you help us just by being with us, even when you don't say anything. My friends know I love coloring and watching kid movies when I'm having bad days. So, they break out the coloring books and turn on a kid movie to help me out. Other times, they walk me around the mall and have lunch with me while keeping their side of the conversation going so that I don't have to be the one to talk when my head is in a major fog. Still other times, they let me go home and sleep, then send me funny videos and pictures on Facebook. All of these little things help me know that they see me struggling, but they respect me enough to meet me where I'm at and they let me call the shots with how I cope with the situation at that time. This is so important to me and I appreciate it more than they will ever understand.

Never Thought I Would Be Here

Since the break-up, SANE exam, and various other stressful events that have recently taken place in my life, I have been encouraged to start seeing a counselor. I went for the first day today and it was more of a "screening" to see what therapist that would fit my needs the best.

I was classified as a crisis.

Due to this, I have bypassed the wait list and will have at least 6 sessions before I am re-evaluated to determine if I need more intensive therapy or if I have been making enough progress.

I am now in therapy.

My nursing school also has drives for supplies, food, and toiletries for different organizations and causes. Recently, they started a drive for toiletries for the local sexual assault organization that I had been talking with for counseling and help through this whole process of the SANE exam and various other issues related to the assault.

I cannot escape this and the memories and flashbacks!

I opened up my Facebook today and was met with a video titled: "This Man Logged On To Facebook And His Rapist Appeared Under 'People You May Know'" Granted, I was already friends with EXboyfriend, but I cannot outrun this event that happened in my life.

For the past several days, I have spent my time coloring in children's coloring books and watching Veggie Tales. I spent $60 to buy all three seasons of Veggie Tales from Amazon... but that's beside the point.

Deep breath.

Deep breath.

Deep breath.