Mental Illness

Today I read a post/article about having friends and loved ones that struggle with mental illness.

11 Things Those Who Love A Person With Mental Illness Should Know

I actually found it so helpful and true that I sent it to fiance, but I so wished I could send it to all of my friends and family.

I was going through Pinterest one night at work because I was sad and sometimes it helps me to go through the depression posts on Pinterest because it lets me know that what I experience and think isn't isolated to just myself. It also helps me put words to my tendencies and feelings because sometimes it's hard to describe what I'm going through and what is happening in my head to other people.

Through this search, I found that I am not the only one that goes through isolation because their friends start asking what's wrong and they keep digging. This digging then leads to them asking me to stop talking to them about what is happening in my head because they can't handle the fraction of a percent of the darkness I share with them. I'm not alone in this. Apparently, it happens quite frequently.

So, just a note to those of you who have friends and family (everybody): don't ask if you aren't prepared to actually help and continue to hear about the darknesses and struggles in the lives of those around you. I keep having friends who see me struggling and they think they can somehow help me. Guys, I've struggled with this most of my life and I have not come across a person or thing that can help me yet. G-d helps a lot, but life happens and my head gets messed up again. That's just how it works. However, I am sick of friends and family thinking they can save me, but after a little bit, they realize they can't even deal with my struggles and so they leave me or ask me to stop talking to them. This is absolutely devastating to me and to the others that go through this.

1. Don't get close and ask people questions if you are not entirely prepared to be able to stick with them and truly help them. They deal with their darkness just fine without you, they've likely done it for a long time. 
2. Don't ask them questions, give them hope of having support, and then ditch them when you start to hear just a little bit of what they have to deal with. That's cruel.
3. Don't think that they be "fixed" by something you do. 
4. Don't give them unsolicited advice. They know what to do, they know what works best for them. It's not good to tell them (us) what to do because you don't live our life. You have a friend with chronic major depression and you have gone through a slight bout of depression? That doesn't mean you know how to "fix" this for them. Everyone goes through their mental illnesses in unique ways. You can absolutely be there for them and give advice if they ask, but don't tell them what to do.
5. Don't ask them why they don't take meds, go to the doctor, or go to therapy. Professional help is good, but don't tell us what to do, that can make us shut down and when we don't do what you tell us to do, we know you're more likely to ditch us anyway.
6. Don't force them to talk if they don't want to talk. Chances are, they've been burned before so they are wary of opening up to anyone else because they have seen the ugliness that that brings about in your life and theirs. So, i they don't want to talk, then don't force it.
7. Don't dig. This goes along the same lines as the last one. But if they say they are fine and you know it's a lie, just leave it. I know that personally, it is easier to deal with my darkness alone and not fess up to being upset, than it is to say I'm having a bad day and then have to explain it to whoever asked.
8. Don't use them. Don't use them as an excuse. Don't overextend them just because you know they will help, this can make depression and a whole host of other mental illnesses worse for the sufferer. Don't use them as an example. Just don't.
9. Don't tell them to just get over it. No, we cannot just "get over it". If we could, don't you think we would have? Living with mental illness is not something we enjoy, it's way harder for us than it is for you to watch us, I promise.
10. Don't think we don't know it's hard for you. I've watched people struggle with mental illness and it's rough. I understand wanting to help them but not knowing how. I know what it is like to wish that they were back to their normal self, the person that I adore and know. 
11. Don't play the victim. It may be hard for you to hear what we go through, but you don't have to live it and you're only hearing and seeing a tiny bit of what occurs in our heads.
12. Don't take their moods personally. Sad days are going to happen regardless of whether you are there or not. Just accept that we will have bad days that have nothing to do with you even if we are with you all day.
13. Don't call them crazy. That's just mean. We aren't crazy, we are just have brains that don't control their hormones at proper levels so then we have "off" days. We aren't crazy.
14. Don't assume they don't know how to handle their mental illness. Oftentimes, they've dealt with their problems for a long time. Even if they haven't, they will find ways that help them or other ways that may make them worse.
15. Sometimes, just sometimes, it's okay to let them have a bad day. It's okay, it's going to happen. Even if they seem like they've been getting better, bad days will happen again. Occassionally, it's alright to just let them happen. Make sure they are safe, without digging or hurting their feelings, and then ask them if they want company or to talk. Ask them if you can help in someway. If they say no, don't take it personally. If they say yes, be prepared for tough stuff and make sure you stick around and support them how they need.
16. Don't make excuses to stay away from them. Are you finding yourself having a rough time dealing with what they are telling you? Don't just ditch them and don't bullshit your way out of spending time with them. You can be honest with them that what they are experiencing is difficult. Let them know that you cannot imagine going through what they are going through. Then, most importantly, reassure them that you won't leave them, no matter how hard it might be for you. Most importantly, keep the promise that you won't leave them by not leaving them. That doesn't mean stay with them 24/7, but just maintain the friendship and keep talking with them.
17. Don't act weird around us, we're people too. We have feelings and personalities and we are usually fantastic to get to know! We might just have difficulties with brain chemistry or something. Be patient with us and remember who we are on our good days.
18. Be patient. There are days when I don't get out of bed all day except to pee. I actually have had weekends where I sleep for a solid 3-4 days except for peeing. Leave us be and we will come out when we are ready. Sometimes we need to do other stress relieving things. I happen to take drives. I'll drive for hours to clear my head, be alone, and also listen to music. That's okay, let us do that if it helps. Sometimes I walk around stores for hours on end, just wandering. Sometimes playing piano helps or certain types of crafts. Occasionally, just being able to veg out with a children's movie is enough to help me through some of the bad times. Just let it be and we will ask for help or company when we are ready.
19. Know that we value you. We understand that we are hard to be around, hard to be friends with, and difficult to love. We really do, I promise. Stick around because we appreciate you getting to know us in the first place and we would love for you to stick around with us. Hug us (after you ask if you can) if we seem to be having a hard time. We may not always verbalize it, but thank you for being with us through our ups and downs.
20. Take care of yourself too. If we are saying things that stress you out, make sure you get some stress relief for yourself. Please, don't share our stories with others unless we tell you that you can. But make sure to take care of yourself so that the temptation to leave us is not as strong and you don't get burned out from being friends with us. We love you, we worry about you too which is why we usually don't want to share our burdens with you. We know it's a lot and we don't want to dump the heaviness in our hearts and the darkness in our minds onto you.

A lot of these are kind of duplicates but I find it important for people to know. Mental illness can sometimes make us blunt, or difficult, or sensitive, or numb, or any number of combinations of strange traits. Mostly, you help us just by being with us, even when you don't say anything. My friends know I love coloring and watching kid movies when I'm having bad days. So, they break out the coloring books and turn on a kid movie to help me out. Other times, they walk me around the mall and have lunch with me while keeping their side of the conversation going so that I don't have to be the one to talk when my head is in a major fog. Still other times, they let me go home and sleep, then send me funny videos and pictures on Facebook. All of these little things help me know that they see me struggling, but they respect me enough to meet me where I'm at and they let me call the shots with how I cope with the situation at that time. This is so important to me and I appreciate it more than they will ever understand.

Death Folder

Since about middle school, I have been thinking about how I would want my funeral executed, if I would want artificial life support, etc, etc. Until last weekends funeral, I had not really discussed much of this with my parents. Since then I have decided to put together a death folder. I've already made a Pinterest board with basics of my funeral ceremony and I started documenting my accounts, passwords, and other information that may be important in the case of my demise.

Why am I planning for my death before I have even turned 21? I have no clue but I have always felt this pull to make sure it was planned, so I am preparing everything and getting it to my parent's house and my brother.

So far I have a will that I made from a template from the internet, a letter describing my wishes for my funeral, and a paper with the usernames and passwords to all my accounts. That's it. I need to sign a DNR and get the other legal stuff taken care of but that sounds terribly boring and time-consuming. It'll get done, hopefully by summer.

Any ideas of what else to put in it? I plan on writing a letter to my parents and brother. Then I can add on other letters if there happens to be a special guy in my life or anyone else I believe truly needs a letter.

Found This Randomly On Pinterest

So I found this randomly on Pinterest today while trying to learn how to do my makeup... How it got to this type of subject matter, I'm not sure.

This post nearly broke my heart again because there is hardly a day I go for more than a few hours before getting reminded of Country Boy. I still see guys that look like him in the store and my heart skips a beat. I dream of him. I can't go into Super Targets that have a Starbucks inside because that was our/my first "date"-like thing. When I get dressed up I wonder how he would have reacted. When I go dancing I wonder if he would have danced with me. I only knew him for a few months but he was the first guy to make me actually feel like a girl instead of one of the guys, or some stupid chick that just shows up randomly at fun events.

Suicide broke my heart and continues to break it several times a day. Please forgive the language in this picture/post, I don't use this kind of language, but it captures a bit of the anger and pain I feel.

NICU Job

A couple weeks ago I had an interview for a CNA position in the NICU at one of our local hospitals. I told y'all that I didn't get the job as evidence by an email I received just after I found out about Country Boy's passing... That was a struggle.

Monday morning, I was fixin' to call them back to see if they had any advice for how I could improve my interviewing skills. I was certain that I had bombed the interview because they went from all smiles and nice tones to more of a interrogation-like mode. Super freaky, let me tell you. It all happened once they started asking about my schedule and how long a semester is and stuff like that.

So, I left the interview feeling defeated. Monday, while I was at my IT job, I get a voicemail. My phone didn't ring all day, but then there was a voicemail message. It was the assistant manager of the NICU calling me back asking to speak to me about how the interview went...

Do I need to mention my light headedness, heart palpitations, sweaty palms, shakiness, and all around feeling of impending doom? When I called her back she was so sweet but straight to the point. She told me that it was a hard decision between me and another person but went with the other girl due to scheduling. HOWEVER, she mentioned that I did well in the interview and hopes that she has a position opening up in the summer and she asked if she could call me in case that happens! She then proceeded to tell me that she loved my enthusiasm and the hospital is fixin' to start a training program for new grads wanting to work in the NICU and she thought I would be a fantastic candidate if I still want to be in the NICU upon graduation.

I was speechless. I had been so upset all week and weekend after finding out about Country Boy, me not getting the job, breaking up with Best Friend, and the million other things in my life that just had me drowning in emotional crisis and self pity. I'm sure y'all know that I do not handle emotional troubles well. So, I had been angry at G-d for several days for not letting me save Country Boy, then for not letting me get my "dream job," and then for all the other silly things I recognized as being not good in my life. Even with all that, G-d was working in ways that I could not see. When I thought my world was falling apart, He was orchestrating everything perfectly. Whether I get the NICU job or not, He allows me to find favor with Him and with the people I come into contact with.

I was telling a guy at my IT job that I had an interview with the NICU the other day. He didn't know what that was so I explained that it was the ICU for itty bitty babies. He then proceeded to ask if I was baby crazy. Ummmmmm, not in the way that most girls my age are. I am definately not ready to have one of my own. I am perfectly fine taking care of them for awhile and then going home to a house full of quiet. Ya, I'd like offspring of my own someday, but that'll have to wait on G-d's timing.

The same guys also asked if I was engaged. Oh man, I can't even hold down a relationship based on friendship, how on earth can I handle an engagement? Well, it's not his fault, I wear my purity ring on my left hand ring finger. I also wear my old purity ring on my right middle finger because I lost a bunch of weight and so I had to shuffle my rings around so they would fit. Needless to say, we had a beautiful awkward silence totally brought on by him. That is rare because I didn't cause it!!!

Well, let's finish this school year strong. Only about a month left and I am ready for summer. I can't be the only one to be overdue for a summer vacation, right? Check out my Pinterest to see what I have planned for the summer and there is more to come. I need some sleep. Good night, folks.

"Proof That Every Country Song Was Exactly The Same In 2013"

This is a post I found on Facebook from a singer/songwriter I follow. I think it's pretty funny because it's pretty accurate and I LOVE country music. The only thing is: they keep showing the same 5 artists and don't venture out to the hundreds of others that are out there, so it will naturally talk about the same things. Plus, life in small towns revolve around girls in tight jeans (I'm not proud of that), alcohol, trucks, calling girls "girl", dirt roads, and rivers/ponds. That is country life in a nutshell + farming. But, it makes there point and it got me laughing!

Check it out here.

It's also on my Pinterest feed.

Want to view my Pinterest life?

I am on Pinterest, as most of you know, and now you can see my fantasy life! I have posts about nursing school, funny memes, different ideas for my wedding, date ideas, and a few other things that have sparked my interest. Take a look if you're into browsing other people's lives, I give you permission to Pinterest stalk me. :)

Pinterest Struggles...

It has consumed my time. It has made me dream of my future while also allowing me to show others what I fantasize it will be like. It has also stirred this desire for a beau. Old story with me, I know and I'm sorry.

Does anyone else get like this? I have no prospects, nor do I really know any eligible bachelors, let alone ones that have the same morals and boundaries as me, but I still find myself hoping that G-d will bring me someone... yesterday (aka right now; I never understood that saying until a few years ago but my mom had been using it since I was a little kid!).

I don't understand what's wrong with me! I used to be okay being independent, single, and focused on school. I didn't understand the attraction to boys and I was fine looking and acting like a boy. Now I walk down the halls, minding my own business, and there are cute boys everywhere. Maybe I'm just now hitting puberty? Perhaps G-d really will bring me someone. Maybe I'm just going nuts and should see a professional to get some meds. I don't know. Regardless, this nonsense has got to stop because I am having a rough time focusing on school. It's not really the fault of the general population of males, I guess it's my own fault for finally "seeing" them.

Pinterest has got some cute date ideas though! Also, I fit the country girl description to a T, except for the fact that my country born/raised father raised me up in the city. He still raised me a country girl, but I haven't had the pleasure of knowing everyone in town and being able to go to bonfires with my own friends. Don't get me wrong, I've been to plenty! But my dad is usually the one to start the bonfire party so I was supervised the whole time.

Oy, this is an issue. Life would be so much simpler if: I could just stay a tomboy, focus on school, remain satisfied single, not procrastinate, I had never found Pinterest, and if I could just not "see" silly boys as the handsome guys G-d made you to be...


Side note to guys: Y'all drive us nuts! You can lift 15x more than us girls. Your metabolisms are generally a LOT faster than ours so you can eat just about anything you want. Muscles look way better on you than they do on us. Baseball caps look amazing on you, especially when you're rocking Wranglers or Levi's and some slightly muddy cowboy boots. For some reason you guys know how to fix darn near everything from the washer to the car to the sprinkler system. Your faces look so darn cute with a bit of grease on it. Your sleepy voice, when it's especially deep and a bit scratchy is adorable. When your hair is mussed up it still looks good and I love how when a tall, broad shouldered boy makes me feel small and petite when I'm standin' next to him. Guys, I have heard a lot about how you like the little things us girls do, but the little things you do make us pretty doggone happy too. So, boys, don't underestimate how much we like you and all your male-ness. Let us girls jump in and have some fun too, though. Some of us like fixin' trucks, going muddin', lightin' stuff on fire (it makes my heart happy, but not when it's destructive/bad... just bonfires and stuff), fishin', and shootin'. Also, if you teach us how to watch/play football, you may just have a new football fan to scream at the t.v. with because, let's face it, us girls look pretty darn good in one of your over-sized jerseys.


I better go do my homework and get down on my knees to pray that G-d snap me out of this! It's like the Scotty McCreery song, "The Trouble With Girls," but I am starting to feel the same way about boys... It really seems like my friends already went through this stage in 5th or 6th grade. Here I am, almost 20, just now beginning this inconvenient journey.

Daily Thanksgiving: Today was long, but it was a fairly good day. Perhaps the St. John's Wort is working or maybe it's just a placebo effect. I'm not overly happy, but I'm not down in the dumps. Every day not spent at the bottom makes me think that I can survive and G-d will bring me through because I know He is the only one that can, and He will. I get to go to sleep! Also, I did my hair and my makeup and wore my favorite outfit. My friend said I looked pretty and that made me feel pretty good. I like compliments :)

Better Ending

I had two tests this week: Pharmacology and my Pharm Math midterm.

Pharm: 70% Not great but G-d gave me a better score than I was expecting. I need to bring my average up though to an average above 74% for all tests otherwise I fail the class.

Pharm Math: 82%. This is terrible! It was all easy math and some simple conversion. I labeled my answers when they weren't pre-labeled and I showed all my work. I don't know how I got a B- but I probably just made a bunch of dumb mistakes. Nursing school always catches me off-guard.


I went home to see my parents this weekend. It was really nice to eat a Shabbat dinner with them and we talked for hours! It's amazing how much changes in a month and a half when I am not there to hear about it every night.

I emailed my bosses at my current nursing home job about possibly transferring to the hospital as a CNA. I just got an amazing recommendation letter from one of them and it made me feel really good. Hopefully G-d provides me with a new job that pays better and at a place where I can learn more about actual nursing instead of just the CNA side of it. We'll see.

Pinterest has currently caught most of my attention. Presently I am planning for all sorts of fun things like my perfect dates, cute outfits and make-up for said dates, adorable hairstyles, and my wedding. This is not a good idea. Between Pinterest and country music, I can tell that I am going to bottom out really bad soon. I even started watching love stories because I hope that it will be me. This is completely irrational because love stories are totally made up and that kind of stuff doesn't happen to girls like me. Still, I am finding it difficult to stay away from these things so that I can focus on school and real life. I just want a cowboy boyfriend that has all 573 characteristics that I have written down to love me, and start dating me right now, and then marry me after we're both finished with college. Is that too much to ask? I'm pretty sure my plan is not G-d's plan, but I keep asking Him for it anyway... His thoughts are higher than my thoughts and His ways are higher than my ways. He has a plan for my life which may or may not include a beau or husband, but my sinful heart is desiring a boy. How foolish is that?! Is it just me or do others of you have these kind of silly desires that don't seem to match what G-d wants for you but you can't let go of them? If you can let go of them, how do you?

I need some seriously professional help.

Good news: My Mocha latte is kicking in and I hope to get some homework/studying done today!

Bad news: The guy made it wrong because I asked for it to be made with soy but he used whole milk... I'm lactose intolerant... Boy, I wish my body made the right enzymes so that I can eat the Italian and French food that I'm always craving. My grandparents are Cajun, Italian, French, and a few other things, but most of our bloodlines come from places that use a lot of dairy products. My family is all pretty much okay with everything, except for me. I can't seem to eat anything anymore. h well, it's a good motivator to eat salads, plain chicken, and generally healthy food. Throw in some Chick-fil-a every once in a while and I am set.

Daily Thanksgiving: I got to go home. I got to see my puppy and my parents. My mother is a fantastic Italian cook and we got so much good food! G-d got us back to our apartment safely despite the crazy drivers, ridiculous amount of construction, and general crazy driving skills I possess. I'm learning how to do my make-up (normally I wear 0 make-up or just cover up when my face is breaking out) and I feel a little bit pretty even though beauty "comes from the inside". I believe that it does, but it's so cliche and sometimes it's good to feel pretty on the outside too. My grades are somewhat decent. I have a clean room! (This makes my brother happier than it makes me, but it's good to have a happy roommate.)
 
Off to do some school work. Have a good rest of your weekend!

"They're starting to build their own eco-systems..."

This, as said by my brother, amused me far more than it should have. He was asking me to do the dishes because we are out of all dishes because neither of us have done them at all this week. This is way gross, I know, but I'm a college student and don't have a whole lot of time.

I did clean my room today, though! I also finished unpacking my room because I haven't completely unpacked since I moved in here over the summer. Unpacking is huge for me because since we lost our house when I was in high school, I never trust that that won't happen again. Plus, I have moved almost every year since then and it is a huge inconvenience to pack and unpack an umpteen number of times as I move from house to house with my parents and also move back and forth from college. So, long story short, I am settling in even though I may only live here for another 8 months or so. I guess we'll see where the L-rd wants us next year!

I have a confession, though, I didn't clean my room just to clean. I cleaned it to avoid studying for my pharmacology test tomorrow. Super bad decision. I have studied for the test, however, for several hours over the past few days. Hopefully I don't fail it. I really need help learning how to study and I also need to teach myself motivation so I can start studying weeks ahead so that I can actually learn my material instead of guessing on every question. If only I could figure out how to do this...

Started on St. John's Wort today. I am self-medicating to see if I can avoid going to the doctor for my depression symptoms. My brother has been informed to watch for worsening symptoms in me, but I doubt it will begin to kick in for a few weeks.

I had a Redbull and sweet tea. It explains a lot about this post, I know.

Another bad decision: I have been listening to country music for the past few days. Also, I keep playing with make-up when I come home. I am trying to decide if I should wear it tomorrow, but I probably won't.

Do you ever feel like being surrounded by tons of friends and having everyone do something fun with you? I'm having one of those days. By tomorrow I should be back to my normal self, trying to avoid any contact with anyone.

Pinterest has suddenly caught my attention. I find myself planning outfits, dates, and my wedding. I don't have any prospect of getting a boyfriend anytime soon, but my poor decision to listen to country music has got me thinking about what type of bf I want, what we should do on dates, and how I want to look on said dates. I need to stop this nonsense before it gets me in more trouble with myself!

Daily Thanksgiving: I made it to work today. I cleaned my room. My day went by quickly. I got Chick-fil-a and sweet tea. I am getting better at doing my make-up. I got some hopefully helpful herbs to help with my current sad and helpless state. I get to go home (real home) to see my mama, daddy, and my dog! I have studied over the past few days so I'm not super stressed about my coming pharm test, but I'm still nervous because this class is nuts!

Good night y'all.

April 1st = Success

Today, I was suprised that no pranks were pulled on me or my friends (that I knew of). Seeing as we are in college, there was definitely potential to have a disastrous day, but it was uneventful. Maybe that was because it was the first day back to school and everyone was tired from their spring break adventures. Anyway, it was a success because it was a good first day back and no catastrophes!

Off to the gym tonight. I gained 5 pounds from being home for 1 week, count it... 1! That's pretty sad. I didn't even eat junk food, I just ate a bunch of leftovers. Oh well, it will likely come off in a week because I can't eat much at the cafeteria except for fries and salad, so not to worry. Also, I have decided that I want to have a toned body for the summer this year. Most of my life I have been slightly overweight, enough to make me uncomfortable, but I don't want that to be the case anymore so I have to change it. If I make it to my desired fitness level, I will not wear a bikini still, because it is so not modest enough for me, so I will continue to wear my tankini... under guy swim trunks and my surf shirt. Even that barely hides me enough for comfort and the shorts go slightly past my knees and the shirt has sleeves half way down my arms. Seriously, if I could swim in sweatpants and a long-sleeve shirt, and not look super silly and if the material didn't cling to my body when I got out, I totally would!

Moving on, I have no homework. It's the craziest thing but I actually did work over spring break. Shhh, don't tell anyone. But I think I should start working ahead from now on because this is pretty nice, not having to do tons of homework for the classes the next day. Plus, now I have time for the gym.

By the way, Pinterest is dangerous for me. I go through the fitness section and I'm all pickin' out workouts thinking, "Ya, I can do this!". Then, when I have time, I don't do any of them... I wish I was better at working out, but I am working to fix this so that it is not just a wish. Folks, I don't know how to motivate myself. Looking at pictures of skinny, fit people doesn't work, it just makes me sad. Bribing myself doesn't work, I just give up and decide I didn't want the bribe. Same thing when I try to get friends to bribe me... Seeing my swimsuit doesn't motivate me because I just got a bathing suit that works for me, but when I am trying on bathing suits I just get depressed and start crying, leading me into a dark place for the next week or two. I tell ya, it seems so much sends me into a depression. I really do try to control it, and I try to take steps to manage or fix what is making me depressed, but sometimes I just can't hold it off. Does anyone have any advice? Besides sending me to a mental hospital or locking me away... Seriously though, I think, maybe, I should get checked out. Back to my motivation problem. Does anyone have advice for motivation? Any advice at all would really help, with any of my posts because I am pretty sure I come off as being a huge sack of crazy rolled into a 5'7", slightly chubby package.

Daily Thanksgiving: Psych was cancelled, I am done with most of my homework and reading for this week and April Fool's Day didn't involve pranks! This was a good day. And I get to work out, which I am excited for, making the day even better.