Oh the beach!

Y'all, I just got back last night from a 2 week vacation and it was amazing! Sorry about the extended radio silence. A week at the beach and a week (split into two little pieces) of visiting with my family that lives in the south. Oh man, they are funny and boy can they cook.

We drove home to Home State and got in at about 0400 time there. I could have been dropped off at my new home, but I wanted to go back to get my dog. So, mom let me come to Home State, pick up the puppy (she's about 9 now) and then mom drove puppy and I back to Small Town yesterday. Actually, I drove but she was there. She just left here for Home State about an hour ago. I miss her terribly already...

Paperwork finally went through and I got to register for my NCLEX! *screams silently in head* I'm terrified. This is scary!!! What if I fail? Then I have to pay to take it again and my nursing permit will be revoked so I will be out of work until I pass it. Oh goodness, how could I handle that? How could I handle another thing wrong, I still feel like I'm on a constant teeter-totter and could fall into a pit that I'll never be able to get out of. I feel like I could drown at any moment and just not take another breath because of sheer exhaustion of surviving. Anyway, since the paperwork is in and I registered for the NCLEX, it'll take up to 10 business days from the day they processed it for me to get my permit so I can start working. Hopefully it happens sooner than that because I'd really like to begin working. Mema says they have babies again which is good for me but scary for the poor parents. It's one of those double-edged swords that makes nursing difficult.

So, it's just me a Puppy figuring out how to live in Small Town and getting our schedules back in order. Praise the L-rd for His timing and His provisions. I'm just barely making it, with loans from my parents and my one credit card nearly maxed out (and hardly any money in the bank). Money is tighter right now than it was when I was in college! Ah well, I'm hoping everything will get settled here shortly.

Lies Are Building

I don't know if you guys remember or not, but when fiance asked me to marry him the first time, he didn't ask my dad for permission first. This was one thing I asked him to do because I feel it shows respect to my dad to ask for my hand. Fast-forward about 5-6 months and he finally asked my dad Thursday night.

Now, dad has unmedicated and unofficially diagnosed bipolar disorder (type 2) as evidence by my DSM-V book and the fact that a lot of his side of the family has it. I'm talking most everyone has it. Anyway, fiance called my dad telling him he wanted to meet up to talk. Dad immediately called me and flipped the fuck out! Sorry for the bad language, there is a lot of anger in my heart. Yes, I still believe in the L-rd and I'm sure he's not happy with my language but I digress and I'm terribly sorry for the bad words. Anyway, dad told him he could marry me.

Next day, dad called and started yelling at me again. He went on and on while I sat crying silently on the other end. My mom called during my "talk" with him and I called her back when he was done. Mom was so great about calming me down, telling me to ignore dad and just get ready and be happy for the special night with fiance. I proceeded to yell and vent about my entire family being bat shit crazy for another 45 minutes. I know I'm not supposed to call people that are mentally ill crazy, even if I am too, but they are. I don't call others, well I really try not to call others crazy because I know these are things they can't help. But honestly, my family and I really need to get on some meds and get this shit sorted out because I'm sick of having nobody on my side because they are all so consumed in their feelings and they leave and stop talking to people when they get mad at the dumbest things. Dad could have told fiance his true feelings. Instead, he told fiance yes and yelled at me because he regretted that decision.

That night, I had a birthday dinner planned for the fiance. We went to a nice dinner. I had gone dress shopping with his mom so that I could find a really pretty dress to wear for him. I did my hair and make up and I was looking really good. Fiance talked to the staff at the restaurant and planned for them to come and sing happy birthday to him, but instead of just that, he was planning to ask me again to marry him in public.

I said yes and he gave me a new ring because the other one got stolen.

The past few days have consisted of me going home to my parent's house where my dad proceeded to ignore me and refuse to talk to my mom or I. They are now planning to separate in the spring because dad thinks life would be better without us because apparently my brother and I stress him out too much. Fiance and I are fighting because of what he told dad when he went up to talk with him. Fiance thinks it's bullshit that I told him that my dad has been yelling at my mom and I for the past few days when dad told fiance he could ask me to marry him. I think it's bullshit too but what do I do? Fiance says the only time he wants to dump me is when my family is being a pain in he ass and not wanting us to get married. Right now, I don't even really want to get married. I'm over this nonsense.

To make it better, I asked about his "dead" wife. He won't give me any straight answers about when she died or where she is buried and I'm angry that he gets so defensive when I do ask because I think that means he might be lying. I went through his Facebook the other day because it was his birthday and I was just looking at the birthday wished. Then, posts started getting more interesting. He told me he's only had one girlfriend besides his wife and me. When I was going through his page, he kept talking about other girlfriends, like 3-4 by name and others without naming them directly. The girl he also said was dead has been posting on her Facebook page up until the end of November of this year. He told me she's been dead for at least 2-3 years. So, I plan on asking him where she is buried, when she died, and what her last name was. The pictures of her that he showed me look an awful lot like this other girl that I found that is alive. I sent a message to her without any specifics in it yet, to see if she would even be willing to talk to me about him. So, we will see. I tried to talk to him when he was over at my place last night but he told me he just doesn't like talking about it. However, I do better asking him over the phone for some reason, then I can have a paper with all of my questions on it too to help guide me. Then, if he's lying, I plan on sending the ring back in the mail and never talking to him again. Whether I take legal pursuit for the other bad things he's done to me or not will remain unknown for right now. I plan on talking to his other "girlfriends" to see why they broke up with him and what happened in their relationships to see if we may all need to ban together for legal action.

So, that is how I went from happiness to complete and utter disparity and anger in a matter of minutes.

Mental Illness

Today I read a post/article about having friends and loved ones that struggle with mental illness.

11 Things Those Who Love A Person With Mental Illness Should Know

I actually found it so helpful and true that I sent it to fiance, but I so wished I could send it to all of my friends and family.

I was going through Pinterest one night at work because I was sad and sometimes it helps me to go through the depression posts on Pinterest because it lets me know that what I experience and think isn't isolated to just myself. It also helps me put words to my tendencies and feelings because sometimes it's hard to describe what I'm going through and what is happening in my head to other people.

Through this search, I found that I am not the only one that goes through isolation because their friends start asking what's wrong and they keep digging. This digging then leads to them asking me to stop talking to them about what is happening in my head because they can't handle the fraction of a percent of the darkness I share with them. I'm not alone in this. Apparently, it happens quite frequently.

So, just a note to those of you who have friends and family (everybody): don't ask if you aren't prepared to actually help and continue to hear about the darknesses and struggles in the lives of those around you. I keep having friends who see me struggling and they think they can somehow help me. Guys, I've struggled with this most of my life and I have not come across a person or thing that can help me yet. G-d helps a lot, but life happens and my head gets messed up again. That's just how it works. However, I am sick of friends and family thinking they can save me, but after a little bit, they realize they can't even deal with my struggles and so they leave me or ask me to stop talking to them. This is absolutely devastating to me and to the others that go through this.

1. Don't get close and ask people questions if you are not entirely prepared to be able to stick with them and truly help them. They deal with their darkness just fine without you, they've likely done it for a long time. 
2. Don't ask them questions, give them hope of having support, and then ditch them when you start to hear just a little bit of what they have to deal with. That's cruel.
3. Don't think that they be "fixed" by something you do. 
4. Don't give them unsolicited advice. They know what to do, they know what works best for them. It's not good to tell them (us) what to do because you don't live our life. You have a friend with chronic major depression and you have gone through a slight bout of depression? That doesn't mean you know how to "fix" this for them. Everyone goes through their mental illnesses in unique ways. You can absolutely be there for them and give advice if they ask, but don't tell them what to do.
5. Don't ask them why they don't take meds, go to the doctor, or go to therapy. Professional help is good, but don't tell us what to do, that can make us shut down and when we don't do what you tell us to do, we know you're more likely to ditch us anyway.
6. Don't force them to talk if they don't want to talk. Chances are, they've been burned before so they are wary of opening up to anyone else because they have seen the ugliness that that brings about in your life and theirs. So, i they don't want to talk, then don't force it.
7. Don't dig. This goes along the same lines as the last one. But if they say they are fine and you know it's a lie, just leave it. I know that personally, it is easier to deal with my darkness alone and not fess up to being upset, than it is to say I'm having a bad day and then have to explain it to whoever asked.
8. Don't use them. Don't use them as an excuse. Don't overextend them just because you know they will help, this can make depression and a whole host of other mental illnesses worse for the sufferer. Don't use them as an example. Just don't.
9. Don't tell them to just get over it. No, we cannot just "get over it". If we could, don't you think we would have? Living with mental illness is not something we enjoy, it's way harder for us than it is for you to watch us, I promise.
10. Don't think we don't know it's hard for you. I've watched people struggle with mental illness and it's rough. I understand wanting to help them but not knowing how. I know what it is like to wish that they were back to their normal self, the person that I adore and know. 
11. Don't play the victim. It may be hard for you to hear what we go through, but you don't have to live it and you're only hearing and seeing a tiny bit of what occurs in our heads.
12. Don't take their moods personally. Sad days are going to happen regardless of whether you are there or not. Just accept that we will have bad days that have nothing to do with you even if we are with you all day.
13. Don't call them crazy. That's just mean. We aren't crazy, we are just have brains that don't control their hormones at proper levels so then we have "off" days. We aren't crazy.
14. Don't assume they don't know how to handle their mental illness. Oftentimes, they've dealt with their problems for a long time. Even if they haven't, they will find ways that help them or other ways that may make them worse.
15. Sometimes, just sometimes, it's okay to let them have a bad day. It's okay, it's going to happen. Even if they seem like they've been getting better, bad days will happen again. Occassionally, it's alright to just let them happen. Make sure they are safe, without digging or hurting their feelings, and then ask them if they want company or to talk. Ask them if you can help in someway. If they say no, don't take it personally. If they say yes, be prepared for tough stuff and make sure you stick around and support them how they need.
16. Don't make excuses to stay away from them. Are you finding yourself having a rough time dealing with what they are telling you? Don't just ditch them and don't bullshit your way out of spending time with them. You can be honest with them that what they are experiencing is difficult. Let them know that you cannot imagine going through what they are going through. Then, most importantly, reassure them that you won't leave them, no matter how hard it might be for you. Most importantly, keep the promise that you won't leave them by not leaving them. That doesn't mean stay with them 24/7, but just maintain the friendship and keep talking with them.
17. Don't act weird around us, we're people too. We have feelings and personalities and we are usually fantastic to get to know! We might just have difficulties with brain chemistry or something. Be patient with us and remember who we are on our good days.
18. Be patient. There are days when I don't get out of bed all day except to pee. I actually have had weekends where I sleep for a solid 3-4 days except for peeing. Leave us be and we will come out when we are ready. Sometimes we need to do other stress relieving things. I happen to take drives. I'll drive for hours to clear my head, be alone, and also listen to music. That's okay, let us do that if it helps. Sometimes I walk around stores for hours on end, just wandering. Sometimes playing piano helps or certain types of crafts. Occasionally, just being able to veg out with a children's movie is enough to help me through some of the bad times. Just let it be and we will ask for help or company when we are ready.
19. Know that we value you. We understand that we are hard to be around, hard to be friends with, and difficult to love. We really do, I promise. Stick around because we appreciate you getting to know us in the first place and we would love for you to stick around with us. Hug us (after you ask if you can) if we seem to be having a hard time. We may not always verbalize it, but thank you for being with us through our ups and downs.
20. Take care of yourself too. If we are saying things that stress you out, make sure you get some stress relief for yourself. Please, don't share our stories with others unless we tell you that you can. But make sure to take care of yourself so that the temptation to leave us is not as strong and you don't get burned out from being friends with us. We love you, we worry about you too which is why we usually don't want to share our burdens with you. We know it's a lot and we don't want to dump the heaviness in our hearts and the darkness in our minds onto you.

A lot of these are kind of duplicates but I find it important for people to know. Mental illness can sometimes make us blunt, or difficult, or sensitive, or numb, or any number of combinations of strange traits. Mostly, you help us just by being with us, even when you don't say anything. My friends know I love coloring and watching kid movies when I'm having bad days. So, they break out the coloring books and turn on a kid movie to help me out. Other times, they walk me around the mall and have lunch with me while keeping their side of the conversation going so that I don't have to be the one to talk when my head is in a major fog. Still other times, they let me go home and sleep, then send me funny videos and pictures on Facebook. All of these little things help me know that they see me struggling, but they respect me enough to meet me where I'm at and they let me call the shots with how I cope with the situation at that time. This is so important to me and I appreciate it more than they will ever understand.

Fantastic Weekend Review

Hey y'all, how was your weekend? I hope it was fun, or at least relaxing.

Mine was super fun. After going to the barbeque that I kinda initiated... I got to spend nearly an entire day with my Mema. Oh goodness, I LOVE her!!! We drove about 2 hours to go look at the leaves that are changing colors and scoped out some camping spots for next summer with the whole extended family. Super exciting and it killed my back sitting for nearly 5 hours cramped in a car. That's one of the only times I wish I had a little bit shorter legs. That and the fact that I'm taller than most guys... Therefore I tower over the cutie pies I may/may not crush on and I would like to find a guy that's a bit taller than me. I don't know why that's a thing, but I want to feel petite and feminine next to a guy and not like a frickin' giant.

Anywho, I also got to ride horses for about an hour and the horse kept running! Oh my goodness I should have shortened those stirrups. Since I didn't, but bum is a bit sore because I couldn't stand in the stirrups to prevent bouncing up and down about a foot with each horse step. I almost felt like I was going to get thrown too because I was not prepared for the horse to start running, he just took off!

Well, Roommate's mom loves taking pictures. I HATE being in pictures. I loose the argument with her every time because I just adore her! So, I took a picture with Roommate Mama's boyfriend (of 10 years). He's awesome. Really, they have an amazing family. Later that night this picture was posted on the boyfriend's Facebook page. About 5 minutes later he gets a call. Keep in mind it is about 9 at night and where we're from, it's not okay to call after 9 unless it's an emergency. The call was from his nephew and the nephew was asking who I was. He told the boyfriend I was "hot" and some other very flattering descriptive phrases that I was not informed about. Haha, that made me feel significantly better after them silly high school boys told me to try harder. I wasn't even wearing make-up in the picture and my hair was all wind-blown from having ridden horses. So, while I should not be so easily upset and encouraged by these little comments, I am just now coming into being noticed by guys and noticing them back. Plus, the guy that was diggin' on me is a few years older and has a bigger pool of girls and still thought I was worth a "double take". Good thing it was dark when they told me because I was blushing all over!

My brother got a girlfriend. Have I told you about that yet? She got him to smoke pot less and he doesn't drink as much, so that's good. He took the new girlfriend to meet my mama over the weekend without warning mom that the girlfriend was coming. Nobody is telling me anything besides the fact that it went okay. I'm kinda hoping that there are some better stories than that but I guess I'll just have to dig some more this week.

I'm gonna go try to be productive today. We'll see how far that gets me. Also, I think I need to come up with better nicknames for Roommates family... Maybe that's what I'll do today.

Me and My Big Mouth

Mema came into town yesterday so I got to go visit with her and my uncles and their family yesterday. The uncles were seperated because it wasn't a big dinner or anything. So, I was invited to dinner tonight by one and then went to visit with the other. I thought they had been invited and knew about the whole ordeal. They did not... So, I went to the second uncle's house and told them about a barbeque happening tonight that was not actually happening. Awesome.

I got to put out my fire today after realizing the first uncle may not have meant it to be a big deal... Then I explained that to the second uncle's family. Now they are planning one anyway since I invited them to something that wasn't happening and I am thoroughly embarrassed. Praise the L-rd for kind family but I really need to stop assuming those two families talk all the time!

Ugh, if I had a house out there then I could have just invited everyone to my house to fix this whole mess. Instead, I just have to deal with the embarrassment of my big mouth and go to dinner with my tail between my legs. Someday I will learn to watch what I say, until then I will just have to deal with a constantly bruised ego.

Crazy, Insane Weekend

Folks, there are awkward families... and then there is mine.

• My great-grandpa does not know my name, but he yelled at me for not knowing his though he makes no effort to be in my life when I was about 12.
• My Grandma yelled at my brother and I when we were about 3-4 for asking for a penny to get a gumball from her decorative gumball dispenser while simultaneously giving pennies to our cousins.
• My uncle did not know my name yesterday and I'm 20. He has seen me multiple times over the course of my life. In fact, my parents used to rent an apartment from him for the first 9 years of my life and he would come for visits.
• My mom's sister is cool and her youngest is buddies with my brother and I. Her oldest and her husband hardly say 2 words to my mom, my brother, or myself. 
• My Grandpa did not recognize my mom because he has not seen her in nearly 8 years. Though I do not blame him for this because my Grandma is abusive and so my mom chooses to not see her mom (Grandma) which means she cannot see her dad (Grandpa).
• Grandpa has been saving the birthday and Christmas money from the past decade of our lives because he sends money to all the other grandkids. As he was walking over to give it to my brother and I, my Grandma takes it from him and acts as though it was her idea. Lady, I saw him pull it out of his pocket and I saw you snatch it from his hands!!!

What is so mind-boggling to me, however, is that I love them regardless. It's this deep kind of love that I had not been aware of until driving home, unable to catch my breath between legitimate sobs. Despite the hours I have cried at night over them and their words to me, I love them. Although they don't know my name (after having been their niece/grandchild for 20+ years), I still love them. Forget the fact that they blame me for not knowing them even though I have not had transportation or contact from them for most of my life, I still love them. Why? Why is is that I can have such overwhelming love for these people that do not love me back? How can I continue to love them even though it causes me so much grief that I was crying on the drive back home last night? It wasn't even a few tears, it was wails from the deepest part of my gut because I was in such pain. Why do I have the capacity to love these people and I cannot even love myself?

Besides all that, my brother dropped a few bombs on me about his own life that have re-stimulated my persistent nausea r/t stress and complete disbelief that this is now what his life has become. Plus, I have been getting super dizzy spells, so that's a bonus. I think it may be orthostatic hypotension caused by possible dehydration and electrolyte imbalances, but it's a wonder I can keep anything down at all with my stomach always in knots anymore.

My cousin is having a baby with his girlfriend. He just graduated high school... His older sister is fixin' to get married come July and just announced that she has been expecting for about 3 months and is due in January. They have another older sister who is just chillin'.

My summer went from me being on top of the world for about a week and a half to being down deeper than the deepest pits in the World. G-d has it all in His hand, I believe that. Goodness, though, it seemed to have all hit me at the exact same time though.

Tomorrow I want to tell you about my good day though! So, stay tuned for that. I promise, G-d blesses me incredibly, sometimes it's just more pronounced once you understand the struggles and obstacles that cross my path. I want you guys to see all of my life, even these really ugly parts because they all make me who I am and they are all tools G-d uses to shape me. Also, I got a new roommate and I'm so beyond stoked about her. She needs a whole blog about her, that's how amazing and excited I am about this rooming situation! Plus, it is totally a work of G-d. You'll see once I tell y'all the story of how it came to be.

Daily Thanksgiving: My day was exponentially better than I anticipated and I got to work with my favorite CNA! G-d is not through with me even though I have been a wayward child. 

Don't go down that road...

Going into college, I did not drink coffee regularly. It used to give me heart palpitations, even in the smallest amounts. Even if I ate too much chocolate, I would start getting funky heart feelings that are highly unpleasant.

Last week began my slow decent into what will likely end in a caffeine addiction. It's surprising that with my crazy schedule, it has taken me this long to come around to drinking coffee, so I suppose that's good. But man, clinicals are getting rougher. We start getting two patients soon which means... drumroll please... TWO careplans. There will be one long and one short. Regardless, it has been taking me until 0100-0200 to finish just a long one so I'm not certain how I will get an additional one and still get sleep before having to get up at 0430. Praise the L-rd there are only 4 weeks left of this for this semester!

My plans have been growing and growing for this summer. I have two trips planned already and both of them involve spending at least a week at a time with my Mema. In talking with her to make plans for these vacations, we started talking about nursing. She is a recently retired NICU nurse who is so very excited that I am following in her footsteps. Funny thing is, I wanted to be a nurse before I realized that is what she did. I also wanted to work with babies. Naturally, when I found out about the NICU, I was drawn to the idea of helping these sweet little infants. As we were discussing this, she informed me that her great-grandma was a doctor, midwife, and something else that I can't remember right now. But this lady saved almost all of the children in the town she lived in from a disease outbreak that was killing most children in the surrounding towns. Ever since her, most women in our family become nurses or have something to do with the medical field. Even the women that marry into the family tend to be nurses. I didn't find that little gem out until I went to our family reunion two summers ago. Most of the guys tend to be mechanics or some type of engineer (typically mechanical engineers.) This pattern is intriguing to me, but I suppose it makes sense because most guys marry ladies like their moms and girls marry guys like their dads. Still, it's an interesting pattern that I wish I knew how to further investigate.

Well, I'm heading off to work. Y'all have a great day and I'll let you know how clinicals go with two patients and TWO careplans.

Understanding Marriage

This is one of the best articles I have read explaining marriage. Actually, I found a bunch on this one particular website. Plus, it numbered and bolded the reasons for marriage in one of the articles! I love this because not only does it make it easier for me to skim, it also helps you (should you choose to read these) to skim and not read entire articles! I figured this would likely help you guys because I am long-winded and I really want all of the info to be shared without you, my friends, to have to read entire textbooks worth of writing spread across several sites. (Wow, that was kinda a run-on... Sorry!)

Read these articles if you would like more info on the point of marriage. I put them in order of most relevant to my previous points to stuff that I thought was just interesting or other good points...

1) What's the point of marriage?
2) 5 Reasons Marriage Cynics Are Wrong (surprisingly, I am not cynical about any of these 5 things...)
3) What It Really Means to Say 'I Do'
4) 3 Things I Wish I Knew Before We Got Married
5) You Never Marry the Right Person (I know this one sounds disheartening, just trust me and try reading it)






Also, on a completely unrelated note, my mom called. We talked for a little over 1 hour and 39 minutes. I am in a considerably better mood and I didn't even explain my recent struggles. G-d truly blessed me with a strong, hilarious, and totally understanding mom. I love her and I love my dad. I am a daddy's girl, in the best sense, meaning I love working on cars, hangin' with the boys, and setting stuff on fire. I also enjoy throwing footballs, baseballs, and learning about cars/sports/anything anyone is willing to teach me. I'm so very grateful for my parents and their very different personalities.

Meeting at the Reunion

Do you ever go to family reunions and you have to meet everyone that claims they know you? It's an odd event really. You know that you are related by blood or marriage to most/all of the people there, but you don't really know them. This forces a somewhat awkward situation. It's like friends trying to set you up on a date based off of the fact that you both like to bowl. You know that there is something in common, but what on earth do you talk about for the other 4+ hours of the reunion/date besides what you know about the other person already?

Last year, I met my "cousin". He's not really my cousin because his grandparents are my Mema's aunt and uncle. So, it gets really confusing and I just decided to save myself the headache and claim him as cousin. Anywho, last year we discovered that we would both be in the nursing program together. In fact, we had chemistry together the first semester. Unfortunately, our conversation stayed pretty minimal, at best. This year, the reunion was way smaller, but I got to talk to him for most of the day instead of smiling at stories of when I was a baby and these strangers/long lost family members last saw me. While this was a blessing, it was also slightly uncomfortable seeing as I am not a conversationalist and there were about 2 hours of luls in the conversation and an hour worth of talking... Golly, I need to work on my people and conversation skills!

Good news, I got to see my newly retired Mema and she may be moving closer to us! She is currently about an 8 hour drive through 3 states, but she is originally from the little town that my dad grew up in and most of her family is here. I so hope she moves down here. How amazing would it be if she could teach me how to be a nurse once I graduate?

Off to work a double... #too early (totally just kidding, I don't do hashtags)

Update From Yesterday

So, my birthday turned out decent. Nobody knew about it, that I know of, so that was good. Also, my classes weren't terrible, they just dragged on all day. However, yesterday is a success in my book and I am very glad I didn't make a big deal about turning 19. That number bothers me, because I just got used to writing 18 on stuff... Oh well.

The crush I have is still there despite the various ways I have tried to lose these "feelings". Feelings is such a gross word. Anyway, I still have not decided what I am going to do about it and I am still waiting on the L-rd to direct my decision.

School is back in full swing even though my brain is still stuck on break, but I am getting through the week and enjoying the lack of homework I have to complete thanks to my hard effort over break!

Daily Thanksgiving from yesterday: Nobody knew about my birthday (except my family). It rained here. Saturday I may be going on a hike that I am very excited about, which is good because I usually don't get excited about hikes or physical activities at all.

More to come about today later.


How are you doing today?

Just Another Day In Paradise

Finished out another day of work. Thankfully, today the CNA stayed with me all day and we were behind, but it wasn't terrible. The residents, on the other hand, were off the wall active today. I don't know what's going on, it's not even a full moon yet!!! Guys, it's getting really hard to be at this job. It seems like I fail everyday because I am slow and I don't know what I am doing at all. Well, that's not totally true, I do kinda know what I am doing... sometimes. Anyway, I will count it as a good day despite the scratches, bruises, pain, frustration and disappointment.

On the other hand, I absolutely love the LPN that was working today. She is always so sweet and she saw that we were behind, likely because of me, and so she took all of the vitals we needed done for the day. If only there were something I could do for her, she is always offering me lunch, fixing my mistakes and offering advice and encouragement. This lady is just such a great nurse and LPN, I am so very thankful for her.

4 days left until spring break! My spring break will consist of studying, hanging out with friends and sleeping but it will be a nice break despite the uneventful week. Then I just have a month and a half left of my first year of school. That means... I am nearly a quarter of the way to being a nurse!!! Even though this job makes me feel like I cannot do anything right, I think that I have potential to be a good nurse. I care a lot, maybe too much, which is why I am slow. But I know that G-d can teach me to be an awesome nurse and He will guide my life.

By the way, my birthday is coming up. I won't say when, because I despise birthdays, but it seemed like I needed to tell someone besides just my family. Does anyone else hate birthdays? I don't like getting older, I do not like the attention and I do not like the pressure people put on you to make all the decisions just because you evacuated your mother's uterus that same date a few years earlier. Maybe I am just too negative. Actually, I am pretty sure I am, but I am working on it. Nonetheless, I highly dislike birthdays. It seems everything goes wrong that day. I've called into the principle's office, been yelled at, been forgotten, and tons of other bad things have happened, always on my birthday. So, please forgive me for not being excited about the aging process, I just don't see a need to commemorate the anniversary of another year that I did not live up to my expectations (or anyone else's for that matter).

Daily Thanksgiving: You know, it occurred to me I forgot yesterday's thanksgiving. Well, yesterday I was super thankful for Shabbat, a day of rest. I slept in and relaxed and did nothing all day. Today I am thankful for my LPN, the CNA that worked with me today, the fact that I don't have to work for nearly 3 weeks now, I get spring break in 4 days and for my friends and family. Plus, I love Pandora, it helps me get my mind off things when I need a break. Pandora radio is good stuff.


Just an update about my anatomy tests that I took last week: I got a B on both the lecture exam and the lab practical. I thought I would do better, but hey, G-d gave me good grades for both and I am grateful for that. Next time I will work for A's again and, L-rd willing, I will actually get A's.

What to do...

So, since I am working on not gossiping, am I able to talk to you about my friends and family? For instance, when I was talking about the guys that have asked me out, and my friend who may have a "thing" for me. Am I able to talk about that kinda stuff?

I really need some input on this because I do not know what to do. Most likely, you do not know who I am talking about, and I do not use names so it's not like you can go back to whoever I am talking about or start rumors. However, I am still giving you the run-down of my life which includes the juicy little tidbits that happen to me throughout the day. The definition of gossip I got from Google is: "Casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true." All of these reports are true, I experienced them firsthand but that does not mean these subjects are okay from G-d's point of view.. I really need to read up on what the Bible says about gossip and pray about it so that I can make a Biblical stand on what I talk about and what I keep to myself. More to come soon...

On a different note, I turned in my Intent to Apply form for nursing school! It's kinda silly you have to turn in a form saying you are planning on applying because they will know when you apply. It also makes sense though so they can get you file set-up and make sure you are doing everything you need to be doing. My school usually has a couple hundred students apply to the nursing program each semester (you can apply in the spring for fall, or fall for spring). The problem is, there are only about 30-40 clinical spots each year. That makes me nervous. Well, it should, but I have this overwhelming peace about it. That doesn't mean I am certain I will get into this program, though I sure do hope I do! I simply have peace because I know that whatever happens, G-d has ultimate control and He will allow what is best for me to happen. Thus, His plans prevail and all the glory will be to His name. The whole system is beautiful really.

Also, I get to go home tomorrow! It's my mom's birthday this weekend and I am going home to make her some dinner, bake some challah (try it, it's good), and relax with my family and my dog. I cannot wait!

*When you try challah, make sure it is a sweet kind and homemade if possibly so that you can add honey and/or sugar to it yourself. The kind they have at Einstein's is mini, and absolutely adorable, but it's not usually sweet. Also, try the cinnamon raisin kind that is typically made for Rosh Hashannah, it is absolutely delicious!*

Homesick

For all of you that have ever been away from home, I'm sure you know what homesickness is. It's brutal! I just got back to my dorm today from spending the weekend with my family, but I cannot seem to get over this overwhelming sense of sadness that I am not with them. It seems so strange that I used to live at home all of the time, and now I hardly get to be with my family. I am very blessed that my university is only an hour away, but I still miss my family greatly. I would love to sleep at home all the time, have my mom's cooking and still be getting the same education at this college. Unfortunately, that is just not how it works. This raises the question: How am I supposed to grow up and move out? How am I supposed to get married? Leaving my family seems like I am abandoning them or something. They spend so much of their life caring for me, then I just up and leave? That doesn't seem right. I know they did it, and almost everyone in history has had to do that at some point, but I cannot wrap my head around this. It makes my heart hurt and then brings back my depression for a good few days.

Today, I am so very grateful to have such a loving family. One that I cannot separate myself from. My parents both had abusive families, but Ad-nai has blessed me so greatly with such amazing parents and a great brother (even though he is awfully ornery lately). My parents have supported me all my life, always looking out for what's best for me. (I can't even see what I'm typing right now through this blurry mess. I used to not cry very much, but it seems that between the huge amount of stress I encounter on a daily basis, and my homesickness, all I ever do is call my mom on the edge of tears. This brings another problem because I try to pretend I am not crying in order to avoid worrying her, but I think she knows...) G-d has even blessed me with pseudo extended family. My dad's father passed away when I was young (I had only met him a few times.) But G-d always provides someone else to step into that role. We do not talk at all to my mom's parents, but still I have even more pseudo grandparents. This is true for aunt, uncles, cousins and beyond! Plus, the one biological grandparent we do talk to, my Mema (dad's mom), is absolutely amazing! I could go on and on about her. She is a NICU nurse, so very kind, and I am the spittin' image of her (with brown hair, instead of blonde). I believe family is one of the biggest blessings G-d gives to us, whether they are our family by blood or not.