Hopeful Beginnings

Counseling began today. I went in for paperwork and we went right into a session. Praise the L-rd! It was killing me that three session and a screening interview at the other place got me no where. I even told my new counselor that I was frustrated with the other lady for not really getting anywhere. I get the need to build rapport and ease some people in but I am ready to get down and dirty and get help. This kind of a thing doesn't need slow progress into it. I needs a quick acting, intense help to get people past their trauma into a functioning mindset again.

Well, I was officially diagnosed with severe PTSD today. It makes me sad, but it also makes me feel less crazy because nobody believed me when it was self-diagnosed. Now it's believable because my counselor gave me the title? Maybe if she finally diagnoses me with my anxiety disorders, depression and/or bipolar II, then people will believe me about those ones too. Goodness, I have the book psychiatrists, counselors, etc. use to diagnose stuff. I'm not making shit up.

Anyway, counseling went well. After she glanced (and I mean glanced) at my paperwork, she asked straight away: "So, what's your story?" I went through it all and she started connecting dots nobody else really ever has. I am so blessed to have been able to be assigned to her. Thank you L-rd! I talked about Country Boy, EXboyfriend, EXfiance, and all of my fears that I put in my post "Forgiveness?" She noticed that spring is likely to be a tough time for me; Country boy died, I broke up with Exboyfriend and met Exfiance all in the spring months, just a year apart. She warned me that this spring would likely be rough because I'll probably start remembering dates or the rapes, and deaths, and everything else that went to hell in a hand-basket within a couple month's time. I had already suspected that because this past March was tough a whole week before and after the anniversary of his death and then also the week before and after his birthday. These all coincide so from mid-March to mid-April I'm a complete mess. Now that will extend from mid-March to mid-May and it will all come back again in July. Great.

She basically told me I've been living in survival mode since the first rape (over 9 months). My only homework was to make sure I was eating, and eating things that actually count and provide fuel for my body so that I could start to work on the mental healing.  


So, I really like her. I spent most of the hour crying and she finished saying: "You seem like such a sweet girl. Someone who tries to see the best in everyone and also someone who takes everyone else's baggage. That's a heavy load. You also seem to blame yourself for a lot of things that aren't in your control and they aren't your fault." Between her saying these things and her asking for my story, I felt so comforted and understood after this session. I didn't feel this way after talking with the first psychologist/psychiatrist person I saw. I'm so grateful to be able to be with this new lady.

Thank you L-rd for providing this woman, right when I needed her, right in the nick of time.


Exfiance knew I was going to counseling and he called right when it was over. We started talking about if he was excited or nervous for his session in a few days. He said he'd probably tell the therapist to "fuck off" and then leave. I told him it's dumb to even go if he wasn't going to put any effort forth. He said he was only going to "fix us".  

OH MY GOSH!!!

How many times do I have to tell him I'm not getting back together with him? I told him I didn't want to get back together with him. He questioned if I was doing the right thing. I said yes. He said he was trying to do the right thing for us. I told him that he was trying to do the right thing for him and that him trying to get me back was not in my best interest but his. Haha, that pissed him off and he told me he was going to hang up. I said okay! Bye! Hahaha, I don't want to say I win but I definitely did. I'm so over his shit and he thinks I'm dumb enough to go back with him! Sorry, but no. You need to leave me alone you fucker.

Again, I'm sorry for the bad language right after praising the L-rd for His provisions. I'm working out anger... and a lot of other stuff.

Regardless, the pervasive song that keeps popping into my head is "Held" by Natalie Grant. I haven't heard it in years but it keeps popping into my head at random times. Praise the L-rd for this too!

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

[Chorus:]
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

[Chorus:]
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know, that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held
This is what it means to be held.