Hopeful Beginnings

Counseling began today. I went in for paperwork and we went right into a session. Praise the L-rd! It was killing me that three session and a screening interview at the other place got me no where. I even told my new counselor that I was frustrated with the other lady for not really getting anywhere. I get the need to build rapport and ease some people in but I am ready to get down and dirty and get help. This kind of a thing doesn't need slow progress into it. I needs a quick acting, intense help to get people past their trauma into a functioning mindset again.

Well, I was officially diagnosed with severe PTSD today. It makes me sad, but it also makes me feel less crazy because nobody believed me when it was self-diagnosed. Now it's believable because my counselor gave me the title? Maybe if she finally diagnoses me with my anxiety disorders, depression and/or bipolar II, then people will believe me about those ones too. Goodness, I have the book psychiatrists, counselors, etc. use to diagnose stuff. I'm not making shit up.

Anyway, counseling went well. After she glanced (and I mean glanced) at my paperwork, she asked straight away: "So, what's your story?" I went through it all and she started connecting dots nobody else really ever has. I am so blessed to have been able to be assigned to her. Thank you L-rd! I talked about Country Boy, EXboyfriend, EXfiance, and all of my fears that I put in my post "Forgiveness?" She noticed that spring is likely to be a tough time for me; Country boy died, I broke up with Exboyfriend and met Exfiance all in the spring months, just a year apart. She warned me that this spring would likely be rough because I'll probably start remembering dates or the rapes, and deaths, and everything else that went to hell in a hand-basket within a couple month's time. I had already suspected that because this past March was tough a whole week before and after the anniversary of his death and then also the week before and after his birthday. These all coincide so from mid-March to mid-April I'm a complete mess. Now that will extend from mid-March to mid-May and it will all come back again in July. Great.

She basically told me I've been living in survival mode since the first rape (over 9 months). My only homework was to make sure I was eating, and eating things that actually count and provide fuel for my body so that I could start to work on the mental healing.  


So, I really like her. I spent most of the hour crying and she finished saying: "You seem like such a sweet girl. Someone who tries to see the best in everyone and also someone who takes everyone else's baggage. That's a heavy load. You also seem to blame yourself for a lot of things that aren't in your control and they aren't your fault." Between her saying these things and her asking for my story, I felt so comforted and understood after this session. I didn't feel this way after talking with the first psychologist/psychiatrist person I saw. I'm so grateful to be able to be with this new lady.

Thank you L-rd for providing this woman, right when I needed her, right in the nick of time.


Exfiance knew I was going to counseling and he called right when it was over. We started talking about if he was excited or nervous for his session in a few days. He said he'd probably tell the therapist to "fuck off" and then leave. I told him it's dumb to even go if he wasn't going to put any effort forth. He said he was only going to "fix us".  

OH MY GOSH!!!

How many times do I have to tell him I'm not getting back together with him? I told him I didn't want to get back together with him. He questioned if I was doing the right thing. I said yes. He said he was trying to do the right thing for us. I told him that he was trying to do the right thing for him and that him trying to get me back was not in my best interest but his. Haha, that pissed him off and he told me he was going to hang up. I said okay! Bye! Hahaha, I don't want to say I win but I definitely did. I'm so over his shit and he thinks I'm dumb enough to go back with him! Sorry, but no. You need to leave me alone you fucker.

Again, I'm sorry for the bad language right after praising the L-rd for His provisions. I'm working out anger... and a lot of other stuff.

Regardless, the pervasive song that keeps popping into my head is "Held" by Natalie Grant. I haven't heard it in years but it keeps popping into my head at random times. Praise the L-rd for this too!

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

[Chorus:]
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

[Chorus:]
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know, that the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held
This is what it means to be held.

Daylight Savings Time = Spring Forward

I highly dislike the Spring Forward of Daylight Savings. Why are we still doing this time change every year? Oy! I have so much to do today and now an hour less time to do it in. Good news, however, is that it is beautiful outside so I went and tanned while watching my teacher's online lecture. I am bound and determined to be 1) tanned this summer, 2) able to wear a two, count 'em TWO, piece bathing suit instead of my current 4 piecer, and 3) I want to go to a bunch of parties, find new friends, and have a good time for the first time since I was about 12 and we had a bunch of kids living on my cul-de-sac. 

I want to go hunting, fishing, tubing (down a river and maybe behind a boat), 4-wheeling, riding horses, possibly practice giving IM's on a friend's critters, and a whole bunch of things that do not have anything to do with school (minus the shots) and hardly any work. I have a feeling I'll be pulling a bunch of doubles, like 4 in a row, so that I can be at the pool for a solid 2 weeks in between working sets. Maybe I could even get a PRN job at a hospital so that I wouldn't even have to do these silly doubles. It's all dependent G-d's planning and timing, but I pray He has a fun, relaxing summer in store for me.

Guys, I've been bad on my weight loss plans. I lost 8 lbs. at one point, then I gained back a couple pounds. I am back down to losing 8 from my heaviest (about 2 months ago). So, that's exciting. However, I want to lose about 15-20 more pounds so that I can wear a modest tankini and get a tan. I also want to wear shorts and a tank top while climbing the Stairs Hike (also so that I can get tan while hiking). This year, I hope to finish that thing in under 30 minutes. We'll see how that goes, but I've been working on increasing my lung capacity through cardio and I'm fixin' to start weight machines so that I can have strong, toned arms and legs. Maybe I'll finally work off the rest of my baby weight (not from having a kid but still just my chub from being a kid) at the age of 19 (almost 20). I'm on SparkPeople though, if you would like to friend me and we can encourage each other and whatnot! My username is: BedpanAlley in case you are interested.

Oh my gosh! I almost forgot about line dancing!!! I'm doing it this summer. There has to be a bar or honky tonk somewhere in this state. I got my boots, found a friend to accompany me, and I know some of the moves, I just need to lose a little weight and find a place to go.

Spring gets me all sorts of excited. I hope summer is actually as fun as I'm dreaming it will be...

Do y'all have summer plans yet? I would love some more ideas!

Daily Thanksgiving: I'm sort of productive today. I have finished a project a week ahead of time twice now! That's huge for me because I am a Procrastinator with a capitol P. I have begun to lose weight and know that I have what it takes. Also, I really enjoy cardio. I could walk on the treadmill or elliptical all day (well, sorta) so now I just have to figure out how to stay motivated on those silly weight machines. My weekend was fantastic and today is gorgeous.

I'll tell you about the first college party I've ever been to tomorrow...

Dear Weather...

Dear weather,

I know you don't control yourself, G-d controls you, but let's just have a tiny little chat. I love snow, don't get me wrong, but it's May... So if we could just go back the the gorgeous weather we had a few days ago, that'd be great! I'm thinkin' some sun, maybe 70-75 degrees (Fahrenheit), and no wind but just the slightest breeze so it doesn't get too hot. Also, if it seems like some kind of precipitation has to happen, let's go for a 4 p.m. rainstorm that lasts a maximum of twenty minutes, then clears up to the sunny, warm summer nights I love so much.

You're a doll!

Sincerely,
BedpanAlley

Weary Soul

Y'all, I'm so exhausted. I am ready for school to be over (1.5 weeks of learning left, then 1 week of finals). I am ready to know where I am going to live next year and I would really like to be able to get a job in a hospital soon! Also, I just want the HESI to be over with (unfortunately, I have not begun studying for it yet...) L-rd willing, I will get into nursing school for fall 2013, but I don't know if that's going to happen and it's stressing me out. At least today is my last lab before my very last anatomy practical (lab test) so I am almost done with A&P. Funny thing is, I just realized that as I was typing. Seeing as I dislike this class very much, I thought I would have had a count-down long ago, but it never even crossed my mind. School just needs to be over and I need to be a nurse and/or a midwife already!!!!!!!!

That brings me to another point of interest: Should I continue on with school for midwifery as soon as I graduate with my BSN? Should I work as a nurse for awhile then go back to school? What if I get married? What about children? Where will I be? Will I even get married? Am I even able to reproduce? How am I going to be able to pay for midwifery school and pay off my undergrad debt? Will I become a nurse at all? Will I even live to see 3-5 years from now? What am I doing here?

I don't know. I have no answers to any of these questions and there is a good chance I will not have any answers for awhile, or at least until G-d decides to tell me what's going on. Maybe He never will and I will just be here, living, doing stuff without knowing why I am doing anything at all...

Yes, I'm still in a funk from the last couple of weeks and it's starting to cause pain in my shoulders and I am not sleeping as well anymore (even with magnesium!).

Daily Thanksgiving: I am not in control of my life, G-d is. If I were in control, my life would be awful! But G-d holds my past, present, and future and He knows what He's doing. I am almost finished with school for the Spring 2013 semester. Summer is almost here which means I only have 1 class for a few months and I will be able to work a lot more in order to save up a little bit for an apartment. My past/future roommate (the same person, it's a long story but I've written about it before) and I found quite a few nice apartments. Some places even have 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms on our price range! I am almost not a freshman and I am almost 1/4-1/5 of the way done with my undergrad degree (depending if I get into the nursing program in the Fall of 2013 or not). G-d is teaching me, yet again, to not worry and to trust Him.

It just occurred to me that I should be telling you guys about my favorite verses and the Bible stories I am reading! So here is one of my favorite verses, I can't remember if I've shared it with you yet or not.

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.

He gave me that verse one day when I was sobbing because of my anxiety about the future. Funny how He has the exact right words to give you and He meets you were you are.

Dating Drama

No, this is not another rant about my current dilemma in the pre-dating phase of my life, this is about a very dear friend of mine. Its about my friends B, P, and Z (P = my guy friend who likes me, B = P's roommate, Z = my close girl friend who is in cahoots with P). Does it feel like algebra again?

Anyway, Z has (had) a crush on B while P had a crush on me. So, P and Z decided to form an alliance and take B and I down. Why? I don't know. Currently I have a theory that there are too many pheromones and hormones going around and since it's spring, people begin to look for mates... This is likely not the case, but that's what I'm sticking with because for girls and guys around the nation, last week sucked in the dating world (at least in my group of friends which includes many more than just these three people).

So, Z had my guy friend (P) ask B if he liked Z or not. Z and P were assuming he had no idea of what was going on, like they assumed I had no idea what was going on. But B had a hunch that she was into him, but he did not "feel" the same way about her. Now my friends heart is broken, but she is taking it like a champ. B probably does not know that Z knows because P told him that Z did not know. For now, everyone is acting like nothing happened. Meanwhile, I don't know what to do. I think B probably doesn't either. Knowing all that has gone on behind the scenes of Z and B, I wonder who knows about P and I. Also, I wonder what is going on and how big of a mess I'm really in because I am obviously only aware of the tip of this iceberg, like B is only aware of the smallest little bit of his iceberg. I am quite convinced I'm going down like the Titanic... Poor B, I just don't like that he is not aware of everything going on because I don't like not knowing all that is going on. Maybe he doesn't care, but I have a feeling he knows more than anyone else knows because I know more than I am supposed to know about my ordeal.

I'm going to need a therapist after this.

At least I am learning about my vast amount of shortcomings when it comes to being a human that, unfortunately, has to interact with other humans that occasionally develop crushes. If more people knew the science behind attraction, would there be less romantic relationships and therefore less unnecessary heartbreak? This science is fascinating to me because it explains all that I cannot understand about other because I have not really been the type of girl to think a guy is "hot" or anything like that. I have never had a boyfriend, and at this point don't really want one (at least for a few more years) but I may never want one. But the explanations and science behind dating, attraction, kissing, etc. is so fascinating and I know what's going on in P. If he knew, then it probably wouldn't be the same because he may chalk it up to pheromones and hormones like I am...

I need to do more research because research is comforting to me. I'll let you guys know what I find. In the meantime, enjoy some facts about kissing (also part of my reasons to not kiss anyone until I kiss my husband on my wedding day):

• Prostitutes do not kiss their clients because it leads to feelings of attachment
• When you kiss someone, hormones are transferred between the two people (especially testosterone and oxytocin - which you likely know leads to feelings of attachment)
• It uses a bunch of muscles in your face which may keep you looking younger
• Kissing burns calories, but not a huge amount

There are others, but I can't remember them. Just Google it and you'll get millions of hits!

Weird Week

When comparing my week with friends, we discovered that most (if not all) people I talked to had a weird week and no one can explain or understand why it seemed weird. I totally don't understand it at all. Alas, this week is over though! Please forgive me if "alas" is not the proper word there, I am trying to expand my vocabulary and cannot seem to make my new words fit into the proper places, but hey, I am trying.

Have you watched Duck Dynasty? Yes, that was a rather abrupt topic change, but I am exhausted and also made the mistake of drinking two sweet teas from Chick-fil-a. Me, the girl who can hardly handle the sugar in a sucker because it makes me hyper, had TWO sweet teas. All of that sugar is making me crazy! I bet there is caffeine in the tea too to add to my sudden odd hyperness even though I am also very sleepy and ready for bed. Anyway, back to Duck Dynasty, it is hilarious! I love the episode where Willie's daughter starts dating this new boy so the Willie and his dad or his brother take the kid hunting and try to intimidate him. I would love if my dad did that! I think it would be hilarious and it would also test the kid's motive a bit more, but it may also be considered threatening so that may not be so good. But definitely watch the show, it's good to release pent up stress hormones and laugh at these hilarious guys.

I had a great day though! We played football again and made more new friends. Then we went to Chick-fil-a, my favorite fast food place (because I do not eat much fast food) instead of the on campus cafeteria. I did not have any tests today and English went by surprisingly fast which is awesome because I love my teacher, but I get so lost in the discussions our class has that I zone out 74.3% of the time. By then, the teacher is calling on me for input and I look like a fool because I don't understand what's going on. I am a science major. I like math. I LOVE complex problems when there is a definate way to get to the solution. English is not my forte because you have to think outside the box. I don't do "outside the box" because my brain does not function that way. I am very left-brained.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful for my friends, this beautiful weather that is sticking around, the weekend, a B on one of my anatomy tests, an awesome chem lab partner, Chick-fil-a, and for football. Even though I had a strange week and took three tests, I had a great time. It's that simple, I am thankful for life.

Oh, and it turns out I did get sunburned yesterday, it just didn't show up until today... I can't remember if I had already written about my sunburn because I am having a really hard time with remembering things today. I was talking with a friend during football and we were comparing our days. I asked her when she went to lunch, which she proceeded to tell me about. About 10 minutes into that conversation, we realized - at the same time - that we had gone to lunch together! I don't know what's up but it is driving me nuts because everyone I talk to is exhausted but antsy to do something, and no one can seem to remember anything today. Plus, everyone has the giggles for no reason. We will just be sitting around laughing because everyone else is laughing but no one knows what we are laughing at. Maybe we were drugged... Doubt it. But what is going on? At least it is providing a bunch of laughs in the meantime so it's not so bad.

Oh It's Beautiful!!!

Has spring sprung for anyone else out there? Where I am is gorgeous! It is even gorgeous enough to make a girl like me, who is sooooo not sports inclined, to play football with my friends. In the process of that, I made a whole bunch of friends with random people that decided they would like to come and join our party. Oh man, I had a blast! I can now even throw an adult sized football about 20 feet and catch one from like 50 feet. Dude, my toss even has a good spiral and usually makes it to the person. Plus, I learned how to catch more than 75% of the throws that were coming my way. Ah, nothing better than playing football to celebrate being done with one week of tests. It finally feels like I am in college, I don't know why it has taken so long to sink in.

By the way, I got a B on my anatomy test. Not what I was hoping for, but definately better than what I thought I was going to get so praise the L-rd!

Daily Thanksgiving: I have so much I am thankful for today, and every day, but especially today. Football, good grades on tests (compared to the class average), friends, sunshine, spring, and a million other things that I cannot think of right now because I am super pumped from football and sunshine. I didn't even burn even though we were outside for over 2 hours. Amazing day!

For those of you who can get outside while it is a decent temperature and sunny, definitely do. I heard (and read) that vitamin D helps with depression and I certainly believe that it has helped get me out of my funk that I have been in for a couple months now. That plus the hormones released when you are with people you like to be with and the hormones that are avoided by having all the good hormones for good moods flowing through your body really helps shake off winter. Sunshine is a plus so get some friends and have a blast outside in the sun.

Another random little tid-bit about myself... I have a bunch of songs stuck in my head, but mainly "Cry With You" by Hunter Hayes. I am not sure why it is stuck in my head, because I have not listened to country (or secular) music for about a month now. Well, not consciously on my own Pandora or radio, maybe through friends. But still, we did not listen to any of his music. In fact, we usually listen to the Disney Pandora station because it is clean and makes us happy to think about being children again. Oh, if life were just simpler...

One of Those Days

Today is just one of those weird kind of days. The simplicity theme has been running through my head, I had two anatomy tests, went to a school function (so out of the ordinary for me), and it got weirder but I don't know why it seems weird. My tests were so hard! I was not expecting these types of tests. My teacher is changing it up from what he had been doing all year long, until now, and I think I may have bombed it. My lab anatomy test was not so bad, but I did not know the material enough for the test despite the 6-8 hours I spent studying with my friend and talking through everything. Oh this class may just kill my nursing college career before I even get into the program! The school function was like a Ms. United States or something, but just for our school. I went to support my friend who, unfortunately, got let go after the first round. My friends were saying it was because there were really strong sorority ties with most of the contestants and she is not in a sorority, but I am not sure.

Do you ever have those days were everything just seems a little off? Do you ever have those days were you are like: "Golly, I look so adorable today!"? Or do you have the days where it's a wonder people look at you in the face at all? Well, it is one of the "I can't believe I have friends with the way I dress and look" kind of days for me. It's a wonder guys ever even look at me as more than a friend because I never wear make-up, dress cute, or do anything that typical girls do to get attention from guys. I'm not even looking for guys' attention. Really, I'm not.

That brings me to my next though... Everyone seems to be pairing up. What's up with that? For some reason it seems that by the time the snow stops and spring is around the corner couples start popping up all over the place. A few of my friends have crushes on others and do not plan on telling their crush about it until summer which is very wise and I appreciate them keeping the group drama free for awhile longer. But more of my friends are in budding relationships and I had no idea when they began because they just sprout up over night and I get sooooooooo confused. What is it about spring? This situation is not good for my cynicism at all. It is coming back in full swing like cancer eating away at my life. That may have seemed dramatic, but it doesn't even fully describe the craziness going on in my head and heart right now.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful that two of my tests are done. I had a great day, weird, but good. I got to spend a lot of time with my friends and even though my friends did not win the contest, we still had a lot of group bonding over preparation for the competition. Most of all, I am glad this day is done and the L-rd has preserved me for another day. He keeps me safe and steady in the palm of His hand.

Strange Week

Is anyone else having a bad or - at the very least - strange week? I have been talking to my friends and they all had awful weeks. One friend failed an exam, another one forgot she was supposed to work tonight, and the list goes on. These are not end-of-the-world type events, but they are definitely wreaking  havoc on my friends' emotions and well-being. What is going on here? I have had several days this week were I just wanted to give up and break down all at the same time. Is it just because we have tests coming up and we are all fried from almost a year of school? Does it have to do with the moon or barometer changes? Today, we had gorgeous weather and lots of sunshine. In the time it takes to walk to all of our classes, we should have gotten sufficient vitamin D. Perhaps we have not allowed it to sink in yet. Another possibility of our off week could be the fact that we are all stir crazy and also homesick. With the spring weather coming at us, it seems about time we are completely finished with school and able to be back with our families. Of coarse, we still have two and a half months to go, but hopefully it will go by quickly and smoothly. I need this year to be over soon, but I also need good grades!

Daily Thanksgiving: It occurred to me that I may have forgotten to do my daily thanksgiving a couple days ago, so I will just do a bunch today as usual in hopes of averaging that out. Today, I am thankful for a really smart, and ridiculously funny chem lab partner. I am so very grateful for the new friends I am making and their ability to hold a conversation without me so I can sit back and observe. Dinner was really good, we went to a restaurant on campus and it was such a good choice! I turned in my RA application on time. My mom got her belated birthday card (because I forgot to bring it home last weekend). She said it made her cry, which turns out to be a good thing in this case. The text she sent me telling me about her response to the card, however, made me tear up during anatomy... Hopefully no one was looking at me, but what she said was so kind and something I really needed to hear/read. I am thankful that I do not have class on Friday, nor do I have to work tomorrow. I get an entire day to study! I am grateful for my private room and the peace I now live in all of the time. When I am not experiencing peace, it is because I am allowing my head to get in the way. Do you think that was enough thanksgivings to even any missed days out? I sure hope so.

Also, I would like to challenge you guys, as individuals, to begin thinking of your own daily thanksgivings. Even when I am having a hard day, it helps to not dwell on the negative, but to focus on what went right that day. I would love to read about your thanksgivings no matter how strange or random they are! Feel free to post below, or on any comment really. You could even send it to my email if you would like. Let's share what G-d is doing in our lives and build each other up!