A lot of people start the new year saying this. It's usually bullshit. The new changes (like exercising more, taking people for granted less, etc, etc) typically don't last long. There will be a couple weeks of solid effort because the person goes back to their normal habits. That's okay. We're all here and we are who we are. So, it's good to start new years off with good intentions, even if those good intentions don't last until February or whatever your second month of the year happens to be.
Since the beginning of this year, I have been fighting to remain alone. EXfiance keeps texting and calling (only calls occasionally) asking me how "we" can "fix" us. I tell him time and time again that "we" do not get to get "fixed" anymore. I tried fixing us when we were still a thing and he didn't think that was important because he didn't think I would actually walk away. Well, buddy, too bad for you that I'm stronger than you thought I was.
He told me he's gonna go get counseling because I've been pestering him about getting counseling for a long time now. We'll see if he actually goes consistently, or if this is another lie. Regardless, I'm not getting back together with him. I'm sick of getting dragged through mud, tar, broken glass, gravel, and a whole host of bacteria just to be left on the side of the road naked and mostly dead (metaphorically).
My job ended on Christmas. My relationship ended a couple days before that. 2016 was a year to start clean. I'm not doing typical New Year's resolutions, I'm just working to help myself right now.
I started exercising with Bikini Body Mommy again, but only lasted two days.
I have gained 10-15 lbs since the break-up.
However, on a very positive note, I got an appointment to start counseling again. This time I am going through an organization that specializes in domestic abuse (I don't think this applies to me) and rape (this part does apply to me). I talked with my counselor today and she told me the first day involves paperwork for about 30 minutes and then we go right into a session. I'm hoping it doesn't take three sessions of babbling to get me to a point where we are actually working on anything.
I find myself wishing the L-rd would punish these guys for what they did. Damn, if that means it was my fault then punish me. But if it wasn't me, then I want them to understand that what they did was wrong. I don't believe in karma or in seeking revenge. The Bible, however, says that G-d deals justly and gives good to those who are good and bad to those who are bad. I've gotten a lot of bad being with the not-so-good guys in my life. Things are starting to get better but it's taking a lot of time.
Mostly, I want to know that not pressing charges was an okay thing to do. I need to know that if I happened to get up in front of a jury and they heard my side and the guys' sides, that the jury would let me know that it wasn't my fault. I also want apologies.
I want them, the guys, to tell me that they're sorry for what happened. Not sorry that I broke up with them or got mad. No, sorry that I have to deal with the nightmares, panic attacks, pieces of my family that they left behind, the knowledge that I will never get to go to my marriage bed pure. Most of all, I want them to understand how hard it is to live with the fact that these fuckers couldn't keep their dicks to themselves and caused this much damage to the point where I don't want to live anymore. I want them to understand that. It's not just an "oops my penis entered your body, my bad" kind of a situation. This is a, "you couldn't control yourself or see past your own desires at one point in time and now I want to die" kind of a situation. I want them to understand that what may seem like a little mistake to them is something that causes so much pain in others. I bear the brunt of it, but now my mom, brother, and a few friends have to share in the knowledge that a very sweet girl was stupid enough to have this done to her twice.
I know that multiple rapes are not very scarce. I am not saying other girls are stupid for getting raped twice. I'm saying that I feel stupid for allowing it to happen twice to me because I could have prevented it.
I want to know that the L-rd has better things in store and that He says that I'm clean. I want my memories of these two guys erased and the pain to be no more. I want to not have to live this life anymore.
I'm so very tired.
If you guys remember, I met Exboyfriend last year on New Year's Day right around 2 a.m. at a New Year's Eve dance. Funny to think that so much shit has happened to one person in a year. Other people go through more, but it's just something I watch from the sidelines. It's something else entirely to go through this personally.
So, for all of you starting new years out there, I know I'm a little late but I hope you guys have a good 2016. I pray that you guys have healthy years, full of love and laughter. I want you guys to find joy in your every day life and have some fun with those you love. Make time for friends and family. If you don't feel good, take a few days to rest and get yourself better. Keep up on you so that the rest of us can enjoy time with you when you're feeling better. Many of you have struggled with health issues, personal problems, and a whole host of troubles this last year; I'm right there with you. Don't think I don't remember you guys and your sufferings too (if you told them to me or wrote them in your blogs), I'm just reliving my troubles again. Sorry about that.
Blessings guys.
No comments:
Post a Comment