Roomie and I had a fight today.
Let's start off by saying that I am not the easiest person to live with, but I do try to be accommodating. I know that I have weird quirks and depression and that a lot of people don't understand. I thought Roomie understood and was great at helping, but we lost it somewhere along the way.
The apartment we live in used to be occupied by Roomie and Roomie's mother when the mother and father split up for a short time. The dad moved to Hot State and the mother stayed here in Home State.
After months and months of separation, the mother decided to move to Hot State to be with her husband and they worked it out. Yay!
Unfortunately for Roomie, this left her and her family in a bind. She is one of four children, three girls and a boy. The boy was in Hot State with the dad, but the girls had stayed behind with their mom. Eventually, as the mom decided to move with the dad, the other kids decided to follow suit and they all moved at about the same time.
Roomie, however, had to stay behind in Home State because of nursing school because nursing school credits do not transfer. This means she needed someone to help with the bills.
At the same time that her family was deciding this all out, I was sent a text from ex-roommate (the girl I lived with last year) that she didn't want to live with me anymore. Then I got yelled at by her and her mom for not knowing that she was uncomfortable and then I got yelled at for them making plans and now I wouldn't be paying half the bills... whatever, they made the plans without me and honestly, it's their problem. That sounds calloused and rude, but they were some of those people who throw a fit just to see if they'll get free food at restaurants. Then they get free food. Or they throw a fit and yell and people (their "friends") and then their friends do what they want until the friends can't take their shit anymore and slowly fade away from their lives... I left with a hardcore cut to the ties. What 22 year old girl has to have their mother call and yell at their roommate for things the roommate (me) was never aware of because the girl (ex-roommate) never communicated a single thing? Seriously, pull on your big-girl-panties and cut that fucking umbilical cord.
Back to the story...
I texted a bunch of friends while on summer vacation and quickly found a place to live. Roomie was the first to respond and it sounded like a great deal. She could only afford $500 so she said her family was okay with me only paying that much. I offered more money, several times, for bills and cable but she refused it. Okay, then $500 a month it is.
The first couple nights, one of her sisters was still living at the apartment with us because she hadn't yet finished out her time at her job. Fine, I can handle a couple days with somebody else's family. A few weeks later, Roomie's mother comes back to Home State to visit. Roomie specifically told me that her mother would only stay at our apartment a couple nights of the 3 weeks she was visiting Home State. Well, the mother stayed every single night, in our living room, on the floor, except for 2 nights... OF THE ENTIRE 3 FUCKING WEEKS!!! She would get irritated if I had to go to class early and I disturbed her sleep because I was leaving the apartment or getting coffee. I figured that she could stay in Roomie's room as she was supposed to do, but if she wasn't going to do that then it wasn't my fault that her vacation sleep was ruined by my necessity to go to school and clinicals. The mother was at the apartment watching t.v., cooking, doing her laundry, taking baths (daily), and doing as she normally did when she lived there. Fine, whatever.
She eventually left and life ensued with Roomie, it was great. A few weeks (3-4 weeks) go by and Roomie informs me her mother will be coming to visit again. Again, I get told the mother will not be at our apartment much during her three week stay. Again, she was in the apartment, carrying on with her life as though she had never left. She was there all the time, even when Roomie wasn't there. I get that she is from out of town and wanted to come and visit, but having strangers in my house is incredibly uncomfortable. I gritted my teeth and beared it. They kept wondering about me when I slept too much. They worried when I didn't eat family dinners with them or when I told the mom I had already eaten when she decided to cook a meal and her daughter wasn't even home from clinicals for the day.
Another month later and I was informed again that the mother would be coming for another 2-3 weeks stay. I survived the entire stay with the random people coming through and the mother staying at the apartment and going out as she wished. On the last day, Roomie started setting up for a birthday party at our apartment. I asked who's birthday it was and she said it was her mom's and that they were going to have a party for her and they invited a few of her friends and family members to come over and celebrate. Imagine my surprise that I had not been warned about this, but it was occurring at my house! So I asked nicely, if she wouldn't mind telling me in the future when people were planning on coming over. That way, I wouldn't feel like I needed to be locked in my room because I hadn't gotten a shower that day when there are a billion and five complete strangers and Roomie's mom in the apartment at every moment of the day. She agreed and apologized that it must have been strange to come home from school and have an audience when I thought I was going to have the apartment to myself for a short time.
Life went on and it seemed to get better.
The next month was winter break or something, so Roomie went to Hot State and I got some time off from being with people. Towards the end of the break, she had planned to have her boyfriend come in from Cajun Country to visit her. So, I decided that would be a nice time to go visit my family and give Roomie and her boyfriend some quality time together.
Break ended and two weeks into school. She told me her mother and sister were coming to Home State to come and visit their friends and the sister wanted to see her boyfriend. The rule about warning me before random people came over lasted for a solid two days. Pretty soon they were at the apartment all the time and I spent a lot of time sleeping. Honestly, I had just broken up with exfiance, I was depressed, I was tired from school, I was struggling, and I didn't want to deal with more people that I don't know and I'm not comfortable with! During this stay, the mother mentioned to Roomie that she thought I didn't like her. Naturally, this leads Roomie to feel the need to confront me about the situation because heaven forbid that somebody is simply going through a rough patch in life and cannot pretend to be happy to please somebody's family 24/7. I told her that I was just tired and having a hard time. She let it go, for the time, and I started forcing myself to stay awake, even when I was exhausted, simply because they were over and they wanted everyone to smile and say "hi!" every time they came in the door. I can't remember what I told Roomie, but her mother didn't stay at our apartment as much during that stay, until closer to the end of the stay.
I got another month break and here they come again to Home State. This time, I was assured that the mother would stay with her friend the entire time and would only come over to take the dog on walks. Fine. This, again, was a lie. The mom was over all the time. She would come over, watch t.v., use Roomie's car, take naps in the apartment when Roomie wasn't there but I was, and carry on with her baths. This time, I was over it. I was working on school and overwhelmed, so I kept my door shut so I wouldn't have to make small-talk with this strange woman in my apartment before I even got a chance to shower because she would shower and then turn on every hot water appliance in the house and I would have no hot water. I don't like to see people before I get a shower. Also keep in mind, I was dealing with insomnia, severe PTSD, flashbacks, depression, school, and a whole host of other life problems that do not need some overly cheery lady to be the cherry on top.
I get it, having people who are always happy are a joy in life. However, it is also unsustainable and fake to be always happy. One thing that I've learned is that some people who are always "happy", and there are not many in the world, have no ability to handle real-life events. They ignore the bad and put on a false front so that their appearance looks good to the public. In fact, they cause more problems for themselves because they don't allow anything to be anything more than superficial. What kind of life is that?
So, it's great that she is happy. Awesome for her. For me, I was going through a legit life crisis and I was barely surviving each day without 1) cutting or 2) taking my own life. I'm dead serious about that. In fact, there were some days with Roomie's family being here all the time, that I had to cut because there was no other escape. I would then pop about 8-10 benadryl, 2-3 tylenol, and 4 ibuprofen at noon or whenever I got done with class, and I would sleep the whole rest of the day. That was my escape because I had no time alone and no time to just rest without some stranger, either the mom or her sister or her, in my face and trying to continue on with small talk for hours on end. I don't know about you, but small-talk is a huge waste of my time. I have real thoughts and deep seated opinions. I am a girl who does not talk much because most of the talk seems like fluff. But, if I have something to say you better believe I will try to at least say a little bit, but I won't fight to be heard.
Roomie confronted me after her mom left from that visit and told me, again, that her mom had mentioned that she felt like I didn't like her. Oh my gosh lady, it's okay if not everyone likes you. Also, just because someone can't be around you all the time doesn't mean I don't like you, it just means your a little too much to take in for someone who needs a lot of down time. Seriously, grow up. I didn't say that, I just told her that it's not that I don't like her, I was just going through a lot.
I had another month of peace, then her boyfriend came. The boyfriends spring break was the week before ours so she was in class and clinical all week while I was at home (because I didn't have clinical at that time) with him... alone... after severe trauma from two guys. I let it slide, saying that he really had no place to go. I spent a lot of time shopping and dragging out time I had to go to class. I also went and stayed at my parent's house the weekend he originally got there and the weekend at the end of his stay here to give them time. I didn't think it was fair that I was left with him while she went about her life. Why did she not just schedule for him to visit her a different time? Why didn't she just move her schedule around to be with him more? Why is it okay to just let random strangers that I had legitimately never met before stay at my apartment with me? She didn't even introduce him, she let me introduce myself the next day after she picked him up from the airport because she was gone at class. That was ridiculously uncomfortable. The whole week sucked. I can't take a shower, I can't go to the bathroom, I can't cook, I can't do anything without answering to this guy because he's the guest and I feel like I'm supposed to play hostess to him since she's not ever there. Is that fair or am I just being a bitch?
Fast track maybe two weeks, her mom is back. I did my best to stay busy with clinicals, leaving early and staying late to avoid being home when they were awake. Roomie warned me maybe the first two days about random times when her mom would drop by, but mostly it was a one warning system made it acceptable for the mom to stop by whenever she damn well felt like it for the rest of her fucking trip. I survived it, said hi maybe once but I wasn't being overly nice and I didn't come out of my room, but I left the door open to make sure her mom didn't have hurt feelings because apparently I'm just a heartless meanie pants who doesn't care about other people's feelings. That is my own wording, but it was mentioned that they didn't feel comfortable at the apartment because I was not very inviting and welcoming.
That leads us to today. The mother and one of the sisters flew in on Sunday night. This weekend, I came down with a really bad cold or flu or something. I lost my voice (legit) because I cough so much, but the fever only lasted a couple days. Sunday, I was recovering and I slept all day. Roomie came into my room around noon, upset that I wasn't out in the living room talking to her. I told her that I had been sleeping all day because I was sick and I had told her the day before that I was sick. She went out of my room in a bit of a huff and kept to texting me the rest of the day to "warn" me about her mom and sister's plans for their vacation here. I was told, not asked, that they would be spending Sunday night at our place. A couple minutes later that was retracted and I was told they were just going to come over for a few minutes to visit when their flight got in. Great, do what you want.
The next day I was again told, not asked, that her sister would be spending the night, while her sister was here at the apartment. It's not like I could say no, even if it was a bad time for me, because the sister was there. So I told her okay. Roomie told me that they would stay in her room as to "not bother me". Her exact words. I never told her that I was bothered by them. They can keep the door open and do as they wish, I don't care, just give me a heads up if I need to go find another place to live because you're moving your whole family back into our two bedroom apartment. The night came and passed. Next morning I got a text saying that her mom would be "stopping in to take the dog for a walk with the sister, then they would drop the dog off and go about their day." To me, this sounds like the dog will be here when I get home, but no strangers. Right? Next day, I went to counseling, then I walked around 2 different stores for the next three hours to make sure that enough time was given that I would not be impeding on their plans or their "short" visits that ended up lasting a whole fucking 6 hours, consistently.
By the time I got home, there was loud music playing from Roomie's room, and I kept hearing someone. I texted her and asked if she was home. She said "no." I said "okay, I just keep hearing someone in there and I was wondering if it was you." She said "no, it's my sister and I (Roomie) mentioned she was spending the night last night."
By this time, it was about 4 in the afternoon and the earlier text about her mom taking the dog for a walk sounded like her sister and mom would not be here. When Roomie finally got home, she went into her room and closed her door. I heard her and her sister talking in quiet voices, but they sounded angry. Her sister left, then she came into my room and confronted me about it. I didn't yell, but it was hard to keep my voice level between her beginning to get rialed up and me having a hoarse voice right now. She told me it wasn't fair for me to ask her not to see her family. I told her I am glad that she gets to visit with her family and that they are in town, but I didn't feel like it was fair that the family stays at the apartment without Roomie being there and without even a text to tell me she'll be here when I get home. What if I had been so freaked out that I grabbed my gun? Honestly, I had no way of knowing that there would have been someone that is supposed to be there. I told Roomie that too, that my understanding of the texts was this. She said, "well, I told you she was spending the night!" I responded with, "yes, but I didn't know that means she was going to stay the whole next day." She kept saying something like, "do you expect me to just not see my family? Am I not supposed to have them over and I just have to go out and meet them somewhere because you don't want them over?" I told her "no, I just needed a text to know that someone was going to be home. We agreed on this several months ago and I think it was just a miscommunication, but I had no idea she was going to be here."
That sent her into a bit of a rage. She told me I'm hard to live with and that she feels like she has to walk on eggshells around me because I don't ever want anyone over. She told me that it's not fair that I go into my room when her family comes over because they think I hate them and it's so terrible that I didn't even go out and say hi to them when they got there. I reminded her that I try to at least say hi and be cordial when they come, but that I've been sick the past two times they've been here and I have stuff going on too and I am overwhelmed by them. Blah, blah, blah, she made the swirly motion with her finger while telling me I was making something up. I finally had the mental ability to tell her that that was not a fair thing to tell me because her family was making up the idea that I hate them. She got mad at me trying to keep the "discussion" fair and she told me her family was going to come over because she wants to spend time with them. I told her I didn't think it was fair that her plans kept changing and that left me with no place to live. I was originally supposed to be able to stay here the night after graduation, because I need to be down here the next day for things that are happening. Then she moved the day to me only being able to stay Thursday night, then she said I couldn't even stay there Thursday night because her family was going to pack up the u-haul and there would be no furniture and her family wanted to all (all other 3 siblings, both of her parents, her boyfriend, and herself) stay there Thursday and Friday nights and she suggested I go stay at Brother's apartment or find another place to stay. She got mad at that too.
The "conversation" ended with me telling her I would have my stuff out by Monday. She said that works since I'll be staying with my mom over the weekend to "help" her. That opened up me confessing that I was only going to Denver so that she could spend time with her family without me making them feel uncomfortable. She didn't talk much after that...
She walked away, and went to her room. A few minutes later, as I went back to packing, she went into the kitchen and started slamming doors, banging dishes, shutting cabinets with such force I'm surprised they didn't fall off the hinges. I continued to pack calmly, waiting for the time that I was finally scheduled to leave to go out with my clinical group for dinner and drinks.
The time came and I had a blast. Mid-way through dinner, Roomie sent me a really long text telling me that she thinks it's a good idea for me to move out early and that she will reimburse me for part of the rent I'll be missing because I'm leaving early. She told me that she is going to focus on enjoying her family and that "she is sorry it ended like this." She also reiterated that I'm difficult to live with and that she has given up a lot to make me more "comfortable" and feels that I am basically being unreasonable in requesting her family to not spend so much time there because they technically do not live here anymore and it's my living place too.
Long story short, I'm moving out tomorrow and not even waiting until Monday. I will be making the hour-long commute for the next couple of weeks for the several days that I have class or other obligations. And, I lost another friend. Someone who I thought was close with me, but dropped me when I was unwilling to give in to her other demands. Normally, I and everyone else give into what she wants because she comes to us crying and I know that I, personally, have not been able to avoid my people-pleasing tendencies... until now. I talked with Counselor about boundaries a couple hours before this whole thing went down and I'm not even really upset. I'm stressed, but it's not as bad as it could be. I talked to Best Friend about it and he told me I'm being reasonable in asking to not have her family practically living here every other month. Honestly, in no roommate situation I've ever been in or seen, has it been okay to have your family come and stay and run the household for weeks at a time while their host is not even there most of the time! This was her first experience with a roommate, but I don't think there are realistic expectations for what a roommate situation will actually look like for her. She is moving in with her boyfriend and his best buddy and that guy's girlfriend... She's not only getting 3 new roommates, but she's moving into a house and will have two couples under one roof. I honestly do not see this ending well, but hey, not my life. She asked my opinion, I told her it sounded like a really bad idea and she told me that she was going to go ahead and do it anyway because she thinks the girl is nice. Well, okay, I hope it works out well for you bud, I truly do.
Dear Roomie,
First of all, know that I have no anger, resentment, or malice in my heart towards you. I also know I have a lot to learn about life still, but I've been on my own for 4 years now. You learn a lot when you finally live with people who are not your family, and in a place where your family is not living and at your beck and call. I've learned a lot and I started off really independent before I moved away from my parents.
In your one year with me, actually like 8 months, you've learned some. Just know that though I may be hard to live with because of my depression/PTSD/trauma/bipolar, but there are worse roommates out there, and they are abundant. Not everyone is going to react as well to your many confrontations as I did. Not everyone will shut down when you yell at them and then give in to you because they have little to no mental functioning due to their traumatic pasts. Not everyone will leave you with a hug, when you ask unreasonable things and then kick them out. Not many people will deal with the amount of your family interaction and time of them hanging out in the house without you being there, as I have. I can promise you that.
I'm hard to deal with because of mental illness and a hermit tendency, but I try my best to listen and to try to understand your frustration and the point of why you're upset, friends don't even always do that! I hope you have nothing but good experiences, but from my short time on earth and the statistics classes I had to take in school, I know that that is not even really probable. I pray that some day, you look back and realize that what I was asking was not crazy, nor was it strange. I want you to understand that even though I'm hard to live with, I was actually a decent roommate who tried with my whole heart to make you happy while staying true to myself. I want you to know that you helped me, but that you also could have asked me to stop talking about things. Granted, you did ask me to stop talking about ex-fiance when I didn't break up with him as you requested. I bent over backwards for you and I hope that someday, you'll see that I really did try and that I really wasn't a bad roommate.
Sincerely,
Your Former Roommate
BedpanAlley
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