New Year of 2017!

Some of you may wonder what I've been up to for the past couple months...

Well, not much besides working. Work is getting better, mostly because I decided to stop bitching about problems that I can't fix, and working on either 1) fixing or 2) avoiding the problems I can. I know avoidance doesn't sound good, but sometimes it's okay. For instance, if there is a particular charge nurse that you do not work well with, it is okay to not sign up for her nights. Whether to simply give yourself a break or to not have to worry about being around her, or both. However, things with her are better, still awkward, but slightly better. I think she's trying to be nicer to everyone.

We have four new girls coming onto night shift in the next few months. One was a med/surg nurse for awhile and the others are new grads, I believe. Ummm, is it just me or does this seem like a bad idea? They are already upset about so many "inexperienced" girls being on the staffing sheet, let's add in a bunch of other complete newbies! I'm not saying we shouldn't give these new girls a chance, I'm just nervous that we don't have near enough experience on the night shift. If they are considering me "experienced", then we have a major issue.

I lost my first baby. Not lose as in misplace, I'm talking lose as in the baby went back to be with Jesus. It was a bitter sweet experience because those babies had a very small chance of survival, for how early they were and the start they had. And, if they had survived, their quality of life would have been terrible. I cried. I was holding it together until my ICU nurse turned NICU nurse friend started crying as she asked if I was okay. I kept baby alive for 10 hours, without sitting down/drinking/eating once in that amount of time.

There were constant drip changes, tests, blood gases, vent changes, glucose tests, IV insertions, bagging, and various other cared during that time. These babies, they were twins, fought so hard. The doctor was called constantly throughout the night and finally came in as all cares were maxed out. Doctor came in, for the third time that night, and he asked the parents if they wanted to pull support. We discontinued and capped off IV's and umbilical lines. We removed all wires we could, without putting the baby through more pain, and we gently swaddled them in the most beautiful blankets we could find. Finally, we removed their ET tubes and handed the babies to shocked parents.

Our worlds can change in an instant. In one moment, we can be excited for new babies, and picking out baby clothes, beds, and the like. In the very next breath, mere infants can float straight up to the Good L-rd's open arms.

That was my first night of 4. Following the 4 nights, I hopped on a bus headed to Home Town and visited a hot springs location with my mom. That week was so wonderful. We have 3 nights and 4 days at the hot springs, threw in a massage (my first massage ever), and had tons of time to talk over life while relaxing in the warm water. Yep, I'm gonna start getting more massages regularly. I'm working on self-care lately. I'm attempting to get an exercise plan and a workout buddy, but we'll see how far I get with that.

Well, that's all I've got for now. It's been 2 years since I met exboyfriend, and it's been over a year since I ever saw exfiance (except when he found me at that bar and the Angry Canadian from nursing school told him off for me.

Flashbacks come more in waves like memories would as opposed to the overwhelming drownings I used to live through on a minute by minute basis. These memories haunt me every day, but I am learning to survive and breathe through the waves and ground myself more efficiently.

Life rolls on and I am getting farther and farther from those guys. Man alive, I can't believe we're already about a month into the new year. Time is just flying by now that school is done.

Oh the beach!

Y'all, I just got back last night from a 2 week vacation and it was amazing! Sorry about the extended radio silence. A week at the beach and a week (split into two little pieces) of visiting with my family that lives in the south. Oh man, they are funny and boy can they cook.

We drove home to Home State and got in at about 0400 time there. I could have been dropped off at my new home, but I wanted to go back to get my dog. So, mom let me come to Home State, pick up the puppy (she's about 9 now) and then mom drove puppy and I back to Small Town yesterday. Actually, I drove but she was there. She just left here for Home State about an hour ago. I miss her terribly already...

Paperwork finally went through and I got to register for my NCLEX! *screams silently in head* I'm terrified. This is scary!!! What if I fail? Then I have to pay to take it again and my nursing permit will be revoked so I will be out of work until I pass it. Oh goodness, how could I handle that? How could I handle another thing wrong, I still feel like I'm on a constant teeter-totter and could fall into a pit that I'll never be able to get out of. I feel like I could drown at any moment and just not take another breath because of sheer exhaustion of surviving. Anyway, since the paperwork is in and I registered for the NCLEX, it'll take up to 10 business days from the day they processed it for me to get my permit so I can start working. Hopefully it happens sooner than that because I'd really like to begin working. Mema says they have babies again which is good for me but scary for the poor parents. It's one of those double-edged swords that makes nursing difficult.

So, it's just me a Puppy figuring out how to live in Small Town and getting our schedules back in order. Praise the L-rd for His timing and His provisions. I'm just barely making it, with loans from my parents and my one credit card nearly maxed out (and hardly any money in the bank). Money is tighter right now than it was when I was in college! Ah well, I'm hoping everything will get settled here shortly.

Beautiful Shabbat

Y'all, I actually rested today! I read Torah portion in bed, then stayed in bed all day long. That's over exaggerated, I left bed to use the bathroom and to get food or water, but besides that I stayed in bed. I got to nap and watch some movies and shows and it was just beautiful to be able to not worry about anything.

I also got my grade back from my last anatomy lab test... drumroll... G-d gave me a 94%!!! If only I would have studied harder for my other lab tests, then I wouldn't be looking at getting a B in anatomy, but I was foolish. Anyway, praise the L-rd for giving me my first A on an anatomy lab test this semester. That good grade gave me motivation to get started studying for chem (after sunset of course) which is why I am up at 11:30 writing this post instead of sleeping like I ought to do.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am so very thankful for Shabbat, this beautiful day of rest G-d has given us because He knows life gets busy and He wants us to make time for Him and time for rest. I am still not keeping Shabbat like I should, but I will get there. I got to take a nap! Yesterday I also packed a lot of my room and now it's really empty, but it felt good to get something productive done without having to continue studying. G-d gave me an excellent grade on my last anatomy lab test and I was totally expecting a low B or C!

Apartment Hunting

This is a difficult job because it is so time consuming. While it is exciting, it is also a tedious and exhausting process, but hopefully we will find a great apartment and get to move in this summer! It's kind of frustrating though because really nice places pop up in my search and I can't wait until I can afford a nicer place, but that will not be for a very, very long time. Probably like 8 years... Thank you loans and student debt!

I am so excited though. I will get to have a shotgun of my very own in my room and I will be a big girl living without parental ties. Right now I have everything that I can't use at school at home with my parents, but after this summer, that will no longer be the case. Too bad I can't just live with them because I would have good food and no rent or bills to pay, but that just won't work right now. Maybe I can live with them while I am completing my Midwife courses!

Anyway, Shabbat Shalom! I hope y'all have a good day of rest and I hope you actually get to rest and thank G-d for this beautiful day.

Daily Thanksgiving: It's Shabbat! I get to rest and relax and do a whole lot of nothing after my very busy, stressful week.

Weird Week

When comparing my week with friends, we discovered that most (if not all) people I talked to had a weird week and no one can explain or understand why it seemed weird. I totally don't understand it at all. Alas, this week is over though! Please forgive me if "alas" is not the proper word there, I am trying to expand my vocabulary and cannot seem to make my new words fit into the proper places, but hey, I am trying.

Have you watched Duck Dynasty? Yes, that was a rather abrupt topic change, but I am exhausted and also made the mistake of drinking two sweet teas from Chick-fil-a. Me, the girl who can hardly handle the sugar in a sucker because it makes me hyper, had TWO sweet teas. All of that sugar is making me crazy! I bet there is caffeine in the tea too to add to my sudden odd hyperness even though I am also very sleepy and ready for bed. Anyway, back to Duck Dynasty, it is hilarious! I love the episode where Willie's daughter starts dating this new boy so the Willie and his dad or his brother take the kid hunting and try to intimidate him. I would love if my dad did that! I think it would be hilarious and it would also test the kid's motive a bit more, but it may also be considered threatening so that may not be so good. But definitely watch the show, it's good to release pent up stress hormones and laugh at these hilarious guys.

I had a great day though! We played football again and made more new friends. Then we went to Chick-fil-a, my favorite fast food place (because I do not eat much fast food) instead of the on campus cafeteria. I did not have any tests today and English went by surprisingly fast which is awesome because I love my teacher, but I get so lost in the discussions our class has that I zone out 74.3% of the time. By then, the teacher is calling on me for input and I look like a fool because I don't understand what's going on. I am a science major. I like math. I LOVE complex problems when there is a definate way to get to the solution. English is not my forte because you have to think outside the box. I don't do "outside the box" because my brain does not function that way. I am very left-brained.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful for my friends, this beautiful weather that is sticking around, the weekend, a B on one of my anatomy tests, an awesome chem lab partner, Chick-fil-a, and for football. Even though I had a strange week and took three tests, I had a great time. It's that simple, I am thankful for life.

Oh, and it turns out I did get sunburned yesterday, it just didn't show up until today... I can't remember if I had already written about my sunburn because I am having a really hard time with remembering things today. I was talking with a friend during football and we were comparing our days. I asked her when she went to lunch, which she proceeded to tell me about. About 10 minutes into that conversation, we realized - at the same time - that we had gone to lunch together! I don't know what's up but it is driving me nuts because everyone I talk to is exhausted but antsy to do something, and no one can seem to remember anything today. Plus, everyone has the giggles for no reason. We will just be sitting around laughing because everyone else is laughing but no one knows what we are laughing at. Maybe we were drugged... Doubt it. But what is going on? At least it is providing a bunch of laughs in the meantime so it's not so bad.

Oh It's Beautiful!!!

Has spring sprung for anyone else out there? Where I am is gorgeous! It is even gorgeous enough to make a girl like me, who is sooooo not sports inclined, to play football with my friends. In the process of that, I made a whole bunch of friends with random people that decided they would like to come and join our party. Oh man, I had a blast! I can now even throw an adult sized football about 20 feet and catch one from like 50 feet. Dude, my toss even has a good spiral and usually makes it to the person. Plus, I learned how to catch more than 75% of the throws that were coming my way. Ah, nothing better than playing football to celebrate being done with one week of tests. It finally feels like I am in college, I don't know why it has taken so long to sink in.

By the way, I got a B on my anatomy test. Not what I was hoping for, but definately better than what I thought I was going to get so praise the L-rd!

Daily Thanksgiving: I have so much I am thankful for today, and every day, but especially today. Football, good grades on tests (compared to the class average), friends, sunshine, spring, and a million other things that I cannot think of right now because I am super pumped from football and sunshine. I didn't even burn even though we were outside for over 2 hours. Amazing day!

For those of you who can get outside while it is a decent temperature and sunny, definitely do. I heard (and read) that vitamin D helps with depression and I certainly believe that it has helped get me out of my funk that I have been in for a couple months now. That plus the hormones released when you are with people you like to be with and the hormones that are avoided by having all the good hormones for good moods flowing through your body really helps shake off winter. Sunshine is a plus so get some friends and have a blast outside in the sun.

Another random little tid-bit about myself... I have a bunch of songs stuck in my head, but mainly "Cry With You" by Hunter Hayes. I am not sure why it is stuck in my head, because I have not listened to country (or secular) music for about a month now. Well, not consciously on my own Pandora or radio, maybe through friends. But still, we did not listen to any of his music. In fact, we usually listen to the Disney Pandora station because it is clean and makes us happy to think about being children again. Oh, if life were just simpler...

The Return of Cynicism

Y'all, I don't know if it is a mineral imbalance, or a hormonal imbalance, or just general mental problems but my cynicism is returning with a vengeance! For a few months I have been more hopeful than normal, I have tolerated romantic movies and country music fairly well, but not any longer. Maybe it is because I quit watching and listening to all of those things cold-turkey, or maybe my depression is returning. So many things could be causing this, but it is quite unfortunate and quite annoying that I cannot control my own thinking.

For those of you that do not know what cynicism (because I did not know until a few weeks ago, even though several people have told me I am cynical), here is the definition according to www.thefreedictionary.com: " An attitude of scornful or jaded negativity, especially a general distrust of the integrity or professed motives of others."

What caused me to be this way in the first place? I am not sure. Maybe it was all of the people whom I trusted as friends that turned out to not be my friend. It could be from me learning that I cannot trust people for anything, no matter the circumstance. Perhaps I am just paranoid, though it seems there should be a cause... I am just not sure. So, in the meantime, I am working on it. Does anyone else struggle with general distrust of EVERYONE? Do you have any tips for me?

Moving on: I went to an RA meeting/group observance thing today. It was kind of strange because they split us up into big groups of 16 or so, then observe us as we work together in a group to accomplish tasks. This requires a significant amount of ability to be heard and to speak up. Haha, I do not necessarily have these qualities. I do have good ideas, I am just not so good at knowing when others will stop talking so I can share them because I was taught to not talk over people because it is rude. L-rd willing, my proper manners will not get in the way of an RA job. But, again, that depends on whether G-d wants me to be an RA or not.

Daily Thanksgiving: The RA meeting thing ended 3 hours early, just like I had prayed for it to end! It's crazy the ways G-d answers prayers! Absolutely amazing. I got to spend time with my friends just being able to do nothing but talk and watch silly YouTube videos. I love Shabbat. Than reminds me... Shabbat Shalom!