Worst Part About Break-ups

Seeing as this is the second official break-up I've had from a guy, kinda my third (if you count the kid I "dated" for three weeks by avoiding him the entire time). However, the worst parts about a break-up for me are 1) missing the guy's family, 2) having so much left unsaid and so many questions unanswered, 3) missing the guy's company, and 4) being angry about what they did/didn't do. Now, they are all fairly equal in my brain, but I go through cycles where each one seems more prominent at any given time.

1) I miss their families terribly. Trial-run's mom loved me. Country Boy's mom (even though we didn't date) loved me. Exboyfriend's whole entire immediate and extended family loved me. Exfiance's mom absolutely adored me and even took me shopping. Unfortunately for me, I loved all of these people too! Breaking up with the guy automatically breaks me off from being loved by their families, but I almost miss their families more than I miss the guy because I felt so wanted and accepted into another person's life. Their families thought I was good for the guys and their families typically hadn't liked other girls they had brought home and so they were somehow surprised that they liked me when I was brought around. I miss that and the relationships I had developed with the family members. I loved that when the guy and I were fake arguing in front of them, the family members usually took my side. Haha, they were all jokes, but some of the fake arguments had roots in discussions where I had supported my side and the guy didn't understand until his family took my side.

2) This is the worst. Since Country Boy died, I obviously have so much left unsaid to him.

When I broke up with Exboyfriend, I only told him that what he did was not okay. I wish I could have told him that what he did was rape and that he absolutely needs to not do that to anyone else. I wish I could let him know how badly I'm messed up because of that, but I don't want to mess him up or make him feel guilty. I'm scared that could lead to another suicide like Country Boy.

With Exfiance, I have been terrible. I have been yelling at him over text and questioning everything. He told me the other day that he was sick and tired of me questioning what he's told me. I apologized for taking my anger out on him and being a bitch. It's not like I was harassing him, but he would text me and that would always end up with me picking a fight because I'm ridiculously angry at him for lying to me and hurting me for so long. I'm mad at myself for believing and defending him.

The other night, when I was up at 0200 the night before my class because I can't sleep lately, I wrote a text and decided not to send it because I didn't want to hurt him more than I have. I don't believe in revenge or hurting people just because they hurt me. However, since I couldn't tell him, I figured I would put it here so that I get it out. So, here it is: "I hate that I no longer get to be around your mom or your family in *other state* because I absolutely loved them. I hate that I have to get over the fact that the future I built in my head with you was all bullshit and will never happen. It makes me angry that I can't stop myself from wanting to talk to you, even though our relationship was based on lies and it wasn't ever really a healthy relationship by an means. I hate that my siled treatment doesn't last more than a few hours or a day with you. I hate that I haven't been able to sleep in days, even though I need to so that I can maybe escapre the constant noise and self-doubt in my head. I'm so angry at you and I hate that you made me cry. But, sometimes I hate that I can't cry because I'm out of tears and my heart moved on a long time ago. I hate that I'm so angry and that as soon as I had started feeling better from him (exboyfriend) and started trusting you, you found me and now I'm even worse than I was before. I hate yelling at you but I feel like I need to tell you these things. I hate having flashbacks of you, and him (exbf), and Country Boy every single stupid day. Several times an hour, in fact. I hate that I feel like there's nothing else for me to live for because I am completely convinced that I will never be happy, or be able to escape what has happened, for the rest of my life."

I know, I sound like such a bitch! That's why I didn't send it. This would have caused so much pain and damage to him. So, I never sent the text and I never will.

3) I miss their company. I miss all of them. Country Boy died way too early and he made me angry, but that was not reason for him to take his life and I still feel like it was at least partially my fault that he killed himself. Trial-run guy was my best friend for most of freshman year and a good chunk of sophomore year, but we don't talk much anymore and I miss his friendship and the way he would laugh at what I thought was funny, even if they were icky nursing stories or stiff he didn't understand. I miss exboyfriend for his calm demeanor and the way he showed me off to his friends and he was so proud to dance with me. I also miss the small-town life I got with him. I miss exfiance for the way we texted and called each other frequently. I would tell all of them about my day and what I was excited or upset about. I miss that sharing and having someone to talk to. I miss looking forward to hanging out with any of them and feeling special when we had a date planned. If only the best of each of them could be synthesized into one guy, I think we could work. That's unrealistic though.

4) Despite the good, I'm still angry with each of them. I'm angry with them for expecting sex from me. I hate that it was so easy for them to push me aside when they didn't "feel" like being with me or they found something more fun to do on a day we had plans. I'm angry at Country Boy for killing himself. I'm angry at my actual two boyfriends for abusing and assaulting me. I hate that they all made me love them for different reasons and then pushed me away slowly but surely and then they blame me for the break up.



I hate that I miss them. I strongly dislike that this is my history and the life I have to deal with. I hate that regardless of what happens in this life, I know that someone else has it worse. That makes me feel shallow, insignificant, and weak. I despise feeling that I'm not good enough. It breaks my heart daily that I still love all of them, even though I have been terribly hurt. I don't understand why I remain alive and keep waking up each morning. Why are break-ups so incredibly difficult? Why is this the path I walk? I'm terrified that I am the one to blame for all of my problems.

Still, I know the L-rd provides and cares for me.

This is the biggest mystery to me of all.

Just a Little Story

There was once a girl who was a little lonely and hoping for a boy to come along that she could marry, but she was independent and mostly happy alone.

One day, she decided to go to a dance out in the country with her roommate, roommate's family, and some of her own family as well.

She hadn't danced with anyone all night until a boy came up and asked her. He asked for her number and they eventually began dating.

Her family liked him and his family liked her. This was her first boyfriend but he had had several past relationships. She was worried about his vast level of experience, but stayed with him because he seemed sweet. Two months into the relationship, something wasn't right.

 They were hanging out one weekend and he took it too far. She repeatedly told him no and to stop, but he did not.

She broke up with him.

She was so ashamed but G-d told her that what she experienced was not her fault, she did what was legally required and he should have stopped.

She went to the ER for a sane exam a few days later. The nurses were very sweet and she found support and reassurance.

They told her it was not her fault. She learned she is not pregnant and she was fully examined to ensure no physical trauma was present.

Though she must now deal with this brokeness for the rest of her life and she will now have to explain it to her future husband, she has faith the L-rd redeems and brings beauty from the ashes. She's not okay, but she will be okay again one day.

Living with Regret

At one point or another, we all do something we regret. It could be taking a candy bar from the store, saying something that ends up hurting someone else, or going back on a personal promise made to G-d. I think I've done them all, but the last one is really getting to me. I kissed a boy before my wedding day.

Now, this isn't really a big deal. It was just a kiss and it's not like I dropped my pants and gave the guy my everything. Even then, it wouldn't be the end of the world. So why am I losing sleep over this small act? Why is it that I can have a lovely weekend with the boy, kissing him every once in awhile, and think nothing of it while I'm with him. Yet, as soon as I get in the car, my heart sinks to the floor and I am left with this nagging pain in my gut. I am faced with a whisper saying that I gave my first kiss away because I wasn't strong enough to maintain my boundaries. This is the voice of the enemy, but I cannot silence him because I have strayed from the L-rd. I have wandered outside of His flock in search of a love that only He can give and now I've given a piece of myself that I was saving for my husband.

No doubt the L-rd forgives. L-rd willing, my future husband will forgive me as well. Still, I cannot help but wish I could go back in the past and change that moment. Go back and not have given it away. But alas, G-d allows us to learn from our mistakes and move forward into the next set of mistakes. We are blessed to have a teaching G-d who also forgives when we mess up. Now I just wonder how to fix this. I don't know if I can.

My fear is of breaking hearts. I am terrified that life will become awkward and difficult in my small town situation with my life so intertwined with his. This is why I don't date, I can't handle hurting anyone else so I stay even if I hurt in the process.

I have to confess that I almost started cutting the other night. This is not healthy. I didn't do it, but the urge was stronger than I've felt since before my extremely rough season in 8th grade. My nausea and dizziness have resurfaced and my happiness (not joy, just superficial happiness) has disappeared. In it's wake, I am left hurting and scared. This happiness was just a momentary false front from the excitement that a boy was showing interest in me. I should not be depending on this in order to feel wanted, but I fell for it again. (P.S. I talked to Boyfriend and Beauty about the cutting ideations. I'm not going down that road again.)

Cloudy Weather Blues

Has anyone else noticed that with rainy and snowy days people start acting weird?

We finally got snow where I reside and the whole day was bonkers! My mom told me that her clients were strange/off/angry/grouchy/etc all day. It wasn't just a single person or maybe two. No, it was all of them. She's a hairdresser, by the way, and most people feel better when getting their hair done. Am I right?

I had gone to my mental health clinicals earlier in the day and the unit was hot. Oh my goodness! We had at least two major meltdowns on a unit of about 24 patients and several other meltdowns/take-downs on the other units. I am on a maximum security ward at a state mental hospital. These patients are very sick and all part of the legal system for various different charges. I am also on one of the admit units... So people are at their very worst, very sick level before they are stabilized with medication and therapy.

Then, after all of that fun, I decided to go into work on my day off because they were short staffed. ALWAYS A BAD DECISION!!!  Typically when a place (especially a hospital) is short staffed, that means the staff that is there is going to be stressed, the patients are going to be spazzing out (because everyone one was for some reason), and you will be frustrated that you agreed to come in to a very frustrating situation when you should be off. I completely regret it and I only agreed to work 4 hours because I got called in for night shift but I had been up since 0445.

Oh my gosh. Anything that could have gone wrong, did go wrong. First, staffing sent me to the wrong floor. Then I got reassigned and I had to go sit with a patient who was very old and very confused. He had just gotten discharged from the ICU a couple hours before I got there and was sleeping fine... until the nurse decided to move him to a different room while he was still sleeping. Thanks lady. He slept for the first hour and a half until she decided he needed to move right then. She got a Posey bed ordered for him and since he wouldn't get up, she had us use a transfer sheet to slide him into the bed. He woke up and never went back to sleep the whole time I was with him.

At first I asked if she wanted the whole bed zipped up or if she wanted me to leave it partially unzipped because she told me he could go to the bathroom. About 30 minutes after the nurse and the other two people that helped us left, the patient reported he needed to go to the bathroom. I got him up and led him to the bathroom but he turned real quick and went out into the hall. Even with myself and another nurse attempting to redirect him and lead him back into his room, he was too strong and continued into the hall to a sitting area. 30 minutes of nonsense conversation from him and we still could not get him redirected and into his room. The nurse came out and yelled at me for not keeping him in his room and I just took it. She flipped out, called the charge nurse and complained that the patient was not in his bed. After another 30 minutes or so, two nurses, a CNA, a wheelchair, and myself, we finally got him back into his room. He reported needing to use the bathroom again and the charge nurse finally got to deal with the reason he got out of his room in the first place. It took two of them to toilet him. We got him back into bed, got it all zipped up and everything was good.

A little while later, he said he needed to go to the bathroom again. He kept wanting out but I gave him a urinal. He was so confused it took 20 minutes to convince him to let me help him use the urinal. So frustrating. Then when I unzipped the bed to get the urinal out, he grabbed the zipper and fought me to get out. I succeeded just as the charge nurse got to the doorway to see how everything was going. I explained the situation and she just walked away. He asked to go again a little while later and it was a super huge struggle to get him to use it again. This time I kept the zipper up close to the top and only wide enough for the urinal to barely fit through it and just as he handed the urinal to me, he grabbed my arm! It was like a scene out of a scary horror film or some murder show. He hurt my arm so bad that I let go of the closed urinal (it only had a few drops in it) and struggled for about 5 minutes to get my arm free from his grasp and the bed zipped back up.

Several hours later, the nurse finally braved coming into the room and acted like nothing had ever happened. She was all cheery and sounded nice but I have a hard time forgetting when people yell at me. I told her about how he keeps acting all sweet and then becomes aggressive when you get too close and she told me that that information was highly useful and she was going to talk to the doctor or something. I don't understand why she got so frustrated with me for not being able to tackle a patient just to keep him in his room and she continued to belittle me and act all disapprovingly because "she can't handle confused patients" but she expects me to just suck it up and deal with it so that she doesn't have to see him. Why do so many nurses treat me like junk and avoid my patient just because they got a patient who is requiring a sitter? I understand that they are probably upset that they have to deal with a sitter patient, but why does that justify them making me sit with that patient with no break or help for 12 hours? So frustrating.

Moral of the story, don't agree to go into work on a day off when it is cloudy and everyone that you had come into contact with was going off-the-wall that day.

Is this cloudy-weather-induced grumpiness evident to anyone else or did I just make it up?