Just a Little Story

There was once a girl who was a little lonely and hoping for a boy to come along that she could marry, but she was independent and mostly happy alone.

One day, she decided to go to a dance out in the country with her roommate, roommate's family, and some of her own family as well.

She hadn't danced with anyone all night until a boy came up and asked her. He asked for her number and they eventually began dating.

Her family liked him and his family liked her. This was her first boyfriend but he had had several past relationships. She was worried about his vast level of experience, but stayed with him because he seemed sweet. Two months into the relationship, something wasn't right.

 They were hanging out one weekend and he took it too far. She repeatedly told him no and to stop, but he did not.

She broke up with him.

She was so ashamed but G-d told her that what she experienced was not her fault, she did what was legally required and he should have stopped.

She went to the ER for a sane exam a few days later. The nurses were very sweet and she found support and reassurance.

They told her it was not her fault. She learned she is not pregnant and she was fully examined to ensure no physical trauma was present.

Though she must now deal with this brokeness for the rest of her life and she will now have to explain it to her future husband, she has faith the L-rd redeems and brings beauty from the ashes. She's not okay, but she will be okay again one day.

Sweetness Turned Bitter

This weekend was really eye-opening. It was a little bit crazy. My head is still spinning and my heart is a little bit broken. Let's explore why, shall we?

Friday I went on another date with the new fella. I was sick so we mainly just drove around town. He stopped and helped some people who had gotten their car stuck on a back-road but they weren't listening to his advice, even though he is a mechanic, and so we left. He was supposed to sign the papers for his house that day but they ended up pushing that back for the billionth time but he got the keys to his house. Oh, and Roommate's sugar glider died while she was babysitting. I found him dead when I got back from the date. I feel really bad because that is the second small animal that has died on my watch in the past few months. He was doing okay until I went to feed him and he was super lethargic so I think he might have had a really bad electrolyte imbalance or an infection of some sort.

Saturday he had to work in the morning so he swung by and picked me up after work. He helped me get the dead critter out of his cage and get him all comfy for burial. Then I cleaned up the cage and took it all with us out to Roommate's house (which is near his place). We drove out to his current place. I met his grandparents. They took us to lunch and then we went out and saw his new place. It's a really nice house and his grandparents are so adorable! Then he brought me back into town and we went to Brother's house so they could meet, the local feed/clothing store, the home improvement store to look at paint and appliances for his house. That was kinda funny because people kept asking me if I needed help but I'm not even the one buying the house or the appliances. I think they thought we were engaged or married because I had my purity rings on my left hand ring finger... He took me to dinner and we played pool for awhile. Then I had him take me home because I was exhausted and I wanted him to be able to have a decent chance at sleep. But I swung by brother's house so I could talk the day over with him real quick.

When he brought me to Roommate's mom's house to drop off the critter, New Fella was acting really weird. He told me that he had taken Roommate's cousin on a couple dates and didn't want to see her so I let him stay in the car. There was a family gathering in the house and the cousin was there. When I walked in I was getting death glares but I ignored them because I didn't think I had done anything wrong. Little did I know, New Fella started talking to me the same time he started talking to Roommate's cousin. He took her on a couple dates right before he started taking me on dates. He explained all of this in the car ride on the way back to town (45 minute drive) and all of the puzzle pieces started falling into place. He kept saying things to me on the first couple dates that were just off but I brushed them aside because he had been drinking the night we met. Turns out he was just confusing the two of us.

Oh, but it gets better! Right after he explains all of this to me, we go walking around the feed store. Guess who we run into in the store! Go ahead, guess! The cousin's mom. Guess who we parked next to... The cousin's mom and the cousin's dad was in the truck! Guess who just so happened to be driving the exact way we needed to be going to get to Brother's house... You're so smart, the same people! New Fella was flustered and super red all over. I thought it was funny at the time, but the more I think about it and talk with Roommate, the more it bugs me. Why was she so convinced the relationship was going so well that she called him her boyfriend after only a couple of dates? I know what it is like to be the other girl in this situation and I got so mad! You know who did it to me? If you've been reading and maybe keeping track with my roundabout thought process, you'll know that's what Country Boy did before I stopped talking to me and he died shortly after that. I don't need trouble with Roommate's family and his grandmother works with Roommate's mom at the town bank. I went to a dance New Year's Eve and I get dropped into a huge, dramatic ordeal after only talking with this boy for maybe three weeks. Is this the L-rd telling me it's a no-go? The L-rd already told me it wouldn't last and I prayed for signs for the New Fella (NF) because that's what NF goes off of instead of prayer and hearing from the L-rd.

Recap of why Saturday was rough: Sugar Glider died and I had to take it to Roommate's house to be buried. This uncovered huge drama with the cousin.

Today (Sunday) I slept in and then he came back into town to go to an antique store with his cousin and the cousin's girlfriend. It was pretty fun! But we were clicking so well and now something feels wrong. It all just feels wrong which sucks because it was going really well. It was easy to talk about liking each other. It was easy to hold hands and just chill. It was easy to share some of my secrets with him. We agree and give the same answers to so many questions that we ask each other to get to know each other. It was easy but it just feels heavy now.

I need to talk with him and explain my situation but I have a hard time bringing up these tough conversations. Things were getting good, we were meeting each others friends and families. We were discussing hypothetical children and fake weddings. I am currently helping him situate his house and get it decorated.

If this is the end I don't want to wait forever for another guy to come along. I have been praying for years, I have gone through some pretty heavy stuff to get to this point and I was so excited that I am happy. I am the traditional kind of happy because I finally met a guy that has a ton of things in common with me and we mesh so much better than Country Boy and I did. I finally felt cherished by a human guy and I just started to understand why people act funny when they find a significant other.

Even though I don't want to wait forever for another guy, I also don't know that this is completely right. It's hard feeling like I have something that I've wanted for so long dangled in front of my face only to have it snatched right back after only a couple of weeks. It's hard to know that I will have to blindly trust the L-rd to either bring me someone else or allow me to be single for another frickin' long season of life, it feels like this is my millionth long and tough season of trusting. I'm heavy with disappointment and yet I am still talking with New Fella as if everything were okay because I haven't gotten enough courage built up to bring up the hard stuff.

An it's on again!

Date has been rescheduled for Saturday. I am a bit nervous that he is regretting this whole thing because I have been a severe pain in his butt with the scheduling of this shindig. Originally, we were supposed to have a whole group accompany us and he couldn't get them to come this time so it's going to be the two of us and Roommate. They have known each other for years but it's scary going out with not as many people to keep the conversation going. Still, I'm really excited and I hope he is too.

I told my dad about the date today... I keep trying to tell him big stuff first so that he doesn't feel left out because I tell both of my parents lots of stuff but my mom and I talk a lot on the phone (maybe every other day or several times a day) while I talk to my dad once a week or every other week. However, lengths of calls make it end up balancing out, kind of.

First thing out of his mouth once I told him was, "You know, you don't owe him anything. Sex is off the table." Haha, does he know who he's talking to? Well, I haven't shared my no kissing policy with him so he kinda doesn't.

This policy is getting tough to stick by. I have a friend who I recently discovered had the same policy. HAD. Then, one of her boyfriends kissed her on her date and she says it's no big deal. Well, crap. (Please forgive the language.) I asked if she wished she would have waited and she said it's not really that big of a deal. We have similar faith and agree on most everything. I don't know that I'll let him kiss me on the first date but man alive is it temping. So now what? I guess we'll see.

Well, that's not what I expected.

Y'all remember the date I was going to go on? It ended up getting cancelled because of weather. The guy lives about an hour outside of town and his town was getting hammered with snow and the roads were really icy so we decided to postpone. My heart sunk a little when he texted me that but we ended up talking anyways, well, texting. I am really looking forward to going out with him and I hope he really is too. Besides the panic attacks and bad nervousness that is typically accompanying me, I am not normally one to get worked up or excited about boys. This guy, though. Let's just go over my schedule from the time he asked for my number until now.

We danced. He asked for my number. We danced again. We went to a party and DOMINATED beer pong (remember, I was cheating a little bit by not drinking...). I wait two painful days for him to text me and I worried the whole time that he didn't really think I would be worth the time or that he had forgotten me entirely. He finally texts. He asks me out for the next night. I clean house all day, scrubbing almost every inch of our apartment to keep my nerves at bay and to hopefully get it all ready for him to see it. Date got cancelled and my heart sunk. We texted back and forth for hours anyways and found a lot of common interests. He texted me again this morning and we talked for a solid three or four hours before I decided I needed to take a nap before work tonight. Now I'm waiting to get called into work and updating you on my life which was a lot more interesting from my vantage point before blogging it... I need to learn how to tell stories better.

This guy has me staying up for hours at night because I can't stop thinking about him and I keep waking up early. He's in my dreams and I keep replaying the times we danced and hung out even though it was super short-lived. Am I blowing this all out of proportion? Is he going to regret going out with me if/when he discovers he's not going to get a kiss from me unless we get hitched? Roommate's mom was talking him up the whole time I was at her house and I've heard so much about him. I distinctly remember he telling me that she approves of us dating (which is big because she's like family now) and that he would "treat me like a queen." He's pretty much the most wanted eligible bachelor in the three-town area he hangs out in. He's not scared of marriage and he was engaged for a while but they broke up this summer though I haven't heard why. He's giving me butterflies and I'm dreaming about him but can't decide if it's the idea of a sweet country boy liking me or if there is really something here. He's got a great job, he's fixin' to buy a house (in the town I have been dreaming of living in since I was little), and he seems really smart. He likes going to museums which I'm hoping means he likes learning. He likes going to antique stores and is planning on decorating his house with antiques which I think will require tremendous amounts of patience. He can fix a lot, from what I've gathered about his job as a mechanic/everything man. He grew up in the country, on a farm, and knows how to handle animals and crops. Plus, on top of everything else, I think he's pretty stinkin' cute.

This whole thing also brings up a lot of insecurities. Will he decide I'm not worth his time or money? Why did the engagement get broken? Will this make going to the town dances awkward if it doesn't work out? Will he pressure me to break my boundaries? Does he go to church? I know I can ask him that, but I just haven't yet because I'm scared of the answer.

Will I be enough?

I know you have read all this in a lot of my posts and I keep hoping and working to make these fears subside, even if just by a little bit. Will they ever even go away?

Confessions of a College Prude, Part 2

Lately, in my life, there has been an abundance of sex talk. It's getting on my nerves, to be honest because nobody is discussing the desire to refrain from it but merely rumors and desires to take part in it.

There have been stories of people losing their virginity in middle school. Many conversations about "numbers" (the amount of people individuals have slept with. Some people have begun describing in vivid detail certain acts or positions. Still others discuss their sadness that they have not yet given themselves entirely over to another person in that way. Most of these conversations were cut short on my end because I proceeded to plug my ears and began humming in order to drown out the information being presented.

I don't want to know the details of acts, or numbers, or anything else that I do not need to know about sex! In my book, I need to know that: 1) it's how you get babies, STD's, funky rashes, and other various conditions that one may find themselves in that require medical treatment, 2) there are psychological and emotional scars that can develop, 3) THAT I DO NOT NEED TO BE PARTAKING IN THESE ACTIONS UNTIL I AM MARRIED!!! That is it! All other information simply chips away at my dwindling innocence and causes me to have nightmares and panic attacks (on a regular basis).

My dating/marriage rules are strict, I understand that. However, those rules only apply to myself, I do not expect anyone else to follow them. If they don't follow them, I simply ask that all conversations about sex be held until I am out of hearing range. People cease cussing due to simple requests, is it too much to ask that inappropriate talk be held too?

It was brought to my attention that one of my friends is not pleased with the amount of physical contact they have had with the opposite gender. This conversation was light and was mostly about kissing and holding hands which are both okay for me to discuss with people because those are "normal" dating practices that are mostly started when dating anybody (with me and maybe a handful of others in the exception). When talking about these things, though, most people don't realize that I abstain from these little gestures as well. This may have a large part to do with my tongue ring, which I have been informed is used for unsavory acts of the sexual nature (things that I do not partake in). So people begin talking about these things and they haven't known me long enough to know that I am saving hand holding for my engagement, or kissing and beyond for when I am married.

Bringing this up with other people has proven slightly foolish in my experience because my closest friends and mentors all advise me to not wait for these things. I was encouraged and told that "it would be highly unlikely for me to be in a relationship with someone I really liked without kissing them." Yes, it will be hard, but that doesn't mean that it is bad. I am not forcing these rules on anyone else and I understand that if G-d sends along someone who I really like and who really likes me, there will be a pull for physical contact like kissing and hand-holding. However, by saving these little gestures, it's not going to cause any harm to me or my beloved. We won't get an STD or become pregnant before marriage, we won't become ill or suffer any psychological issues by waiting either. Why, then, is everyone counseling me to just go ahead a kiss whatever guy comes along? Why are they encouraging me to date, just to get the first one out of the way? I "tried" that, it was one of the biggest regrets of my life because I don't want to date just anybody, I wanted to wait until it seemed like the L-rd was guiding us both into the relationship instead of me getting talked into it by someone who had put me up on an unrealistic, unhealthy pedestal.

Seriously, the most waiting could do is make me become a cat lady. Which would make my death folder come in mighty handy because I am allergic to cats and they would likely suffocate me in my sleep.

You know what makes me the most sad? I feel embarrassed discussing these things with people because I have gotten such negative reactions from them so far. Some of my friends have decided they are going to take me to a bar, try to get me drunk, and then attempt to talk guys into making out with me. There are so many holes in that plan, but it bugs me that my closest friends can't just leave me be. It's not they are intervening for self-destructive behavior, they are attempting to make me do things that I don't want to do but that aren't causing harm to anyone. My mentors have continuously told me that it is okay to kiss boys and I shouldn't go any farther than I am comfortable with, but that lines should be past the hand-holding/kissing/cuddling things to really only prevent "real sex" from occurring until marriage. It's almost like skinny shaming where people tell thin people to go eat a hamburger or gain some weight even though the person is not anorexic or bolimic or anything else unhealthy.

I want another chance with this kid. I want to explain that while many people lose their virginity or hold a lot of emphasis on getting to a certain point in their physical relationship, that is not the general consensus among everyone. Yes, it may seem like everyone is sleeping around and has done more than you, but that's just because the people that hold-off are either not talking about not doing anything or they are getting drowned out by the people with the crazy hook-up stories. I just want to explain that this tongue ring was an attempt to not go back down my self-harm path that I have a history of. I want to explain why I am choosing to not kiss or hold hands right now. I want to explain that I am in the minority, but I CHOSE to be in the minority and it's not as small of a group as it may seem. Oh I pray I get the chance and I pray that this person is receptive!

Shiftin' Gears

I'm going to start with a confession. Several really, but the main one is that I like to shift really fast in my manual car when I am stressed. For some reason it helps me blow off some steam. I don't go fast enough that I get a "fast driving award" (my uncle's name for a speeding ticket), I just shift faster than all of the automatic cars next to me and I feel like a boss!

So, coming home from my parent's house yesterday, I was frustrated because I had been on the highway for about an hour in traffic, then I got stuck behind some joker who decided to go 10 mph under the speed limit and then just had to get off on MY exit. Yes, I know how selfish and irrational that is, but don't tell me you don't have them thoughts too! Anywho, we were then both turning left. Fortunately, there were two separate turning lanes. I get past them just to meet them again at another red light. L-rd, what are you doing to me? I'm just trying to get home so that I can change to get to church on time!!! As my blood started boiling at this silly red light, I crank up the tunes and get ready for green. When that green light came I was first through the intersection until some little blue car that looked like it was actually supposed to be able to go that fast passed me up. We were so far in front of anyone else that it didn't matter anymore and so I got up to speed and just kept driving as normal. Awhile later I needed into the lane they were in. I noticed that they slowed from their racing pace and the passenger was waving out of the moon roof. I figured they were waving at the car next to them, so I didn't think anything of it when they stuck their arm out the window and brought it back in about 4 times. When I got to my turn off, they slowed their car, got next to mine and rolled down the passenger window! Oh my gosh! I don't know what they were doing, but they were some cute guys and I'm hopin' they were surprised that it was a girl in a redneck lookin' SUV shiftin' as smooth and as quick as I was. I don't know about flirting in any capacity, but they way that guy was lookin' at me, I'm thinkin' he may have been flirt-waving at me... They may have also been waving at me because they beat me. I don't know.

Anyway, I am hoping it was the first reason because it made me feel pretty darn cool that my little car almost beat their actual racing car and then they realized that I'm a girl. I didn't wave back because I was so shocked, but I gave the guy riding shotgun a bit of a smile.

I can't believe I almost forgot to tell y'all that story!

Another confession is that it made me feel pretty good after my break up. This whole relationship has made me feel so unstable. I knew I have chronic depression, severe anxiety, and possibly some other psychological problems and I knew that that was something I would need to work on before I ever started anything with anyone, regardless of how well they knew me beforehand. Along with everything else that I ignored about a month and a half ago, I ignored that. So, when I was strapped into this roller-coaster with another human, I realized how nuts I actually am instead of being able to down-play it the way I normally do. Now that we've broken up, and even during our time "together," I was wondering if I would ever be able to have an actual relationship that leads to a marriage and the rest of my life spent with someone. I still don't know if that is possible, but I am still highly unnerved because I learned so much about myself and it's not good stuff. I never realized how selfish, unstable, weird, nerdy, selfish, quirky, difficult, selfish, lonely, independent, selfish, judgmental, hypocritical, selfish, and ridiculous I am. Yes, I threw selfish in there several times, but even that is a conservative estimate of how selfish I actually am. Those are also just the easy examples that come to mind right now, there is a laundry list of thousands of terrible personality traits I discovered about myself. It's been a rough month and a half. Good news, though, I was wondering if G-d had been telling me to get rid of my kissing policy, turns out He hasn't. So, I am so glad that I didn't do that in this relationship. He was just being quite to see what I would do... I don't like it when He does that...

Liar Liar

This Valentine's Day, my best friend presented me with a teddy bear and a rose. He had asked me out in the past (about a year prior) and I told him we would have to wait to reassess upon our graduation from college. I made the foolish decision to throw that rule out the window and we decided to "try this thing out."

Big mistake.

I saw that we wouldn't work as anything more than friends since before he asked me out last year. I ignored that. Our faith is different. I ignored that. Everything that works as opposites for friends but causes huge problems in a deeper relationship, I ignored.

So, about a month and a half after this thing started, I ended it.

The worst feeling for me is the feeling of disappointing someone I love. I love him but not in a romantic way, it's in a way that I can't even explain. I have never seen someone so hurt because of my actions. I knew that breaking up with someone would be hard, but I didn't realize in what capacity. It's rough guys. But at the same time, it is necessary in some instances if the relationship is against G-d's will.

If you are thinking of getting into a relationship, listen to G-d and your gut feelings. If it seems like a bad decision but your friends, family, and mentors talk you into it, ignore them. If someone has to talk you into it then it's likely not right to begin with.

For years everyone around me (and very few of them know each other) has been trying to talk me into getting into a relationship. For some reason, they feel that I would benefit from having a boyfriend. They have told me it would be fun, good experience, complimenting to my personality, etc. They lied.

For me: having a boyfriend was not fun, it was an increased amount of stress, anxiety attacks, and worsened depression; the good experience part was not entirely false, but it was experience of how selfish I am and how to hurt my closest friend; our personalities complimented each other when we were friends, but in a relationship of this magnitude we were toxic to each other.

They lied. I was foolish. Life sucked because I was outside of G-d's instruction. Also, I feel like a freakin' psycho path because I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would after the break up. 1) He was so stinkin' sweet and said he just needed time, but that we would be friends again. 2) I felt bad that I disappointed him, but I also felt free for the first time in a long time. Shouldn't break ups hurt both people equally? Shouldn't I be incapacitated with grief? Shouldn't I have shed some tears for the friend that I broke?

Good news: I learned to not listen to anyone who tells me to go against what I know G-d has put on my heart, not even my mom or G-dly mentors. We never kissed, even though I was considering it. I learned how selfish I am and I now understand why G-d didn't give me a boyfriend every time I asked Him for one (especially the ones I asked Him for.) I am learning to talk about the hard stuff in life that I'm used to brushing under the rug and ignoring until it goes away. I can hear G-d again when I wasn't able to for several months before and during this whole thing happened. I also learned that no matter how strong the friendship, that won't necessarily make a good relationship. However, if you are friends before the relationship it is more likely that you can be friends afterwards. The friendship will probably change, and not likely in the best way, but you will not necessarily have an enemy. They are also more likely to be understanding as to why you broke up.

For now, I am self medicating with children's movies, work, some Chick-fil-a, and a touch of cookie dough. That day keeps playing over and over in my head and I want to talk to my best friend but he's the one I broke. So, isolation is setting in but at the same time I feel relieved that it's over. I'm taking my hurt to G-d and asking G-d to heal my friend who is hurting much worse than I am. I successfully ruined both of our spring breaks and I changed our friendship forever (or at least the foreseeable future.)

My advice is that you don't jump into anything too rashly. Listen to what G-d is telling you and actually do it. Know that not every friendship is conducive to a romantic (YUCK! I regretted this word choice as I was typing it, but it is what it is.)

Found a New Blog

So, I think y'all should check this blog out. Yes, it is mostly on dating, but has a lot of great advice and makes some interesting points. So far I like this post the best and definitely recommend reading it. This is about the difference between "Girls" and "Women". Now, there is also one on the differences between "Boys" and "Men" so check that one out too.

Let me know what you think!

I'll hopefully be back on in the near future to talk about the funeral I went to tonight but for now I must go finish my epidemiology paper on C. diff. Yum.

Serious Struggles = Breakdown on Phone with Mother

Guys I was having a rough 24 hours yesterday. Actually, it all happened in about 18 hours, but whatever.

About a week and a half ago (on a Friday) I get a call to say that I don't have to work Sunday. They call me back the following Friday to say, "Hey, you have to come in now." Nobody asked if I had plans or studying or anything else going on since they gave me the day off. So, naturally, I steamed about it for a few days and went in anyway. Work was fine but I was the only float for all 4 courts so I was bounced around pretty heavily all night. Then, I got to go home. By the time I walked into my apartment door it was 10 p.m. and I had loads of homework to do.

Now, let me remind you that the facility recently changed their key policy from allowing every employee to have their own set of keys, to now requiring you to check keys out because they took them away from us. Why? A power trip by a whole set of new managers. As part of this policy, if you forget to check your keys back in and put them in the box, you have to drive all the way back to work to return to them before you get written up.

Guess what I found in my pocket as I was taking off my shoes at home? You guessed it you smart person! I found my keys. If I hadn't been so exhausted, I think I probably would have punch a hole in the wall because I was livid. Anger doesn't even begin to describe it. I was mad at myself for being so stupid for not returning my keys and I was even angrier at the facility and manager who thought this stupid policy would be a good idea.

So, a 30 minuted drive there and back later, I had cooled off slightly. G-d, in His infinite love and kindness, allowed me to hit all green lights even when other cars were waiting at intersections and nobody was traveling the way I was. He allowed me to be irrationally angry at a situation that doesn't really matter in the scheme of things and even helped me to cool down. He also kept me from the millions of cops that I saw because I was speeding a bit due to the rage boiling over inside of me. I don't think I've ever been so surprised by how G-d's worked in my life than I was that night.

After about 3 hours of homework, I woke up asleep at my computer. 5 hours later, I'm being woken up by about 12 alarms distributed throughout my room to ensure that I do, in fact, wake up and don't sleep through them. Went to class, no big deal.

Then, at my IT job, everything that could go wrong did. I rode on the elevator to the wrong floor while trying to take a computer to a teacher. That computer didn't work so I called my partner but accidentally ended up calling my boss. I ran upstairs, grabbed another one, took the stupid elevator again and went to the wrong floor, AGAIN! At some point I had to reimage a computer. Each time, it takes 30 minutes, and I had to do it twice because I thought I did it wrong. After talking to my partner, he confirmed it. (It turns out that computer was just broken too, so that made me feel a little bit better, but it was a whole day after that incident.)

So, after all of that nonesense, I went home and called my mom instead of going to the gym. We talked about my dating policies because I have recently been reconsidering my kissing thing but I don't know if that's just because I'm listening to country music or if it's because G-d is testing me or maybe He didn't even encourage me to make that policy. I don't know. So, we talked about her experiences and I asked questions I never thought I would ask ever, let alone to my mom... At some point I broke down and she encouraged me to have a boyfriend "just because they're fun and it would help you to understand more social cues." Seriously, that's what she said. We all know I'm not developed past a 5th grade social status, but I don't know that jumping into a random relationship would help that any.

The reason that came up though, is because I had breakfast with my best friend. This best friend is the same one that asked me out last year. I hadn't seen him in several months and when I did it was weird because he and my other friend were unpleased with each other so then I felt like I was running interference. But my crush that had been so difficult to get over suddenly hit me like a train at dinner. It was so weird. Plus, the waitress thought we were dating so she only gave us one ticket and he paid for me and that was really weird for me. So I brought all that to my mom and that made me start crying because I don't know what's happening. When I don't know what's happening in my own head/heart, I freak out and seriously question all of my life decisions.

Lately, G-d keeps showing me blog posts and random articles through Facebook, or some really unexpected places, about dating through a G-dly person's perspective. One such article can be found here. I strongly suggest that you read it because I thought I was some independent, strong-willed girl that didn't listen to Hollywood's fairy tales and the silliness that Disney movies try to feed us about "love". Turns out that I'm influenced heavily and it is not allowing me to hear G-d's voice about what He wants for me as a person that can potentially date. For now, I'm throwing out all of my past rules and I'm starting from scratch with what I pray is G-d's voice, ONLY. I guess we'll see where that leads because I'm totally in the dark. Also, it's making me freak out a bit more, but it's not as unsettling because I know G-d is in control and I'm not holding on for dear life. It's a faith exercise.

Speaking of exercise, I went to the gym a lot last week and got down to 5 pound lost total so far. This week, however, is not fairing so well with the exercising establishment because I'm plumb exhausted and a bit lazy this week. Hopefully I will find some motivation to go to the gym again. I'm getting better at distance running for longer times and also faster running. It makes me feel to much better to go do something that makes me sweat and gets my anxiousness out in a more productive way that causing me heart palpitations and mild panic attacks.

I think that's all I have for now. I should probably go study...

Daily Thanksgiving: G-d totally understands me even in my irrational anger. He is changing me for the better and stretching me in ways I didn't think were possible. I've lost 5 pounds and feel a bit better about myself. I'm looking forward to being able to run a whole mile in under 8 minute.

#1: Boy Drama

Do y'all remember the boy who I met over the summer due to me being evacuated for the fire?

I slept in his bed before I ever even met him. He wasn't there, but sleeping in anyone's bed, or even seeing their bedroom, is something I consider very intimate (not that kind of intimate, but it's their personal space where they express themselves however they want. Therefore, it gives a window into some of their hidden areas of their life. That makes it very personal and intimate.

Anyway, after he asked me out (over text, not good to do BTW), we decided that we could be "just friends" because I was on my no dating kick. Still am, actually, and this whole mess is partly the reason. After he said we could just get to know each other as pals, he got a girlfriend and announced it on Facebook the VERY NEXT DAY! Guys, 1) don't be working on two girls at the same time just in case one shuts you down. The other(s) will find out because we are not stupid. 2) If you are going to be foolish and play with a few girl's hearts by "pursuing" them but don't actually care who you start going out with, don't friend both/all of them and then announce a relationship with another girl. That shows that you were playing us and it shuts down any chance of you with us in the future.

*Disclaimer: I do not, in any way, condone deceitful or secretive behavior. I just want people to be mindful of how their actions and words can affect others. Mostly, I want people to think before they talk and before they do anything, ever.

I blocked him on Facebook and deleted his number from my phone after that little mess. No contact between the two of us for 4 months. I thought it was over and I had finally pushed it from my mind and the sting did not hurt so bad any longer.

Wednesday night I get a text from an unknown number, "Hey."

I replied, thinking it was him, but not being entirely certain. But, I'm sure you can guess who it was. Yes, you're so smart! It was the summer boy. We talked for a bit, but he still didn't seem interested in me. I don't understand if that's just how he is, or if he got bored and had no one else to talk to so then I'm a last resort. It doesn't make any sense.

Anyway, I told him I was going to get a haircut yesterday and he asked for a picture of me... What?!

First, I hate taking pictures anyway and I really don't like seeing myself in pictures afterwards. Secondly, I don't understand why he wanted a picture because we are not dating, we are only really acquaintances so he has no need for a photo of me. Lastly, guys are visual creatures. I don't need to be stuck in the head of some guy for who-knows-what (yes, I assume the worst).

When I refused he said, "Ok... that's fine." Like he was disappointed or something. You know what's bad? I actually considered sending him a picture despite my discomfort and besides my better judgement. I had a 45 minute waffling period where I discussed it with G-d. I almost caved on my boundaries AGAIN!

Praise the L-rd, I finally decided to stick to my guns and not be pressured by some silly boy to do something that I felt uncomfortable about. Every inch you give them, they will take a mile or more. So, don't give them even a centimeter. Stand your ground and if they pressure you to do anything outside of your comfort level, especially when it goes against your beliefs, then they weren't worth the time or heartache anyway. That's guaranteed.

#3: Flirting

I went to Cabela's last night with my mom. In the whole 30 minutes that we walked around that store, we must have had 7 guys (employees) come up and ask us if we needed help. Great customer service! I hate when you have to go seek out help and the employees don't want to talk to you and they seem rude. So, I was becoming more and more pleased with the store because they have cool stuff, great customer service, Duck Dynasty stuff is everywhere (and in pink versions too!!!), and the guys selling guns took me seriously when I talked about getting a gun. That never happens to me. Also, I had just gotten my hair done and my makeup was done, so I was looking fairly decent. That has not happened in several weeks (unless I'm going out). So, it was a great night.

As we were walking back to the car my mom says, "That guy was flirting with you."

Me: "No he wasn't, he was selling me on a gun."

Mom: "That's probably why we keep getting asked if we need help so often tonight. You are so cute!"

Me: "..."


Folks, hopefully you know me by now, but I am kind of good at school but my people skills are lacking. I don't even know what flirting is!

So, I asked my mom what flirting is, when we got back in the car. She didn't answer me. That gave me no choice. I needed an answer and decided to consult my favorite source: Google.

After several hours of research, I still have no idea what flirting is. There is no formula, there is no absolute sign, there is no light that says that someone is flirting or that they are just being helpful. Therefore my understanding of dating fundamentals is still -8239885628473204873. Yes, I made it a quantitative amount on a scale from 1-10. I am in the negatives and a pretty deep negative, if you ask me but I was being conservative.

I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT FLIRTING IS!!!

This sucks. People have been leaning over to me saying, "Oh, he's flirting with you!" or something to that effect. I blush because 1) it sounds dirty to me and 2) I am embarrassed that I don't know what it is and 3) I'm embarrassed that it is happening to me and they called me out on it.

What is flirting? How do guys do it? More importantly, how do I avoid doing it? Do you have any ways of knowing that it's happening? Is it more of a guesstimating thing to be able to "read" into what is flirtatious and what is just genuine kindness? Is it inconvenient/embarrassing/unnecessary for anyone else?

Am I the only one that has no idea of what's going on?

Try Not To Cry

For my final post of the night (hopefully), I wanted to share one last video. This beautiful video is about one couple's marriage and about their love for each other. It made me sob because marriage today does not seem to happen like this anymore, or at least we don't hear about it. This is how I imagine G-d's love for us is on some level (though His love is so vast no one can ever understand it). This is what I desire for my marriage to be like and I pray that if G-d has prepared a husband for me, that we are able to love like these two loved each other.

Have tissues handy. Do not watch after fresh application of make-up. Make sure that you didn't have any other human interactions planned for the day. Hold on tight because this video is so sweet and simple, but very deep at the same time.

Are you ready?

Watch it here.

This video has blessed me and it has been an answer to my prayers asking G-d what the meaning of marriage is.

Want to view my Pinterest life?

I am on Pinterest, as most of you know, and now you can see my fantasy life! I have posts about nursing school, funny memes, different ideas for my wedding, date ideas, and a few other things that have sparked my interest. Take a look if you're into browsing other people's lives, I give you permission to Pinterest stalk me. :)

I Promised But...

Y'all, I promised I would try to not talk about boys so much because I pretty much rant and rave about the same things time and time again but goodness! These boys are driving me insane. My country boy doesn't text me for 2-3 weeks and I am finally over him and I'm not thinking about him so much. Then, I'm sittin' in micro just minding my business, and guess who I get a text from. Ya, that's right, it's country boy. The first thing that went through my head was anger. A few angry words, nothing too inappropriate, but nothing worth repeating. Then a glimmer of desire for a boyfriend swept through my consciousness. I quickly crashed to earth from my ridiculous dreams when I realized I was wasting my time.

What are these jokers thinking? You don't talk to me for weeks and then text me up out of the blue?

This brings me to a confession I really need to get off my chest. I am suddenly craving a boyfriend. This is really annoying. I can't even express how frustrating this is because I still cannot figure out how to control my thoughts...

Daily Thanksgiving: I made it through the day without freaking out at anyone and I am over country boy! It has been tested and I am very close to being certain that I am over him and the ideals I made up about him. Also, I didn't fall asleep during micro... I was very close to crashing but G-d allowed me to survive!

That was pretty much the extent of my day. How are you doing?

Dating Promises

My friend recently went to a Christian youth conference where they made a list of promises about what they will/won't do while dating. I think this is an excellent idea! I would like to share mine with you. Feel free to add to it or cut things out. You can tell me if I am being completely irrational or if I am not being strict enough. I would like input, if you have any, because I haven't dated anyone, ever, so these are based on ideal circumstances and not totally on experience.

1. I promise to communicate. I want him to know my boundaries and I want to know his. I will work on telling him, and others, what I need, what I want, what I like/don't like, etc. 
2. I promise to not hang out alone. I have already broken this promise several times but no more!
3. I promise to not kiss anyone until my wedding day, and I will only ever kiss my husband.
4. I promise to hear him out when he needs/wants something, if he gets jealous, if he wants me to start/stop something. I may not comply with his requests, but we will talk it over and I will explain why I will/won't/can't do something. 
5. I promise to conduct myself in such a manner that I would not be ashamed of the conversation or activities taking place should my parents, family, friends, children (adopted and future) find out or walk in on us.
6. I promise to hold him accountable to promises, convictions, and problems I witness or hear about. I will not consider him guilty if a rumor should begin, but I will ask him about it and take his word.
7. I promise to do my best to maintain a holy relationship through dating, engagement, and marriage with him.
8. I promise to stay honest, even if the truth will hurt him. I will try my best to not intentionally hurt him or anyone who happens to be pursuing me. However, I do not want to string anyone along simply because I do not want to hurt them. Stringing them along will hurt them (and myself) more than it would if I am just honest in the beginning.
9.  I promise to love G-d more than I love my boyfriend/husband or anyone else. 
10. I promise to do my best to find a man that loves G-d more than he loves me or anyone else.

This is just a short list, but I think it gets down to the core of what I need from a relationship. G-d knows who He has chosen for me, if I will indeed date/marry, but these are rules that I feel are G-d inspired to protect me and potential suitors. (I know I use a lot of weird vocabulary like suitors, pursuing me, etc. I'm an old soul with very traditional views and an old-fashioned vocabulary.)

I encourage you to make your own list and keep adding to it as you think about dating/marriage. If I had been keeping all of these promises to myself and G-d my heart would not be so heavy right now and I would know that I had done everything possible to protect my heart for my husband. Life also would have been much easier for me... Unfortunately, I gave in and now I have a lot of regrets. From now on, however, I will be keeping these promises to the best of my ability in order to maintain my integrity, my innocence, and my pure heart.