I turn 24 in approximately 10 days.
You guys know, I don't like birthdays. I'm not a huge fan of the extra attention, looking back on yet another year that has come and gone, nor remembering how much I had planned to do before getting to this point.
When I was younger, I had hoped to at least be married by now. But, I'm solidly single. I've been single for several years now, and no prospects of that changing any time in the near future.
I had hoped to be in Small Town; learning more, training new staff, and working up the career ladder there.
I had hoped to be accepted into graduate school and working towards furthering my education.
Naively, I had also hoped to have started having kids by now. I want to be a young mom, but I watch those years go and go and go.
I know, I'll only be 24. Someday I will look back and remember how foolish I was for wanting to pile on all of the adult responsibilities at the same time, but I'm feeling impatient. I'm thinking of the ways that a marriage would benefit me for housing, companionship, and general support in the simplicities of life.
Then again, I begin thinking of how difficult relationships are... You have to share in a marriage. Share a kitchen, a bathroom, a house, a bed, and your life with another person. This other person was raised differently than you. Sure, you may love them, but everything that they have come from is different than what you came from. Different family dynamics, different expectations, different bedtime routines, different views on life, different food/cooking preferences, and different ideas of how marriage is supposed to work.
As if that weren't enough, you have to share your day with them. Share thoughts, feelings, and emotions and try to continue to connect with them... every day.
And, if that all doesn't have your feathers ruffled, you're supposed to share your body with them as well?
I know, I know. Here's yet ANOTHER stinking post about how stupid trauma has effected my life and how I am sad about what it's done. I should be able to just get over it eventually, right? Didn't that time that I should have been over it come and go? Shouldn't I be moving on? Finding joy? Starting life over and hoping for the best?
Well, kind of. I guess I'm still mourning. I'm mourning the loss of what was stolen from me. I'm mourning for the dreams that I killed and buried all those years ago. I'm mourning the years of life stolen from me, as I have been climbing my way out of a deep, deep pit I was forced into. I'm mourning the life that cannot be, the goals that cannot be fulfilled, and the plans that I had.
G-d has different plans, better plans than I could ever imagine. He's got plans that will hopefully make a beautiful tapestry out of the tangled ends that I have come to. He's got plans that are so far beyond my comprehension, that I will never understand them.
However, I'm allowing myself to mourn this anniversary of life.
3 years ago, I came to this season with excitement, but low expectations, for my 21st birthday. I decided to celebrate my birthday that year and tell some people. I decided to allow people to make a big deal about me. 3 weeks later, my life came to a screeching halt. I had innocence forcefully torn from me. I was held down and my pleading was ignored. Unthinkable things were done to me and it put my life on pause. For 3 years, I have been stuck in survival mode. I am beginning to break free and start to live again. However, I have lost 3 years of my life, completely. Sure, I graduated, worked, and G-d brought me through. But I didn't live.
In 7 days marks the 4th anniversary of Country Boy's death by suicide. It, in itself, was highly traumatizing for me. Upon that loss, the trauma has continued to pile on. That loss started the Complex in the Complex PTSD. He was 19. Didn't even make it until he was 20. He didn't wait until he was 21. He carried a lot of grief and pain with him. It crushed him. I still remember the pain in his eyes. The hope he had that someone else understood his grief when we started talking about death on that little date at the Starbucks in Target. I made up some crap story, but deep inside, I wanted to tell him of my struggles with suicidal thoughts too. It never occurred to me that other people struggled with it too! I didn't want to bring him down on our mini date! I didn't want to burden him with more grief and worry than he already had.
You see, I shouldn't be older than 19, in my head. I "functioned" from 19 to 21, but L-rd knows I wasn't living. My life slowed down with the death of Country Boy. At the moment of my first assault with exboyfriend, my life came to a standstill. Time with exfiance was spent fighting to breath another day, and continued to stand still.
So now, I get to my 24th birthday feeling like a failure. Where has my life gone?
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Friday, March 23, 2018
Monday, May 2, 2016
Decisions for My Future
Today I got a call from Big Time Hospital that I have been wanting for months. Unfortunately, I already took a job at Small Town Hospital due to family connections... the HR lady sounded really disappointed. I'm really disappointed.
The pros and cons keep going on and on in my head. The little hospital will provide me with an in already, I have friends and will make many others, I have family in the nearby vicinity, and housing costs vs. pay ratio is in my favor. However, the cons to little town hospital are that the new grad program is not as in depth, our sickest babies get shipped to big town hospital, and family is in the nearby vicinity.
Yes, I know family is in the pros and cons list. The side of the family in this particular state is full of undiagnosed bipolar (type 2) people, who are being treated for depression. This means that they go manic when they are on a new med and then they stop taking said med once they feel like they are on top of the world. Good heavens, family functions are quite the event to be at and witness various people in their varying degrees of bipolar fluctuations!
Anywho, the pros for Big Time Hospital include: better pay, intensive new grad program, higher acuity NICU, bigger town, more attractions in the city, prettier part of the state, closer to the beach, being a part of a major health care system, being farther away from family than a 20 minutes commute (or seeing them at small town hospital for work every day...). Cons include: higher cost of living, bigger town = too many people, these hospitals are in the major city (no country living for me), I have no aquaintances, I don't even have the job yet the call was just to schedule an interview, and I have no family around that would be closer than a 4-6 hour drive.
Now, I talked to the lady and she said I could potentially always just apply there after I have a few years under my belt. I think that will help me secure the basics before learning the more in depth ICU care like long-term vents, and various higher tech stuff. I miss out on the new grad education, but I learn better hands-on anyway. Plus, with my immediate family having fallen apart this weekend (I'll update you in a later post), I think it would be good to have some kind of support to go and talk to. Best part about it, my Mema is part of the care team for the babies so I don't even have to worry about breaking HIPAA rules as long as it is out of the vicinity of others hearing. I can tell her everything and she gets it because she'll be right there next to me. I also have my great-aunt who is the DON (director of nursing) for the floor and I'm going to talk to her about getting some time in Labor and Delivery and cross-training there.
You know, the more I talk this out with you, the better I'm coming to realize that Small Town Hospital is closer to where I need to be. People have a small-town attitude there, and not the hoity-toity nonsense that comes with Big Town. I can go to Big Town to visit, but don't have to stay there. Then, if I decide to be a travel nurse, I could always do an assignment there just to see how it is and then I'll be getting paid more too!
Thanks pal, you helped me turn my minor disappointment into a silver lining. Plus, it's great to know that Big Town Hospital thought highly enough of me to even give me a call for an interview. That means that I didn't get this job just because of family connections. Instead, I got it based on the fact that they actually think I can do it.
Thank you L-rd!
The pros and cons keep going on and on in my head. The little hospital will provide me with an in already, I have friends and will make many others, I have family in the nearby vicinity, and housing costs vs. pay ratio is in my favor. However, the cons to little town hospital are that the new grad program is not as in depth, our sickest babies get shipped to big town hospital, and family is in the nearby vicinity.
Yes, I know family is in the pros and cons list. The side of the family in this particular state is full of undiagnosed bipolar (type 2) people, who are being treated for depression. This means that they go manic when they are on a new med and then they stop taking said med once they feel like they are on top of the world. Good heavens, family functions are quite the event to be at and witness various people in their varying degrees of bipolar fluctuations!
Anywho, the pros for Big Time Hospital include: better pay, intensive new grad program, higher acuity NICU, bigger town, more attractions in the city, prettier part of the state, closer to the beach, being a part of a major health care system, being farther away from family than a 20 minutes commute (or seeing them at small town hospital for work every day...). Cons include: higher cost of living, bigger town = too many people, these hospitals are in the major city (no country living for me), I have no aquaintances, I don't even have the job yet the call was just to schedule an interview, and I have no family around that would be closer than a 4-6 hour drive.
Now, I talked to the lady and she said I could potentially always just apply there after I have a few years under my belt. I think that will help me secure the basics before learning the more in depth ICU care like long-term vents, and various higher tech stuff. I miss out on the new grad education, but I learn better hands-on anyway. Plus, with my immediate family having fallen apart this weekend (I'll update you in a later post), I think it would be good to have some kind of support to go and talk to. Best part about it, my Mema is part of the care team for the babies so I don't even have to worry about breaking HIPAA rules as long as it is out of the vicinity of others hearing. I can tell her everything and she gets it because she'll be right there next to me. I also have my great-aunt who is the DON (director of nursing) for the floor and I'm going to talk to her about getting some time in Labor and Delivery and cross-training there.
You know, the more I talk this out with you, the better I'm coming to realize that Small Town Hospital is closer to where I need to be. People have a small-town attitude there, and not the hoity-toity nonsense that comes with Big Town. I can go to Big Town to visit, but don't have to stay there. Then, if I decide to be a travel nurse, I could always do an assignment there just to see how it is and then I'll be getting paid more too!
Thanks pal, you helped me turn my minor disappointment into a silver lining. Plus, it's great to know that Big Town Hospital thought highly enough of me to even give me a call for an interview. That means that I didn't get this job just because of family connections. Instead, I got it based on the fact that they actually think I can do it.
Thank you L-rd!
Monday, April 25, 2016
Making Happy Anniversaries
Today marks the first year anniversary of me getting my SANE exam.
It may not seem like much, but today marks the one year anniversary of me starting to fight for me.
Today is a good anniversary.
So, as I sit at home celebrating alone, I remember how far I've come and how far I have yet to grow. I can see good in most days instead of living in my dark pit of despair. I look forward to little bits in my future, thought I'm not sure how life is going to turn out. I pray that my life gets better and more joyful. I guess we'll see.
Until then, raise a glass and celebrate with me! I'm strong and growing and have survived some pretty shitty stuff. I made it a year longer on this Earth.
It may not seem like much, but today marks the one year anniversary of me starting to fight for me.
Today is a good anniversary.
So, as I sit at home celebrating alone, I remember how far I've come and how far I have yet to grow. I can see good in most days instead of living in my dark pit of despair. I look forward to little bits in my future, thought I'm not sure how life is going to turn out. I pray that my life gets better and more joyful. I guess we'll see.
Until then, raise a glass and celebrate with me! I'm strong and growing and have survived some pretty shitty stuff. I made it a year longer on this Earth.
Monday, April 13, 2015
Living with Regret
At one point or another, we all do something we regret. It could be taking a candy bar from the store, saying something that ends up hurting someone else, or going back on a personal promise made to G-d. I think I've done them all, but the last one is really getting to me. I kissed a boy before my wedding day.
Now, this isn't really a big deal. It was just a kiss and it's not like I dropped my pants and gave the guy my everything. Even then, it wouldn't be the end of the world. So why am I losing sleep over this small act? Why is it that I can have a lovely weekend with the boy, kissing him every once in awhile, and think nothing of it while I'm with him. Yet, as soon as I get in the car, my heart sinks to the floor and I am left with this nagging pain in my gut. I am faced with a whisper saying that I gave my first kiss away because I wasn't strong enough to maintain my boundaries. This is the voice of the enemy, but I cannot silence him because I have strayed from the L-rd. I have wandered outside of His flock in search of a love that only He can give and now I've given a piece of myself that I was saving for my husband.
No doubt the L-rd forgives. L-rd willing, my future husband will forgive me as well. Still, I cannot help but wish I could go back in the past and change that moment. Go back and not have given it away. But alas, G-d allows us to learn from our mistakes and move forward into the next set of mistakes. We are blessed to have a teaching G-d who also forgives when we mess up. Now I just wonder how to fix this. I don't know if I can.
My fear is of breaking hearts. I am terrified that life will become awkward and difficult in my small town situation with my life so intertwined with his. This is why I don't date, I can't handle hurting anyone else so I stay even if I hurt in the process.
I have to confess that I almost started cutting the other night. This is not healthy. I didn't do it, but the urge was stronger than I've felt since before my extremely rough season in 8th grade. My nausea and dizziness have resurfaced and my happiness (not joy, just superficial happiness) has disappeared. In it's wake, I am left hurting and scared. This happiness was just a momentary false front from the excitement that a boy was showing interest in me. I should not be depending on this in order to feel wanted, but I fell for it again. (P.S. I talked to Boyfriend and Beauty about the cutting ideations. I'm not going down that road again.)
Now, this isn't really a big deal. It was just a kiss and it's not like I dropped my pants and gave the guy my everything. Even then, it wouldn't be the end of the world. So why am I losing sleep over this small act? Why is it that I can have a lovely weekend with the boy, kissing him every once in awhile, and think nothing of it while I'm with him. Yet, as soon as I get in the car, my heart sinks to the floor and I am left with this nagging pain in my gut. I am faced with a whisper saying that I gave my first kiss away because I wasn't strong enough to maintain my boundaries. This is the voice of the enemy, but I cannot silence him because I have strayed from the L-rd. I have wandered outside of His flock in search of a love that only He can give and now I've given a piece of myself that I was saving for my husband.
No doubt the L-rd forgives. L-rd willing, my future husband will forgive me as well. Still, I cannot help but wish I could go back in the past and change that moment. Go back and not have given it away. But alas, G-d allows us to learn from our mistakes and move forward into the next set of mistakes. We are blessed to have a teaching G-d who also forgives when we mess up. Now I just wonder how to fix this. I don't know if I can.
My fear is of breaking hearts. I am terrified that life will become awkward and difficult in my small town situation with my life so intertwined with his. This is why I don't date, I can't handle hurting anyone else so I stay even if I hurt in the process.
I have to confess that I almost started cutting the other night. This is not healthy. I didn't do it, but the urge was stronger than I've felt since before my extremely rough season in 8th grade. My nausea and dizziness have resurfaced and my happiness (not joy, just superficial happiness) has disappeared. In it's wake, I am left hurting and scared. This happiness was just a momentary false front from the excitement that a boy was showing interest in me. I should not be depending on this in order to feel wanted, but I fell for it again. (P.S. I talked to Boyfriend and Beauty about the cutting ideations. I'm not going down that road again.)
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Loose Interpretations
I've been looking on Craigslist for potential roommates because that seemed like a good idea and I have noticed that people have different interpretations of just about everything.
"Huge room with view!" Translation: the bedroom is about 2 inches squared using a generous measuring system and it overlooks the neighbors window.
"Nice house with BRAND NEW appliances." Translation: nothing has been changed since the 1800's and the house could collapse on top of you while you're sleeping.
"Nice neighborhood." Translation: it's in a part of town that even cops refuse to visit.
No, it was not my idea to look for a roomie on CL. I know that it is all sorts of bad ideas because there is no real way to know them and there are murderers and other people waiting to do unsavory things to the poor people that fall into their traps. My friend talked me into it. Let's call her Big Red because she is the tiniest petite little lady I've ever met, but she has red hair. Anyway, that's what she and I did during class this week when my teacher decided to call on me TWICE during the class time. I had no idea what she was asking or what we were doing but I survived. I'm getting better at pretending that I know what I'm doing even though I hardly ever have a clue.
I turned in my letter stating I will be leaving my apartment when my lease is up. That's pretty scary because I have nowhere that I am planning to go, yet... Oh L-rd, I trust You and I REALLY need a place to live with good roommates that won't make life miserable and preferably a lot of space. It would be fantastic if they decided that they liked me and we could be buddies. That would be a miracle. I believe miracles happen and I desperately need several of them... simultaneously... pronto.
G-d doesn't move on our time frames. He's not our genie or Santa Clause or our servant. It's a good thing He isn't because life would be awful and the World would be a huge mess with everyone getting everything they ever wanted whenever they wanted it. Can you imagine? Yikes.
"Huge room with view!" Translation: the bedroom is about 2 inches squared using a generous measuring system and it overlooks the neighbors window.
"Nice house with BRAND NEW appliances." Translation: nothing has been changed since the 1800's and the house could collapse on top of you while you're sleeping.
"Nice neighborhood." Translation: it's in a part of town that even cops refuse to visit.
No, it was not my idea to look for a roomie on CL. I know that it is all sorts of bad ideas because there is no real way to know them and there are murderers and other people waiting to do unsavory things to the poor people that fall into their traps. My friend talked me into it. Let's call her Big Red because she is the tiniest petite little lady I've ever met, but she has red hair. Anyway, that's what she and I did during class this week when my teacher decided to call on me TWICE during the class time. I had no idea what she was asking or what we were doing but I survived. I'm getting better at pretending that I know what I'm doing even though I hardly ever have a clue.
I turned in my letter stating I will be leaving my apartment when my lease is up. That's pretty scary because I have nowhere that I am planning to go, yet... Oh L-rd, I trust You and I REALLY need a place to live with good roommates that won't make life miserable and preferably a lot of space. It would be fantastic if they decided that they liked me and we could be buddies. That would be a miracle. I believe miracles happen and I desperately need several of them... simultaneously... pronto.
G-d doesn't move on our time frames. He's not our genie or Santa Clause or our servant. It's a good thing He isn't because life would be awful and the World would be a huge mess with everyone getting everything they ever wanted whenever they wanted it. Can you imagine? Yikes.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Baby Fever?
After recently breaking up with my best friend turned boyfriend, I went home for a few days. That was not because of the break-up, but because I was actually technically on spring break but had to work a ridiculous amount.
My 3 days of spring break end today and they were nice but not enough. I got to hang out with my dog and my family threw me an early, mini birthday celebration. I turn 20 this year and I am not particularly pleased about that. I don't quite understand why I don't want to turn 20. Is it that I may miss being a teen? Perhaps I think I haven't done enough with my "pre-adult" life? There are a plethora of other reasons as to why I dread every birthday, but this one in particular is already proving to be rough and it hasn't even occurred yet. Needless to say, I HATE birthdays and wish I could travel to some place with a beach, a younger drinking age, and somewhere where nobody knows me. Instead, I get to go to clinicals after taking a nap due to the time it takes to write those dreadful care plans. It's bound to be a fantastic freaking day.
Well, I've gotten slightly off track with this post... when does that not happen?
This post was supposed to be about the dream I had last night. Now, please keep judging to a minimum. Actually, you can do what you please because I can't control you and shouldn't try to tell you what to do. :)
Last night, I dreamed that I had a baby. My dream skipped the whole pregnancy and started with me being handed a baby. I was instructed to begin nursing it and I realized I had no idea what I was doing. My mom told me to feed it at 1 and 4. Why only twice? I have no clue. None of this dream made sense. Then I was asked if he looked like the dad or like me. I replied that I didn't know who the dad was because I am not in a relationship and I'm not married. Two guys came to mind though. Country Boy and Best Friend (that I just broke things off with in real life.) I also decided to name the sweet little guy. I couldn't decide a first name, but I wanted his middle name to be Peniel (pronounced PEN-yell) and it means "Face or vision of G-d, that G-d sees." Then I started trying to think of Biblical names or a place to find a good name in the Bible (this was all in my dream.) It went on for a bit longer. It was mainly me feeding him and trying to get my dad to hold him even though he kept refusing.
I don't understand this at all. Why am I having dreams about having babies? I have a lot of these dreams. Do I look more into this whole thing or just ignore them as simply being random pieces of my unconscious that leak into my sleeping state that I may/may not remember in the morning? Seriously, what is this!?!
On a similar note, I have been craving interaction with Country Boy. Folks, I need someone to come and slap me out of this nonsense. I break up with one guy because I can see that our values are not matching and because I am not ready to be tied to another human being. I then turn around and start praying for what I think I want in a husband. I tell G-d that I'm not ready but at the same time I desperately want to find who He wants for me, if there is such a person. Why am I so fickle and continue to flip-flop like this? I say that people drive me nuts, but I make myself more crazy than anyone else ever could. If only I could get away from myself and just reset all of this junk that gets started in my head!
My 3 days of spring break end today and they were nice but not enough. I got to hang out with my dog and my family threw me an early, mini birthday celebration. I turn 20 this year and I am not particularly pleased about that. I don't quite understand why I don't want to turn 20. Is it that I may miss being a teen? Perhaps I think I haven't done enough with my "pre-adult" life? There are a plethora of other reasons as to why I dread every birthday, but this one in particular is already proving to be rough and it hasn't even occurred yet. Needless to say, I HATE birthdays and wish I could travel to some place with a beach, a younger drinking age, and somewhere where nobody knows me. Instead, I get to go to clinicals after taking a nap due to the time it takes to write those dreadful care plans. It's bound to be a fantastic freaking day.
Well, I've gotten slightly off track with this post... when does that not happen?
This post was supposed to be about the dream I had last night. Now, please keep judging to a minimum. Actually, you can do what you please because I can't control you and shouldn't try to tell you what to do. :)
Last night, I dreamed that I had a baby. My dream skipped the whole pregnancy and started with me being handed a baby. I was instructed to begin nursing it and I realized I had no idea what I was doing. My mom told me to feed it at 1 and 4. Why only twice? I have no clue. None of this dream made sense. Then I was asked if he looked like the dad or like me. I replied that I didn't know who the dad was because I am not in a relationship and I'm not married. Two guys came to mind though. Country Boy and Best Friend (that I just broke things off with in real life.) I also decided to name the sweet little guy. I couldn't decide a first name, but I wanted his middle name to be Peniel (pronounced PEN-yell) and it means "Face or vision of G-d, that G-d sees." Then I started trying to think of Biblical names or a place to find a good name in the Bible (this was all in my dream.) It went on for a bit longer. It was mainly me feeding him and trying to get my dad to hold him even though he kept refusing.
I don't understand this at all. Why am I having dreams about having babies? I have a lot of these dreams. Do I look more into this whole thing or just ignore them as simply being random pieces of my unconscious that leak into my sleeping state that I may/may not remember in the morning? Seriously, what is this!?!
On a similar note, I have been craving interaction with Country Boy. Folks, I need someone to come and slap me out of this nonsense. I break up with one guy because I can see that our values are not matching and because I am not ready to be tied to another human being. I then turn around and start praying for what I think I want in a husband. I tell G-d that I'm not ready but at the same time I desperately want to find who He wants for me, if there is such a person. Why am I so fickle and continue to flip-flop like this? I say that people drive me nuts, but I make myself more crazy than anyone else ever could. If only I could get away from myself and just reset all of this junk that gets started in my head!
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Understanding Marriage
This is one of the best articles I have read explaining marriage. Actually, I found a bunch on this one particular website. Plus, it numbered and bolded the reasons for marriage in one of the articles! I love this because not only does it make it easier for me to skim, it also helps you (should you choose to read these) to skim and not read entire articles! I figured this would likely help you guys because I am long-winded and I really want all of the info to be shared without you, my friends, to have to read entire textbooks worth of writing spread across several sites. (Wow, that was kinda a run-on... Sorry!)
Read these articles if you would like more info on the point of marriage. I put them in order of most relevant to my previous points to stuff that I thought was just interesting or other good points...
1) What's the point of marriage?
2) 5 Reasons Marriage Cynics Are Wrong (surprisingly, I am not cynical about any of these 5 things...)
3) What It Really Means to Say 'I Do'
4) 3 Things I Wish I Knew Before We Got Married
5) You Never Marry the Right Person (I know this one sounds disheartening, just trust me and try reading it)
Also, on a completely unrelated note, my mom called. We talked for a little over 1 hour and 39 minutes. I am in a considerably better mood and I didn't even explain my recent struggles. G-d truly blessed me with a strong, hilarious, and totally understanding mom. I love her and I love my dad. I am a daddy's girl, in the best sense, meaning I love working on cars, hangin' with the boys, and setting stuff on fire. I also enjoy throwing footballs, baseballs, and learning about cars/sports/anything anyone is willing to teach me. I'm so very grateful for my parents and their very different personalities.
Read these articles if you would like more info on the point of marriage. I put them in order of most relevant to my previous points to stuff that I thought was just interesting or other good points...
1) What's the point of marriage?
2) 5 Reasons Marriage Cynics Are Wrong (surprisingly, I am not cynical about any of these 5 things...)
3) What It Really Means to Say 'I Do'
4) 3 Things I Wish I Knew Before We Got Married
5) You Never Marry the Right Person (I know this one sounds disheartening, just trust me and try reading it)
Also, on a completely unrelated note, my mom called. We talked for a little over 1 hour and 39 minutes. I am in a considerably better mood and I didn't even explain my recent struggles. G-d truly blessed me with a strong, hilarious, and totally understanding mom. I love her and I love my dad. I am a daddy's girl, in the best sense, meaning I love working on cars, hangin' with the boys, and setting stuff on fire. I also enjoy throwing footballs, baseballs, and learning about cars/sports/anything anyone is willing to teach me. I'm so very grateful for my parents and their very different personalities.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Marriage Study
As a follow-up to my "Personal News" post, I did a word study on marriage. Did it clarify anything about the purpose of marriage? No, not even a little bit. I have noticed, however, that G-d is bringing this topic up in all aspects of my life though. It's kinda strange, but it is also how I know that He is talking to me and He is laying it on my heart. I kinda wish I understood why I need to know so much about this subject, but that is still very unclear.
After independent study and a few Google searches, I have arrived at the point that marriage mainly does 3 things:
Forgive the minor meltdown there, live just isn't what I thought it would be. Do you ever have that experience? You know, something that you thought would be so cool isn't actually all that you thought it would be? I think I am doing that with marriage. I know that was the truth for getting into nursing school, getting my first car, buying my own computer, having a boy like me for the first time, etc. etc. etc. Nothing makes me as happy as I think it is going to make me. On the other hand, the only thing that truly makes me happy is G-d and then He makes me more happy than I ever expected. It makes me wish that I never would have watched t.v. ever, because then I would be able to experience life for myself without having these preconceived notions that something will be so great when it actually isn't in real life.
So, will I have regrets when I get married because I am thinking marriage will be some great thing? I'm not making it out to be a Cinderella story. Let's be real, that's not even my cup of tea. But will I be disappointed with what married life really is? I just want a friend that will be with me for a really long time. Lately, I have seen too many marriages end after 10-25 years because one spouse starts cheating, or they are abusive to the other, or someone's midlife crisis just gets control of them so they split. Will that be my story? Will I have to bear that burden? Would I even be able to survive?
Marriage is so much more than what they show in the movies and on t.v. I'm not even married and I am skeptical that it is something that I would be strong enough to do. Is this G-d telling me that I will never be married or is this Him getting me ready for the harsh reality that marriage is not all fun and games?
After independent study and a few Google searches, I have arrived at the point that marriage mainly does 3 things:
- Provides community (more stable environment for child rearing, friendship, strength, love*, etc)
- Allows for safe procreation (because who doesn't want little mini-me's running around? Having kids is like doing experiments to see what characteristics of each parent they get! I know that sounds bad, but I hope you admit that it is pretty cool seeing this thing grow in you/your wife and then you get to meet the kid and watch them grow up...)
- It is a metaphor of Yeshua's love for His people (Jews and Gentiles alike who trust in Him)
Forgive the minor meltdown there, live just isn't what I thought it would be. Do you ever have that experience? You know, something that you thought would be so cool isn't actually all that you thought it would be? I think I am doing that with marriage. I know that was the truth for getting into nursing school, getting my first car, buying my own computer, having a boy like me for the first time, etc. etc. etc. Nothing makes me as happy as I think it is going to make me. On the other hand, the only thing that truly makes me happy is G-d and then He makes me more happy than I ever expected. It makes me wish that I never would have watched t.v. ever, because then I would be able to experience life for myself without having these preconceived notions that something will be so great when it actually isn't in real life.
So, will I have regrets when I get married because I am thinking marriage will be some great thing? I'm not making it out to be a Cinderella story. Let's be real, that's not even my cup of tea. But will I be disappointed with what married life really is? I just want a friend that will be with me for a really long time. Lately, I have seen too many marriages end after 10-25 years because one spouse starts cheating, or they are abusive to the other, or someone's midlife crisis just gets control of them so they split. Will that be my story? Will I have to bear that burden? Would I even be able to survive?
Marriage is so much more than what they show in the movies and on t.v. I'm not even married and I am skeptical that it is something that I would be strong enough to do. Is this G-d telling me that I will never be married or is this Him getting me ready for the harsh reality that marriage is not all fun and games?
Monday, August 12, 2013
A Glimpse Inside My Brain
Now, this whole blog has kind of morphed into a diary of my inner thoughts and experiences. I don't know if that is good for you or not yet, I'm still collecting and analyzing data from this little experiment. Regardless, I will share the random thought I had last night.
I was driving home at 11:20ish last night, just thinking about life. I started to think about how my "thing" has always been school and good grades. I have never been good at sports. Never been the class clown or even a social butterfly. I associate my identity, some of it, with being the quiet girl that sits in the back and does really well at school (sometimes, even without studying). College has since crushed that identity. I think that is why I was so distraught when I got an A- last year. The B I got in Micro was tough to take, but G-d has relieved my initial upsetness (that's now a word) over getting this grade that I viewed as being unacceptable. At the heart of this problem, though, is the fact that I realized I am just a typical person. That's disappointing. Doesn't everyone want to be extraordinary?
The more I thought about my ordinary life, the more I realized that my life is the "typical" type of life. I was a college freshman that lived in the dorms. Now I live in an apartment 5 minutes from school. I got my first job at 16. I went through school in the grade that I was supposed to be in (no skipping grades because I was super smart) and I was usually in the average class, not the accelerated classes. I graduated in the typical fashion, but didn't go to my actual graduation because it was on a Saturday. I grew up in the suburbs, rode a school bus to school or walked. I was not someone to finish high school by age 12 and become a full-fledged MD by 18. I was not born into royalty and not many people know my name. I may never actually do anything extraordinary in life, but that's for G-d to decide. So, I have to learn how to serve the L-rd in my typical, ordinary life. School is not my identity. I can only get my identity from the Creator. Period.
I was driving home at 11:20ish last night, just thinking about life. I started to think about how my "thing" has always been school and good grades. I have never been good at sports. Never been the class clown or even a social butterfly. I associate my identity, some of it, with being the quiet girl that sits in the back and does really well at school (sometimes, even without studying). College has since crushed that identity. I think that is why I was so distraught when I got an A- last year. The B I got in Micro was tough to take, but G-d has relieved my initial upsetness (that's now a word) over getting this grade that I viewed as being unacceptable. At the heart of this problem, though, is the fact that I realized I am just a typical person. That's disappointing. Doesn't everyone want to be extraordinary?
The more I thought about my ordinary life, the more I realized that my life is the "typical" type of life. I was a college freshman that lived in the dorms. Now I live in an apartment 5 minutes from school. I got my first job at 16. I went through school in the grade that I was supposed to be in (no skipping grades because I was super smart) and I was usually in the average class, not the accelerated classes. I graduated in the typical fashion, but didn't go to my actual graduation because it was on a Saturday. I grew up in the suburbs, rode a school bus to school or walked. I was not someone to finish high school by age 12 and become a full-fledged MD by 18. I was not born into royalty and not many people know my name. I may never actually do anything extraordinary in life, but that's for G-d to decide. So, I have to learn how to serve the L-rd in my typical, ordinary life. School is not my identity. I can only get my identity from the Creator. Period.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Why?
Lately I have had so many people question my every move.
"Why don't you have a boyfriend?"
"Why have you never dated anyone?"
"Why did you move in with your brother?"
"Why are you broke?"
"Why, why, why, why, why?"
My reply: Why is it any of your business and why do you care?
Of course, I never really questioned them, but I kinda wanted to. I am just a very private person and I don't mind sharing about myself, but I don't even know why I do everything so I can't explain it to myself let alone anyone else.
For the past couple weeks I have been mulling over my future in my head again and again. Why kind of nurse will I be? When/where will I meet my husband? Will I get a CNA job in a hospital? How will school be? Will I make tons of friends or just be one of those people who everyone considers a friend but is actually very lonely because she doesn't get close to anyone? (I already am like that.) Where will I live when I graduate? How will the next few years turn out for myself and my brother? Will we live peacefully together or will we kill each other? What is even going on?!
I desperately need to get out of my head and just let G-d control my life. He controls our lives whether we give Him reign or not, but life is way easier if we are not fighting tooth and nail for our silly desires and our plans because G-d always has what we want and need in His plans for our life.
Daily Thanksgiving: My mema came into town and I get to see her tomorrow! I also get to volunteer tomorrow, which I love to do. I got 140/120 on my micro unknown organism project and I got 80% on my vocab test from Wednesday. So far, living with my brother has been great and he got a really good financial aid award which means that we will not be overly stressed for money this year!!! I am so relieved I can't even explain it.
"Why don't you have a boyfriend?"
"Why have you never dated anyone?"
"Why did you move in with your brother?"
"Why are you broke?"
"Why, why, why, why, why?"
My reply: Why is it any of your business and why do you care?
Of course, I never really questioned them, but I kinda wanted to. I am just a very private person and I don't mind sharing about myself, but I don't even know why I do everything so I can't explain it to myself let alone anyone else.
For the past couple weeks I have been mulling over my future in my head again and again. Why kind of nurse will I be? When/where will I meet my husband? Will I get a CNA job in a hospital? How will school be? Will I make tons of friends or just be one of those people who everyone considers a friend but is actually very lonely because she doesn't get close to anyone? (I already am like that.) Where will I live when I graduate? How will the next few years turn out for myself and my brother? Will we live peacefully together or will we kill each other? What is even going on?!
I desperately need to get out of my head and just let G-d control my life. He controls our lives whether we give Him reign or not, but life is way easier if we are not fighting tooth and nail for our silly desires and our plans because G-d always has what we want and need in His plans for our life.
Daily Thanksgiving: My mema came into town and I get to see her tomorrow! I also get to volunteer tomorrow, which I love to do. I got 140/120 on my micro unknown organism project and I got 80% on my vocab test from Wednesday. So far, living with my brother has been great and he got a really good financial aid award which means that we will not be overly stressed for money this year!!! I am so relieved I can't even explain it.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Dating Promises
My friend recently went to a Christian youth conference where they made a list of promises about what they will/won't do while dating. I think this is an excellent idea! I would like to share mine with you. Feel free to add to it or cut things out. You can tell me if I am being completely irrational or if I am not being strict enough. I would like input, if you have any, because I haven't dated anyone, ever, so these are based on ideal circumstances and not totally on experience.
This is just a short list, but I think it gets down to the core of what I need from a relationship. G-d knows who He has chosen for me, if I will indeed date/marry, but these are rules that I feel are G-d inspired to protect me and potential suitors. (I know I use a lot of weird vocabulary like suitors, pursuing me, etc. I'm an old soul with very traditional views and an old-fashioned vocabulary.)
I encourage you to make your own list and keep adding to it as you think about dating/marriage. If I had been keeping all of these promises to myself and G-d my heart would not be so heavy right now and I would know that I had done everything possible to protect my heart for my husband. Life also would have been much easier for me... Unfortunately, I gave in and now I have a lot of regrets. From now on, however, I will be keeping these promises to the best of my ability in order to maintain my integrity, my innocence, and my pure heart.
- I promise to communicate. I want him to know my boundaries and I want to know his. I will work on telling him, and others, what I need, what I want, what I like/don't like, etc.
- I promise to not hang out alone. I have already broken this promise several times but no more!
- I promise to not kiss anyone until my wedding day, and I will only ever kiss my husband.
- I promise to hear him out when he needs/wants something, if he gets jealous, if he wants me to start/stop something. I may not comply with his requests, but we will talk it over and I will explain why I will/won't/can't do something.
- I promise to conduct myself in such a manner that I would not be ashamed of the conversation or activities taking place should my parents, family, friends, children (adopted and future) find out or walk in on us.
- I promise to hold him accountable to promises, convictions, and problems I witness or hear about. I will not consider him guilty if a rumor should begin, but I will ask him about it and take his word.
- I promise to do my best to maintain a holy relationship through dating, engagement, and marriage with him.
- I promise to stay honest, even if the truth will hurt him. I will try my best to not intentionally hurt him or anyone who happens to be pursuing me. However, I do not want to string anyone along simply because I do not want to hurt them. Stringing them along will hurt them (and myself) more than it would if I am just honest in the beginning.
- I promise to love G-d more than I love my boyfriend/husband or anyone else.
- I promise to do my best to find a man that loves G-d more than he loves me or anyone else.
This is just a short list, but I think it gets down to the core of what I need from a relationship. G-d knows who He has chosen for me, if I will indeed date/marry, but these are rules that I feel are G-d inspired to protect me and potential suitors. (I know I use a lot of weird vocabulary like suitors, pursuing me, etc. I'm an old soul with very traditional views and an old-fashioned vocabulary.)
I encourage you to make your own list and keep adding to it as you think about dating/marriage. If I had been keeping all of these promises to myself and G-d my heart would not be so heavy right now and I would know that I had done everything possible to protect my heart for my husband. Life also would have been much easier for me... Unfortunately, I gave in and now I have a lot of regrets. From now on, however, I will be keeping these promises to the best of my ability in order to maintain my integrity, my innocence, and my pure heart.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Funny Quotes
Here are some things people have said to me lately that made me laugh just a bit:
"Coffee is better than sex!" (A new resident when asked if he wanted coffee with lunch)
"Don't call me mister. Call me lover, call me sexy, call me anything but mister." (Same resident when I was walking him to his room to get a jacket. I didn't call him mister, ever...)
"You are sexy!" (A lady resident to me because she heard t.v. infomercial say sexy. This one made me blush!)
"What does you future husband look like?" (A resident out of the clear blue sky when I asked if she wanted lunch. Ironically, it was after one of my pregnancy dreams and I was thinking about my country boy at the time. Very odd timing!)
"My goodness, she is so tall!" (A group of lady residents as I was walking away. I feel like a giant at work because the staff and residents are all shorter than me but I'm only 5'6"!)
"Are you pregnant?" (Female resident to a male CNA. It made no sense but I was sitting with 3-4 other CNA's and we were all in stitches from this one!)
There are some other gems but I can't think of them right now. I think this will be a new on-going post though because I am laughing all the time at funny things people are saying everywhere I go.
"Coffee is better than sex!" (A new resident when asked if he wanted coffee with lunch)
"Don't call me mister. Call me lover, call me sexy, call me anything but mister." (Same resident when I was walking him to his room to get a jacket. I didn't call him mister, ever...)
"You are sexy!" (A lady resident to me because she heard t.v. infomercial say sexy. This one made me blush!)
"What does you future husband look like?" (A resident out of the clear blue sky when I asked if she wanted lunch. Ironically, it was after one of my pregnancy dreams and I was thinking about my country boy at the time. Very odd timing!)
"My goodness, she is so tall!" (A group of lady residents as I was walking away. I feel like a giant at work because the staff and residents are all shorter than me but I'm only 5'6"!)
"Are you pregnant?" (Female resident to a male CNA. It made no sense but I was sitting with 3-4 other CNA's and we were all in stitches from this one!)
There are some other gems but I can't think of them right now. I think this will be a new on-going post though because I am laughing all the time at funny things people are saying everywhere I go.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Beauty of Summer School
Life was good just a few hours ago. Then, I get a call from my friend about our summer microbiology course. It turns out that we were signed up for micro at a campus far from the campus we had signed up for the course at. Long story short, I will have a 45 minute to an hour long drive from the place I am staying at this summer to my summer course instead of a 20 minute drive. We had even physically gone down to the campus we wanted to attend in order to sign up, but we were signed up for another course. We are all human and all make mistakes, but it doesn't make this any less frustrating. Now the campus that we want to be at does not have any seats open and we may not even be able to be on a wait-list. Plus, if I get into this other course, I will miss the first 4 Monday classes and labs because I may be in work, unless G-d can allow my manager to let me have those days off even though I am already scheduled.
What was I thinking trying to take a summer class? This whole ordeal has proved to be nothing but difficulty after difficulty. I was also told to turn in the wrong tax year information and so there is a good chance I will not get financial aid...
Oy vey! Yes, this phrase is usually meant for more traumatic occasions, but I am at my wits end with schooling. What was I thinking even trying to go to college in he first place? They make it so difficult!
In other news, I found out that my rabbi was a biology major before he became a rabbi. He told me this on Shabbat when he was catching up with me about my schooling. It's interesting how people don't talk to you until after you leave for extended periods of time. Then, all of a sudden they feel the need to have these long, in-depth conversations every time you return. I'm not much for social interaction of any kind, but I do little social experiments on my own to pass the time. This was one such observation/study I have begun recently. I'll keep y'all updated.
What was I thinking trying to take a summer class? This whole ordeal has proved to be nothing but difficulty after difficulty. I was also told to turn in the wrong tax year information and so there is a good chance I will not get financial aid...
Oy vey! Yes, this phrase is usually meant for more traumatic occasions, but I am at my wits end with schooling. What was I thinking even trying to go to college in he first place? They make it so difficult!
In other news, I found out that my rabbi was a biology major before he became a rabbi. He told me this on Shabbat when he was catching up with me about my schooling. It's interesting how people don't talk to you until after you leave for extended periods of time. Then, all of a sudden they feel the need to have these long, in-depth conversations every time you return. I'm not much for social interaction of any kind, but I do little social experiments on my own to pass the time. This was one such observation/study I have begun recently. I'll keep y'all updated.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Been Away
Wow, I logged in this morning and there were viewers from all around the world in my little stats column. I want to say there were about 5-6 other countries besides the US which is just amazing to me! Plus, we've surpassed 900 pageviews which makes me so happy!!!
What's up Washington and Utah! How are y'all doing? Russia, Malaysia, Germany, Argentina, Brazil, Venezuela and America, it's nice to see you checking in! How is everyone doing?
Sorry I've not been posting anything lately. It turns out that I am extremely busy when I come home from college and I just plain forget to keep y'all in the loop. I plan on changing that and this post will likely be very long...
First of all, I would like to add something to my advice the the older me:
13) Set and enforce boundaries. They need to be put in place in order to make sure you stay safe and do not get walked on. Other peoples feelings are important, but you cannot control how they feel or react to your boundaries and you must be aware of that. Make sure that you respect yourself enough to set boundaries to protect yourself and your sanity, then enforce them in a loving way.
Next, I have some good news. (Sorry about the elementary school writing today-the first, next, etc-I'm just keeping all my information spread out in case you need to take a few sittings to read this ever-growing post.) The good news is that I got an 86% on my anatomy final, which I thought would secure a solid B in the class. G-d had other plans, however. He got my an A-! Last semester I was distraught at the idea that I would not get a 4.0 gpa because I got an A- in this same class last semester too. This semester though, I am so very happy that my gpa is not going to drop further! I was sure I was also going to get a B+ or A- in chem, but the L-rd got me an A in chem. Praise the L-rd! He is getting me amazing grades even though I didn't think I would get them and it was all Him because I did not work as hard as I should have this semester.
Also, my guy friend and I talked a little bit. I am so glad that he brings the feelings and stuff up, because I really am not good at talking about feelings. It was a good talk. We discussed what has been going on and where we are headed. He said he would treat me right if we ever begin dating and I completely believe him. I mentioned my boundaries and he is totally respectful of them. I also mentioned it could be 3-7 years (huge span I know) before I could begin to even conceive of myself getting in a relationship, he respected that too and said he would wait. After feeling like I have just been used by all the guys that have shown interest in me in the past, it is so strange to know that he cherishes me. He does not speak inappropriately to me, he listens to me and is honest with me when I ask for advice. Though I have not dated anyone-and I am very glad I have not!-the qualities he possesses will be qualities that girls need to look for. He holds open doors, lets me speak my mind, and he tries to learn about me. Even my beliefs about G-d, the Bible, and the Holy Days/holidays I celebrate; he is trying to learn about it all! I pray that I do not break his heart, because we do not know if we will even work out at the end of my schooling of 3-7 years, but I have told him that he can date others and we will reassess when I am finished, if need be. For now, we are in a pleasant zone between friends and dating. I don't know how long this will be pleasant for us. Perhaps there will be major shifting sometime down the road and we will decide we are not right for each other far before my schooling is completed. Currently, however, I am satisfied and comfortable knowing that he knows my desires for dating, some of my boundaries, and my timescale. He is so very respectful, I am having a hard time believing our talk went so well, mainly because I tend to royally screw things up.
Finally, I want to tell you about my brother. All this year he has been perplexing to me. I would walk in the door after being gone at school for a month and he would tell me to go home (he meant back to school). He did not like me or be very nice to me and we would fight so much. Then, about a week or two ago, he texted me letting me know he was applying to my college. This was surprising because he had already applied to the community college near our parents home and he was planning on staying at home with them to finish up his prereques for school. Now, he is applying to my school and asking to move in with me when I get an apartment. Since I have gotten home this last week, we have been hanging out and talking about how we would furnish the apartment, if he gets into my university. We went to lunch yesterday and we talked like old friends. This relationship with my brother is what I missed to very much this last year. I had given it to G-d and accepted that my brother may never speak to me again. Then G-d turned my brother's heart back to accepting me. We have not had a fight since I have been home (which is rare for us to go this long), and he is kind to me without expecting me to do anything for him in return. For this, my heart is so very joyful.
Daily Thanksgivings: I was able to go to shul on Saturday for Shavuot (more on this holiday later). I got an A- in anatomy!!! I am finished with school. My brother graduates high school on friday, he's getting so big... My brother is being very kind and treating me like a comrad, instead of an enemy. My guy friend initiated another feelings talk and it went very well. I am home. The pain I received from the email I received from my former roommate is subsiding substantially. I have likely lost her friendship, which I understand because I was unable to warn her earlier, but all of this is for the best and G-d is calming my heart. He is taking my burden of worry, stress, guilt and unrighteous anger from me.
Praise the L-rd! My cup runneth over.
1 Peter 5:7 - "Cast all your anxieties upon Him because He cares for you."
This verse seems to be my life verse. Despite the many anxieties I have (and many are made up in my head), He takes them all and calms my heart. He alone can do this. He alone takes my depression and protects me (often from myself when the depression gets really bad). He soothes me when sleep will not come and I cry in my room because I feel alone or stressed. He is always with me, even when I feel completely isolated from the billions of other people on this giant rock. He even fashioned me, this giant rock, and the universe. He knows my every weakness, yet He loves me. He knows my past, He is with me in my present, and He has gone before me into my future. He loves me when no one else seems to be able to. He protects me from the dangers of this world. He provides for my every need and teaches me how to live, trust, and love. He is everything I need, yet He plants desires in my heart, then fulfills them!
What's up Washington and Utah! How are y'all doing? Russia, Malaysia, Germany, Argentina, Brazil, Venezuela and America, it's nice to see you checking in! How is everyone doing?
Sorry I've not been posting anything lately. It turns out that I am extremely busy when I come home from college and I just plain forget to keep y'all in the loop. I plan on changing that and this post will likely be very long...
First of all, I would like to add something to my advice the the older me:
13) Set and enforce boundaries. They need to be put in place in order to make sure you stay safe and do not get walked on. Other peoples feelings are important, but you cannot control how they feel or react to your boundaries and you must be aware of that. Make sure that you respect yourself enough to set boundaries to protect yourself and your sanity, then enforce them in a loving way.
Next, I have some good news. (Sorry about the elementary school writing today-the first, next, etc-I'm just keeping all my information spread out in case you need to take a few sittings to read this ever-growing post.) The good news is that I got an 86% on my anatomy final, which I thought would secure a solid B in the class. G-d had other plans, however. He got my an A-! Last semester I was distraught at the idea that I would not get a 4.0 gpa because I got an A- in this same class last semester too. This semester though, I am so very happy that my gpa is not going to drop further! I was sure I was also going to get a B+ or A- in chem, but the L-rd got me an A in chem. Praise the L-rd! He is getting me amazing grades even though I didn't think I would get them and it was all Him because I did not work as hard as I should have this semester.
Also, my guy friend and I talked a little bit. I am so glad that he brings the feelings and stuff up, because I really am not good at talking about feelings. It was a good talk. We discussed what has been going on and where we are headed. He said he would treat me right if we ever begin dating and I completely believe him. I mentioned my boundaries and he is totally respectful of them. I also mentioned it could be 3-7 years (huge span I know) before I could begin to even conceive of myself getting in a relationship, he respected that too and said he would wait. After feeling like I have just been used by all the guys that have shown interest in me in the past, it is so strange to know that he cherishes me. He does not speak inappropriately to me, he listens to me and is honest with me when I ask for advice. Though I have not dated anyone-and I am very glad I have not!-the qualities he possesses will be qualities that girls need to look for. He holds open doors, lets me speak my mind, and he tries to learn about me. Even my beliefs about G-d, the Bible, and the Holy Days/holidays I celebrate; he is trying to learn about it all! I pray that I do not break his heart, because we do not know if we will even work out at the end of my schooling of 3-7 years, but I have told him that he can date others and we will reassess when I am finished, if need be. For now, we are in a pleasant zone between friends and dating. I don't know how long this will be pleasant for us. Perhaps there will be major shifting sometime down the road and we will decide we are not right for each other far before my schooling is completed. Currently, however, I am satisfied and comfortable knowing that he knows my desires for dating, some of my boundaries, and my timescale. He is so very respectful, I am having a hard time believing our talk went so well, mainly because I tend to royally screw things up.
Finally, I want to tell you about my brother. All this year he has been perplexing to me. I would walk in the door after being gone at school for a month and he would tell me to go home (he meant back to school). He did not like me or be very nice to me and we would fight so much. Then, about a week or two ago, he texted me letting me know he was applying to my college. This was surprising because he had already applied to the community college near our parents home and he was planning on staying at home with them to finish up his prereques for school. Now, he is applying to my school and asking to move in with me when I get an apartment. Since I have gotten home this last week, we have been hanging out and talking about how we would furnish the apartment, if he gets into my university. We went to lunch yesterday and we talked like old friends. This relationship with my brother is what I missed to very much this last year. I had given it to G-d and accepted that my brother may never speak to me again. Then G-d turned my brother's heart back to accepting me. We have not had a fight since I have been home (which is rare for us to go this long), and he is kind to me without expecting me to do anything for him in return. For this, my heart is so very joyful.
Daily Thanksgivings: I was able to go to shul on Saturday for Shavuot (more on this holiday later). I got an A- in anatomy!!! I am finished with school. My brother graduates high school on friday, he's getting so big... My brother is being very kind and treating me like a comrad, instead of an enemy. My guy friend initiated another feelings talk and it went very well. I am home. The pain I received from the email I received from my former roommate is subsiding substantially. I have likely lost her friendship, which I understand because I was unable to warn her earlier, but all of this is for the best and G-d is calming my heart. He is taking my burden of worry, stress, guilt and unrighteous anger from me.
Praise the L-rd! My cup runneth over.
1 Peter 5:7 - "Cast all your anxieties upon Him because He cares for you."
This verse seems to be my life verse. Despite the many anxieties I have (and many are made up in my head), He takes them all and calms my heart. He alone can do this. He alone takes my depression and protects me (often from myself when the depression gets really bad). He soothes me when sleep will not come and I cry in my room because I feel alone or stressed. He is always with me, even when I feel completely isolated from the billions of other people on this giant rock. He even fashioned me, this giant rock, and the universe. He knows my every weakness, yet He loves me. He knows my past, He is with me in my present, and He has gone before me into my future. He loves me when no one else seems to be able to. He protects me from the dangers of this world. He provides for my every need and teaches me how to live, trust, and love. He is everything I need, yet He plants desires in my heart, then fulfills them!
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Advice to the Older Me
I got an idea from another blog I read and I have decided to write advice to the older me. This advice focuses on my dreams right now and why I want to be a nurse so badly.
- Mom and Mema: Remember, you are not doing this entirely for yourself, you are walking in the shoes of your family. You are completing what your mom was unable to complete to share your joy with her when you graduate.
- Babies! Whether you become a NICU nurse or L&D nurse upon graduation, remember the sweet babies you will get to care for and share the beginning of their lives with.
- The stress you feel over getting a B is unnecessary. It may feel like the end of the world, but it's not even close. You passed all of your courses freshman year when so many thought you wouldn't.
- It is okay to cry. One of the hardest things to admit, but it reduces stress hormones. We both know you have an over-abundance of stress, so just shed a few tears and move on.
- Continue to learn from your mistakes and keep taking advice-wise advice, of course.
- Always be working on remaining humble. When you do something wrong, ask how to make it better next time. Then make it better the next time.
- Remember, you started out as a CNA. You were a really slow CNA. Keep chesed for all of the CNA's, EMT's, new nurses, doctors, patients, and everyone else in the world.
- If someone doesn't treat you right: 1) Assume they could be having a bad day and continue to be kind. Do not talk about others behind their backs, but you can compliment others whether to their face or to others around them. 2) If they continue to not treat you right, STILL BE NICE! However, you can tell them that you will not help them or ask them to stop talking disrespectfully. DO NOT talk about them behind their backs. If others are, defend them, regardless of what that person did to you.
- Don't become anti-social. I know you have tendencies to do so, but get a dog and some friends!
- Read the Bible everyday. Learn to care from how Ad-nai and Yeshua (Jesus' Hebrew name) first cared for us. Wash your disciples feet (metaphorically, but can be literally too!).
- Breathe. Relax when you can. Enjoy life. Don't stress about stuff you can't fix. When you can fix something, work the problem out in your head and take care of it.
- Remember, G-d's plan for your life is infinitely better than your plan for your life. Just trust Him and stop giving the reigns, then taking them back right away!
Friday, May 10, 2013
Day of Study
Today was supposed to be my day to study, but it wasn't very successful. I only completed my paper which took about 6 hours even though I only needed to write two paragraphs. But that's my fault, I kept messing around. Oh well.
Shabbat Shalom! This is my final Sabbath that I have to spend at school and that makes me so very happy. I am very thankful for this day of rest especially in finals week. Unfortunately, I am often confused as to what I should do when I have loads of schoolwork that I need to complete but am supposed to rest on the Sabbath.
Tonight at school they are having this silly run where you donate the clothes - all but your underwear - and then go for a run with hundreds of other students... IN YOUR UNDERWEAR! This is obviously not something I am going to take part in because my guy swim trunks and short sleeve surf shirt is not even modest enough for me, let alone nothing but my skivvies! I hope all the students have fun. But just started raining... Golly, it's probably sick that I think it's hilarious for us to get rain just as everyone is getting undressed together, but I do find it entertaining that they are now nearly naked and about to get soaked. It's not even a warm rain, it's actually getting chilly out.
Daily Thanksgiving: I turned in my last English paper early, which is so out of character for me. It is now Shabbat and I have a day of rest before crunch time hits me like a train for finals. I don't have to work on Sunday so I can actually study for my chem and psych finals that take place on Monday. Also, I am very thankful that G-d gave me two days between my first two finals and my anatomy final. Plus, the anatomy final will have some reproductive questions on it and I love the reproductive system!!! I am almost done with freshman year and it feels so good. I can't believe I only have tests and then I am done. It seems like I was just moving in, then I was just changing rooms and then here I am packing up to leave. I have matured though and G-d has taught me a lot in this short amount of time. Now I wish I would have started blogging at the beginning of my schooling journey instead of half way into my first year, but it is what it is and as I think of stories I will share, because there are lots of lessons to be learned from this silly - sometimes foolish - girl.
Shabbat Shalom! This is my final Sabbath that I have to spend at school and that makes me so very happy. I am very thankful for this day of rest especially in finals week. Unfortunately, I am often confused as to what I should do when I have loads of schoolwork that I need to complete but am supposed to rest on the Sabbath.
Tonight at school they are having this silly run where you donate the clothes - all but your underwear - and then go for a run with hundreds of other students... IN YOUR UNDERWEAR! This is obviously not something I am going to take part in because my guy swim trunks and short sleeve surf shirt is not even modest enough for me, let alone nothing but my skivvies! I hope all the students have fun. But just started raining... Golly, it's probably sick that I think it's hilarious for us to get rain just as everyone is getting undressed together, but I do find it entertaining that they are now nearly naked and about to get soaked. It's not even a warm rain, it's actually getting chilly out.
Daily Thanksgiving: I turned in my last English paper early, which is so out of character for me. It is now Shabbat and I have a day of rest before crunch time hits me like a train for finals. I don't have to work on Sunday so I can actually study for my chem and psych finals that take place on Monday. Also, I am very thankful that G-d gave me two days between my first two finals and my anatomy final. Plus, the anatomy final will have some reproductive questions on it and I love the reproductive system!!! I am almost done with freshman year and it feels so good. I can't believe I only have tests and then I am done. It seems like I was just moving in, then I was just changing rooms and then here I am packing up to leave. I have matured though and G-d has taught me a lot in this short amount of time. Now I wish I would have started blogging at the beginning of my schooling journey instead of half way into my first year, but it is what it is and as I think of stories I will share, because there are lots of lessons to be learned from this silly - sometimes foolish - girl.
Return of My Cynicism
I just researched "cynic" just to see if I was spelling it right, but I found this definition on Google: "Cynicism, in its original form, refers to the beliefs of an ancient
school of Greek philosophers known as the Cynics. Their philosophy was
that the purpose of life was to live a life of Virtue in agreement with
Nature."
Ya, that's definitely not me. I go under the newer definition of cynicism (also found on Google):
Anyway, gone was the week or so of being slightly calmer than normal because my cynicism has returned with a vengeance! It seems like I'm going through the whole wedding cycle again, which is weird because the normal triggers that typically have to take place have not taken place. Maybe its the fact that I'm writing a paper about college student's views on marriage and how it is beneficial to remain single, at least until school is completed and your career is up and running. Right now though, I am finding myself not wanting to be married, or even dating at all. But, coupled with my sudden disdain for the thought of me being married is that little inkling of hope that I will someday be a mother and have children of my own. I will not be a single mother who just gets knocked up in order to have offspring so how do I get around being married but still have children? Maybe I will just give up the thought of children and just focus on helping other women have their babies instead. Then, I still get to hold babies and I don't have to get hitched. Unfortunately, I have a sinking suspicion that this proposal will not provide happiness or get rid of my desires. Maybe marriage won't be so bad, but right now it makes my stomach ill. Not because I'm scared of living with someone for the rest of my life, or because I'm terrified of letting someone know all of me (my thoughts, my life, my everything) though that is a little scary. Right now, I can't pinpoint why I am so opposed to me marrying someone, but this thought of no marriage is getting stronger.
Again, questions are circling through my mind like: Does G-d even have someone for me? Would I even be able to have children? Would I be a good mother? Can I make it through nursing school, let alone midwifery school?
Why am I not able to just trust that G-d will take care of everything!?! I'm so frustrated with myself that I tell G-d I trust Him to orchestrate my life, but then I take the reigns right back and I begin to tell him what I want from life, in a husband, and random things throughout the day. Why? I'm not Him, I don't know what's best for me. Maybe He needs me to finish nursing school in 4.5 or 5 years instead of the 4 year program I am trying for. Maybe He doesn't even want me to be a nurse. I don't know. Perhaps I need to stay single and not be a mother for whatever reason. It sucks constantly not knowing what life is going to be like, where I am going, or what's going to happen. But it's in those times that my faith is strengthened and life is the smoothest when I finally surrender and let G-d do what He is going to do. How do I get back to the state of surrender? How do I stay in that state instead of trying to control everything again?
Ya, that's definitely not me. I go under the newer definition of cynicism (also found on Google):
- Believing that people are motivated by self-interest; distrustful of human sincerity or integrity.
- Doubtful as to whether something will happen or is worthwhile.
Anyway, gone was the week or so of being slightly calmer than normal because my cynicism has returned with a vengeance! It seems like I'm going through the whole wedding cycle again, which is weird because the normal triggers that typically have to take place have not taken place. Maybe its the fact that I'm writing a paper about college student's views on marriage and how it is beneficial to remain single, at least until school is completed and your career is up and running. Right now though, I am finding myself not wanting to be married, or even dating at all. But, coupled with my sudden disdain for the thought of me being married is that little inkling of hope that I will someday be a mother and have children of my own. I will not be a single mother who just gets knocked up in order to have offspring so how do I get around being married but still have children? Maybe I will just give up the thought of children and just focus on helping other women have their babies instead. Then, I still get to hold babies and I don't have to get hitched. Unfortunately, I have a sinking suspicion that this proposal will not provide happiness or get rid of my desires. Maybe marriage won't be so bad, but right now it makes my stomach ill. Not because I'm scared of living with someone for the rest of my life, or because I'm terrified of letting someone know all of me (my thoughts, my life, my everything) though that is a little scary. Right now, I can't pinpoint why I am so opposed to me marrying someone, but this thought of no marriage is getting stronger.
Again, questions are circling through my mind like: Does G-d even have someone for me? Would I even be able to have children? Would I be a good mother? Can I make it through nursing school, let alone midwifery school?
Why am I not able to just trust that G-d will take care of everything!?! I'm so frustrated with myself that I tell G-d I trust Him to orchestrate my life, but then I take the reigns right back and I begin to tell him what I want from life, in a husband, and random things throughout the day. Why? I'm not Him, I don't know what's best for me. Maybe He needs me to finish nursing school in 4.5 or 5 years instead of the 4 year program I am trying for. Maybe He doesn't even want me to be a nurse. I don't know. Perhaps I need to stay single and not be a mother for whatever reason. It sucks constantly not knowing what life is going to be like, where I am going, or what's going to happen. But it's in those times that my faith is strengthened and life is the smoothest when I finally surrender and let G-d do what He is going to do. How do I get back to the state of surrender? How do I stay in that state instead of trying to control everything again?
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Freshman Year Is Nearly Complete!
With all of my classes completed, now I just have to turn in my English paper and take my three finals and then I am free!!! Of course, the freedom only lasts for a week and I won't really be completely free because I have to study for the HESI... but I won't have any actual school for a little bit which is so very nice. Praise the L-rd!
Today I went and volunteered at a free medical clinic as a CNA and I absolutely loved it. I had such a good time. My main job is to call a patient back, get their vitals, history, medications, and what they are in the office for. Then I let the doctor know that the patient is there and that's it. The rest of the time we stand around talking and doing other stuff. Tonight I learned about a month long EMT course and a two week long course (only 2 classes a week) after that to become certified for IV's. Seeing as I wanted to be an EMT first instead of becoming a CNA, I am so excited about this possibility, but I don't have time nor money for the class... So, we will see if it's something G-d wants me to do or not. The frustrating thing about finding this kind of information is that I wanted to be an EMT first, but then got my CNA. So now I am at a crossroads because I am already licensed and I paid for one class, which was nearly $1000! Now, I find a class that I was originally interested in, so do I shell out another $1000 to get that license as well? Did I just waste $1000 getting a now useless license? Now I probably can't even get reimbursed for the CNA course because the administrators did not get my paperwork done in time and nobody is letting me know what's going on with anything. But that is also partly my fault for not pestering them more so that I could actually be made a priority in order to get what I needed. So very frustrating!
Daily Thanksgiving: I'm done with classes. I got to volunteer. My paper was peer reviewed and found to be "excellent" (paraphrasing) by the girl who read it. Opportunities are being presented for lots of stuff in my life, I just have to wait on G-d to tell me if I should act on it or not.
Today I went and volunteered at a free medical clinic as a CNA and I absolutely loved it. I had such a good time. My main job is to call a patient back, get their vitals, history, medications, and what they are in the office for. Then I let the doctor know that the patient is there and that's it. The rest of the time we stand around talking and doing other stuff. Tonight I learned about a month long EMT course and a two week long course (only 2 classes a week) after that to become certified for IV's. Seeing as I wanted to be an EMT first instead of becoming a CNA, I am so excited about this possibility, but I don't have time nor money for the class... So, we will see if it's something G-d wants me to do or not. The frustrating thing about finding this kind of information is that I wanted to be an EMT first, but then got my CNA. So now I am at a crossroads because I am already licensed and I paid for one class, which was nearly $1000! Now, I find a class that I was originally interested in, so do I shell out another $1000 to get that license as well? Did I just waste $1000 getting a now useless license? Now I probably can't even get reimbursed for the CNA course because the administrators did not get my paperwork done in time and nobody is letting me know what's going on with anything. But that is also partly my fault for not pestering them more so that I could actually be made a priority in order to get what I needed. So very frustrating!
Daily Thanksgiving: I'm done with classes. I got to volunteer. My paper was peer reviewed and found to be "excellent" (paraphrasing) by the girl who read it. Opportunities are being presented for lots of stuff in my life, I just have to wait on G-d to tell me if I should act on it or not.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Weary Soul
Y'all, I'm so exhausted. I am ready for school to be over (1.5 weeks of learning left, then 1 week of finals). I am ready to know where I am going to live next year and I would really like to be able to get a job in a hospital soon! Also, I just want the HESI to be over with (unfortunately, I have not begun studying for it yet...) L-rd willing, I will get into nursing school for fall 2013, but I don't know if that's going to happen and it's stressing me out. At least today is my last lab before my very last anatomy practical (lab test) so I am almost done with A&P. Funny thing is, I just realized that as I was typing. Seeing as I dislike this class very much, I thought I would have had a count-down long ago, but it never even crossed my mind. School just needs to be over and I need to be a nurse and/or a midwife already!!!!!!!!
That brings me to another point of interest: Should I continue on with school for midwifery as soon as I graduate with my BSN? Should I work as a nurse for awhile then go back to school? What if I get married? What about children? Where will I be? Will I even get married? Am I even able to reproduce? How am I going to be able to pay for midwifery school and pay off my undergrad debt? Will I become a nurse at all? Will I even live to see 3-5 years from now? What am I doing here?
I don't know. I have no answers to any of these questions and there is a good chance I will not have any answers for awhile, or at least until G-d decides to tell me what's going on. Maybe He never will and I will just be here, living, doing stuff without knowing why I am doing anything at all...
Yes, I'm still in a funk from the last couple of weeks and it's starting to cause pain in my shoulders and I am not sleeping as well anymore (even with magnesium!).
Daily Thanksgiving: I am not in control of my life, G-d is. If I were in control, my life would be awful! But G-d holds my past, present, and future and He knows what He's doing. I am almost finished with school for the Spring 2013 semester. Summer is almost here which means I only have 1 class for a few months and I will be able to work a lot more in order to save up a little bit for an apartment. My past/future roommate (the same person, it's a long story but I've written about it before) and I found quite a few nice apartments. Some places even have 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms on our price range! I am almost not a freshman and I am almost 1/4-1/5 of the way done with my undergrad degree (depending if I get into the nursing program in the Fall of 2013 or not). G-d is teaching me, yet again, to not worry and to trust Him.
It just occurred to me that I should be telling you guys about my favorite verses and the Bible stories I am reading! So here is one of my favorite verses, I can't remember if I've shared it with you yet or not.
1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.
He gave me that verse one day when I was sobbing because of my anxiety about the future. Funny how He has the exact right words to give you and He meets you were you are.
That brings me to another point of interest: Should I continue on with school for midwifery as soon as I graduate with my BSN? Should I work as a nurse for awhile then go back to school? What if I get married? What about children? Where will I be? Will I even get married? Am I even able to reproduce? How am I going to be able to pay for midwifery school and pay off my undergrad debt? Will I become a nurse at all? Will I even live to see 3-5 years from now? What am I doing here?
I don't know. I have no answers to any of these questions and there is a good chance I will not have any answers for awhile, or at least until G-d decides to tell me what's going on. Maybe He never will and I will just be here, living, doing stuff without knowing why I am doing anything at all...
Yes, I'm still in a funk from the last couple of weeks and it's starting to cause pain in my shoulders and I am not sleeping as well anymore (even with magnesium!).
Daily Thanksgiving: I am not in control of my life, G-d is. If I were in control, my life would be awful! But G-d holds my past, present, and future and He knows what He's doing. I am almost finished with school for the Spring 2013 semester. Summer is almost here which means I only have 1 class for a few months and I will be able to work a lot more in order to save up a little bit for an apartment. My past/future roommate (the same person, it's a long story but I've written about it before) and I found quite a few nice apartments. Some places even have 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms on our price range! I am almost not a freshman and I am almost 1/4-1/5 of the way done with my undergrad degree (depending if I get into the nursing program in the Fall of 2013 or not). G-d is teaching me, yet again, to not worry and to trust Him.
It just occurred to me that I should be telling you guys about my favorite verses and the Bible stories I am reading! So here is one of my favorite verses, I can't remember if I've shared it with you yet or not.
1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.
He gave me that verse one day when I was sobbing because of my anxiety about the future. Funny how He has the exact right words to give you and He meets you were you are.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Short and Sweet
Folks, I'm going to keep this short and sweet and just do my daily thanksgivings in this post.
Daily Thanksgiving: I am alive. I'm passing my classes with at least a B. I got to talk to my parents (and have a little cry, but don't worry about that). G-d's allowing me to have fun and He is also teaching me a lot about others and even more about myself. I am so very thankful for the ability and opportunity to go to college and have it be so close to home. I am the daughter of THE King, THE Creator, and THE One TRUE G-d (all names for the same G-d). He protects me and loves me despite my foolishness and He forgives me for my many shortcomings when I ask for forgiveness. He loves me enough to discipline me and also He loves me enough to let me make mistakes that He fixes in the end. He holds my heart. He holds my past, present, and future and He will never leave me, nor will He forsake me. He is my G-d, my Abba (Father), and I am not worthy of His love or grace or provisions.
Daily Thanksgiving: I am alive. I'm passing my classes with at least a B. I got to talk to my parents (and have a little cry, but don't worry about that). G-d's allowing me to have fun and He is also teaching me a lot about others and even more about myself. I am so very thankful for the ability and opportunity to go to college and have it be so close to home. I am the daughter of THE King, THE Creator, and THE One TRUE G-d (all names for the same G-d). He protects me and loves me despite my foolishness and He forgives me for my many shortcomings when I ask for forgiveness. He loves me enough to discipline me and also He loves me enough to let me make mistakes that He fixes in the end. He holds my heart. He holds my past, present, and future and He will never leave me, nor will He forsake me. He is my G-d, my Abba (Father), and I am not worthy of His love or grace or provisions.
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