Compassion Fatigue

I absolutely love working in the hospital. It is so great getting to work on so many floors with so many different nurses, CNA's, and other staff members. It makes clinicals so amazing because I already know everyone and I have gotten quite a few job offers of sorts.

After the incident with EXboyfriend, I had been going down the sleep slope of compassion fatigue. I feel like I care for everyone else, and I do so with all that I have in my heart, but nobody cares for me. Everyone demands so much of me but nobody is willing to shoulder any of my burden, they won't even listen about my burden. So, I am getting increasingly more isolated (even from "close" friends and family) and yet everyone is demanding more and more from me.

I get it, everyone has their own problems and everyone needs help. I totally understand. However, why does it seem okay for everyone to just expect everything from me? Often without even asking if I'm willing to do things, they just assume that I will be available because apparently I have no life and no needs of my own.

• I don't have weekend plans so I can drive my 5 different friends who are on 5 completely different flights to the airport that is 2 and a half hours away, on a Friday night and Saturday morning, no less. 
• Sure, I will pay attention in class while you screw around on Pinterest in the back and then give you a play-by-play of exactly what happened in class and every important piece in information you need to know. 
• Sure, I will puppy sit all the puppies and not have any chance at a relaxing weekend or any chance at sleeping in. 
• Sure, I will be forced to make all the decisions for my school group and friend group and then be criticized at every turn because what I finally chose doesn't work for anyone but nobody else has a fucking idea of what they want to do. 

Because I have no life. I'm not allowed to have personal time where I don't have to be fake for anyone so that everyone can live in the illusion that I am okay because they can't handle me not being okay.

I'm not allowed to be selfish for one second. I have to take care of patients who need complete, total care and deal with nurses and CNA's who sometimes don't step foot in the room because the patient needs a sitter so I should be able to completely handle the patient all night long, alone.

I have to keep my shit together, not have any kind of support from anyone, be able to support everyone around me, and slap on a smile so that nobody knows what's going on in my dungeon of a mind.


So, I fight a battle nobody knows about. I have scars nobody has seen and nobody can ever understand. I am completely alone in this world carrying burdens that nobody will help me with. I carry pain with me that nobody can comprehend and I fight for every breath I take. I cry when I'm alone because for the first time in about 6 months, I am finally able to and sometimes I just need to feel something instead of the rage growing inside of me and the numbness from being completely unable to handle any of the immense troubles that weigh down every step I try to take. I am being crushed. I am being consumed absolutely alive by flames while simultaneously drowning and I get no relief anywhere or from anyone.


Oh, so this all led me to quit my job. I have to finish out another two months, or so, but I sent in my resignation letter to my boss last night during my shift. I don't know if I'll be able to be a nurse because I can't even take care of my own basic needs like sleeping or eating properly. How am I supposed to care for anyone else? My heart feels so empty anymore, I don't know if I have the capacity to care for anyone else anymore.

That was my news. Saying that I quit my job was the original purpose of this post but I went a little crazy... I'm sorry guys.

Life of Adventure

When praying about fiance at the beginning of our relationship, the L-rd whispered to my heart we would have adventures, he would give me a life of adventure. This prayer occurred shortly after engagement which was a mere couple of months into our relationship.

This whisper was not a lie. We have had so many ups and downs I wonder most days if I am going crazy or not.

He came home early from work a couple weeks ago on the premise that he thought I was having problems and he wanted to help "fix" us and me. I have repeatedly told him that fixing people is G-d's job and I cannot be fixed in a conversation or two. He disagrees but we've been working through my Country Boy and exboyfriend stuff all summer and I feel like I've made very little progress. Mostly, I just need downtime to heal and start to make my life mine again. I don't feel like I have any control over anything anymore. Granted, how much do any of us control anything that happens to us? Is it not all in G-d's hands? So, I am learning to let go.

Today in church we talked about living a life of adventure. We learned about how the pastor and the church elders/employees feel that G-d is about to move in powerful ways and we are supposed to surrender and let the L-rd have at it. I completely agree, G-d is in control and it is silly for us to try to plan or control anything because everything happens on His time frame, not ours.

If you recall, I had tons of plans for the past two years to go work with Mema in her NICU because I was already offered a job there. She was going to let me pay low rent in exchange for help around the house and we could help each other out with job stuff and whatnot. Those plans went up in smoke this summer. I no longer have any idea of where I will work after graduation, where I will live, what state I will end up in, or even if I will work in the NICU.

If I cannot have kids, I do not want to work with babies (NICU/L&D) because I know I will get burnt out, cynical, and way depressed if I work with babies when I cannot have any. Lately, I have not even wanted to have children or be married because I don't want to drag other children into this world to go through terrible things. I have experienced some rough stuff, but so many other people go through so much more. I cannot bear witness to my children going through such hard life circumstances. I cannot even live through them myself.

I came to this conclusion after watching my mom struggle with my life choices and consequences and happenings the past few months. From her finding out about suicide attempts and self harm at the beginning of the summer, to her watching me go through rape stuff, she is having a hard time with my issues almost worse than I am. I don't want to go through that or watch my kids go through that. So, what do I do to fix such a potential situation? I simply avoid having children. Bam, no issue. If fiance and I do not happen to make it, I'm not saying we will or won't, but I will not try for another relationship. If I stay alone then I don't have to worry about having another person to care for and be concerned about, I will simply have to worry about myself and my work. Yes, it may be a lonely life, but honestly, I've gone through enough for a lifetime or two, I don't need to have anything else happen. I just wanted an easy, simple, pure life. That was stolen in a matter of months and I no longer strive to go for the dreams I had at the beginning of this past April. I just want to be done.

So, I am continually being pulled from listening to the L-rd as He confirms His whispers to me time and time again, to listening to the world/friends/parents/etc when they tell me to cut it off with fiance. How do I know what the L-rd meant by adventure? How do I know when to throw in the towel? I don't know what to do!!!!!

I'm getting burned out at work but I have to go in tonight. I desperately want another job but I don't have time to go through the training involved in getting a different job. What do I do? I'm struggling today, I don't want to do school, or work, or anything but sleep.

It is now Rosh Hashanah! (Jewish New Year!) So, shanah tovah! (Good year, it's like Happy New Year) May you be inscribed in the Book of Life and have a good year.

Another thing the L-rd keeps bringing to me is the thought of restoration. I want so badly to be restored and for fiance to be restored. We are both broken and the only way any of us can be fixed is to have the L-rd, the Creator, fix us. That was part of the message in church today too. Surrendering and being restored and allowing ourselves to be continually created by the One who created and continues to create us for His glory. So many days I wish I could go back in time and avoid all of this, but what if this can all be used for beauty? G-d's beauty. I want so badly to have beauty from these ashes, but I don't know how that can ever come about. Between my mistakes and the things that have happened, I don't feel worthy, I feel so dirty and beyond repair. I now understand the grief and cry in so many worship songs where I just didn't before. Songs that talk about us needing to surrender didn't make much sense before, now I get it.