For those of you that don't know, I am currently in the process of orienting to 2 hospitals. 1 hospital, I interviewed for L&D but got told that I would need to work Mom/Baby for awhile. The other hospital was scheduled for an interview the day I got the Mom/Baby offer, and that was for the NICU. Me, being my greedy self of not being able to see myself stay in Mom/Baby with no NICU baby interaction, I decided to propose working part-time at both places to the managers. Well... they accepted that bargain.
The manager for Mom/Baby told me I would work in that department for a year before being able to switch over, I told her that was absolutely too long. She countered with saying it might just be a few months (like 3-6ish months). This didn't sound great, but it sounded do-able with me also keeping my NICU critical care skills up to par.
Well, Tomorrow is finally my last day of charting class, a.k.a. my last orientation piece before going to total floor orientation. I can do floor orientation all the day long! It's the classroom nonsense that'll kill ya... slowly...
Well, I went to talk with my Mom/Baby manager about some scheduling troubles, and she offered me a L&D position, starting at the end of the month!!! OH. MY. GOSH!!! Thing is, it'll be full time instead of part time. My insurance is through the other hospital, and I can't leave the NICU, I just can't. So, am I crazy for thinking I can do 5 days a week between 2 critical care areas? Plus, the on-call shifts taking me up to 6-7 days each week!
I'm sustaining this crazy 6 days a week schedule right now, but I'm working days. I already know that working nights is a much bigger challenge when working so many "days" (shifts) in a row. That messed up circadian rhythm will actually slowly start to kill you.
I just don't know if I can do it. But I sure want to try it for awhile. Worst case scenario is that I go to PRN for NICU and keep full-time with L&D. Plus, I don't have on-call days for L&D until I complete the 3+ months of training required to begin in L&D. So, that helps for a few months to get my feet under me and my schedule ironed out a little bit.
I guess we'll see how it goes when I talk to the Mom/Baby slash L&D manager on Tuesday. She seems pretty excited to get me over to training in the field I actually wanted to be in an originally interviewed for. She actually took a similar road to me and started in Peds/PICU and transferred to L&D, but she worked both jobs at the same time for about a year or so! I think she liked that I was trying to do that and she understands the whole process and desire to do that "double specialty" type of nursing. It's like double majoring in college, except everybody thinks you're insane and you get even less sleep.
Problem is, I've been trying to find a house to rent so I can bring my dog with me. I would also need a roommate (or 2), so that my dog would have a friend while I'm working. She is currently staying with a friend of my mom's, who has another dog. This lady takes my dog for walks with her dog every day. She has a roommate that is home most of the time, except for maybe 3 hours a week (it seems like anyway, he doesn't work I don't think...). So, my dog has friends and another dog to hang out with all the time! Sometimes she even gets to go on a "field trip" to the lady's son's office because he owns his own business and hardly has customers to the office, he mostly goes out to remote locations for quotes and stuff.
So she has a really good set-up, compared to living with a night-shift nurse, who's exceedingly lazy on her days off and doesn't even get to play with her dog because she's too tired. I really feel like the worst puppy mom in the world! But I also feel terrible for leaving her at another person's house because I don't want her to feel abandoned. She gets so excited when we come to visit her! And then she goes into a depression when we leave again!!! It's too much for me to handle.
Times like these, I start to get upset that my parents aren't living together and able to house her and my brother. I get it, they were having lots of problems and it's not economical to afford a house with a backyard, just for the dog. But still, she's my dog. I picked her out, I have cared for her. She's been my best buddy since I was about 10 and I'm now 23 1/2.
I guess I'll talk it over with the lady keeping her, and I'll try to work it out with all of my managers to see what will happen. Mostly, it's a wait-and-see type of situation. The lady keeping my dog says she loves having my dog with her dog and it's not much different than her normal routine to have an extra puppy around. Plus, she appreciates the extra money every month. My current living situation is wonderful and is great while I am working so many crazy hours, and I don't have to do much since I have a roommate that does most everything around his house.
My heart says YES!!! My brain says I could probably make it work, but I'll be beyond exhausted, but I need the experience and my resume will be beyond great! My body says are you insane? I'm barely running as it is, AND WE'RE ON DAYS!!! So, mostly, I'm leaning towards the hard YES!!!!!!!!!!! But I'll talk with my manager Tuesday and discuss it a bit more.
Time to go pray! This will be quite the interesting adventure, should I choose to embark.
Showing posts with label adventure. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adventure. Show all posts
Thursday, August 24, 2017
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Spam Emails
On a very short, completely unrelated note to anything else I normally talk about...
I've been getting a lot of spam emails to an account my exfiance tries to contact me on. What do you think the chances are that he's giving my email out just to fuck with me and make me get a bunch of spam? I don't give out that email anymore.
Some days I wish I would have never met exBF or exfiance. Those fuckers ruined my life, permanently. But you know what? I'm doing my best to rebuild it so that they would never recognize me and they won't be able to find me! I'm living a real-life nightmare.
Never in a million years would I have guessed I would be here, but here I am, doing the best I can with what I've been given. And hey, some would even say I've gone from merely surviving, to learning how to begin thriving.
Y'all keep strong. Life's 100% terminal, though some days that's not helpful.
I've been getting a lot of spam emails to an account my exfiance tries to contact me on. What do you think the chances are that he's giving my email out just to fuck with me and make me get a bunch of spam? I don't give out that email anymore.
Some days I wish I would have never met exBF or exfiance. Those fuckers ruined my life, permanently. But you know what? I'm doing my best to rebuild it so that they would never recognize me and they won't be able to find me! I'm living a real-life nightmare.
Never in a million years would I have guessed I would be here, but here I am, doing the best I can with what I've been given. And hey, some would even say I've gone from merely surviving, to learning how to begin thriving.
Y'all keep strong. Life's 100% terminal, though some days that's not helpful.
Friday, March 18, 2016
Small Victories
I went out tonight, in celebration of St. Patrick's Day! There is a "hole in the wall" Irish Pub over yonder in College Town that I have begun frequenting because it is laid back and they have karaoke. Oh my gosh, so fun! Also so much better than the typical country bars I go to because people are more genuine at this new place. They wear their skater/hipster/preppy/jock/country clothes and just roll with it because they are just chill and there to hang out with friends. At the country bars, it is expected that you wear "country" clothing regardless of whether you've ever mounted a horse, shot a gun, or even driven on a dirt road for more than a quarter mile.
Honestly, from where I'm from, most guys dress the cowboy part but are not even close! They look mighty good in their freshly shined boots, clean little cowboy hat, and snap button shirts. However, they don't know that girls who are looking for a real country boy are looking for mud on the boots, wranglers with grease stains that are stacked at the bottoms, and dust on the hats. They may or may not be in a snap button shirt, depending on whether they are trying to dress up or not. Typically, to go out, true country boys will be in a greasy ball cap and t-shirt with the jeans stacked on top of muddy boots. They are simple things, but those of use who know anything can tell. Also seeing the "cowboys" climb into a prius at the end of the night tends to give them away...
Anywho, this post is about tonight's adventure. I went with Best Friend and a bunch of his work friends to the Irish Pub. He is actually the one to introduce me to the place to begin with! Anyway, I show up alone and go in to find him. Little did I know that his "couple of work friends" meant a solid 10 people! My goodness! Oh well, the more the merrier. He and I talked the most along with one of our other friends from freshman year of college. The three of us went on a lot of adventures back in the day and are still really good at just being able to chill and they let me be one of the guys. So, whatever.
Within about 10 minutes of me being there, after all of the introductions, this one guy starts talking to me. He starts with the normal, "hey, how are you?" kinda questions. I didn't think much of it because he was part of Best Friend's group and I figured he was just trying to be friendly. He ended up giving me one of his green necklaces (even though I was wearing green already) and we continued on. A group of my friends from nursing school showed up and got a table near the one I was already at. So, I floated between the two. Eventually, the guy kept talking with me. He asked me to play skeeball with him, bought me a drink (though I fully expected to pay for my own), and continued to talk with me. Fine, whatever, he's probably just being nice and making conversation.
He ended up giving me his number. At the end of the night, he asked for mine. I was a little tipsy, but with it enough that I recalled what I told myself I would tell guys when they asked... "I don't give out my number at bars." He started guilt tripping me saying he bought me a drink, played skeeball, and all this other stuff. He said he wasn't like other guys and asked for my number again. I said no. He said, "then, can I give you mine?" I told him he already had on a ticket because he wrote it out and put the ticket on my keys. I picked it up and put it in my pocket, not knowing what it was. Best Friend told me later what it was and I decided to keep it just in case. After talking with the guys, I think it's a definite no-go.
Honestly, dude, if you want a girl to go on a date with you and actually get to know you to be able to date, then you shouldn't be so pushy. Believe it or not, we don't like that!
Anyway, he spent the next hour trying to convince me that he was a good guy, that he was thinking I'm pretty, and pulling all the stops to convince me that I should give him a shot. Oh my gosh, I spent the whole hour pointing out the ways his story didn't add up, the ways he was tyring to build himself up but how it didn't work with me, and also discecting his dirty joke and asking why he would tell a "Jewish Church-girl" a dirty joke like the one he had. For the first time in my life, I got to purposely make a guy squirm!!! He was so sure of himself at the beginning, thinking he was making me laugh and thinking he could get me because I look dumb and sweet.
Sorry Honey, but I'm not really sorry that I'm putting you in your place. Don't expect every girl to fall at your feet when you are blatantly flirting with a girl right next to me all night when you don't know what else to say to me! Good heavens, let's use a little bit of brains here, huh?
Regardless, I shut down an "ex-fiance-like" guy... IN PERSON!!! I have done it online or softly over text, but never in person. I usually get scared and don't want to hurt the guy's feelings but hey, they don't care about mine. They just want to get laid and I'm not the one they are going to find that satisfaction from.
So, that is my little victory for the day. I win against some asshole playa guy that thought he was so smooth all night. I ended up showing him I'm not as dumb as I look and that I'm small, but I can stand on my own two feet.
Praise the L-rd for me thinking about how I would respond to a guy in a bar before having to live through it. Also, Praise the L-rd for the slight buzz that allowed me to answer without having to actually think about what I was saying and also allowing me to not be super concerned with hurting the guy's feelings. I know it sounds mean, but he was looking for a one-night-stand. He was not looking to get to know me and to be nice to me and treat me well for the rest of our lives. He's looking for immediate gratification. I'm not falling for it and, unfortunately for him, I got to unleash the anger and sassy remarks I've been saving up for months on him.
I go to bed feeling empowered and hoping I can continue on to have strength to face each day because I'm taking life day-by-day at the moment. Actually, it's day-by-day on god days. Most of the time it's more of a moment-by-moment situation.
Goodnight!
Honestly, from where I'm from, most guys dress the cowboy part but are not even close! They look mighty good in their freshly shined boots, clean little cowboy hat, and snap button shirts. However, they don't know that girls who are looking for a real country boy are looking for mud on the boots, wranglers with grease stains that are stacked at the bottoms, and dust on the hats. They may or may not be in a snap button shirt, depending on whether they are trying to dress up or not. Typically, to go out, true country boys will be in a greasy ball cap and t-shirt with the jeans stacked on top of muddy boots. They are simple things, but those of use who know anything can tell. Also seeing the "cowboys" climb into a prius at the end of the night tends to give them away...
Anywho, this post is about tonight's adventure. I went with Best Friend and a bunch of his work friends to the Irish Pub. He is actually the one to introduce me to the place to begin with! Anyway, I show up alone and go in to find him. Little did I know that his "couple of work friends" meant a solid 10 people! My goodness! Oh well, the more the merrier. He and I talked the most along with one of our other friends from freshman year of college. The three of us went on a lot of adventures back in the day and are still really good at just being able to chill and they let me be one of the guys. So, whatever.
Within about 10 minutes of me being there, after all of the introductions, this one guy starts talking to me. He starts with the normal, "hey, how are you?" kinda questions. I didn't think much of it because he was part of Best Friend's group and I figured he was just trying to be friendly. He ended up giving me one of his green necklaces (even though I was wearing green already) and we continued on. A group of my friends from nursing school showed up and got a table near the one I was already at. So, I floated between the two. Eventually, the guy kept talking with me. He asked me to play skeeball with him, bought me a drink (though I fully expected to pay for my own), and continued to talk with me. Fine, whatever, he's probably just being nice and making conversation.
He ended up giving me his number. At the end of the night, he asked for mine. I was a little tipsy, but with it enough that I recalled what I told myself I would tell guys when they asked... "I don't give out my number at bars." He started guilt tripping me saying he bought me a drink, played skeeball, and all this other stuff. He said he wasn't like other guys and asked for my number again. I said no. He said, "then, can I give you mine?" I told him he already had on a ticket because he wrote it out and put the ticket on my keys. I picked it up and put it in my pocket, not knowing what it was. Best Friend told me later what it was and I decided to keep it just in case. After talking with the guys, I think it's a definite no-go.
Honestly, dude, if you want a girl to go on a date with you and actually get to know you to be able to date, then you shouldn't be so pushy. Believe it or not, we don't like that!
Anyway, he spent the next hour trying to convince me that he was a good guy, that he was thinking I'm pretty, and pulling all the stops to convince me that I should give him a shot. Oh my gosh, I spent the whole hour pointing out the ways his story didn't add up, the ways he was tyring to build himself up but how it didn't work with me, and also discecting his dirty joke and asking why he would tell a "Jewish Church-girl" a dirty joke like the one he had. For the first time in my life, I got to purposely make a guy squirm!!! He was so sure of himself at the beginning, thinking he was making me laugh and thinking he could get me because I look dumb and sweet.
Sorry Honey, but I'm not really sorry that I'm putting you in your place. Don't expect every girl to fall at your feet when you are blatantly flirting with a girl right next to me all night when you don't know what else to say to me! Good heavens, let's use a little bit of brains here, huh?
Regardless, I shut down an "ex-fiance-like" guy... IN PERSON!!! I have done it online or softly over text, but never in person. I usually get scared and don't want to hurt the guy's feelings but hey, they don't care about mine. They just want to get laid and I'm not the one they are going to find that satisfaction from.
So, that is my little victory for the day. I win against some asshole playa guy that thought he was so smooth all night. I ended up showing him I'm not as dumb as I look and that I'm small, but I can stand on my own two feet.
Praise the L-rd for me thinking about how I would respond to a guy in a bar before having to live through it. Also, Praise the L-rd for the slight buzz that allowed me to answer without having to actually think about what I was saying and also allowing me to not be super concerned with hurting the guy's feelings. I know it sounds mean, but he was looking for a one-night-stand. He was not looking to get to know me and to be nice to me and treat me well for the rest of our lives. He's looking for immediate gratification. I'm not falling for it and, unfortunately for him, I got to unleash the anger and sassy remarks I've been saving up for months on him.
I go to bed feeling empowered and hoping I can continue on to have strength to face each day because I'm taking life day-by-day at the moment. Actually, it's day-by-day on god days. Most of the time it's more of a moment-by-moment situation.
Goodnight!
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Life of Adventure
When praying about fiance at the beginning of our relationship, the L-rd whispered to my heart we would have adventures, he would give me a life of adventure. This prayer occurred shortly after engagement which was a mere couple of months into our relationship.
This whisper was not a lie. We have had so many ups and downs I wonder most days if I am going crazy or not.
He came home early from work a couple weeks ago on the premise that he thought I was having problems and he wanted to help "fix" us and me. I have repeatedly told him that fixing people is G-d's job and I cannot be fixed in a conversation or two. He disagrees but we've been working through my Country Boy and exboyfriend stuff all summer and I feel like I've made very little progress. Mostly, I just need downtime to heal and start to make my life mine again. I don't feel like I have any control over anything anymore. Granted, how much do any of us control anything that happens to us? Is it not all in G-d's hands? So, I am learning to let go.
Today in church we talked about living a life of adventure. We learned about how the pastor and the church elders/employees feel that G-d is about to move in powerful ways and we are supposed to surrender and let the L-rd have at it. I completely agree, G-d is in control and it is silly for us to try to plan or control anything because everything happens on His time frame, not ours.
If you recall, I had tons of plans for the past two years to go work with Mema in her NICU because I was already offered a job there. She was going to let me pay low rent in exchange for help around the house and we could help each other out with job stuff and whatnot. Those plans went up in smoke this summer. I no longer have any idea of where I will work after graduation, where I will live, what state I will end up in, or even if I will work in the NICU.
If I cannot have kids, I do not want to work with babies (NICU/L&D) because I know I will get burnt out, cynical, and way depressed if I work with babies when I cannot have any. Lately, I have not even wanted to have children or be married because I don't want to drag other children into this world to go through terrible things. I have experienced some rough stuff, but so many other people go through so much more. I cannot bear witness to my children going through such hard life circumstances. I cannot even live through them myself.
I came to this conclusion after watching my mom struggle with my life choices and consequences and happenings the past few months. From her finding out about suicide attempts and self harm at the beginning of the summer, to her watching me go through rape stuff, she is having a hard time with my issues almost worse than I am. I don't want to go through that or watch my kids go through that. So, what do I do to fix such a potential situation? I simply avoid having children. Bam, no issue. If fiance and I do not happen to make it, I'm not saying we will or won't, but I will not try for another relationship. If I stay alone then I don't have to worry about having another person to care for and be concerned about, I will simply have to worry about myself and my work. Yes, it may be a lonely life, but honestly, I've gone through enough for a lifetime or two, I don't need to have anything else happen. I just wanted an easy, simple, pure life. That was stolen in a matter of months and I no longer strive to go for the dreams I had at the beginning of this past April. I just want to be done.
So, I am continually being pulled from listening to the L-rd as He confirms His whispers to me time and time again, to listening to the world/friends/parents/etc when they tell me to cut it off with fiance. How do I know what the L-rd meant by adventure? How do I know when to throw in the towel? I don't know what to do!!!!!
I'm getting burned out at work but I have to go in tonight. I desperately want another job but I don't have time to go through the training involved in getting a different job. What do I do? I'm struggling today, I don't want to do school, or work, or anything but sleep.
It is now Rosh Hashanah! (Jewish New Year!) So, shanah tovah! (Good year, it's like Happy New Year) May you be inscribed in the Book of Life and have a good year.
Another thing the L-rd keeps bringing to me is the thought of restoration. I want so badly to be restored and for fiance to be restored. We are both broken and the only way any of us can be fixed is to have the L-rd, the Creator, fix us. That was part of the message in church today too. Surrendering and being restored and allowing ourselves to be continually created by the One who created and continues to create us for His glory. So many days I wish I could go back in time and avoid all of this, but what if this can all be used for beauty? G-d's beauty. I want so badly to have beauty from these ashes, but I don't know how that can ever come about. Between my mistakes and the things that have happened, I don't feel worthy, I feel so dirty and beyond repair. I now understand the grief and cry in so many worship songs where I just didn't before. Songs that talk about us needing to surrender didn't make much sense before, now I get it.
This whisper was not a lie. We have had so many ups and downs I wonder most days if I am going crazy or not.
He came home early from work a couple weeks ago on the premise that he thought I was having problems and he wanted to help "fix" us and me. I have repeatedly told him that fixing people is G-d's job and I cannot be fixed in a conversation or two. He disagrees but we've been working through my Country Boy and exboyfriend stuff all summer and I feel like I've made very little progress. Mostly, I just need downtime to heal and start to make my life mine again. I don't feel like I have any control over anything anymore. Granted, how much do any of us control anything that happens to us? Is it not all in G-d's hands? So, I am learning to let go.
Today in church we talked about living a life of adventure. We learned about how the pastor and the church elders/employees feel that G-d is about to move in powerful ways and we are supposed to surrender and let the L-rd have at it. I completely agree, G-d is in control and it is silly for us to try to plan or control anything because everything happens on His time frame, not ours.
If you recall, I had tons of plans for the past two years to go work with Mema in her NICU because I was already offered a job there. She was going to let me pay low rent in exchange for help around the house and we could help each other out with job stuff and whatnot. Those plans went up in smoke this summer. I no longer have any idea of where I will work after graduation, where I will live, what state I will end up in, or even if I will work in the NICU.
If I cannot have kids, I do not want to work with babies (NICU/L&D) because I know I will get burnt out, cynical, and way depressed if I work with babies when I cannot have any. Lately, I have not even wanted to have children or be married because I don't want to drag other children into this world to go through terrible things. I have experienced some rough stuff, but so many other people go through so much more. I cannot bear witness to my children going through such hard life circumstances. I cannot even live through them myself.
I came to this conclusion after watching my mom struggle with my life choices and consequences and happenings the past few months. From her finding out about suicide attempts and self harm at the beginning of the summer, to her watching me go through rape stuff, she is having a hard time with my issues almost worse than I am. I don't want to go through that or watch my kids go through that. So, what do I do to fix such a potential situation? I simply avoid having children. Bam, no issue. If fiance and I do not happen to make it, I'm not saying we will or won't, but I will not try for another relationship. If I stay alone then I don't have to worry about having another person to care for and be concerned about, I will simply have to worry about myself and my work. Yes, it may be a lonely life, but honestly, I've gone through enough for a lifetime or two, I don't need to have anything else happen. I just wanted an easy, simple, pure life. That was stolen in a matter of months and I no longer strive to go for the dreams I had at the beginning of this past April. I just want to be done.
So, I am continually being pulled from listening to the L-rd as He confirms His whispers to me time and time again, to listening to the world/friends/parents/etc when they tell me to cut it off with fiance. How do I know what the L-rd meant by adventure? How do I know when to throw in the towel? I don't know what to do!!!!!
I'm getting burned out at work but I have to go in tonight. I desperately want another job but I don't have time to go through the training involved in getting a different job. What do I do? I'm struggling today, I don't want to do school, or work, or anything but sleep.
It is now Rosh Hashanah! (Jewish New Year!) So, shanah tovah! (Good year, it's like Happy New Year) May you be inscribed in the Book of Life and have a good year.
Another thing the L-rd keeps bringing to me is the thought of restoration. I want so badly to be restored and for fiance to be restored. We are both broken and the only way any of us can be fixed is to have the L-rd, the Creator, fix us. That was part of the message in church today too. Surrendering and being restored and allowing ourselves to be continually created by the One who created and continues to create us for His glory. So many days I wish I could go back in time and avoid all of this, but what if this can all be used for beauty? G-d's beauty. I want so badly to have beauty from these ashes, but I don't know how that can ever come about. Between my mistakes and the things that have happened, I don't feel worthy, I feel so dirty and beyond repair. I now understand the grief and cry in so many worship songs where I just didn't before. Songs that talk about us needing to surrender didn't make much sense before, now I get it.
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