Counseling Homework: Journal

*****Fowl language present in this post. Proceed with caution***** 

My homework for this week is to journal each night before bed. Last night's theme: anger. Anger at "friends," anger that exfiance tried to contact me just once I start getting free from his evil grasp on my life, and angry that this is my life.

I'm angry. I'm sad. Mostly, I'm numb between the overwhelming rage at seemingly everything in my life and the bouts of sadness that pepper each day.

So, my homework is to journal. I didn't even tell my counselor about my anger issues because one hour is simply not enough time to be able to process everything I need to process. It barely even scratches the surface because I have way too much noise in my head.

I guess we're going to start working on my self-esteem. I shared my needs and wants list with her, and I suppose the common thread through the need list was basic survival stuff. My wants seem to need a foundation of self-esteem before anything else can happen, I guess. So, that is a next step.


I talked with counselor about reporting the guys. When it comes to this, I get very confused. When I told her I didn't want to report them, we discussed what happens if I don't report them: they don't realize they've done wrong or they knew they did wrong and they continue to believe they can get away with it, they could do this to other girls, etc, etc, etc.

So, I did some soul searching and finally find it in my conscience the desire to report these assholes and hope, best case scenario, that they go to prison or get some kind of legal punishment and record for these wrongs. When I mentioned my desire to report them, I let her know I had been reading about the process and other victim's stories online about the reporting process. Now I feel deflated because I don't think I'm strong enough to go through with the re-victimization that the reporting process can cause.

She, having worked with these cases many times before, let me in on what to expect and the prognosis is not good. With the first one, at least I went and got a SANE exam. After the second guy, I wanted to go get an exam so badly, but he talked me into staying with him and he questioned me if I was going to go get one. He has questioned me about getting a SANE exam several times since then and he uses guilt trips and fear to keep me from ever getting them. Between that and the costs associated with them if you aren't going to report (and I wasn't ready to report them at the time so no compensation would have been given), I had no ability to get the exam done. At least 10-12 of the 14 times he claims we "had sex" could have been used for a SANE exam, but his clutch on me was so intense that he even made me feel guilty for hurting his feelings when I went and got the Plan B pill just to cover my tail that way. He said it was terrible for me to be buying that pill because it meant I didn't believe or trust him. No shit Fucker, I don't believe that you "pull out" and that that is an efficient means of pregnancy prevention because you told me you wanted to get me pregnant!!! SEVERAL FUCKING TIMES!!!

I actually think he was mad at me taking the EC (emergency contraception) because it meant he was not in control of me becoming pregnant. He thought he had control of my mind, my emotions, and my body, but I wouldn't give him total control of "us" (essentially him via my uterus) bringing another life into this world as a result of continued abuse. This thought is a brand new epiphany I got while writing this. Ugh, the weight of what he's done gets heavier. As it gets heavier, the more I realize that everything that could be used as proof, he said over the phone or in person and he can refute all of these points. I have no texts or way to prove that he did this, said this, told me this, yelled at me for hours upon hours, and manipulated me in order to try to make me believe all of these things were my idea and not him manipulating me.

He had to have been planning for the eventuality that this would go to court and he wanted no proof that could be used against him. I think he plans this and has a specific method of action so that he can do this over and over again. That has to be what is going on here because he took measures to make sure that only small talk was done over text but yelling, fights, and difficult subjects where I was trying to stand up for myself as he bulldozed me was all done over the phone or in person. He was planning for no evidence so that he could talk his way out of another felony like he's done for all of his other fucking charges. Granted, these are just speculations, but I've racked my brain and this is just now coming to me.

The idea that he planned this and made sure there was no evidence makes so much sense! He's told me tons of stories where he has the "evidence" of a girl saying "yes" to sex with him but when she wakes up in the morning and calls the cops saying he raped her, then he shows the cop a video of her saying "yes" and they tell her that she is just being dramatic! Nobody knows if she was able to consent and was in a sober state-of-mind, and as far as I know the cop doesn't ask her about that. The only thing he ever told me is that about a dozen girls have told him they raped them, and he comes back with a video of her saying it's "okay" if they have sex.

One day we were talking about the day I woke up naked next to him in that shitty motel, not remembering anything that had happened because he had brought me so much alcohol that I blacked out, he told me he should have gotten me on video consenting. He also told me a few days after that that he felt like he had raped me but later denied ever saying this. Then he said that saying he "felt like he raped me" was a joke that he played because that was the day he picked that 4 hour long fight as he drove me to the proposal in the cabin.

Puzzle pieces are starting to fit together and the memories are coming back.

This is going to be hard. I've been able to block out so much of exboyfriend and exfiance for so long, now I have to begin thinking about this stuff so that I can remember what happened in order to be able to report it to police and brainstorm ways to get these fucking assholes behind bars.

Exfiance was laying the ground work to hurt people, and me, since before I ever met him. How many other girls has he done this to? How many more times will he get away with his evil schemes and how many more lives will he ruin?



I was asked why I want to report them now?

There are a lot of answers to this: I wasn't strong enough to see that I had done everything I needed to do in order to try to stop their actions against me (said no, physically trying to push them away, trying to avoid them, attempting to break up with them, trying to bring other people around when they wanted to hang out, etc); I want to get their actions on file even if there isn't enough evidence to convict them at this time; if other girls come forward, I want to know that I helped get those other girls justice, even if reporting them does nothing for me; I'm beginning to understand what happened to me; I'm not reporting them out of vengeance, I'm trying to consider the safety and life quality of the others they may come into contact with, nobody should have to deal with life the way I'm having to deal with it. Yes, it has taken me months, almost a year, to report them. However, it's taken me this long to get out of a numb state-of-mind so that I could start remembering the details and start realizing that what they've done is one of the worst crimes they can do against another living creature.


I've learned that many victims find reporting their abusers even more traumatizing than the actual assaults were originally. That is absolute bullshit. There is also like less than one person convicted of rape out of every 100 rapes reported. Some of those are fake reports of girls trying to get back at their boyfriends, but so many are unable to be prosecuted in any way because rapes come down to he said, she said.

I think this is because victims are in shock for so long, they don't understand what happened to them. By the time they come to and realize that what happened was against the law, it's often too late for a SANE exam, especially if evidence is needed to prove the rape was done by who the victim claims it was. Many people don't even know you need to go get a SANE exam if you are sexually assaulted/raped. I am in nursing school and have worked in hospitals for years and hadn't ever heard of a specific specialty in nursing for sexual assault cases. When I first heard the term "SANE exam" I thought it was a psych consult to see if I was telling the truth or crazy and reporting something that didn't actually happen. Our society is so backwards and uninformed about sexual assault and rape, most victims don't know and have no mental capacity (due to the shock) to be able to know that there are steps they need to take after something so traumatizing.



So, as far as reporting goes, I was asked to think about it for awhile longer. I was advised to wait until I'm stronger and not going through so much school stress. That poses a problem because I want to move away after I graduate and leave the state. How am I going to report these crimes if I'm in a different state?

Why is life so fucking hard?

Why are there not more intense bad words to fully express myself adequately? Maybe there are no words to be able to describe some things people go through because some things are so heinous and some emotions are so powerful and raw that words don't even come close to being sufficient.