New to the NICU

I have been with the same preceptor for several weeks now, but I requested a change so that I would be able to see how the other nurses go about organizing their day and also so I could get some chances to work with the vent babies and see all that I could while I'm still on orientation.

So, I got put with a different nurse on Tuesday, after rocking it with my original preceptor on Monday. Guys, on Tuesday the original lady said she missed me because I was starting to do so well! She also mentioned she missed me because she was having to do actual work that day... Not certain if that tells you anything about preceptor-ship or not but my teachers keep disappearing throughout the days they have me...

Any who, I ran a little bit late on Tuesday, the times that I waited for my lady to come help, but when I got to do what I knew I needed to do, I did just fine! She came and found me finishing up my second assessment (on time, mind you) and she helped me by making milk for the next shift while I charted! She told me she was going to be my assistant for the day and let me try to be the nurse and hey, I did it! We even got in a bath for one kid and put the other one on a nasal cannula instead of a CPAP device. Well, she changed over the CPAP to cannula with a respiratory therapist while I started on the first baby. The vent babies now scare me a little less, and I think I can hopefully start to care for two babies pretty consistently now. I know I kept their beeping down to a minimum because I actually stayed with the kids all day instead of remaining in the nurses station where the beeping gets insanely loud with all the babies going off at the same time.

What have I learned? I learned to do what I need to do without waiting for my preceptor. If they are nowhere to be found and I can start on some kind of task, then I just need to go ahead and do that. I learned this in nursing school too. I avoided my instructors all the day long! and had much easier days than the students who went to the instructor instead of their primary nurses. Hahaha, don't learn from me kids, I just need a lot more independence to learn than many of my friends seemed to choose. Keeping away from my preceptors and instructors ensure for me that they are not meddling in my work. If I know what I need to do, I can take their advice after I'm done (as long as it is safe for me to do so, I ask questions when I'm not sure and scared about hurting somebody, don't get me wrong). However, for routine things not involving needles, IVs, transporting, changing machines, or other safety issues, I do what I know I need to do without waiting for them because I'd still be waiting there for help, and it's been four days.

I've certainly had my days of feeling completely worthless. Even now, I miss a lot of things, but going from a very "on the ball" nurse to one who is great at teaching and letting me fix my own mistakes with no ridicule, I'm glad I asked for a change. Yes, I was just starting to get to the point where I knew my original preceptor and could anticipate all that she wanted me to do. But every once in a while, she would remember something I miss that I never learned and I would get in trouble for not knowing to do it. With my new nurse, I learned about vents, changing from CPAP for a nasal cannula for a baby, and also how to care for micro premies. She is more gracious when I get behind and has a "go-with-the-flow" attitude that reminds me a lot of my mom. She lets me figure out what I missed on my own and while I attempt to be more strict on myself and I try to imitate my original preceptors nursing ability much more closely, I connect and learn better from my preceptor now who lets me try to figure it out on my own and doesn't make me feel bad for missing things.

Looming Deadlines...

It's nearly 11 p.m. here and I'm supposed to be getting up at 5 a.m. for work tomorrow...

I can't sleep because I've been trying to take NCLEX practice tests and start studying because I'm scheduled to take my NCLEX on Friday.

It occurred to me today, while at my "cousin's" kid's 1st birthday party, that I'm taking the NCLEX this week. Then I started thinking about how little I've studied because of work, moving, exhaustion, depression flare-ups, and general PTSD bullshit coming back. C'est la vie, non?

Anyway, I also started considering pushing it back another week or two to give myself some legit time to study. I don't know what to do. Do I just get it over with and hope that the 54% average on practice tests gets me on the passing side of the NCLEX scale? Or, do I try to attempt another shot at studying more?

They say that by passing nursing school, you should have most/all of the info needed to pass this damn test, but being on this end of taking the silly thing, I'm not sure how much I believe that. 54% is a pretty abysmal score to get on anything, let alone a $200 test. I guess I'll see how the rest of the week goes and if I need to, I'll change the date by Wednesday so that I don't lose said $200...

Goodnight y'all

Oh the beach!

Y'all, I just got back last night from a 2 week vacation and it was amazing! Sorry about the extended radio silence. A week at the beach and a week (split into two little pieces) of visiting with my family that lives in the south. Oh man, they are funny and boy can they cook.

We drove home to Home State and got in at about 0400 time there. I could have been dropped off at my new home, but I wanted to go back to get my dog. So, mom let me come to Home State, pick up the puppy (she's about 9 now) and then mom drove puppy and I back to Small Town yesterday. Actually, I drove but she was there. She just left here for Home State about an hour ago. I miss her terribly already...

Paperwork finally went through and I got to register for my NCLEX! *screams silently in head* I'm terrified. This is scary!!! What if I fail? Then I have to pay to take it again and my nursing permit will be revoked so I will be out of work until I pass it. Oh goodness, how could I handle that? How could I handle another thing wrong, I still feel like I'm on a constant teeter-totter and could fall into a pit that I'll never be able to get out of. I feel like I could drown at any moment and just not take another breath because of sheer exhaustion of surviving. Anyway, since the paperwork is in and I registered for the NCLEX, it'll take up to 10 business days from the day they processed it for me to get my permit so I can start working. Hopefully it happens sooner than that because I'd really like to begin working. Mema says they have babies again which is good for me but scary for the poor parents. It's one of those double-edged swords that makes nursing difficult.

So, it's just me a Puppy figuring out how to live in Small Town and getting our schedules back in order. Praise the L-rd for His timing and His provisions. I'm just barely making it, with loans from my parents and my one credit card nearly maxed out (and hardly any money in the bank). Money is tighter right now than it was when I was in college! Ah well, I'm hoping everything will get settled here shortly.

So Beyond Frustrated

In this, the modern day where people can communicate across the world via email in a matter of seconds, New State decided that it still wants to operate in the Stone Ages.

About a month ago, I completed all steps on New State's board of nursing website in order to be able to get my attestation to test (go-ahead to schedule my NCLEX) and the one bit I had to have the school send, I talked to the lady and had her send it.

Fast forward to two weeks ago...

I received my copy of the school's paper (it's a form from the university letting the board of nursing know that I have, in fact, graduated the accredited nursing program) which was sent to me the same time it was sent to the board of nursing. I got it a couple days later and figured the board of nursing probably received it at about that time as well. The website says I have to wait 10 business days for it to be processed.

Fast forward to last friday...

I called the board of nursing and waited on hold for an hour!!! This wait simply allowed me to talk to a girl telling me to wait a couple more days until the 10 days had happened because they "probably received it, but haven't put it in the system yet". Okay, fine.

Fast forward to this Tuesday...

I checked online, as I had for the past two weeks, but still nothing had come through. Okay, maybe day #10 was too soon, I'll wait another day.

Wednesday...

Nothing.

Jump to today (Thursday)...

I called three times and was hung up on by the automated answering service because the call lines were "too busy at this time." What?! That's ridiculous! Why are there not more people employed here? I have to talk to somebody and figure this out. I've got a job that is waiting on me, no money, bills to pay. Now I have credit card debt, and no income because I'm waiting on the damn state to process a piece of paper...

I called a fourth time and it finally went through. Waited 20 minutes on hold while looking on the website for another number, any number, to get me through to a different phone line.



That's when I found it. I found a number to a specific person's phone line and when I called, he picked up right away! After about a 5 minute explanation of my current situation, mentioning the fact I had waited about 15 business days when the website says only 10, and I have a job waiting, the gentleman gave me about 10 excuses. One of them being that the department that processes graduates is currently "understaffed" and only 1-2 people working there on any given day. I remained kind and calm but in my head I was wondering why on earth they don't hire more people for that damn job. I get that 1-2 people are processing ALL of the paperwork for ALL of the applications that come through their state, but they know that graduations happen at least 2 times a year. You guys know this, why are you not banning vacations and hiring more people for these seasons so that the massive influx in paperwork doesn't make you get backed up all damn year? And why, oh why, are we still processing papers instead of emails??? Guys, we can make this easier for everybody if you'd just change things up a little bit and think things through better. Good heavens!

Whatever, he continued on (without me saying a word) and told me that he was sorry for the wait and that he would take my name, number, and a description of the problem down to that department and have them get in touch with me.

An hour later I received a call, from a girl down in the processing department, telling me that she couldn't find the letter/envelope/MY PAPERWORK.

Oh my gosh, I'm gonna lose it. I've been waiting for 3 fucking weeks and somewhere along this medieval process, I'm the one that got lost. Why when I have all my ducks in a row, I bust my butt to have everything on my end complete and I have a job waiting on me, does the process breakdown and cause me a boatload of extra stress that's completely unnecessary. I'm one of 2 people, out of about 60 nursing students who graduated in my class, who has not scheduled or been approved to take the NCLEX. The other girl is waiting, on purpose, because she doesn't have the money at this particular time. The other students don't all have jobs yet, but they've already taken and passed their NCLEX. Why did my form get lost? Why am I having to wait???

And what makes it even better, I emailed the only lady at my school that is able to send of that paper and she is on vacation until the 28th of June (about 4-5 days away). So, it'll take at least a week, probably more because she has a lot of emails backing up while she's gone, before she even gets my email. Then another few days to get the form situated and sent via snail mail. From then it'll take about a week to get to New State's board of nursing where I get to wait another 10+ business days for it to be processed.

At that rate, I'll be jobless for another month. I have no money. My parent's don't have $2000 to lend me for my July bills and I don't know what the hell to do. The board won't accept the copy that came to me from the school because their copy has to come "straight from the school." It can't be faxed or emailed because the board of nursing requires that the form be embossed with the nursing school's stamp in raised stampage form.

I'm so irritated. I don't know what to do or how to fix this because everything is literally out of my control. All I can do is wait on other people who seem to be taking their sweet time. I told the board and the lady at my school that I already have a job and I'm only waiting on them but that doesn't seem to help. Hell, at this rate I will fly back to Home State, pick up the sealed envelope myself, fly back down to New State and hand deliver the damn thing and watch them put it in the system that very moment JUST SO I CAN START WORKING! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

You may be thinking, "Bedpan Alley, maybe G-d is working this out for a particular reason! Maybe He is working on your patience! Maybe He is trying to get you to trust Him to provide and He does everything in His own time for His glory!!!" Yes, dear reader, I understand all of these things. Someday soon, I pray that I will get to update you all with excellent news saying that everything is situated and I get to start working. For the time being, I'm frustrated and angry that I was the one to fall through the cracks. I'm losing my mind from the stress of not being able to work for 1) I'm so excited to begin my job taking care of babies, 2) to have something to do with my time, 3) socialization, 4) money to pay my bills, and 5) to have something to do with my time!!! I don't handle extended periods of down-time well and I haven't worked since Christmas of 2015. Guys, it's June of 2016, and almost July. That's nearly 7 months without work and at least 2 months without even having school.

Guys, pray with me for a miracle here. I need it.

Life Lessons Learned

I was reading my devotions and praying the other night, when the L-rd gave me an epiphany: closed doors, missed chances, failed relationships, opportunities that go awry, and all the other things that don't go our way in life are actually the L-rd guiding us. Through these things, He also shows us how bad a situation could be so that we learn from that, then He typically gives us what He had planned for us all along. By letting us see the bad before giving us good, He lets us understand why we need to be grateful for all that happens to us.

Growing up, I shared a bedroom with my brother until I had finished 4th grade and he had finished 3rd in a very small, 2-bedroom apartment. My mom used to pray with us on the way to school each day and ask the L-rd that He would keep our family from becoming complacent and taking our blessings for granted. We lived in an apartment while both of my parents worked several jobs so that they could send us to a Christian school and pay our tuition. We ended up moving into a house where my brother and I got our own rooms and then we had to go to a public school. That made me appreciate the house much more and being blessed to be able to go to a Christian school for several years. Thank you L-rd for these things!

At the beginning of this last summer, my old roommate told me she didn't want to live with me, but gave me no explanation and didn't talk to me while I was in another state with Mema. So, I scrambled, looking for an apartment on short notice. I was used to paying about $700-$750 a month for my rent and bills. I texted my current roommate and she offered to let me live with her and she told me she was freaking out about finding someone but that I texted and asked about it at the exact perfect time. After praying about wanting to pay about $500, she asked how much I was willing to pay. I told her about $700 was typical for me so I could do the $700. She came back and said she could only afford $500 and her parents were okay with both of us paying that little while they picked up the rest of the bills! Oh my gosh! So, even though I had a huge falling out with ex-roommate and her family, the L-rd blessed me and showed me that they are not company that I should have been keeping anyway. This falling out happened just after I broke up with EXboyfriend because he had raped me... so it's way better this way. That is only visible in hindsight though, I was devastated at the time!

I had a NICU job opportunity as a CNA awhile ago and my initial plans didn't match up with their needs so they passed on me, but then my plans changed to something that would have totally worked out for them. However, it was too late by that point. Shortly after that, I got my job as a CNA in the float pool. G-d allowed me to see real-life what we were learning about in class each time I went to work and allowed me to get better grades and a better understanding by these hands-on experiences. I also got to meet so many nurses on each floor and I feel like the most popular person when I show up to work because I have so many people stopping me and saying high to me at school, clinicals, and at work because of this job. I love it!

My relationships ending have shown me that I am worth much more than what I typically settle for with people. I pray that the L-rd has someone for me who is sweet, patient, forgiving, able to be a voice of reason for me, and able to handle my many hypomanic and depressive cycles... That's the true test. He needs to be accepted by my family and friends and not push my boundaries like every guy has tried to before.

Here's to hoping for and expecting the L-rd to work absolutely incredible miracles in my life after I ran myself deep into the ground with too many mistakes to count and too much brokenness to measure. Here's to thanking the L-rd for Divine Interventions in my life, even when things seem to be going well, because He can see past people's fake facades and their attempts at manipulating me. Praise the L-rd for keeping me!

What are you grateful for? What things in your life have not ended up how you wanted/expected, only for the L-rd to show you something so much better? What are you asking Him for today? More importantly, what are you thanking Him for?

Life of Adventure

When praying about fiance at the beginning of our relationship, the L-rd whispered to my heart we would have adventures, he would give me a life of adventure. This prayer occurred shortly after engagement which was a mere couple of months into our relationship.

This whisper was not a lie. We have had so many ups and downs I wonder most days if I am going crazy or not.

He came home early from work a couple weeks ago on the premise that he thought I was having problems and he wanted to help "fix" us and me. I have repeatedly told him that fixing people is G-d's job and I cannot be fixed in a conversation or two. He disagrees but we've been working through my Country Boy and exboyfriend stuff all summer and I feel like I've made very little progress. Mostly, I just need downtime to heal and start to make my life mine again. I don't feel like I have any control over anything anymore. Granted, how much do any of us control anything that happens to us? Is it not all in G-d's hands? So, I am learning to let go.

Today in church we talked about living a life of adventure. We learned about how the pastor and the church elders/employees feel that G-d is about to move in powerful ways and we are supposed to surrender and let the L-rd have at it. I completely agree, G-d is in control and it is silly for us to try to plan or control anything because everything happens on His time frame, not ours.

If you recall, I had tons of plans for the past two years to go work with Mema in her NICU because I was already offered a job there. She was going to let me pay low rent in exchange for help around the house and we could help each other out with job stuff and whatnot. Those plans went up in smoke this summer. I no longer have any idea of where I will work after graduation, where I will live, what state I will end up in, or even if I will work in the NICU.

If I cannot have kids, I do not want to work with babies (NICU/L&D) because I know I will get burnt out, cynical, and way depressed if I work with babies when I cannot have any. Lately, I have not even wanted to have children or be married because I don't want to drag other children into this world to go through terrible things. I have experienced some rough stuff, but so many other people go through so much more. I cannot bear witness to my children going through such hard life circumstances. I cannot even live through them myself.

I came to this conclusion after watching my mom struggle with my life choices and consequences and happenings the past few months. From her finding out about suicide attempts and self harm at the beginning of the summer, to her watching me go through rape stuff, she is having a hard time with my issues almost worse than I am. I don't want to go through that or watch my kids go through that. So, what do I do to fix such a potential situation? I simply avoid having children. Bam, no issue. If fiance and I do not happen to make it, I'm not saying we will or won't, but I will not try for another relationship. If I stay alone then I don't have to worry about having another person to care for and be concerned about, I will simply have to worry about myself and my work. Yes, it may be a lonely life, but honestly, I've gone through enough for a lifetime or two, I don't need to have anything else happen. I just wanted an easy, simple, pure life. That was stolen in a matter of months and I no longer strive to go for the dreams I had at the beginning of this past April. I just want to be done.

So, I am continually being pulled from listening to the L-rd as He confirms His whispers to me time and time again, to listening to the world/friends/parents/etc when they tell me to cut it off with fiance. How do I know what the L-rd meant by adventure? How do I know when to throw in the towel? I don't know what to do!!!!!

I'm getting burned out at work but I have to go in tonight. I desperately want another job but I don't have time to go through the training involved in getting a different job. What do I do? I'm struggling today, I don't want to do school, or work, or anything but sleep.

It is now Rosh Hashanah! (Jewish New Year!) So, shanah tovah! (Good year, it's like Happy New Year) May you be inscribed in the Book of Life and have a good year.

Another thing the L-rd keeps bringing to me is the thought of restoration. I want so badly to be restored and for fiance to be restored. We are both broken and the only way any of us can be fixed is to have the L-rd, the Creator, fix us. That was part of the message in church today too. Surrendering and being restored and allowing ourselves to be continually created by the One who created and continues to create us for His glory. So many days I wish I could go back in time and avoid all of this, but what if this can all be used for beauty? G-d's beauty. I want so badly to have beauty from these ashes, but I don't know how that can ever come about. Between my mistakes and the things that have happened, I don't feel worthy, I feel so dirty and beyond repair. I now understand the grief and cry in so many worship songs where I just didn't before. Songs that talk about us needing to surrender didn't make much sense before, now I get it.

Update from the last 5 minutes of my life...

I got called off for work tonight!!! Praise the L-rd! I do not have to work again until school starts back up meaning that I have two glorious weeks completely free of any obligation to school or work. This, my friends, is beautiful!

Maybe I'll have some time with that new fella...

I'm Back

It seems as though I've been neglecting this blog for quite sometime now! For some reason, it almost feels like I haven't been on in a few years, but it's only been a month at most.

Well, my life has been hectic. School let out the week before Christmas. So, I went from finals week, straight into an insane amount of work. I worked Christmas Eve night, then a double on Christmas, and finished it out with a "float" shift the next day. I was run ragged all three days, but I made close to $500 in just those 4 shifts because of overtime and holiday pay. Then, I kept booking myself for doubles on Sundays and I have my IT job every Monday and Tuesday of break. Needless to say, I am tired and ready for life to slow down. Will it? Not likely. However, I gave my last two IT shifts away and today is the last day I had signed up for my CNA job so I will be off all next week!

Did anyone else work on Christmas? Was it crazy? Mine was. Praise the L-rd I don't celebrate Christmas anymore because I would have been even grumpier than I already was. My day started out behind because one of the overnight people called in to QUIT when she was already 30 minutes late for her shift on Christmas Eve. So the next day, nobody was up or dressed because the girl they got to cover, refused to change or dress anyone. Thanks. As we were still rushing around to get people ready after breakfast had come and gone, the power went out. Super! Thankfully, it came on about 20 minutes later and didn't stay off for the 5 hours it had last time it went out. That was a really bad day. Nonetheless, we worked through it. Families were calling in from 6 a.m. on asking for their loved one to be dressed a certain way and ready by a certain time. Did the residents agree to this? Of course not. Did the families come at the expected times? Never. It was a minor dilemma though because most family members were in such a good mood due to the fact it was Christmas that they got their loved ones dressed themselves. That's the good thing about family coming in, the resident won't cooperate for us, but they will do anything for a familiar face. By the time my second shift rolled around, half of our patients were out with families and the other half were in food comas scattered about the common area. We got them into bed, my partner was super chill and allowed us to go slow and take our time instead of rushing everywhere to get the people to sleep and my day ended better than expected.

IT was so slow the first two weeks of school that I cleaned almost every class room that has computers in them. Then, this week, we got our new shipment of computers in. They are cool and extremely heavy. So heavy, in fact, that I hurt my back and could hardly walk. It was an injury that started at my CNA job and was exacerbated by IT. Worker's comp and injuries on the job are a HUGE hassle and I had no idea they got so complicated when working two jobs back-to-back. I'll fill you in more when I go talk to my manager today.

This next semester is exciting though! I start clinicals and have Health Promotion as well as Developmental Psych and Sociology (online). We will see how this goes! I love psychology and I'm excited to have two classes not entirely centered around nursing. Let me tell you, it's nice to meet people with different majors than nursing, especially when you are surrounded by the same 40 nursing students for 4 months straight. Maybe I'll meet some new friends! I desperatly need more in my life than nursing because I may start to get burnt out soon and I'm not even an RN yet. How sad would that be?

Call-offs

Today we had a no-call, no show. Guess who it was! Ya, it was the girl that was supposed to be my partner. Praise the L-rd that the night shift girl had all pts up, except for 4-5 that I helped get up. I also got to work with one of the nicest, fastest girls that we have, so that made the day better.

For all of you, whether you are in the medical field or not, do you have people that insist on treating you like you have no clue of what's going on? I understand when people are giving me advice, tips, and letting me know what I missed. However, there are always nurses that talk to me like I have no idea what's going on and it makes me a little upset. It makes me think that I'm incompetent or something, because they correct my every move and jump in to take care of my residents even though I could have totally handled it. I am also quite tired of people calling off because they tend to not be sick, they just didn't want to come in or they forgot. I know, sometimes people really do mess up and forget to come in, or the schedule is messed up, or they get sick. I get that. But last night we had 4 call off's. Folks, our facility has a maximum of 10 cna's at any one given time during the day or evening shift so to have 4 call-offs is crazy because we are missing half of our staff.

So, before you call in "sick" to work, 1) make sure that you're really sick, contagious, and darn near incapable of any level of functioning due to some bacterial or viral invader. 2) if you aren't really sick, make sure that your unwillingness to come in isn't going to cause any undue stress on your fellow employees because the truth will come out and it will spread among us faster than wildfire. I don't know how info spreads so fast when none of the cna's really work with each other, but there is a ridiculous amount of knowledge/rumors spread through minimal contact between the employees. 3) don't be suprised when you have a terrible day because someone decides to call off and leave you alone with 16 residents that require 24/7 attention. It's brutal and a very cruel punishment.

That's all the venting I have about work. I put in my "2 months" unofficial notice and applied to over 10 jobs with the nearby hospitals. The more I go to my current CNA job, the less I am able to tolerate all of the residents, the families, and the nurses yelling at me constantly. Nobody seems to realize that they can do the simple things they ask me to do. Nor do they realize that I am one person, who is bottom of the food chain, and I am responsible for 16 other people at any given time. I don't get paid enough for the abuse inflicted upon me by residents, let alone the families and management.

Halloween is quickly approaching. With it comes the couples costumes, scary shows, horror films, and evil looking decorations and masks. I don't tolerate this season well, especially now that I am an adult. I thought it would have gotten easier with time, but no...

Daily Thanksgiving: Work is done for today and I only have one more shift next week before two weeks off. I am actually studying... a week before my pharm test instead of the day before or the day of! I'm praying that G-d let's the info get soaked into my brain so that I can get an A because I'm putting a lot of work into studying this time (besides the little break I'm taking to write this.) Today without country music was easier. I have my days, but today was a better day breaking that addiction. I get to go to bed soon and I don't have to be a CNA tomorrow!

Good night y'all. Ttyl. I hope you sleep well and I hope life is going well. If not, praise G-d and learn from it. If it is, praise G-d and enjoy the peace because, let's face it, peace hardly lasts for long in this life. :)

Middle-of-Semester Blahs

What a drag the middle of the semester is. Between midterms, projects, and tired teachers, I'm fried. Plus we are having super cold weather here and the sun seems to be always hiding whether I get up before sunrise or go to bed far after it sets. I need some vitamin D!

An interesting thing happened today. Keep in mind that I fight the flu vaccine like nobody's business, except for this year and the next two years due to clinicals. I still want to fight it but I'm not willing to get kicked out of nursing school. So, they have me up against a rock and a hard place and I'm letting them bully me. I'm disappointing myself. Anywho, the manager of my CNA job sent us an article that stated that vaccines are bad and should not be taken because of the aluminum and mercury in them!!! *facepalm* This is the same lady that gets all up in my grill for refusing vaccines on religious grounds. I read this email while at my library IT job and I almost started screaming and punching walls. I texted my mom about it and later called her because this is nonsense. People, if you are in management and you are enforcing something as controversial as flu shots, use some common sense and don't send out an article saying that they are bad. Duh! Man alive, I'm still rialed up about it. That may or may not have been exacerbated by the double espresso mocha coffee I had earlier and the Red Bull I just downed... Doesn't matter though. Yes, I know I get to be a bit much when I get frustrated but I hate when people try to shove something on you and then take it back or provide you with reasons why you shouldn't have done it. Generally I just dislike people telling me what to do if they aren't G-d Himself.

I suppose I'm a bit of a hothead and I need to just calm down and respect those in charge like the Bible says to do. We aren't supposed to roll over and just take what the leaders say though! We can fight and ask them why they want us to do stuff. My goodness, I am just having a hard time coping with this one. I'll post the article later...

What would you do, or what do you do, when your managers/leaders do stuff like this? Do you just suck it up and not think much about it? Do you ask them why they released an article like that for us to read if it contradicts what thy say to us? Do you get angry? Does it even matter?

I'm a fighter. When someone is pushing something on me I won't just take it. I want to know why, how, when, and anything else about it before I accept the change. Even then I am resistant to it. Maybe that's just because I like for things to stay the same all the time. Perhaps it's because I've been burnt far too many times to count by people that were supposed to have my best interest in mind and by people I thought I could trust.

That was my day... How was yours?

Daily Thanksgiving: The teacher that most of the people in my class doesn't like 1) is kind to me, 2) knows my name, 3) has extended grace to me several times. I'm not a teachers pet, but I do talk to her and explain my situation. I like that she knows my name because no teachers ever seem to remember my name, not even when I was in high school. It's likely because I typically don't talk much to teachers or in class, so I'm okay with them not knowing me. However, it's nice to be heard and known sometimes. I am also making loads of friends in the nursing program and I'm starting to remember names!

So true!

I ain't bashing other professions (everybody works hard for their money), I just thought the description of my job and future nurse work was spot on!


Also, I found a blog with a cute post of 10 nursing diagnosis for student nurses. Read it if you get a chance. All of them are so true and it's only my 3rd week of nursing school... The only thing that is not correct for me is anything about coffee. I don't drink coffee, but I may be picking up that habit somewhere down the road when schooling gets crazier.

Labor Day Weekend

Did you do anything fun for the extended weekend? Our university gave us Monday and Tuesday off so we (my brother and I) went home to see our parents. They surprised us with futons! Normally we had been crashing on the couch because we took our beds with us to furnish our apartment. However, they wanted us to be comfortable so they saved up and bought us futons, blankets, pillows, sheets, and everything so that we would be more comfortable. It was so sweet but I feel bad that they keep buying us so much stuff. My parents are always sending us money in the mail, buying us things for the apartment, coming down to buy our groceries, giving us gas money, etc. I know that they care for us and they just want us to not have to stress but I know that they don't really have the money to be able to do that all the time either. Still, they give us what they can even though they raised us not expecting help so we are fine without it. Maybe someday I will understand why they do it. They say that they feel bad that they can't pay for all of our college and bills but I don't think that they should have to. This is what being an adult is about. We have to learn to stand on our two feet, fight for what we believe in, and learn to live within our means so that we can invest in our education/future.



Another one of my friends got married...



Work wasn't so bad but I desperately need a new job. Something that allows me to think like a nurse. Maybe something that doesn't require me to only wipe butts...



I went to church again. That makes 2 weeks in a row!



I have to go study. TTFN (tata for now; Yes, that is from Tigger).

Maybe you're just confused...

Full moon = craziness at work for the entire week! It was made worse by the fact that I worked 3 scheduled doubles and another single shift. Then they called me in for another single shift (bringing the total up to a whopping 8 shifts in 1 week) but I was the only CNA when there are usually 3... Needless to say I was livid, grouchy, and I am currently burnt out at this job.

Good news, though, there is an opening for the mother baby floor at a local hospital (the one that hired me the same time I got hired at this old folks' home) and it's PRN too! The only down side is that their orientation is a week long and I have school that I cannot miss. So, I will call them about it and apply in November so that I can hopefully do the orientation over winter break and get set up in the hospital!

A thing that I have recently noticed about nurses, however, is that many of them (us) have diarrhea of the mouth. This means that we say really stupid things and have to remove our foot from our oral orifices on numerous occasions each day. I have also recently discovered that I have a relatively thin skin and can get easily offended when someone questions my intelligence. What brought about this discovery? Oh, years of being questioned and targeted as people's mission in churches when I discussed my questions concerning doctrines of the church that I do not see as being congruent or found in the Bible. What brought it up recently? My charge nurse telling me that I'm confused about my belief system because I believe in Jesus but don't celebrate the Jesus holidays (Christian holidays). I made the mistake of telling people at work (only when they ask) that I celebrate the "Jewish" holidays that Yeshua (Jesus) celebrated instead of celebrating the Christian holidays like Easter and Christmas.

My little spiel begins with asking all of you to please not assume that I took the change lightly. Going from celebrating Christian holidays all my life to doing the Biblical ("Jewish") holidays was not a change that occurred spontaneously. I don't do anything spontaneously, at all! I resist change, I research all areas of life that I don't understand, and I am too scared of life and possible consequences of any action to even leave my house most days or have any human interaction. (I believe that may have been a run-on... I am very sorry. I tend to have run-on's in my rants.) So, for someone to tell me that I am confused and laugh in my face in front of fellow employees/friends when that person is the one asking me questions about what I believe is unacceptable. Don't tell me what I know and what I don't. Don't tell me that I don't know something that I have actually researched for years on end. Oh man, you can tell me a lot of stuff, but don't tell me what to do with my life and don't tell me that I don't know my own beliefs.

Now I am working on forgiveness... I think this came about from asking G-d to teach me to forgive and to be more compassionate and patient. If you ask for these things, which you should because it's good to be working on these things with G-d, but be ready for a rough life for the next few weeks/months. Man alive! This simple little request has made my summer very trying indeed!

In completely unrelated news, I went to church today. It was really short, only an hour and a half! I am used to being at congregation for 5-7 hours because I get there way early to help set-up, then leave really late after everything is cleaned and put away. I don't know if I will continue to go there because I was actually meaning to go to another church but got confused so I improvised and tried a different one. Long story short, it was an okay service, but I am going to go the the one I originally was going to go to because my mentor recommended it and it is supposed to have a pretty good worship service Friday nights. 

School starts Monday and I already have homework due the first day of class. 'Nough said.

Meeting at the Reunion

Do you ever go to family reunions and you have to meet everyone that claims they know you? It's an odd event really. You know that you are related by blood or marriage to most/all of the people there, but you don't really know them. This forces a somewhat awkward situation. It's like friends trying to set you up on a date based off of the fact that you both like to bowl. You know that there is something in common, but what on earth do you talk about for the other 4+ hours of the reunion/date besides what you know about the other person already?

Last year, I met my "cousin". He's not really my cousin because his grandparents are my Mema's aunt and uncle. So, it gets really confusing and I just decided to save myself the headache and claim him as cousin. Anywho, last year we discovered that we would both be in the nursing program together. In fact, we had chemistry together the first semester. Unfortunately, our conversation stayed pretty minimal, at best. This year, the reunion was way smaller, but I got to talk to him for most of the day instead of smiling at stories of when I was a baby and these strangers/long lost family members last saw me. While this was a blessing, it was also slightly uncomfortable seeing as I am not a conversationalist and there were about 2 hours of luls in the conversation and an hour worth of talking... Golly, I need to work on my people and conversation skills!

Good news, I got to see my newly retired Mema and she may be moving closer to us! She is currently about an 8 hour drive through 3 states, but she is originally from the little town that my dad grew up in and most of her family is here. I so hope she moves down here. How amazing would it be if she could teach me how to be a nurse once I graduate?

Off to work a double... #too early (totally just kidding, I don't do hashtags)

Work

Yesterday was insane at work! I worked a 13.5 hour shift with no break. I was the float all day and all of the residents were totally effected by the full moon. Newscasters said that it was the biggest full moon of the year so hopefully the behaviors last night were the climax of the year and none of the other full moons will even come close to being so bad.

Folks, through many observations, I have come to the conclusion that the full moon effect is very much a real thing. If you can help it, NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER work on full moons. You can work the day after, because everyone is typically very tired, but don't work the day of or 3-5 days before it. I'm tellin' ya, it's bad news. It's especially bad news for those few months where the moon is the closest to the earth and everyone wants to kill you because of it's magnified affects on the entire population of the world.

I'm praying that today is much better. Good news, I only work 5 hours today and for 2 of those hours the residents should be sleeping. Hopefully everyone goes to bed early and I can hang out with my girls! But I just remembered that one of my girls is on vacation for another week... This is quite unfortunate.

Daily Thanksgiving (yesterday's): The day is done and I did not scream, cry, or quit. I did not get socked in the face even though several residents did attempt to do so. 

Today, I got to sleep in... after getting a call from work at 2:58 a.m. to try to get me to cover a 6:30 a.m. shift that same day. Let me tell you, waking me up from sleep is not the way to get on my good side so that I will come in and help you cover holes! I understand that people call off, but come on! I get very grouchy when woken up from sleep because of a call from work. Then I can't sleep because they woke me up so I wake up even more grouchy.

Daily Thanksgiving (today's): Still to come. I did get to kinda sleep in though!

Full Moon

As y'all know, I was skeptical about rumors of strange behaviors during the full moon before I started working in healthcare. Now that I am immersed in it, and in an elderly care facility, I very much believe that it is a real thing. Today is proof of it. Everyone was upset with everyone else. People were screaming at each other and many were convinced that their families and our staff were conspiring to kill them or to make them think that they are crazy. Needless to say, today was insane! To top if off, it wasn't even the complete full moon today. No, that happens tonight or tomorrow night, so we should be in for some more big fun the next 2 days that I work. Tomorrow I even work a double... I really have to start looking at a calendar with the moon phases before I schedule myself for shifts.

When I went into work today I wanted to quit. As I left, I still wanted to quit, but I somehow had more compassion for my residents at the end of the day than I did at the beginning. I'm pretty sure G-d changed my heart somewhere along the line today, I'm not sure when He did, but I'm very glad He did.

Nursing school: Now that I've been accepted, what else do I have to do? I have to get health insurance, the flu shot or a medical exemption, tons of books (totaling about $1000!), and I have to send in loads of paper work. This will be an interesting month getting everything ready for nursing school seeing as I don't believe in getting the flu vaccine and I don't have health insurance.

Daily Thanksgiving: I had a decent day at work and I got to talk to my mom today. I was accepted into nursing school and G-d will allow all of the insurance and vaccine things to work out somehow.

Job Hunt

I've been looking for another job, hopefully in a hospital, but I'm not getting any bites yet. I would really like to work somewhere that would pay me more and where I could get some experience in the hospital. Unfortunately, I went for an interview 2 weeks ago and they still haven't called me back. On the bright side, positions in the NICU opened up! The job would be a unit secretary of the unit and so I have applied for that position like 6 times, no joke! I just want to do something else besides working in a nursing home. I absolutely love my patients, but I'm burn out at this place. I don't make much but they require us to do so many extra little things since our residents have such severe behaviors. I want the residents to be safe and to be as comfortable and engaged as possible, but the administrators change so frequently that they don't necessarily know what is really going on with the residents.

I suppose I am largely to blame for getting burnt out. Trying to work 50+ hours a week on top of taking microbiology in a condensed, intense course was not a wise choice. Maybe when I get my two weeks of summer in between my week-long course and my actual fall nursing classes I can work a 3-4 doubles and then take the rest of the time off to go camping, swimming, fishing, muddin', etc. For some reason I keep thinking that this summer wouldn't have been so bad if I could have just worked and not had the stress of school, but I would have been burnt out still working so much. A major positive, however, is that I have made loads of friends at work and I am getting way faster at toileting, feeding, bathing, dressing, vitals, and everything else a CNA does! So, being so exhausted is not completely a terrible thing because I don't feel so lost anymore and work is now just work instead of being this awful beast that I dreaded with all of my being.

I got a 88% on my last test in micro too! I can't remember if I had already told you about that or not yet, so here it is. I cut down on my hours and actually studied for this last test and G-d gave me an amazing grade. Plus, I finally got a textbook so I can finally study for the course instead of guessing... I would have been making much better grades if I would have had the book the whole time, but you life and learn I suppose.

Daily Thanksgiving: I got to go swimming with my friend and we had a nice afternoon hanging out. I got a really good grade and I'm getting somewhere around a B in micro. G-d provided me with a great apartment that I am loving more and more each day. I got to see my brother yesterday and he got a job down here so he should be coming back down to stay here shortly! My boys (my guy friends from school) are moving in to the complex (the same apartment complex as me) at the end of this month. That means that I will have all of my boys to protect me and I can protect them, once I get my shotgun... Anywho, I have to go to work tomorrow, but then I have the rest of the week off until Thursday and I hope to get a lot accomplished on my days off but I also pray that the days I go to work will be nonstressful, good, calm, easy days. I have friends at work!

Super Great Day

For being a sunday, and having to work, I had a great day! Y'all got me up to 500 views, I had a great CNA teacher/partner today, and I felt like I knew what I was doing. So, today was a good day.

The LPN was so stinkin' sweet. She is always asking if I'm doing alright and if everything is going well. Then the float CNA was kind enough to sit down and start talking to me. My partner was very nice and told me a bunch of tricks to help with the floor I was on and she even thanked me at the end of the night. I know that's not because she was really thankful that I was there, but she was just being polite and kind. After working for four months here with CNA's that have been here close to three decades, I have come to expect rudeness, yelling, and embarrassment. Not today though! Today, I was feeling like I knew what was going on, for the most part, and the LPN and CNA's were so sweet I can't even begin to describe how nice it is. Regardless of how fantastic my day was, I'm still beyond exhausted.

Tonight I get to finish my paper, and turn it in, for English... I love my teacher, but I still HATE writing papers. It's just not my forte and I don't understand what makes good writing. I also don't understand how I get a good grade on one paper and not on others. What makes the writing worth an A?

Daily Thanksgiving: I had a great day at work, I have amazing nursing staff to work with, and I am done with work for the week. Also, I am very glad that I only have a small section of my paper to finish writing instead of half of it. Finally, I got a B on my anatomy practical (I can't remember if I said that in a past post or not) and I got a 19/20 on my take-home chem quiz. Now we just have to wait and see how I did on my other tests...

Praise the L-rd for a good, safe day!!!

No More Mask!!!

Another thing I forgot to tell you guys is...





I no longer have to wear a mask because flu season is over!!!!!!!

I cannot tell you how happy I am that I will be able to breath and work and not have my face constantly breaking out because of the silly masks at work. Yes, I would rather wear the mask than to have the flu shot. But we shouldn't even be given the ultimatum of flu shot or unemployment. Honestly, this is overbearing and extremely wrong for all healthcare companies to ban together and require immunizations. The patients don't have to have it, they can spread the flu around. Plus, isn't the vaccine supposed to protect the victim... I mean person who gets the vaccine, from the flu? So if they are protected, why do they have to worry about getting the flu if the vaccine really works? Guys you need to stand with me and fight these mandatory immunizations! If more of us banded together, we could make it illegal for companies to force employees to get shots. We could be the change that is needed. We need to be the ones to change these ridiculous rules and unfair treatment.

Daylight Savings Time

The fact that an hour is gained in the fall because of daylight savings time is great! Don't you love that extra hour of sleep you get when part way through the beginning of a school year? The beauty of everyone on time, or even early, and actually awake at Sunday morning church was so delightful. Then, when we forget all about the hour we gained in the fall, it is snatched away from us in the spring. Just as light begins to appear as I am arriving at work (at 6:30 in the morning), someone decides to go and take that beauty away from me to give me another hour of cold, darkness in the morning. There is one upside to this however, whether working in an elderly care facility or in childcare, those you are taking care of will be so sleepy they sleep ALL day!!! Ya, I had a great day because everyone was asleep, or so sleepy they didn't want to do anything but sit and listen to music. Ah, the serenity caused by something that seems to only take sleep away from me. I loved it!

On the school scene: I spend a solid 4-5 hours in the library with my friend studying for anatomy. Guys, I finally think I am beginning to understand this stuff! I am so glad I went to study with her because she actually explained things to me so I could learn, remember and understand the material. Who knew anatomy could be understood? Anyway, I am praying for good grades on these next two tests. That's right, two anatomy tests in one day. Lovely. Then, the day after that, I take a psych test that I will be nowhere near ready for because I am studying for anatomy. Oh well, I believe G-d will provide a way for me to get good grades, or at least the grades He wants for me.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am very thankful for the amazing day at work today. I actually feel like I am beginning to be slightly competent as a CNA. I am also very glad for the daylight savings time drowsiness that kept all of the residents calm today. I am thankful for my friends, my true friends, that I have made. It is crazy that I have been so close to them in space, but never gotten to know them until I moved out on my own. G-d has blessed me incredibly. Also, I am thankful for my new friend who has taught me anatomy for my upcoming tests. While it is still a work in progress, she is helping me to slowly work through the information instead of putting it all aside while I freak out in a corner (yes, I do this). G-d is allowing me to not stress about the things that normally have me worried sick.

Blessed is the L-rd who provides all things as He see's fit.