Heaping Scoop of Dissappointment

I applied to graduate school for Nurse Midwifery to a campus that is a sister school to my alma mater. I thought it would be amazing! Go to school and graduate somewhere that is in the same school network... go do clinicals up where my parents live so I can just live with them... everything will be wonderful!

Well, I submitted my application and waited. One day, there in my email box, was an email inviting me to an interview day. Yes, they made a whole blessed day out of it. 8-4, there were 2 interviews (with all 16 of the faculty for the program), seminars from: current students, faculty from your specific specialty (there were other nurse practitioner applicants there too and they split us all up), financial aid, and several other people. Then, at the very end of the day, I had to write an essay! *sigh*

Then, I wait. Wait for their decision. Wait in hopes that I get in. Wait in trepidation that I wasn't what they were looking for, even though I was supposedly chosen out of hundreds of other applicants for this interview day.

This morning, after night shift, I got the call that I didn't get in. It's a bummer.

I called my mom and told her, but not with any more emotion than could be mustered to just state it matter-of-factly. She encouraged me that whatever the L-rd wants to have happen, will happen. "Maybe there are trips or something else you need to be available for," she suggested, in true Mom fashion. "Yeah," was all I could respond.

While I am not at the point of tears (because I believe my give-a-damn was broken with the trauma), I am disappointed. This was my first choice of schools. I have had so many other people apply to graduate school around me, and several of them were accepted to several schools on the first try! I keep hoping that they will email me back and tell me that the first email was a mistake and that I was actually accepted, but that longing seems to be more of the bargaining stage in my journey to acceptance.

It's funny because about a week ago, my mom met this lady who's daughter is one of the faculty members for the nurse-midwifery program at the university I wanted to attend. They got to talking and the lady gave my mom this faculty member's email and encouraged me to reach out to her. So, I emailed the lady, saying that "my mom met your mom and they wanted me to email you" but she never responded. It is awkward to begin with, but worse now that I know I wasn't accepted.

I don't really want to wait until next year to begin school, only because I wanted to graduate 2020 to keep my high school graduation (2012) even with my college graduation (2016) then grad school to be finished in 2020. How pretty is that?! Alas, it doesn't seem like it will happen. Plus, I want to get married and start a family at some point. I was really hoping to graduate and be settled before this happens.

Only the L-rd knows why things happen the way that they do. All I can do is pray and follow His lead.



In less painful news, I quit my position at the NICU. For those of you that haven't read all of my happenings; I was working NICU and L&D, for several months now. When I first moved back here, I was hired for L&D, but there was no position open. I know what you are thinking, why hire somebody for a position that is not open?! Yeah, I'm not sure. Regardless, the managers of L&D decided that they still wanted me, but bargained with me that I could be hired and would need to work Mom/Baby while waiting for an L&D position to open up.

I was so torn. I had had offers for several NICU positions around the state. I didn't want to give up my critical care specialty for anything other than a position that would be able to further my career. As such, I bargained with that manager, and the NICU manager that offered me a position at a level 3 NICU at the same time. I got both managers agree to let me work both jobs at the same time, with working part-time at both places. They both agreed, and both agreed to be "flexible" with my scheduling to assist me with this endeavor.

Fast-forward about a month and a half into working NICU: I have already had several scheduling problems with NICU because the people in charge of scheduling will not email me back after several weeks! My manager called me to yell at me, and I stood my ground. I gave her evidence and explained to her the many, many ways I had tried to resolve the issue, with no success. HR had emailed about how the unit could be improved and I responded with several pages worth of diplomatically worded suggestions. Spoiler alert: none of those changes were made. Shocker, I know. Continue on in my journey there, and I find out about legal actions being taken, they refuse to train me to the level 3 kids (even though I have level 3 experience and they begin training those hired after me to train to the critical kids before me), they continue to con me into working day shift holidays where I am losing time with my family as well as night shift differential. The list goes on!

The reason I stayed so long, is that I thought I needed to work NICU for 2 years before I could get my critical care nurse certification (RNC). About 4 days ago, I was reading over the requirements again, and I discovered I needed 2 years as an RN, but only some of my career needed to be in NICU!!! WHAT A WONDERFUL DISCOVERY!!!

I learned this little tidbit, while I was working L&D and I was nearly singing and dancing in the halls! I told everyone of my coworkers about it!!! Suddenly, my decision was clear: quit NICU. Life is too short to be dreading every. single. shift. Work is not the end-all-be-all of life. We work to be able to afford fun things, trips, food, etc. I don't need to sustain this life of being miserable at a work where management does not treat me well, my license is not safe to practice there, I don't agree with their practices, they continually screw me out of pay while requiring more and more from me, and day-shift (plus many night-shifters) are rude and miserable there as well!

So I quit. Then, I worked an L&D shift and they all celebrated with me. Such joy from my coworkers! They shared how glad they were that I am there. They fought over keeping me on their pod (we have 2 with a little hallway in between). The patients are communicated the same information from everybody, so they are grateful and understanding of the care they receive. (NICU nurses at the other place were regularly told different things from each nurse/nurse practitioner/doctor they encountered because there are no protocols and everybody practices based on how they were trained somewhere else.) While there are still people that I clash with in L&D, we are largely coherent on night shift, and even several of day shift people. They encourage my sarcastic jokes, dark humor, and general personality quirks. They like my hard-work and how much I try to help my patients through labor and delivery. They like that I do my best to continually learn and improve and help others when I can. They understand me better.

I like it here.

The Wishes I'll Never See Fulfilled

There are days that you may wish you could go back and relive. There are times in your life that you wished you could go back and redo. There may be times that you wish you never had to live through.

Well, I wish I could go back 3 years ago and not live these past few years at all.

I know, this is a wish that will forever go unfulfilled. I was also told that this is not productive thought because of it's impossibility. It doesn't change the fact that I keep praying I wake up from my nightmare and take it as a life-lesson through sleep to never repeat it in actual life.

I want to go back to the days of college when I was so full of life, looking forward to the future, and excited at the amount of friends I had and the excitement I had when I was first accepted into the nursing program.

I was pure. I was hopeful. I had a whole world full of possibilities just waiting outside my door.

Today I am damage, beaten, weary, and waiting for the day when the Good L-rd decides to free me from my real-life nightmare.

It's hard today to not fall into my bad habits that have helped me to cope with my struggles thus far. However, I want to be able to wear short sleeves and a bikini when I go on my graduation trip with my family, so my physical coping methods are out of the picture. I probably couldn't drink enough to actually get anywhere in the way of numbing because it just shuts off the smart part of my brain and brings forward all of the terrible things I want a break from. Sleep doesn't help because from the time I lay down, through my sleep, and up until I begin my day, my head is filled with the worst things I couldn't even imagine I would have survived, but I did live through. Painting and coloring only get me so far before memories invade again.

I have no relief.

I could have gone for a walk, but it's dark now and I'm scared exfiance would be waiting outside my apartment.



I've had several friends tell me lately that I didn't seem like I was having a bad day, even though I had told them hours earlier over a text that I was having a really bad day. They tell me that I look fine and seem to be enjoying myself.

Well, I've been lying too long. I've gotten it down to a science and have a tendency to push everything out of my head in order to prevent telling those around me what has happened. I don't want to bring down the fun mood by spilling all of my dirty laundry for those who had no idea of my life's happenings before that point. For some, it is the first time they've ever met me. No need to bring them down with my internal scars.

Just for fun, let's go over my "checkered past," shall we?

I have:

• cut, scratched until I've bled, and other forms of self-harm (8th grade)
• attempted suicide 5 or more times (8th grade)
• avoided eating except for dinner every other few nights for a solid 6 months or so. I lost 25-30 pounds in a month or two (high school)
• lived through a friend's suicide
• been in 2, count them TWO! abusive relationships in the year of 2015 (I'm talking the beginning of January to the very end of December)
• relapsed into self-harm
• dealt with the unmedicated bipolar ramblings of various family members that typically result in me being blamed for their miserable lives, countless times
• gone through 3 different roommate situations that were very unhealthy and ridiculously stressful
• began drinking occasionally to calm my mind and pain temporarily
• been raped so many times I can't count them all
• been drug through the mud*, beaten beyond recognition*, damaged beyond repair*, and been so mentally tortured that I wished my previous suicide attempts could have stuck (*not really physical situation if they have the *, but the pain is similar, just lasts much longer)

Now, looking at that list the way it's written, it doesn't seem so bad. Knowing that I've been battling with myself for over 9-10 years and knowing that many of those difficult things have been occurring over extended periods of time makes it seem like the list does no justice to what has actually happened.

No, I don't feel sorry for myself but I do wish these weren't my burdens to bear. Some are self-inflicted, and those have stopped. Those are also burdens I'm ashamed of, but I know that I caused them to myself so I can't blame anyone for those. However, it is hard most days to not drop back into those habits. Sometimes those bad things I did were the only thing to keep me grounded in the world, if even for a moment.

I know, I know! I'm not supposed to think like this! But some days I can't help it. I mean, c'mon! There has to be a break eventually, right? You would hope...

I don't foresee life getting much better for me. Oh, I pray that it does! But, honestly, sometimes I can be so far in the pit of despair that there is no way to see anything but the darkness overwhelming and engulfing me.

I just want to be put out of my misery. I've got no fight left.

Shock of the Week

For my last week of clinicals, the census was ridiculously low on my clinical floor. I'm talking 11 patients between two nurses and many of those patients were going to get discharged throughout the day. Crazy low! So, my clinical group, all three of us, were placed on a different floor.

The day was going really well. I got to hang a bunch of IV stuff, give some shots, see chest tubes, and do all sorts of fun stuff with an excellent nurse. I made it to the end of the day and walked to the other end of the extremely large unit. Guess who I run into! EXboyfriend's mom... She was super sweet and I asked what she was doing there. We chatted for a little bit and I asked if EXboyfriend had told her we had broken up. She said that he had and that when I get a job opportunity, I just have to take it. She said he was bummed about it but she encouraged me to go where work was. I was so confused! After she left, I texted him to let him know I had seen her and to ask him what he was telling people as far as the reason we had broken up. He blamed it on my decision to move to another state after graduation because I already have a job pretty much lined up at Mema's hospital. He asked if I was ma about the story. I told him that I'm not upset with the story because it keeps it simple and I can roll with that, even though it is an absolute lie.

Meanwhile, it is killing me that he doesn't even know the hoops I have had to jump through, the no eating, the nausea, the ER visit, the ER bill, the contraception pill, the nightmares, and everything else that I am having to go through. Yes, I have support from friends, Mom, and my brother ended up guessing what EXbf had done because I sorta let a little something slip when I had been drinking a little bit and he was my designated driver... I am also signed up for counseling... Anyway, EXbf knows nothing of my misery because he couldn't keep it in his pants and keep his promise to me. I just want to tell him, I just want him to hear the pain in my voice, the anger that he stole my future, me crying on the other end of the phone. Even all of this would do the whole process of my grief and pain no justice, but then he would know and I wouldn't be bearing this burden in complete secret while he is simply upset that I broke up with him. I'm not only going through a breakup, I'm dealing with the aftermath of sexual assault and I will be stuck with that for the rest of my life.

I had been doing okay, and then I saw his mom.