Senior Year of Nursing School

Folks, I have made it to my senior year of nursing school! I figured it would be a rough road but had no idea what kind of bumps I'd experience. Turns out school was the easier part, and it is still nursing boot camp. Seriously, nursing school is hard but so worth it.

This semester I am taking:

• Med/Surg "Capstone" (my fourth [and FINAL!] med/surg rotation)

• Community Health

• Jewish Philosophy

• Epidemic of Sexual Assault (It focuses on forensic nursing. I worry about this one because it is an entire course about rape and sexual assault. I can always drop it and I've always wanted to learn more about forensic nursing so I guess we'll see how the first couple of weeks go. I plan on emailing my professor to let her know that I have a personal history so that she can advise me to continue on or go ahead and drop the course.)

So, four classes. 2 have clinicals, one is on main campus (the nursing school is banished to the end of campus away from the normal people...), and one online class (the sexual assault one). We shall see how I do with 18 credits, my hospital night CNA job, and now a boyfriend/fiance in the mix. At least he works on the oil rigs and is gone for 1.5-2 months at a time and only home for 2 weeks in between those hitches (time he's away working).

I remember joking to my friends saying I would be okay with a boyfriend or husband that was home for a couple days and then gone for a few months. In marriage, that will be very difficult. While I am in school, this is highly advantageous for me because we have 30 minute phone dates each night and sporadic texting throughout the day and I have time to study and do what I need to do for school. Praise the L-rd! We will see how this juggling act goes; it may be a complete disaster or G-d may give me the strength and ability to make it work, we shall see.

Fiance surprised me by coming home early Friday. He has had a really difficult hitch. Cliff notes of the past 5-6 weeks for him include: a fellow employee almost killing my man by leaving him on an oil rig with no protection during a lightning storm, that guy then stole the company truck when he was fired for almost killing my man, there was an explosion and fiance saved two guys' lives by running back towards the fire to grab them, now he is being sued by the government for saving lives because it went against safety protocol. There were other delightful little gems in there too, but those are the major highlights.

Anyway, he found my roommate on Facebook and started trying to plan how he could surprise me when he came home. He told me he would show up at any time over the next few days, this was on Wednesday I think. I was freaking out! My roommate was a few states away until Thursday because she was visiting her boyfriend and I had been living in my same pajamas for a few days and slept nearly 18 hours a day most days. What if he came home and my hair was a mess and I didn't even have time to brush my teeth? Oh no! Once roommate got back (new roommate by the way, not the one from last year), we had a night to decompress from her trip and get our little routine started. I mentioned that he had spilled the beans that he might be surprising me and that he had said he might have Facebooked her. She said he had but that she wasn't going to tell me anything.

He texted me later Thursday night and told me he wouldn't be coming home that weekend like he thought because his boss wanted him to stay, but that he would be back next weekend. He apologized up and down all night (he worked night shift that hitch). I told him I understood and not to worry about it. I was thinking, "No big deal, he'll be back next weekend and I have a week to get school figured out before he comes home. Okay, we will make this work."

Friday, roommate and I woke up. She and I had planned to go to campus to get parking passes and textbooks before the mad rush of students would crowd campus this coming Monday. She also said she wanted to take me to lunch for taking such good care of her dog while she was gone for two weeks visiting her family and boyfriend. That wasn't a problem for me because she only had me pay half the rent for August in return for watching her dog and I took her dog up to my parent's house so that her dog and my dog could play. There is also a dog door which makes taking care of a dog really simple, as opposed to going for walks every 2 hours because we live in an apartment. So really, I got the better end of the deal. Anyway, she suggested a really expensive restaurant that fiance loves but had told me he wouldn't take me to yet because it is so pricey and it needs to wait until a special occasion. So I knew something was fishy there. I told her she already paid me for watching her dog and that going to lunch there was too expensive so I suggested we find another place to go. She insisted that "we have to go there." She is not a pushy person, so that was clue number two. When we were heading out she mentioned that she had a piano lesson (she teaches piano) in the area so it would be perfect for her to go to lunch there so that she wouldn't have to drive all the way back across town to go home. I asked her if I needed to drive separate so that I could go home after lunch and she told me not to worry about it. Clue #3. I decided not to push because I was already putting pieces together. When we got there and nobody else we knew was there, I brought up me needing a ride again. I asked her how I was going to get home? She said she would drive me home (across town). I mentioned that she had said she didn't want to because she had a lesson near the restaurant. She started blushing and told me to stop asking questions and that it would be alright. I win! I figured it out. So, about 15-20 minutes go by while my mind is racing but I try to keep the conversation going with her about how fiance had told me he wasn't coming home and she looked so sad because I was sad. Then I asked about her trip and we decided to go up to the salad bar and get ourselves some food. I got so distracted getting food and talking for the next 10 minutes that he came up behind me and gave me a hug and I had totally forgotten I was hoping he would come! It was a wonderful surprise and a great lunch. Roommate likes him and says he reminds her of her boyfriend.

She's a really sweet girl who found a guy with a good heart but ridiculously rough edges too. We find solace knowing each other's similar guy troubles because we are similar and our guys are similar. Yet, we both love our men, no matter how crazy they make us sometimes because we see the good in them and we see them trying to be sweet and tender for us.

Tonight the L-rd is giving my heart peace. I am anxious about tomorrow, but the troubles that plague my brain about the events that have happened this summer are set aside. He has taken them. Oftentimes He has to take them back from me daily, but it is getting easier to relinquish them each day. Forgiveness is also a daily battle that is getting easier each day. I am to a place where I believe that ExBoyfriend just made a mistake and I didn't fight hard enough to let him know I wasn't happy with what was going on. ExRoommate and I made mistakes that made us both sad and I am very sorry for that. The words that were spoken by the girls freshman year, my brother, ExRoommate's mom, and countless others over the years were just mistakes. It's all about each of us learning. That is what life is, right? Learning to let G-d have control of who we are and allowing Him to teach us how to model ourselves after His heart? I don't know, I don't know what life is. Right now I'm resigned to what it has become and I hope and pray that there is something more meaningful. I yearn for the day when the L-rd will tell me there was a bigger purpose to me going through this last summer and other people being able to be told that their life struggles (which are far greater than my own) have purpose and meaning. Who knows though? Only the Good L-rd knows and so I will keep my hope in Him and start getting my eyes and feet trained back to His path because I got a bit sidetracked and turned around.

It's that time of year again

Do y'all know what I'm talking about? Tomorrows my birthday. In fact, it's my 21st birthday. Which, in the United States, means I will be legal to drink!

21 seems silly. When my parents were growing up, they could go to the bar at 18. They were in high school! Plus, it's not like alcohol isn't available before then...

Anywho, I have clinicals tomorrow (Thursday) and Friday so my friends and I are making work arounds and making my birthDAY more of a birthWEEK/birthMONTH because Passover also starts on Friday. That means I am going to have a frickin' crazy weekend. Let me just paint you a picture, shall I?

Wednesday: Stay up and go out at midnight? We'll see because I still have to go write careplans and get a little sleep before clinicals and I worked last night.

Thursday: Clinicals, more careplans, go help Boyfriend feed cows (yay!), and then birthday dinner with darn near everyone of my friends, my boyfriend, and possibly my brother/his friends. Good heavens!

Friday: Clinicals, shower/nap?, then go out to a local country bar with everyone I can talk into coming with us.

Saturday: Sleep in... a little, go to Parent's house with Brother for family Seder for Passover and come back home. That's a solid hour/hour and a half both ways. Oh but I love Passover and this year, I get to bring the wine!!!

Sunday: Easter brunch with Boyfriend and his huge family. A couple hours rest, then he and I are going back up to Parent's city to go to mom's congregation's seder with hundreds of people so that Boyfriend can see my culture.

That's a 4-5 day set of crazy and no rest before school starts again crazy on Monday. Oh, and I got a billion assignments assigned yesterday. So, I'm back on my meds...

Breathe BedpanAlley, just breathe.

Have I mentioned I hate birthdays? Oh, it's a passion of mine. This birthday will make it easier to go out with friends but I just don't like getting older and not feeling like I've accomplished anything in the last year of my life besides minor survival, and not good survival at that. It's more of a barely made it through to this anniversary of the evacuation of my mother's uterus instead of thriving like I should be in my 20's, especially the first year of my 20's.

I'm working on being positive. Well, some days I am. Today is not one of those days.

Meanwhile, I survived March and Country Boy's suicide anniversary and the following day with minimal tears. April 11 would have been his 21st birthday. I'm not looking forward to that day. It's on a Saturday and I'm almost certain I may be drinking alone that night or trying to go out to get my mind off of it. We'll see.

I better get going to write my careplans so I can get this "weekend" started! Goodbye for now dear readers.

Life Update

Man alive my life has been crazy busy lately! So, let's hit a few highlights.

1. Boyfriend finally signed on his house after having to be postponed weekly for about 2-3 months. So I went out to help him clean and paint but I didn't really help him, I just talked while he worked.
2. My med/surg clinicals are going okay. I failed a careplan because I didn't do my care map... ugh! That clinical day was ridiculous. I made careplans for 2 patients and I lost both by 1100 that day. So ridiculous! I lost one because the primary RN for that patient was being a preceptor for a new nurse and couldn't handle 2 students on top of that, which I understand. Then I lost the other one because he got discharged. So then I get to do two extra care maps on two brand new patients and I get to pass meds that I have no idea what they do because I didn't do a full caremap/medication chart for them. There were more frustrating things and I went through the entire day fully flustered, but I can't remember them right now because I have tried to block that day from my memory.
3. Roommate may/may not be upset with me. Between my long day of classes (8-4:30) on Tuesday, my late nights at the hospital doing careplans on Wednesdays (noon-6ish and then up until midnight to finish them), and my clinicals Thursday/Friday, I hardly see her anymore! Then she goes to her mom's on the weekends and I hang out with Boyfriend when she's gone. I sure hope I didn't upset her, and I try to invite her to stuff when Boyfriend and I do stuff or sometimes I invite her to stuff with her and I and maybe some other buddies of ours (without Boyfriend) but our friendship just feels a little on the rocks. I've asked her if it makes her uncomfortable when he's here but she says it's okay. I don't know, I miss her though!
4. Brother got a new job!... at a hookah place. Mom knows about it, dad doesn't know where he works, he just knows that Brother got a new job. So that might be a fun conversation to watch! Knowing Brother though, it probably won't be much of show because Mom didn't get upset with him when he told her he was smoking pot and none of his big news that it supposed to produce entertainment for me does! It's a real bummer!
5. Dad also got a new job! He had been self-employed for 20-25 years and he's been struggling with that for a very long time. He showed up at his buddy's place of employment one day to talk to the boss and he was hired right away! His buddy had been talking him up for months and the boss believed him so much that he didn't even require training for Dad, he just put him in a truck and let him go! Dad is so excited and happy all the time, I don't know that I've ever seen him so excited for anything. Plus, all of the ladies in the office and his fellow employees love him and think he is just the coolest thing since sliced bread and he has exceeded their expectations from what his buddy told them. That is hard to do ever, but especially in trucking! He now gets benefits, over-time, a regular paycheck that he doesn't have to track people down to get paid, and he's not so hard on his body as he was when he was a welder/fabricator/mechanic. I'm just as happy as a pig in mud about that! And he is too!
6. Dad gets two bullet points because G-d has answered so many prayers about him for me. It's taken years of praying, like, since I was a little kid and learned to pray. He's quit smoking, started working on his marriage with my mom, he got a job, he's happier, and he's understanding the beauty of Sabbath. My heart is just so full it could burst!
7. Mom called me and told me dad was acting weird. He had gone out to a fast food place and had to go in because they don't have a drive-through. Dad doesn't go to fast food without a drive through because he does not like talking to people and he feels like he's being stared at and judged (which I fully understand), because it's part of social phobia (which I have, which is why I understand). Anyway, he went in and called Mom to see if she wanted anything. That doesn't happen either! They've both been in a marriage but acting independently for several years. They were married at the end of the month that I was born, about three weeks after I entered the world, and they did the whole co-dependent marriage relationship thing for awhile. Then, slowly, they started doing their own laundry, sometimes making their own supper at night, etc. They are still married, still live together, still share the same bed, but they were not fully a team. So the fact that dad asked if he could bring her something home was a big deal because that had not been done in several years. So she explained all this to me and then said he had done dishes for her (also not done in a long time) and he was calling just to see how she was doing, etc. I laughed because to me, it sounded like he was doing the Love Dare from the movie Fireproof. The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that he may be doing it or at least just trying to be sweeter to her. She told me she had been a little ornery to him and I told her to be nice because I thought he was doing the Love Dare and that I had prayed for them to get closer in their marriage for a long time. I think she may have started crying because her voice changed like it does when she cries (she cries when she's happy, sad, confused, at dog commercials, EVERYTHING!). That was all a few weeks ago. As far as I know, their communication is increasing/improving and they are both being nicer to each other and hopefully getting closer with each other. Another reason my heart is getting fuller and fixin' to burst!
8. All the nursing stuff I though I lost through my semester of Mental Health is not lost at all! I am really loving med/surg because I am understanding things that were difficult before and I feel like an actual nurse! I keep impressing my clinical instructor, when she least expects it, and I'm able to shout out answers in lab that nobody else knows because I seem to be decent at this nursing thing! Even nursing for adults!!!

Sweeter than Sweet Tea

I finally made it through my first real date! We were going to go bowling but we ended up doing that a few days early when he ended up being in town with his buddies and we made an impromptu trip because I was too young to be in the pool hall they were in when I showed up to hang out with him...

Instead, we decided to go hit up the local antique store. He is in the process of buying a house and he loves antique stuff because he really enjoys history. So fun! It took us about 2 hours to walk through the store. Then we decided we were hungry and he tried to take me out for a steak. Ha! I shot that idea down real quick and then he suggested Chick-fil-a. How did he know that was my favorite fast food place? I have no clue because I never told him! Anyway, we went there and then went to walk around a really fancy hotel nearby. That probably took another hour and a half/two hours. We talked about all the hard, scary stuff as we walked around outside with the lights still up on the trees from the holidays. He grabbed my hand and I felt really comfortable around him. He was really sweet when I told him no kisses. He told me he respected that and kind of dug into my reasoning behind it but respected my choice and still wants to hang out with me! Who knew?

I told my parents about the date and then they started probing about him. When I told them he was buying a house they both said that it sounded like he "has his sh*t together." Haha, both of them said that and I talked to them separately on the phone and they didn't hear each other's conversations with me. (Please forgive the language but I was trying to convey the full weight of my patent's approval and could find no other way than to just quote them and try to make it a little safer.)

This guy is really sweet though and he even asked if he needed my dad's permission before we start the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. YES!!! That's what I was going for with Best Friend but he didn't understand what old school actually means, this new guy does. I still don't know what to call him but hopefully I'll find a name soon!

I just got a cold a couple of days ago so I'm going to go back to resting. Thank you for celebrating this exciting new phase in my life with me!