Lies Are Building

I don't know if you guys remember or not, but when fiance asked me to marry him the first time, he didn't ask my dad for permission first. This was one thing I asked him to do because I feel it shows respect to my dad to ask for my hand. Fast-forward about 5-6 months and he finally asked my dad Thursday night.

Now, dad has unmedicated and unofficially diagnosed bipolar disorder (type 2) as evidence by my DSM-V book and the fact that a lot of his side of the family has it. I'm talking most everyone has it. Anyway, fiance called my dad telling him he wanted to meet up to talk. Dad immediately called me and flipped the fuck out! Sorry for the bad language, there is a lot of anger in my heart. Yes, I still believe in the L-rd and I'm sure he's not happy with my language but I digress and I'm terribly sorry for the bad words. Anyway, dad told him he could marry me.

Next day, dad called and started yelling at me again. He went on and on while I sat crying silently on the other end. My mom called during my "talk" with him and I called her back when he was done. Mom was so great about calming me down, telling me to ignore dad and just get ready and be happy for the special night with fiance. I proceeded to yell and vent about my entire family being bat shit crazy for another 45 minutes. I know I'm not supposed to call people that are mentally ill crazy, even if I am too, but they are. I don't call others, well I really try not to call others crazy because I know these are things they can't help. But honestly, my family and I really need to get on some meds and get this shit sorted out because I'm sick of having nobody on my side because they are all so consumed in their feelings and they leave and stop talking to people when they get mad at the dumbest things. Dad could have told fiance his true feelings. Instead, he told fiance yes and yelled at me because he regretted that decision.

That night, I had a birthday dinner planned for the fiance. We went to a nice dinner. I had gone dress shopping with his mom so that I could find a really pretty dress to wear for him. I did my hair and make up and I was looking really good. Fiance talked to the staff at the restaurant and planned for them to come and sing happy birthday to him, but instead of just that, he was planning to ask me again to marry him in public.

I said yes and he gave me a new ring because the other one got stolen.

The past few days have consisted of me going home to my parent's house where my dad proceeded to ignore me and refuse to talk to my mom or I. They are now planning to separate in the spring because dad thinks life would be better without us because apparently my brother and I stress him out too much. Fiance and I are fighting because of what he told dad when he went up to talk with him. Fiance thinks it's bullshit that I told him that my dad has been yelling at my mom and I for the past few days when dad told fiance he could ask me to marry him. I think it's bullshit too but what do I do? Fiance says the only time he wants to dump me is when my family is being a pain in he ass and not wanting us to get married. Right now, I don't even really want to get married. I'm over this nonsense.

To make it better, I asked about his "dead" wife. He won't give me any straight answers about when she died or where she is buried and I'm angry that he gets so defensive when I do ask because I think that means he might be lying. I went through his Facebook the other day because it was his birthday and I was just looking at the birthday wished. Then, posts started getting more interesting. He told me he's only had one girlfriend besides his wife and me. When I was going through his page, he kept talking about other girlfriends, like 3-4 by name and others without naming them directly. The girl he also said was dead has been posting on her Facebook page up until the end of November of this year. He told me she's been dead for at least 2-3 years. So, I plan on asking him where she is buried, when she died, and what her last name was. The pictures of her that he showed me look an awful lot like this other girl that I found that is alive. I sent a message to her without any specifics in it yet, to see if she would even be willing to talk to me about him. So, we will see. I tried to talk to him when he was over at my place last night but he told me he just doesn't like talking about it. However, I do better asking him over the phone for some reason, then I can have a paper with all of my questions on it too to help guide me. Then, if he's lying, I plan on sending the ring back in the mail and never talking to him again. Whether I take legal pursuit for the other bad things he's done to me or not will remain unknown for right now. I plan on talking to his other "girlfriends" to see why they broke up with him and what happened in their relationships to see if we may all need to ban together for legal action.

So, that is how I went from happiness to complete and utter disparity and anger in a matter of minutes.

Sweeter than Sweet Tea

I finally made it through my first real date! We were going to go bowling but we ended up doing that a few days early when he ended up being in town with his buddies and we made an impromptu trip because I was too young to be in the pool hall they were in when I showed up to hang out with him...

Instead, we decided to go hit up the local antique store. He is in the process of buying a house and he loves antique stuff because he really enjoys history. So fun! It took us about 2 hours to walk through the store. Then we decided we were hungry and he tried to take me out for a steak. Ha! I shot that idea down real quick and then he suggested Chick-fil-a. How did he know that was my favorite fast food place? I have no clue because I never told him! Anyway, we went there and then went to walk around a really fancy hotel nearby. That probably took another hour and a half/two hours. We talked about all the hard, scary stuff as we walked around outside with the lights still up on the trees from the holidays. He grabbed my hand and I felt really comfortable around him. He was really sweet when I told him no kisses. He told me he respected that and kind of dug into my reasoning behind it but respected my choice and still wants to hang out with me! Who knew?

I told my parents about the date and then they started probing about him. When I told them he was buying a house they both said that it sounded like he "has his sh*t together." Haha, both of them said that and I talked to them separately on the phone and they didn't hear each other's conversations with me. (Please forgive the language but I was trying to convey the full weight of my patent's approval and could find no other way than to just quote them and try to make it a little safer.)

This guy is really sweet though and he even asked if he needed my dad's permission before we start the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. YES!!! That's what I was going for with Best Friend but he didn't understand what old school actually means, this new guy does. I still don't know what to call him but hopefully I'll find a name soon!

I just got a cold a couple of days ago so I'm going to go back to resting. Thank you for celebrating this exciting new phase in my life with me!

An it's on again!

Date has been rescheduled for Saturday. I am a bit nervous that he is regretting this whole thing because I have been a severe pain in his butt with the scheduling of this shindig. Originally, we were supposed to have a whole group accompany us and he couldn't get them to come this time so it's going to be the two of us and Roommate. They have known each other for years but it's scary going out with not as many people to keep the conversation going. Still, I'm really excited and I hope he is too.

I told my dad about the date today... I keep trying to tell him big stuff first so that he doesn't feel left out because I tell both of my parents lots of stuff but my mom and I talk a lot on the phone (maybe every other day or several times a day) while I talk to my dad once a week or every other week. However, lengths of calls make it end up balancing out, kind of.

First thing out of his mouth once I told him was, "You know, you don't owe him anything. Sex is off the table." Haha, does he know who he's talking to? Well, I haven't shared my no kissing policy with him so he kinda doesn't.

This policy is getting tough to stick by. I have a friend who I recently discovered had the same policy. HAD. Then, one of her boyfriends kissed her on her date and she says it's no big deal. Well, crap. (Please forgive the language.) I asked if she wished she would have waited and she said it's not really that big of a deal. We have similar faith and agree on most everything. I don't know that I'll let him kiss me on the first date but man alive is it temping. So now what? I guess we'll see.

Well, that's not what I expected.

Y'all remember the date I was going to go on? It ended up getting cancelled because of weather. The guy lives about an hour outside of town and his town was getting hammered with snow and the roads were really icy so we decided to postpone. My heart sunk a little when he texted me that but we ended up talking anyways, well, texting. I am really looking forward to going out with him and I hope he really is too. Besides the panic attacks and bad nervousness that is typically accompanying me, I am not normally one to get worked up or excited about boys. This guy, though. Let's just go over my schedule from the time he asked for my number until now.

We danced. He asked for my number. We danced again. We went to a party and DOMINATED beer pong (remember, I was cheating a little bit by not drinking...). I wait two painful days for him to text me and I worried the whole time that he didn't really think I would be worth the time or that he had forgotten me entirely. He finally texts. He asks me out for the next night. I clean house all day, scrubbing almost every inch of our apartment to keep my nerves at bay and to hopefully get it all ready for him to see it. Date got cancelled and my heart sunk. We texted back and forth for hours anyways and found a lot of common interests. He texted me again this morning and we talked for a solid three or four hours before I decided I needed to take a nap before work tonight. Now I'm waiting to get called into work and updating you on my life which was a lot more interesting from my vantage point before blogging it... I need to learn how to tell stories better.

This guy has me staying up for hours at night because I can't stop thinking about him and I keep waking up early. He's in my dreams and I keep replaying the times we danced and hung out even though it was super short-lived. Am I blowing this all out of proportion? Is he going to regret going out with me if/when he discovers he's not going to get a kiss from me unless we get hitched? Roommate's mom was talking him up the whole time I was at her house and I've heard so much about him. I distinctly remember he telling me that she approves of us dating (which is big because she's like family now) and that he would "treat me like a queen." He's pretty much the most wanted eligible bachelor in the three-town area he hangs out in. He's not scared of marriage and he was engaged for a while but they broke up this summer though I haven't heard why. He's giving me butterflies and I'm dreaming about him but can't decide if it's the idea of a sweet country boy liking me or if there is really something here. He's got a great job, he's fixin' to buy a house (in the town I have been dreaming of living in since I was little), and he seems really smart. He likes going to museums which I'm hoping means he likes learning. He likes going to antique stores and is planning on decorating his house with antiques which I think will require tremendous amounts of patience. He can fix a lot, from what I've gathered about his job as a mechanic/everything man. He grew up in the country, on a farm, and knows how to handle animals and crops. Plus, on top of everything else, I think he's pretty stinkin' cute.

This whole thing also brings up a lot of insecurities. Will he decide I'm not worth his time or money? Why did the engagement get broken? Will this make going to the town dances awkward if it doesn't work out? Will he pressure me to break my boundaries? Does he go to church? I know I can ask him that, but I just haven't yet because I'm scared of the answer.

Will I be enough?

I know you have read all this in a lot of my posts and I keep hoping and working to make these fears subside, even if just by a little bit. Will they ever even go away?

It's a Happy New Year Indeed!

Let me tell you a story about my New Year's Eve. It was so fun!

We decided to go out to Roommate's mom's house after I had worked to night. No big deal because I got to sleep for a couple of hours in between.

We headed out to her place around 5 with no big complications. There was a small dinner at her mom's house before we all headed to the dance. So, it was Roommate, her mom, the step-dad (he's is so cool, I just love him to pieces!), Roommate's cousin, and two of that kid's cousins on the other side of his family tree (just roll with it). Oh, plus me. Already we have a recipe for a great night because these people are so fun.

We get to the dance about an hour after it began with a different one of Roommate's cousins because we had to jump over to the next town to get soda. That's how small this town is, there isn't a gas station or grocery store for at least 9 miles down the road.

The dance is fun and we're all just hanging out in a big circle in the back with my uncle and aunt and some other people I've never met before.

At midnight Roommate agreed that we would start a new single girl tradition of giving each other high-fives because we have nobody to kiss (and I avoid kisses like the plague, but for very different reasons!) A little while later a guy comes up and asks me to dance. He is such a good dancer! He asked for my number after the first dance and then we danced a few more songs. Also, he smells really good even after dancing for hours before finally asking me onto the floor. That's a super great bonus!

So, excellent night right? We closed the city hall down, which is where the dance was at, around 2 a.m. I was so tired I was begging to go home but I got talked into going to another party. I was told we would only be there for 30 minutes. That was a lie. We left around 4 a.m.! However, the party was super fun. I didn't drink when I was there but I won three games of beer pong in a row! Every time the other team got the ball in a cup and it was my turn to drink I would pour it into a different cup and they didn't even notice! Ya, they were way too far gone. I feel like a cheater but... I wasn't about to get sick or do something silly just because I had been drinking. Hey, the guy was there and we won a game together! I need to come up with a name for him...

Fast-forward to about 0400 today and he finally texted me! I thought he had forgotten about me or didn't actually care that he got my number. Well, turns out he remembered me and we are going on a date tomorrow (tonight because it is now 0138). I'm too excited to sleep and I even took all my herbs to help with sleep, plus magnesium, plus melatonin...

Bonus #2! Roommate gets to come with me and it's going to be a group date because I was really nervous it would just be the two of us. Phew! I won't have to sustain a conversation the entire night by myself. We are going to go to dinner and bowling and though I am okay at beer pong, I am terrible at bowling so hopefully he doesn't dislike me just because we lose. I already warned him but nobody ever understands the severity of my badness until they experience it for themselves first-hand. Ah well, I will let you know how it goes tomorrow and maybe he'll even get a better nickname for this blog!

Daily Thanksgiving: Roommate gets to come with me on my first date and I had a blast dancing on New Year's Eve! Most importantly, G-d brought me through 2014. I think this was one of my roughest, if not the roughest year of my life so far but G-d allowed me to survive. He brought me through! I pray that 2015 goes much better for me and all of you out there. Happy New Year!

I think I will try to give a synopsis of my 2014 tomorrow, if I remember. I'll also let you know how the night goes with him and then maybe I'll tell you a bit more about him. Teaser: he's pretty cute and he seems to have his life together fairly well. He's a really good dancer and so far he's super sweet while also being able to be upfront instead of beating around the bush. He also instigated the whole thing and asked me out after only meeting me once instead of hoping I would ask him after months of only texting each other. All things I was looking and hoping for so we'll see! Pray for safety for both of our hearts, his understanding of my weird boundaries, and fun, lots of fun.