The Break

In lieu of LOTS of recent fights with the fiance, I suggested a break. I learned a couple of things today: 1) many of us, including myself, do not believe in breaks (I knew this before but right now, I feel it is appropriate) 2) there are great misunderstandings between genders as to what a "break" in a relationship is.

Do you guys watch Friends? I hope you do, it's a delightful show. Anyway, Ross and Rachel start dating and they start having a lot of problems. Rachel decides she needs a break. To her, this means they simply do not talk for awhile. For Ross, a break means that the relationship is on pause but it is like a break-up so he can now go see/sleep with other people. And so he does... and then Rachel is devastated and hurt and angry. This whole fiasco is simply because of the differences in understanding between genders.

To me, a break is where the relationship is still intact, but the couple is simply not talking to each other for a time so that they can hopefully both do some thinking and reevaluating. To fiance, a break means that we are broken up. I cleared the air and explained what I was actually wanting in addition to calling it a break but he got all sorts of upset and angry because he thought I was breaking up with him (for the third time). Now, I get why he would be hurt, especially with it being the third time, but I feel like I was clear when I told him what I was expecting a break to be and what I needed from this time. After the air was clear and he was understanding that we are simply not talking for a few days/weeks we hung up the phone and that was that.

Not even 5 hours later, and as I was writing this post in rage, he called. The terms of the break was that I would call him when I have thought about my stuff and after I was ready to talk to him whenever that happened to be in the next few weeks. He called and told me he couldn't live without me. It's going to take some time for him to prove that to me because I am tired of not being treated right. However, I move forward with cautious optimism. I pray that our relationship works, but I know that I am strong and self-sufficient and I do not need a man. They are a blessing, and we learn a lot by being tied to another human being in such a way as marriage, but being single has it's blessings too.

Interesting turn of events, I really wasn't expecting any of that. I was literally just about to start on the last paragraph (starting with: "not even 5 hours later"; but it wasn't going to be written to start out that way...) and he called.

Y'all, please pray for me and pray for fiance. We need tender hearts to be able to serve each other and listen to the L-rd. We both need the L-rd, desperately.

Meanwhile, I could desperately use a break from school. I am beyond stressed out, my days are running together, and I have so many assignments due all the time! I ended up dropping my sexual assault class because I was getting nightmares and flashbacks. Needless to say, the Professor and Dean approved the dropping of the course. So, I now have more time!

New Roommate is so absolutely supportive. She listened to me rant and rave and be sad and depressed and angry and everything for about 2-3 hours today. She just sits there and listens and encourages me. She knows everything that has happened, watches me when I can't leave my bed for days on end, and she still has such a tender spot to try to help me through all of this by allowing me to ask her for what I need her to do. Oftentimes, I simply ask her to listen. Sometimes I ask her for advice and she helps to "nurse" me back to being semi-mentally healthy by helping me find ways to stay busy, encouraging me to spend time out of the house doing activities I enjoy, making sure I am eating and she even assessed my self-harm ideation status because she knows I've had a rough past, even though she didn't know how rough until she asked if I had ever had those thoughts. I am almost certain she has no idea I have tried to kill myself on several occasions back in 8th grade. Guys, she is so sweet and tender and I don't want to ruin her with my cynicism and anger at the world and at life. However, I am so beyond grateful for the way G-d has allowed her and I to meet each others needs when we both needed roommates and how we've been able to pour into each others lives with the love and G-dly advice only Believers can give to each other. Now, she is Catholic and I am Messianic Jewish, but we serve the same G-d and believe in the same Messiah. We are called to love each other and that is certainly what I plan to do because I absolutely adore her!

Senior Year of Nursing School

Folks, I have made it to my senior year of nursing school! I figured it would be a rough road but had no idea what kind of bumps I'd experience. Turns out school was the easier part, and it is still nursing boot camp. Seriously, nursing school is hard but so worth it.

This semester I am taking:

• Med/Surg "Capstone" (my fourth [and FINAL!] med/surg rotation)

• Community Health

• Jewish Philosophy

• Epidemic of Sexual Assault (It focuses on forensic nursing. I worry about this one because it is an entire course about rape and sexual assault. I can always drop it and I've always wanted to learn more about forensic nursing so I guess we'll see how the first couple of weeks go. I plan on emailing my professor to let her know that I have a personal history so that she can advise me to continue on or go ahead and drop the course.)

So, four classes. 2 have clinicals, one is on main campus (the nursing school is banished to the end of campus away from the normal people...), and one online class (the sexual assault one). We shall see how I do with 18 credits, my hospital night CNA job, and now a boyfriend/fiance in the mix. At least he works on the oil rigs and is gone for 1.5-2 months at a time and only home for 2 weeks in between those hitches (time he's away working).

I remember joking to my friends saying I would be okay with a boyfriend or husband that was home for a couple days and then gone for a few months. In marriage, that will be very difficult. While I am in school, this is highly advantageous for me because we have 30 minute phone dates each night and sporadic texting throughout the day and I have time to study and do what I need to do for school. Praise the L-rd! We will see how this juggling act goes; it may be a complete disaster or G-d may give me the strength and ability to make it work, we shall see.

Fiance surprised me by coming home early Friday. He has had a really difficult hitch. Cliff notes of the past 5-6 weeks for him include: a fellow employee almost killing my man by leaving him on an oil rig with no protection during a lightning storm, that guy then stole the company truck when he was fired for almost killing my man, there was an explosion and fiance saved two guys' lives by running back towards the fire to grab them, now he is being sued by the government for saving lives because it went against safety protocol. There were other delightful little gems in there too, but those are the major highlights.

Anyway, he found my roommate on Facebook and started trying to plan how he could surprise me when he came home. He told me he would show up at any time over the next few days, this was on Wednesday I think. I was freaking out! My roommate was a few states away until Thursday because she was visiting her boyfriend and I had been living in my same pajamas for a few days and slept nearly 18 hours a day most days. What if he came home and my hair was a mess and I didn't even have time to brush my teeth? Oh no! Once roommate got back (new roommate by the way, not the one from last year), we had a night to decompress from her trip and get our little routine started. I mentioned that he had spilled the beans that he might be surprising me and that he had said he might have Facebooked her. She said he had but that she wasn't going to tell me anything.

He texted me later Thursday night and told me he wouldn't be coming home that weekend like he thought because his boss wanted him to stay, but that he would be back next weekend. He apologized up and down all night (he worked night shift that hitch). I told him I understood and not to worry about it. I was thinking, "No big deal, he'll be back next weekend and I have a week to get school figured out before he comes home. Okay, we will make this work."

Friday, roommate and I woke up. She and I had planned to go to campus to get parking passes and textbooks before the mad rush of students would crowd campus this coming Monday. She also said she wanted to take me to lunch for taking such good care of her dog while she was gone for two weeks visiting her family and boyfriend. That wasn't a problem for me because she only had me pay half the rent for August in return for watching her dog and I took her dog up to my parent's house so that her dog and my dog could play. There is also a dog door which makes taking care of a dog really simple, as opposed to going for walks every 2 hours because we live in an apartment. So really, I got the better end of the deal. Anyway, she suggested a really expensive restaurant that fiance loves but had told me he wouldn't take me to yet because it is so pricey and it needs to wait until a special occasion. So I knew something was fishy there. I told her she already paid me for watching her dog and that going to lunch there was too expensive so I suggested we find another place to go. She insisted that "we have to go there." She is not a pushy person, so that was clue number two. When we were heading out she mentioned that she had a piano lesson (she teaches piano) in the area so it would be perfect for her to go to lunch there so that she wouldn't have to drive all the way back across town to go home. I asked her if I needed to drive separate so that I could go home after lunch and she told me not to worry about it. Clue #3. I decided not to push because I was already putting pieces together. When we got there and nobody else we knew was there, I brought up me needing a ride again. I asked her how I was going to get home? She said she would drive me home (across town). I mentioned that she had said she didn't want to because she had a lesson near the restaurant. She started blushing and told me to stop asking questions and that it would be alright. I win! I figured it out. So, about 15-20 minutes go by while my mind is racing but I try to keep the conversation going with her about how fiance had told me he wasn't coming home and she looked so sad because I was sad. Then I asked about her trip and we decided to go up to the salad bar and get ourselves some food. I got so distracted getting food and talking for the next 10 minutes that he came up behind me and gave me a hug and I had totally forgotten I was hoping he would come! It was a wonderful surprise and a great lunch. Roommate likes him and says he reminds her of her boyfriend.

She's a really sweet girl who found a guy with a good heart but ridiculously rough edges too. We find solace knowing each other's similar guy troubles because we are similar and our guys are similar. Yet, we both love our men, no matter how crazy they make us sometimes because we see the good in them and we see them trying to be sweet and tender for us.

Tonight the L-rd is giving my heart peace. I am anxious about tomorrow, but the troubles that plague my brain about the events that have happened this summer are set aside. He has taken them. Oftentimes He has to take them back from me daily, but it is getting easier to relinquish them each day. Forgiveness is also a daily battle that is getting easier each day. I am to a place where I believe that ExBoyfriend just made a mistake and I didn't fight hard enough to let him know I wasn't happy with what was going on. ExRoommate and I made mistakes that made us both sad and I am very sorry for that. The words that were spoken by the girls freshman year, my brother, ExRoommate's mom, and countless others over the years were just mistakes. It's all about each of us learning. That is what life is, right? Learning to let G-d have control of who we are and allowing Him to teach us how to model ourselves after His heart? I don't know, I don't know what life is. Right now I'm resigned to what it has become and I hope and pray that there is something more meaningful. I yearn for the day when the L-rd will tell me there was a bigger purpose to me going through this last summer and other people being able to be told that their life struggles (which are far greater than my own) have purpose and meaning. Who knows though? Only the Good L-rd knows and so I will keep my hope in Him and start getting my eyes and feet trained back to His path because I got a bit sidetracked and turned around.

Pioneer Woman in the Works

I got to help butcher a cow this weekend! I didn't think I would have the stomach for it, but I actually really enjoyed the whole process. Granted, I wasn't there for the killing, skinning, or de-gutting of the poor guy, but I finally saw how hamburger, roasts, and steaks are made from the different parts of the cow. Roommate and I have been given free reign of the brain so we're going to dissect it one of these days and I got to pick out the spinal cord, several arteries, and all sorts of fun A&P stuff. So cool!

Y'all should also know that the cow wasn't supposed to be killed this early in the season, but he got kicked by one of the horses at Roommate's Grandpa's ranch (the one we go riding at), so he was put out of his pain. Sometimes, if the break is low enough, they can heal and they'll end up making really tender beef. This break was really high, though, and would never heal correctly so the cow would end up dying slowly if he hadn't been killed. That's me rationalizing the whole death a little bit, but that doesn't help me a whole lot. Mostly, it was made easier just being separated from the killing and only dealing with the meat. That's why surgeons partition off the patient's face, to help compartmentalize their job from the actual person they're working on.

Tonight I talked myself into preparing a whole trout. It was already gutted from the store, but I took off the fins, decapitated it, and figured out how to get the scales off. Then I baked a couple up and they were actually pretty tasty! I even learned how to de-bone the thing after it was already cooked.

It's scary, but I might be able to be one of those domestic ladies someday... I might even be able to live on a cattle ranch and be able to slaughter my own chickens someday... That's gonna take a lot of time, but I think I'm pretty well cut out for this pioneer woman stuff!

Intense Weekend, I Could Have Died

I spilled the beans to Boyfriend yesterday about the ultrasound. I am not sure if I started it the right way, but I said everything I wanted to say and left out what I shouldn't have said, like about breaking up with him if it's really bad.

He took it like a champ. I think he saw that I was terrified and he knows I don't cry (hardly ever and NEVER in front of anyone else) but a couple tears threatened to stream down my face. He hugged me and I was able to hide it, so I thought, but he told me it was okay for me to cry. He's a worrier too, and I am not used to relying on anyone else for strength, but somehow I can with him and he stayed strong for me and encouraged me. He told me that we would go through this together and I believe that he will/would stick with me through whatever this is. That's new for me. I'm used to being the strength for my friends and for being there for them through/at doctor appointments and scary life things. I am not equipped to let someone else do that for me but I had one friend come with me to my ultrasound and I spilled my fears to her afterwards. I laid it all out on the table with Boyfriend. Mom has gotten all of the information from the very beginning for stuff that I never talk to anyone about.

When I was on my way to his new house this weekend with Roommate in the passenger's seat next to me, we hit black ice. We were on a paved country highway, I was going about 10 mph under the speed limit and we had just passed a few on-coming cars on the two lane highway (one lane each way). I corrected the car successfully about 3-4 times before we did a 180 and ended up in a ditch backwards. If we had been 10 feet further down the road we would have rolled the car and fell off a 15 foot drop off. If we had been a minute earlier we would have hit the oncoming car and I could have killed both of us and whoever was in that car. If we had been a minute later, we would have gotten hit by a semi truck. Roommate's step-dad and cousin were at their house and they came pulled us out. If they had been looking out of their window, they could have watch the entire thing! That's how close we were to them. Praise the L-rd for His hand on us and the scare of a lifetime but support seconds away. When I got back to their house I decided not to continue on to boyfriend's house and the L-rd whispered to my heart that He wasn't going to let me die just yet. With the health scare I am currently going through, that was surprisingly comforting for the moment and I was able to sleep through the night really well when I hadn't hardly slept the night before.

Last night at work I kind of helped save my patient's life! He was on an IV of 125 mL/hr and had not voided for about 12-18 hours because the doctor had the catheter pulled the day before. This is not logical to me but whatever. The pt has dementia and was combative. When I arrived he started coughing with a really wet cough and spitting out what he coughed up. The nurse was notified and he kept suctioning the pt but did nothing besides that. I had just learned about fluid overload in class so I already had my suspicions. Almost every patient on the floor last night was off the wall! There were bed alarms going off all the time and a bunch of sitter patients without sitters because we just didn't have enough staff and yet we were over staffed according to hospital parameters.

As the night progressed I kept pointing out the cough to my nurse and I kept sitting the patient up so that he could clear his throat, but he should have been NPO because he can't swallow right now. I pointed that out and it was dismissed. At about 0400 I checked the pt's O2 sat because I was curious how he was doing, even though I had just taken vitals an hour before. His O2 was 75%! I called the nurse and was told to slap 2L on him. He went up to 86% so I called again. Half an hour later another nurse comes in and tells me to turn it up. 4L only got him to 89% for a moment and then he started desat-ing really quickly. I run to grab a non-rebreather and cranked it up to 15L but that still only held him at 86-89% with me telling him to cough over and over.

Also at about 0400 we did a bladder scan and it showed he had 1000 mL+ of urine in his bladder. The nurse was called but he didn't come in until 0500. 1600 mL drained in a matter of minutes! The nurse was not in for the rest of the night to check on him even though I had continued to report things and the other CNA's (all of which are nursing students and there were 3 more CNA's in addition to me) told him they thought the pt was fluid overloaded. Nothing got done. When the day shift nurse came on she started to do stuff but quickly got pulled away to another emergency so the day CNA/sitter came in and we took over. She is a student nurse too so we called respiratory therapy and the RT that came up was impressed that two CNA's/Nursing Students handled everything the way that we had and we had gotten to the bottom of it when our nurses were too busy with other stuff.

Thinking back, I should have reported a lot more to my RN or gone to the charge, but it didn't occur to me to do so in the moment. I take a lot of the blame for my pt last night decompensating so much, but if I had not been in nursing school and hadn't checked his O2 an hour after vitals (normally spaced 4 hours apart) then it would have been so much worse. So, I go back and forth between believing it was my fault and being frustrated that I was not listened to. I will trust myself more next time and try to better advocate for my patient. He made it through the night and I am so beyond grateful that the L-rd taught me everything I needed to know in class before experiencing what I did last night. I'll have to tell my professor and clinical instructor about it tomorrow.

Talking to mom this morning, I learned she was diagnosed with endometriosis at about my age. I don't know why she didn't tell me before today, it would have been a handy bit of info about a month ago when I called her with my symptoms... Oh well. She told me she wasn't supposed to be able to have kids. I asked if that made her happy when she found out she was pregnant with me because I had grown up feeling guilty and thinking that I ruined her big life plans because she had a baby and then got married because I was born. She told me she was so excited and very shocked because she didn't think it could happen. I've been crying all day because it was the first time I realized that she wanted me from the very beginning and I have no reason to feel guilty about being born. I don't think I've cried so much since Country Boy died and that's be a year on March 30. Well, except maybe when I had a breakdown last semester and started hyperventilating, but that was still about Country Boy. I cried hardcore for at least 2 hours that day and then it was a pretty constant threat of the damn breaking and me crying at any point after that for a couple days.

She wanted me from the very start. She says I am a miracle because wasn't supposed to get pregnant. Then the doctors wanted her to abort because they thought I had a brain tumor and I wasn't supposed to live past 2. I've been in countless situations where I was supposed to die but I always come out without a scratch. Not even a single broken bone (well, my clavicle was broken when I was born but it fixed up real quick and I can't even tell). I could have died in the near crash this weekend but didn't. The L-rd kept me alive through at least 5 suicide attempts and the last one I had taken 50 pills that were either half ibuprofen and half acetaminophen or all acetaminophen, I can't remember. I know that 10 acetaminophen ended a girl, who was my age when I tried it, in the hospital and she was sicker than a dog when she was brought into the ER. The worst thing that happened to me is that I would sleep for about 14 hours and then wake up really tired.

I don't know why G-d is keeping me around, nor do I understand why He performs so many huge miracles for me all the time, but I'm sure glad He does. He whispered to my heart that he has big plans for me but in true G-d fashion, He won't tell me what those are. That makes me laugh though, every time.





Oh, and Nurse Dee, I don't know if you got my comment on your comment awhile back but I sure wish I could hug you. I don't like giving hugs but I give them to special people. We don't know each other in person, but you are such a blessing to me. Thank you for your continued encouragement and sound advice! I think I have found the balance, for now, between being a little bit worried and keeping busy. I will keep you updated and I will email you if something happens that I need extra support on. Thank you Nurse Dee, I truly appreciate your kindness and support through this past year or two. It means so much to me.

A Nalgene and a Half Later

I got an ultrasound done today. It was unbeknownst to me that one has to have a full bladder for an ultrasound to be done so I showed up after just having gone to the bathroom. Let's back up the story just a little bit, though.

The day started out at one of the hospitals that I work at for a day of playing hookie in order to attend a cardiac conference. Not a bad day! Especially because I did not have to do a careplan the night before or tonight because my instructor didn't feel like grading them! The conference allowed the clinical day to be cut short allowing me to get to my appointment (at the same hospital) early. Score!

We show up and ask to be taken early. They agree to do it. We wait for what must have been about 30 minutes to be taken back into the room, and that brings a whole set of fun question. Oh, and my nursing school buddy came along with me because she wanted to see what an ultrasound was like. She was the third person I explained my full symptoms to and I was not expecting to tell anyone but my mom and my NP.

So we get into the room and the ultrasound tech asks if I'm sexually active. No. She asks if I've gotten a Pap smear. I explain that my NP wouldn't do it so no. She then informs me that she was going to do an internal ultrasound but decided to do an external one because I am a virgin and have not experienced anything that invasive yet. Great.

Then I am asked to lay down so she can see how full my bladder is. It was teensy! I was instructed to drink as much water as I could so I down another Nalgene bottle (32 oz.) and a half in addition to the half Nalgene I had already consumed since last using the restroom. Keep in mind I have not eaten since 0630 and it's rounding on about 1330-1400. Anyway, my friend and I go back to the waiting room and she's drinking water with me to help me fill up my bladder.

Another 30 minutes and about 15 funny videos later, the tech comes back out to check my status and the ultrasound shows that my bladder is full enough! Yay!

So pants are unbuttoned and pulled down to just low enough to expose where my bladder and uterus are. The tech pours some warm jelly on the exposed area and starts pressing right where she needs to not press because I'm fixin' to lose all the urine in my bladder if she presses too hard. Pretty soon my uterus gets pointed out to me and it turns out I hang to the left, just a little bit. Haha, comedic relief is helping me get through this and I was slap happy because I was so nervous and I laughed for a solid 5 minutes at my own joke.

10 minutes of smooshing around above my full, and still filling bladder, and she started zooming in. Measurements were taken of each ovary and some labeling, no big deal. I noticed that one of my ovaries was black while the other was gray. She then went from traditional 2D ultrasound and switched to 3D. I thought nothing of it at the time, but the more I think about it, the more freaked out I get about that. It looked bigger, to me, and she looked through different levels of it with the 3D ultrasound thing. She didn't do that to the other one.

Being an ultrasound tech, she wasn't allowed to diagnose me or share the findings because she has to wait for the MD to look them over and then call my NP and then I may get the results at some point during the course of what feels like 80138474536947 years from now.

In the meantime, I'm trying to limit my panic attacks but that's not going well. I came straight home and peed, for the 3rd time in 30 minutes, and fell asleep on the couch. I don't know why because I got a solid 9 hours of sleep last night because I didn't have to do a careplan. Then I woke up from my map with a panic attack and a realization that she investigated the black ovary but not the gray one.

Boyfriend doesn't know about the ultrasound yet, I want to tell him so badly but I think it needs to be in person and after I get the results. We talked on the phone last night about a bunch of deep stuff and he asked what I would do if we found out that one of us was infertile. It was completely out of the blue and without knowing my fears of cancer/infertility/other scary things that I am experiencing right now. He told me I could think about it for a few day but I didn't need to. I responded saying that I had wanted to maybe adopt a kid or two anyway so we could just do that. He agreed and we moved on to more tough questions. Even after asking what brought him to ask that, he said it was just a though he had had but it was weird to me because I am actually terrified that may be my reality.

I'm struggling.

If I find out I have cancer or I'm infertile, I think I'm going to break up with Boyfriend. That's not fair to him to be stuck with me through that. We've been going out for a few days shy of a month and there's no reason for him to feel like he has to stay with me just because I am sick (if I'm sick) or through my (possible) infertility.

My heart is heavy, my mind is racing, I think I might explode.

I finally told my roommate about my symptoms. She knew I had gone to the doctor's and that they ran the STD panel, UA, CBC, thyroid test, and the ultrasound. But she asked why the did the ultrasound so I had to explain everything to her. I'm getting better about talking about things that normally make me really uncomfortable. That's likely, largely helped by Boyfriend helping me to discuss stuff I wouldn't mention before. You know, feelings, kissing, sex, marriage, etc. So Roommate knows and I've been freaking out to her a little bit but I hold off a lot because I don't want to bother her or my other nursing school buddy that I told about it with my problems and irrational fears.

I'm going to bed. Pray with me if you think about it.

Life Update

Man alive my life has been crazy busy lately! So, let's hit a few highlights.

1. Boyfriend finally signed on his house after having to be postponed weekly for about 2-3 months. So I went out to help him clean and paint but I didn't really help him, I just talked while he worked.
2. My med/surg clinicals are going okay. I failed a careplan because I didn't do my care map... ugh! That clinical day was ridiculous. I made careplans for 2 patients and I lost both by 1100 that day. So ridiculous! I lost one because the primary RN for that patient was being a preceptor for a new nurse and couldn't handle 2 students on top of that, which I understand. Then I lost the other one because he got discharged. So then I get to do two extra care maps on two brand new patients and I get to pass meds that I have no idea what they do because I didn't do a full caremap/medication chart for them. There were more frustrating things and I went through the entire day fully flustered, but I can't remember them right now because I have tried to block that day from my memory.
3. Roommate may/may not be upset with me. Between my long day of classes (8-4:30) on Tuesday, my late nights at the hospital doing careplans on Wednesdays (noon-6ish and then up until midnight to finish them), and my clinicals Thursday/Friday, I hardly see her anymore! Then she goes to her mom's on the weekends and I hang out with Boyfriend when she's gone. I sure hope I didn't upset her, and I try to invite her to stuff when Boyfriend and I do stuff or sometimes I invite her to stuff with her and I and maybe some other buddies of ours (without Boyfriend) but our friendship just feels a little on the rocks. I've asked her if it makes her uncomfortable when he's here but she says it's okay. I don't know, I miss her though!
4. Brother got a new job!... at a hookah place. Mom knows about it, dad doesn't know where he works, he just knows that Brother got a new job. So that might be a fun conversation to watch! Knowing Brother though, it probably won't be much of show because Mom didn't get upset with him when he told her he was smoking pot and none of his big news that it supposed to produce entertainment for me does! It's a real bummer!
5. Dad also got a new job! He had been self-employed for 20-25 years and he's been struggling with that for a very long time. He showed up at his buddy's place of employment one day to talk to the boss and he was hired right away! His buddy had been talking him up for months and the boss believed him so much that he didn't even require training for Dad, he just put him in a truck and let him go! Dad is so excited and happy all the time, I don't know that I've ever seen him so excited for anything. Plus, all of the ladies in the office and his fellow employees love him and think he is just the coolest thing since sliced bread and he has exceeded their expectations from what his buddy told them. That is hard to do ever, but especially in trucking! He now gets benefits, over-time, a regular paycheck that he doesn't have to track people down to get paid, and he's not so hard on his body as he was when he was a welder/fabricator/mechanic. I'm just as happy as a pig in mud about that! And he is too!
6. Dad gets two bullet points because G-d has answered so many prayers about him for me. It's taken years of praying, like, since I was a little kid and learned to pray. He's quit smoking, started working on his marriage with my mom, he got a job, he's happier, and he's understanding the beauty of Sabbath. My heart is just so full it could burst!
7. Mom called me and told me dad was acting weird. He had gone out to a fast food place and had to go in because they don't have a drive-through. Dad doesn't go to fast food without a drive through because he does not like talking to people and he feels like he's being stared at and judged (which I fully understand), because it's part of social phobia (which I have, which is why I understand). Anyway, he went in and called Mom to see if she wanted anything. That doesn't happen either! They've both been in a marriage but acting independently for several years. They were married at the end of the month that I was born, about three weeks after I entered the world, and they did the whole co-dependent marriage relationship thing for awhile. Then, slowly, they started doing their own laundry, sometimes making their own supper at night, etc. They are still married, still live together, still share the same bed, but they were not fully a team. So the fact that dad asked if he could bring her something home was a big deal because that had not been done in several years. So she explained all this to me and then said he had done dishes for her (also not done in a long time) and he was calling just to see how she was doing, etc. I laughed because to me, it sounded like he was doing the Love Dare from the movie Fireproof. The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that he may be doing it or at least just trying to be sweeter to her. She told me she had been a little ornery to him and I told her to be nice because I thought he was doing the Love Dare and that I had prayed for them to get closer in their marriage for a long time. I think she may have started crying because her voice changed like it does when she cries (she cries when she's happy, sad, confused, at dog commercials, EVERYTHING!). That was all a few weeks ago. As far as I know, their communication is increasing/improving and they are both being nicer to each other and hopefully getting closer with each other. Another reason my heart is getting fuller and fixin' to burst!
8. All the nursing stuff I though I lost through my semester of Mental Health is not lost at all! I am really loving med/surg because I am understanding things that were difficult before and I feel like an actual nurse! I keep impressing my clinical instructor, when she least expects it, and I'm able to shout out answers in lab that nobody else knows because I seem to be decent at this nursing thing! Even nursing for adults!!!

Sweetness Turned Bitter

This weekend was really eye-opening. It was a little bit crazy. My head is still spinning and my heart is a little bit broken. Let's explore why, shall we?

Friday I went on another date with the new fella. I was sick so we mainly just drove around town. He stopped and helped some people who had gotten their car stuck on a back-road but they weren't listening to his advice, even though he is a mechanic, and so we left. He was supposed to sign the papers for his house that day but they ended up pushing that back for the billionth time but he got the keys to his house. Oh, and Roommate's sugar glider died while she was babysitting. I found him dead when I got back from the date. I feel really bad because that is the second small animal that has died on my watch in the past few months. He was doing okay until I went to feed him and he was super lethargic so I think he might have had a really bad electrolyte imbalance or an infection of some sort.

Saturday he had to work in the morning so he swung by and picked me up after work. He helped me get the dead critter out of his cage and get him all comfy for burial. Then I cleaned up the cage and took it all with us out to Roommate's house (which is near his place). We drove out to his current place. I met his grandparents. They took us to lunch and then we went out and saw his new place. It's a really nice house and his grandparents are so adorable! Then he brought me back into town and we went to Brother's house so they could meet, the local feed/clothing store, the home improvement store to look at paint and appliances for his house. That was kinda funny because people kept asking me if I needed help but I'm not even the one buying the house or the appliances. I think they thought we were engaged or married because I had my purity rings on my left hand ring finger... He took me to dinner and we played pool for awhile. Then I had him take me home because I was exhausted and I wanted him to be able to have a decent chance at sleep. But I swung by brother's house so I could talk the day over with him real quick.

When he brought me to Roommate's mom's house to drop off the critter, New Fella was acting really weird. He told me that he had taken Roommate's cousin on a couple dates and didn't want to see her so I let him stay in the car. There was a family gathering in the house and the cousin was there. When I walked in I was getting death glares but I ignored them because I didn't think I had done anything wrong. Little did I know, New Fella started talking to me the same time he started talking to Roommate's cousin. He took her on a couple dates right before he started taking me on dates. He explained all of this in the car ride on the way back to town (45 minute drive) and all of the puzzle pieces started falling into place. He kept saying things to me on the first couple dates that were just off but I brushed them aside because he had been drinking the night we met. Turns out he was just confusing the two of us.

Oh, but it gets better! Right after he explains all of this to me, we go walking around the feed store. Guess who we run into in the store! Go ahead, guess! The cousin's mom. Guess who we parked next to... The cousin's mom and the cousin's dad was in the truck! Guess who just so happened to be driving the exact way we needed to be going to get to Brother's house... You're so smart, the same people! New Fella was flustered and super red all over. I thought it was funny at the time, but the more I think about it and talk with Roommate, the more it bugs me. Why was she so convinced the relationship was going so well that she called him her boyfriend after only a couple of dates? I know what it is like to be the other girl in this situation and I got so mad! You know who did it to me? If you've been reading and maybe keeping track with my roundabout thought process, you'll know that's what Country Boy did before I stopped talking to me and he died shortly after that. I don't need trouble with Roommate's family and his grandmother works with Roommate's mom at the town bank. I went to a dance New Year's Eve and I get dropped into a huge, dramatic ordeal after only talking with this boy for maybe three weeks. Is this the L-rd telling me it's a no-go? The L-rd already told me it wouldn't last and I prayed for signs for the New Fella (NF) because that's what NF goes off of instead of prayer and hearing from the L-rd.

Recap of why Saturday was rough: Sugar Glider died and I had to take it to Roommate's house to be buried. This uncovered huge drama with the cousin.

Today (Sunday) I slept in and then he came back into town to go to an antique store with his cousin and the cousin's girlfriend. It was pretty fun! But we were clicking so well and now something feels wrong. It all just feels wrong which sucks because it was going really well. It was easy to talk about liking each other. It was easy to hold hands and just chill. It was easy to share some of my secrets with him. We agree and give the same answers to so many questions that we ask each other to get to know each other. It was easy but it just feels heavy now.

I need to talk with him and explain my situation but I have a hard time bringing up these tough conversations. Things were getting good, we were meeting each others friends and families. We were discussing hypothetical children and fake weddings. I am currently helping him situate his house and get it decorated.

If this is the end I don't want to wait forever for another guy to come along. I have been praying for years, I have gone through some pretty heavy stuff to get to this point and I was so excited that I am happy. I am the traditional kind of happy because I finally met a guy that has a ton of things in common with me and we mesh so much better than Country Boy and I did. I finally felt cherished by a human guy and I just started to understand why people act funny when they find a significant other.

Even though I don't want to wait forever for another guy, I also don't know that this is completely right. It's hard feeling like I have something that I've wanted for so long dangled in front of my face only to have it snatched right back after only a couple of weeks. It's hard to know that I will have to blindly trust the L-rd to either bring me someone else or allow me to be single for another frickin' long season of life, it feels like this is my millionth long and tough season of trusting. I'm heavy with disappointment and yet I am still talking with New Fella as if everything were okay because I haven't gotten enough courage built up to bring up the hard stuff.

Well, that's not what I expected.

Y'all remember the date I was going to go on? It ended up getting cancelled because of weather. The guy lives about an hour outside of town and his town was getting hammered with snow and the roads were really icy so we decided to postpone. My heart sunk a little when he texted me that but we ended up talking anyways, well, texting. I am really looking forward to going out with him and I hope he really is too. Besides the panic attacks and bad nervousness that is typically accompanying me, I am not normally one to get worked up or excited about boys. This guy, though. Let's just go over my schedule from the time he asked for my number until now.

We danced. He asked for my number. We danced again. We went to a party and DOMINATED beer pong (remember, I was cheating a little bit by not drinking...). I wait two painful days for him to text me and I worried the whole time that he didn't really think I would be worth the time or that he had forgotten me entirely. He finally texts. He asks me out for the next night. I clean house all day, scrubbing almost every inch of our apartment to keep my nerves at bay and to hopefully get it all ready for him to see it. Date got cancelled and my heart sunk. We texted back and forth for hours anyways and found a lot of common interests. He texted me again this morning and we talked for a solid three or four hours before I decided I needed to take a nap before work tonight. Now I'm waiting to get called into work and updating you on my life which was a lot more interesting from my vantage point before blogging it... I need to learn how to tell stories better.

This guy has me staying up for hours at night because I can't stop thinking about him and I keep waking up early. He's in my dreams and I keep replaying the times we danced and hung out even though it was super short-lived. Am I blowing this all out of proportion? Is he going to regret going out with me if/when he discovers he's not going to get a kiss from me unless we get hitched? Roommate's mom was talking him up the whole time I was at her house and I've heard so much about him. I distinctly remember he telling me that she approves of us dating (which is big because she's like family now) and that he would "treat me like a queen." He's pretty much the most wanted eligible bachelor in the three-town area he hangs out in. He's not scared of marriage and he was engaged for a while but they broke up this summer though I haven't heard why. He's giving me butterflies and I'm dreaming about him but can't decide if it's the idea of a sweet country boy liking me or if there is really something here. He's got a great job, he's fixin' to buy a house (in the town I have been dreaming of living in since I was little), and he seems really smart. He likes going to museums which I'm hoping means he likes learning. He likes going to antique stores and is planning on decorating his house with antiques which I think will require tremendous amounts of patience. He can fix a lot, from what I've gathered about his job as a mechanic/everything man. He grew up in the country, on a farm, and knows how to handle animals and crops. Plus, on top of everything else, I think he's pretty stinkin' cute.

This whole thing also brings up a lot of insecurities. Will he decide I'm not worth his time or money? Why did the engagement get broken? Will this make going to the town dances awkward if it doesn't work out? Will he pressure me to break my boundaries? Does he go to church? I know I can ask him that, but I just haven't yet because I'm scared of the answer.

Will I be enough?

I know you have read all this in a lot of my posts and I keep hoping and working to make these fears subside, even if just by a little bit. Will they ever even go away?

It's a Happy New Year Indeed!

Let me tell you a story about my New Year's Eve. It was so fun!

We decided to go out to Roommate's mom's house after I had worked to night. No big deal because I got to sleep for a couple of hours in between.

We headed out to her place around 5 with no big complications. There was a small dinner at her mom's house before we all headed to the dance. So, it was Roommate, her mom, the step-dad (he's is so cool, I just love him to pieces!), Roommate's cousin, and two of that kid's cousins on the other side of his family tree (just roll with it). Oh, plus me. Already we have a recipe for a great night because these people are so fun.

We get to the dance about an hour after it began with a different one of Roommate's cousins because we had to jump over to the next town to get soda. That's how small this town is, there isn't a gas station or grocery store for at least 9 miles down the road.

The dance is fun and we're all just hanging out in a big circle in the back with my uncle and aunt and some other people I've never met before.

At midnight Roommate agreed that we would start a new single girl tradition of giving each other high-fives because we have nobody to kiss (and I avoid kisses like the plague, but for very different reasons!) A little while later a guy comes up and asks me to dance. He is such a good dancer! He asked for my number after the first dance and then we danced a few more songs. Also, he smells really good even after dancing for hours before finally asking me onto the floor. That's a super great bonus!

So, excellent night right? We closed the city hall down, which is where the dance was at, around 2 a.m. I was so tired I was begging to go home but I got talked into going to another party. I was told we would only be there for 30 minutes. That was a lie. We left around 4 a.m.! However, the party was super fun. I didn't drink when I was there but I won three games of beer pong in a row! Every time the other team got the ball in a cup and it was my turn to drink I would pour it into a different cup and they didn't even notice! Ya, they were way too far gone. I feel like a cheater but... I wasn't about to get sick or do something silly just because I had been drinking. Hey, the guy was there and we won a game together! I need to come up with a name for him...

Fast-forward to about 0400 today and he finally texted me! I thought he had forgotten about me or didn't actually care that he got my number. Well, turns out he remembered me and we are going on a date tomorrow (tonight because it is now 0138). I'm too excited to sleep and I even took all my herbs to help with sleep, plus magnesium, plus melatonin...

Bonus #2! Roommate gets to come with me and it's going to be a group date because I was really nervous it would just be the two of us. Phew! I won't have to sustain a conversation the entire night by myself. We are going to go to dinner and bowling and though I am okay at beer pong, I am terrible at bowling so hopefully he doesn't dislike me just because we lose. I already warned him but nobody ever understands the severity of my badness until they experience it for themselves first-hand. Ah well, I will let you know how it goes tomorrow and maybe he'll even get a better nickname for this blog!

Daily Thanksgiving: Roommate gets to come with me on my first date and I had a blast dancing on New Year's Eve! Most importantly, G-d brought me through 2014. I think this was one of my roughest, if not the roughest year of my life so far but G-d allowed me to survive. He brought me through! I pray that 2015 goes much better for me and all of you out there. Happy New Year!

I think I will try to give a synopsis of my 2014 tomorrow, if I remember. I'll also let you know how the night goes with him and then maybe I'll tell you a bit more about him. Teaser: he's pretty cute and he seems to have his life together fairly well. He's a really good dancer and so far he's super sweet while also being able to be upfront instead of beating around the bush. He also instigated the whole thing and asked me out after only meeting me once instead of hoping I would ask him after months of only texting each other. All things I was looking and hoping for so we'll see! Pray for safety for both of our hearts, his understanding of my weird boundaries, and fun, lots of fun.

Lying is the Easy Part

"Are you okay" - Beauty (I have talked about her before but she just now got a nickname. She's my super pretty friend from freshman year dorms who made it into nursing school with me.)

"Ya." - Me when I'm really thinking no.

My weekend went fine. On Friday I visited my old neighborhood and all my neighbors were hanging out watching football. They asked what my boyfriend's name was (just wondering if I had one) and I told them I tried having a bf for a little bit but decided that was a bad idea (in a joking manner). I was psycho-analyzed Saturday at shul then visited my Brother. He pretty much pointed out I am probably going to turn out to be a cat-lady which sucks because I'm allergic to cats so they would likely suffocate me in my sleep. Sunday went by without a hitch until I had to go to work. They called me off then called back 20 minutes later with a "Just kidding! We just decided we need you." Fan-frickin-tastic, I have a test tomorrow I need to study for!!! I hardly got a break all night. The first four hours consisted of me keeping an Alzheimer's patient from escaping and the nurses (he had 2 because 1 was training for the floor but was already an established nurse) waited until the charge nurse had to call security on the patient because he was getting aggressive. After they got him some Ativan I was floated to another floor to watch 4 patients. They were more or less spazzing out, having panic attacks, and asking for sleeping meds repeatedly from different staff members because the nurse had already exhausted his meds.

From that crazy night I went home, changed, then headed to school for a test. I thought I did okay until we took a group test so that we could see how we did and get a couple extra points towards our test grade. After we did that I figured out that I pretty much failed the test...

After class my friends dragged me to lunch at a place downtown because we had been planning to go out and catch up before I had been having a bad day. The food was okay but the conversation got weird because they asked about each other's relationships and then asked me how my roommate was "because that's the relationship I'm in right now". Their words, not mine. Good news, Beauty is planning her post-grad life with her boyfriend and likely soon-to-be fiance. Big Red is fixin' to get engaged once her boyfriend sells his motorcycle. Everybody's lives are moving on and people have such big plans and it's plain to see that I don't. I don't have a relationship, exciting life plans, or any other noteworthy conversational pieces to share. That's normal for me and I can typically cope with that until it's pointed out hundreds of times in a weekend by all the people I love.

So, when Beauty asked me if I was okay yesterday after lunch and today during class I said I was. I wanted to tell her no. I wanted to tell her that my depression is getting deeper and deeper. I want to explain what is going on in my head and the pain in my heart and the fact that life is such a struggle for me right now. I wanted to tell her, but she wouldn't understand. Therefore, it's simply easier to lie.

Fantastic Weekend Review

Hey y'all, how was your weekend? I hope it was fun, or at least relaxing.

Mine was super fun. After going to the barbeque that I kinda initiated... I got to spend nearly an entire day with my Mema. Oh goodness, I LOVE her!!! We drove about 2 hours to go look at the leaves that are changing colors and scoped out some camping spots for next summer with the whole extended family. Super exciting and it killed my back sitting for nearly 5 hours cramped in a car. That's one of the only times I wish I had a little bit shorter legs. That and the fact that I'm taller than most guys... Therefore I tower over the cutie pies I may/may not crush on and I would like to find a guy that's a bit taller than me. I don't know why that's a thing, but I want to feel petite and feminine next to a guy and not like a frickin' giant.

Anywho, I also got to ride horses for about an hour and the horse kept running! Oh my goodness I should have shortened those stirrups. Since I didn't, but bum is a bit sore because I couldn't stand in the stirrups to prevent bouncing up and down about a foot with each horse step. I almost felt like I was going to get thrown too because I was not prepared for the horse to start running, he just took off!

Well, Roommate's mom loves taking pictures. I HATE being in pictures. I loose the argument with her every time because I just adore her! So, I took a picture with Roommate Mama's boyfriend (of 10 years). He's awesome. Really, they have an amazing family. Later that night this picture was posted on the boyfriend's Facebook page. About 5 minutes later he gets a call. Keep in mind it is about 9 at night and where we're from, it's not okay to call after 9 unless it's an emergency. The call was from his nephew and the nephew was asking who I was. He told the boyfriend I was "hot" and some other very flattering descriptive phrases that I was not informed about. Haha, that made me feel significantly better after them silly high school boys told me to try harder. I wasn't even wearing make-up in the picture and my hair was all wind-blown from having ridden horses. So, while I should not be so easily upset and encouraged by these little comments, I am just now coming into being noticed by guys and noticing them back. Plus, the guy that was diggin' on me is a few years older and has a bigger pool of girls and still thought I was worth a "double take". Good thing it was dark when they told me because I was blushing all over!

My brother got a girlfriend. Have I told you about that yet? She got him to smoke pot less and he doesn't drink as much, so that's good. He took the new girlfriend to meet my mama over the weekend without warning mom that the girlfriend was coming. Nobody is telling me anything besides the fact that it went okay. I'm kinda hoping that there are some better stories than that but I guess I'll just have to dig some more this week.

I'm gonna go try to be productive today. We'll see how far that gets me. Also, I think I need to come up with better nicknames for Roommates family... Maybe that's what I'll do today.

Homecoming Weekend

This is my second post of the day because I had quite a busy weekend.

It started off freezing cold because apparently the place I live can't smoothly transition between seasons, it just kind of kicks in and out for awhile until people get used to it and then it starts changing again. So, we were supposed to go ride horses but ended up calling that off to stay home and bake some delicious zucchini bread and brownies. Dude, my roommate can bake and cook like a pro! Maybe I could learn how to cook well for my future husband (hopefully a cowboy but we'll see...)

Then we watched a movie. By we I mean her while I fell asleep on the couch because I had worked the night before. I got about 30 minutes in before my 12-year-old cousin came home from school. He lives across the street from her, but really he kinda lives at her house too because that kid is so social! My dad and his two brothers all got that social gene and passed it to their sons, but I got none of it. Seriously, I am about as social as a cactus.

Then it was time for the high school volleyball game! I miss playing volleyball even though I wasn't super great at it. This high school was the one my dad and his brothers went to. Well, technically, they tore his down a couple of years ago and built a new one, but some of his teachers still work there. It's weird going places that my dad and grandparents used to go and feeling that sense of past, but not actually being able to have that as my past too. Since I can't go back in time, I figure I will just live vicariously through my cousins and Roommate's cousins as they go through high school there. I can't experience everything, but I'm starting to get a taste of what my dad got to do.

Later we went to a bonfire and the football game was the next day. It was so fun! The more I go out there, the more jealous I get that I wasn't able to grow up out there where my cousins get to live and experience because they get the life that my grandparents and uncles got and especially what my dad got.

On the plus side, I got to chill with my two uncles a whole bunch this weekend and even got to drive on of my uncle's trucks in the town parade! Ya, it was pretty cool.

Just before coming back home to the city we had to go round up a steer that had gotten loose. He managed to get into a field with a a whole bunch of other cows and a bull. Dude, I tore my jeans-my only pair of jeans and they were actually really cute and sparkly on the pockets-climbing over the barbed wire, electric fence. Then we had to walk around the whole herd to get them into a smaller pen in order to then trailer the single steer because he was a little crazy and doesn't like doing anything alone. The bull I mentioned before was staring me down the whole time. My Roommate and her cousin warned me to try to run if he started charging at me, but that did little to calm my nerves at being sized up by a huge animal with loads of testosterone and a couple of horns! Due to the way guys work, we ended up working harder than we should have because they refused to listen to us girls and also did not fully think the whole plan through before implementing it. Needless to say, we finally got the steer separated and life went on.

Now I really want cattle. I wanted cattle before, but now I need them just like I now need  horses and goats and sheep and chickens and every other type of animal I can get my hands on. Hopefully someday I can get some land, critters, and a cowboy who actually can teach me how to care for such animals. Until then, I will take all the exposure I can get with them. I pray I do not find myself on the business end of a bulls horns though, I don't need that much experience.

The Great Debate: Does this sound like flirting?

A few nights ago we decided to keep Roommate's dog (a chihuahua) at our apartment for a couple of nights to see how it would work out if we decide to pay the pet rent and keep her with us. Her mom had driven into town to see us, which is about a 45 minute drive from their country home to where we met. We were not expecting to keep the puppy with us but we both love critters and were missing the joy dogs bring.

Long story short, we needed some supplies for the dog. So, on the way home we stopped by the local Walgreens and picked up a can of dog food and a dish brush. Now, the brush was for the sugar glider's cage so we could clean it easier.

Anywho, we bring our items to the cashier and he just looks at us and asks, "Really? A dish brush and a can of dog food?" That's all he said.

I responded, "It's been a weird day..." At which time my roommate and I both giggled a little to keep from exploding in laughter and looked at each other.

Now, Roommate's mom thinks he was flirting. I, however, think he may have been high or something. But, if that was his attempt at flirting, he needs to work on that because I totally did not get it!*

*Note: It's beside the point that I don't know what flirting is...

Can I rant again?

After several months of searching my town for a new and cheaper housing option with my new roommate, we came up empty. Instead,  we decided to stay at the apartment I had shared with my brother just so that we would have a place that was permanent.

I like this apartment but they jacked up the prices WAY too much! At first they wanted me to go from $845/month to $970/month. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?! Seriously, what makes them believe they are ever going to get that amount? That's just insane, especially considering that they were only going to charge $940 for a brand new renter to start a lease.

We waited a few months and looked around until they came down to $930 and I convinced them to let me sign for that new signers amount. I had called to renew and then they emailed me to confirm our conversation. That email got "lost" for a few weeks and they called me in a panic saying they were going to make me pay about $1080 a month if I didn't call back to tell them to renew the lease. Ridiculous. In that time, however, the price of my apartment dropped again by another $25-30.

I checked online to make sure and then I asked them in the email what the going rate was for at that time. They told me I would be able to renew @ $970 again. No, that's not happening. So I forwarded the email that confirmed my price without wanting to fight them anymore and realized right after I signed the lease that I should have called in (but I was camping and had no service in addition to it being a weekend after the office was already closed) and gotten them to give me the $905 it was being advertised for on their site.

Promptly after realizing that, I emailed them to ask why they didn't inform me of the actual price and gave me a grossly inflated price. That was about a week ago and they still have not replied.

Now I am just ridiculously angry and they are fixin' to get the gnarly end of a strongly worded phone call. Well, I say that but I can never be angry on the phone because I don't like to frustrate other people or hurt their feelings. But it is not okay to be taking advantage of people just because you assume they don't know any better than the information you give them!

I am so tired of people taking advantage of me. Praise the L-rd that He is teaching me how to stand up for myself while still being nice and considerate and not just a raging lunatic. The stress in my life was overwhelming before and now it is just absolutely unbearable. Summer is not supposed to be like this!!!

I've been laughing all afternoon...

My brother is moving out tomorrow... well, he moves out officially tomorrow, he's already staying there tonight. Not really a huge deal, he warned me a number of months ago. He is breaking our agreement for the lease but that's another story.

So, he brought a buddy over to help him load his mattress today. We sat around talking for a little bit, loaded the mattress, not a big deal. At the end of their visit, our conversation stumbles across a path I did not know existed. My brother mentioned that he was moving out because I kicked him out. I did not recall ever doing such a thing which made him really defensive. "You kicked me out!" I asked him what I said and when. He was unable to answer that question and just kept replying that I kicked him out. He didn't say how or when or anything else besides he is moving out because I forced him to leave. I am thinking that he told that story to all of his friends and got mad because I called him out on it in front of another friend. They both proceeded to leave and left me all alone.

I was super mad. Like, super beyond angry. I don't know that I've ever been so mad at him or at a certain set of circumstances. So, I decided to be "productive." I pulled a Miranda Lambert (reference "Baggage Claim" and "Gunpowder and Lead" and really many of her songs to get an idea of what I was acting like). I started packing all of his stuff. Sure, he'll probably be mad and shocked tomorrow but hey, you want to tell people I'm kicking you out? Then fine! I will make sure that your belongings are ready to go first thing in the morning and you can leave me behind in a cloud of dust to figure out this mess you have now left me in. Now I have to find a roommate and pay YOUR rent that you agreed to pay when I signed the lease (because you were a minor at the time) but are now skipping out on. He said he would help with his part of the rent until the lease is up but I don't see that happening.

Needless to say, I went a little nuts. However, I finally understand why women (people) throw all of the boyfriend's/husband's things on the front lawn when they do something soooooooo stupid that it warrants them getting kicked out of their own house. I came pretty close to that myself but G-d didn't let me remember that people do that while I still had the energy to do anything. So, it's all just piled up in the living room.

I didn't even need a gun because sometimes that isn't as effective as going insane on someone and letting them sort through their own feelings. Just don't do us wrong though because we love with all that we are but when you cross us... Boy howdy you better be getting ready for WAR. I love him but this just took it too far. I feel like I have turned 73 cheeks to him to keep getting slapped. I think I have forgiven him and helped him even when he has done me wrong (thought I probably haven't done it right). But I am not going to be a doormat that he can use as the butt of every joke with his friends. I won't take his rumors quietly.What's more is that he wants me to meet his friends. That was before he informed me that he has been spreading rumors so that I now seem like some terrible, awful, evil, mean sister. I ain't meeting his friends just so that they can have dinner conversation about how I seem compared with Brother's account of me. That just ain't gonna happen!

The struggles of college and siblings...

More on the roommate front later. Actually, I hope to inform y'all about it tomorrow.

Loose Interpretations

I've been looking on Craigslist for potential roommates because that seemed like a good idea and I have noticed that people have different interpretations of just about everything.

"Huge room with view!" Translation: the bedroom is about 2 inches squared using a generous measuring system and it overlooks the neighbors window.

"Nice house with BRAND NEW appliances." Translation: nothing has been changed since the 1800's and the house could collapse on top of you while you're sleeping.

"Nice neighborhood." Translation: it's in a part of town that even cops refuse to visit.

No, it was not my idea to look for a roomie on CL. I know that it is all sorts of bad ideas because there is no real way to know them and there are murderers and other people waiting to do unsavory things to the poor people that fall into their traps. My friend talked me into it. Let's call her Big Red because she is the tiniest petite little lady I've ever met, but she has red hair. Anyway, that's what she and I did during class this week when my teacher decided to call on me TWICE during the class time. I had no idea what she was asking or what we were doing but I survived. I'm getting better at pretending that I know what I'm doing even though I hardly ever have a clue.

I turned in my letter stating I will be leaving my apartment when my lease is up. That's pretty scary because I have nowhere that I am planning to go, yet... Oh L-rd, I trust You and I REALLY need a place to live with good roommates that won't make life miserable and preferably a lot of space. It would be fantastic if they decided that they liked me and we could be buddies. That would be a miracle. I believe miracles happen and I desperately need several of them... simultaneously... pronto.

G-d doesn't move on our time frames. He's not our genie or Santa Clause or our servant. It's a good thing He isn't because life would be awful and the World would be a huge mess with everyone getting everything they ever wanted whenever they wanted it. Can you imagine? Yikes.

Death, Dying, and Suicide

Today has been a really weird day. It is my clinicals day, so I was at the hospital just going through my routine...

0600 arrive at hospital
0645 stand-up
0700 vitals
0800 assessment on assigned pt, help nurse with her other vitals
0900 med pass, get pt breakfast

You get the idea. I was just going along, minding my own business.

Then, out of nowhere, Country Boy comes and sits down to start charting at the computer next to me! But wait, he's dead. After a double/triple/quadruple check, I noticed it was a doctor that looked just like him! Down to the facial hair, height, and his voice sounded a lot like him too. Not to mention that the way he walked and his personality were so much like CB it was insane.

Needless to say, I nearly had a freakin' heart attack. No joke. My heart was doing all sorts of weird rhythms, I got faint (even though I was already sitting down), I got flushed, nauseous, my ears started ringing, my eyesight went kinda tunnel vision-y, and then all the emotions from when I was first coping all came rushing back. It felt like a train just smashed into me head-on. I nearly lost it and could have started crying if I hadn't been conditioned to not cry in front of others.

Y'all, I thought I was doing well. I go to sleep thinking about him still. I wake up still thinking about him. Throughout the day things randomly remind me of him, so I start remembering him that way too. Still, I haven't been as bad as I was the first few days. After being able to knock myself out with a Tylenol PM and sleep my weekend away, I was beginning to focus on my pain and anger less. I thought that meant I was coping better with the whole situation. Turns out, I was just too busy with school and being embarrassed about my awkwardness with my IT boss to remember how badly this hurts. I got a rude wake-up call today with that doctor/Country Boy impersonator.

1030 a pt goes down for proceedure
1100 more meds
1115 primary starts blood transfusion and has to stay with pt for 15 minutes while I run around watching her rooms because we have 1 CNA for the entire floor (poor lady!)
1215 pt comes back from procedure and I help transfer her from gurney to bed
1245 I finally leave that pt's room to answer call lights and IV alarms going off (they just got brand new IV pumps that nobody knows how to work and they ALL insist on making as much noise as possible all at the same time
1345 I finally get a break and look at my phone... oops

So, I buried my head in my work and my nurse's work all day. I was so busy that I couldn't go to lunch with the rest of my clinical group at 1130 and my professor got upset with me. Well, that's what I've heard from several sources who also sent me multiple texts while they were with her. My phone was in my pocket and I was trying to figure out how to juggle the 8233479085847526458787 things that were all requiring my attention at the precise moment I needed to go to lunch. 2 hours later I finally got a break, checked my phone and... oh man, a billion texts and a missed phone call. Maybe I should have just ditched my primary RN and gone to lunch?

I took a lunch. I sat down, rested, had my food, and drank a bunch of water. It's not like I'm going to pass out from not eating and I'm not going to work too hard somewhere where I am essentially free labor so that I don't get any breaks and cannot get away to pee. My time for that will come when I can write my name with RN following and I have that nice paycheck and all the responsibility to complete all the patient tasks on my own. Why does my professor think I won't take care of myself? I don't even talk during lunch and it's almost harder for me to go to lunch because one of my old roommates (the one that REALLY didn't like me) and I just get nasty comments and dirty looks. That's no way to spend a lunch break. It gives me stress ulcers and heart palpitations just thinking about that torture.

For those future nursing students out there, that is what clinicals sort of looks like. Keep in mind that it was just a full moon a couple of days ago so there were behaviors today and a lot of extra work that has not been present any of the other 3 days that I've had clinicals so far. But, now you might be able to get a better picture of what you do at clinicals.



I just remembered why I titled this post as I did. The subject of suicide, death, and dying keeps coming up today and for the past week since I found out about CB taking his own life. Today, in particular, we talked about it in our clinical post-conference. I am reading about suicide in my developmental psych study guide. And I was again confronted with my mourning for CB. All of this, in addition to my already ridiculously stressful week, has just pushed me under. Guys, it's only Wednesday!

In Deep Trouble

Have I mentioned that my brother is moving out?

With this, I get the pleasure of scrambling around looking for a roommate in the next couple of months before he moves out with his buddies because his name is not on the lease, only mine is. We also know how well I did the last time I had to live with strangers. (If you don't, I'll tell you it got UGLY.)

Super.

My Lesson in Forgiveness

I have had a really ironic life, thus far. Many of those stories I have shared with y'all because many times the irony of life holds a message from G-d. This story started with a prayer...

I prayed to forgive my ex-roommates and the people that I have held grudges against from my whole life. 2 of my 3 ex-roommates got into the nursing school. We are in a group of 44 people who made it into the program this semester and we will be taking classes together for the next 3 years. Today, one of my professors informed us that we would be working in groups. These groups were determined randomly by her computer. 10 groups from 56+ people (because of the nursing students and some students who made the wait list for the program) and guess who I am put into a group with? The girl I need to learn to forgive. Ya, you know that hot flash that happens when you get really scared? I had that for a looooooooong time after learning my group. I texted her to find out some more specifics about the project and she replied and used a smiley face but she is also the one that flipped me off the last night of school before summer vacation so I don't really know what that means.

First semester there were the two girls who came to our university together from the same high school and they roomed with each other. We had the most problems together, primarily between one girl and I. The third roommate stayed out of the whole mess relatively well because she hardly left her room. I learned, shortly after our problems came to a head, that the third girl had been spreading rumors that I had been bad-mouthing and personally attacking the two girls that went to high school together. Second semester, one of the pair had texted their mom that they wanted me and the third girl to move out because we were staying in our rooms a lot. *In my defense, I have always been severely introverted and highly anti-social my whole life and I explained these things to them at the beginning of that semester (spring). They said they understood.* By accident, that text got sent to me instead of to her mom. About two week later, I moved out. Things were awkward but not as bad as they had been when I was living with them. By the end of the semester, I was saying "hey" when I passed by them and they would smile slightly or just ignore me, but it was better than getting dirty looks. Then, on the last day of school, one of the pair flipped me off. I have a feeling our third roommate had been telling them rumors again.

So, I need to ask for forgiveness, I need to straighten this whole thing up, and I need to forgive all three of them. Fast forwarding to this week, I get paired up, totally by G-d's design, with the girl (from the pair) that was the instigator of most of the problems.

Funny thing happened though, I went from being anxious and slightly angry to calmer and not super worried. This is only by the grace of G-d because normally I would be developing ulcers and would be unable to sleep. Instead, I am filled with Shalom, if only for a few days until the groups have to meet, but after the first few meeting it will likely get better.

Daily Thanksgiving: I'm half way done with my first week of NURSING SCHOOL!!! I love my professors so far and tomorrow I have my IT job until 12:30 p.m. (1330) and then I am off for the rest of the day. Friday is pharmacology and then I am done. I get to go home for labor day weekend, after I work a double on Sunday, of course. G-d is teaching me forgiveness and giving me the strength to get me through this whole mess I have help create for myself and these other girls. I have an awesome friend in all of my classes who is hilarious and super smart. She encourages me and keeps me focused. I am currently finished with all of my homework, as of yet. I know that there is more coming, but for right now, I am not procrastinating!

Summer Wrap-Up

I have just realized recently that I only have a month of my summer "vacation" left! This week I have 3 tests in Microbiology (1 for lecture, 1 for lab, and 1 comprehensive final that would be sure to fail me if I didn't have G-d helping me through life). The following week I begin my week-long nutrition course which involves 2 tests, homework, and case studies all within that short week. I end that with hanging out with some autistic/special needs kids for about 5 hours and then I am on real summer break... for 2 weeks. Those 2 weeks consists of 4 shifts one week and 7 the next. So, I will hopefully have a whopping 88 hours or so (a lot of those hours are paid time and a half because I'm working doubles almost every day I go in!).

I'm pretty excited to be able to work and not have to do class assignments or readings. I like being able to focus on just work because school is getting on my nerves. Prereques are anyways. Fortunately, clinicals start next semester (Spring) and this semester is all about the fundamental knowledge of nursing! So, it'll be tough and full of memorization, but it will be good.

Maybe once school starts I will be able to post some more interesting stuff. I was reading over some of my past posts and my personal life is so boring! I'm sorry guys.

Work went well though. It was rainy out, so most of my residents were tired and sleeping. This was good, but it also made some strange behaviors surface that I have not seen from them in a really long time. I guess they'll be like that again in the winter time, but that's a ways away.

Living with my brother is still going well. We are actually getting along like we're pals. He keeps cooking and doing dishes for me and I am convinced that if he can keep this up through marriage, his wife will be quite pleased.

I texted country boy last night, we didn't say much because he was at a baseball game. I don't think there is anything with us though. I am too weird in my boundaries and morals, nobody is able to mesh with my outlandish ideals. Maybe G-d has somebody out there for me, but I don't think I've met him yet.

Daily Thanksgiving: Work went well. Texting is beginning to settle down for me. My ex-roommate has not texted back after I refused to reply to hers. Country boy isn't texting me and the other weird messages have ceased for the moment. My brother started his job today and we are getting along well.