Guys, it feels like I just complain on here a lot. I'm terribly sorry. I can't imagine how frustrating it would be to even think about reading all of my posts that talk about pretty much the same thing each time.
With that said, I need to vent terribly.
Today, I got "yelled" at by a friend because she feels she is neglected. I went to the mall with Beauty after counseling yesterday because I needed to be around someone who knew my whole story. Well, some of it. This friend, we'll call her Jersey, heard about it and became extremely jealous. She started making snide comments to me after class, in a very passive aggressive turning straight up aggressive manner after class today.
Jersey knows the part of the story where I broke up with Exboyfriend because he raped me. She doesn't understand how bad it was, but I spilled it to her one day when I had been drinking at her house. In fact, Exfiance was there. Haha, that's kinda funny in a twisted way that doesn't make sense if I think about it in any kid of a logical sense.
Anyway, she is angry at Beauty and I because she feels like she plans everything and when Beauty or I plan anything she thinks she's not invited. Thing is, I don't do much. I go to Jersey's parties or get togethers when I can because I want to support her. Beauty and I don't plan things, we just spontaneously get together if one of us is having a bad day, we're bored, or we need help. That's it.
Jersey yelled at me after class for about 10 minutes. I tried to explain myself and she wasn't having any of it. Then she continued to yell at me over about 8 texts. I kept wanting to write pages and pages worth of stuff to explain myself to her, but I decided sweet responses would be better. No. Nothing will be better for her. I said sorry, even though it's not my fault and I invite her to whatever happens to occur in my life. She yelled at me for not being able to go to her birthday and then again for not going to the second attempt at her birthday. I don't know what I did or had going on, but maybe I'm just a flake. I don't know! I don't even know when the hell her birthday is!
I can tell you I'm sick of taking shit from others. You're mad that friends aren't hanging out with you all the time? Okay, then go fucking fix it! Go find new friends! Ask your friends out! Do something about it! I am not taking this bullshit anymore. It takes everything within me to wake up and get out of bed, especially to go to class or eat; I'm not super concerned with ensuring that all of my friends have a fulfilled social life. That's not my fucking job.
She doesn't give a shit that other people have things going on in their life. She doesn't care that my main goal right now is just to survive and not take the bottle of pills that tempts me each night, or take the razor to my skin to calm my mind down for 5 second. She doesn't understand what it's like to not sleep for weeks because of the insomnia and nightmares. She doesn't get what it's like to avoid over half of the city that I live in and take extra long routes to get places, just so that I can prevent panic attacks and severe flashbacks. SHE DOESN'T FUCKING GET IT! NOR DOES SHE CARE. Why is this? It's because she's mad she doesn't get to hang out with us all of the time.
Before class started, she invited me to her house to watch football (American football) this weekend. I told her I would think about it but why the hell would I go after she just went off on me for shit that's not my fault? Honestly, what was she thinking? I invite her to things when I do them. I understand feeling burnt out because you feel like you're the one doing all the planning. Hell, I felt like that when we first met. I made all sorts of plans the first two and a half years of nursing school. She even flaked on a lot of them by backing out last minute. Now, for the past year, she feels like she's the only one making plans. She's the only one with a house, but it's a 30 minute drive for anyone to be able to get there. There's always drama and still I go whenever I can to support her. Do the plans I made get brought up? Does she understand I'm one of 2-3 people that actually goes to her stuff? Does she consider that other people have their lives imploding in around them? No. No to all of these points.
I'm over it. I swear, if she tries to start yelling at me again I will have it out with her. She needs to understand I don't have time to be dealing with crap from anyone else, but I seem to be the one everyone chooses to dump on. I'm sick of taking shit from Brother, Dad, Mom, exroommate and her mother, exboyfriend, exfiance, and the billion other people that seem to see the "kick me" sign on my ass that I am apparently blind to. You fuck with me? You're gonna get the horns because I am absolutely tired of everyone assuming they can treat me this way. She may be the first one I go off on but you better believe this is just the beginning. I'm so over it.
Showing posts with label exroommate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label exroommate. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Life Lessons Learned
I was reading my devotions and praying the other night, when the L-rd gave me an epiphany: closed doors, missed chances, failed relationships, opportunities that go awry, and all the other things that don't go our way in life are actually the L-rd guiding us. Through these things, He also shows us how bad a situation could be so that we learn from that, then He typically gives us what He had planned for us all along. By letting us see the bad before giving us good, He lets us understand why we need to be grateful for all that happens to us.
Growing up, I shared a bedroom with my brother until I had finished 4th grade and he had finished 3rd in a very small, 2-bedroom apartment. My mom used to pray with us on the way to school each day and ask the L-rd that He would keep our family from becoming complacent and taking our blessings for granted. We lived in an apartment while both of my parents worked several jobs so that they could send us to a Christian school and pay our tuition. We ended up moving into a house where my brother and I got our own rooms and then we had to go to a public school. That made me appreciate the house much more and being blessed to be able to go to a Christian school for several years. Thank you L-rd for these things!
At the beginning of this last summer, my old roommate told me she didn't want to live with me, but gave me no explanation and didn't talk to me while I was in another state with Mema. So, I scrambled, looking for an apartment on short notice. I was used to paying about $700-$750 a month for my rent and bills. I texted my current roommate and she offered to let me live with her and she told me she was freaking out about finding someone but that I texted and asked about it at the exact perfect time. After praying about wanting to pay about $500, she asked how much I was willing to pay. I told her about $700 was typical for me so I could do the $700. She came back and said she could only afford $500 and her parents were okay with both of us paying that little while they picked up the rest of the bills! Oh my gosh! So, even though I had a huge falling out with ex-roommate and her family, the L-rd blessed me and showed me that they are not company that I should have been keeping anyway. This falling out happened just after I broke up with EXboyfriend because he had raped me... so it's way better this way. That is only visible in hindsight though, I was devastated at the time!
I had a NICU job opportunity as a CNA awhile ago and my initial plans didn't match up with their needs so they passed on me, but then my plans changed to something that would have totally worked out for them. However, it was too late by that point. Shortly after that, I got my job as a CNA in the float pool. G-d allowed me to see real-life what we were learning about in class each time I went to work and allowed me to get better grades and a better understanding by these hands-on experiences. I also got to meet so many nurses on each floor and I feel like the most popular person when I show up to work because I have so many people stopping me and saying high to me at school, clinicals, and at work because of this job. I love it!
My relationships ending have shown me that I am worth much more than what I typically settle for with people. I pray that the L-rd has someone for me who is sweet, patient, forgiving, able to be a voice of reason for me, and able to handle my many hypomanic and depressive cycles... That's the true test. He needs to be accepted by my family and friends and not push my boundaries like every guy has tried to before.
Here's to hoping for and expecting the L-rd to work absolutely incredible miracles in my life after I ran myself deep into the ground with too many mistakes to count and too much brokenness to measure. Here's to thanking the L-rd for Divine Interventions in my life, even when things seem to be going well, because He can see past people's fake facades and their attempts at manipulating me. Praise the L-rd for keeping me!
What are you grateful for? What things in your life have not ended up how you wanted/expected, only for the L-rd to show you something so much better? What are you asking Him for today? More importantly, what are you thanking Him for?
Growing up, I shared a bedroom with my brother until I had finished 4th grade and he had finished 3rd in a very small, 2-bedroom apartment. My mom used to pray with us on the way to school each day and ask the L-rd that He would keep our family from becoming complacent and taking our blessings for granted. We lived in an apartment while both of my parents worked several jobs so that they could send us to a Christian school and pay our tuition. We ended up moving into a house where my brother and I got our own rooms and then we had to go to a public school. That made me appreciate the house much more and being blessed to be able to go to a Christian school for several years. Thank you L-rd for these things!
At the beginning of this last summer, my old roommate told me she didn't want to live with me, but gave me no explanation and didn't talk to me while I was in another state with Mema. So, I scrambled, looking for an apartment on short notice. I was used to paying about $700-$750 a month for my rent and bills. I texted my current roommate and she offered to let me live with her and she told me she was freaking out about finding someone but that I texted and asked about it at the exact perfect time. After praying about wanting to pay about $500, she asked how much I was willing to pay. I told her about $700 was typical for me so I could do the $700. She came back and said she could only afford $500 and her parents were okay with both of us paying that little while they picked up the rest of the bills! Oh my gosh! So, even though I had a huge falling out with ex-roommate and her family, the L-rd blessed me and showed me that they are not company that I should have been keeping anyway. This falling out happened just after I broke up with EXboyfriend because he had raped me... so it's way better this way. That is only visible in hindsight though, I was devastated at the time!
I had a NICU job opportunity as a CNA awhile ago and my initial plans didn't match up with their needs so they passed on me, but then my plans changed to something that would have totally worked out for them. However, it was too late by that point. Shortly after that, I got my job as a CNA in the float pool. G-d allowed me to see real-life what we were learning about in class each time I went to work and allowed me to get better grades and a better understanding by these hands-on experiences. I also got to meet so many nurses on each floor and I feel like the most popular person when I show up to work because I have so many people stopping me and saying high to me at school, clinicals, and at work because of this job. I love it!
My relationships ending have shown me that I am worth much more than what I typically settle for with people. I pray that the L-rd has someone for me who is sweet, patient, forgiving, able to be a voice of reason for me, and able to handle my many hypomanic and depressive cycles... That's the true test. He needs to be accepted by my family and friends and not push my boundaries like every guy has tried to before.
Here's to hoping for and expecting the L-rd to work absolutely incredible miracles in my life after I ran myself deep into the ground with too many mistakes to count and too much brokenness to measure. Here's to thanking the L-rd for Divine Interventions in my life, even when things seem to be going well, because He can see past people's fake facades and their attempts at manipulating me. Praise the L-rd for keeping me!
What are you grateful for? What things in your life have not ended up how you wanted/expected, only for the L-rd to show you something so much better? What are you asking Him for today? More importantly, what are you thanking Him for?
Sunday, August 23, 2015
Senior Year of Nursing School
Folks, I have made it to my senior year of nursing school! I figured it would be a rough road but had no idea what kind of bumps I'd experience. Turns out school was the easier part, and it is still nursing boot camp. Seriously, nursing school is hard but so worth it.
This semester I am taking:
I remember joking to my friends saying I would be okay with a boyfriend or husband that was home for a couple days and then gone for a few months. In marriage, that will be very difficult. While I am in school, this is highly advantageous for me because we have 30 minute phone dates each night and sporadic texting throughout the day and I have time to study and do what I need to do for school. Praise the L-rd! We will see how this juggling act goes; it may be a complete disaster or G-d may give me the strength and ability to make it work, we shall see.
Fiance surprised me by coming home early Friday. He has had a really difficult hitch. Cliff notes of the past 5-6 weeks for him include: a fellow employee almost killing my man by leaving him on an oil rig with no protection during a lightning storm, that guy then stole the company truck when he was fired for almost killing my man, there was an explosion and fiance saved two guys' lives by running back towards the fire to grab them, now he is being sued by the government for saving lives because it went against safety protocol. There were other delightful little gems in there too, but those are the major highlights.
Anyway, he found my roommate on Facebook and started trying to plan how he could surprise me when he came home. He told me he would show up at any time over the next few days, this was on Wednesday I think. I was freaking out! My roommate was a few states away until Thursday because she was visiting her boyfriend and I had been living in my same pajamas for a few days and slept nearly 18 hours a day most days. What if he came home and my hair was a mess and I didn't even have time to brush my teeth? Oh no! Once roommate got back (new roommate by the way, not the one from last year), we had a night to decompress from her trip and get our little routine started. I mentioned that he had spilled the beans that he might be surprising me and that he had said he might have Facebooked her. She said he had but that she wasn't going to tell me anything.
He texted me later Thursday night and told me he wouldn't be coming home that weekend like he thought because his boss wanted him to stay, but that he would be back next weekend. He apologized up and down all night (he worked night shift that hitch). I told him I understood and not to worry about it. I was thinking, "No big deal, he'll be back next weekend and I have a week to get school figured out before he comes home. Okay, we will make this work."
Friday, roommate and I woke up. She and I had planned to go to campus to get parking passes and textbooks before the mad rush of students would crowd campus this coming Monday. She also said she wanted to take me to lunch for taking such good care of her dog while she was gone for two weeks visiting her family and boyfriend. That wasn't a problem for me because she only had me pay half the rent for August in return for watching her dog and I took her dog up to my parent's house so that her dog and my dog could play. There is also a dog door which makes taking care of a dog really simple, as opposed to going for walks every 2 hours because we live in an apartment. So really, I got the better end of the deal. Anyway, she suggested a really expensive restaurant that fiance loves but had told me he wouldn't take me to yet because it is so pricey and it needs to wait until a special occasion. So I knew something was fishy there. I told her she already paid me for watching her dog and that going to lunch there was too expensive so I suggested we find another place to go. She insisted that "we have to go there." She is not a pushy person, so that was clue number two. When we were heading out she mentioned that she had a piano lesson (she teaches piano) in the area so it would be perfect for her to go to lunch there so that she wouldn't have to drive all the way back across town to go home. I asked her if I needed to drive separate so that I could go home after lunch and she told me not to worry about it. Clue #3. I decided not to push because I was already putting pieces together. When we got there and nobody else we knew was there, I brought up me needing a ride again. I asked her how I was going to get home? She said she would drive me home (across town). I mentioned that she had said she didn't want to because she had a lesson near the restaurant. She started blushing and told me to stop asking questions and that it would be alright. I win! I figured it out. So, about 15-20 minutes go by while my mind is racing but I try to keep the conversation going with her about how fiance had told me he wasn't coming home and she looked so sad because I was sad. Then I asked about her trip and we decided to go up to the salad bar and get ourselves some food. I got so distracted getting food and talking for the next 10 minutes that he came up behind me and gave me a hug and I had totally forgotten I was hoping he would come! It was a wonderful surprise and a great lunch. Roommate likes him and says he reminds her of her boyfriend.
She's a really sweet girl who found a guy with a good heart but ridiculously rough edges too. We find solace knowing each other's similar guy troubles because we are similar and our guys are similar. Yet, we both love our men, no matter how crazy they make us sometimes because we see the good in them and we see them trying to be sweet and tender for us.
Tonight the L-rd is giving my heart peace. I am anxious about tomorrow, but the troubles that plague my brain about the events that have happened this summer are set aside. He has taken them. Oftentimes He has to take them back from me daily, but it is getting easier to relinquish them each day. Forgiveness is also a daily battle that is getting easier each day. I am to a place where I believe that ExBoyfriend just made a mistake and I didn't fight hard enough to let him know I wasn't happy with what was going on. ExRoommate and I made mistakes that made us both sad and I am very sorry for that. The words that were spoken by the girls freshman year, my brother, ExRoommate's mom, and countless others over the years were just mistakes. It's all about each of us learning. That is what life is, right? Learning to let G-d have control of who we are and allowing Him to teach us how to model ourselves after His heart? I don't know, I don't know what life is. Right now I'm resigned to what it has become and I hope and pray that there is something more meaningful. I yearn for the day when the L-rd will tell me there was a bigger purpose to me going through this last summer and other people being able to be told that their life struggles (which are far greater than my own) have purpose and meaning. Who knows though? Only the Good L-rd knows and so I will keep my hope in Him and start getting my eyes and feet trained back to His path because I got a bit sidetracked and turned around.
This semester I am taking:
- Med/Surg "Capstone" (my fourth [and FINAL!] med/surg rotation)
- Community Health
- Jewish Philosophy
- Epidemic of Sexual Assault (It focuses on forensic nursing. I worry about this one because it is an entire course about rape and sexual assault. I can always drop it and I've always wanted to learn more about forensic nursing so I guess we'll see how the first couple of weeks go. I plan on emailing my professor to let her know that I have a personal history so that she can advise me to continue on or go ahead and drop the course.)
I remember joking to my friends saying I would be okay with a boyfriend or husband that was home for a couple days and then gone for a few months. In marriage, that will be very difficult. While I am in school, this is highly advantageous for me because we have 30 minute phone dates each night and sporadic texting throughout the day and I have time to study and do what I need to do for school. Praise the L-rd! We will see how this juggling act goes; it may be a complete disaster or G-d may give me the strength and ability to make it work, we shall see.
Fiance surprised me by coming home early Friday. He has had a really difficult hitch. Cliff notes of the past 5-6 weeks for him include: a fellow employee almost killing my man by leaving him on an oil rig with no protection during a lightning storm, that guy then stole the company truck when he was fired for almost killing my man, there was an explosion and fiance saved two guys' lives by running back towards the fire to grab them, now he is being sued by the government for saving lives because it went against safety protocol. There were other delightful little gems in there too, but those are the major highlights.
Anyway, he found my roommate on Facebook and started trying to plan how he could surprise me when he came home. He told me he would show up at any time over the next few days, this was on Wednesday I think. I was freaking out! My roommate was a few states away until Thursday because she was visiting her boyfriend and I had been living in my same pajamas for a few days and slept nearly 18 hours a day most days. What if he came home and my hair was a mess and I didn't even have time to brush my teeth? Oh no! Once roommate got back (new roommate by the way, not the one from last year), we had a night to decompress from her trip and get our little routine started. I mentioned that he had spilled the beans that he might be surprising me and that he had said he might have Facebooked her. She said he had but that she wasn't going to tell me anything.
He texted me later Thursday night and told me he wouldn't be coming home that weekend like he thought because his boss wanted him to stay, but that he would be back next weekend. He apologized up and down all night (he worked night shift that hitch). I told him I understood and not to worry about it. I was thinking, "No big deal, he'll be back next weekend and I have a week to get school figured out before he comes home. Okay, we will make this work."
Friday, roommate and I woke up. She and I had planned to go to campus to get parking passes and textbooks before the mad rush of students would crowd campus this coming Monday. She also said she wanted to take me to lunch for taking such good care of her dog while she was gone for two weeks visiting her family and boyfriend. That wasn't a problem for me because she only had me pay half the rent for August in return for watching her dog and I took her dog up to my parent's house so that her dog and my dog could play. There is also a dog door which makes taking care of a dog really simple, as opposed to going for walks every 2 hours because we live in an apartment. So really, I got the better end of the deal. Anyway, she suggested a really expensive restaurant that fiance loves but had told me he wouldn't take me to yet because it is so pricey and it needs to wait until a special occasion. So I knew something was fishy there. I told her she already paid me for watching her dog and that going to lunch there was too expensive so I suggested we find another place to go. She insisted that "we have to go there." She is not a pushy person, so that was clue number two. When we were heading out she mentioned that she had a piano lesson (she teaches piano) in the area so it would be perfect for her to go to lunch there so that she wouldn't have to drive all the way back across town to go home. I asked her if I needed to drive separate so that I could go home after lunch and she told me not to worry about it. Clue #3. I decided not to push because I was already putting pieces together. When we got there and nobody else we knew was there, I brought up me needing a ride again. I asked her how I was going to get home? She said she would drive me home (across town). I mentioned that she had said she didn't want to because she had a lesson near the restaurant. She started blushing and told me to stop asking questions and that it would be alright. I win! I figured it out. So, about 15-20 minutes go by while my mind is racing but I try to keep the conversation going with her about how fiance had told me he wasn't coming home and she looked so sad because I was sad. Then I asked about her trip and we decided to go up to the salad bar and get ourselves some food. I got so distracted getting food and talking for the next 10 minutes that he came up behind me and gave me a hug and I had totally forgotten I was hoping he would come! It was a wonderful surprise and a great lunch. Roommate likes him and says he reminds her of her boyfriend.
She's a really sweet girl who found a guy with a good heart but ridiculously rough edges too. We find solace knowing each other's similar guy troubles because we are similar and our guys are similar. Yet, we both love our men, no matter how crazy they make us sometimes because we see the good in them and we see them trying to be sweet and tender for us.
Tonight the L-rd is giving my heart peace. I am anxious about tomorrow, but the troubles that plague my brain about the events that have happened this summer are set aside. He has taken them. Oftentimes He has to take them back from me daily, but it is getting easier to relinquish them each day. Forgiveness is also a daily battle that is getting easier each day. I am to a place where I believe that ExBoyfriend just made a mistake and I didn't fight hard enough to let him know I wasn't happy with what was going on. ExRoommate and I made mistakes that made us both sad and I am very sorry for that. The words that were spoken by the girls freshman year, my brother, ExRoommate's mom, and countless others over the years were just mistakes. It's all about each of us learning. That is what life is, right? Learning to let G-d have control of who we are and allowing Him to teach us how to model ourselves after His heart? I don't know, I don't know what life is. Right now I'm resigned to what it has become and I hope and pray that there is something more meaningful. I yearn for the day when the L-rd will tell me there was a bigger purpose to me going through this last summer and other people being able to be told that their life struggles (which are far greater than my own) have purpose and meaning. Who knows though? Only the Good L-rd knows and so I will keep my hope in Him and start getting my eyes and feet trained back to His path because I got a bit sidetracked and turned around.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
And the Plot Thickens
For about two months now, I have been barely surviving. Mid April I was sexually assaulted/raped by my first ever "real" boyfriend. School and life went on while I felt I was stuck. I still feel stuck and like I'm just going through the motions.
About a month ago I met a new boy who I thought was great. Things are turning with him...
About two weeks ago I got a breakup sounding text with an ultimatum from Roommate telling me that she "couldn't live like this". She was talking about me. When I asked her what was going on and we talked it all out, turns out she's been making a lot of assumptions about what I was doing. Her mom called me and chewed me out for about 12 minutes. Then Roommate and I talked the next day. Stories are not adding up and the mom said really hurtful things. Keep in mind, Roommate's mom is the one who introduced me to Rapist and now she is mad at me for the time I was in a relationship with me. Does that make any sense? NO! They are getting mad at me for not changing and fixing my behavior for the past five months but they haven't been telling me anything until one time so how I was supposed to know I was doing anything wrong? Plus, they say I've changed. I have changed, rape does that to a person. I am also not taking nonesense from people anymore. I'm sick of getting walked all over and being expected to just take it. I was playing wife to Roommate (cooking her dinner, doing little errands for her, helping with family projects like gutting a basement, etc.). So yes, I've changed because she wasn't returning the favor. How was I supposed to know that was something I'd get yelled at because she expected me to be a spouse while getting nothing in return. WE'RE NOT MARRIED! We were roommates who's goal was to split living expenses so we can hopefully survive college. The relationship was not supposed to be a one-way street of me bending over backwards when I have my own life that I need to deal with. She's mad about me not making dinner? I'm mad about not being respected and having to answer to her for everything I do while she can do what she wants whenever she wants. Long story short, after the text, she stopped texting for about a week while I was with Mema shadowing in the NICU again. I scrambled to find a new roommate because the original one obviously didn't want to live with me anymore. When I got back, that's when Roommate's mom called me to see what was going on because Roommate wasn't answering any of the serious texts I was texting her even though they were all apologies and wondering what was going wrong. When I told the mom that I had found another roommate she got all angry and started yelling at me because now she was going to have to pay the other half of her daughter's bills. Well lady, you don't really have to. Plus, she's the one who decided she didn't want to live with me, I offered but she wants to live alone. I just took it though. I'm learning to be an adult and it sucks because some adults don't even know how to adult.
Wednesday I got in my first car accident after a really, really rough night at work. Dad yelled at me when he found out when I was hoping for just a little support or even a "are you okay". So, I may or may not have back-sassed him just a little bit in hopes that I was standing up for myself. I think I was. New Boyfriend drove 2 hours to come up to where I crashed so that he could tow my car to my dad's mechanic shop. Next day I went to a super sketchy part of town and pulled the parts of a wrecked version of my car all by myself. Now there were lots of miracles in this whole ordeal. The car I hit was not damaged and the guy was so sweet about everything (he was probably a dad/grandpa). My car had minimal damage, it looked bad, but I was able to help my dad and we fixed it with the help of his body work friend. The car I found at a scrap yard to pull parts from was the exact same color and car as my own and it was even in better condition. Not only that, but it had shown up the day before so I was almost the first one to get parts from it. Praise the L-rd! There's no way His hand is not on this, guiding me through, even though I messed up. I didn't even cry at the crash, nor did I feel I needed to. I worked my way through all my problems and the car is nearly back to working order we just have to finish putting the radiator in it and I'll be able to drive it again.
Friday I went to the local amusement park with New Boyfriend and a couple of his friends (Boyfriend from now on, previous Boyfriend will now be referred to as ExBF). When he got to the door to pick me up, he asked me to change because he didn't like that I was wearing my long boy's shorts as a swim suit. I told him he could go alone if he didn't want me wearing that because I wasn't going to change. He said no, let's go, so we did. At the park we left most valuables in the car and took my backpack with just a few things in it. I almost brought my wallet but they told me to leave it in the car. I accidentally packed my phone. After a few water rides, we went back to where we had left the backpack and they got their cigarettes. I don't smoke, but they do. We did one more ride and weren't gone for more than 30 minutes but the backpack was gone when we got back. It was in a heavy traffic area with a bunch of other backpacks around so I don't know why/how they targeted mine. We went to lost and found, nothing. I realized after a couple hours that my phone was in there and not in the car. That is bumming me out the most. I had a couple pictures of myself after my SANE (rape) exam because my nurse was so sweet and had given me a snoopy band-aid that made me feel a little better. Silly, I know. But that picture was a symbol of strength for me because I sought help after a really traumatic event. I also had some other pictures on there that I wanted because they were of my crunched car from two days before, a couple of my boyfriend that I liked, and just other pictures. Plus, I feel violated all over again because someone has access to all of that info. I mean, they probably wiped the phone without looking through it, but come on! Do I really need more stuff going wrong in my life? Even after the backpack was stolen and I was grumpy, I pushed that aside so the others could hopefully have fun. They were upset too because they had their military ID's in it and some cash. But boyfriend and I had a couple fights. He texted me yesterday once I got a my old phone working with my same number (because the stolen phone was only a couple months old) and he told me sorry. I just don't understand why he does not nice things and then apologizes for it the next day but when he notices I'm mad the day he makes me angry, he acts like I'm being dramatic. I'm done hiding my feelings and my hurt. I tell him straight out that he's being mean. I feel like such a girl for getting mad at him, I've never been like this, but I'm sick of being a doormat and someone that others can yell at and still expect me to take it with a smile and then do whatever they want to do. I'm not Burger King, you can't have it your way with me. Yes, I will compromise and talk things through, but I'm not compromising my beliefs or myself anymore.
To top it all off, both parents come to me with their marriage problems. They always have. I don't know how I became the family therapist, but it's been like this since I was about 5-6. Except then, the marriage was much happier. Now, they are both talking about how they don't know how they can stay together. That's fine, if they want to live on their own, that's ok. I'm an adult, that isn't going to cause me great harm like it would have when I was a kid. Plus, I've seen them both very unhappy for a very long time. However, when they make personal attacks on the other one, I can get mad at mom and tell her to fix it. She will apologize and move on. Dad, not so much. I hate personal attacks.
Life would be hard enough dealing with a breakup, but it's not just a breakup. My world is crumbling down around me, my relationships are burning without me knowing how or why, events in my life keep making me question whether I can survive anymore. Yesterday I lost it. My mom and I had just gone to get my old phone reactivated and I broke after weeks and weeks of just plugging along. I vented to her about ExBF, Boyfriend, ex-Roommate, the wreck, the theft, my phone, the fight with dad, their marriage problems, and probably some other stuff that I can't remember right now. I just wanted a simple life. I just wanted to graduate, wait to kiss a boy until my wedding day, maybe have a few kids if the L-rd allowed me to get married to a simple and sweet man, and have minimal drama. Well, that is not the outcome of my life. I've had more drama than I can deal with in a lifetime all packed into about two month's time and there is more in my past that I still have to deal with.
My flashbacks had gone away, I thought I was doing better. Nope. Flashbacks have come back and they are even about Country Boy, not just ExBF now.
I don't know how to live anymore. I would never do anything to end my own life, but I'm ready to never leave my bed again. I don't want to go out, I don't want to put on this fake smile, I don't want the memories/the hurt/the pain anymore. I don't trust anyone anymore. I'm so over everything. G-d remains constant in my life and I know I've fallen away from Him. I'm not outside His reach, in fact, I'm still in His hands, but how do I go on? Breathing is hard, I don't have the energy to do anything, I'm not hungry anymore, and I have little will to do anything. I don't think life should be this hard and yet I know others are going through more and they still find joy and happiness in the midst of their terrible circumstances. So why then, can I not handle these little things?
About a month ago I met a new boy who I thought was great. Things are turning with him...
About two weeks ago I got a breakup sounding text with an ultimatum from Roommate telling me that she "couldn't live like this". She was talking about me. When I asked her what was going on and we talked it all out, turns out she's been making a lot of assumptions about what I was doing. Her mom called me and chewed me out for about 12 minutes. Then Roommate and I talked the next day. Stories are not adding up and the mom said really hurtful things. Keep in mind, Roommate's mom is the one who introduced me to Rapist and now she is mad at me for the time I was in a relationship with me. Does that make any sense? NO! They are getting mad at me for not changing and fixing my behavior for the past five months but they haven't been telling me anything until one time so how I was supposed to know I was doing anything wrong? Plus, they say I've changed. I have changed, rape does that to a person. I am also not taking nonesense from people anymore. I'm sick of getting walked all over and being expected to just take it. I was playing wife to Roommate (cooking her dinner, doing little errands for her, helping with family projects like gutting a basement, etc.). So yes, I've changed because she wasn't returning the favor. How was I supposed to know that was something I'd get yelled at because she expected me to be a spouse while getting nothing in return. WE'RE NOT MARRIED! We were roommates who's goal was to split living expenses so we can hopefully survive college. The relationship was not supposed to be a one-way street of me bending over backwards when I have my own life that I need to deal with. She's mad about me not making dinner? I'm mad about not being respected and having to answer to her for everything I do while she can do what she wants whenever she wants. Long story short, after the text, she stopped texting for about a week while I was with Mema shadowing in the NICU again. I scrambled to find a new roommate because the original one obviously didn't want to live with me anymore. When I got back, that's when Roommate's mom called me to see what was going on because Roommate wasn't answering any of the serious texts I was texting her even though they were all apologies and wondering what was going wrong. When I told the mom that I had found another roommate she got all angry and started yelling at me because now she was going to have to pay the other half of her daughter's bills. Well lady, you don't really have to. Plus, she's the one who decided she didn't want to live with me, I offered but she wants to live alone. I just took it though. I'm learning to be an adult and it sucks because some adults don't even know how to adult.
Wednesday I got in my first car accident after a really, really rough night at work. Dad yelled at me when he found out when I was hoping for just a little support or even a "are you okay". So, I may or may not have back-sassed him just a little bit in hopes that I was standing up for myself. I think I was. New Boyfriend drove 2 hours to come up to where I crashed so that he could tow my car to my dad's mechanic shop. Next day I went to a super sketchy part of town and pulled the parts of a wrecked version of my car all by myself. Now there were lots of miracles in this whole ordeal. The car I hit was not damaged and the guy was so sweet about everything (he was probably a dad/grandpa). My car had minimal damage, it looked bad, but I was able to help my dad and we fixed it with the help of his body work friend. The car I found at a scrap yard to pull parts from was the exact same color and car as my own and it was even in better condition. Not only that, but it had shown up the day before so I was almost the first one to get parts from it. Praise the L-rd! There's no way His hand is not on this, guiding me through, even though I messed up. I didn't even cry at the crash, nor did I feel I needed to. I worked my way through all my problems and the car is nearly back to working order we just have to finish putting the radiator in it and I'll be able to drive it again.
Friday I went to the local amusement park with New Boyfriend and a couple of his friends (Boyfriend from now on, previous Boyfriend will now be referred to as ExBF). When he got to the door to pick me up, he asked me to change because he didn't like that I was wearing my long boy's shorts as a swim suit. I told him he could go alone if he didn't want me wearing that because I wasn't going to change. He said no, let's go, so we did. At the park we left most valuables in the car and took my backpack with just a few things in it. I almost brought my wallet but they told me to leave it in the car. I accidentally packed my phone. After a few water rides, we went back to where we had left the backpack and they got their cigarettes. I don't smoke, but they do. We did one more ride and weren't gone for more than 30 minutes but the backpack was gone when we got back. It was in a heavy traffic area with a bunch of other backpacks around so I don't know why/how they targeted mine. We went to lost and found, nothing. I realized after a couple hours that my phone was in there and not in the car. That is bumming me out the most. I had a couple pictures of myself after my SANE (rape) exam because my nurse was so sweet and had given me a snoopy band-aid that made me feel a little better. Silly, I know. But that picture was a symbol of strength for me because I sought help after a really traumatic event. I also had some other pictures on there that I wanted because they were of my crunched car from two days before, a couple of my boyfriend that I liked, and just other pictures. Plus, I feel violated all over again because someone has access to all of that info. I mean, they probably wiped the phone without looking through it, but come on! Do I really need more stuff going wrong in my life? Even after the backpack was stolen and I was grumpy, I pushed that aside so the others could hopefully have fun. They were upset too because they had their military ID's in it and some cash. But boyfriend and I had a couple fights. He texted me yesterday once I got a my old phone working with my same number (because the stolen phone was only a couple months old) and he told me sorry. I just don't understand why he does not nice things and then apologizes for it the next day but when he notices I'm mad the day he makes me angry, he acts like I'm being dramatic. I'm done hiding my feelings and my hurt. I tell him straight out that he's being mean. I feel like such a girl for getting mad at him, I've never been like this, but I'm sick of being a doormat and someone that others can yell at and still expect me to take it with a smile and then do whatever they want to do. I'm not Burger King, you can't have it your way with me. Yes, I will compromise and talk things through, but I'm not compromising my beliefs or myself anymore.
To top it all off, both parents come to me with their marriage problems. They always have. I don't know how I became the family therapist, but it's been like this since I was about 5-6. Except then, the marriage was much happier. Now, they are both talking about how they don't know how they can stay together. That's fine, if they want to live on their own, that's ok. I'm an adult, that isn't going to cause me great harm like it would have when I was a kid. Plus, I've seen them both very unhappy for a very long time. However, when they make personal attacks on the other one, I can get mad at mom and tell her to fix it. She will apologize and move on. Dad, not so much. I hate personal attacks.
Life would be hard enough dealing with a breakup, but it's not just a breakup. My world is crumbling down around me, my relationships are burning without me knowing how or why, events in my life keep making me question whether I can survive anymore. Yesterday I lost it. My mom and I had just gone to get my old phone reactivated and I broke after weeks and weeks of just plugging along. I vented to her about ExBF, Boyfriend, ex-Roommate, the wreck, the theft, my phone, the fight with dad, their marriage problems, and probably some other stuff that I can't remember right now. I just wanted a simple life. I just wanted to graduate, wait to kiss a boy until my wedding day, maybe have a few kids if the L-rd allowed me to get married to a simple and sweet man, and have minimal drama. Well, that is not the outcome of my life. I've had more drama than I can deal with in a lifetime all packed into about two month's time and there is more in my past that I still have to deal with.
My flashbacks had gone away, I thought I was doing better. Nope. Flashbacks have come back and they are even about Country Boy, not just ExBF now.
I don't know how to live anymore. I would never do anything to end my own life, but I'm ready to never leave my bed again. I don't want to go out, I don't want to put on this fake smile, I don't want the memories/the hurt/the pain anymore. I don't trust anyone anymore. I'm so over everything. G-d remains constant in my life and I know I've fallen away from Him. I'm not outside His reach, in fact, I'm still in His hands, but how do I go on? Breathing is hard, I don't have the energy to do anything, I'm not hungry anymore, and I have little will to do anything. I don't think life should be this hard and yet I know others are going through more and they still find joy and happiness in the midst of their terrible circumstances. So why then, can I not handle these little things?
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