Love Stories and Princess Movies

Growing up I was never really shown the princess movies or love story movies. I was not read those types of books and I was mostly unaware of what normal girls are raised with as far as the fairy tale ending of life is concerned.








Instead, I grew up with toy trucks, remote control cars, guns, Bible stories, Lincoln Logs, and dirt bikes. I was raised by a tom boy and my dad to be a very independent, strong-willed, surprisingly quiet-spirited tom boy.

Since I did not have a whole lot of exposure to these girly things, they hit me like a ton of bricks when I was about ten and I got a friend who was all sorts of girly. Goodness me!

At first it didn't seem to be a big deal. We had sleepovers just about every weekend. We watched movies, talked about boys, did our nails, and sometimes we fought. I was so unused to all of those things but they seemed normal because that's what I had seen on t.v.

As time has gone on, I have noticed a pattern within myself after watching/reading these girly happily ever after stories. When I first begin watching them or reading the books, I will be happy. They make me feel good. Somehow, they give me "hope" that I will have a future filled with love and some sweet guy that sweeps me off my feet and life goes about merrily and everyone lives "happily ever after". Give me 2 weeks max of being okay with these types of books and movies and then cynicism hits hard. I start picking out the flaws in their plots. My eyes roll uncontrollably when the guy does something sweet or when life ends up just perfect for those stupid fictional characters while my friend's husband dies a week after their 2nd wedding anniversary or I get mad because nobody hit on me at a dance after I had worked so hard to look as pretty as I will ever get. About a week of that and I become flat out angry. 2-7 days after the angry phase and depression hits. Whether this is from the stories or from me now having to be in school and the sun staying in the sky for much shorter periods of time, I don't know. I just know that signs of the beginning of my depression spells are coming and they are hitting really hard and really fast.

Most of all, I think I did this to myself. I know I should not watch these movies and read these stories because I get like this every time. I figured I would "treat" myself over the summer so that I could read instead of sit on the couch and run out of Netflix binge opportunities because I have seen them all already... But I know how I get every time.

I always think, "maybe this will be the year that I can just leave the fiction in the fictional world and be able to separate if from my real-life." Every year I prove myself wrong. I start dreaming of guys and making my Pinterest boards of my fantasy wedding and dates that I would like to go on, but they don't come.

I did however start to develop my first crush since Country Boy died and I broke up with Best Friend (although that still doesn't seem totally real to me). This crush can't last though. I'm too old for him and I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm a ditz. Mostly because I am... But I'm really smart! I promise!!! My brain just completely shuts off when I don't have to be constantly thinking and then my brain doesn't shut my mouth off so I just say the dumbest things and can't stop. It's really embarrassing, especially in front of country boys because I'm not some city girl but I wasn't raised in the country either. I say I was raised country in the city, but that just means I don't belong in either place. Like the not Jewish but not really Christian thing because I'm Messianic. Or the not fully girl because I act like a boy but I have those two darn X chromosomes instead of an X and a Y.

I think I'm having a mild identity crisis along with my worsening depression symptoms... Good news I am doing my mental health rotation this semester. Also, I have learned that I should have been hospitalized several times due to my symptoms and behaviors but I'm super good at hiding stuff so nobody was able to do anything to help me. Praise the L-rd for allowing me to live through what legitimately should have killed me. I'm finding my way back to him but life is getting even harder and I didn't think that would be possible after losing my brother (to him being stupid and moving out), me breaking my best friend, and then my friend killing himself. So, I keep saying the same things over and over here but nothing changes. I keep telling people I'm "good" or "fine" but that's because I don't want to burden them or make them worry. I lie but I got myself into this hole.

Saw this video on Facebook the other day and it's actually a really decent depiction of some of the struggles depression causes. So, if you have a spare moment, go ahead and watch this: Depression Video.

In such a short time

In the short amount of time that I was "home" for Thanksgiving, re-experienced many things I vowed to not revisit anymore. They aren't big things, but still not pleasant.

The first was visiting my church of 10 years, the one I grew up in. It is also the one that "kicked" our family out because we had differing opinions. They actually didn't kick us out, they just put us down and refused to cease making fun of our ideas and findings while they took a man's word on what G-d means instead of talking to Him about it. If y'all haven't figured it out yet, I don't take too kindly to people raggin' on me when I can't fight back because I was 10 and all the old ladies were underestimating my ability to make my own decisions. Anyway, my brother was driving us and he decided to stop by the church. It was awkward. Only out old youth pastor was there, at first. For the initial 45 minutes that my brother and I were there, the youth pastor talked only to my brother (unless I interjected). It hurt, however, I did not cry or feel like crying after the visit. Normally I do because I suspected that he and his wife never cared for me and all of my past visits have confirmed this suspicion. I finally feel like I don't have to go back, nor do I want to go back ever again. This is healing and this is moving on with my life. No more focusing on the past and my hurt. I will learn from what has happened, but the bitterness is nearly gone and my experiences are allowing me to branch out to the outsiders that I encounter in my everyday life.

Also, I started reading for fun again! I love books. I read a whole book in a day. I also figured out how to get library books onto my iPad without ever leaving my house. What a beautiful invention! Someday, I hope that they increase the amount of ebooks online to be checked out from my local libraries because when I graduate and have some free time, I will likely go through all of them in a matter of months. Unfortunately, no books looked interesting except for romance novels. I have learned in the past that these make me quite bitter and angry for several months. Now, I should not be upset because G-d has protected my heart on so many occasions from being broken in frivolous relationships that would have clearly been dangerous. On the other hand, I tend to throw myself pity parties during/after reading these types of books because I find myself wanting that sort of attention. I want love and a guy to look at me and think: hey, I love this girl so much I want to spend the rest of my life with her. In reality, I think I want the assurance that there is someone committed to me and we pledge and make a binding contract to stay together. Does this really mean that we will live a long happy life married to only each other and be madly in love until we die in each others arms while sleeping one night because we are extremely old and G-d decides to take us home? (run-on, I know. They get worse as my thoughts begin to spill uninterrupted) Absolutely not. I have seen marriages with a firm foundation based on G-d be broken because of unexpected death or a poor decision to sleep with another person in a moment of inappropriate passion and bad judgement. I have witnessed the pain and total brokenness of families and the faces of distraught children over these matters. Marriages that were seen as the model for the church and were expected to go the distance have crumbled. Lives were shattered and pain is left with the rubble.

Having said all that, is it worth it to even desire marriage? I am a pessimist and an analyst. One of my many motto's is: Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. In order to prepare for the worst, I imagine and observe as many bad scenarios as possible so that I can formulate plans of action to avoid or weather the storms that will occur. So, I see the bad that can come from a situation and expect it. I plan for people taking advantage of me (in marriage, friendships, and everywhere). I assume that people get enough of me so that I don't push myself onto people to avoid them becoming burnt out with me. I try to avoid situations that can lead to pain and therefore often just stay at home and refuse human contact. Even still, I have this desire to have a boyfriend. Folks, if you are confused then I apologize, but this even has me at a loss for words. I want something but I don't want it all at the same time. It's like my "heart" and my head are having a war because I know dating is dangerous (logical reasoning from my head) but my heart is wanting to be loved and to feel butterflies and I want to see someone get tongue tied because they find me beautiful and worthy of their love and affection. I want a beau and a husband and children and a family of my own. Yet, the thought of this is terrifying because so much can go wrong.

I started journaling questions that I ask G-d. Recently it's regarding the purpose of marriage, the reason of life, what I am supposed to be doing, and my purpose. Also, why does the Bible mention things like David was handsome and Esther was the most beautiful woman in the land if it also tells us to not see a person's exterior as much as we focus on their actions and what those tell us about their heart? This started because I still have no idea of the purpose of marriage. I asked my friend, who is Catholic, what marriage means to her. She went on and on about how she wants the Cinderella charmed life. I told her that I felt G-d was telling me that there is more and that there is a deeper purpose. She refuted the idea and told me that I over-think everything. While this is true, I don't think I would have this nagging thought that there is something more if there is not something the Ruach Hakodesh (Holy Spirit) is trying to get me to understand. It's such a frustrating feeling but it's also good because I know that He is trying to talk to me and reveal something monumental to me. I'll keep you updated on what He shows me.

Well, enough procrastinating. I have to go start and finish my paper. Major writer's block for academic writings today.

I had a group presentation and it went really well today. We talked about euthanasia... Not a fun subject. My campus also closed down due to weather issues. We were hoping for a snow day all day because the roads were awful. All of a sudden, during other group presentations, someone announces randomly that school was cancelled! (We have a text message system through the school that alerts us of campus closings and everything.) Then they said that the snow day did not start until after our class finished about an hour later. Such disappointment!!! Anyway, I almost had a snow day and nearly got out of my group presentation. Unfortunately, it did not come in time. C'est la vie.