Overwhelmed

As you have read over the past several months, I have been feeling this call for me to begin sharing my story. I feel like I am meant to share bits of my story, in order to hopefully either prevent others from walking the same road I've walked, or to help others who are healing by walking along side them and being able to connect with them in that way. There are countless other ways that stories can be used, like showing G-d's great power and redemption and love for us... etc.

During this time, after G-d whispered that He wanted me to begin to share, I began "researching" what it meant to share a story... personal story... Trying to get a handle on what it would mean to share my story. After weeks of torturing myself and over-thinking things (I mean, I never do that... Ha, that's a joke, I'm a pro over-thinker!), I kinda just coasted and stopped my intensive search for understanding on this matter. When I began to forget about this mission G-d gave me, that's when He began bringing the answers to me instead of me going to find them!

Side note: it is important to seek answers. When G-d gives you a mission, ask Him how He wants you to fulfill it! It seems so simple, right? He wants you to do something, of course He'll know how you need to go about doing things to accomplish the task at hand. Now, while this is true, He won't always show/tell you what/how to do things right away. There may be days, weeks, months, or even years of waiting. The seasons of waiting are important, wonderful, and incredibly difficult oftentimes. This is where the true growth comes from. If G-d just gave you the end result without the suffering (my word, not His) in the middle, then where would we have chances to increase our faith and trust? When would we get a chance to hear Him in the whisper or watch Him part the Red Sea? If there is no time or chance for Him to work in our lives, how will we learn to recognize His hand at work? It's all about the process, not just about the goal and end. In the waiting, continue to seek Him, to ask Him about what it is you're supposed to be doing, and LISTEN! You have to remain active and don't just expect a miracle without putting in some sort of leg work and showing a little bit of faith.

For me, with my story, it was in the least expected ways that He began to weave the theme of "story" throughout my life for several weeks. In the bible study I was in, suddenly the whole bible study began discussing the importance of sharing your story and what it can show about G-d and how it can help others. I began another bible study with some ladies and the book was solely stories of some amazing women that have walked difficult roads (Surprised by the Healer by Linda Dillow and Juli Slattery). The bible study focused on our stories. I did not continue on with the study, but I appreciate where they are coming from and trying to accomplish. My group therapy is all about our stories! We have stories within our bigger picture story and us being able to connect within all of these layers. I was getting bombarded with these things from all angles for weeks and weeks!!!


Through all of this, I have been incredibly blessed by some stories, and incredibly taken aback by others. There are times where I can feel so bonded with certain people over the bits of their story that they share. Whereas other stories can build up walls and cause friction between friends. It's a fine line learning to share enough in vulnerability and sharing as a means of a verbal dumping (*aka: verbal diarrhea*). On the one had, vulnerability shows a place of growth, the beginning of healing, and an earnest desire for the person to move forward from that dark place. In the verbal dumping, the person cannot stop sharing. They tend to share far too many details, cannot and will not accept encouragement of gentle counseling related to the stories they share. This type of sharing is best done with a counselor because it is a form of processing where your mind and heart are still trying to simply remember the details and the person sharing is not really able to move forward from that place yet. Sharing in this was does not benefit the sharer nor the person listening because there is no lesson to be learned (on the surface), there is no help to be rendered, and there is not a desire or willingness to move on from simply remembering what has happened.

While sharing, even in this verbal dumping phase (can also occur via writing, L-rd knows y'all have read my verbal dumpings several times!), is important on the road to healing, it is a dangerous place to be. This place is an area that can continue to cause further hurt to the sharer because of a lack of boundaries. Lack of boundaries to know who to share these things with and who to keep these things from. There is a danger in sharing with others because the other person can become severely impacted by what they learn! These things can cause a sort of secondary trauma to the listener, if the listener is not legitimately and professionally trained. Due to the disparities of why things are dangerous to different parties involved, huge walls can be built. The listener will begin to back away, clam up, and have a difficult time being around the sharer. The sharer, sensing this, can begin to internalize this imposed isolation as being their fault and they may believe they deserve to be isolated because of the things they've experienced (I'm not speaking from experience or anything...). This can begin a terrible cycle of self sabotage and isolation when community can be so very healing.

However, like I said before, it's all a process. Without the trial and error of sharing ith the wrong people, how are you going to be able to test boundaries and learn what is okay to share, when is the right time, and who deserves to hear certain aspects of your story (and go slowly with the sharing!!!). There is beauty in the process, and great things to be gained from the suffering of going through it. Don't cause suffering trying to bring about the process of healing and learning these things. I assure you, the process will take place all without you forcing anything. But go about it prayerfully, and while listening to the L-rd. You guys know, that's a process unto itself.



While I was processing all of these things about story sharing, learning safe was to share and what it looks like to verbally dump, and beginning to understand why we need healing to be a process, I had an interesting theme come up.

I just so happened to be on the receiving end of my friend's story. I was attempting to lovingly counsel her in a strictly friendly way, using my tiny little bit of nursing counseling skills with my ability to comfort. However, despite whatever I said, or did to encourage her, or how I responded, none of it was to any use. She didn't accept comfort. She didn't want to be encouraged to change her life. She did not want any counsel, G-dly or otherwise. She didn't want anything but a listening ear, and I think that was even optional. What she needed, was to simply talk. This was a classic example of a verbal dump. My offered help was shot down, and none too lightly. She asked for advice and input, but would promptly refuse it.

Throughout all of this encouragement, counseling, listening, and attempt to help her solve the problems she asked for advice for, she kept saying she keeps asking for a miracle. She says things like: if only G-d would perform a miracle (and she gave specific examples of what she wanted the miracle[s] to be), then her life would be better. If only things happened the way she required, without her changing her life choices or lifestyle at all, then she would be able to believe in G-d and her life would be able to be turned around. She wants community, but doesn't want to wake up a little early to go to church, or take time to go to a bible study, or do anything to go an find people to add to her social circle. She wants to be married to a wonderful man, who is pure and kind and patient and gracious, but she does not want to give up the dating culture she has cultivated for herself. She wants a marriage, convinced that marriage will solve all of her problems and make her happier than she ever imagined, but she refuses to make steps to make herself marry-able, upstanding, desirable for a man who would be willing to settle down, and she refuses to make any lifestyle changes whatsoever.

As frustrating as this sounds, do we not all do it? If only G-d kept me from sexual abuse, terrible boyfriends, and gave me the husband/life I wanted when I wanted it, then my life would be better. If only He would bring a miracle about, then I would be able to change my heart and my life will follow. If only this had happened, then life could get better and I would be happy and there would be no further problems in my life.

Lies!

We all know G-d could perform a miracle and drop a guy into your lap and this guy could treat you like a queen. He could be pure and kind and gracious and forgiving and absolutely wonderful beyond belief! However, if you have not worked with the L-rd to fix your life, then don't expect it to be solved because home-boy is now in the picture. If you have unhealthy coping skills that are causing major problems in your life (i.e. drinking to deal with stress and bad days, smoking, sleeping with guys to feel better when you're feeling down, etc.), these things will only pop back up when you face those problems when within the marriage. Don't think those problems won't come back to bite you and when that happens, you will be highly likely to be tempted by your previous "coping skills". When tempted, if it has not been addressed and worked through (even if only partially) before the miracle marriage takes place, then there is a very slim chance that the habit will just have been broken by a marriage. And, when such a "coping skill" is reverted back to within a marriage, how wil that effect your spouse? If you cope with feeling bad about yourself by sleeping with the next guy that you think is cute and that feeds you some lines about how adorable you are, how will that (sex with another guy) effect your spouse and your marriage? This problem will come up again and just being married will not fix it nor will it automatically cause you to depend on your spouse for full validation for that problem.

Do you guys see what I'm saying?

Now, this is all fine and dandy, but I felt like G-d was saying something more about this. I still demand miracles sometimes. How dumb am I? I can't demand G-d to do anything! He'll just laugh at me and do whatever it is that He wanted to do anyway. All in a loving way, of course.

Upon further prayer and much thought, especially when in the shower and driving, it occurred to me that most miracles occurred after some sort of step of faith. Ruth followed Naomi to Naomi's home country before she (Ruth) was given opportunities to get to know Boaz before they married. The Israelites walked to the Red Sea and just kept walking into it as G-d worked to part the waters. Likewise, those carrying the Ark of the Covenant walked into the river (Jordan River?) as G-d stopped up the river and allowed His people to cross over into Canaan. Esther went to the king, without a summoning by him, in a step of faith to protect her people from Haman, when she knew good and well that she could be walking to her death. How many countless other miracles requires some sort of step of faith?!? I could go on for days!!! Of course, there are always exceptions and situations where this is not seen, but it seems to be a pattern that some sort of faith needs to be shown so that faith can be stretched and grown!



I believe that me being here is a miracle. There are too many instances in my story where I could have died at the hands of others, or by circumstances I inflicted upon myself. L-rd knows I tried hard enough, several times, to simply be rid of the world. I could be stuck in anger and denial at what has happened to me, but G-d has shown me grace beyond measures and more love than ever imaginable. Because of this, He has allowed my story to continue on towards healing, instead of Hm allowing me to be stuck in the trauma. He brought me from dumping, to sharing and walking with others. That certainly does not happen for everyone. I want to continue to see the miracles He works in my life and I cannot wait to see all that He redeems in my story, so I will continue to walk in faith. Right now, this means potentially beginning a bible study and organizing women to come and walk alongside each other. I see miracles every day, and my faith grows with each of these instances.

I am blessed beyond measure.



With much love, continue on towards your miracles my friends,
BA

Love Stories and Princess Movies

Growing up I was never really shown the princess movies or love story movies. I was not read those types of books and I was mostly unaware of what normal girls are raised with as far as the fairy tale ending of life is concerned.








Instead, I grew up with toy trucks, remote control cars, guns, Bible stories, Lincoln Logs, and dirt bikes. I was raised by a tom boy and my dad to be a very independent, strong-willed, surprisingly quiet-spirited tom boy.

Since I did not have a whole lot of exposure to these girly things, they hit me like a ton of bricks when I was about ten and I got a friend who was all sorts of girly. Goodness me!

At first it didn't seem to be a big deal. We had sleepovers just about every weekend. We watched movies, talked about boys, did our nails, and sometimes we fought. I was so unused to all of those things but they seemed normal because that's what I had seen on t.v.

As time has gone on, I have noticed a pattern within myself after watching/reading these girly happily ever after stories. When I first begin watching them or reading the books, I will be happy. They make me feel good. Somehow, they give me "hope" that I will have a future filled with love and some sweet guy that sweeps me off my feet and life goes about merrily and everyone lives "happily ever after". Give me 2 weeks max of being okay with these types of books and movies and then cynicism hits hard. I start picking out the flaws in their plots. My eyes roll uncontrollably when the guy does something sweet or when life ends up just perfect for those stupid fictional characters while my friend's husband dies a week after their 2nd wedding anniversary or I get mad because nobody hit on me at a dance after I had worked so hard to look as pretty as I will ever get. About a week of that and I become flat out angry. 2-7 days after the angry phase and depression hits. Whether this is from the stories or from me now having to be in school and the sun staying in the sky for much shorter periods of time, I don't know. I just know that signs of the beginning of my depression spells are coming and they are hitting really hard and really fast.

Most of all, I think I did this to myself. I know I should not watch these movies and read these stories because I get like this every time. I figured I would "treat" myself over the summer so that I could read instead of sit on the couch and run out of Netflix binge opportunities because I have seen them all already... But I know how I get every time.

I always think, "maybe this will be the year that I can just leave the fiction in the fictional world and be able to separate if from my real-life." Every year I prove myself wrong. I start dreaming of guys and making my Pinterest boards of my fantasy wedding and dates that I would like to go on, but they don't come.

I did however start to develop my first crush since Country Boy died and I broke up with Best Friend (although that still doesn't seem totally real to me). This crush can't last though. I'm too old for him and I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm a ditz. Mostly because I am... But I'm really smart! I promise!!! My brain just completely shuts off when I don't have to be constantly thinking and then my brain doesn't shut my mouth off so I just say the dumbest things and can't stop. It's really embarrassing, especially in front of country boys because I'm not some city girl but I wasn't raised in the country either. I say I was raised country in the city, but that just means I don't belong in either place. Like the not Jewish but not really Christian thing because I'm Messianic. Or the not fully girl because I act like a boy but I have those two darn X chromosomes instead of an X and a Y.

I think I'm having a mild identity crisis along with my worsening depression symptoms... Good news I am doing my mental health rotation this semester. Also, I have learned that I should have been hospitalized several times due to my symptoms and behaviors but I'm super good at hiding stuff so nobody was able to do anything to help me. Praise the L-rd for allowing me to live through what legitimately should have killed me. I'm finding my way back to him but life is getting even harder and I didn't think that would be possible after losing my brother (to him being stupid and moving out), me breaking my best friend, and then my friend killing himself. So, I keep saying the same things over and over here but nothing changes. I keep telling people I'm "good" or "fine" but that's because I don't want to burden them or make them worry. I lie but I got myself into this hole.

Saw this video on Facebook the other day and it's actually a really decent depiction of some of the struggles depression causes. So, if you have a spare moment, go ahead and watch this: Depression Video.

Crazy, Insane Weekend

Folks, there are awkward families... and then there is mine.

• My great-grandpa does not know my name, but he yelled at me for not knowing his though he makes no effort to be in my life when I was about 12.
• My Grandma yelled at my brother and I when we were about 3-4 for asking for a penny to get a gumball from her decorative gumball dispenser while simultaneously giving pennies to our cousins.
• My uncle did not know my name yesterday and I'm 20. He has seen me multiple times over the course of my life. In fact, my parents used to rent an apartment from him for the first 9 years of my life and he would come for visits.
• My mom's sister is cool and her youngest is buddies with my brother and I. Her oldest and her husband hardly say 2 words to my mom, my brother, or myself. 
• My Grandpa did not recognize my mom because he has not seen her in nearly 8 years. Though I do not blame him for this because my Grandma is abusive and so my mom chooses to not see her mom (Grandma) which means she cannot see her dad (Grandpa).
• Grandpa has been saving the birthday and Christmas money from the past decade of our lives because he sends money to all the other grandkids. As he was walking over to give it to my brother and I, my Grandma takes it from him and acts as though it was her idea. Lady, I saw him pull it out of his pocket and I saw you snatch it from his hands!!!

What is so mind-boggling to me, however, is that I love them regardless. It's this deep kind of love that I had not been aware of until driving home, unable to catch my breath between legitimate sobs. Despite the hours I have cried at night over them and their words to me, I love them. Although they don't know my name (after having been their niece/grandchild for 20+ years), I still love them. Forget the fact that they blame me for not knowing them even though I have not had transportation or contact from them for most of my life, I still love them. Why? Why is is that I can have such overwhelming love for these people that do not love me back? How can I continue to love them even though it causes me so much grief that I was crying on the drive back home last night? It wasn't even a few tears, it was wails from the deepest part of my gut because I was in such pain. Why do I have the capacity to love these people and I cannot even love myself?

Besides all that, my brother dropped a few bombs on me about his own life that have re-stimulated my persistent nausea r/t stress and complete disbelief that this is now what his life has become. Plus, I have been getting super dizzy spells, so that's a bonus. I think it may be orthostatic hypotension caused by possible dehydration and electrolyte imbalances, but it's a wonder I can keep anything down at all with my stomach always in knots anymore.

My cousin is having a baby with his girlfriend. He just graduated high school... His older sister is fixin' to get married come July and just announced that she has been expecting for about 3 months and is due in January. They have another older sister who is just chillin'.

My summer went from me being on top of the world for about a week and a half to being down deeper than the deepest pits in the World. G-d has it all in His hand, I believe that. Goodness, though, it seemed to have all hit me at the exact same time though.

Tomorrow I want to tell you about my good day though! So, stay tuned for that. I promise, G-d blesses me incredibly, sometimes it's just more pronounced once you understand the struggles and obstacles that cross my path. I want you guys to see all of my life, even these really ugly parts because they all make me who I am and they are all tools G-d uses to shape me. Also, I got a new roommate and I'm so beyond stoked about her. She needs a whole blog about her, that's how amazing and excited I am about this rooming situation! Plus, it is totally a work of G-d. You'll see once I tell y'all the story of how it came to be.

Daily Thanksgiving: My day was exponentially better than I anticipated and I got to work with my favorite CNA! G-d is not through with me even though I have been a wayward child. 

I listened to the World...

Let's take just a moment to realize all that the L-rd does for us and all that He leads us through. He has led me through countless months of depression, episodes of anxiety, stressful exam weeks, bad grades, doubt, illness/injuries, bad friendships, and so much more that I can't even recall at this point. Not to mention, He is constantly working in ways that we may never be able to see. He protects us, lets us make little mistakes and then fixes them or teaches us to live with the consequences. He blesses us with circumstances to learn from, faith building opportunities, and even times when the blessings aren't in disguise. Oh how I long for some more "see-able" blessings, but I know they are there even when I am so self-involved I am unable to notice them all around.

Now, let's talk advice. I'm not going to shell any out. Let's just discuss where we get our advice from. I would like to tell myself that I listen to G-d for advice. In reality, I call my parents to ask them. I then take their input and compare it to what my friends say. Then, I weigh my options and take that back to my parents. This, of course, must be discussed with the social circle again and maybe even on Facebook. By the end of the decision making spiral, I'm past the point to make the decision and no conclusion has been decided upon.

Guess what happens when I actually do make a decision using this method. You're probably right, it turns out VERY BADLY!!! Actually, it can often result in catastrophic issues. Well, y'all know I exaggerate slightly, right? I do. This catastrophic occurrence may be fixable, but it is darn near impossible to fix without G-d taking over my whole mess. His grace and love have fixed my life more times than I can even imagine.

Why do I do this? I know that my life will be in all sorts of shambles when I use this decision making process, but I cannot convince myself to just take it to Him to begin with.

I keep listening to the World lately. That's why I bring this up. My World even includes my mom, trusted family friends, mentors, and other people I considered wise and trusted. However, it is not their fault that my life is currently more than I can handle. Yes, they gave me foolish advice but G-d had told me years ago what I needed to do. I made the dumbest decision and went against that. Now my bad decisions are causing me multiple panic attacks a day (I had 5 in one 3 hour class), I am stressed to the max, my focus is non-existent (which is really like being in the negatives because it didn't exist before), and I'm angry all the time. Most of this anger is at myself for being such a foolish girl and the rest of it is pure sinful anger at nothing at all. I'm quickly spiraling into a worse and worse situation.

Regardless of this mess I'm still digging myself into, G-d gives me moments of peace when I choose to go to Him for protection, grace, calm, relief and Shalom. He knows I screwed up. He also knows how this whole thing will end and how to get me through it. His love abounds and it is completely unfathomable. My mind is blown at how Great, Awesome, Wonderful, Loving, Merciful, Gracious, Incredible, and *insert more/better adjectives for G-d here* Ad-nai truly is. In the midst of my terrible store, I am filled with love and calm. This is especially amazing because I don't even feel this calm and peaceful when I'm not going through "Life's Storms" (or the storms I create for myself).

Praise the L-rd for His forgiveness and patience! Praise the L-rd simply because He is who He is despite who we are.

Phil Fired?!

Everyone knows I love Duck Dynasty, right? Have y'all heard that Phil Robertson has been put on indefinite hiatus from Duck Dynasty on A&E!? Guys, he got "fired" (not really, but kinda) because he stood up for G-d, the Bible, and his beliefs. I, for one, am glad that he did because we are all called to defend the Word and share it with the world. So, I support him because he is sticking up for the L-rd.

To me, it sounds like A&E almost baited him like the Pharisee's and Sadducee's did with Yeshua (Jesus). Now, I am not entirely certain of this because I only had time to read one post about the whole ordeal tonight, but I will continue to look into the matter. However, it seems like they (A&E) asked Phil about his beliefs and about homosexuality. Phil then responded respectfully saying that he does not agree with homosexuality because G-d put in the Bible that it is a sin. WE ALL SIN!!! Pointing that little fact out is not hateful and it is not meant to cause shame or harm to anyone. He went on to explain that he still loves everyone whether homosexual, bisexual, hetero, etc. and he just doesn't agree with their lifestyle. "Love the sinner, hate the sin" is an excellent quote summing the whole thing. For this, Phil was put on indefinite hiatus. Folks, don't think that just because we are 2000 years past ordeals that Yeshua and the disciples went through, that we are immune from persecution from the world. If we are speaking Truth, there is a good chance someone will be offended and they will stir up a world of hurt. Well, they can try. In reality, G-d is in control, He just lets them make a big deal about how upset they are.

There is nothing new under the sun and this will absolutely NOT be the last time someone is "fired" or harassed for their beliefs. Make sure you speak respectfully. Practice what you have to say about all issues in the world today. If you do not have a respectful way to say something, or you do not know enough about a certain issue and how G-d says to handle it in the Bible and through prayer, tell the person/people that you will get back to them. We are not here to offend everyone and hurt everyone's feelings. We are here to love on them but also give them answers according to what the God Book says, should they ask. Don't go looking for trouble. If someone comes to you with a question/dilemma, consult G-d, the Bible, and possibly a rabbi/pastor/elder/etc. Do not blindly answer questions about tough issues. Make sure to do your research thoroughly and not just a glance at Google's top hit. Be ready to defend the name of Yeshua and Ad-nai. Always be ready to give account for the Hope you have in Yeshua and make sure that you can make a stand for G-d when the time comes. My time has come a lot, and there are more coming. It's life. G-d is also wanting to know that you are not lukewarm. He says there is nothing so bad as a lukewarm believer, so make sure you know what side of the fence you're on and then stay on it!

Fellow believers, do not be so naive to think that the occasion will not arise that you will have to defend G-d, your faith, your friends, and anything else of value to you. It will happen. Find encouragement and Shalom in the L-rd and in the Word, but be prepared. I love you, my dear brothers and sisters in the L-rd.

Bible Study Realization

Folks, I had a major realization today. It happened while sitting in a Panera studying and minding my own business. All of a sudden, a guy's college Bible study group came and sat next to me. They started a typical, simple study. Reading out of the Bible, straight up, and discussing it in their own simple words. At that, it dawned on me, I'm not alone. I'm not the only person striving for purity in my college atmosphere. There are other people. We are hidden in the background until given a chance to share the hope that we have in the L-rd. Rarely does it come up in everyday conversation, but it is comforting knowing that there are more people out there like me!

My brother's friend, who looks like he should be in a death metal band (because he is), goes to church every Sunday. When you talk to him, he is so incredibly innocent and kind. Guys, this is how G-d reaches out to all types of people. He employs us, with all of our vastly unique, to reach every nook and cranny of the human population. How encouraging is that?

Of course, I knew/know that I am not alone, but it gets lonely you know? For so long, I haven't met many people who share faith with me. Then, after I had been yearning for others that are working to talk out their faith, G-d reveals them to me when I least expect it. I did not talk to them, nor do I know who they are. I know that they are working on their relationship with G-d, as I am, and they go to my university. There is a community out there of people my age with similar faith as me, I just have to find it.

Today, I am very thankful that G-d brought me to Panera to be witness to their Bible study and discussion. Stay strong in your faith everyone. Grow in your relationship with The Almighty and ask for His guidance in life. Ask forgiveness from G-d and those you have affected. Finally, love everyone, regardless of what has happened or what they have done.

Try Not To Cry

For my final post of the night (hopefully), I wanted to share one last video. This beautiful video is about one couple's marriage and about their love for each other. It made me sob because marriage today does not seem to happen like this anymore, or at least we don't hear about it. This is how I imagine G-d's love for us is on some level (though His love is so vast no one can ever understand it). This is what I desire for my marriage to be like and I pray that if G-d has prepared a husband for me, that we are able to love like these two loved each other.

Have tissues handy. Do not watch after fresh application of make-up. Make sure that you didn't have any other human interactions planned for the day. Hold on tight because this video is so sweet and simple, but very deep at the same time.

Are you ready?

Watch it here.

This video has blessed me and it has been an answer to my prayers asking G-d what the meaning of marriage is.

Knowing vs. Believing

You can totally know something without believing it.

You are made in G-d's image which makes you beautiful, interesting, intricate, and absolutely amazing. This should be common knowledge, but somehow we all lose sight of it. Not only do we forget, but we don't believe it as our reflections stare back at us in the mirror.

We are created as intelligent beings. Somehow we get so caught up in comparing ourselves with those around us, we stop believing that we were made smart, intelligent, and capable of thought. I don't care what disease doctors diagnose you or someone you know with, G-d has given all of us the ability of thought and intelligence.

We are here for a reason. G-d has made us all for a purpose. I don't know mine, but we should be living as though we have a purpose, because we do. We need to be asking G-d what we are supposed to be doing instead of floating through life with no direction. Yes, sometimes life may not be clear and we are supposed to go through uncertain times, it builds faith or something. However, we should be on our knees asking the L-rd what He wants us to be doing.

So, I am here to tell you that you are beautiful, smart, intelligent, interesting, intricate, and you have purpose. We are created in G-d's image, with abilities to carry out thought processes, and all for a reason. You are a daughter or son of THE King.

Instead of listening to the lies that the Enemy tells you, remember these simple truths. As lies begin to pop into your head, speak life over yourself instead of accepting defeat. Eventually, we will be able to go from simply knowing these simple truths to firmly believing them. As our beliefs about who we are and what we are here for, we can begin to fight back against the Adversary. So believe it, you are unique and very important. The Creator of the Universe loves you and cherishes you.



Also, please do me a favor. Begin complimenting the people around you. Constantly be looking for things you like that other people are wearing, doing, or anything around you that you like. Then, this is super important, tell the people! Telling someone that you like their hair, makeup, clothes, note taking, studying tips, ability to explain difficult material, teaching, or work habits (you get it), will help you to make their day. When they get happy with you because of that, you suddenly have new friends and they have a new friend! Plus, you are speaking Life over them. You are helping them to realize that they are beautiful, intelligent, and they have purpose.

Additional challenge: If you are someone who is used to gossiping about others, I challenge you to think of 5 nice things to say about them BEFORE you say anything about them. Then, say those things about them to others. In order for this to work, you have to make sure that the nice things are truly nice with no trace of gossip or negativity. No backhanded compliments (i.e. He's not as good-looking as his brother, bless his heart; or She's pretty but she's not smart enough for that. You catch my drift?). Also, make sure that they are true and you believe them. Saying, "Oh I like your shirt" but you don't actually believe it isn't going to do any good because 1)you're lying, 2) people can tell. This is hard to start doing, but after just a few days, you will be an expert and you will have made a bunch of people's days. Just try it! :)

Understanding Marriage

This is one of the best articles I have read explaining marriage. Actually, I found a bunch on this one particular website. Plus, it numbered and bolded the reasons for marriage in one of the articles! I love this because not only does it make it easier for me to skim, it also helps you (should you choose to read these) to skim and not read entire articles! I figured this would likely help you guys because I am long-winded and I really want all of the info to be shared without you, my friends, to have to read entire textbooks worth of writing spread across several sites. (Wow, that was kinda a run-on... Sorry!)

Read these articles if you would like more info on the point of marriage. I put them in order of most relevant to my previous points to stuff that I thought was just interesting or other good points...

1) What's the point of marriage?
2) 5 Reasons Marriage Cynics Are Wrong (surprisingly, I am not cynical about any of these 5 things...)
3) What It Really Means to Say 'I Do'
4) 3 Things I Wish I Knew Before We Got Married
5) You Never Marry the Right Person (I know this one sounds disheartening, just trust me and try reading it)






Also, on a completely unrelated note, my mom called. We talked for a little over 1 hour and 39 minutes. I am in a considerably better mood and I didn't even explain my recent struggles. G-d truly blessed me with a strong, hilarious, and totally understanding mom. I love her and I love my dad. I am a daddy's girl, in the best sense, meaning I love working on cars, hangin' with the boys, and setting stuff on fire. I also enjoy throwing footballs, baseballs, and learning about cars/sports/anything anyone is willing to teach me. I'm so very grateful for my parents and their very different personalities.

Bad Attention

Living in an apartment is a totally different experience than living in the dorms where most people are under the drinking age. Now, I'm not saying that just because those people are under-age meant that they weren't drinking, it just meant that they couldn't be as open about it as they can in apartments. I bring this up because there are some guys across our little lawn-like thing between the apartment buildings who were drunk and standing on their patio. The before mentioned patio over looks my kitchen window where I was doing dishes. They started calling out, "Hey girl!" and simple stuff like that for a few seconds before I walked away from the window to keep from laughing. I do not want this type of attention, especially because they were drunk (so bad I can smell them from 20 feet away if the wind blows just right) and they may not be guys of good moral standing if they are calling out to strange girls in the first place. I don't know them and I cannot judge their hearts, G-d has to do that, but it is not proper attention to be paying to a lady like myself.

Ladies, if a guy makes you feel beautiful, intelligent, and truly loved, pray about allowing G-d to reveal his true heart to you. If they only make you feel pretty because you are wearing skimpy clothes that are barely more than underwear, they don't allow you to exercise your G-d given brain, and they show you "love" by sleeping with you, then let me just suggest that you have a real heart-to-heart with G-d because that is not a man of integrity. They should not be whistling to girls walking by, checkin' them out, flirting, or focusing on other girls because that is a tell-tale sign of not such good things to come. He should be focused on getting to know you, understanding what you like/don't like, how to make you happy, sharing his life stories and preferences, and making sure that you are safe and that you both remain pure (in both mind and body). You should feel beautiful because G-d created you beautifully and wonderfully, not just because some guy says you're pretty. You should feel beautiful and not ashamed or cheap. Trust me, I have felt pretty because some boy was tellin' me I was and he complimented me in ways that made me so ashamed! You should not feel embarrassed, cheap, or sleazy in your relationship, if you do then there is something wrong and that needs to be addressed ASAP! He should compliment you like milk compliments cookies. He should admire who G-d created you to be including your passions, intelligence, personality, and everything. You likely won't agree on everything and there will be some things that you just don't understand about each other, but that's life. Make sure to live purely, righteously, and to walk in grace because we all fall short of the glory of G-d, but He is gracious and merciful.

Be Women/Men of Integrity

I recently read a blog post from a mom who was going on about young ladies posting inappropriate things on Facebook and YouTube. I encourage you to read it here. I love her explaining her reasons why she blocks certain people and why it is inappropriate to post half-naked pictures on Facebook. In order to help everyone remain pure in heart and mind, we all have to work together. Just trust me and read this post, she inspires me to parent like her.

Disclaimer: I'm not blaming girls for posting improper pictures and I'm not blaming boys for looking/encouraging said pictures. I think both genders have something to do with the whole problem but we can all work for fix it and to encourage purity.

Dating Promises

My friend recently went to a Christian youth conference where they made a list of promises about what they will/won't do while dating. I think this is an excellent idea! I would like to share mine with you. Feel free to add to it or cut things out. You can tell me if I am being completely irrational or if I am not being strict enough. I would like input, if you have any, because I haven't dated anyone, ever, so these are based on ideal circumstances and not totally on experience.

1. I promise to communicate. I want him to know my boundaries and I want to know his. I will work on telling him, and others, what I need, what I want, what I like/don't like, etc. 
2. I promise to not hang out alone. I have already broken this promise several times but no more!
3. I promise to not kiss anyone until my wedding day, and I will only ever kiss my husband.
4. I promise to hear him out when he needs/wants something, if he gets jealous, if he wants me to start/stop something. I may not comply with his requests, but we will talk it over and I will explain why I will/won't/can't do something. 
5. I promise to conduct myself in such a manner that I would not be ashamed of the conversation or activities taking place should my parents, family, friends, children (adopted and future) find out or walk in on us.
6. I promise to hold him accountable to promises, convictions, and problems I witness or hear about. I will not consider him guilty if a rumor should begin, but I will ask him about it and take his word.
7. I promise to do my best to maintain a holy relationship through dating, engagement, and marriage with him.
8. I promise to stay honest, even if the truth will hurt him. I will try my best to not intentionally hurt him or anyone who happens to be pursuing me. However, I do not want to string anyone along simply because I do not want to hurt them. Stringing them along will hurt them (and myself) more than it would if I am just honest in the beginning.
9.  I promise to love G-d more than I love my boyfriend/husband or anyone else. 
10. I promise to do my best to find a man that loves G-d more than he loves me or anyone else.

This is just a short list, but I think it gets down to the core of what I need from a relationship. G-d knows who He has chosen for me, if I will indeed date/marry, but these are rules that I feel are G-d inspired to protect me and potential suitors. (I know I use a lot of weird vocabulary like suitors, pursuing me, etc. I'm an old soul with very traditional views and an old-fashioned vocabulary.)

I encourage you to make your own list and keep adding to it as you think about dating/marriage. If I had been keeping all of these promises to myself and G-d my heart would not be so heavy right now and I would know that I had done everything possible to protect my heart for my husband. Life also would have been much easier for me... Unfortunately, I gave in and now I have a lot of regrets. From now on, however, I will be keeping these promises to the best of my ability in order to maintain my integrity, my innocence, and my pure heart.

Advice to the Older Me

I got an idea from another blog I read and I have decided to write advice to the older me. This advice focuses on my dreams right now and why I want to be a nurse so badly.

1. Mom and Mema: Remember, you are not doing this entirely for yourself, you are walking in the shoes of your family. You are completing what your mom was unable to complete to share your joy with her when you graduate.
2. Babies! Whether you become a NICU nurse or L&D nurse upon graduation, remember the sweet babies you will get to care for and share the beginning of their lives with.
3. The stress you feel over getting a B is unnecessary. It may feel like the end of the world, but it's not even close. You passed all of your courses freshman year when so many thought you wouldn't.
4. It is okay to cry. One of the hardest things to admit, but it reduces stress hormones. We both know you have an over-abundance of stress, so just shed a few tears and move on.
5. Continue to learn from your mistakes and keep taking advice-wise advice, of course.
6. Always be working on remaining humble. When you do something wrong, ask how to make it better next time. Then make it better the next time.
7. Remember, you started out as a CNA. You were a really slow CNA. Keep chesed for all of the CNA's, EMT's, new nurses, doctors, patients, and everyone else in the world. 
8. If someone doesn't treat you right: 1) Assume they could be having a bad day and continue to be kind. Do not talk about others behind their backs, but you can compliment others whether to their face or to others around them. 2)  If they continue to not treat you right, STILL BE NICE! However, you can tell them that you will not help them or ask them to stop talking disrespectfully. DO NOT talk about them behind their backs. If others are, defend them, regardless of what that person did to you.
9. Don't become anti-social. I know you have tendencies to do so, but get a dog and some friends!
10. Read the Bible everyday. Learn to care from how Ad-nai and Yeshua (Jesus' Hebrew name) first cared for us. Wash your disciples feet (metaphorically, but can be literally too!). 
11. Breathe. Relax when you can. Enjoy life. Don't stress about stuff you can't fix. When you can fix something, work the problem out in your head and take care of it.
12. Remember, G-d's plan for your life is infinitely better than your plan for your life. Just trust Him and stop giving the reigns, then taking them back right away!

 Feel free to add anything, I would love more advice for the future nurse me!

Heavy Heart

Have there been a lot of deaths recently for you too? For some reason there have been 3 students that have passed away in the past two weeks at college and several residents from work have passed away. I don't understand this. Plus, my great-grandpa died a few weeks ago as well, but I didn't get to go to the funeral because I wasn't really invited. That's a complicated story though.

Let's just delve into the basics. We don't talk to my mom's side of the family because her mom abused her. When my brother and I were born, my mom tried to take us over to see her parents so that we would know them, but my grandma just ended up yelling at my brother and I when we were about 3 and 4 years old. So, long story short, my mom hasn't actively taken us to see them because it's not worth it to get abused by my grandma. I still love her and I still love my grandpa (her husband). Now, it was her father who passed, and I had only met him a handful of times, so while I'm sad that he passed away without me being able to better get to know him, I have peace because he did not treat my mom right or his wife right (when she was alive). I'm sad that I was not able to show him more of the love of Yeshua. One of the last times I saw him was at my cousins graduation party and he came over and sat at the table I was sitting at. Since it was just him and me at the table, he asked if I knew who he was. I said that I didn't because I did not know his name, but I did know that he was my great-grandpa. This upset him pretty bad and he called over my great-aunt and they both gave me a 15-20 minute lecture about how I am supposed to know who my family is and so on. Even though I was hurt because I had gotten yelled at (I was 12 or 13 at the time), I still love(d) him. Funny thing is though, it's not the kid's responsibility to keep in tough with grandparents and great-grandparents when they are still kids. I couldn't drive to go see him and it was not my responsibility to go on a great quest to find out where he lived or to get his phone number in order to contact him first, I was a child. It's a bummer that he didn't reach out to me, because I like getting to know my family because they are kin and I don't have a whole lot of blood relatives that my family talks to because both of my parents were abused as children. Regardless, G-d puts pseudo family into my life, always. I have the largest family now because of all of my "adopted" aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and siblings.  I wouldn't trade the relationships I have with them, or the love that we all share because we chose each other, for anything. I know that G-d has allowed me to be blessed with so many amazing, supportive, down-to-earth people who choose to be in my family instead of feeling stuck with me. Also, they don't manipulate, yell, or otherwise harm me, which is still not something I'm used to and my parents don't abuse my brother or I. Still, I have had many, many, many unhealthy, abusive and manipulative friendships that have seriously scarred me. G-d brings me through every time and He is teaching me who to trust, how to trust and how much to trust certain people with. He is teaching me boundaries and forgiveness, but these are brutal lessons to learn.

Daily Thanksgiving: Work went well today, I got to work with one of my favorite CNA's today and work went by really fast. Two more weeks of school and they are going to fly by because I am too busy to even be able to breathe, let alone pee or eat. G-d heals broken hearts and heals scars. His mercies never end and His love is unfailing. I am not alone, even though I often feel alone.

Rejuvinated

Shabbat Shalom!

Today I went to shul (congregation), for the first time in a month and it was so good. G-d let the worship team sing some of my all-time favorite songs and I found out that I will be done with school by their Shavuot celebration so I get to dance with the dance team!!! I have missed dancing so much, and I didn't even do it all that much. But for some reason, it gets out in physical form what I want to do when worshiping. I can't really explain it, but oh how I love to dance! Only Davidic dancing, not slow dancing or prom dancing or anything, only the stuff for worship. Do me a favor and look up Davidic dancing or messianic worship dancing, or something about Hebrew dances or anything like that. Truly, if more churches danced the way David did, I think we would be better at expressing ourselves and our love for G-d because it doesn't matter what we look like, so long as we are giving G-d praise with every fiber, cell, atom of our being. Also, every since I saw Prince of Egypt by Dreamworks, I wanted to dance like they danced at that dinner party. Now I do! You have no idea how excited I was when I first went to our congregation and realized I could potentially dance like they danced.

Anyway, it was an excellent Shabbat. G-d made a lot of stuff a whole lot  clearer, I am on my way to getting right with Him and I pray that He will handle my life. Lately, I have been trying to figure life out which always gets me into trouble. I need to rely solely on Him, because when I do, He allows everything else to fall into place and He even improves my grades when I focus on Him and not necessarily on school. Foolish me, I had to try to drive the car of my life again. Unfortunately, I don't think I will ever be able to fully relinquish all of my life for the rest of my life, without trying to take control of stuff again, because I'm human. By the time He is in full control, I will likely be home with Him. But, for right now, I have Shalom. This peace that I have not felt in such a long time, and joy; both came over me today in worship and it was like a cold drink of water on a scorching hot day. A cool, sweet breeze in the midst of hot, muggy weather. My worries are at rest tonight and my brain is free for the first time in months. Life is never too much for G-d to handle and He performs miracles, some that we don't even see, every day. He is to incredible, gracious, holy, mighty and gentle.

Daily Thanksgiving: I was able to go to shul and dance today. I found out I get to be home for Shavuot (more on what that is to come). G-d provides me with the desires of my heart like dancing, the songs I love, and so much more. He has given me peace and rest from the worries and anxiety I bring on myself. He is so great and merciful and amazing. I had a wonderful day. Also, he brought me home safe and He brought me back to school safely!

Short and Sweet

Folks, I'm going to keep this short and sweet and just do my daily thanksgivings in this post.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am alive. I'm passing my classes with at least a B. I got to talk to my parents (and have a little cry, but don't worry about that). G-d's allowing me to have fun and He is also teaching me a lot about others and even more about myself. I am so very thankful for the ability and opportunity to go to college and have it be so close to home. I am the daughter of THE King, THE Creator, and THE One TRUE G-d (all names for the same G-d). He protects me and loves me despite my foolishness and He forgives me for my many shortcomings when I ask for forgiveness. He loves me enough to discipline me and also He loves me enough to let me make mistakes that He fixes in the end. He holds my heart. He holds my past, present, and future and He will never leave me, nor will He forsake me. He is my G-d, my Abba (Father), and I am not worthy of His love or grace or provisions.

My Kids

Just an update from what happened yesterday, my kids threw me a birthday party! The kids I "adopted" (mentioned in my last post). My real birthday is in about a week, but they will be back in school, as will I. So, they got me a tiny little cake, they gave me some presents, then we went and painted pottery at Arts On Fire. Let me tell you, that place is so fun! It was a bit of a drive, but so very worth it. When you are there, you pick out a piece of pottery that is already made and fired the first time, you just get to paint it with glaze. Then you have them fire it for you and they call you in about a week to come pick it up. Simple as that. I could see it being an awesome date idea too... Anyway, I have to get my mind focused back on this conversation. So we did all that and what really made my day was the fact that the little boy (age 4) was asking for hugs all day and he said he loves me nearly 5849 times, no joke. Then, the littlest girl (age 2 in April) actually likes me now! She liked me when she was little bitty, then she started associating me with her mom leaving, but she is learning that her mom comes back and that I am alright to hang out with. She kept grabbing my finger and pulling me to play. She smiled at me and played peek-a-boo. Guys, my heart is overflowing with love. These two kids' older sisters (ages 6 and 10) are just so sweet too. I connect so much with the older one because we are so similar in the way that we learn, handle ourselves and others, and the way that we have fun. The younger girl is just so adorable. She is very artistic and really shone during the painting. She even painted me my own picture as part of my birthday present! I don't know how all four children are so kind, gentle and well-behaved, but their mom is doing an amazing job raising them. Someday, I pray that G-d gives me children, and I pray that I know how to raise them to be so responsible, well-rounded and gracious as these kids. I love them as if they were my own, I don't understand how my love for someone could ever grow anymore, but it grows everytime I see them. People also say that romantic love (pardon the weird wording) and the love of my own offspring will be greater, I think it may cause me to burst if there is actually greater love than this. My cup runneth over.

Falling Fast

Have you ever had those times when you can't fall asleep because your brain won't shut up? I'm having a season of this, but it's not fully unwelcome. Somehow I even wake up and I'm not super exhausted because I wake up thinking about what I fell asleep thinking about. Which, by the way, is not something... it's someone. All of my efforts to not fall for anyone, not even a crush, until junior year is not working so well. While that sucks, it still makes me happy to think about him and hang out with him. I can't explain it, but I can look into his eyes and be comfortable. He knows most of my faults, he knows my quirks, he knows my past, yet he is comfy. I don't shy away from his help, in fact he is one of the only people I actually ask for help from. His arms hold a peace and he knows how to get me to laugh when I am really down. He doesn't push my boundaries as other guys have when they showed interest in me and that is huge for me. While he does not know I may be having a bad day, he knows how to turn my day around. What is this?

Here I am, gushing like a little girl about a guy. It makes want to gag and dance all at the same time. Feelings are not something I like, but, in the words of The Band Perry, "he is hip to my heart". If this is something more than just a crush, I know we are in the beginning stages, but it seems that this is what people look for. Ideally you are supposed to marry your best friend right? This is so different from my crushes in the past, this is not awkward, it's not going past my boundaries, he does not pressure me or put me down. He jokes with me, makes me want to be kinder and improve myself so I am congruent with G-d's desires for how people should act. I want to be more outgoing and share everything about my day with him. I constantly want to let him know what's going on and hang out with him. This seems like how a true life-long relationship would/should start. Weirder still than all of my fears of relationships is my lack of fear now.

Times like this make me want to know if it is a waste of time to be so focused on a person. I want to know if I will ever get married. I want to meet my husband and start to get to know him. I want to know how G-d has planned my life and what life will be like. I do not want to be spending so much time thinking about boys (which I do not do often) if I am never going to get married because I could be focusing on school or something else. At the same time, I know G-d reveals all things on His time and it is fun to have the surprise of what G-d is bringing into my life. Still, I am frustrated not knowing if I am wasting my time because I cannot focus on anything. I think I may be falling for this boy, just a little...

Lazy Day

Shabbat Shalom! Well, it's the end of Shabbat, but doesn't hurt to say it.

Today was beautiful. It feels like spring even though we just had a blizzard a few days ago and they are calling for another one tonight. It doesn't look like it will snow, and I sure hope it doesn't because I have work at 6:30 tomorrow morning. Even with the beautiful weather, I stayed in my dorm room and relaxed all day. Read the Torah, Haftarah and Brit Haddasha portions this morning, then relaxed. I cannot imagine life without Sabbath anymore. It is truly a day when I am able to renew my strength for the coming week. For those of you who do not have a true day of rest, seriously consider taking it up. It was commanded as a day to restore and rejuvenate us, why not obey G-d and benefit from the blessing of Shabbat?

Update on my friend: He may be upset with me now, or I may be over-thinking everything. Nothing happened, we were just texting and I sent something that was improperly worded, but when I apologized, he didn't seem to know what I was talking about... I don't know what's going on. But it has made me think and rethink my plans for marriage and dating. These plans are super conservative and old-fashioned. I want my future boyfriend to ask my dad before he takes me on a date or even asks me out. He also must be friend first. I want to wait to have our first kiss at our wedding. I do not want to ever date anyone that is not serious about G-d. My future boyfriend/husband truly has to be in love with G-d before he can even think about me. I want him to go to G-d for everything, and be more in love with Ad-nai than he is with me. I do not want to start dating until junior year at the earliest and I don't plan to get married until I am graduated from college. These conditions/desires are just the tip of the iceberg. they may seem unrealistic and absurd, but these are things I believe have been pressed upon my heard by Ha-Shem (look up the meaning of this name for G-d, it's really cool!). These are ways to insure the purity and safety of my heart. They are also to ensure that the man I end up dating and possibly marrying, is the one that G-d has chosen for me.

Daily Thanksgiving: It's short and sweet today... I am thankful for Shabbat and G-d's protection over every part of me, especially my heart.

Minor Celebrations

With school, I get really excited when I do well, and I get slightly upset when I do not do well. So, I usually celebrate little accomplishments, like getting A's and 100% on tests and quizzes. Since I was kinda down on myself for getting a B and a C on my first two A&P Exams of the semester, I would like to share that I got 100% percent on my chem quiz! It's something small, but it's so great to be able to celebrate minor accomplishments when they do occur. So what are your minor accomplishments today? Do you care to share? I would love to celebrate with you!

That is also my thanksgiving today, that I did well on my chem quiz. Also, the fact that I have amazing friends who are supporting me now more than ever since I am in my own room now. I have never found other people so genuinely happy for me now that I am able to be comfortable and happy in my own space. If you have amazing friends out there supporting you, thank them for it. Give them hugs (if that's your thing and if they are cool with it), give them candy, send a thank-you note, do something to tell them how much you appreciate them. Now, if you do not have amazing friends that support you like this, don't worry, just pray about it. That's how G-d brought my friends into my life, and these people understand me, they are my kind of people. But if you go out and look for them, you may not be able to find them. Just pray, and watch how G-d works, He will bring you the right people.