The other day I was scrolling through Facebook, just procrastinating. I happened upon a picture of a guy I used to go to church with (and had a minor 4 year crush on) who had pictures of himself and his new girlfriend. There are so many problems with this, it's just not even funny.
First of all, he was dating a girl who also goes to the church he belongs to. They dated for a few months and were seriously considering marriage. Why? I don't know. A massive reason probably has to do with the fact that they both go to Christian colleges and they have known each other since they were like 3 and now they are approaching 20. All of a sudden, they break up. The church they attend consists of 150 people, on a good day and they push maybe 100 on normal Sundays. Good news is that they are both living at college right now. He is at a seminary college in Florida and she is attending some Christian college in another state so they are apart and their relationship was basically over Facebook, Skype, and the occasional school break when they would come home. Anyway, they broke up.
Remember how I said I had a 4 year crush on the kid until about 4 years ago? It turns out that he had had a crush on me too! Little bugger never hinted at it or made a move, but he told my brother... HE TOLD MY BROTHER!!! and every other person in the whole church! Why on earth would anyone ever do something like that? Everyone knows that rumors spread faster'n wild fire in a church. Also, his dad was the children's pastor. Guess what I got to be for our Christmas play when I was about 10. I was Mary while this guy was Joseph. I should have seen it. How embarrassing! The whole church knew that he liked me and he used his dad to get us married for our big production. Please forgive me, I just realized this whole scheme as I was typing. It never occurred to me in the last 8 years and just hit me like a ton of bricks. So, that happened.
The real reason for this whole spiel? One of the comments on his picture of his new girlfriend was, "Wow dude, good work! She is gorgeous!"
Do I really need to explain? We are not trophies!!! Guys work to see our hearts, but we are not some object to be congratulated over just because we are pretty. That kid that commented does not know if she is smart, kind, gracious, prayerful, generous, funny, or anything besides the fact that she is good looking. When did we, as girls, become just arm candy instead of a valued partner in the journey of life? When did we stop being equal and helpful to guys and turned into an award or something that causes the guy's friends to be jealous?
I need to go, I can feel my blood pressure rising. But girls, have pride in the wonderful heart G-d has put inside you. Develop your relationship with G-d first. Then, find a boy who appreciates that aspect of you and then comes to appreciate your physical beauty, all in due time. Also, make sure you stand up for yourself. If he, or his friends, start to see you as an object as opposed to an equal human being, stand up for yourself!
Maybe I'm blowing this all out of proportion and I'm getting caught up in my feminist ways.
Ladies, I know you can make your own decisions so take my opinions with a grain of salt. Just make sure you're decisions line up with what the Good Book says and life won't be easy, but it'll be significantly easier than it could be.
Also, Victoria's Secret Fashion Show takes place tonight. That's another novel in itself and I don't have time for that.
Good night y'all.
Showing posts with label procrastination. Show all posts
Showing posts with label procrastination. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
In such a short time
In the short amount of time that I was "home" for Thanksgiving, re-experienced many things I vowed to not revisit anymore. They aren't big things, but still not pleasant.
The first was visiting my church of 10 years, the one I grew up in. It is also the one that "kicked" our family out because we had differing opinions. They actually didn't kick us out, they just put us down and refused to cease making fun of our ideas and findings while they took a man's word on what G-d means instead of talking to Him about it. If y'all haven't figured it out yet, I don't take too kindly to people raggin' on me when I can't fight back because I was 10 and all the old ladies were underestimating my ability to make my own decisions. Anyway, my brother was driving us and he decided to stop by the church. It was awkward. Only out old youth pastor was there, at first. For the initial 45 minutes that my brother and I were there, the youth pastor talked only to my brother (unless I interjected). It hurt, however, I did not cry or feel like crying after the visit. Normally I do because I suspected that he and his wife never cared for me and all of my past visits have confirmed this suspicion. I finally feel like I don't have to go back, nor do I want to go back ever again. This is healing and this is moving on with my life. No more focusing on the past and my hurt. I will learn from what has happened, but the bitterness is nearly gone and my experiences are allowing me to branch out to the outsiders that I encounter in my everyday life.
Also, I started reading for fun again! I love books. I read a whole book in a day. I also figured out how to get library books onto my iPad without ever leaving my house. What a beautiful invention! Someday, I hope that they increase the amount of ebooks online to be checked out from my local libraries because when I graduate and have some free time, I will likely go through all of them in a matter of months. Unfortunately, no books looked interesting except for romance novels. I have learned in the past that these make me quite bitter and angry for several months. Now, I should not be upset because G-d has protected my heart on so many occasions from being broken in frivolous relationships that would have clearly been dangerous. On the other hand, I tend to throw myself pity parties during/after reading these types of books because I find myself wanting that sort of attention. I want love and a guy to look at me and think: hey, I love this girl so much I want to spend the rest of my life with her. In reality, I think I want the assurance that there is someone committed to me and we pledge and make a binding contract to stay together. Does this really mean that we will live a long happy life married to only each other and be madly in love until we die in each others arms while sleeping one night because we are extremely old and G-d decides to take us home? (run-on, I know. They get worse as my thoughts begin to spill uninterrupted) Absolutely not. I have seen marriages with a firm foundation based on G-d be broken because of unexpected death or a poor decision to sleep with another person in a moment of inappropriate passion and bad judgement. I have witnessed the pain and total brokenness of families and the faces of distraught children over these matters. Marriages that were seen as the model for the church and were expected to go the distance have crumbled. Lives were shattered and pain is left with the rubble.
Having said all that, is it worth it to even desire marriage? I am a pessimist and an analyst. One of my many motto's is: Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. In order to prepare for the worst, I imagine and observe as many bad scenarios as possible so that I can formulate plans of action to avoid or weather the storms that will occur. So, I see the bad that can come from a situation and expect it. I plan for people taking advantage of me (in marriage, friendships, and everywhere). I assume that people get enough of me so that I don't push myself onto people to avoid them becoming burnt out with me. I try to avoid situations that can lead to pain and therefore often just stay at home and refuse human contact. Even still, I have this desire to have a boyfriend. Folks, if you are confused then I apologize, but this even has me at a loss for words. I want something but I don't want it all at the same time. It's like my "heart" and my head are having a war because I know dating is dangerous (logical reasoning from my head) but my heart is wanting to be loved and to feel butterflies and I want to see someone get tongue tied because they find me beautiful and worthy of their love and affection. I want a beau and a husband and children and a family of my own. Yet, the thought of this is terrifying because so much can go wrong.
I started journaling questions that I ask G-d. Recently it's regarding the purpose of marriage, the reason of life, what I am supposed to be doing, and my purpose. Also, why does the Bible mention things like David was handsome and Esther was the most beautiful woman in the land if it also tells us to not see a person's exterior as much as we focus on their actions and what those tell us about their heart? This started because I still have no idea of the purpose of marriage. I asked my friend, who is Catholic, what marriage means to her. She went on and on about how she wants the Cinderella charmed life. I told her that I felt G-d was telling me that there is more and that there is a deeper purpose. She refuted the idea and told me that I over-think everything. While this is true, I don't think I would have this nagging thought that there is something more if there is not something the Ruach Hakodesh (Holy Spirit) is trying to get me to understand. It's such a frustrating feeling but it's also good because I know that He is trying to talk to me and reveal something monumental to me. I'll keep you updated on what He shows me.
Well, enough procrastinating. I have to go start and finish my paper. Major writer's block for academic writings today.
I had a group presentation and it went really well today. We talked about euthanasia... Not a fun subject. My campus also closed down due to weather issues. We were hoping for a snow day all day because the roads were awful. All of a sudden, during other group presentations, someone announces randomly that school was cancelled! (We have a text message system through the school that alerts us of campus closings and everything.) Then they said that the snow day did not start until after our class finished about an hour later. Such disappointment!!! Anyway, I almost had a snow day and nearly got out of my group presentation. Unfortunately, it did not come in time. C'est la vie.
The first was visiting my church of 10 years, the one I grew up in. It is also the one that "kicked" our family out because we had differing opinions. They actually didn't kick us out, they just put us down and refused to cease making fun of our ideas and findings while they took a man's word on what G-d means instead of talking to Him about it. If y'all haven't figured it out yet, I don't take too kindly to people raggin' on me when I can't fight back because I was 10 and all the old ladies were underestimating my ability to make my own decisions. Anyway, my brother was driving us and he decided to stop by the church. It was awkward. Only out old youth pastor was there, at first. For the initial 45 minutes that my brother and I were there, the youth pastor talked only to my brother (unless I interjected). It hurt, however, I did not cry or feel like crying after the visit. Normally I do because I suspected that he and his wife never cared for me and all of my past visits have confirmed this suspicion. I finally feel like I don't have to go back, nor do I want to go back ever again. This is healing and this is moving on with my life. No more focusing on the past and my hurt. I will learn from what has happened, but the bitterness is nearly gone and my experiences are allowing me to branch out to the outsiders that I encounter in my everyday life.
Also, I started reading for fun again! I love books. I read a whole book in a day. I also figured out how to get library books onto my iPad without ever leaving my house. What a beautiful invention! Someday, I hope that they increase the amount of ebooks online to be checked out from my local libraries because when I graduate and have some free time, I will likely go through all of them in a matter of months. Unfortunately, no books looked interesting except for romance novels. I have learned in the past that these make me quite bitter and angry for several months. Now, I should not be upset because G-d has protected my heart on so many occasions from being broken in frivolous relationships that would have clearly been dangerous. On the other hand, I tend to throw myself pity parties during/after reading these types of books because I find myself wanting that sort of attention. I want love and a guy to look at me and think: hey, I love this girl so much I want to spend the rest of my life with her. In reality, I think I want the assurance that there is someone committed to me and we pledge and make a binding contract to stay together. Does this really mean that we will live a long happy life married to only each other and be madly in love until we die in each others arms while sleeping one night because we are extremely old and G-d decides to take us home? (run-on, I know. They get worse as my thoughts begin to spill uninterrupted) Absolutely not. I have seen marriages with a firm foundation based on G-d be broken because of unexpected death or a poor decision to sleep with another person in a moment of inappropriate passion and bad judgement. I have witnessed the pain and total brokenness of families and the faces of distraught children over these matters. Marriages that were seen as the model for the church and were expected to go the distance have crumbled. Lives were shattered and pain is left with the rubble.
Having said all that, is it worth it to even desire marriage? I am a pessimist and an analyst. One of my many motto's is: Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. In order to prepare for the worst, I imagine and observe as many bad scenarios as possible so that I can formulate plans of action to avoid or weather the storms that will occur. So, I see the bad that can come from a situation and expect it. I plan for people taking advantage of me (in marriage, friendships, and everywhere). I assume that people get enough of me so that I don't push myself onto people to avoid them becoming burnt out with me. I try to avoid situations that can lead to pain and therefore often just stay at home and refuse human contact. Even still, I have this desire to have a boyfriend. Folks, if you are confused then I apologize, but this even has me at a loss for words. I want something but I don't want it all at the same time. It's like my "heart" and my head are having a war because I know dating is dangerous (logical reasoning from my head) but my heart is wanting to be loved and to feel butterflies and I want to see someone get tongue tied because they find me beautiful and worthy of their love and affection. I want a beau and a husband and children and a family of my own. Yet, the thought of this is terrifying because so much can go wrong.
I started journaling questions that I ask G-d. Recently it's regarding the purpose of marriage, the reason of life, what I am supposed to be doing, and my purpose. Also, why does the Bible mention things like David was handsome and Esther was the most beautiful woman in the land if it also tells us to not see a person's exterior as much as we focus on their actions and what those tell us about their heart? This started because I still have no idea of the purpose of marriage. I asked my friend, who is Catholic, what marriage means to her. She went on and on about how she wants the Cinderella charmed life. I told her that I felt G-d was telling me that there is more and that there is a deeper purpose. She refuted the idea and told me that I over-think everything. While this is true, I don't think I would have this nagging thought that there is something more if there is not something the Ruach Hakodesh (Holy Spirit) is trying to get me to understand. It's such a frustrating feeling but it's also good because I know that He is trying to talk to me and reveal something monumental to me. I'll keep you updated on what He shows me.
Well, enough procrastinating. I have to go start and finish my paper. Major writer's block for academic writings today.
I had a group presentation and it went really well today. We talked about euthanasia... Not a fun subject. My campus also closed down due to weather issues. We were hoping for a snow day all day because the roads were awful. All of a sudden, during other group presentations, someone announces randomly that school was cancelled! (We have a text message system through the school that alerts us of campus closings and everything.) Then they said that the snow day did not start until after our class finished about an hour later. Such disappointment!!! Anyway, I almost had a snow day and nearly got out of my group presentation. Unfortunately, it did not come in time. C'est la vie.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Lost My Motivation...
Let's start off with some good news: My pharmacology teacher, after weeks of saying we would not be able to do it, sent out an email this morning saying that we could use our books on our upcoming test!!! My heart swelled and I am so relieved because I need at least a B, but I'm hoping for an A. Praise the L-rd! He answered my prayer to let us use our books.
Today I texted country boy first because I figured I would see if he would keep the conversation going. Not so much. He has asked me if we can hang out though...
I took my patho test and felt better than I've ever felt about one of these tests before. That also scares me, though, because sometimes that means that I made silly mistakes and didn't do as well as I had hoped. I'll let you guys know how I did when the scores are posted.
Well, I should be studying for my other two tests (of 3) I have this week. I had 5.5 hours today to study. I read Gathering Blue instead. (You should look into reading that book, btw. It is part of a 4 book "series." They don't really go fully together, but they are very interesting. They are written by Lois Lowry and the series starts with The Giver.) Now, I have a few more hours to study yet I'm watching t.v., texting country boy, and now writing this post. Folks, I lost my motivation.
I'm going to go look for it...
Today I texted country boy first because I figured I would see if he would keep the conversation going. Not so much. He has asked me if we can hang out though...
I took my patho test and felt better than I've ever felt about one of these tests before. That also scares me, though, because sometimes that means that I made silly mistakes and didn't do as well as I had hoped. I'll let you guys know how I did when the scores are posted.
Well, I should be studying for my other two tests (of 3) I have this week. I had 5.5 hours today to study. I read Gathering Blue instead. (You should look into reading that book, btw. It is part of a 4 book "series." They don't really go fully together, but they are very interesting. They are written by Lois Lowry and the series starts with The Giver.) Now, I have a few more hours to study yet I'm watching t.v., texting country boy, and now writing this post. Folks, I lost my motivation.
I'm going to go look for it...
Thursday, October 10, 2013
"They're starting to build their own eco-systems..."
This, as said by my brother, amused me far more than it should have. He was asking me to do the dishes because we are out of all dishes because neither of us have done them at all this week. This is way gross, I know, but I'm a college student and don't have a whole lot of time.
I did clean my room today, though! I also finished unpacking my room because I haven't completely unpacked since I moved in here over the summer. Unpacking is huge for me because since we lost our house when I was in high school, I never trust that that won't happen again. Plus, I have moved almost every year since then and it is a huge inconvenience to pack and unpack an umpteen number of times as I move from house to house with my parents and also move back and forth from college. So, long story short, I am settling in even though I may only live here for another 8 months or so. I guess we'll see where the L-rd wants us next year!
I have a confession, though, I didn't clean my room just to clean. I cleaned it to avoid studying for my pharmacology test tomorrow. Super bad decision. I have studied for the test, however, for several hours over the past few days. Hopefully I don't fail it. I really need help learning how to study and I also need to teach myself motivation so I can start studying weeks ahead so that I can actually learn my material instead of guessing on every question. If only I could figure out how to do this...
Started on St. John's Wort today. I am self-medicating to see if I can avoid going to the doctor for my depression symptoms. My brother has been informed to watch for worsening symptoms in me, but I doubt it will begin to kick in for a few weeks.
I had a Redbull and sweet tea. It explains a lot about this post, I know.
Another bad decision: I have been listening to country music for the past few days. Also, I keep playing with make-up when I come home. I am trying to decide if I should wear it tomorrow, but I probably won't.
Do you ever feel like being surrounded by tons of friends and having everyone do something fun with you? I'm having one of those days. By tomorrow I should be back to my normal self, trying to avoid any contact with anyone.
Pinterest has suddenly caught my attention. I find myself planning outfits, dates, and my wedding. I don't have any prospect of getting a boyfriend anytime soon, but my poor decision to listen to country music has got me thinking about what type of bf I want, what we should do on dates, and how I want to look on said dates. I need to stop this nonsense before it gets me in more trouble with myself!
Daily Thanksgiving: I made it to work today. I cleaned my room. My day went by quickly. I got Chick-fil-a and sweet tea. I am getting better at doing my make-up. I got some hopefully helpful herbs to help with my current sad and helpless state. I get to go home (real home) to see my mama, daddy, and my dog! I have studied over the past few days so I'm not super stressed about my coming pharm test, but I'm still nervous because this class is nuts!
Good night y'all.
I did clean my room today, though! I also finished unpacking my room because I haven't completely unpacked since I moved in here over the summer. Unpacking is huge for me because since we lost our house when I was in high school, I never trust that that won't happen again. Plus, I have moved almost every year since then and it is a huge inconvenience to pack and unpack an umpteen number of times as I move from house to house with my parents and also move back and forth from college. So, long story short, I am settling in even though I may only live here for another 8 months or so. I guess we'll see where the L-rd wants us next year!
I have a confession, though, I didn't clean my room just to clean. I cleaned it to avoid studying for my pharmacology test tomorrow. Super bad decision. I have studied for the test, however, for several hours over the past few days. Hopefully I don't fail it. I really need help learning how to study and I also need to teach myself motivation so I can start studying weeks ahead so that I can actually learn my material instead of guessing on every question. If only I could figure out how to do this...
Started on St. John's Wort today. I am self-medicating to see if I can avoid going to the doctor for my depression symptoms. My brother has been informed to watch for worsening symptoms in me, but I doubt it will begin to kick in for a few weeks.
I had a Redbull and sweet tea. It explains a lot about this post, I know.
Another bad decision: I have been listening to country music for the past few days. Also, I keep playing with make-up when I come home. I am trying to decide if I should wear it tomorrow, but I probably won't.
Do you ever feel like being surrounded by tons of friends and having everyone do something fun with you? I'm having one of those days. By tomorrow I should be back to my normal self, trying to avoid any contact with anyone.
Pinterest has suddenly caught my attention. I find myself planning outfits, dates, and my wedding. I don't have any prospect of getting a boyfriend anytime soon, but my poor decision to listen to country music has got me thinking about what type of bf I want, what we should do on dates, and how I want to look on said dates. I need to stop this nonsense before it gets me in more trouble with myself!
Daily Thanksgiving: I made it to work today. I cleaned my room. My day went by quickly. I got Chick-fil-a and sweet tea. I am getting better at doing my make-up. I got some hopefully helpful herbs to help with my current sad and helpless state. I get to go home (real home) to see my mama, daddy, and my dog! I have studied over the past few days so I'm not super stressed about my coming pharm test, but I'm still nervous because this class is nuts!
Good night y'all.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Tech Support, this is BedpanAlley...
I got to work in one of our academic buildings today after my shift in the library because someone was sick. Guys, I LOVED it! Let's start off by mentioning that I opened as IT support in the library this morning. We had a power surge a few hours after opening and that causes a surprising amount of problems for computers and technology campus-wide. In the library I had a lot of trouble shooting and I thought I broke one of the printers that cost a billion dollars (I'm exaggerating here). It turns out that I didn't, it just needed to be shown who is boss. Well, I just restarted it... After that shift, I went over to our main IT help desk in one of the nearby academic buildings. They were still fixing a lot of problems by the time I left at 4:30 p.m. However, I learned a ton and I got a walkie talkie over there. I missed having a radio from my cashiering job, they really are fun and convenient.
So, my day went really well and I like my boss even more because every time I would ask a question over the radio, he would meet me there without even asking for his help just to make sure that I had help should I need it. He is super nice, nicer than any of my bosses from any previous job. Well, that's not counting the lady I babysit for, or any of the families I have babysat for really because I love them all like they were my own family. I hope I get more training in that IT position so that I can be there next semester. That's how they usually do it, but I just get so excited for it to actually come and I get so excited to learn all this new, great stuff. After days like today, I feel so much smarter but I also realize how much I didn't know and how much there still is to learn. Perhaps someday I can be one of the student managers. Until then, I am content working in the slow-paced library and learning little baby bits over time because if I had many more days like today, my brain may explode from the huge increase in knowledge from class and from work!
That brings me to something I discovered today: I am really strange to those just getting to know me. I had heard it before but never understood the magnitude of my strangeness before today. My boss' wife is a NICU nurse at a local hospital that I had a CNA position offer for so he knows some of the nursing stuff, not much, but a little I think. He asked me how classes were and, being the crazy person that I am, I started telling him about how much fun I had reconstituting the fake powdered medicine in one of my classes and also went on about how I love playing with needles and vials of "medicine." My coworker was also in on the conversation and those two guys just smiled and looked at me like I needed to be locked up and given huge amounts of crazy pills. Maybe it's because my face lights up and I start talking really fast because I'm excited about it, or maybe it's the fact that I told them I love playing with needles. I don't know. I do know, however, that I get this look a lot. I can't help it that I share stuff that excited me about school and I want people to share what they are excited about too. I love when things finally pertain to my career choice and I think it's neat that I can love going to class because of the little things like this that make my week. Perhaps I do need to keep the fact that I love needles on the DL, but for right now, I just can't manage keeping that inside. I bet telling them that I get my blood drawn just to watch the needle go into my arm and to see the blood that used to be inside of me was most likely a tad much. But hey, at least I'm genuine, honest, and excited to be going into nursing. I don't want to be a nurse for the money, 3 work days a week, or for the ability to travel the country for a huge increase in pay. No, I want to be a nurse to care for the sick, injured, and dying in order to help them through this stage in their life with as much dignity and comfort as possible. I want to be a way for G-d's healing and love to reach those who are hurting and in need.
Daily Thanksgiving: I got training for one of the higher IT level positions. I learned a ton and had really nice teachers that called me for help and were patient when I didn't know what to do. I was paired with an amazing student manager who is a great teacher and explained everything with great amounts of grace and patience. (Are you noticing a pattern with the patience?) G-d revealed to me that I am crazy, but it's a good kind of crazy that will give me the purpose I need to continue on as a nurse. I have amazing bosses at my new IT job! That's a big one with me. My mom is also coming down tomorrow for a quick little visit before I go to my doctor's appointment tomorrow (more on that later.) We are getting so much rain here it's not even funny. I love the rain though! However, we had several fires this year and a few last year which is causing a lot of problems now that it is raining. So, if we could get prayer that no more people be killed and that no damage is done to the houses in the burn scars, that would be great!
BTW, the title is how we answer the phone. I know I wouldn't have known that so I'm just trying to help you guys out. :)
So, my day went really well and I like my boss even more because every time I would ask a question over the radio, he would meet me there without even asking for his help just to make sure that I had help should I need it. He is super nice, nicer than any of my bosses from any previous job. Well, that's not counting the lady I babysit for, or any of the families I have babysat for really because I love them all like they were my own family. I hope I get more training in that IT position so that I can be there next semester. That's how they usually do it, but I just get so excited for it to actually come and I get so excited to learn all this new, great stuff. After days like today, I feel so much smarter but I also realize how much I didn't know and how much there still is to learn. Perhaps someday I can be one of the student managers. Until then, I am content working in the slow-paced library and learning little baby bits over time because if I had many more days like today, my brain may explode from the huge increase in knowledge from class and from work!
That brings me to something I discovered today: I am really strange to those just getting to know me. I had heard it before but never understood the magnitude of my strangeness before today. My boss' wife is a NICU nurse at a local hospital that I had a CNA position offer for so he knows some of the nursing stuff, not much, but a little I think. He asked me how classes were and, being the crazy person that I am, I started telling him about how much fun I had reconstituting the fake powdered medicine in one of my classes and also went on about how I love playing with needles and vials of "medicine." My coworker was also in on the conversation and those two guys just smiled and looked at me like I needed to be locked up and given huge amounts of crazy pills. Maybe it's because my face lights up and I start talking really fast because I'm excited about it, or maybe it's the fact that I told them I love playing with needles. I don't know. I do know, however, that I get this look a lot. I can't help it that I share stuff that excited me about school and I want people to share what they are excited about too. I love when things finally pertain to my career choice and I think it's neat that I can love going to class because of the little things like this that make my week. Perhaps I do need to keep the fact that I love needles on the DL, but for right now, I just can't manage keeping that inside. I bet telling them that I get my blood drawn just to watch the needle go into my arm and to see the blood that used to be inside of me was most likely a tad much. But hey, at least I'm genuine, honest, and excited to be going into nursing. I don't want to be a nurse for the money, 3 work days a week, or for the ability to travel the country for a huge increase in pay. No, I want to be a nurse to care for the sick, injured, and dying in order to help them through this stage in their life with as much dignity and comfort as possible. I want to be a way for G-d's healing and love to reach those who are hurting and in need.
Daily Thanksgiving: I got training for one of the higher IT level positions. I learned a ton and had really nice teachers that called me for help and were patient when I didn't know what to do. I was paired with an amazing student manager who is a great teacher and explained everything with great amounts of grace and patience. (Are you noticing a pattern with the patience?) G-d revealed to me that I am crazy, but it's a good kind of crazy that will give me the purpose I need to continue on as a nurse. I have amazing bosses at my new IT job! That's a big one with me. My mom is also coming down tomorrow for a quick little visit before I go to my doctor's appointment tomorrow (more on that later.) We are getting so much rain here it's not even funny. I love the rain though! However, we had several fires this year and a few last year which is causing a lot of problems now that it is raining. So, if we could get prayer that no more people be killed and that no damage is done to the houses in the burn scars, that would be great!
BTW, the title is how we answer the phone. I know I wouldn't have known that so I'm just trying to help you guys out. :)
Monday, August 5, 2013
All Day School
I forgot how tough it was to sit through class all day! I am taking a summer/interim course that condenses a whole semester into a week and I keep almost falling asleep in class because I get so bored. The internet doesn't even work in the class so I keep nodding off during lecture and it's nearly impossible to keep my eyes open. The morning is worse than the afternoon for some reason, but I'm now done with about 4-5 weeks (out of 15) of the course! I love these condensed courses. Just get it all done with all together so that I don't have to mess with it anymore when I have so many other classes during the normal semester.
If you have to option to take a condensed course or a semester course, do the condensed. It is tough and intense, but you study as you go and the teachers are usually more inclined to grade easier and have slightly easier tests because it is so much work in such a short time.
By the time I get home I'm exhausted, my brain is fried, I'm starving and I just want to veg. I was more productive today though! For all of you procrastinators out there, not procrastinating is actually easier than it seems. I came home, cooked, watched a little t.v., and then started studying. It's not that bad, you just have to eat some carbs (I like apples and peanut butter) for brain fuel, and then dig into studying! It's be over before you know it as long as you stay focused. I think my major problem staying focused was the fact that I usually eat the wrong things and then I want to snack the whole time I should be studying so I start munching. Before you know it, I have gained 10 pounds in a week because I should be studying for a test but I get bored ad begin to eat. So, eat carbs (brain food) and some protein with a little fiber (to keep you full) and study, study, study. It's really helped me, today anyway.
Now that I'm done, I'm kinda really want to go to the county fair with my guy friends. I think I'm a little low on testosterone... I can't fix that this week, though. I have a mid-term Wednesday and a final on Friday. This means you'll likely hear from me a whole lot this week, unless I can fix my procrastination/binge eating cycle... We'll see.
Daily Thanksgiving: I made it through the first day of class and I'm close to a quarter of the way done! My family reunion is on Saturday and I get to see my favorite people EVER in my favorite place! I am getting better with cutting down on procrastination. I get to go to sleep now.
On a completely random note, I was recently informed that I am introspective. I guess it makes sense. I don't really see it because I'm constantly listening to my own, non-ending thoughts. I had a revelation the other day, but I kinda forget it right now. Once I remember it and have it "well worded" (as good as it gets from me, anyway), I will share it with you. It will probably seem like common sense to you, but it was profoundly powerful when G-d gave me the revelation so maybe it can help someone.
If you have to option to take a condensed course or a semester course, do the condensed. It is tough and intense, but you study as you go and the teachers are usually more inclined to grade easier and have slightly easier tests because it is so much work in such a short time.
By the time I get home I'm exhausted, my brain is fried, I'm starving and I just want to veg. I was more productive today though! For all of you procrastinators out there, not procrastinating is actually easier than it seems. I came home, cooked, watched a little t.v., and then started studying. It's not that bad, you just have to eat some carbs (I like apples and peanut butter) for brain fuel, and then dig into studying! It's be over before you know it as long as you stay focused. I think my major problem staying focused was the fact that I usually eat the wrong things and then I want to snack the whole time I should be studying so I start munching. Before you know it, I have gained 10 pounds in a week because I should be studying for a test but I get bored ad begin to eat. So, eat carbs (brain food) and some protein with a little fiber (to keep you full) and study, study, study. It's really helped me, today anyway.
Now that I'm done, I'm kinda really want to go to the county fair with my guy friends. I think I'm a little low on testosterone... I can't fix that this week, though. I have a mid-term Wednesday and a final on Friday. This means you'll likely hear from me a whole lot this week, unless I can fix my procrastination/binge eating cycle... We'll see.
Daily Thanksgiving: I made it through the first day of class and I'm close to a quarter of the way done! My family reunion is on Saturday and I get to see my favorite people EVER in my favorite place! I am getting better with cutting down on procrastination. I get to go to sleep now.
On a completely random note, I was recently informed that I am introspective. I guess it makes sense. I don't really see it because I'm constantly listening to my own, non-ending thoughts. I had a revelation the other day, but I kinda forget it right now. Once I remember it and have it "well worded" (as good as it gets from me, anyway), I will share it with you. It will probably seem like common sense to you, but it was profoundly powerful when G-d gave me the revelation so maybe it can help someone.
Friday, August 2, 2013
Sippin' Sweet Tea
Just sittin' here sippin' some home-made sweet tea wishing the sugar hadn't settled to the bottom (I'm drinking the last bit of it and boy howdie! It is far too sweet for me.) I took my lab practical and final chapter exam Wednesday and I take my comprehensive final today.
Chapter Exam: 72% after adjustments
Lab Practical: 88% (I'm really pleased with this score because I was sure I hadn't done very well)
Comprehensive Final: I will update you later
I am having huge troubles studying though! 1) I have never taken a true comprehensive final before. My teacher says she gives the same final every semester to see how she is doing with teaching, but I heard it is ridiculously hard. Like, harder than her other tests. Plus, I heard this from some of the smartest people in our class who had to take it early because they have lives this summer. 2) I calculated the minimum score I need to pass the class. It's a 0. So, if I wanted to pass with a C and not worry about it anymore, then I could just skip this silly test. 3) I calculated what I need to pass with a B. That's only 30/120 points. This was probably a really bad thing to do because I have not been studying well all day. Knowing that an A is impossible and passing is a sure-thing, I have given up my fight with this class. I just don't care. That's not totally true. I do care, but I'm one of those people that will give up trying so hard for something if the outcome is so certain (as is the case here). I kinda wish I wasn't like this, but I wish that I would have done a million things differently this summer instead so that my A could have been earned, even if I did have to fight really hard for it. At least then I would know that I did my best. I think that's what bugs me about not getting A's. It's the fact that there is a score reminding me that I did not live up to my expectations or goals, especially when I only had this one class to take!
C'est la vie, eh?
On the bright side, my mom is here at our apartment and she brought... my Punkin! (Yes, I know I technically spelled that wrong, but that's how I pronounce it). It's my dog. The sweet, miracle of a dog G-d blessed me with in the 6th grade who embodies the entirety of a 6-8 page journal prayer. I still have the prayer too. She is my baby and I have missed her so much! When I come home, or when she gets to see me after being apart for a long time, she is so happy that she does this little wriggle thing and starts whining. The whining is super weird for her because she never whines or barks, unless there is an intruder or some kind of danger or when she sees me, I guess.
Work went really well yesterday. I worked with my favorite CNA and my favorite LPN last night. Both of them are trying to set me up with the LPN's brother. Good news there: he's not moving here anymore. He is on the army reserve and could not get transferred to this state from his home state so now I don't really have to worry about this fictional relationship suddenly coming to life. They are still quite convinced we'll find each other in some romantic, serendipitous way and he'll bring me home to meet his family where I will find the LPN welcoming me to the family with open arms. Me: ya, that's not gonna happen. But, I kept up with the girl who works that floor every night and I even had harder people. Well, normally they are harder, but everyone was completely exhausted last night. Normally, some people will stay up until 10 or 11 p.m. Everyone was in bed by 8:30... It was beautiful!
More to come tonight if I can remember. Daily Thanksgiving will likely be done then too. Hey, are y'all trying the thanksgiving thing? You know, everyday you find something new to be thankful to G-d for, even silly stuff like no traffic jam or sleepy residents. It can change your life and prevent the psychology thing of one wrong thing making you think of everything else that went bad that day. Just try it, it's good stuff.
Off to take a shower, get ready for my comprehensive final and then... NO MORE MICROBIOLOGY!!! Plus, shopping with my mom. Yay!
Chapter Exam: 72% after adjustments
Lab Practical: 88% (I'm really pleased with this score because I was sure I hadn't done very well)
Comprehensive Final: I will update you later
I am having huge troubles studying though! 1) I have never taken a true comprehensive final before. My teacher says she gives the same final every semester to see how she is doing with teaching, but I heard it is ridiculously hard. Like, harder than her other tests. Plus, I heard this from some of the smartest people in our class who had to take it early because they have lives this summer. 2) I calculated the minimum score I need to pass the class. It's a 0. So, if I wanted to pass with a C and not worry about it anymore, then I could just skip this silly test. 3) I calculated what I need to pass with a B. That's only 30/120 points. This was probably a really bad thing to do because I have not been studying well all day. Knowing that an A is impossible and passing is a sure-thing, I have given up my fight with this class. I just don't care. That's not totally true. I do care, but I'm one of those people that will give up trying so hard for something if the outcome is so certain (as is the case here). I kinda wish I wasn't like this, but I wish that I would have done a million things differently this summer instead so that my A could have been earned, even if I did have to fight really hard for it. At least then I would know that I did my best. I think that's what bugs me about not getting A's. It's the fact that there is a score reminding me that I did not live up to my expectations or goals, especially when I only had this one class to take!
C'est la vie, eh?
On the bright side, my mom is here at our apartment and she brought... my Punkin! (Yes, I know I technically spelled that wrong, but that's how I pronounce it). It's my dog. The sweet, miracle of a dog G-d blessed me with in the 6th grade who embodies the entirety of a 6-8 page journal prayer. I still have the prayer too. She is my baby and I have missed her so much! When I come home, or when she gets to see me after being apart for a long time, she is so happy that she does this little wriggle thing and starts whining. The whining is super weird for her because she never whines or barks, unless there is an intruder or some kind of danger or when she sees me, I guess.
Work went really well yesterday. I worked with my favorite CNA and my favorite LPN last night. Both of them are trying to set me up with the LPN's brother. Good news there: he's not moving here anymore. He is on the army reserve and could not get transferred to this state from his home state so now I don't really have to worry about this fictional relationship suddenly coming to life. They are still quite convinced we'll find each other in some romantic, serendipitous way and he'll bring me home to meet his family where I will find the LPN welcoming me to the family with open arms. Me: ya, that's not gonna happen. But, I kept up with the girl who works that floor every night and I even had harder people. Well, normally they are harder, but everyone was completely exhausted last night. Normally, some people will stay up until 10 or 11 p.m. Everyone was in bed by 8:30... It was beautiful!
More to come tonight if I can remember. Daily Thanksgiving will likely be done then too. Hey, are y'all trying the thanksgiving thing? You know, everyday you find something new to be thankful to G-d for, even silly stuff like no traffic jam or sleepy residents. It can change your life and prevent the psychology thing of one wrong thing making you think of everything else that went bad that day. Just try it, it's good stuff.
Off to take a shower, get ready for my comprehensive final and then... NO MORE MICROBIOLOGY!!! Plus, shopping with my mom. Yay!
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Semi-successful Day
All I've done today is study, from 10 a.m. on. Of course, I had minor breaks to eat, stretch, take a nap... and various other things that may have caught my attention at one point or another. But, for the most part, I studied. I really need a high A on my chem test and I can go as low as a C on my psych test tomorrow, but I would like to get higher of course. Unfortunately, it's a beautiful day outside and I am wasting it sitting in my room, relearning all the material needed for finals. Hopefully this will be enough studying, but currently, I'm not so sure that it will be.
It's days like this when I wish I could just clean and pack my dorm room instead. I'd rather be doing almost anything but studying because it's soooooo boring! L-rd willing, this week will go by quickly and successfully and I will get good grades. Then, I can go home and enjoy a week with no classes, no work, and the celebration of my baby brother's graduation from high school. I can't believe I missed most of his senior year because I was busy with my freshman year of college and lived an hour away from him. It's just so weird that we are both almost full-fledged adults (he doesn't turn 18 until the end of August). Thinking on it won't let it be untrue though, so I might as well just suck it up and accept that we can no longer be children, now we have to navigate life on our own. But, I'm pretty excited that he's thinking of coming down to my university for school and he might even get an apartment with me!
Daily Thanksgiving: Today is almost done, which means tomorrow's tests are almost done. That all means that summer is nearly here! I am thankful for the amount of studying that G-d has allowed me to complete today, because I have actually been very productive considering my normal study habits. Also, I am grateful that G-d put in my head to take off from work today, because I would have had much less studying actually completed by now. Instead, I was able to go slow, take my time, relax, and truly learn the material (or so I hope).
It's days like this when I wish I could just clean and pack my dorm room instead. I'd rather be doing almost anything but studying because it's soooooo boring! L-rd willing, this week will go by quickly and successfully and I will get good grades. Then, I can go home and enjoy a week with no classes, no work, and the celebration of my baby brother's graduation from high school. I can't believe I missed most of his senior year because I was busy with my freshman year of college and lived an hour away from him. It's just so weird that we are both almost full-fledged adults (he doesn't turn 18 until the end of August). Thinking on it won't let it be untrue though, so I might as well just suck it up and accept that we can no longer be children, now we have to navigate life on our own. But, I'm pretty excited that he's thinking of coming down to my university for school and he might even get an apartment with me!
Daily Thanksgiving: Today is almost done, which means tomorrow's tests are almost done. That all means that summer is nearly here! I am thankful for the amount of studying that G-d has allowed me to complete today, because I have actually been very productive considering my normal study habits. Also, I am grateful that G-d put in my head to take off from work today, because I would have had much less studying actually completed by now. Instead, I was able to go slow, take my time, relax, and truly learn the material (or so I hope).
Friday, May 10, 2013
Day of Study
Today was supposed to be my day to study, but it wasn't very successful. I only completed my paper which took about 6 hours even though I only needed to write two paragraphs. But that's my fault, I kept messing around. Oh well.
Shabbat Shalom! This is my final Sabbath that I have to spend at school and that makes me so very happy. I am very thankful for this day of rest especially in finals week. Unfortunately, I am often confused as to what I should do when I have loads of schoolwork that I need to complete but am supposed to rest on the Sabbath.
Tonight at school they are having this silly run where you donate the clothes - all but your underwear - and then go for a run with hundreds of other students... IN YOUR UNDERWEAR! This is obviously not something I am going to take part in because my guy swim trunks and short sleeve surf shirt is not even modest enough for me, let alone nothing but my skivvies! I hope all the students have fun. But just started raining... Golly, it's probably sick that I think it's hilarious for us to get rain just as everyone is getting undressed together, but I do find it entertaining that they are now nearly naked and about to get soaked. It's not even a warm rain, it's actually getting chilly out.
Daily Thanksgiving: I turned in my last English paper early, which is so out of character for me. It is now Shabbat and I have a day of rest before crunch time hits me like a train for finals. I don't have to work on Sunday so I can actually study for my chem and psych finals that take place on Monday. Also, I am very thankful that G-d gave me two days between my first two finals and my anatomy final. Plus, the anatomy final will have some reproductive questions on it and I love the reproductive system!!! I am almost done with freshman year and it feels so good. I can't believe I only have tests and then I am done. It seems like I was just moving in, then I was just changing rooms and then here I am packing up to leave. I have matured though and G-d has taught me a lot in this short amount of time. Now I wish I would have started blogging at the beginning of my schooling journey instead of half way into my first year, but it is what it is and as I think of stories I will share, because there are lots of lessons to be learned from this silly - sometimes foolish - girl.
Shabbat Shalom! This is my final Sabbath that I have to spend at school and that makes me so very happy. I am very thankful for this day of rest especially in finals week. Unfortunately, I am often confused as to what I should do when I have loads of schoolwork that I need to complete but am supposed to rest on the Sabbath.
Tonight at school they are having this silly run where you donate the clothes - all but your underwear - and then go for a run with hundreds of other students... IN YOUR UNDERWEAR! This is obviously not something I am going to take part in because my guy swim trunks and short sleeve surf shirt is not even modest enough for me, let alone nothing but my skivvies! I hope all the students have fun. But just started raining... Golly, it's probably sick that I think it's hilarious for us to get rain just as everyone is getting undressed together, but I do find it entertaining that they are now nearly naked and about to get soaked. It's not even a warm rain, it's actually getting chilly out.
Daily Thanksgiving: I turned in my last English paper early, which is so out of character for me. It is now Shabbat and I have a day of rest before crunch time hits me like a train for finals. I don't have to work on Sunday so I can actually study for my chem and psych finals that take place on Monday. Also, I am very thankful that G-d gave me two days between my first two finals and my anatomy final. Plus, the anatomy final will have some reproductive questions on it and I love the reproductive system!!! I am almost done with freshman year and it feels so good. I can't believe I only have tests and then I am done. It seems like I was just moving in, then I was just changing rooms and then here I am packing up to leave. I have matured though and G-d has taught me a lot in this short amount of time. Now I wish I would have started blogging at the beginning of my schooling journey instead of half way into my first year, but it is what it is and as I think of stories I will share, because there are lots of lessons to be learned from this silly - sometimes foolish - girl.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Fun Facts
Just a warning, this next post talks about sex, artificial and natural insemination and some other random things that may be considered offensive. Forgive me for the images that may be brought to mind and also for bringing up this subject. Seeing as I am hoping to be a midwife, these things do not bother me and I am actually quite fascinated with reproduction and babies and everything, but I understand that it may not be deemed appropriate, especially for a woman of faith (such as myself). Unfortunately, I cannot discuss such matters with my friends because they will all leave me for being even weirder than they had originally discovered...
So, I am writing a paper about the views of college students on marriage and yada, yada, yada. Anyway, I was encouraged to do some research about counter arguments to my claim, one of the counter arguments being that infertility treatments are often expensive and time-consuming and stressful. You know the whole thing, I'm sure. Anyway, I was looking into the costs of in-vitro and artificial insemination and I ran across an article explaining how to do artificial insemination at home... on your own. Of course, this is joked about in movies when women say they will just use a baster, but it never occurred to me that women actually do that at home. If you're at home, wouldn't natural insemination be easier than trying to collect everything and then put the "seed" into a cup and then into a needle-less syringe and everything else? I suppose it makes sense to no do it the natural way though because then that would involve all the hormones that bond you to someone else through sex, even if you don't kiss, because that's just how G-d designed it. Kinda funny how the girl who refuses to kiss anyone until she is married is wondering why people aren't just shacking up if they are trying to have a kid. I know, I am full of ideas and thoughts that make no sense and I promise, the constant incongruities drive me nuts too.
Just something to think about.
So, I am writing a paper about the views of college students on marriage and yada, yada, yada. Anyway, I was encouraged to do some research about counter arguments to my claim, one of the counter arguments being that infertility treatments are often expensive and time-consuming and stressful. You know the whole thing, I'm sure. Anyway, I was looking into the costs of in-vitro and artificial insemination and I ran across an article explaining how to do artificial insemination at home... on your own. Of course, this is joked about in movies when women say they will just use a baster, but it never occurred to me that women actually do that at home. If you're at home, wouldn't natural insemination be easier than trying to collect everything and then put the "seed" into a cup and then into a needle-less syringe and everything else? I suppose it makes sense to no do it the natural way though because then that would involve all the hormones that bond you to someone else through sex, even if you don't kiss, because that's just how G-d designed it. Kinda funny how the girl who refuses to kiss anyone until she is married is wondering why people aren't just shacking up if they are trying to have a kid. I know, I am full of ideas and thoughts that make no sense and I promise, the constant incongruities drive me nuts too.
Just something to think about.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Silly Mom
I just talked to my mom on the phone and mentioned that I think I am mentally unstable and she should get used to the fact that I may not be able to produce offspring for her... She laughed for a solid 5 minutes before being able to talk again.
She says I'm not mentally unstable and that I'm emotionally not mature enough, but she doesn't know the craziness that is in my head all the time! My brain does not even have normal functioning anymore. It's a miracle I can still even breathe on my own and feed myself.
By the way, I just Googled emotionally and mentally unstable, I fit most of the symptoms of emotional instability which means I may have a borderline personality disorder. Good news is that I already knew that. Bad news is that I am a hypochondriac that keeps getting the symptoms confirmed by silly websites online. I should be cut off from the internet because this is not a good situation for me...
On the brightest side, I made my mom laugh. I love making people laugh because it doesn't happen often. Also, I like to know that my mom is not worried about me too much that she can laugh when I bring new ridiculous problem to her.
Back to my paper. I have written a page and a half in a little over 3 hours and 10 pages are due tomorrow. Too bad my teacher can't just count all the posts I've written since sitting down to write said paper.
She says I'm not mentally unstable and that I'm emotionally not mature enough, but she doesn't know the craziness that is in my head all the time! My brain does not even have normal functioning anymore. It's a miracle I can still even breathe on my own and feed myself.
By the way, I just Googled emotionally and mentally unstable, I fit most of the symptoms of emotional instability which means I may have a borderline personality disorder. Good news is that I already knew that. Bad news is that I am a hypochondriac that keeps getting the symptoms confirmed by silly websites online. I should be cut off from the internet because this is not a good situation for me...
On the brightest side, I made my mom laugh. I love making people laugh because it doesn't happen often. Also, I like to know that my mom is not worried about me too much that she can laugh when I bring new ridiculous problem to her.
Back to my paper. I have written a page and a half in a little over 3 hours and 10 pages are due tomorrow. Too bad my teacher can't just count all the posts I've written since sitting down to write said paper.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Gettin' Nervous
Guys, it's coming down to the wire for so many things. The HESI is in 4 weeks, finals are the week after next, it's time to find an apartment, and I also need to transfer to a hospital so I can work more. So many things to do, it's just a tad bit overwhelming.
Yes, I finally registered for the HESI. I take it in the beginning of June and L-rd willing I pass the test with a high enough score that I can get accepted into nursing school! I forked over the $90 virtually and I'm a little saddened that I had to pay about 1/3 of my paycheck to taking a test. I guess that just means that I really have to study hard and do well so I don't have to take it again.
Currently, I'm at the library working on not procrastinating so much and I'm starting a bunch of my assignment early! So, the procrastinating is only getting cut slightly because I should probably not be writing right now, but I'm a work in progress...
Our apartment hunting went really well today. We found some great places and they are close to school. It scares me a little bit because 1) I'm moving out of my parents house which is so weird and 2) the places that we can afford all smell strange and have some shady characters. Regardless, we found some better places that are still cheap and one doesn't smell terribly funky, so we are making head-way.
Job applications are yet to be sent in. I have heard that I should be able to transfer to a hospital in the same family of owners, so hopefully that is true and I can start working 12 hour shifts instead of 8 hour shifts or a double. I don't think I can handle working a double, I would probably collapse from exhaustion.
Daily Thanksgiving: Apartment hunting was a success, we are closer to the end of our process. G-d kept us safe from the silly drivers found in our little town, because there are some creative driving styles here. I made it to the library instead of taking a nap, which is a success. I also started my 10 page paper a week early, which is a new concept for me, but I hope that when I finish that I feel good. Hopefully that good feeling can translate into the rest of my life and motivate me to not procrastinate and cut down my stress levels. I was feeling pretty sick earlier, but I think G-d is healing me before I actually get super sick! It's a beautiful day out and I may just be able to play football with my friends later. Also, G-d is decreasing my worry and helping me to get my work done before it's all due the same day. I got to have chick-fil-a for lunch which is probably my favorite fast food place ever because they have really nice staff and delicious food.
Yes, I finally registered for the HESI. I take it in the beginning of June and L-rd willing I pass the test with a high enough score that I can get accepted into nursing school! I forked over the $90 virtually and I'm a little saddened that I had to pay about 1/3 of my paycheck to taking a test. I guess that just means that I really have to study hard and do well so I don't have to take it again.
Currently, I'm at the library working on not procrastinating so much and I'm starting a bunch of my assignment early! So, the procrastinating is only getting cut slightly because I should probably not be writing right now, but I'm a work in progress...
Our apartment hunting went really well today. We found some great places and they are close to school. It scares me a little bit because 1) I'm moving out of my parents house which is so weird and 2) the places that we can afford all smell strange and have some shady characters. Regardless, we found some better places that are still cheap and one doesn't smell terribly funky, so we are making head-way.
Job applications are yet to be sent in. I have heard that I should be able to transfer to a hospital in the same family of owners, so hopefully that is true and I can start working 12 hour shifts instead of 8 hour shifts or a double. I don't think I can handle working a double, I would probably collapse from exhaustion.
Daily Thanksgiving: Apartment hunting was a success, we are closer to the end of our process. G-d kept us safe from the silly drivers found in our little town, because there are some creative driving styles here. I made it to the library instead of taking a nap, which is a success. I also started my 10 page paper a week early, which is a new concept for me, but I hope that when I finish that I feel good. Hopefully that good feeling can translate into the rest of my life and motivate me to not procrastinate and cut down my stress levels. I was feeling pretty sick earlier, but I think G-d is healing me before I actually get super sick! It's a beautiful day out and I may just be able to play football with my friends later. Also, G-d is decreasing my worry and helping me to get my work done before it's all due the same day. I got to have chick-fil-a for lunch which is probably my favorite fast food place ever because they have really nice staff and delicious food.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Presentation Done!
I hate talking in front of people. Public speaking is worse for me than taking a pop quiz, I just hate it. Today, I had to give a ten minute presentation on my paper for English. It went alright, not great, but I wasn't super nervous because G-d calmed my nerves a little bit. But, now it is done which means that besides homework, I only have: 3 finals, 2 lab tests, and a 10-12 page paper standing between me and my week-long summer break!
I was going to rant about something that I have been noticing the past few years, but I totally forgot what it is... So, I will likely write about it later, if I remember.
In the meantime, let's talk about weight. Dangerous subject, but I think I need to explain this to someone right now before I burst and just unload on one person. So, on the stairs hike I went on a few weeks ago, I was the slowest person. I called it and I had warned my group several times. Two guys stayed and went slow with me even though I told them to go ahead and I would meet them at the top. It was super sweet of them to stay with me and try to make me feel like I wasn't such a failure, but I know the truth. Anyway, the past few weeks I've gotten come flack, which I deserve, for having been the slowest person. I move slow anyway, but that was ridiculously slow for me because my legs stopped working... Regardless, I've been the chubby/fat kid in class for most of my life since second or third grade. That's nobody's fault but mine, I get that. I just get embarrassed talking about how chubby I still see myself or how unfit I continue to be. Yes, I am working on it, slowly, but I don't need it pointed out by friends. When people give me hugs, I can't stop thinking about my "love handles," which just happens to be the most ridiculous name for flabs of fat because I don't feel like being loved because I have these nuisances on my sides. When people hug me from behind, I get so self-conscious and I usually harp on that thought of "was I squishy?" or "did they notice my love handles when their hands lingered on the sides of my abdomen?" I am trying to move past this, but for right now, I just need to vent. Have y'all noticed that people lean in for far too many hugs, for far too long, and then they linger? Maybe I'm just around an odd group of especially touchy people, but I think I may lose it here directly. Even women at shul come in real close, lean in for a hug, and then when they decide the hug is over 3 hours later, they leave their hands on my sides. Worst feeling I think I've felt in a long time. I'm not a touchy person, so that probably plays a slight role in my hands phobia, but there is no need to be constantly feeling people around you.
Also, to you close talkers out there: Please get out of my bubble! You can always test people to see if they are close talkers because 1) they will stand really close, almost kissing distance, and begin a conversation 2) if you move back, they follow! This drives me nuts because I will back up 20 feet and into a wall and still can't get away from these silly people. I love you close talkers, I do, otherwise I wouldn't talk to you. With that said, get out of my space. I need at least an arms length (fully extended) between you and me. Even that is not far enough apart.
So, you hug lingerers and close talkers, just be aware that those of us with anxiety are freaking out around you because we never know when we will get hit with a full-on frontal-attach (hug) or hit by a wall (as we back up to give ourselves room to breathe). We love you, but we need space.
Any tips for workouts to make my flabs go away? They aren't just on the sides of my abdomen, they are all over. I'm still just a chubby girl, the chub is just better proportioned and distributed to where women are supposed to have curves from what society tells us. Maybe I'll just move to a country where it's attractive to be a little chunky. That way I could get away from the problems of this life and go get different problems in a different country with different people and a new view! Or, I'll just move to Scottland, or Iceland, or Holland, or something...
Big news: I'm moving out of the country! Just kidding, I only might move out of the country. But seriously, I have been looking into this!
Daily Thanksgiving: It's Thursday, meaning that it's my last day of classes for the week and I only have chem lab left today. That's amazing. 2 weeks of school left. Snow stopped, but it's still cold. I have been pretty productive since learning I am a Type A personality that gets close to maxing out the procrastination scale. Did I mention only 2 weeks left of school? I get to go apartment shopping tomorrow, again, but I'm still pretty excited. G-d has brought me to the end and He has kept me safe through most of my first year of college, and I believe He will continue to keep me safe through the last little stretch.
I was going to rant about something that I have been noticing the past few years, but I totally forgot what it is... So, I will likely write about it later, if I remember.
In the meantime, let's talk about weight. Dangerous subject, but I think I need to explain this to someone right now before I burst and just unload on one person. So, on the stairs hike I went on a few weeks ago, I was the slowest person. I called it and I had warned my group several times. Two guys stayed and went slow with me even though I told them to go ahead and I would meet them at the top. It was super sweet of them to stay with me and try to make me feel like I wasn't such a failure, but I know the truth. Anyway, the past few weeks I've gotten come flack, which I deserve, for having been the slowest person. I move slow anyway, but that was ridiculously slow for me because my legs stopped working... Regardless, I've been the chubby/fat kid in class for most of my life since second or third grade. That's nobody's fault but mine, I get that. I just get embarrassed talking about how chubby I still see myself or how unfit I continue to be. Yes, I am working on it, slowly, but I don't need it pointed out by friends. When people give me hugs, I can't stop thinking about my "love handles," which just happens to be the most ridiculous name for flabs of fat because I don't feel like being loved because I have these nuisances on my sides. When people hug me from behind, I get so self-conscious and I usually harp on that thought of "was I squishy?" or "did they notice my love handles when their hands lingered on the sides of my abdomen?" I am trying to move past this, but for right now, I just need to vent. Have y'all noticed that people lean in for far too many hugs, for far too long, and then they linger? Maybe I'm just around an odd group of especially touchy people, but I think I may lose it here directly. Even women at shul come in real close, lean in for a hug, and then when they decide the hug is over 3 hours later, they leave their hands on my sides. Worst feeling I think I've felt in a long time. I'm not a touchy person, so that probably plays a slight role in my hands phobia, but there is no need to be constantly feeling people around you.
Also, to you close talkers out there: Please get out of my bubble! You can always test people to see if they are close talkers because 1) they will stand really close, almost kissing distance, and begin a conversation 2) if you move back, they follow! This drives me nuts because I will back up 20 feet and into a wall and still can't get away from these silly people. I love you close talkers, I do, otherwise I wouldn't talk to you. With that said, get out of my space. I need at least an arms length (fully extended) between you and me. Even that is not far enough apart.
So, you hug lingerers and close talkers, just be aware that those of us with anxiety are freaking out around you because we never know when we will get hit with a full-on frontal-attach (hug) or hit by a wall (as we back up to give ourselves room to breathe). We love you, but we need space.
Any tips for workouts to make my flabs go away? They aren't just on the sides of my abdomen, they are all over. I'm still just a chubby girl, the chub is just better proportioned and distributed to where women are supposed to have curves from what society tells us. Maybe I'll just move to a country where it's attractive to be a little chunky. That way I could get away from the problems of this life and go get different problems in a different country with different people and a new view! Or, I'll just move to Scottland, or Iceland, or Holland, or something...
Big news: I'm moving out of the country! Just kidding, I only might move out of the country. But seriously, I have been looking into this!
Daily Thanksgiving: It's Thursday, meaning that it's my last day of classes for the week and I only have chem lab left today. That's amazing. 2 weeks of school left. Snow stopped, but it's still cold. I have been pretty productive since learning I am a Type A personality that gets close to maxing out the procrastination scale. Did I mention only 2 weeks left of school? I get to go apartment shopping tomorrow, again, but I'm still pretty excited. G-d has brought me to the end and He has kept me safe through most of my first year of college, and I believe He will continue to keep me safe through the last little stretch.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Tiny Rant
First of all, tomorrow is the only thing standing between me and the last two weeks of my first year of college!!! It's crazy to think that I'm already here because this year went by in a blur of insanity. But, G-d has brought me through to this point and I am very glad for it. Now, I just need Him to get me through finals and, L-rd willing, bring up my grades.
Rant: Also, today was the first day we could register for the HESI which is good and bad. The good news is that I remembered and there are spots open in the location closest to my house. Bad news is that I am broke and the test was supposed to be $65, now it's $90! I know! What on earth is going on here!?! I don't have that kind of money. I don't really have any money right now because I have to pay car insurance, buy my microbio book, groceries, gas, and a bunch of other stuff. So, I can't even register and hold my spot until I get nearly one hundred dollars into my bank account. Hopefully there will still be a spot open for me on a day that will work with my summer work and school schedule. The end.
I found out a couple days ago that I get one week off for summer break. That's it. Thankfully, G-d orchestrated everything so that my brother's graduation from high school is during that week so I can go and see him walk across the stage and get his diploma. But after that it is school and work all summer, just to take a week-long intensive interim course before legit fall courses begin. If I wasn't taking the interim class, I would have another week long break at the end of micro, but I'm trying to be an achiever (because I'm not an over-achiever by anyone's standards).
The snow is still coming down. It's even getting cold enough outside that the snow is starting to stick on the sidewalks, but it's just slush right now because of the water left from when it was warmer today. Slush is so incredibly hazardous for the accident prone people like me, my goodness! I think I just need to be strapped to the floor in a padded room for the rest of my life to prevent anymore accidents, injuries, or problems. It seems like I can just breathe and cause problems.
Psych was also pretty interesting today. We talked about stress and took a couple self-tests/survey things. I learned that I am a 10/17 on the type A scale (I am kinda type A) and I also scored a fifty-something (out of 70) on the procrastination scale... So, these tests just confirmed that I procrastinate, a LOT. But I didn't know I was a type A person! That kinda got me down in the dumps a little, but whatever, I can change. I plan on changing both things actually so that I don't procrastinate as much, to hopefully lead to better grades, and also so that I am not so uptight and type A. Changing these two things should help with stress, and hopefully anxiety and depression as well. The only way I can change though is if G-d changes me. I've tried doing it by myself and I can't do it, I only make the whole situation worse.
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d has brought me to the near end of my first year of college! He has also kept me safe from major injury for most of my life, regardless of slush on the sidewalks or my foolish decisions in entertainment. I get paid this Friday, so hopefully I can pay for the HESI. Psych is awesome and I love my teacher in that class. I actually like all of my teachers. G-d has allowed me to get into micro at a different school, without jumping through too many hoops, and now I'm able to take that over the summer!
Rant: Also, today was the first day we could register for the HESI which is good and bad. The good news is that I remembered and there are spots open in the location closest to my house. Bad news is that I am broke and the test was supposed to be $65, now it's $90! I know! What on earth is going on here!?! I don't have that kind of money. I don't really have any money right now because I have to pay car insurance, buy my microbio book, groceries, gas, and a bunch of other stuff. So, I can't even register and hold my spot until I get nearly one hundred dollars into my bank account. Hopefully there will still be a spot open for me on a day that will work with my summer work and school schedule. The end.
I found out a couple days ago that I get one week off for summer break. That's it. Thankfully, G-d orchestrated everything so that my brother's graduation from high school is during that week so I can go and see him walk across the stage and get his diploma. But after that it is school and work all summer, just to take a week-long intensive interim course before legit fall courses begin. If I wasn't taking the interim class, I would have another week long break at the end of micro, but I'm trying to be an achiever (because I'm not an over-achiever by anyone's standards).
The snow is still coming down. It's even getting cold enough outside that the snow is starting to stick on the sidewalks, but it's just slush right now because of the water left from when it was warmer today. Slush is so incredibly hazardous for the accident prone people like me, my goodness! I think I just need to be strapped to the floor in a padded room for the rest of my life to prevent anymore accidents, injuries, or problems. It seems like I can just breathe and cause problems.
Psych was also pretty interesting today. We talked about stress and took a couple self-tests/survey things. I learned that I am a 10/17 on the type A scale (I am kinda type A) and I also scored a fifty-something (out of 70) on the procrastination scale... So, these tests just confirmed that I procrastinate, a LOT. But I didn't know I was a type A person! That kinda got me down in the dumps a little, but whatever, I can change. I plan on changing both things actually so that I don't procrastinate as much, to hopefully lead to better grades, and also so that I am not so uptight and type A. Changing these two things should help with stress, and hopefully anxiety and depression as well. The only way I can change though is if G-d changes me. I've tried doing it by myself and I can't do it, I only make the whole situation worse.
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d has brought me to the near end of my first year of college! He has also kept me safe from major injury for most of my life, regardless of slush on the sidewalks or my foolish decisions in entertainment. I get paid this Friday, so hopefully I can pay for the HESI. Psych is awesome and I love my teacher in that class. I actually like all of my teachers. G-d has allowed me to get into micro at a different school, without jumping through too many hoops, and now I'm able to take that over the summer!
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Update from Yesterday
Yesterday was fairly uneventful. I studied a bit, procrastinated a lot, stressed over my next week of a million tests, a quiz and a paper. Then I went to eat with my mom and brother. When I got back, I played football with my friends, and even a bunch of friends I haven't hung out with since last semester but I miss them so badly.
By the way, mema didn't end up coming yesterday. She had a tough day at work and was exhausted so she didn't want to drive the 8 hours to get here. I was really bummed, but I want her to be able to rest when she needs it. Also, I need her to be well-rested before she makes that long trip so she doesn't crash. So it was just my mom and my brother who came down to see me. We went out to dinner and had a great time. I so miss my brother. Lately he has been not so nice to me, likely because he is 17 and getting a large dose of testosterone. By the way, I do not approve of this sudden change guys tend to have because they can be nice one day and totally cruel and mean the next... Anyway, he was more like how I remember him being when we were super close, so that was awesome. My mom is just amazing always. I was wanting to talk to her about my problems, but my brother was there, so I ended up calling her once I knew she had made it home from the hour and a half drive to get to me. The L-rd gave her words to say. She knows me so well because G-d knows me so well and I believe she listens to G-d. Her wisdom was so soothing and comforting because when my mentors are telling me to go against my strong boundaries (even though they are women of the same faith as me), my mom understands my boundaries and my ways of protecting my heart. She also knows how bad it hurts to not have those boundaries, which is also why I developed the strange and seemingly silly ones that I did.
Her story: She came from an abusive family. Once she got out, she made her way. She went to beauty school to have a better paying job than some others. She apprenticed for a really long time. Then she started going to school for nursing. The school had originally denied her, but she convinced them to let her in on probation. At this school, prereques were two years and clinicals were two years. She got done with the first two years and got accepted into clinicals (proving she was a good choice by fighting to get in), then she got pregnant with me and had to drop out before she started clinicals. She probably could have gone to school with me being an infant, but she didn't want me to have substandard care and she didn't want to leave me. To this day, she is still a hairdresser. My father and my mom married at the end of the month I was born in and they are still married to this day. But before she had me, she had been through so many dating relationships and some were even abusive because she didn't know she could have boundaries.
Now her story is a part of me. I am finishing nursing school to complete her dreams and to convince her to go back to school with me. Her story saddens me because it seems like it's my fault she could not finish. She wanted to be a nurse so that she could travel the world with missionaries and spread the love of Jesus (she was Christian then, which isn't really different than what we are now, but I just wanted to explain the name choice here...). I know that she can do it. I also know that it was in G-d's plans for life to turn out this way. Also, I know that the thought that this was my fault is from the Adversary (Satan).
So, to avoid any of this for me, I installed boundaries. Carefully thought through and discussed with Abba (means Father), the Creator of myself and everything, ever. These boundaries seem outlandish and too complicated, but G-d can make anything happen and if He has chosen a man for me, then that man will have to be talking to G-d in order to figure out how to get to my heart. Until then (if that should ever happen), G-d holds my heart completely. Even once I am married, G-d will hold my heart and all of my love because He loved me first and He is the only one who will never let me down.
Daily Thanksgiving: I have strengthened my resolve to do what I figured needed to be done. G-d has given me clarity. Through my mom, G-d gave me strong, solid words of wisdom as to how I should handle this mess I have gotten myself into. Yesterday, I got to spend time with my mom and brother, friends I have not seen in a really long time, and also with my friends I hang out with a lot. Guys, I have loads of friends! True friends that care about me, not about what I can do for them. My mema is safe at home. I studied yesterday. I got a couple new shirts... Most of all I have Shalom (peace) in my heart. Also, I have started getting right with G-d. He opened up our communication line that I had packed with things of this world, and He is talking to me loud and clear (metaphorically speaking, I don't really here an audible voice because I would pee my pants...)
By the way, mema didn't end up coming yesterday. She had a tough day at work and was exhausted so she didn't want to drive the 8 hours to get here. I was really bummed, but I want her to be able to rest when she needs it. Also, I need her to be well-rested before she makes that long trip so she doesn't crash. So it was just my mom and my brother who came down to see me. We went out to dinner and had a great time. I so miss my brother. Lately he has been not so nice to me, likely because he is 17 and getting a large dose of testosterone. By the way, I do not approve of this sudden change guys tend to have because they can be nice one day and totally cruel and mean the next... Anyway, he was more like how I remember him being when we were super close, so that was awesome. My mom is just amazing always. I was wanting to talk to her about my problems, but my brother was there, so I ended up calling her once I knew she had made it home from the hour and a half drive to get to me. The L-rd gave her words to say. She knows me so well because G-d knows me so well and I believe she listens to G-d. Her wisdom was so soothing and comforting because when my mentors are telling me to go against my strong boundaries (even though they are women of the same faith as me), my mom understands my boundaries and my ways of protecting my heart. She also knows how bad it hurts to not have those boundaries, which is also why I developed the strange and seemingly silly ones that I did.
Her story: She came from an abusive family. Once she got out, she made her way. She went to beauty school to have a better paying job than some others. She apprenticed for a really long time. Then she started going to school for nursing. The school had originally denied her, but she convinced them to let her in on probation. At this school, prereques were two years and clinicals were two years. She got done with the first two years and got accepted into clinicals (proving she was a good choice by fighting to get in), then she got pregnant with me and had to drop out before she started clinicals. She probably could have gone to school with me being an infant, but she didn't want me to have substandard care and she didn't want to leave me. To this day, she is still a hairdresser. My father and my mom married at the end of the month I was born in and they are still married to this day. But before she had me, she had been through so many dating relationships and some were even abusive because she didn't know she could have boundaries.
Now her story is a part of me. I am finishing nursing school to complete her dreams and to convince her to go back to school with me. Her story saddens me because it seems like it's my fault she could not finish. She wanted to be a nurse so that she could travel the world with missionaries and spread the love of Jesus (she was Christian then, which isn't really different than what we are now, but I just wanted to explain the name choice here...). I know that she can do it. I also know that it was in G-d's plans for life to turn out this way. Also, I know that the thought that this was my fault is from the Adversary (Satan).
So, to avoid any of this for me, I installed boundaries. Carefully thought through and discussed with Abba (means Father), the Creator of myself and everything, ever. These boundaries seem outlandish and too complicated, but G-d can make anything happen and if He has chosen a man for me, then that man will have to be talking to G-d in order to figure out how to get to my heart. Until then (if that should ever happen), G-d holds my heart completely. Even once I am married, G-d will hold my heart and all of my love because He loved me first and He is the only one who will never let me down.
Daily Thanksgiving: I have strengthened my resolve to do what I figured needed to be done. G-d has given me clarity. Through my mom, G-d gave me strong, solid words of wisdom as to how I should handle this mess I have gotten myself into. Yesterday, I got to spend time with my mom and brother, friends I have not seen in a really long time, and also with my friends I hang out with a lot. Guys, I have loads of friends! True friends that care about me, not about what I can do for them. My mema is safe at home. I studied yesterday. I got a couple new shirts... Most of all I have Shalom (peace) in my heart. Also, I have started getting right with G-d. He opened up our communication line that I had packed with things of this world, and He is talking to me loud and clear (metaphorically speaking, I don't really here an audible voice because I would pee my pants...)
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Coffee Date
So I had a "coffee date" with my good friend (who is a girl). At said date, I told her about my guy. She knows the guy, but I didn't tell her who it really is. It is nice to be able to gush about a guy to another girl because she understands me. She also gushed about her crush and we helped each other through. I will tell you, having a crush is really a nuisance. I cannot sleep, I cannot concentrate on my studies, and I cannot focus in class because he is always on my mind. Unfortunately, I am unable to put certain thoughts on hold or push them from my mind.
In other news, I got a 94% on my psych test! Also, spring break is one more day of classes away. Then I have to stay on campus Friday for my RA interview, unfortunately, but it gives me more time to be able to actually relax with my friends. I'm so excited for spring break I can't even tell you!!!
Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful for coffee dates, amazing friends, Life cereal when the cafeteria food is bad (which is 99.9% of the time), and for my beautiful computer that I get to crank out my English paper on tonight. Ya, the paper is due tomorrow and has to be 6 pages... I have to learn to not procrastinate. Also, I am glad that it is not sunny and nice enough to play outside today because I would likely not write my paper if it was nice enough to play outside.
In other news, I got a 94% on my psych test! Also, spring break is one more day of classes away. Then I have to stay on campus Friday for my RA interview, unfortunately, but it gives me more time to be able to actually relax with my friends. I'm so excited for spring break I can't even tell you!!!
Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful for coffee dates, amazing friends, Life cereal when the cafeteria food is bad (which is 99.9% of the time), and for my beautiful computer that I get to crank out my English paper on tonight. Ya, the paper is due tomorrow and has to be 6 pages... I have to learn to not procrastinate. Also, I am glad that it is not sunny and nice enough to play outside today because I would likely not write my paper if it was nice enough to play outside.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Hey everyone! I made a Twitter. I have a feeling it will be dangerous for me to have such a thing, but I need some kind of outlet for the random stuff I am thinking all day. Follow me @BedpanAlley if you are on Twitter too!!!
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